Sexless marriage!!!

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  1. From your comments, you seem to be thinking about this only from your own perspective. It sounds like you want sex, and you see your wife as a sort of ATM machine where you just have to push the right buttons (clean the yard, say the right things, etc.) and sex will fall out. If she feels that you're simply trying to persuade or cajole her to get what you want, and that you're reacting with a frustrated sense of entitlement and whining when you don't get what you want, that might explain her coldness.

    It may just be that she has no sex drive. And if she does have a drive, it may be that her fantasies don't include you. Either way, you ought to spend some time trying to figure out what she really wants. For what it's worth, asking her point-blank probably isn't a great way to get the information, especially if you've been acting victimized and making her feel unsafe to say things that might hurt you more.


  2. Love is a action word and takes work every day. Its something you do and NOT something you feel. The love part doesn't actually start for 2-3 years after your relationship begins. That first two years are the emotion part (lust). People are always seeking that feeling that they first had and that's the problem. You wont have that again. You have something better then that if you open your eyes and remember why you chose her/him in the first place. Everyone wants the easy way (thinking with your dick) and no one likes hard work anymore (doing whats right).

    I have found that pu$$y is pu$$y, but love is something much deeper.
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  3. I still never saw any response to questions about seeing a counselor. Is it possible you want it to fail because you feel resentful already and just want a "good reason" to get out? Because your attitude seems to be "she needs to or else" and a counselor could help you see both sides of this story, and feel a little more compassion and love for your wife, who sounds like she is struggling.

  4. The ex and I were married for 16 years. I forgot to add that part. We lived without sex for 3 years. I had a good friend at the time who was in a sexless marriage for well over 10 years! I have to say it won't get better on it's own. I'll give her a call and see what she says. I would guess it was because she had no identity other than mom and wife. Once she got free, she really got herself back. Does your wife work outside the home?

  5. She is a child counsler her self, lots of schooling! Were are very tight on money so I really dont think we can afford one... I mean a big part of this is in the beginning she started giving less effection as well, the hole thing kinda came down all at once. Then eventually the crash happen, I spent the first 2 years trying to do everything... when I would come home I would try and hold her and kiss her every day! She would pull away from me and I just could not understand this, when I say something she says I sound like a girl!!! That was the very start, soon after the sex drive fell off but we still had good sex when we did. Now with the weight gain the sex is not good even when we do, I lost my attraction and I am already resentfull for all of this! Trust me when I say I miss all of it, its not just the sex... its that connection when you look at each other and all else falls into place! I have told also told her its not just the sex, it the hole pagacke of being in love with someone.
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  6. Quote Originally Posted by SlyCamaro View Post
    She is a child counsler her self, lots of schooling! Were are very tight on money so I really dont think we can afford one... I mean a big part of this is in the beginning she started giving less effection as well, the hole thing kinda came down all at once. Then eventually the crash happen, I spent the first 2 years trying to do everything... when I would come home I would try and hold her and kiss her every day! She would pull away from me and I just could not understand this, when I say something she says I sound like a girl!!! That was the very start, soon after the sex drive fell off but we still had good sex when we did. Now with the weight gain the sex is not good even when we do, I lost my attraction and I am already resentfull for all of this! Trust me when I say I miss all of it, its not just the sex... its that connection when you look at each other and all else falls into place! I have told also told her its not just the sex, it the hole pagacke of being in love with someone.
    "Were are very tight on money so I really dont think we can afford one... "

    You can pay now, or pay later.

    My relatively simple divorce cost me $19K in Atty's fees; just mine.
    I wrote her a $200K check for 1/2 the equity in the house.
    I paid $2500/mo. for child support and "spousal" support. That was only for 1 child; the other two children were over 18.

    Do the math.

    P.S. - I think you meant whole package.

  7. Quote Originally Posted by Beau View Post
    P.S. - I think you meant whole package.
    LOL @ "hole" package
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  8. Quote Originally Posted by Torobestia View Post
    LOL @ "hole" package
    Freudian slip?

  9. I hate to ask, but is it possible she cheated? I had an engagement that felt a bit like you are describing your marriage... She was having a shotgun wedding a month later to someone else. I don't understand why else someone would just turn off to you unless there is someone else. But that's probably just because of my experience

    Also, since you say it happened all at once, was it right after a fight? Is there something that happened that wasn't resolved? Did she catch you looking at porn? I don't really get it.

    See a counselor > cheaper than divorce every time. You won't show her your marriage means anything to you if you don't push to fix it

  10. Has she been like this since you met her? Maybe she was sexually abused as a child.. or sexually assaulted.. that can cause those kinds of problems.

    It could be that she has some body image issues as well.. maybe depression or anxiety?

    You need to put her needs ahead of yours right now and take the time to find out what's wrong with her. If she can't talk about it, tell her to write you a letter.

    There are tons of possibilities of what it could be.. But you need to figure it out if you want your marriage to work out.

    Her being on FB all day and not doing the household chores isn't acceptable, especially if you're the one bringing home the bacon.

    If talking and counseling doesn't help, as a last resort.. think about a trial separation?

    Good luck to you.
    ~ Airborne42's girlfriend ~
    - using mobile version, can't rep -
  11. Unbreakable
    David Dunn's Avatar

    Quote Originally Posted by mls51112 View Post
    You need to put her needs ahead of yours right now...
    "Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her..."

    "Husbands, likewise, dwell with them with understanding..."
    Life is a terminal condition.

    She thinks that happiness is a mat that sits on her doorway.

  12. Quote Originally Posted by SlyCamaro View Post
    Well I think she does have mild depresson becuase shes not what she used to be, she has always been hard on herself about her weight even when she looked great! Also if she does not feel the same about me, then why not tell me and we can both move on with our lives! Even if that is true she wont fess up to it... I have never been that A hole that would complain about gaing 10-15 pounds ethier... She is now 30 years old and about 50lbs more then she was 3 years ago, I am 32! She has been getting worse with the sex drive for about 5 years and the weight just piled on!
    Again from a woman's point of you ... The problem lies between the 2 of you . I suggest counseling for both to allow hidden feelings to come out and once both of you express your likes , dislikes and desires maybe you can either reconcile or move on .
    Good luck

    BY the way everyone's story here is not yours !! we all different and unique with are problems.

  13. A woman's main sex organ is between her ears.
    You need to talk to her and listen to her, like a few others suggested I encourage you to seek out a therapist.
    What your wife wants, and what you think she wants may not be the same thing.
    Often simply unloading the dishwasher will get you a lot further, than having 18" arms and 5% bodyfat.
    Good luck
    Peace

  14. Quote Originally Posted by toddgranit View Post
    A woman's main sex organ is between her ears.
    You need to talk to her and listen to her, like a few others suggested I encourage you to seek out a therapist.
    What your wife wants, and what you think she wants may not be the same thing.
    Often simply unloading the dishwasher will get you a lot further, than having 18" arms and 5% bodyfat.
    Good luck
    Peace
    Spot on brother, guys have paid thousands of dollars to a counselor, for what this brother said right here. ^^^


    "Victory is Reserved for those willing to pay its price"

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    Victory is reserved for those willing to pay its price

  15. Okay, so I went back and skimmed over the other posts.

    I have been in her situation.

    Try: "Hunny, you're beautiful. I love you. You don't have to work out to be attractive to me. I probably expect too much from you, and I'm sorry for pressuring you. I've scheduled a date night for us. And no, it's not because I want sex. I just want you to be happy."

    You made vows to love her through sickness and health.. so, follow through with it! Don't expect her to put out right away.. it's going to take some effort on your part.

    Don't make her think she has to look perfect and work out - that will only make her resent you more.

    Focus on her emotional needs.. and once those are met, I can guarantee you'll get some action.

    Make her feel beautiful.. even if she's "over weight" - motivation does not come from criticism.
    ~ Airborne42's girlfriend ~
    - using mobile version, can't rep -

  16. Quote Originally Posted by mls51112 View Post
    Okay, so I went back and skimmed over the other posts.

    I have been in her situation.

    Try: "Hunny, you're beautiful. I love you. You don't have to work out to be attractive to me. I probably expect too much from you, and I'm sorry for pressuring you. I've scheduled a date night for us. And no, it's not because I want sex. I just want you to be happy."

    You made vows to love her through sickness and health.. so, follow through with it! Don't expect her to put out right away.. it's going to take some effort on your part.

    Don't make her think she has to look perfect and work out - that will only make her resent you more.

    Focus on her emotional needs.. and once those are met, I can guarantee you'll get some action.

    Make her feel beautiful.. even if she's "over weight" - motivation does not come from criticism.
    ^^^good stuff. Pressure makes it worse! My wife was overweight and I always tried to make sure she felt beautiful. I didn't understand why she wouldn't want to take care of herself for me, but I tried very hard to have compassion for whatever she was going through then. You must cultivate the plant and provide nourishment if you want it to grow.

    I thought maybe I was giving her a pass and enabling her to let herself go as things didn't change right away, and in fact she kept getting bigger and was not very nice to me. But after a while she got up and made changes on her own and was so sweet to me and grateful that I loved her and treated her just as kindly at 200 lbs with a b****y attitude... even though I didn't always want to. Our relationship went from frustrating to fantastic over the year or so it took her to re-discover herself.

    If she is depressed, stop beating her up more and get her help. Pressuring her and telling her what she does wrong will increase her depression and drive a wedge between you. Show her that you want to help her, not just yourself. And get professional help

  17. Quote Originally Posted by David Dunn View Post
    "Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her...""Husbands, likewise, dwell with them with understanding..."
    I have to disagree with your praise of her statement that he needs to put her needs ahead of his right now. The road to resentment is a slippery one and a hard one to return from.

    Not saying that his needs should come first. Just that the problems do need to be identified and addressed. Wherever they lie. Be it with her, with him, or in all likely hood on both sides of the fence. Their are two in the relationship, not just one. Three when you consider the daughter.

    Taking care of only one side or the other... anything less then the whole family unit, is simply shoring up half the problem with inadequate cribbing at best.
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  18. Quote Originally Posted by david_golds View Post
    From your comments, you seem to be thinking about this only from your own perspective. It sounds like you want sex, and you see your wife as a sort of ATM machine where you just have to push the right buttons (clean the yard, say the right things, etc.) and sex will fall out.

    I don't come to that same conclusion from listening to him. I see a person who is concerned about his family and his relationship with his wife. It seems that you fixate on his comments about sex, and don't look at the rest. It should be pretty much a given that the sex part is an easy object for a person to grab onto, hold out, use to demonstrate the situation they are in. After all, it is a basic primal need. I have no doubt, that sex is not the real object of his concern. It is just part of an example of it.
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  19. Sorry to ramble, but here goes:

    I'm a shrink and have seen this situation a zillion times. Fair disclosure: I'm gay and that may be enough for you to immediately dismiss what I have to say. But I see couples of all gender-mixes and can assure you that the situation is mainly the same for all. That's true in my own case with my partner of 19 years.

    First of all: This is something many people just don't seem to get. In a long term relationship it is just natural for people to fall in love, out of love, back in love, and so on. In a truly committed relationship, there's a willingness to wait these periods out without making rash decisions. Of course, it's a personal decision how long to wait that out. But it takes a lot of pressure off yourself if you remind yourself that the bad times don't usually last forever.

    Second: In a long-term committed relationship, sex usually ends up taking a quite secondary role. You build a life together. You have children. You own a home. You have mutual friends. All of these things bind us together in a way sex simply cannot over the long term.

    Third: Most couples need a mediator of some sort to work this stuff out. Typically, we can't even hear one another clearly when we have become so confused, hurt, angry, and frustrated. I think most couples take too long to take this step. There are lots of therapists who work directly with sex and love in relationships. Some churches offer the same services. There are workshops and couples counseling available. The important thing is that both members of the couple be willing to participate and realize it's an incredibly common situation, if not universal.

    Fourth: The appearance issue is a sensitive one that has plagued my own relationship. Consider the context here -- a site that is about lifting. Tell yourself it's about health, but we all know appearance is a huge part of it. So, you might as well own from the start that your own appearance is extremely important to you. Your partner will ALWAYS know this whether you say anything explicit or not. Three years after I got together with my partner, he gained a huge amount of weight and started drinking too much. It did kill my sexual appetite and I ended up being cruel to him -- something I have regretted ever since. It hurt him in a way that can never be erased, even if forgiven. I'm not saying it isn't a real problem and incredibly frustrating, but I urge you to be gentle. Understand, your partner doesn't just feel bad about the way they look. They also feel overwhelmed by the importance you give your own appearance. Dismiss this if you like, but I promise you it's true.

    Fifth: Here is a difference where gay people and straight people often diverge, I think. Even if you enjoy your partner, it's totally natural to become attracted to other people too. Gay men are much more comfortable with non-monogamous relationships. It's not that you don't establish rules. It's not that jealousy isn't still an occasional issue. But it's just recreational sex. A lot of people of both genders do find recreational sex without an emotional attachment uncomfortable so that there is a perceived threat to the relationship's security if you open things up to other partners. But that threat is ALWAYS present anyway. This is something I'd never recommend at the outset of a relationship and not when there's a lot of conflict in the relationship. But when sexual ennui takes over in an otherwise stable relationship, it works fine for many people. Most have a don't-ask-don't-tell agreement.

    Sixth: NEVER assume a person who doesn't enjoy sex as much as you doesn't love you. If you do, you're gonna be super-embarrassed as you age and your testosterone dries up.

  20. Quote Originally Posted by david_golds
    From your comments, you seem to be thinking about this only from your own perspective. It sounds like you want sex, and you see your wife as a sort of ATM machine where you just have to push the right buttons (clean the yard, say the right things, etc.) and sex will fall out. If she feels that you're simply trying to persuade or cajole her to get what you want, and that you're reacting with a frustrated sense of entitlement and whining when you don't get what you want, that might explain her coldness.

    It may just be that she has no sex drive. And if she does have a drive, it may be that her fantasies don't include you. Either way, you ought to spend some time trying to figure out what she really wants. For what it's worth, asking her point-blank probably isn't a great way to get the information, especially if you've been acting victimized and making her feel unsafe to say things that might hurt you more.
    This is some nonsense if I've ever heard some. Ive been with my wife for 9 years now, we have 3 kids together. What keeps our marriage successful I believe is that we put each others needs ahead of our own. If you put here needs first like you should and she's not doing the same the resentment will no doubt kill your relationship. Don't listen to these doctor Phil type clowns that want blame stuff on the man always. Telling you that you're treating her like an ATM. What foolishness.

  21. Quote Originally Posted by CopyCat View Post
    I don't come to that same conclusion from listening to him. I see a person who is concerned about his family and his relationship with his wife. It seems that you fixate on his comments about sex, and don't look at the rest. It should be pretty much a given that the sex part is an easy object for a person to grab onto, hold out, use to demonstrate the situation they are in. After all, it is a basic primal need. I have no doubt, that sex is not the real object of his concern. It is just part of an example of it.
    Thank you! We have been talking allot and I think she understands I love her and I want her to feel good about herself! This in return I believe would get the relationship back on track and sex would come with that! Trust me I have been very quite about her weight for a long time, I tried to make her feel attractive and give her attention and she would push me away in more ways then one. I simply feel like I do not deserve to be in a marriage that I am not happy in, I will do what I can to make this work and if it continues down this path I will make the correct changes, even if it hurts me to death to do so! Like I stated before, doing laundry and dishes gets me nowhere in this situation, it's been tested many times!

  22. Well there's only so much you can do :]
    ~ Airborne42's girlfriend ~
    - using mobile version, can't rep -
  23. Unbreakable
    David Dunn's Avatar

    Quote Originally Posted by SlyCamaro View Post
    I will do what I can to make this work and if ...
    You do what you need to make it work. Big difference.

    My marriage was on the outs about 10 years ago. I moved out and got my own place. On the phone with a brother of mine and as I was telling him my situation I went into the same lines as you you did; "I have done all I can..." As the words rolled off my lips my heart was convicted deeply of how selfish I was. I recognized there was a big difference between not being selfish and actually being selfless. I moved home within two days and have been in a continuously deeper and more intimate relationship with my wife ever since. Pray for and with your wife.
    Life is a terminal condition.

    She thinks that happiness is a mat that sits on her doorway.

  24. Quote Originally Posted by David Dunn
    You do what you need to make it work. Big difference.

    My marriage was on the outs about 10 years ago. I moved out and got my own place. On the phone with a brother of mine and as I was telling him my situation I went into the same lines as you you did; "I have done all I can..." As the words rolled off my lips my heart was convicted deeply of how selfish I was. I recognized there was a big difference between not being selfish and actually being selfless. I moved home within two days and have been in a continuously deeper and more intimate relationship with my wife ever since. Pray for and with your wife.
    Much respect...
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  25. Quote Originally Posted by rsnake21

    This is some nonsense if I've ever heard some. Ive been with my wife for 9 years now, we have 3 kids together. What keeps our marriage successful I believe is that we put each others needs ahead of our own. If you put here needs first like you should and she's not doing the same the resentment will no doubt kill your relationship. Don't listen to these doctor Phil type clowns that want blame stuff on the man always. Telling you that you're treating her like an ATM. What foolishness.
    Amen brother. Truth spoken

  26. Quote Originally Posted by rsnake21 View Post
    This is some nonsense if I've ever heard some. Ive been with my wife for 9 years now, we have 3 kids together. What keeps our marriage successful I believe is that we put each others needs ahead of our own. If you put here needs first like you should and she's not doing the same the resentment will no doubt kill your relationship. Don't listen to these doctor Phil type clowns that want blame stuff on the man always. Telling you that you're treating her like an ATM. What foolishness.
    You could be right. I didn't get the impression that he was putting her needs first, or that he even understood what her needs are. Based on his description of her reactions about the housework, she seemed to place low value on the things he was doing. Based on the attitude he reports her giving, it seems plausible that she feels that some deep needs of hers are being unmet.

    Granted, she might not be communicating her needs, so he could be frustrated that his guesses are wrong. Welcome to the female mind. I recommend "five love languages", like others have.

  27. could be depression or horomone imbalance. is zhe willing to be checked for these issues? i had a friend deal with the exact same thing and turns out it was an imbalance issue and a touch of depression. they sat down talked about it and found alot of things wrong that she never really told him about and she was put on some horomonal meds and depression meds for awhile while she worked through. some things.they are still together .

  28. A little update, she has gone to the doctor for some blood work and check her thyroid. She started working out and eating better the last 2 weeks and her attitude seems a bit better. We will see were this goes, as far as the house work and it's my flat crap! Sorry I don't buy it... I don't care if your a woman or a man, self confidence and being happy within your self is on YOU! When someone is not happy with them selves it's impossible to make some one else happy!!!! The house work thing did not work because it does not fix her self esteem problems, it won't help her loose weight or gain her confidence back... I realized she attacks me when I bring this up because it's a way of getting away from the real issue! I told her I am her for her but I can't hold her hand and push her, she needs to WANT changes or there will be no change!

  29. that feel

  30. Quote Originally Posted by mls51112 View Post
    Okay, so I went back and skimmed over the other posts.

    I have been in her situation.

    Try: "Hunny, you're beautiful. I love you. You don't have to work out to be attractive to me. I probably expect too much from you, and I'm sorry for pressuring you. I've scheduled a date night for us. And no, it's not because I want sex. I just want you to be happy."

    You made vows to love her through sickness and health.. so, follow through with it! Don't expect her to put out right away.. it's going to take some effort on your part.

    Don't make her think she has to look perfect and work out - that will only make her resent you more.

    Focus on her emotional needs.. and once those are met, I can guarantee you'll get some action.

    Make her feel beautiful.. even if she's "over weight" - motivation does not come from criticism.
    I agree. And If she does want to loose weight, which it sounds like it would be great for her confidence (thats why I workout too funnily enough), let it be for her health-dont make the weight an issue. If she wants to join a gym, let her choose the gym. You could join/swap with her and just take her through a light program that is easy. After about two weeks start to give her compliments. If its hard she wont stick too it. When she gets used to it she may want somthing more challenging.



    Is it possible you could offer to work out with her?
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