So, funny story from like 5 years ago.
First of all, I should mention I have terrible eye sight. I'm quite far sighted. In fact, faces beyond 10-15 feet away are fuzzy.
I should also mention, I tend to be an optimist. That is, if I see something out of my eye sight and it has long hair and tight clothes, I tend to believe that she's hot. The problem becomes when they come into sight and I realize I was dead wrong...or worse, I was checkin out a dude.
Any how, onto the story.
It was a deload week, sometime in october, and a very rainy day. I went to the gym to ride the recumbent bike and read a Steven King novel for some active recovery. So I threw on a pair of warm up pants and a sweat shirt and headed to the gym. About 3/4 of the way there I realized I forgot to put on underwear. "No worries" I thought to myself, "my boys are in no risk of dumbbells falling on them today."
As I'm on the bike, I see (from a distance) a cute girl wearing a sports bra and biker shorts walking up to the cardio station. So I look up from my bike and smile. However, as she came into view I realized I made a HUGE mistake. It was a cougar...and not a good looking cougar either...but a cougar that should have been made into a living room floor rug 8 years ago. I made the prime mistake of making eye contact with the old hunting cat.
But I made an even bigger mistake. I tried to divert my eyes. I let them slip down in a poor attempt to be smooth. And what did I see? The most massive camel toe known to man kind. This thing was like 2 bananas laid side to side sticking out from her shorts. It was like someone took a massive pretzel, made some nasty tangle out of it and put it in her panties.
But it got worse - like looking at the medusa, I couldn't look away. It was like an additional appendage - but I think it was more than that. I think it was a living being, like Kuato in total recall. And then...it talked to me:
"Open your mind red, open your mind, opppennnn yourrr minddddd"
In what seemed like an eternity in hell, she finally passed by me and got on the elyptical directly behind my bike.
Eventually, I put the incident out of my mind and continued reading. I'm now getting into my novel while riding the bike. In the meantime, and though I did not notice, each rotation was flopping my dolphin against the smooth lining of the pants and directing blood flow to the devious fish. To make matters worse, a sex scene was in the book. Thus, the mental imagery and physical stimulation raised my flag to full staff. To add insult to injury, I had no underwear on to hold it down and my 30 minutes were up, and I was hungry.
What to do? What to do?
The cougar who no doubt suffered through several litters of birth was behind me eying my flesh ravenously. I could feel her eyes burning through the seat of the bike staring at my ass. Luckily, i had my sweat shirt with me. I held my sweat shirt such that it covered my crotch and proceeded to get off the bike. However, as I was swinging my leg over the seat the unthinkable happened; The shirt caught and was torn out of my hand! And there I am, standing at a side profile with a zuccini sticking out of my pants. And to my disbelief, she thought it was for her and smiled a gigantic smile at me. I ran.
But it gets worse. I now had a not-so-secret admirer at the gym. She seemed to find a way to show up everytime I was there. And she followed me around like a puppy dog. And every time I looked up, she bent over, and her camel toe popped out of her shorts and said
"Start the reactor, start the reactor"
Nooo! I will not start the reactor for you!
Br
