- 11-26-2012, 10:39 AM
She will not work out with me or around me, for some reason it makes her uncomfortable! We have been together for 10 years and have only been to the gym together 3 times! I did not put any pressure on her at the gym, I left her to do her own thing and told her if she needs help just let me know... So were that comes from is again, self esteem issue and its nothing I caused! Regardless of what this thread my sound like, the things you guys are saying about making for health and telling her she looks good... I do!!!! This is why I have been so frustrated, at this point its not me or what I need to do... This is about her, I cant make her happy! She needs to want to be happy and get in control of what she wants in life! I will be there to support her and help her, but if things dont change this will only go so far. I am hoping for the best, but I also realize that I do not deserve to be a pay check and a punching bag... Thats not a marriage should feel like!!!!
- 11-26-2012, 06:22 PM
11-28-2012, 11:50 AM
Communication and understanding. If you cheat and get caught, just remember your daughter will eventually find out and that may ruin certain aspects of trust with her future relationships (and her view of you). For better of worse... you made that commitment. Sex is important, UBER important, but so is emotional intimacy. It could be as simple as her hormones running crazy after having a child. That happens.
11-28-2012, 12:04 PM
Maybe shes cheating?
Do what u have to do. If she doesnt want to have sex and u do. Dont fight and argue about it. U have sex, she doesnt.
11-28-2012, 12:23 PM
"If you cheat you will get caught and your children will find out, that will ruin their relationship with you, that will make them want to create as much distance from you as possible, they will lose all respect for you, and your actions will destroy their ability to fully trust future relationships."
Do not cheat; period.
11-28-2012, 12:36 PM
I used to struggle with thinking that greater sex will produce greater intimacy. So I strove to turn sex into a more grand physical performance. The opposite happened. She was less interested, not uninterested, in sex because it was clear to her that I was not making love to her from my heart but rather using her as a partner in a performance based activity to show her my love. Fail!
Now that I have focused on developing and nurturing a greater intimacy with my wife her desire for me is much greater. The mediocre sex became great sex and the great sex became even more so. There is NO greater trasncending fulfilment within your marriage relationship than true and deep intimacy. My sex life is greater and more fulfilling now than it has ever been. My wife desires me more now than ever because she knows she is not just on the receiving end of my penis but my heart.
11-28-2012, 02:07 PM
11-28-2012, 05:50 PM
11-28-2012, 06:04 PM
11-28-2012, 06:46 PM
There is nothing I can say to alter your thoughts on this; however - as one who has been there - I strongly suggest you do everything you can to make it work. And the "it", is the marriage (not just the sex), because the marriage is the basis for your family. Once that basis is gone, the family is fragmented and, ultimately, the child pays the greatest price (emotional well-being), while the husband usually pays through the nose financially, and yet the wife usually lives at a much lower financial level than does the husband.
While we are at it, because the wife will usually have primary custody of the child, you will be paying both child support and spousal support to her - without having any say on how the money is spent. Even though you are paying spousal support, she may start living with another man (and you can do NOTHING to stop that) who will, in essence, take over day-to-day Dad duty. That she may start living with someone does not necessarily get you out of paying spousal support, either.
Her ability to remarry (as well as yours) may be hindered by the fact that a possible suitor may not want to assume instant family status. That means, she may be receiving spousal support for some time. In California, that is usually 1/2 the length of the marriage, or - if a long term (20+ year) marriage - essentially "forever".
As for child support, you can plan on paying that every month until the later of the child’s 18th birthday, or high school graduation. That is a long time for someone else to use your money to raise your child. In my case, my ex used child support to finance vacations and cars that, due to child support and spousal support obligations, I could no longer afford.
For me, the thought of having some other guy raise my children was more than enough motivation to make me tolerate a far-less-than-satisfying (read horrible) sexual relationship - for several years.
Please realize you will be tied to your wife/ex-wife until at least the time the child turns 18. You and she will HATE one another, yet you will have to deal with her several times every month. For years. And years.
Passion and sexual gratification are both important, within the right confines and in the right context.
So is being a Dad.
And having a good sex life usually results from having a good marriage, not the other way around. Even though I feel that I did everything to improve the marriage (and sex), it did not improve. You can't clap with only one hand. But I'll be darned if I didn't do my part, and then a whole bunch more.
I restate my one suggestion: Go to counseling. You cannot afford not to.
If nothing else, would you not want to at least honestly tell your child you did everything possible to maintain the family, and say that truthfully? Explaining that you don’t live with your child because Mommy and I didn’t have enough sex but we didn't go to counseling probably won’t help soothe your child’s broken heart.
Once kids are part of the equation; everything changes.
And that is because, it should.
Oh, and you might want to talk to a few friends (with kids) who are divorced and see how they like the financial impact and not seeing their kids. Better yet, find a church with a divorce recovery workshop and attend just one session as a visitor. You would be amazed.
11-28-2012, 08:16 PM
Guys I think some of you misunderstand me somewhat. I am not basing everything off of sex alone, it's just part of it! My wife also makes more money then I do, so if worst case I would only be paying child support. I have no intension of leaving right now, I am going to give this everything I have so if the end does come...I could tell my girl I gave it my all! I come from a broken home, my mom left my dad and gave up on things, she became a drug addict, my dad raised me well! And I forgave my mother, she a sick person... As you get older you understand the truth of things also! I am better off because of my parents split! When does staying together actually hurt your child even more!
11-28-2012, 10:49 PM
you gotta leave if she is making no attempts to fix the probelms. better for you and the kids as they aren't dumb and will know things are wrong. like u said give it all you got but remember it takes 2 to make it work and if she isn't. willing to make any effort land down the law tell her ifs over and hire a lawyer to get ready for the court battle.
11-28-2012, 10:52 PM
There will come a time when you have to do whats best. My son had the same issues , he took his wife out on a dinner date and simply told her he was done, no more laundry, washing clothes etc. he wanted a wife and mother to their children. She told him no that she was leaving him in two weeks anyway. No matter what he tried nothing worked. Today, he is married to a beautiful woman who has been more of a mother to his children than his ex ever was...!
I know he went all out to fix things, church, etc....but it takes two to work things out. Her half wasn't there and it was over. I wish you the best, I watched the pain he went thru...and it took alot out of him.
11-29-2012, 10:55 AM
Thanks for all the relpies brothers, belive me this has actually helped! So thank you all... Can I ask that this thread be deleted at this point?
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