lifes just hit rock bottom

bencozzy

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well over the past month my grandma has been getting very sick and now shes at deaths door, and its hitting me hard i love her with all of me being i dont know what ill do with her gone. nothings been working out for me but atleast i could always look forward to seeing her she could always make me smile and laugh.

everythings just coming to head all the things that have happened over the years and the stuff thats happening to me now i cant standing seeing her suffer.

over the course of this year ive managed to start smoking marijuana again and lose all my motivation to work out and find a job and be with friends. if i lose her i dont know what ill do.

its even worse having to deal with this alone i have my family but its just not the same, i cant believe how things are turning out.

just please pray for me and my family
 
WittyName

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Hey sorry to hear about this. Just try to keep focused on the Lord and he will uplift you. I will keep you in my prayers.
 
milwood

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Hang in there, amigo! One thing for certain, in this life, is that there are good times and some bad times. You win some, and you lose some. Nothing lasts forever in this round, but things will get better.

Think positive and try to celebrate the times you have been able to share.

If the herb helps you, so be it, but I'm guessing that it's more of a temporary escape, in which case you don't actually deal with your emotions, and eventually it just gets worse.

Try committing yourself to a positive attitude, and even challenge yourself to bring that energy to the rest of your family. Your strength will not only help you get through, but you'll have a great impact on helping the family get through it as well. You'll also get a boost of self-confidence.

Keep the faith...
 
DmitryWI

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Stay strong, man, you'll be in my prayers. And remember, she's going to a better place.
 

idunk42

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Yeah buddy hang in there. Its not much but you will always be able to come on here and talk to us. This board is full of exceptional people that are very caring and endearing. I hope that all goes well with you and you will be in all of our prayers.
 

DieTrying

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Hang in there man. Remember- when you're at rock bottom the only way to go is back up.
 

bencozzy

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there alot that im having to deal with and once this is over im going to tackle my other problems head first.

i think ive just been looking at this the wrong way its been an eye opener to my other problems and ive just been hiding from them.

so its time to face them, and im going to be positive about it.

and the herb isnt realy an out its just something that i end up getting talked into doing, i had quit and not do it for a little over a year and just recently i started up again i just need to learn how to say no and mean it.
 

bencozzy

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i feel better now that i got all that off my chest and i found it helpful for other people to help me see it from other points of view.

now i just got to make sure i follow through.
 
Mrs. Gimpy!

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im sorry hun. i lost my grandpa a couple weeks ago.... its for the better though, as dimitry said, they are going someplace better. my grandpa was ill for a while and im sure hes happier now :) it'll be okay :)
 

bencozzy

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its really hard for me right now though because when i went and seen her last night she looked horrible skin and bones her eyes sunk in(she has COPD emphysema and alzehiemers) and she got shingles a month ago thats what triggered her decline, her lungs are giving out(you could hear the fluid in her lungs).

but the worst part was you could see the fight left in her eyes but you could tell her body just isnt strong enough for a battle like what shes going through. she cant eat solid anymore and she is only taking in like 3-4 teaspoons of the liquid meal stuff.

its the suffering she going through now thats affecting me more then knowing shes dying.
 
motiv8er

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Death is a muthfvcker who's been on my mind too. I was out in Wichita burying my Grandfather this weekend. Spent the weekend in the nursing home reminding his wife of 72 years that it wasn't the end of the world. I think the hardest speech I gave in my life was this weekend. I told her when we are in this room you can cry all you need to, but when you go out that door smile when you can. You be strong. Those other people out there need YOU. Your friends will come love on you, but be strong for me, be strong for him. then I went into a corner and tried to get the stalagtight of snot and mucus off of my nose that was falling on the floor. Life is a muthfvcker, and then you die. All you can do is try to do the right thing. Live for something, or die for nothing.

BEN-about smoking weed. You are developing your body and mind right now. It is never a good time to smoke weed, but if you have to-- wait until you are 25-30. Your already declining test levels can be coupled with the estrogen effect of the reefer and you can at least fondle your nicely grown titties. J/K Sorta...

You love this person, stop right now for you, for them. You do not want to look back in time and not have been the man you could be to her by being accountable RIGHT NOW, when she needs you. Not some stoned kid. Hang in there buddy, hang in there. Be somebodies light, it will help show you a path to take too.
 

bencozzy

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the whole smoking weed thing is done. its been 2 weeks since i last done it and i dont care to do it again, only thing i have to do is avoid it and ill be fine.

and ive never gotten into so heavy that is was a daily thing it used to be a weekly thing then i quit and i just did it 2 weeks ago which was stupid on my part.
 
Beau

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Wanting to escape reality,especially REALLY crappy reality, is pretty darn normal. I wouldn't beat yourself up over it; rather, find someone to help hold you accountable. I did when my Dad died. He was my best man in my wedding and my best adult male friend. Asking someone to hold you accountable will help you, and may enhance your friendship with that person.

In any case, I'm sorry for your loss.


You might consider if it makes sense for you to make your actions a tribute of sorts to your Grandmother - you know, do the right things, things that you believe would glorify her. Not a bad goal, and not bad motivation.

Whenever I've had to "eat a dirt sandwhich I didn't order", I've found that I've learned a great deal about myself. I also found those time really renewed my spiritual growth (realizing I couldn't rely on me for the answers). You may find that one or both of these things (learning and/or spiritual growth) happens, and you might see unanticipated divedends. They can't come close to offsetting your loss - but they may be there for the taking (and you have to go through it anyway). For example, you might find that sometime in the future someone close to you is going through something similar, and you may be able to help them go through it.

Remember, also keep yourself in your prayers.
 

txwakeskater

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Bencozzy, I know exactly how you feel. My dad's side of the family Grandma i was very close with and she passed away a month ago. Today I lost my other Grandma that lives in Oklahoma. Hasnt hit me really yet because I havent got there yet but i will be there tomorrow. I feel u on the smokin herb also. been doing it alot since this year started. Oh yea also @ 4:31 tonight is when my aunt passed exactly a yr ago.I wont be on for a couple days cause i will be @ the funeral and visiting my aunts grave up in OK so. Sh!t is gonna be tough for the next couple weeks. Keep ur head up and stay positive bro.
 

Rage (SoCal)

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Hey buddy, stay strong. Everyone has gave all the support I offer.

I love my grandma to death but if some day she is so sick to the point of her suffering, I would not want that for her. Remember and treasure the precious memories you have and learn from it all.

Life is definetely a trip, and some things are inevitable. We have to make the best of things while we are here. Best thing is stay strong for her and hang in ther buddy. You guys are in my thoughts.
 

2fast2live

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I feel your pain bro, i lost my mom to lung cancer, i watched her basically waste away. She died in me and my brothers arms. I wound up in a similar downward spiral untill the day i realized that was the last thing she would want to see happen to me. After that i did everything i could that i thought would make her proud. This helped me carry on in a healthier way. I hope this helps you too.
 

max-rot98

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I watched my grandfather waste away as well. Its a very hard thing to deal with so don't be to hard on yourself. Its good you realize that its for the better. Just try to keep in mind how happy should could make you and it will help get you through the hard times. I wish the best for you and your grandmother. Stay strong for her bro.
 
SJA

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Just buried my G'ma last month. Same story as all the above.

Times like these form a person. It changes your life everytime. You can either spiral down.....or up. Make the change a positive one. Do something to make her proud. Would she be happy if you were depressed? Or would she be happy if you were healthy and successful (at whatever you do)?
 
Sunder

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I've lost all my grandparents, so I know it hurts.

Hang in there. Remember that when the time comes, she'll be looking down on you. Do her proud and show her what a great man you've become because of her and your parents.
 
toughchick401

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Death is a muthfvcker who's been on my mind too. I was out in Wichita burying my Grandfather this weekend. Spent the weekend in the nursing home reminding his wife of 72 years that it wasn't the end of the world. I think the hardest speech I gave in my life was this weekend. I told her when we are in this room you can cry all you need to, but when you go out that door smile when you can. You be strong. Those other people out there need YOU. Your friends will come love on you, but be strong for me, be strong for him. then I went into a corner and tried to get the stalagtight of snot and mucus off of my nose that was falling on the floor. Life is a muthfvcker, and then you die. All you can do is try to do the right thing. Live for something, or die for nothing.

BEN-about smoking weed. You are developing your body and mind right now. It is never a good time to smoke weed, but if you have to-- wait until you are 25-30. Your already declining test levels can be coupled with the estrogen effect of the reefer and you can at least fondle your nicely grown titties. J/K Sorta...

You love this person, stop right now for you, for them. You do not want to look back in time and not have been the man you could be to her by being accountable RIGHT NOW, when she needs you. Not some stoned kid. Hang in there buddy, hang in there. Be somebodies light, it will help show you a path to take too.

live for something, or die for nothing..wow...if that dosent hit home....good post...

((((hugz)))) to ben, time does heal all wounds,and someone else said..the only place to go from down is up......good luck
 

Rage (SoCal)

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live for something, or die for nothing..wow...if that dosent hit home....good post...

((((hugz)))) to ben, time does heal all wounds,and someone else said..the only place to go from down is up......good luck
I'm going to 2nd that.

Very touching words motiv8er, it is **** like this we have to keep in mind every single day.
 

bencozzy

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thanks guys+gals

you have helped out alot, it isnt so bad knowing that she dying.

and everything else thats been said to about being the best i can has made me open my eyes to realise that ive only been giving 50% in my every day life like with friends family and work. its like ive been hiding from all of that and was just ignoring it hoping it would just improve on its own and i wouldnt have to put any effort into making things happen and ends meet.

it helped to know that others are going through the same and dealing with it which is something which i kinda didnt want to have to do is deal with it.

anyways ive got some work to be done to get my life back on track and get moving forward.

UPDATE- my dad says my grandma had her eyes fully open today, she was frightened and confused(do to the alzeheimers), and her breathing is fast breaths and then she stops breathing so it isnt getting any better. now its just waiting, i hope she finds peace soon.
 

bencozzy

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well my grandma passed away this morning.

ive been told where going to have the funeral saturday which means ill probably miss the arnold, i might be able to go on friday but ill still miss meeting Johnnie Jackson and saturday is my sisters b-day.

oh well you cant really plan for this things right. so im just gonna have to roll with it and see what happens.
 
motiv8er

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BEN-
I am sorry to hear of your loss. FWIW I am proud of the way you have tabled your thoughts on this matter. You sound as though you are determined to take this experience and not misuse it in vain. Atta' boy. Your Grandma would be most proud of that, she didn't raise you to be a fool.

Don't look at death as the end. It may be theend of the known in humans, but it is a home that we all get called to. Your Grandma just went home, one day before you know it, it'll be your turn at bat too.

Somebody in your family needs you right now to love them. Just be there. In a few years you'll look back on this time period and be pleased with the people you helped and the decisions you made. Don't be afraid to let your love show, don't be afraid to let your love grow.

Good work Ben. Hang in there buddy.
M
 
DmitryWI

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well my grandma passed away this morning.

ive been told where going to have the funeral saturday which means ill probably miss the arnold, i might be able to go on friday but ill still miss meeting Johnnie Jackson and saturday is my sisters b-day.

oh well you cant really plan for this things right. so im just gonna have to roll with it and see what happens.
Sorry... She's in a better place now and I'm sure she's proud of how you handle things. Bless you.
 
milwood

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Ben,
I'm glad you found a place where you could express yourself and your struggle with this. You clearly found a lot of friends and support!

I hope you find solace in what you've heard from others on the board; you're not alone, and we all go through it! Now you are prepared to deal with the situation and be a strong and supportive family member as well.

All the best to you and the family. Remember---we're all going back where we came from eventually. Your grandma is just a bit ahead of us!.... ;)
 

SROB

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I'm very sorry for your loss. Just remember to keep your faith in God and all will be well.

As a side note: It is very touching to me to see all the support from everyone on this board. God Bless you all.
 
Vipersg123

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Im sorry to hear about your grandmother, but of course she's is a much better place now, so be happy she lead the life she did and now she has moved on.

It's tough losing the ones you love... it's happened to me plenty of times. It's especially hard when they really mean something to you, my grandmother was the greatest person i've ever known and the fact that some of her last remaining words were about me asking my mom "So hows mike doing in school" just lets me know she's looking down on me from heaven. It's hard to deal with it when you think about it, so it's best to mourn and never forget, but to also to think of them as still alive and there watching you or else you will be stuck in a hole and depressed. Even thinking about it now I sorta get teary eyed and that was years ago.

My 19 year old cat died just last week, I don't remember not having the cat so it sucked... but best of all I was there the last ten minutes she died petting her telling her it would be okay, and then she died in my arms.

It's good to mourn, but let their live be an example to you... try to live up to their expectations and their dreams of your life so some day someone can do the same for you.
 

bencozzy

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Been awhile since ive posted on here.

well heres the update:

decided to get a deep end job with no room to improve big mistake i should of stick to my guns and kept working toward making a career, so now im back to square one on that.

ive really let myself go im at 208 and 26% so ive got a fight on my hands to get to a lean 180 again.

but otherwise every thing is great looks like im headed back up from the bottom.

Wish me luck
Ben
 
DmitryWI

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Good luck, man. Now, get your fat ass to the gym. :D
 
CNizz

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at least at 208 it gives you a major goal to work towards, getting there will significantly improve your feelings of self worth, find a job that wont give you too much stress and that you enjoy even if it is at less pay because stress isnt worth any amount of money, good luck man!
 
jmh80

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Now you can use the Cartman "I'm not fat - I'm gettin' in shape!" theme.
Oinker.
 

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