TrIpDoG's MeGa-SuPeR GiVeAwAy

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    TrIpDoG's MeGa-SuPeR GiVeAwAy


    Welcome all to the TripDog spectacular mega super giveaway.

    I wanted to run a contest for the world at Anabolic Minds here, and hook up some lucky mofo.

    Winner will get a choice of one of the following..

    Incarnate- my favorite PAL product, and keeps joints and atp stores full and ready.

    Leviathan Reloaded- burn some fat, and feel great doing it.

    Paravol- did someone say volume enhancement ?



    Contest rules: MAKE ME LAUGH, I don't care how you do it, or what method is used, just do it. Be creative, and use your imaginations. I'm going to run this till the end of June, so you all have more than enough time to enter a few attempts. Only one entry per day

    -Any you-tube videos must be under 1 minute long.

    -Winner must agree to run a log here on AM with the product that is won.

    I know there are some funny mofo's on here, so do it up.

    ~TripDog
    Last edited by TripDog; 06-08-2008 at 11:45 PM.
    The LORD is my rock, my fortress, and my savior; my God is my rock, in whom I find protection. He is my shield, the power that saves me, and my place of safety.-Psalm 18:2

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    Not really funny, but its a warmup if u like workin on stuff


    DRILL PRESS:
    A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted vertical stabilizer which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.
    WIRE WHEEL:
    Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light . Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned cleco calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, "Oh sh*t!"
    ELECTRIC HAND DRILL:
    Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age.
    SKILL SAW:
    A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.
    PLIERS:
    Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.
    BELT SANDER:
    An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.
    HACKSAW:
    One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
    VISE-GRIPS:
    Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
    WELDING GLOVES:
    Heavy duty leather gloves used to prolong the conduction of intense welding< /SPAN> heat to the palm of your hand.
    OXYACETYLENE TORCH:
    Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub you want the bearing race out of.
    TABLE SAW:
    A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.
    HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK:
    Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bum per.
    EIGHT-FOOT LONG YELLOW PINE 2X4:
    Used for levering an automobile upward off of a trapped hydraulic jack handle.
    E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR:
    A tool ten times harder than any known drill bit that snaps neatly off in bolt holes thereby ending any possible future use.
    BAND SAW:
    A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminium sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.
    TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST:
    A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.
    CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER:
    A very large pry bar that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.
    AVIATION METAL SNIPS:
    See hacksaw.
    PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER:
    Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids and for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.
    STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER:
    A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws.
    PRY BAR:
    A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
    HOSE CUTTER:
    A tool used to make hoses too short.
    HAMMER:
    Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.
    MECHANIC'S KNIFE:
    Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.
    DAMMIT TOOL:
    Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling "DAMMIT" at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.
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    Check this out.

    •   
       

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    Quote Originally Posted by ozarkaBRAND View Post
    Check this out.

    lmao
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    so do lame jokes count? or just non-you tube videos?
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    Quote Originally Posted by boxmeman View Post
    WOW...Trip has to have a super mega giveaway to earn rep points, from male prostitute to philanthropist... You ought to write a book!
    Actually its a company promotion.
    The LORD is my rock, my fortress, and my savior; my God is my rock, in whom I find protection. He is my shield, the power that saves me, and my place of safety.-Psalm 18:2
  7. Bananas
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    edit
    Last edited by TripDog; 06-08-2008 at 11:46 PM.
    The LORD is my rock, my fortress, and my savior; my God is my rock, in whom I find protection. He is my shield, the power that saves me, and my place of safety.-Psalm 18:2
  8. Bananas
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    Quote Originally Posted by ozarkaBRAND View Post
    Check this out.

    dude that was good!!
    The LORD is my rock, my fortress, and my savior; my God is my rock, in whom I find protection. He is my shield, the power that saves me, and my place of safety.-Psalm 18:2
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    Quote Originally Posted by boxmeman View Post
    WOW...Trip has to have a super mega giveaway to earn rep points, from male prostitute to philanthropist... You ought to write a book!
    huh?
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    this made me giggle
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    On the first day of school a first grade teacher explains to her class that she is a Yankees fan. She asks her students to raise their hands if they, too, are Yankees fans.

    Wanting to impress their teacher, everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl.

    The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says, "Janie, why didn't you raise your hand?"

    "Because I'm not a Yankees fan," she replied.

    The teacher, still shocked, asked, "Well, if you are not a Yankees fan, then who are you a fan of?"

    "I am a Red Sox fan, and proud of it," Janie replied.

    The teacher could not believe her ears. "Janie, why pray tell are you a Red Sox fan?"

    "Because my mom is a Red Sox fan, and my dad is Red Sox fan, so I'm a Red Sox fan too!"

    "Well," said the teacher in a obviously annoyed tone, "that is no reason for you to be a Red Sox fan. You don't have to be just like your parents all of the time. What if your mom were an idiot and your dad were a moron, what would you be then?"

    "Then," Janie smiled, "I'd be a Yankees fan."
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    A family of New York fans headed out one Saturday to shop for the youngest boy's birthday. While in the sports shop the son picks up a Red Sox jersey and says to his older sister, "I've decided to become a Red Sox fan and I would like this Boston jersey for my birthday."

    His big sister is outraged by this and promptly whacks him upside his head and says, "Go talk to mother." Off goes the little lad with the jersey in hand and finds his mother.

    "Mom?"

    "Yes, son?"

    "I've decided I'm going to be a Red Sox fan and I would like this jersey for my birthday."

    The mother is outraged at this, promptly whacks him around the head and says, "Go talk to your father!" Off he goes with the Red Sox jersey in hand and finds his father.

    "Dad?"

    "Yes, son?"

    "I've decided I'm going to be a Red Sox fan and I would like this jersey for my birthday."

    The father is outraged and promptly whacks his son in the back of his head and says, "No son of mine is ever going to be seen in THAT!"

    About half an hour later they're all back in the car and heading towards home. The father turns to his son and says "Son, I hope you've learned something today?"

    The son says, "Yes, Dad, I have."

    "Good son, what is it?"

    The son replies, "I've only been a Red Sox fan for an hour and I already hate you Yankee bastards."
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    John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the
    > rest of me life!, between the legs of me wife!"
    >
    > That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!
    >
    > He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best
    > toast of the night" She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your
    > toast?" John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in
    > church beside me wife." "Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary
    > said.
    >
    > The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the
    > street corner.
    >
    > The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other
    > night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary." She said, "Aye, he
    > told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only
    > been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the
    > other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."
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    Albert Einstein is at a party and he's surrounded by a small crowd of admirers. He introduces himself to the first member of the group, and asks, "What is your IQ?"

    The man answers, "191."

    "Wonderful!" says Einstein. "We will talk about the Grand Unification Theory and the mysteries of the universe. We will have much to discuss!"

    Albert then turns to a woman and asks, "What's your IQ?"

    She responds, "123."

    "Ah!" says Albert. "We can discuss politics and current affairs. We, too, have much to discuss!"

    Einstein then notices a third member of the group and again inquires about the man's IQ. This time the answer is "62." The great physicist ponders for a moment, then brightens and says, "GO YANKEES!"
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    A father and son are outside Fenway Park, and the young son is asking his father to buy him a "Yankees Suck" T-shirt. The father hesitates, but finally tells his son, "You can have the shirt if you promise never to say that word."

    "That's right," says the T-shirt vendor, wanting to make the sale. "'Suck' isn't a very nice word."

    "No," replies the father. "I meant the word 'Yankees'."
  16. Bananas
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    GO SOX!!!!!! 1st place is a great place
    The LORD is my rock, my fortress, and my savior; my God is my rock, in whom I find protection. He is my shield, the power that saves me, and my place of safety.-Psalm 18:2
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    I want me some levi R!
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    A little story for you trip:
    When I was 17 I was at a hotel party on december 23, and some friends and I were playing beer battleship. We got pretty trashed and decided to go for a walk, when we left the hotel we noticed an open shed behind a hooters resturant. Inside the shed there was a 6 foot stuff animal lobster. One of my friends grabbed the lobster and started walking out of the shed.Next thing you know a big police spotlight was on us, now picture one kid with a 30 pack of Miller High Life, another with a battleship board game and one more with a giant stuffed lobster. While anyways long story short on christmas eve my parents had to bail me out because I was charged with felony burglary for my friend taking a stuffed animal out of an open shed. For christmas the next morning I had one gift under the tree, a lobster ortiment.

    Any chance for some Reset in this contest?
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  19. Bananas
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    Quote Originally Posted by pmiller383 View Post
    A little story for you trip:
    When I was 17 I was at a hotel party on december 23, and some friends and I were playing beer battleship. We got pretty trashed and decided to go for a walk, when we left the hotel we noticed an open shed behind a hooters resturant. Inside the shed there was a 6 foot stuff animal lobster. One of my friends grabbed the lobster and started walking out of the shed.Next thing you know a big police spotlight was on us, now picture one kid with a 30 pack of Miller High Life, another with a battleship board game and one more with a giant stuffed lobster. While anyways long story short on christmas eve my parents had to bail me out because I was charged with felony burglary for my friend taking a stuffed animal out of an open shed. For christmas the next morning I had one gift under the tree, a lobster ortiment.

    Any chance for some Reset in this contest?
    Hahaha thats rough......this is coming from my personal stash and I don't have an extra Reset-AD at the moment.
    The LORD is my rock, my fortress, and my savior; my God is my rock, in whom I find protection. He is my shield, the power that saves me, and my place of safety.-Psalm 18:2
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    Quote Originally Posted by B5150 View Post
    A family of New York fans headed out one Saturday to shop for the youngest boy's birthday. While in the sports shop the son picks up a Red Sox jersey and says to his older sister, "I've decided to become a Red Sox fan and I would like this Boston jersey for my birthday."

    His big sister is outraged by this and promptly whacks him upside his head and says, "Go talk to mother." Off goes the little lad with the jersey in hand and finds his mother.

    "Mom?"

    "Yes, son?"

    "I've decided I'm going to be a Red Sox fan and I would like this jersey for my birthday."

    The mother is outraged at this, promptly whacks him around the head and says, "Go talk to your father!" Off he goes with the Red Sox jersey in hand and finds his father.

    "Dad?"

    "Yes, son?"

    "I've decided I'm going to be a Red Sox fan and I would like this jersey for my birthday."

    The father is outraged and promptly whacks his son in the back of his head and says, "No son of mine is ever going to be seen in THAT!"

    About half an hour later they're all back in the car and heading towards home. The father turns to his son and says "Son, I hope you've learned something today?"

    The son says, "Yes, Dad, I have."

    "Good son, what is it?"

    The son replies, "I've only been a Red Sox fan for an hour and I already hate you Yankee bastards."
    LOL! I love it!

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    Quote Originally Posted by TripDog View Post
    GO SOX!!!!!! 1st place is a great place
    Yeah son!



    I like the contest trip, nice work!

    BTW - My new avatar is pretty damn funny!

    A goat funneling a beer......PRICELESS!

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    Quote Originally Posted by TripDog View Post
    GO SOX!!!!!! 1st place is a great place
    You know that I was choosing to find the ones that YOU would find funny at the expense of the Yankees.

    I could just post statistics that are quite humorous in and of themselves like:

    New York Yankees
    East Division titles (15)
    AL Pennants (39)
    World Series titles (26)

    But YOU might not find those a humorous as Yankees fans may.

    Two words that could stir some emotion: Bucky Dent

    Now I do remember that the title of the thread was make Trip laugh...not cry. So, back to the O/T

    BTW...I do feel it is only fair, and quite honestly well earned, that those Sox get their time in the sun and in the record books. They are a very good team that has finally come out of the shadow of the Yankees after 80 something years.
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    Bill Murray in Caddyshack as Carl Spackler:

    So I jump ship in Hong Kong and make my way over to Tibet, and I get on as a looper at a course over in the Himalayas. A looper, you know, a caddy, a looper, a jock. So, I tell them I'm a pro jock, and who do you think they give me? The Dalai Lama, himself. Twelfth son of the Lama. The flowing robes, the grace, bald... striking. So, I'm on the first tee with him. I give him the driver. He hauls off and whacks one - big hitter, the Lama - long, into a ten-thousand foot crevasse, right at the base of this glacier. Do you know what the Lama says? Gunga galunga... gunga, gunga-galunga. So we finish the eighteenth and he's gonna stiff me. And I say, "Hey, Lama, hey, how about a little something, you know, for the effort, you know." And he says, "Oh, uh, there won't be any money, but when you die, on your deathbed, you will receive total consciousness." So I got that goin' for me, which is nice.
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    This looks like a nice thread!
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    Yo Trip this is non contest related, but I heard on the news today that Ed McMahon is selling his house, his neighbors include Eddie Van Halen and Gwen Stefani. Just giving you a heads up bro.
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    I think a picture says a thousand words.
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    So last year I went to a very Christian college. Everyone was exactly the same, white, middle-class, and self-righteous. Anywho there were exactly 3 black people at my school. One night we were having the all school talent show and one of the three black girls named Queenetta steps up onto the stage. The sound booth can't seem to get her music right for her performance. They tried and tried, and all the while Queenetta is standing up on the stage just waiting. It was an awkward situation in general. So one of Queenetta's friends decides to scream in a high pitched voice, "Yeah Queenetta!" So I naturally assumed that everyone else was going to join in the yelling of support. My next move was to scream in my loudest flava flav voice, I mean at the top of my lungs, "YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH GGGIIIIIIIIRRRRRLLLLL!" Much to my dismay, not one other person said anything at the same time as me. So I now have an entire auditorium of people staring at me who do not in any way think that something like that is funny. I'm not kidding, every person except for my roommate was staring at me like I was a complete a**hole. That's embarassing.
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    So one night I was in my dorm room sleeping. I woke up and I had to take a leak bad. I was tired and I did not want to get up and walk down the hall to the bathroom. So I decided it would be a good idea to just pee in the nearest bottle, which happened to be a green tea bottle. Also, a couple of hours ago I had taken some vitamins so my pee was a very yellow color. I woke up in the morning with an unbearable thirst and some green tea sounded really good right then. I did not have my contacts in and am blind without them, so I picked up the bottle, which had had time to cool down overnight, grabbed my vitamins, popped them in my mouth and chugged. Three gulps later I new that something was just not right. I swallowed the last gulp and realized what had happened. It was all I could do to not puke up my own piss all over my roommates stuff. True Story.
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    Quote Originally Posted by TripDog View Post
    Hahaha thats rough......this is coming from my personal stash and I don't have an extra Reset-AD at the moment.
    Ill kick in the Reset Ad if its desired I think we have some in stock ATM. -

    Can I win this??????? hhahaha


    A father passing by his teenage daughterís bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was neat and tidy. Then he saw an envelope propped up prominently on the centre of the pillow. It was addressed ďDadĒ.

    With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands:-

    Dear Dad,

    It is with great regret and sorrow that Iím writing you, but Iím leaving home. I had to elope with my new boyfriend Saim because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you.

    Iíve been finding real passion with Saim and he is so nice to me. I know when you meet him youíll like him too - even with all his piercing, tattoos, and motorcycle clothes.

    But itís not only the passion Dad, Iím pregnant and Saim said that he wants me to have the kid and that we can be very happy together. Even though Saim is much older than me (anyway, 42 isnít so old these days is it?), and has no money, really these things shouldnít tand in the way of our relationship, donít you agree? Saim has a great CD collection; he already owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter.

    Itís true he has other girlfriends as well but I know heíll be faithful to me in his own way. He wants to have many more children with me and thatís now one of my dreams too.

    Saim taught me that marijuana doesnít really hurt anyone and heíll be growing it for us and weíll trade it with our friends for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, weíll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Saim can get better; he sure deserves it!!

    Donít worry Dad, Iím 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Someday Iím sure weíll be back to visit so you can get to know your grandchildren.

    Your loving daughter,
    Rosie.

    At the bottom of the page were the letters ďPTOĒ.
    Hands still trembling, her father turned the sheet, and read:

    PS: Dad, none of the above is true. Iím over at the neighborís house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than my report card thatís in my desk centre drawer.

    Please sign it and call when it is safe for me to come home.

    I love you!
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    Quote Originally Posted by Palo Alto Labs View Post
    ...At the bottom of the page were the letters ďPTOĒ.
    Hands still trembling, her father turned the sheet, and read:

    PS: Dad, none of the above is true. Iím over at the neighborís house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than my report card thatís in my desk centre drawer.

    Please sign it and call when it is safe for me to come home.

    I love you!
    This is truly creative! Started off like any father's absolute nightmare. At the end, I am sure any father would be more than happy to sign off that report card with a major relief, regardless of its contents! Great contribution!
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    Quote Originally Posted by B5150 View Post
    You know that I was choosing to find the ones that YOU would find funny at the expense of the Yankees.

    I could just post statistics that are quite humorous in and of themselves like:

    New York Yankees
    East Division titles (15)
    AL Pennants (39)
    World Series titles (26)

    But YOU might not find those a humorous as Yankees fans may.

    Two words that could stir some emotion: Bucky Dent

    Now I do remember that the title of the thread was make Trip laugh...not cry. So, back to the O/T

    BTW...I do feel it is only fair, and quite honestly well earned, that those Sox get their time in the sun and in the record books. They are a very good team that has finally come out of the shadow of the Yankees after 80 something years.
    Bucky F#cking Dent!

    These sox have some serious talent in both the majors and the farm system. I've endured the years of failure, so i'm very much enjoying the success they're having. I must say i enjoy seeing all the yankee frustration.

    You're a good man brian, but i still hate the f*cking yankees with a passion.

    MANNY, MANNY, MANNY, MANNY!!!!

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    Quote Originally Posted by Trauma1 View Post

    You're a good man brian, but i still hate the f*cking yankees with a passion.
    Metallica - Wasting My Hate (live)

    YouTube - Broadcast Yourself.
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    Quote Originally Posted by Palo Alto Labs View Post
    Ill kick in the Reset Ad if its desired I think we have some in stock ATM. -

    Can I win this??????? hhahaha


    A father passing by his teenage daughterís bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was neat and tidy. Then he saw an envelope propped up prominently on the centre of the pillow. It was addressed ďDadĒ.

    With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands:-

    Dear Dad,

    It is with great regret and sorrow that Iím writing you, but Iím leaving home. I had to elope with my new boyfriend Saim because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you.

    Iíve been finding real passion with Saim and he is so nice to me. I know when you meet him youíll like him too - even with all his piercing, tattoos, and motorcycle clothes.

    But itís not only the passion Dad, Iím pregnant and Saim said that he wants me to have the kid and that we can be very happy together. Even though Saim is much older than me (anyway, 42 isnít so old these days is it?), and has no money, really these things shouldnít tand in the way of our relationship, donít you agree? Saim has a great CD collection; he already owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter.

    Itís true he has other girlfriends as well but I know heíll be faithful to me in his own way. He wants to have many more children with me and thatís now one of my dreams too.

    Saim taught me that marijuana doesnít really hurt anyone and heíll be growing it for us and weíll trade it with our friends for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, weíll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Saim can get better; he sure deserves it!!

    Donít worry Dad, Iím 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Someday Iím sure weíll be back to visit so you can get to know your grandchildren.

    Your loving daughter,
    Rosie.

    At the bottom of the page were the letters ďPTOĒ.
    Hands still trembling, her father turned the sheet, and read:

    PS: Dad, none of the above is true. Iím over at the neighborís house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than my report card thatís in my desk centre drawer.

    Please sign it and call when it is safe for me to come home.

    I love you!
    ahahahahaha oh dam.
    The LORD is my rock, my fortress, and my savior; my God is my rock, in whom I find protection. He is my shield, the power that saves me, and my place of safety.-Psalm 18:2
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    Quote Originally Posted by eggplant21 View Post
    So last year I went to a very Christian college. Everyone was exactly the same, white, middle-class, and self-righteous. Anywho there were exactly 3 black people at my school. One night we were having the all school talent show and one of the three black girls named Queenetta steps up onto the stage. The sound booth can't seem to get her music right for her performance. They tried and tried, and all the while Queenetta is standing up on the stage just waiting. It was an awkward situation in general. So one of Queenetta's friends decides to scream in a high pitched voice, "Yeah Queenetta!" So I naturally assumed that everyone else was going to join in the yelling of support. My next move was to scream in my loudest flava flav voice, I mean at the top of my lungs, "YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH GGGIIIIIIIIRRRRRLLLLL!" Much to my dismay, not one other person said anything at the same time as me. So I now have an entire auditorium of people staring at me who do not in any way think that something like that is funny. I'm not kidding, every person except for my roommate was staring at me like I was a complete a**hole. That's embarassing.
    You seem like my kind of people, I would have pissed myself laughing at you if I was there.
    The LORD is my rock, my fortress, and my savior; my God is my rock, in whom I find protection. He is my shield, the power that saves me, and my place of safety.-Psalm 18:2
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    Quote Originally Posted by TripDog View Post
    You seem like my kind of people, I would have pissed myself laughing at you if I was there.
    Dude, no one laughed, at all! I could not believe it. My roommate and I laughed our a**es off for like an hour afterward.
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    If your swimming pool is in the bed of your pickup....... Yooouu might be a Redneck!
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    *cracks knuckles*

    Poop

    The Perfect Dump - Every once in a while, each of us experiences a perfect dump, it's rare, but a thing of beauty in all respects. You sit down expecting the worst, but what you get is a smooth sliding, fartless masterpiece that breaks the water with the splashless grace of an expert diver. But that's not the end of it. You use some toilet tissue only to find that it was totally unnecessary. It makes you feel that all is right with the world and you are in perfect harmony with it.

    The Beer Dump - Talk about nasty dumps. Depending on the dumper's tolerance, the beer dump is the end result of too many beers. it could have been 2 or 22, it doesn't matter. What you get is a sinister, lengthy, noisy dump accompanied by a malevolent fog that could close a bathroom for days.

    The Chili Dump - Hot when it goes in, and rocket fuel when it leaves. The chili dump stays with you all day, making your tush feel like a heat shield.

    The Cable Dump - Long, curly and perfectly formed like 2 feet of E13 telephone CO-axial cable. It loops lazily around the bowl, like a friendly serpent. You wonder admiringly, "DID I DO THAT? Where did it come from?" you leave the bathroom pleased with yourself.

    The Latrine Dump - In case you didn't know, a latrine is a hole in the ground with a tent around it where soldiers, boy scouts and flies go to dump. Tip: Don't ever, ever look in the hole.

    The Mona Lisa Dump - This is the masterpiece of dumps. It's as perfectly formed as it can be. Delicate and slender with intricacies that would make da Vinci weep. And just think, you made it yourself. You may even want to break out the Polaroid, but maybe that's going a bit too far.

    The Empty Roll Dump - You're done...you reach for the toilet paper only to discover that empty cardboard cylinder. A mild panic begins coldly in your throat. You could use the curtains...no, someone would say "Where are the curtains?" Then what would you say? The rug?...too cumbersome. Then you must come to the same conclusion that every "empty roll dumper" must face...Pull up your slacks, tighten your tush and wriggle yourself to the nearest full roll.

    The Splash Back Dump - You send the dump on its way, it drops like a depth charge into the bowl creating a column of cold bowl water that washes your bottom with a startlingly unpleasant shock. Now you're wet and embarrassed.
    Tip: Blot instead of wiping.

    The Aborted Dump - You are in mid-dump when the phone rings. What do you do? ABORT! Pinch it off, go for the phone, and save the rest for later. It isn't pretty, but you've gotta do what you gotta do

    The Caesarian Dump - Pain, that's what this dump and childbirth have in common. Its simply a case of too much dump trying to go through too small a hole, and there's no obstetrician to help.

    The Alfresco Dump - Everyone has had to go outdoors from time to time. This can be a rather pleasant experience really. The open air, the nature, and a good bush all contribute to the peaceful ambiance that our primitive forefathers must have enjoyed. What can screw up this harmonious interlude is a troop of brownies or a patch of poison ivy.

    The Childbirth Dump - This is a dump that is simply too big to go through the aperture provided by nature for the purpose. You sit there, thinking over your dilemma. First it hurts, and it isn't going to get any better. You wonder if you'll ever see your loved ones again. You imagine the newspaper headlines screaming "Man dies trying to hatch monster loaf". You realize you'll have to resolve the crisis before you can leave the bathroom. Basically there are only three things you can do:

    1. Scream
    2. Call an Obstetrician
    3. Hope like hell have enough Vaseline to get you through it.

    The Tijuana Trot Dump - The phrase "Sh*t Happens" really applies here in a big way. When the ice in your tainted margarita makes contact with your lower intestinal tract, the fun begins. For the next 72 hours you'd be better off if you carried your own portable toilet with you because you will spend most of that time on the pot and the rest of the time in a fetal position. Now you realize why Mexico never had a navy.

    The Machine Gun Dump - You're just sitting there in a state of sublime peace when all of a sudden you emit a group of noisy gassy bursts that break the silence like machine gun fire. The guy in the next stall hits the floor like a combat veteran cradling his umbrella like an M16...damn commies.

    The Sound Effect Dump - You feel a noisy one coming on. Relatives, friends or work mates are within earshot, so you must employ some clever techniques to cover the disgusting sounds you are about to emit. Timing is obviously very important here. At the precise moment of release, try the following sound effects:

    1. Flush the toilet
    2. Sing the first two stanzas of your national anthem
    3. Drop a handful of quarters on the floor

    The Security Dump - You have enough on your mind when you're in the bathroom without worrying about a lockless door and someone bursting in to find you in mid-dump mode. So how can you prevent this embarrassing spectacle from taking place? One way is to strategically place your foot against the door. If you can't reach to do this...hum loudly

    The Cling-On Dump - For the most part you've completed your dump, but there's one little morsel that refuses to drop off. You're getting impatient. Someone else wants to use your stall. So, you grip the seat with both hands and wriggle, twist and pump but that last little stubborn piece just hangs there, suspended, clinging like a canned peach between you and the bowl water. Maybe the person pounding impatiently on the door has scissors

    The Houdini Dump - You go, then you stand up to flush, and the darn thing has disappeared. Where'd it go? Did it creep down the pipe? Did you dream the whole thing? Is it lurking out of sight? Should you wipe...maybe you should just to make sure you went. Should you flush? you'd better, because if you don't, you know it will reappear and smile at the next person who comes in

    The Flu Dump - You feel so bad that you don't know which end of you to put down first. You have roaring cramps, so you sit down. Then a wave of nausea rolls over you like a cold fog, so you stand up and cramps squeeze your intestines like a vice so you sit down again...up down up down. Don't you wish Mom were close by?

    The Porta-Pottie Dump - Construction workers and outdoor concert goers will tell you about going in a portable toilet. My best description would be, "Its like taking a shiat in an upright coffin". Its claustrophobic and it smells bad...best advice...go in a paper cup.

    The Proctologist Dump - In the beginning, the lord created the earth, the sky and the firmament, but I hope he didn't create this dump, because there is nothing biblical about it, you run out of gas. That's right, you run out of propulsion. The dump is right there at the end of your barrel and refuses to go any further. You grunt, you squeeze, you wriggle but it just stays there like a lump of lead. You've only got two choices here. One is to squeeze the damn thing back up your intestine and wait until next time. The other is to pretend you're a proctologist and go after it yourself. Not a pretty picture is it??

    The Whole Roll Dump - No matter how much you wipe, it doesn't seem to be enough. You blow the whole roll and you have to flush 25 times too. The whole episode is consumer waste.

    The Graffiti Dump - You flush the dump and the swirling motion of the receding bowl water forces the dump to the porcelain sides, scraping a creative squiggle on its way down. You flush again but the curlicue hangs there...love it or leave it. Its your choice.

    The Encore Dump - Ahhhh, you're done, so you wipe, put yourself together, wash your hands and are about to vacate the bathroom when you feel another dump coming. You have to return for a curtain call. The world's record is seven encores.

    The Born Again Dump - This is a dump that's going so badly, you say "Lord, if I live through this, I'll take up religion" you always get through it, but seldom keep the promise you made in desperation, because a born again dump is like childbirth...you forget the pain quickly.

    /more tomorrow
    "I am legally blind and if I can Squat,deadlift and over all get myself to the gym then anyone can get their a$$ in gear and get strong!!" - malleus25
    WHITE WHALE!
  

  
 

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