An insipid tear welled in my red and bleary eyes as I pondered the fate of man. This menagerie of biological machines, this magnificent creature
that we so thoughtfully designed that haphazardly and blindly lurches down the path of its own evolution - I pity it for what it has become. An engine of its own destruction, seeking not knowledge but lassitude to relieve itself from the pressures and strains of its own existence.
This emissary has seen it all, my brethren, for in my stay on this lowly planet called Earth I sought to find resolution for these finite creatures. Millennia spent, and mostly wasted, sowing the seeds of intelligence, trying to nurture these beings of free will to choose the path of anabolic greatness.
And true a select few have, to my surprise, chosen to walk this rail of muscular abundance. Coalescing in groups knitted together by an interwoven net of electronic communication. These Anabolicly Minded, as I shall refer to them, are the only facet of this race that I would choose to save, given the opportunity. They have impressed me with their impetus to constantly enhance both the physical and mental aspects of their being, achieving great feats of corporeal strength as well as forging new neural pathways through endless research and study.
It is almost as if these Anabolicly Minded were a completely separate subset of this being called man, and hardly bear any resemblance, either physical or mental, to their detestable counterparts. The lax, the corpulent, porcine masses that consume without affliction the precious resources of the planet of which they were given.
Able to weave my way throughout their existence unabated, I have noticed with great trepidation that the people these beings choose for their leaders are not the members of these Anabolicly Minded but, alarmingly, quite the opposite. They are very often the epitome of putrescence, the unabashed hallmark of graft and malfeasance. Through keen observation I have uncovered a grave treachery by this collective governing body to impale the very fabric of its own populace on a lance forged from sheer overindulgence. It is with this information I have conceived this article outlining this great conspiracy of man's own subconscious, and implore you to consider the imminent destruction of this race of harlots, gluttons, and fools.
First in this web of lies and calumniation is the demonization of the macronutrient, the C
arbohydrate. Through mass media proliferation and unintelligible psycho-babble, they have assured their underlings that consuming this bountiful nutrient as their primary source of energy is a sin of unparalleled grievance and calamity. So much, in fact, that an entire industry has spawned from this deception. An entire generation has been convinced that they should be eating pounds of pork fat for breakfast, and that consuming anything resembling a whole grain will bring upon their bodies incomprehensible sheaths of lard. And this they believe, while the truth stares straight into their round and plumpish faces! You think they would learn from their counterparts, the Anabolicly Minded, as an example as they grow every stronger and leaner consuming mass quantities of their precious oatmeal and brown rice! But nay, they forge onward through the endless fields of inflated beguilement, stuffing their mouths full of the filth that will bring about their own demise.
Second in this plot of treachery is the infestation into the diet of millions that vile processed sugar, H
igh Fructose Corn Syrup. Nearly everywhere you go on this planet, every food you attempt to eat, you will be faced with consuming this rancid synthetic creation. Their favorite beverage is filled with it, foods claiming to be healthy for their bodies are laced with it - it is nearly unavoidable to all but the most weary. Not only are their frail human bodies incapable of processing this manufactured food additive, it wrecks havoc on the glucose regulatory system designed by our masters eons ago during the seeding of life on this world. An innocent mistake? Hardly! The chain of profit from this contaminant runs far deeper than even I could imagine! Lifelong consumption of this vile saccharide by the entranced masses results in mysterious diseases, which creates a need for a burgeoning and corrupt industry of pharmaceutical chemicals designed to treat these very afflictions! The masses consume, the masses fall ill, and their corporate masters profit from the defilement of their own brethren! And yet even with this knowledge they happily and shamelessly consume their sodas and their sweets, content in their oblivion while industry thrives. Even worse, the source of this High Fructose Corn syrup is the food-crop corn, which has been proven to be an effective fuel source for the endless amounts of energy these humans require for subsistence. Do they employ this knowledge to alleviate the diminishing resources of their tiny world? No! They continue to rape and destroy themselves and their planet, while happily adding tons of collective fat to their backsides.
The next node of pathos I'd like to discuss is that of E
xcess. Everywhere on this commiserable planet, especially in the country called America, consumption in excess runs rampant. They pile in unnecessary calories day after day and wonder why, after not exercising for years, they gain implausible amounts of fat around their bellies. They use their power of free will not to conserve and protect the planet that they live on, but to absorb and devour every natural resource they can get this opposable thumbs on. It is truly heinous the way these beings treat themselves and their world. You would think they would take notice of the Anabolicly Minded among them, who calculate with great effort their exact caloric requirements and strive
to conform their bodies to the most efficient and powerful state possible. Of course, they do not. It as if they can not. It forces me to hypothesize that they are genetically predisposed to be the shiftless duds of evolutionary failure that I have observed them to be. From the time I’ve spent on this world, I am inclined to believe that this hypothesis is indeed fact.
Their elected counselors are possibly the most abhorrent of the lot. They abuse their power and prey on the naivety of the ignorant masses, searching out that which could make them stronger and spreading fear and falsifications through their media networks. This W
anton Criminalization of Beneficial Supplements is perhaps the greatest atrocity these imbeciles have committed against those who seek to better themselves. Among the Anabolicly Minded there exist great scientists. These brilliant men and women have forged remarkable molecules that, when used within the human body correctly, can cause remarkable gains in strength and muscle tissue for these beings. You'd think people would see this as a positive venture. That the countless hours these heroic individuals spend studying their biology and seeking to augment their genetic limitations would be viewed in a beneficial light. Quite the contrary! Any molecule that is found to be an anabolic aid is quickly criminalized. Why even the sacred herb that we have given them, Cissus Quadragularis, has been viewed by their 'FDA' with skepticism! The very individuals who seek to enhance their being are seen as maniacs and criminals. This is preposterous! It is perhaps for this offence alone that I would seek the complete extinction of this entire species. They allow fools to lead while the strong among them are chastised out of fear and their own subconscious self-loathing.
Yet another offence that I have discovered through careful investigation is that of a disturbing and increasing G
ravitational field around the home world of these verminous humans. I can sense you are perplexed, oh great Vrungonian masters! It is not through an increased speed of rotation of their world, or through some mysterious mechanism of internal planetary workings. No! It is the increasing fat mass of their overbearing population of nearly SEVEN BILLION people. (If you recall, we only designed this planet to support half that many human life forms!). Consider that nearly half their population is overweight by at least 30 kilograms. That is nearly 105 BILLION extra kilograms of weight, or nearly 10,714,285,714 kilograms of pure mass contributing to the gravitational field of the planet Earth. As their rodent-like spawning can only continue, and their every increasing waistlines seem to have no limit - it is my fear the gravitational pull of the earth will supersede that of our wormhole in quadrant X57, making hyperspace travel in this sector of the galaxy impossible. It is also my fear that the increasing ass size of the obese human will one day, after several millennia, implode upon itself and form a black hole
that could devour this entire galaxy! Clearly, this can not be allowed to happen! Swift and immediate action *must* be taken.
Another alarming fact that contributes to this ever-increasing state of lardesqe flux is the seemingly U
nlimited Ignorance of these creatures! It constantly both astounds and disappoints me that these beings of our design simply will not learn from their past mistakes. Through their Excess and ignorance of their own biology they become fat and rotund. Rather than correcting their behavior through determination and will (an asset which only the Anabolicly Minded seem to posess) - they strive
to find the easy path, the path that will lead them again and again to their own state of putrescence. Which brings me to my final grievance against these creatures:
agic Pill. That coveted object of the moronic masses, that which they search for to deliver them from their own dispassion. The magic pill is their 5 simple steps to success, the get rich quick infomercials that plaster their televisions and magazines, that one magic pill that will make them slim, muscular, intelligent, and simply better people that that which they have become. My Vrungonian Lords, you know as well as I do that in life in this harsh universe, there is no Magic Pill. There is only hard work, perseverence, and determination. It is through these 3 principles that all things are won. Be it love or respect, strength or knowledge - nothing in this dimensional plane is free. You must give of yourself to receive back from the force of creation, and through this exchange and this exchange only shall you become that which you strive be.
These humans can not grasp this principle. 5 billion years of evolution and they STILL can not come to terms with the reality of the universe. It is perhaps this sad fact that seals their fate for all eternity. Do we really want these creatures as part of our Galactic Federation? I think not!
While I wholeheartedly agree that the race as a whole is assuredly doomed, I implore you my Lords, to spare the Anabolicly Minded among them. These men and women of Earth have chosen a different path. A path of continual self improvement and despite the mediocrity that surrounds them they always do their best to overcome. It is my opinion that they would make a worthy addition to our Imperial Forces. I’m sure they will be quite pleased at the chemical wonders we have achieved in our millennia of study, and will be more than willing to become more massive and powerful then they could ever imagine. These select few aside, the rest must perish for the good of us all.
It is with these 7 principles of this grand connivance of human decay: Demonization of the C
igh Fructose Corn Syrup, E
anton Criminalization of Beneficial Supplements, an alarming increase in G
ravitational force, U
nlimited Ignorance, and their empty quest for this nonexistent M
agic Pill, that I move for the commencement of their immediate destruction. C.H.E.W. G.U.M, a conspiracy for obesity
in all things. The wayward path of their own design, and the one path that will lead them straight to their own annihilation. Our battle destroyers are at the ready, I only await your command to commence their extinction. Our lives, the universe, the very fabric of this reality, hinges on their fat and blubberous asses melting back into the nuclear fires from which they came.