- 11-09-2012, 11:15 AM
From a woman's point of view here.. You need to look a little deeper to your problem. She needs to check her hormones to see if everything is up where they need to be not knowing how old you both are is hard to tell. Also she may suffer from a mild depression cause of hormones ... and the worst of all maybe she don't feel the same about you anymore. Is a complex problem and you both need to get to solve....
- 11-09-2012, 11:17 AM
11-09-2012, 12:39 PM
Well I think she does have mild depresson becuase shes not what she used to be, she has always been hard on herself about her weight even when she looked great! Also if she does not feel the same about me, then why not tell me and we can both move on with our lives! Even if that is true she wont fess up to it... I have never been that A hole that would complain about gaing 10-15 pounds ethier... She is now 30 years old and about 50lbs more then she was 3 years ago, I am 32! She has been getting worse with the sex drive for about 5 years and the weight just piled on!
11-09-2012, 12:56 PM
Im not sure what your guys dynamic is but as time goes on all relationships go through trials and tribulations. In most cases it the us (the person complaining) that needs to change. So look in the mirror and find out what you are doing different. Alot of the time we think that we are loving our spouse the best way possible but the reality is we are not loving our spouse the way they want to be loved. There are 5 love languages that everyone speaks.
1) Acts of Service- Doing dishes, washing the car, cleaning the house, mowing the lawn ETC.
2) Gifts- Presents, jewelry, giving something as a surprise etc
3) Words of Affirmation- Hey baby, I believe in you, you are so great at this..., you look pretty or handsome, something nice and from the heart
4) Time- Spending time with that person doing what they want to do
5) Touch- hugging, messaging, showing love in public (holding hands) sincere love in your touch.. Doesn't have to be sexual
These five are all that we do and like having done to us. In most cases we do to others as we like to be done to ourselves but that is selfish.
Perfect example: The successful CEO who travels all of the time to take of his family and provide (ACTS of SERVICE). He thinks he is doing the right thing but his wife hates that he travels and wants him home with the family more (TIME) even if it means less money. He thinks he is loving her in the right way cause that is how he would want to be loved in his eyes but he has to understand that his wife speaks a different love language so they have a bad marriage, she wont have sex with him anymore because she is internally mad and so he decides to cheat, they break up and do it all over again with a different person and have a bad marriage again. This is very common in today s society.
The point I'm making is that you need to try this for a couple weeks and lets see what happens. You know what her love language is because it is what she does all of the time and asks you to do all of the time. Do it! Even if it means you are inconvenienced. Let me know if that makes sense and I can explain more if necessary. Be the husband you would want your daughter to have. Our actions wont hurt us in most cases but our passed down to our kids and they suffer for our actions. Be a man of Character.
11-09-2012, 01:44 PM
Man, I went through this same exact thing 18 years ago. In hindsight, I can't honestly tell you what went wrong. We just kind of fell out of "lust" with each other. The love was still there and it's sounds like it is for you guys, too. We divorced and both eventually remarried. What was weird is that we both went into super sex drive mode when we broke up! We had a few ex-sex moments that were off the chain!
Maybe we should have just separated, ****ed some other people, and got back together. Wish I had more for you but mine just ended in divorce which ended up being a really good thing.
11-09-2012, 02:17 PM
From your comments, you seem to be thinking about this only from your own perspective. It sounds like you want sex, and you see your wife as a sort of ATM machine where you just have to push the right buttons (clean the yard, say the right things, etc.) and sex will fall out. If she feels that you're simply trying to persuade or cajole her to get what you want, and that you're reacting with a frustrated sense of entitlement and whining when you don't get what you want, that might explain her coldness.
It may just be that she has no sex drive. And if she does have a drive, it may be that her fantasies don't include you. Either way, you ought to spend some time trying to figure out what she really wants. For what it's worth, asking her point-blank probably isn't a great way to get the information, especially if you've been acting victimized and making her feel unsafe to say things that might hurt you more.
11-09-2012, 02:19 PM
Love is a action word and takes work every day. Its something you do and NOT something you feel. The love part doesn't actually start for 2-3 years after your relationship begins. That first two years are the emotion part (lust). People are always seeking that feeling that they first had and that's the problem. You wont have that again. You have something better then that if you open your eyes and remember why you chose her/him in the first place. Everyone wants the easy way (thinking with your dick) and no one likes hard work anymore (doing whats right).
I have found that pu$$y is pu$$y, but love is something much deeper.
11-09-2012, 02:41 PM
I still never saw any response to questions about seeing a counselor. Is it possible you want it to fail because you feel resentful already and just want a "good reason" to get out? Because your attitude seems to be "she needs to or else" and a counselor could help you see both sides of this story, and feel a little more compassion and love for your wife, who sounds like she is struggling.
11-09-2012, 03:33 PM
The ex and I were married for 16 years. I forgot to add that part. We lived without sex for 3 years. I had a good friend at the time who was in a sexless marriage for well over 10 years! I have to say it won't get better on it's own. I'll give her a call and see what she says. I would guess it was because she had no identity other than mom and wife. Once she got free, she really got herself back. Does your wife work outside the home?
11-09-2012, 04:00 PM
She is a child counsler her self, lots of schooling! Were are very tight on money so I really dont think we can afford one... I mean a big part of this is in the beginning she started giving less effection as well, the hole thing kinda came down all at once. Then eventually the crash happen, I spent the first 2 years trying to do everything... when I would come home I would try and hold her and kiss her every day! She would pull away from me and I just could not understand this, when I say something she says I sound like a girl!!! That was the very start, soon after the sex drive fell off but we still had good sex when we did. Now with the weight gain the sex is not good even when we do, I lost my attraction and I am already resentfull for all of this! Trust me when I say I miss all of it, its not just the sex... its that connection when you look at each other and all else falls into place! I have told also told her its not just the sex, it the hole pagacke of being in love with someone.
11-09-2012, 04:20 PM
You can pay now, or pay later.
My relatively simple divorce cost me $19K in Atty's fees; just mine.
I wrote her a $200K check for 1/2 the equity in the house.
I paid $2500/mo. for child support and "spousal" support. That was only for 1 child; the other two children were over 18.
Do the math.
P.S. - I think you meant whole package.
11-09-2012, 04:51 PM
11-09-2012, 04:52 PM
11-09-2012, 09:22 PM
I hate to ask, but is it possible she cheated? I had an engagement that felt a bit like you are describing your marriage... She was having a shotgun wedding a month later to someone else. I don't understand why else someone would just turn off to you unless there is someone else. But that's probably just because of my experience
Also, since you say it happened all at once, was it right after a fight? Is there something that happened that wasn't resolved? Did she catch you looking at porn? I don't really get it.
See a counselor > cheaper than divorce every time. You won't show her your marriage means anything to you if you don't push to fix it
11-10-2012, 12:06 PM
Has she been like this since you met her? Maybe she was sexually abused as a child.. or sexually assaulted.. that can cause those kinds of problems.
It could be that she has some body image issues as well.. maybe depression or anxiety?
You need to put her needs ahead of yours right now and take the time to find out what's wrong with her. If she can't talk about it, tell her to write you a letter.
There are tons of possibilities of what it could be.. But you need to figure it out if you want your marriage to work out.
Her being on FB all day and not doing the household chores isn't acceptable, especially if you're the one bringing home the bacon.
If talking and counseling doesn't help, as a last resort.. think about a trial separation?
Good luck to you.
~ Airborne42's girlfriend ~
- using mobile version, can't rep -
11-10-2012, 12:11 PM
11-10-2012, 12:12 PM
BY the way everyone's story here is not yours !! we all different and unique with are problems.
11-10-2012, 12:21 PM
A woman's main sex organ is between her ears.
You need to talk to her and listen to her, like a few others suggested I encourage you to seek out a therapist.
What your wife wants, and what you think she wants may not be the same thing.
Often simply unloading the dishwasher will get you a lot further, than having 18" arms and 5% bodyfat.
11-10-2012, 12:33 PM
11-10-2012, 01:36 PM
Okay, so I went back and skimmed over the other posts.
I have been in her situation.
Try: "Hunny, you're beautiful. I love you. You don't have to work out to be attractive to me. I probably expect too much from you, and I'm sorry for pressuring you. I've scheduled a date night for us. And no, it's not because I want sex. I just want you to be happy."
You made vows to love her through sickness and health.. so, follow through with it! Don't expect her to put out right away.. it's going to take some effort on your part.
Don't make her think she has to look perfect and work out - that will only make her resent you more.
Focus on her emotional needs.. and once those are met, I can guarantee you'll get some action.
Make her feel beautiful.. even if she's "over weight" - motivation does not come from criticism.
~ Airborne42's girlfriend ~
- using mobile version, can't rep -
11-10-2012, 02:26 PM
I thought maybe I was giving her a pass and enabling her to let herself go as things didn't change right away, and in fact she kept getting bigger and was not very nice to me. But after a while she got up and made changes on her own and was so sweet to me and grateful that I loved her and treated her just as kindly at 200 lbs with a b****y attitude... even though I didn't always want to. Our relationship went from frustrating to fantastic over the year or so it took her to re-discover herself.
If she is depressed, stop beating her up more and get her help. Pressuring her and telling her what she does wrong will increase her depression and drive a wedge between you. Show her that you want to help her, not just yourself. And get professional help
11-10-2012, 03:32 PM
Not saying that his needs should come first. Just that the problems do need to be identified and addressed. Wherever they lie. Be it with her, with him, or in all likely hood on both sides of the fence. Their are two in the relationship, not just one. Three when you consider the daughter.
Taking care of only one side or the other... anything less then the whole family unit, is simply shoring up half the problem with inadequate cribbing at best.
ADVANCED MUSCLE SCIENCE
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RECOVERBRO: Est. Post #3222
11-10-2012, 03:39 PM
I don't come to that same conclusion from listening to him. I see a person who is concerned about his family and his relationship with his wife. It seems that you fixate on his comments about sex, and don't look at the rest. It should be pretty much a given that the sex part is an easy object for a person to grab onto, hold out, use to demonstrate the situation they are in. After all, it is a basic primal need. I have no doubt, that sex is not the real object of his concern. It is just part of an example of it.
ADVANCED MUSCLE SCIENCE
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RECOVERBRO: Est. Post #3222
11-10-2012, 06:34 PM
Sorry to ramble, but here goes:
I'm a shrink and have seen this situation a zillion times. Fair disclosure: I'm gay and that may be enough for you to immediately dismiss what I have to say. But I see couples of all gender-mixes and can assure you that the situation is mainly the same for all. That's true in my own case with my partner of 19 years.
First of all: This is something many people just don't seem to get. In a long term relationship it is just natural for people to fall in love, out of love, back in love, and so on. In a truly committed relationship, there's a willingness to wait these periods out without making rash decisions. Of course, it's a personal decision how long to wait that out. But it takes a lot of pressure off yourself if you remind yourself that the bad times don't usually last forever.
Second: In a long-term committed relationship, sex usually ends up taking a quite secondary role. You build a life together. You have children. You own a home. You have mutual friends. All of these things bind us together in a way sex simply cannot over the long term.
Third: Most couples need a mediator of some sort to work this stuff out. Typically, we can't even hear one another clearly when we have become so confused, hurt, angry, and frustrated. I think most couples take too long to take this step. There are lots of therapists who work directly with sex and love in relationships. Some churches offer the same services. There are workshops and couples counseling available. The important thing is that both members of the couple be willing to participate and realize it's an incredibly common situation, if not universal.
Fourth: The appearance issue is a sensitive one that has plagued my own relationship. Consider the context here -- a site that is about lifting. Tell yourself it's about health, but we all know appearance is a huge part of it. So, you might as well own from the start that your own appearance is extremely important to you. Your partner will ALWAYS know this whether you say anything explicit or not. Three years after I got together with my partner, he gained a huge amount of weight and started drinking too much. It did kill my sexual appetite and I ended up being cruel to him -- something I have regretted ever since. It hurt him in a way that can never be erased, even if forgiven. I'm not saying it isn't a real problem and incredibly frustrating, but I urge you to be gentle. Understand, your partner doesn't just feel bad about the way they look. They also feel overwhelmed by the importance you give your own appearance. Dismiss this if you like, but I promise you it's true.
Fifth: Here is a difference where gay people and straight people often diverge, I think. Even if you enjoy your partner, it's totally natural to become attracted to other people too. Gay men are much more comfortable with non-monogamous relationships. It's not that you don't establish rules. It's not that jealousy isn't still an occasional issue. But it's just recreational sex. A lot of people of both genders do find recreational sex without an emotional attachment uncomfortable so that there is a perceived threat to the relationship's security if you open things up to other partners. But that threat is ALWAYS present anyway. This is something I'd never recommend at the outset of a relationship and not when there's a lot of conflict in the relationship. But when sexual ennui takes over in an otherwise stable relationship, it works fine for many people. Most have a don't-ask-don't-tell agreement.
Sixth: NEVER assume a person who doesn't enjoy sex as much as you doesn't love you. If you do, you're gonna be super-embarrassed as you age and your testosterone dries up.
11-10-2012, 07:05 PM
This is some nonsense if I've ever heard some. Ive been with my wife for 9 years now, we have 3 kids together. What keeps our marriage successful I believe is that we put each others needs ahead of our own. If you put here needs first like you should and she's not doing the same the resentment will no doubt kill your relationship. Don't listen to these doctor Phil type clowns that want blame stuff on the man always. Telling you that you're treating her like an ATM. What foolishness.Originally Posted by david_golds
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