Relationship Advice Needed
03-21-2009 06:29 PM
Relationship Advice Needed
Ok so here is the deal. I am currently working in Iraq as a contractor. This is a totally voluntary job but I feel it is a great way to meet my goals financially at a young age, 28.
I have a girlfriend back home that I trust. Since I am in Iraq I get vacation every four months. We made plans that we would meet somewhere in the world every vacation and that I would pay for her ticket out to wherever we choose to go. She doesnt have a lot of money cuz she is a waitress. We stay in pretty good touch. However when I call she is usually doing something else. She can talk but she is always a little distracted. I have basically said before "HEY! we dont get to see each other or even talk that much so stop what you are doing and talk to me." I dont think she gets it. Also when she calls me, it is always like "hey I can only talk for a few minutes cuz I am going into work or whatever". So why even call at thaty time?
I asked her to do some things and they do not get done. like for example, i wanted her to do something(personal) that would cost 30 bucks. She said she would do it but she never did. When I asked her days later why she didnt she said she has no money. Okay fair enough but why did you tell me you would do it then? And then just not do it without saying anything. Oh and she just bought a new camera.
another example. I asked her to download 2 songs for me and email them to me as soon as she could (i cant download or stream). She said she would. that was like 5 days ago. I asked her if she had a chance to and she said she couldnt find the songs. So that leads me to believe she looked for like a grand total of maybe 5 seconds over those 5 days.
Sadly that is the extent of how much I rely on her for anything and she fails to deliver on such simple things. This is about as deep as our relationship is right now which I find odd as well because we have been talking for a while. I have asked questions concerning these topics but I think I am kind of brushed off like it is not a big deal. I dont want to start yelling at her like I am ordering her to do things. I feel if i request such simple stuff she should want to make me happy right?
Its not so much she has done anything big at all. its just the consistancy of the small disappointments. This relationships is not fulfilling.
So my question is, what do you guys think? How do I handle this especially with a vacation coming up?
03-21-2009 07:03 PM
Well when vacation comes up, tell her you forgot to get her a ticket, and go on a singles cruise, because you didnt know what that was.....
If she wants to play games let her. Personally man from what I know from watching the people of this world, my time spent in constant psychology classes and studies, and from common sense. She doesnt care. I mean its 1 girl bro, and it most likely wont work in the long run, and if you have premarital sex, then that is a need for her, which most people fill needs alot sooner than every 8 months.
I mean she could be looking at you as a free ticket to go placed once a year, and as easy money. And in the mean time she is enjoying herself, and she knows there is not much you can do to keep tabs.
Do you have any friends who know her who are in the states? This sounds like a classic FUBAR or BOHICA coming your way man. You might wanna grab this bull by the horns, dont taker her anywhere next vacation. Tell her you want to take time to be home in the states, and feel normal. Stay with her. And see how fast things get Flipping crazy, and how much she flips out, and how many "odd" "coincidences" start happening.
Cut the line. No way a simple waitress can be as busy as that. I wake up, have work as a sub contracter(roofer/salesman), gym time, church like 4 days a week, and personal things to do, as well as relax time. I still find time to talk to people who call.... I mean...there is no excuse. Especially if its some one you "love" or care for.
Your gettin played. Well...Thats my Opinion.
03-21-2009 07:11 PM
Dude, she isn't worth your time period. I have girls that do way more then that for me and I dont do crap for them but the ones I do stuff for would do anything for me. Go find yourself another girl and be happy in the long run life is to short not to be happy and feel great talking to the person you like.
Originally Posted by Zero V
I was unhappy with my ex of 3 1/2 years then we broke up and my new gf is a lot better. I'm happily in love and plan to marry her but dont tell her that yet haha.
03-21-2009 07:18 PM
+1... not worth your time at all.
Originally Posted by WhatsaRoid?
03-21-2009 07:26 PM
thank you for speaking the truth.
03-21-2009 07:55 PM
I hear what you are saying but I seriously trust this chick. She is different, like she is flaky. She is the kind of weirdo person who would be playing with her cat for like an hour and then realize oh crap i am late for work. But apparently not the kind of chick that is like "oh crap! we have been talking for an hour, i am late for work." She is a very honest person. I think the lack of interrest she is showing is just her being genuine. I dont think there is anything more to it. She just doesnt really care.
Originally Posted by Zero V
03-21-2009 07:57 PM
I think it's time to end that relationship. How old is the girl. She sounds immature. You really want to feel her out. Don't call her.
03-21-2009 08:02 PM
Originally Posted by WhatsaRoid?
This is true. I deserve a little something. But another complication is that when I contront her about these things she tells me how much she cares about me. And why cant I just see that! She is serious man. I just think she is so flaky or inexperienced or something. She is 21 and never been in a real relationship, she was a dork. This chick is hot now so i kind of feel like I got some unspoiled goods. I know thats stupid but is it possible she doesnt know how to be in a relationship? like I said I am her first(real relationship)? And no i am not being naive. She is a very genuine pure person.
03-21-2009 08:04 PM
Originally Posted by lonewolf0420
she is 21. I did this yesterday and she sent me 3 emails and called me twice today. And then when i talked to her it was the same weird quick conversation.
03-21-2009 10:49 PM
My ex, was at that time to me the perfect girl. She did everything to make it seem perfect. I trusted her with my life. I never thought she could even be mean. Took meh 2 years to to find out what she really was capable of. I mean she was always thought of as the amazing innocent girl. When people found out we had been "intimate" it shocked everyone(me included). Then as time went on, things got weirder and weirder. Then although it hurt like crap, I made the call to call it quits. She wasnt who I thought she was yeah it hurt like hell, and here today 2 years alter i still have scars from it.
Originally Posted by dynomite
Thats like man. But never go on your hearts feeling of "I can trust her, she is different!". Those are some famous last words before my friend. Said way too often.
03-22-2009 02:36 AM
DUDE! i just ended a 5-7 (i forget) year relationship, very similar to yours.... It was the hardest thing i have ever done.. but now that i sucked it up... ive been for somereason surrounded by not only better looking girls, but girls that know how to treat a guy wayyyy better then she ever could. Never in my wildest inagination would i ever think id be happy again... but I am.... MY advice: get you some you baby!
Edit: i bought her purses... payed car notes... took her shopping.. and what did I want? a fu*king pre-wrkout drink.. did she deliver... nope!.... she still owes me 1600.00. that hoe. i wish I had said NO when i saw the first signs of seperation... THANKS for pissin me off.. negs for this thread...JK>.. best of luck too u brother!
03-22-2009 03:57 AM
You said this relationship is not fulfilling so get your bait and go fishing IMO.
03-22-2009 05:59 AM
Yeah man. I was in a very similar relationship. I was this girls first proper relationship. I was a fool really. She was my proper first relationship too as such. I had been with girls but just on nighters and I thought for some reason this girl was the one. Things were not easy at all sometimes. She had issues and at times she made me feel friggin suicidal, but I just kept going.
Then after 3 years of this crap I felt enough was enough and I split up with her. It was real hard. She was begging me to not do it and she was saying she woould wait for me however long I needed but I never went back.
About 2 years later I met the girl who is now my wife. It has never been hard work. If she is the one it will be just right and you wont be having these questions. I hate seeing people putting themselves through bad relationships now when the only reason I they haven't broke up is because its easier to keep going.
03-22-2009 10:55 AM
yeah you know exactly what I am talking about. you are dead on man.
Originally Posted by DreamOfWeight
03-22-2009 11:19 AM
I am in Iraq.
Originally Posted by Iron Warrior
03-22-2009 07:59 PM
You really need to get her on the phone and talk to her...deep conversation. I know that can be hard for guys to do, or even a girl with a crappy attention span, so it may take some coaxing. Show her that you genuinely care, and ask her to put more effort into the relationship, and if she becomes difficult or refuses, then tell her it's over. You can't afford not to be honest.
Me, personally, I wouldn't put up with how she is acting. She's young, but it's no excuse. I'm 22, but feel I'm much more mature than most 35yo I know...Sometimes, people just never grow up.
If she can't talk and open up to you, then there is no way she will ever be able to hold a good relationship. I know it can be hard, but you may just have to let her go.
03-22-2009 08:10 PM
Honestly buddy, the way she acts makes it seem like there is another guy. I have been there before.Long distance relationships rarely work out. Sounds exactly like what happened with her.I would confront her and get the truth out of her I'd I were you. Her intrests are lying elsewhere. Girls are clingy as hell when they are really into you.
Originally Posted by dynomite
03-22-2009 08:12 PM
i agree with zerov here. also, i will let you think about this: so you come home after a great job reconstructing iraq. if something, anything happens to you i.e. hospital, do you trust her with your bank account information to pay bills? more importantly, will she mail your car payment, mortgage, etc off from your account, or will she forget because there's obviously other things (her cat) that catch her interest more.
this is one of the few times i'll say something like this, but just have fun with her, but don't bother taking her very seriously. if you can't trust her to make good decisions for you, she may not be what you want in the long run.
if you really like flaky people though, and you have friends that you trust to accomplish a mission, she may be perfect
03-22-2009 10:11 PM
below is an email convo i just had with her. I broke up with her on the phone prior to this conversation. her email is delusional. i never accused her of lying. and we do not talk every day. and the phone on my desk is a stateside number, we should be talking everyday. got to read bottom to top.
I am a big baby hmmm. I am far far far away from home, family, friends and you in a very very very ****ty country(remember when you moved to austin!). I think it is pretty normal to miss my girlfriend. But to you I am just a big baby. So **** you.
So that should tell you something about yourself and why i feel the way i do.
this was my second response: hmmm calling me more, 2 songs = trip to Europe.......yeah you screwed up
You know what, you are a big overly sensitive baby. Not a single thing i have done for you has been good enough for you, not one thing. You have an issue understanding that i still have a life over here too. We talk every single day Mason. When we don't, we email. You came back into my life only so you could turn around and leave to the other side of the world, knowing that you were planning on leaving. You insisted on me letting you back into my heart only so you could break it..again. You don't believe me when i tell you how much a care for you, do you know how frustrating, defeating, and painful that is for you to constantly tell me?? Then on top of that you call me a liar b.c i couldn't find ONE of the songs you needed, and then you dump me for these things, saying its just the small things? Totally, absolutely lame. There is posativetly no pleasing you what so ever. I should have listened to you when you said you have some insecurities, cuz boy do you ever. Im sorry if you dont see losing me as loss, as you so blutly stated in our conversation, but I sure hope youre right, for your sake. Oh and Kudos on dumping me right after I get through telling you our new puppy died all while im on my way to work a shift, real smooth. Gah! please just leave me alone, I would really rather not hear from you anymore. You've sucked me dry.
Our conversation on the phone did not go anything like I planned it. I really did not think that you would be that angry and I thought that we would be able to talk about what is going on. You have not done anything big. The consistent little things are what make a relationship. It is all about the little things that paint the big picture. In my opinion since I have been on nights we should have been talking every single night for an hour or more. I know you have had time for other things but those other things are not me. And I should be one of your top priorities. When I am not a top priority I feel like ****. If you cant squeeze a little time to talk to me because Haley is in town then that tells me something. If you cant download a couple songs, that tells me something. If you take your $30 and buy a camera instead of doing what I asked, that tells me something. When you call me while driving to work and say "i can only talk for a couple minutes", that tells me something. If you are okay with talking to me mere minutes a day(i know not every day), that tells me something. What conclusion am I supposed to draw from all of this? Jacqui, a relationship is way more than mooshy words. WAY MORE. I buy you flowers, I want to talk on the phone with you forever, I would do ANYTHING for you, I would fly you to Europe! But you cant send me 2 songs, that is a red flag. My friend found those songs in 5 seconds. The songs are not what is important, it is the act. Dont you want to make me happy? I am not trying to blame this on you. I know that is how it sounds. If anything I am to blame. I am over here and I chose to be over here. I am the one that put us in this situation. I am sorry. I am so so sorry. Please understand what I am saying. Please. I do not want you to hate me. I honestly thought you would not even care that I wanted to braeak up. Thats how distant I feel from you and it hurts. I just dont want to hurt anymore. Thats what this is about.
You are an incredible woman Jacqui. You really are the most incredible women that I have ever met. But I cant do this because of what I have written above. I also understand that maybe the things I have said dont make sense to you because maybe in your head, you care about me. But how am I suppoosed to know that? It hurts too much when I hang up with you after talking for 10 minutes. There is a phone sitting right here on my desk, a direct link between me and you that I stare at, that doesnt ring. There is no reason that I should not be in trouble for talking on the phone with you too much. Please understand. I want you in my life. If you dont want me in yours then I can accept that. But I do not think we should hate each other. We are better than that.
03-22-2009 10:27 PM
That's a crappy, incredible woman.
I like how the first one says "I don't want you to hate me." But after she says her bit, your last message says, "F*ck you."
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