I'm in bro.
Let's watch you kill some sh!t!
I need very little introduction. I am an experienced, driven, and off-beat individual that is once again reinventing myself. I have a history of rising to great heights, sabotaging myself, spiralling downward, spending too much time in the trenches and rising from the ashes to come out a stronger version of what I was. My menacing attitude and ignorance have been suppressed to a minimum and I am ready to do things differently this time and focus on a paradoxical regimen. When I say paradoxical, I mean 'strict-flexibility'. My training will be full body HIT, focusing on compound movements for 2 days a week and one day a week will be a slightly longer, higher volume workout that will include intensifiers such as dropsets, supersets, pyramids, etc. I will also be staying active and pursuing basketball, boxing, sprinting, and swimming (ocean).
I have a history of posting the issues that I am having on the message board, as I find it therapeudic to get things out and get feedback. I have been having a bit of an existential crisis and I find that the best way to overcome a parasitic thought of having no purpose, is to set some goals.
I have had a large pitfall which recently gave me a lot of insight on things and I need to not only keep a working log, I need to keep a record of how I am feeling mentally and spiritually as well. I have to let go of regret, guilt, and all the crap that gets in my way of my goals. I have to start being absolutely honest again and maintain it. If I slip up, I will rectify it asap and make amends for it. Funny thing was that I had a 3.5 month period of total honesty and it felt like absolute freedom. I ended up telling a white lie (not my idea) and the guilt of something so petty tore me up inside and kept perpetuating until I found myself reverting to being sneaky, dishonest whenever I saw it would be easier, and such.
I have taken too long of a break from working out (5 weeks) and I do not know where I am as far as strength, endurance, stamina, speed, etc. anymore and when I go to the gym tomorrow I am not going to worry about feeling weak or anything. I am not going to feel insignificant or worthless if I don't always see progress either.
Here is where I was at before I took a break:
I will put aside the weight I WAS doing and focus on what I will be doing NOW. I will post better and more consistent pictures on Monday.
Here's a slight outline of my schedule, training, and supplementation:
1pm: Pre-workout meal
5pm: Largest meal of the day
9pm: Meal low in carbohydrates
1pm: 4 whole eggs, 2 egg whites, 2 pieces of Ezekiel toast with organic fruit spread, mixed berries
5pm: (chicken, steak, or fish), brown rice or quinoa, steamed vegetables with lemon
9pm: (chicken, steak, or fish), salad, fruit (optional)
Once with breakfast:
Chelated zinc (Albion tm)
Chelated selenium (Albion tm)
Chelated Calcium (Albion) and chelated magnesium (Albion) w/ D3
With every meal:
Vitamin C w/ bioflavinoids
Coenzyme B complex
Curcumin w/ bioperine
Standardized pine bark extract
Astaxanthin (Biostin tm)
Standardized hawthorne extract
Grape seed extact (Activin tm)
Carotene complex with pro vitamin A
Creatine (Cre-02 or another good creatine)
I need to purchase the staple supplements except for ubiquinol, coenzymate b complex, vitamin d, vitamin e, and magnesium.
3 caps each
I am taking these products as the AndroDrive I won't go without, ever again. And the AndroMass I have decided to dabble with at a very low dose to provide a little extra oomph and 3 caps is enough for me. The AndroDrive success I've had led me to try this other one and I like that suppression has been shown to be minimal in people who are using it.
I need to figure out my exact workout scheme and record it tomorrow if I can't come up with one soon. It's past my bedtime already and I want to outline my format for each daily observation. I will try to post as often as I can and I will record everything, including mistakes such as unnecessary cheat meals or whatever.
Whomever wants to follow along, I thank you in advance for your support. This will be extremely in depth and quite interesting to say the least. I try to keep things exciting, as it motivates me to keep logging and it provides a more colorful record.
Enjoy the crossfire
I'm in bro.
Let's watch you kill some sh!t!
I'm feeling pretty shotty today from waking up on the wrong side of the bed. I had some crazy wake induced lucid dreams about my family conspiring against me and woke up while still talking and said to myself, "Goddam, I hate my dad. I have issues." I got a message from my ex-girlfriend along with a friend request and it was nice to hear that I am considered to be her first love and while it I am happy that she is getting married, I still find myself frustrated with the past. I treated her as best as I could at the time, but she is another great person that I lost in my life and the regret is hard to just let go when life is difficult right now as it is.
I also ended up looking back at the way I used to behave on the forums and I find it hard to forgive myself for some of the things in the past, but I have to try and let it go.
I am glad that I have started this log, as I do not want to find myself starting something and then quitting. I'd feel like I let myself down and if there's 1 other person who views this thread as some sort of motivation, I don't want to let that person down either.
I'm running 20 minutes behind on making my food, so I'm going to make a lb of ground beef with some fajita seasoning and some rice with vegetables. My appetite is struggling, but.... mind/matter.
Decoded Feedback - Bondage (good lyrics)
Open the place in your soul
Untie your strength
You are not alone
Unmask your courage
See and feel love
Set yourself free
Yesterday's workout was something to get myself back into the swing of things and there was a combination of machines, cables, and dumbells. I felt good during the workout and somewhat strong, but not exactly. I lightened up the weights quite a bit and wanted to just kick-start muscles back from atrophy.
Hammer Strength Incline Press:
3 sets @ 90lbs on each side, 6 reps
Cable Standing Iso Row:
4 sets @ 100lbs, 6-8 reps
Hammer Strength Shoulder Press:
3 sets @ 90lbs each side, 5-6 reps
4 sets @ 240lbs, 12 reps
Biceps DB Curls:
3 sets w/ 45lb DBs, 10 reps
Heart rate was very elevated and appetite was very low for a bit, but this is due to taking insufficient rest periods and not doing resistance training for a while.
Mood today: (Morning) Extremely irritable, but under control. Working on pushing away overwhelming thoughts of negativity. Very pissed off and somewhat hopeless about some things.
Support for fellow GREEN
Subbed! Here to support you brother, now go kill some ****...i mean weights! Lol
Life is cold, short, and brutal
Training log -
Sorry for the major delay with this. I have been under a lot of stress lately and weening off my meds doesn't seem to work right now and upping the dose makes me feel like I am tranqed, but with moments of irregular heart beats. I'm actually tired of fighting and calibrating with dosages and I put together a good combination of medications that will numb out the bad emotions, exaggerate a somewhat false sense of happiness, and allow me to have energy and motivation.
If ya'll are patient, my appointment is tomorrow and I am not at the point in my life where I want to let anyone down, including myself. I have done so by cutting logs short, started a supplement company (and all the feedback was really good) and let that fall to hell, but I will push through with this if it's the last thing I do. Thank you for subbing and please feel free to input or talk about whatever in here. I will be working out on Thursday and Friday and taking the weekend off.
Good luck bro!
Important thing is to work towards the future by doing stuff now. Seems like you're on the right track ;D
hi force of green,
i find many of your posts quite interesting. from what i have gathered, you seem to have problems with motivation and also lethargy and maybe depression? i am not sure. i read your post on androdrive and that it helped you. could you elaborate on it? are you still taking it or has it stopped working for you?
i wasn't sure wether your issues are more physical or mental, but your feeling of guilt about letting yourself or others down is an indicator of depression, isn't it? im not an expert so correct me if wrong.
i have chronic fatigue syndrome, which although different from depression, has many similar symptoms and consequences, one of which is also depression...urgh.
so i am interested in following and seeing what things help you improve your life. i wish you good luck and don't feel guilty, you don't need to prove anything to anyone or yourself. it may sound like a clichee but its important to like yourself. no point in autoagression etc...
How are you? I was going to post up today in here after my workout, but I am glad to hear from you. I feel compelled to write you.
I'm an intense person. I have had much difficulty conveying my emotions in a way that isn't aggressive as opposed to assertive. I over analyze things and it takes a toll on me. What tires me out is myself, most of the time along with certain external stressors. And another problem is that I felt the need to be liked by everyone and conform to what is within the standard deviation of social conformity. I used prescription drugs and sometimes illicit drugs to mask certain feelings that I was having in order to be accepted.
Alongside the daily stressors of just life in general, for the longest time I held onto guilt and regret of past misdeeds due to conditioning. As having a father who is a retired police captain whom carried his authoritative qualities home, I felt a false sense of empathy for being punished emotionally, verbally, and physically and soon enough I became my own judge, jury, my corrections officer, and almost my own executioner (conflicted suicide attempts kept me alive) until one time I finally felt like a failure that couldn't even off myself so I overdosed on benzos, alcohol, and sleeping pills and went for a float in the pool. I guess there's a reason I'm alive.
On a different note in reference to Androdrive... Androdrive has never stopped working for me, so long as I continue taking it. Even if there's underlying depression creeping up on me, I will not allow myself to over-sleep or over eat. I would have to take something like mary-jane to negate the motivation and even at that, it takes a lot to silence the effects of Androdrive. Androdrive has enabled me to continue to be active, even if I choose not to be physically active all the time. I have become intune and more in touch with myself as a result of having too much time to self-reflect. One thing I want to randomly say that is off this topic a bit, is that I have searched and searched and searched about pregnenolone and suppression. Pregnenolone and it's metabolites (yes, including DHEA) are told on the message boards that they can cause suppression, but pregnenolone is NOT suppressive. Androdrive is something that I would recommend for anyone and everyone to take after a certain age when they are noticing a decreased quality of life or as a first line of attack to balance out neurotransmitters. I've taken other preg formulations including creams, sublinguals, capsules, tablets, whatnot and this is superior in every aspect IMO.
My mother has been diagnosed with CFS and although it's a big contraversy in the medical community, I know that something is causing her CFS. I know that my mom has smoked while pregnant with me and I hypothesize that I have the combination of my addictive personality, ADHD, atypical depression, impulsivity, and other dopaminergic related issues at the dopamine receptor D4 7-repeat allele. Dopaminergic agents have a profoundly positive impact on my well-being without many side effects, but of course they are addictive and therefore I can not control their use much at all. Androdrive gives me a sense of different stimulation and has definitely waken me up.
I can understand that Androdrive might not have a noticeable effect on some, as pregnenolone balances out and optimizes neurotransmitter levels. Also, when some keep increasing the dose and notice a 'foggy effect', I know that EVERY rep tells me it's just the benzoflavone. I get that. But TOO MUCH PREGNENOLONE WILL CAUSE AN OVERCOMPENSATION OF NEUROTRANSMITTERS RESULTING IN BRAIN FOG AND DISORIENTATION. My sweet spot has been 3 caps and I've stayed at that and it's worked out ever since.
I will post my workout first thing tomorrow, as I have changed up quite a few things and I'm thinking more outside the box. I'll post up my meals as well.
Redman, I also read your last paragraph again and thank you. I'm learning to drop the guilt and stop picking it back up. I'm also learning that too much focus on bodybuilding, etc. is distracting me from happiness. I can't revolve my life around counting every calorie and keeping everything in check, as I personally would like to pursue other passions. This philosophy is what steered me away from the countless cycles of these effing ridiculous prohormones and steroids and constantly turning my body into a lab rat. An old friend of mine helped me see the error of my ways. At over 40, I don't want to be putting my health in jeopardy by seeing what kind of growth I can get by shooting 1 gram of test a DAY for a few weeks while trying higher than I would try of orals and at the same time getting hammered, smoking cigarettes, loading on multiple stimulants, and trying to find every and any article to justify the horrificly harmful and stupid habits (ex. An article on the benefits of alcohol) and an array of other things. I saw a mirror of myself as an older guy if I didn't stop my habits.
I may use the lowest dose of Andromass, but when it's done it's done. I however will continue Androdrive, because the benefits it has are far too critical. Without it, I'd be lost. I don't put too much merit on chemicals anymore, but I have no problem saying that I am holding onto 1 superior nootropic product with my dear life. I'm in no way affiliated with Primordial Performance, but I have no shame in spreading my success wherever I think is an appropriate place to offer someone beneficial advice.
Hopefully this helps
Great post force of green.
Nice story. Good luck on your journey bro. I'll be watching.
what an incredibly honest reply. thanks a lot for this.
may i ask how your mom is doing and has she found something to improve her quality of life?
i have also been taking a lot of aas simply out of frustration about my condition and thereby at times made it much worse. i have now cut out all toxic steroids and am only using a small amount of testosterone, 2iu hgh which has helped in a few ways, especially improving quality of training without high amounts of steroids thereby not having to deal with those side effects.
on top i take many herbs, vitamins, beta-glucane, ubiquinol etc. and i am already doing much better. nonetheless much better means i can workout (with the help of stimulants, otherwise impossible) around 3 times a week and also do my food shopping and keep my place realitively in order. i can't work or study. my immune system was so bad i would get sick every time i encountered another human being...lol
this is now better but the fatigue is still enormous and it also affects my neurotransmitters giving me neurochemical depression etc.
its also very hard to deal with any kind of mental stress as there is a good deal of mental fatigue and cognitive problems.
i feel the best normally after working out with stimulants, under the circumstance that i dont have flu symptoms at that point, and many hours after my workout. i still feel tired and anxious after the stims but hours later it seems there are increased levels of maybe norepinephrine and dopamine floating around that somehow make my brain function. i can still feel the fatigue but it is masked to a good degree.
the next day i feel worse of course, what is called crashing. at least the crashes only last 1-2 days now as opposed to 4-5.
i dont like taking stimulants outside of a workout context and they are counterproductive in the long run.
it sounds like androdrive could be beneficial to me. i tried wellbutrin but it had a weird effect. it gave me agressive motivation which resulted in anxiety and frustration about my body not being able to follow what my mind wanted to do.
anyway, you had a quite interesting and problematic life, but its great how you have managed to see your conditioning. what i find to be very important is to realize that societies values are simply mental constructs that have no absolute basis. they can be changed around randomly. people do not realize that their ideas and convictions aren't something absolute but an aquired thing. it's kind of like a story we tell ourselves about our lives. the most important thing ist, that you can do what you want and if you dont want to, you dont have to do anything.
this may sound irresponsible, but it doesn't mean that one will not act in a social or empathic way towards others, possibly quite the contrary.
i hope this post makes sense, especially in the morning my brain is not always all that fresh
You may ask whatever you feel like asking. My mom seems to be doing ok, but she has had psoriasis and it's been acting up again. It moved from her head, down into her mouth at one point and I really worried about her. I ran out of medicine this weekend while I was spending time at a girl's and as far as my Librium (longest lasting benzo), Carbatrol (anti-seizure med), and clonidine (blood pressure medication) dosage was concerned, I figured that I could just drink and survive the weekend without withdrawing. I was afraid to let her know about my condition and how fragile it was to keep my dosing consistent, as I was trying to ween off everything. I finally started realizing that all the alcohol wasn't doing me much good so I confessed. And alas, I was given some Klonopin samples and then I was totalled stammered and confused and forgot to call home on Mother's Day. So I called a day later and explained what happened and now my mother won't speak to me. I pray for the revival of whatever light is within my parent's soul, because there seems to be little left.
I am glad that you are down on the dosage of the AAS. I know that the frustration and fear was eating me alive. I was even out of money and begged my friend for more testosterone when I was running low. I promise you that I know the feeling.
I am positive that a good PCT along with a supplemental regimen for hormonal balance (selenium, Tri-Iodine 12.5mg/day, and Androdrive) along with the ubiquinol at high doses (200mg/3x a day) would help you tremendously. The extra iodine allows for better conversion of T4 to T3 and would prevent the pregnenolone from converting to high cortisol levels. Not to keep pimping Primordial Performance, but EndoAmp would also be a great supplement for modulating additional cortisol and improving recovery. Hell, I'd get a cheaper vitamin E supplement, but with Toco-8 I notice improvement to a great extent. Aye, too much pimping and I apologize. I'm just being honest with you.
I can also relate to your stimulant use. Your adrenal system is probably so worn down that you can no longer cope with life's stressors and that's normal. I believe that the entire country is consumed by the fear propaganda and the media's over-abundance of stressing how important image is. These things plagued my life for my existence, minus 48 hours. I came to realize how unimportant the trivial things are. I promise that things will get better.....
Give me time to pack some things up and get ready for the beach today. I haven't slept tonite and I have to be ready in 2 hours... I just wanted you to know that despite the struggles I am coming to terms with and everything that's going on, along with how my workouts seem to not take as much precedence as I'd like and therefore effecting my posts in this thread... I care about what you're going through and have the compassion to help you out. I'll PM you my contact info that you can reach me via text or phone whenever you want to or need to.
I'll post up more when I can. Withdrawing from my medicine has given me some irregular heart beats and sleep issues, but I keep active. I am taking Baclofen (GABA-B agonist) to try and minimize side effects of Librium withdrawal (GABA-A agonist) and I am learning to cope with life without getting scripts from my psychiatrist and it feels damned good. I just have to watch my blood pressure and such. I am the same with Librium as I was with testosterone. The fear got to me worse than the actual physiological effects. I tell myself that I can do this and it gets a little better with practice.
Here's how I thought I'd feel after stopping all AAS...
But the world didn't stop spinning for me... and it won't for you. You have all the support you need.
There's a warzone going on and it's in my brain. No, really. I went for my refill of Librium and CVS and Walgreens are having stocking issues with Librium generic and non-generic. I have rapidly titrated down and have tapered up Baclofen to remedy the withdrawal symptoms. I will copy and paste these exerps from a Baclofen forum that I joined under the name 'Venom'.
I will condense my introduction and my question along with my current plan of action.
I am 29 years old and I'm a psychology grad with a lot of psychopharmacology expertise. I have been on Librium for too long and I no longer have the same appreciation for psychotropic medicine as I once did. I do not judge people for using Rx medicine, but I'm sick of it. After a lot of deliberating during an existential crisis, I have concluded that I would like to feel the full spectrum of emotions as I once did before I dabbled into Western medicine to mask the unwanted issues. I no longer want to take a pill, because I feel nervous before going on a date or speaking in public. The DSM-V should have a few new and exciting changes to it and I think that it will appear as if we all have some kind of disease. Anyways, I don't care to argue or debate with anyone on here nor do I feel like trying to change the opinions of anyone. I humbly ask this community (hopefully my new friends) for your experience with Baclofen and help me with some sort of advice on my plan.
I don't mind taking Carbatrol for now at 300mg/2x a day. I will worry about that later.
I am taking .1 mg of clonidine hcl/2x a day and I will worry about that later as well.
I am down to 15-20mg of Librium/2x a day and I want off. Weening is not something I want to attempt again without assistance. I figure that I can accomplish this with temporary Baclofen 'therapy'.
I have an addictive personality and I do believe in the AAA concept of anxiety-alcohol-addiction, at least in my case.
I do not have the desire to drink, except under circumstances, but would rather learn to deal with these situations through cognitive behavioral therapy and experience. I feel that short term therapy (6 weeks maximum) and some natural adjuncts can aid in controlling withdrawal symptoms. I also believe that if Baclofen replaces Librium, it can at LEAST give my GABA-A receptors a fricken break and that it would be much easier to titrate off of Baclofen.
I have a very large supply of Baclofen with 5 refills and it's way more than I need. I would appreciate input from everyone, as the benzo continuous use is driving me into depression. Thank you.
Thank you guys for posting and helping out. It really is good to have the support. I wasn't sure why I haven't had the thread in my user CP, but I figured I'd just come back and manually search for it.
I know what you're saying about the GABA-A agonism being sufficiently replaced by GABA-B agonism. At this point, my life was becoming agony while on the meds. I feel like my soul wants to break free. For some odd reason, CVS and Walgreens have both said that they've had stocking issues with Librium generics AND non-generics. I said that I could drive to the next county and pick it up, but I took it as a sign from the universe that it wasn't meant to be. I'm doing this alone and I do all I can to keep a positive outlook.
Inside my head it feels like Hercules (Librium) vs. Perseus (baclofen) with the help of an army of l-theanine, 5-htp, taurine, pregnenolone (can enhance GABAergic transmission), and some herbs like ashwagandha. I am taking Carbatrol at 300mg/2x per day as well and that's probably helping a lot. My doctor Rx'ed me 150mg of Librium at one point and I didn't realize that it was making me so fatigued that I was getting depressed. I have been down to 40mg/day and titrated down rapidly due to a few factors and I would rather suffer than take another benzo or psychotropic again.
To be honest, I'd be better if I were at home and had my medicine, but I just ran out and am at my girlfriend's and ran out this morning. I'm stuck without anything until I get home and I have had Librium out of my system after such a low dose for 48 hours +. I could give into the suffering and admit defeat and say that I honestly feel like dog crap, but I keep putting mind/matter and try to think in a very positive manner. I must admit that the slightest bit of anxiety makes me feel like I could collapse and physically I'm a very strong and fit person, especially for being 29 years old. I have the option of taking a Klonopin if things get really bad, but I am just looking on the bright side of things and that I will come out victorious. Death would be a release, but that is not an option.
I'm out of Librium, but can my army hold the fort down while the rest of my brain has the chance to restore order and democracy? Or will this end up like Iraq and when it's all done, there is nothing left but ruin and rubble? It's a war that I signed up for in taking these meds and now I'm responsible for getting out.
In the end, I will make it out on top. I do get good vibes from the support of you guys. Thank you and God bless you.
Physical withdrawal symptoms are apparent, but I am driven and convinced that I can make this. I do need your support as much or more with this as I would with my training and when my body is ready to resume training, I will make sure to tear it up.