Americas Health & Fitness Program

[Hank Vangut]

after sitting at your desk job all day it’s time to get your healthy lifestyle into full throttle. at 5pm head to the gym to battle the crowds.
park your suv as close to the gym entrance as possible. spend extra time circling around the parking lot or waiting on someone to leave to make sure you get the closest spot. but leave your fountain drink in the cup holder. soda drinks just don’t look right in the gym. make sure you ride the escalator to the gym door.

meet up with your overweight personal trainer. the gym is crowded, so wait 10 minutes for a treadmill to open up, then warm up by doing very light walking (your heart rate should not increase during this phase). then move on to a series of exercises that require superhuman catlike balance. example: with 2lb weights in each hand, stand with one foot on a stability ball while placing the other foot over your head…..then start spinning your arms in a helicopter motion while simultaneously squatting with the one leg. make sure to spend a good 15 minutes discussing the proper form and technique with your trainer between each set. talking about exercise really gets you in good shape so just spend the last half hour talking.

out for dinner. “sure, lets get an appetizer, i did work out today – i earned it” “those potato skins or calamari sound good.” for dinner: “i’ll have the kahuna grande platter with a side of sour cream and a dinner salad – ranch dressing on the side please (i feel healthier if i dump it on myself)” “no, i’ll skip desert, i’m trying to lose those stubborn love handles”

home for some r & r. to recover from the hectic day try to remain as inactive as possible for the remainder of the evening. a horizontal position is preferred. tv watching on a sofa is perfect. “oh goodie, our favorite show americas biggest loser is on.” try to take as many snacks as possible to the sofa so you do not have to walk back and forth to the fridge. hey, you worked out today, you earned it!

after you’ve completed a few months of this program (preferably from january 1st through february 30th) you are entitled to say the following: “i’ve been working out and watching what i eat. i just don’t know why the weight isn’t coming off? i’m just genetically unfortunate.” this would be a good time to consult your doctor about gastric bypass surgery.

 

[Hank Vangut]

i wrote this article to be funny but also maybe strike a nerve with some.

i realize that there are some obese people that have a medical condition. however they are extremly rare.

but i feel that the majority of people out there just don’t realize how much hard work it really takes to become fit. this board is great because i see numourous people who have completly transformed themselves with hard work and dedication. i also see others working hard to make these changes.

i guess this article was really intended for the people who don’t come to am.com. it’s intended for the averge american who is overweight and is victim to the standard illusion of what diet and excersise really are.

to be in shape in this country you have to go against the norm. don’t take the escalator just because everyone else is. don’t eat the appatizer just because everyone else is. and this is extremly hard to do when we are surrounded by this every day in everything we do.

if you want to be in shape you have to be comfortable with being a minority in this country. and to do so requires thinking differently, acting differently and being peer-pressure resistent.

 

[matthew76]

Good Post!

I just signed an entire business to train - HUGE contract for me!

One word of advise to those who compalin about knee problems, being to hot outside, or the gym is too packed... Join a gym that has a lap pool and swim! People greatly under estimate the benefits of swimming.

 

[mcour1226]

awesome post! I had to laugh at the end because everything you said is so true of our society.

 

[GuyverX]

hilarious post.. but good summary.
i have a set of barbells and a dumbbell at home and a simple bench...
and it does take dedication and dislcipline to keep fit.
a lot.
and its really hard to refuse the snacks, doughnuts, and sugary stuff people bring to work all the time...
to avoid the fast food when I am running errands or getting of work and am super hungry...
along with having to tell my son no when it comes to junk food.
because if its in the house i may lose disclipline and eat some.

excellent post.