Sexless marriage!!!

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    Quote Originally Posted by mls51112 View Post
    You need to put her needs ahead of yours right now...
    "Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her..."

    "Husbands, likewise, dwell with them with understanding..."

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    Quote Originally Posted by SlyCamaro View Post
    Well I think she does have mild depresson becuase shes not what she used to be, she has always been hard on herself about her weight even when she looked great! Also if she does not feel the same about me, then why not tell me and we can both move on with our lives! Even if that is true she wont fess up to it... I have never been that A hole that would complain about gaing 10-15 pounds ethier... She is now 30 years old and about 50lbs more then she was 3 years ago, I am 32! She has been getting worse with the sex drive for about 5 years and the weight just piled on!
    Again from a woman's point of you ... The problem lies between the 2 of you . I suggest counseling for both to allow hidden feelings to come out and once both of you express your likes , dislikes and desires maybe you can either reconcile or move on .
    Good luck

    BY the way everyone's story here is not yours !! we all different and unique with are problems.
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    A woman's main sex organ is between her ears.
    You need to talk to her and listen to her, like a few others suggested I encourage you to seek out a therapist.
    What your wife wants, and what you think she wants may not be the same thing.
    Often simply unloading the dishwasher will get you a lot further, than having 18" arms and 5% bodyfat.
    Good luck
    Peace
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    Quote Originally Posted by toddgranit View Post
    A woman's main sex organ is between her ears.
    You need to talk to her and listen to her, like a few others suggested I encourage you to seek out a therapist.
    What your wife wants, and what you think she wants may not be the same thing.
    Often simply unloading the dishwasher will get you a lot further, than having 18" arms and 5% bodyfat.
    Good luck
    Peace
    Spot on brother, guys have paid thousands of dollars to a counselor, for what this brother said right here. ^^^


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    Okay, so I went back and skimmed over the other posts.

    I have been in her situation.

    Try: "Hunny, you're beautiful. I love you. You don't have to work out to be attractive to me. I probably expect too much from you, and I'm sorry for pressuring you. I've scheduled a date night for us. And no, it's not because I want sex. I just want you to be happy."

    You made vows to love her through sickness and health.. so, follow through with it! Don't expect her to put out right away.. it's going to take some effort on your part.

    Don't make her think she has to look perfect and work out - that will only make her resent you more.

    Focus on her emotional needs.. and once those are met, I can guarantee you'll get some action.

    Make her feel beautiful.. even if she's "over weight" - motivation does not come from criticism.
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    Quote Originally Posted by mls51112 View Post
    Okay, so I went back and skimmed over the other posts.

    I have been in her situation.

    Try: "Hunny, you're beautiful. I love you. You don't have to work out to be attractive to me. I probably expect too much from you, and I'm sorry for pressuring you. I've scheduled a date night for us. And no, it's not because I want sex. I just want you to be happy."

    You made vows to love her through sickness and health.. so, follow through with it! Don't expect her to put out right away.. it's going to take some effort on your part.

    Don't make her think she has to look perfect and work out - that will only make her resent you more.

    Focus on her emotional needs.. and once those are met, I can guarantee you'll get some action.

    Make her feel beautiful.. even if she's "over weight" - motivation does not come from criticism.
    ^^^good stuff. Pressure makes it worse! My wife was overweight and I always tried to make sure she felt beautiful. I didn't understand why she wouldn't want to take care of herself for me, but I tried very hard to have compassion for whatever she was going through then. You must cultivate the plant and provide nourishment if you want it to grow.

    I thought maybe I was giving her a pass and enabling her to let herself go as things didn't change right away, and in fact she kept getting bigger and was not very nice to me. But after a while she got up and made changes on her own and was so sweet to me and grateful that I loved her and treated her just as kindly at 200 lbs with a b****y attitude... even though I didn't always want to. Our relationship went from frustrating to fantastic over the year or so it took her to re-discover herself.

    If she is depressed, stop beating her up more and get her help. Pressuring her and telling her what she does wrong will increase her depression and drive a wedge between you. Show her that you want to help her, not just yourself. And get professional help
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    Quote Originally Posted by David Dunn View Post
    "Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her...""Husbands, likewise, dwell with them with understanding..."
    I have to disagree with your praise of her statement that he needs to put her needs ahead of his right now. The road to resentment is a slippery one and a hard one to return from.

    Not saying that his needs should come first. Just that the problems do need to be identified and addressed. Wherever they lie. Be it with her, with him, or in all likely hood on both sides of the fence. Their are two in the relationship, not just one. Three when you consider the daughter.

    Taking care of only one side or the other... anything less then the whole family unit, is simply shoring up half the problem with inadequate cribbing at best.
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    Quote Originally Posted by david_golds View Post
    From your comments, you seem to be thinking about this only from your own perspective. It sounds like you want sex, and you see your wife as a sort of ATM machine where you just have to push the right buttons (clean the yard, say the right things, etc.) and sex will fall out.

    I don't come to that same conclusion from listening to him. I see a person who is concerned about his family and his relationship with his wife. It seems that you fixate on his comments about sex, and don't look at the rest. It should be pretty much a given that the sex part is an easy object for a person to grab onto, hold out, use to demonstrate the situation they are in. After all, it is a basic primal need. I have no doubt, that sex is not the real object of his concern. It is just part of an example of it.
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    Sorry to ramble, but here goes:

    I'm a shrink and have seen this situation a zillion times. Fair disclosure: I'm gay and that may be enough for you to immediately dismiss what I have to say. But I see couples of all gender-mixes and can assure you that the situation is mainly the same for all. That's true in my own case with my partner of 19 years.

    First of all: This is something many people just don't seem to get. In a long term relationship it is just natural for people to fall in love, out of love, back in love, and so on. In a truly committed relationship, there's a willingness to wait these periods out without making rash decisions. Of course, it's a personal decision how long to wait that out. But it takes a lot of pressure off yourself if you remind yourself that the bad times don't usually last forever.

    Second: In a long-term committed relationship, sex usually ends up taking a quite secondary role. You build a life together. You have children. You own a home. You have mutual friends. All of these things bind us together in a way sex simply cannot over the long term.

    Third: Most couples need a mediator of some sort to work this stuff out. Typically, we can't even hear one another clearly when we have become so confused, hurt, angry, and frustrated. I think most couples take too long to take this step. There are lots of therapists who work directly with sex and love in relationships. Some churches offer the same services. There are workshops and couples counseling available. The important thing is that both members of the couple be willing to participate and realize it's an incredibly common situation, if not universal.

    Fourth: The appearance issue is a sensitive one that has plagued my own relationship. Consider the context here -- a site that is about lifting. Tell yourself it's about health, but we all know appearance is a huge part of it. So, you might as well own from the start that your own appearance is extremely important to you. Your partner will ALWAYS know this whether you say anything explicit or not. Three years after I got together with my partner, he gained a huge amount of weight and started drinking too much. It did kill my sexual appetite and I ended up being cruel to him -- something I have regretted ever since. It hurt him in a way that can never be erased, even if forgiven. I'm not saying it isn't a real problem and incredibly frustrating, but I urge you to be gentle. Understand, your partner doesn't just feel bad about the way they look. They also feel overwhelmed by the importance you give your own appearance. Dismiss this if you like, but I promise you it's true.

    Fifth: Here is a difference where gay people and straight people often diverge, I think. Even if you enjoy your partner, it's totally natural to become attracted to other people too. Gay men are much more comfortable with non-monogamous relationships. It's not that you don't establish rules. It's not that jealousy isn't still an occasional issue. But it's just recreational sex. A lot of people of both genders do find recreational sex without an emotional attachment uncomfortable so that there is a perceived threat to the relationship's security if you open things up to other partners. But that threat is ALWAYS present anyway. This is something I'd never recommend at the outset of a relationship and not when there's a lot of conflict in the relationship. But when sexual ennui takes over in an otherwise stable relationship, it works fine for many people. Most have a don't-ask-don't-tell agreement.

    Sixth: NEVER assume a person who doesn't enjoy sex as much as you doesn't love you. If you do, you're gonna be super-embarrassed as you age and your testosterone dries up.
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    Quote Originally Posted by david_golds
    From your comments, you seem to be thinking about this only from your own perspective. It sounds like you want sex, and you see your wife as a sort of ATM machine where you just have to push the right buttons (clean the yard, say the right things, etc.) and sex will fall out. If she feels that you're simply trying to persuade or cajole her to get what you want, and that you're reacting with a frustrated sense of entitlement and whining when you don't get what you want, that might explain her coldness.

    It may just be that she has no sex drive. And if she does have a drive, it may be that her fantasies don't include you. Either way, you ought to spend some time trying to figure out what she really wants. For what it's worth, asking her point-blank probably isn't a great way to get the information, especially if you've been acting victimized and making her feel unsafe to say things that might hurt you more.
    This is some nonsense if I've ever heard some. Ive been with my wife for 9 years now, we have 3 kids together. What keeps our marriage successful I believe is that we put each others needs ahead of our own. If you put here needs first like you should and she's not doing the same the resentment will no doubt kill your relationship. Don't listen to these doctor Phil type clowns that want blame stuff on the man always. Telling you that you're treating her like an ATM. What foolishness.
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    Quote Originally Posted by CopyCat View Post
    I don't come to that same conclusion from listening to him. I see a person who is concerned about his family and his relationship with his wife. It seems that you fixate on his comments about sex, and don't look at the rest. It should be pretty much a given that the sex part is an easy object for a person to grab onto, hold out, use to demonstrate the situation they are in. After all, it is a basic primal need. I have no doubt, that sex is not the real object of his concern. It is just part of an example of it.
    Thank you! We have been talking allot and I think she understands I love her and I want her to feel good about herself! This in return I believe would get the relationship back on track and sex would come with that! Trust me I have been very quite about her weight for a long time, I tried to make her feel attractive and give her attention and she would push me away in more ways then one. I simply feel like I do not deserve to be in a marriage that I am not happy in, I will do what I can to make this work and if it continues down this path I will make the correct changes, even if it hurts me to death to do so! Like I stated before, doing laundry and dishes gets me nowhere in this situation, it's been tested many times!
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    Quote Originally Posted by SlyCamaro View Post
    I will do what I can to make this work and if ...
    You do what you need to make it work. Big difference.

    My marriage was on the outs about 10 years ago. I moved out and got my own place. On the phone with a brother of mine and as I was telling him my situation I went into the same lines as you you did; "I have done all I can..." As the words rolled off my lips my heart was convicted deeply of how selfish I was. I recognized there was a big difference between not being selfish and actually being selfless. I moved home within two days and have been in a continuously deeper and more intimate relationship with my wife ever since. Pray for and with your wife.
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    Quote Originally Posted by David Dunn
    You do what you need to make it work. Big difference.

    My marriage was on the outs about 10 years ago. I moved out and got my own place. On the phone with a brother of mine and as I was telling him my situation I went into the same lines as you you did; "I have done all I can..." As the words rolled off my lips my heart was convicted deeply of how selfish I was. I recognized there was a big difference between not being selfish and actually being selfless. I moved home within two days and have been in a continuously deeper and more intimate relationship with my wife ever since. Pray for and with your wife.
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    Quote Originally Posted by rsnake21

    This is some nonsense if I've ever heard some. Ive been with my wife for 9 years now, we have 3 kids together. What keeps our marriage successful I believe is that we put each others needs ahead of our own. If you put here needs first like you should and she's not doing the same the resentment will no doubt kill your relationship. Don't listen to these doctor Phil type clowns that want blame stuff on the man always. Telling you that you're treating her like an ATM. What foolishness.
    Amen brother. Truth spoken
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    Quote Originally Posted by rsnake21 View Post
    This is some nonsense if I've ever heard some. Ive been with my wife for 9 years now, we have 3 kids together. What keeps our marriage successful I believe is that we put each others needs ahead of our own. If you put here needs first like you should and she's not doing the same the resentment will no doubt kill your relationship. Don't listen to these doctor Phil type clowns that want blame stuff on the man always. Telling you that you're treating her like an ATM. What foolishness.
    You could be right. I didn't get the impression that he was putting her needs first, or that he even understood what her needs are. Based on his description of her reactions about the housework, she seemed to place low value on the things he was doing. Based on the attitude he reports her giving, it seems plausible that she feels that some deep needs of hers are being unmet.

    Granted, she might not be communicating her needs, so he could be frustrated that his guesses are wrong. Welcome to the female mind. I recommend "five love languages", like others have.
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    could be depression or horomone imbalance. is zhe willing to be checked for these issues? i had a friend deal with the exact same thing and turns out it was an imbalance issue and a touch of depression. they sat down talked about it and found alot of things wrong that she never really told him about and she was put on some horomonal meds and depression meds for awhile while she worked through. some things.they are still together .
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    A little update, she has gone to the doctor for some blood work and check her thyroid. She started working out and eating better the last 2 weeks and her attitude seems a bit better. We will see were this goes, as far as the house work and it's my flat crap! Sorry I don't buy it... I don't care if your a woman or a man, self confidence and being happy within your self is on YOU! When someone is not happy with them selves it's impossible to make some one else happy!!!! The house work thing did not work because it does not fix her self esteem problems, it won't help her loose weight or gain her confidence back... I realized she attacks me when I bring this up because it's a way of getting away from the real issue! I told her I am her for her but I can't hold her hand and push her, she needs to WANT changes or there will be no change!
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    that feel
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    Quote Originally Posted by mls51112 View Post
    Okay, so I went back and skimmed over the other posts.

    I have been in her situation.

    Try: "Hunny, you're beautiful. I love you. You don't have to work out to be attractive to me. I probably expect too much from you, and I'm sorry for pressuring you. I've scheduled a date night for us. And no, it's not because I want sex. I just want you to be happy."

    You made vows to love her through sickness and health.. so, follow through with it! Don't expect her to put out right away.. it's going to take some effort on your part.

    Don't make her think she has to look perfect and work out - that will only make her resent you more.

    Focus on her emotional needs.. and once those are met, I can guarantee you'll get some action.

    Make her feel beautiful.. even if she's "over weight" - motivation does not come from criticism.
    I agree. And If she does want to loose weight, which it sounds like it would be great for her confidence (thats why I workout too funnily enough), let it be for her health-dont make the weight an issue. If she wants to join a gym, let her choose the gym. You could join/swap with her and just take her through a light program that is easy. After about two weeks start to give her compliments. If its hard she wont stick too it. When she gets used to it she may want somthing more challenging.



    Is it possible you could offer to work out with her?
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    She will not work out with me or around me, for some reason it makes her uncomfortable! We have been together for 10 years and have only been to the gym together 3 times! I did not put any pressure on her at the gym, I left her to do her own thing and told her if she needs help just let me know... So were that comes from is again, self esteem issue and its nothing I caused! Regardless of what this thread my sound like, the things you guys are saying about making for health and telling her she looks good... I do!!!! This is why I have been so frustrated, at this point its not me or what I need to do... This is about her, I cant make her happy! She needs to want to be happy and get in control of what she wants in life! I will be there to support her and help her, but if things dont change this will only go so far. I am hoping for the best, but I also realize that I do not deserve to be a pay check and a punching bag... Thats not a marriage should feel like!!!!
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    Quote Originally Posted by SlyCamaro View Post
    She will not work out with me or around me, for some reason it makes her uncomfortable! We have been together for 10 years and have only been to the gym together 3 times! I did not put any pressure on her at the gym, I left her to do her own thing and told her if she needs help just let me know... So were that comes from is again, self esteem issue and its nothing I caused! Regardless of what this thread my sound like, the things you guys are saying about making for health and telling her she looks good... I do!!!! This is why I have been so frustrated, at this point its not me or what I need to do... This is about her, I cant make her happy! She needs to want to be happy and get in control of what she wants in life! I will be there to support her and help her, but if things dont change this will only go so far. I am hoping for the best, but I also realize that I do not deserve to be a pay check and a punching bag... Thats not a marriage should feel like!!!!
    You know the situation better than anyone. But I Agree. It needs to be two way.
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    Communication and understanding. If you cheat and get caught, just remember your daughter will eventually find out and that may ruin certain aspects of trust with her future relationships (and her view of you). For better of worse... you made that commitment. Sex is important, UBER important, but so is emotional intimacy. It could be as simple as her hormones running crazy after having a child. That happens.
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    Maybe shes cheating?
    Do what u have to do. If she doesnt want to have sex and u do. Dont fight and argue about it. U have sex, she doesnt.
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    Quote Originally Posted by Iron Fire View Post
    Communication and understanding. If you cheat and get caught, just remember your daughter will eventually find out and that may ruin certain aspects of trust with her future relationships (and her view of you). For better of worse... you made that commitment. Sex is important, UBER important, but so is emotional intimacy. It could be as simple as her hormones running crazy after having a child. That happens.
    Based on my two son's reaction to their mother's repeated infidelity, I've revised your quote a bit:

    "If you cheat you will get caught and your children will find out, that will ruin their relationship with you, that will make them want to create as much distance from you as possible, they will lose all respect for you, and your actions will destroy their ability to fully trust future relationships."

    Do not cheat; period.
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    Quote Originally Posted by Iron Fire View Post
    Sex is important, UBER important, but so is emotional intimacy.
    Actually once you recognized that there is much much more to life and marriage than the physical act of sexual gratification you will come to find that emotional intimacy is the most important part of maintaining and sustaining a long and healthy emotionally and sexually fulfilling marriage for both partners.

    I used to struggle with thinking that greater sex will produce greater intimacy. So I strove to turn sex into a more grand physical performance. The opposite happened. She was less interested, not uninterested, in sex because it was clear to her that I was not making love to her from my heart but rather using her as a partner in a performance based activity to show her my love. Fail!

    Now that I have focused on developing and nurturing a greater intimacy with my wife her desire for me is much greater. The mediocre sex became great sex and the great sex became even more so. There is NO greater trasncending fulfilment within your marriage relationship than true and deep intimacy. My sex life is greater and more fulfilling now than it has ever been. My wife desires me more now than ever because she knows she is not just on the receiving end of my penis but my heart.
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    Preach brother preach. Lol very well said
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    Quote Originally Posted by David Dunn View Post
    Actually once you recognized that there is much much more to life and marriage than the physical act of sexual gratification you will come to find that emotional intimacy is the most important part of maintaining and sustaining a long and healthy emotionally and sexually fulfilling marriage for both partners.

    I used to struggle with thinking that greater sex will produce greater intimacy. So I strove to turn sex into a more grand physical performance. The opposite happened. She was less interested, not uninterested, in sex because it was clear to her that I was not making love to her from my heart but rather using her as a partner in a performance based activity to show her my love. Fail!

    Now that I have focused on developing and nurturing a greater intimacy with my wife her desire for me is much greater. The mediocre sex became great sex and the great sex became even more so. There is NO greater trasncending fulfilment within your marriage relationship than true and deep intimacy. My sex life is greater and more fulfilling now than it has ever been. My wife desires me more now than ever because she knows she is not just on the receiving end of my penis but my heart.
    I agree with you my friend... and thats why I am going to give this another chance, but will not continue to live this way! We get there or we dont and I will find that with someone who feels that same passion! End of Story!!! I have one life to live...
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    Best of luck to you.
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    Quote Originally Posted by SlyCamaro View Post
    I agree with you my friend... and thats why I am going to give this another chance, but will not continue to live this way! We get there or we dont and I will find that with someone who feels that same passion! End of Story!!! I have one life to live...
    There is nothing I can say to alter your thoughts on this; however - as one who has been there - I strongly suggest you do everything you can to make it work. And the "it", is the marriage (not just the sex), because the marriage is the basis for your family. Once that basis is gone, the family is fragmented and, ultimately, the child pays the greatest price (emotional well-being), while the husband usually pays through the nose financially, and yet the wife usually lives at a much lower financial level than does the husband.

    While we are at it, because the wife will usually have primary custody of the child, you will be paying both child support and spousal support to her - without having any say on how the money is spent. Even though you are paying spousal support, she may start living with another man (and you can do NOTHING to stop that) who will, in essence, take over day-to-day Dad duty. That she may start living with someone does not necessarily get you out of paying spousal support, either.

    Her ability to remarry (as well as yours) may be hindered by the fact that a possible suitor may not want to assume instant family status. That means, she may be receiving spousal support for some time. In California, that is usually 1/2 the length of the marriage, or - if a long term (20+ year) marriage - essentially "forever".

    As for child support, you can plan on paying that every month until the later of the child’s 18th birthday, or high school graduation. That is a long time for someone else to use your money to raise your child. In my case, my ex used child support to finance vacations and cars that, due to child support and spousal support obligations, I could no longer afford.

    For me, the thought of having some other guy raise my children was more than enough motivation to make me tolerate a far-less-than-satisfying (read horrible) sexual relationship - for several years.

    Please realize you will be tied to your wife/ex-wife until at least the time the child turns 18. You and she will HATE one another, yet you will have to deal with her several times every month. For years. And years.

    Passion and sexual gratification are both important, within the right confines and in the right context.

    So is being a Dad.

    And having a good sex life usually results from having a good marriage, not the other way around. Even though I feel that I did everything to improve the marriage (and sex), it did not improve. You can't clap with only one hand. But I'll be darned if I didn't do my part, and then a whole bunch more.


    I restate my one suggestion: Go to counseling. You cannot afford not to.


    If nothing else, would you not want to at least honestly tell your child you did everything possible to maintain the family, and say that truthfully? Explaining that you don’t live with your child because Mommy and I didn’t have enough sex but we didn't go to counseling probably won’t help soothe your child’s broken heart.


    Once kids are part of the equation; everything changes.

    And that is because, it should.

    Oh, and you might want to talk to a few friends (with kids) who are divorced and see how they like the financial impact and not seeing their kids. Better yet, find a church with a divorce recovery workshop and attend just one session as a visitor. You would be amazed.
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    Guys I think some of you misunderstand me somewhat. I am not basing everything off of sex alone, it's just part of it! My wife also makes more money then I do, so if worst case I would only be paying child support. I have no intension of leaving right now, I am going to give this everything I have so if the end does come...I could tell my girl I gave it my all! I come from a broken home, my mom left my dad and gave up on things, she became a drug addict, my dad raised me well! And I forgave my mother, she a sick person... As you get older you understand the truth of things also! I am better off because of my parents split! When does staying together actually hurt your child even more!
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    you gotta leave if she is making no attempts to fix the probelms. better for you and the kids as they aren't dumb and will know things are wrong. like u said give it all you got but remember it takes 2 to make it work and if she isn't. willing to make any effort land down the law tell her ifs over and hire a lawyer to get ready for the court battle.
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    There will come a time when you have to do whats best. My son had the same issues , he took his wife out on a dinner date and simply told her he was done, no more laundry, washing clothes etc. he wanted a wife and mother to their children. She told him no that she was leaving him in two weeks anyway. No matter what he tried nothing worked. Today, he is married to a beautiful woman who has been more of a mother to his children than his ex ever was...!

    I know he went all out to fix things, church, etc....but it takes two to work things out. Her half wasn't there and it was over. I wish you the best, I watched the pain he went thru...and it took alot out of him.
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    Thanks for all the relpies brothers, belive me this has actually helped! So thank you all... Can I ask that this thread be deleted at this point?
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