SAN ANTONIO, TX - The Federal Communications Commission issued a record quarter million dollar fine to NBC for “egregious and graphic oral servicing of the University of Notre Dame” during a live telecast of the U.S. Army All-American Bowl, a prestigious high school all-star game which featured seventy-eight of the nation’s best prep school players. The FCC also recommended recruiting analyst Tom Lemming be waterboarded.
“Preferably with drain water from [Tennessee coach Phil] Fulmer’s shower, but we are in consultation,” FCC chairman Kevin Martin said. “Phil has given his full support. He’s promised that if we need him to, he’d use gravy instead of soap. He actually seemed kind of eager.”
Notre Dame has an exclusive television contract with NBC, giving millions of viewers across the country the ability to tune in to Saturday afternoon games featuring the nation’s greatest football program in the history of the nation and football programs. This is the first time the network has been fined for bobbing on the Catholic institution’s knob during a broadcast, though.
The FCC objected to NBC’s handling of the Army All-American Bowl, particularly the following points:
* pre-game show actually just a DVD copy of Echoes of Glory: The History of Notre Dame Football played on loop
* highly touted Fighting Irish quarterback recruit Jimmy Clausen given veto power over any interceptions thrown
* creative editing which replaced footage of great performances from recruits like USC-bound Chris Galippo and Michigan recruit Ryan Mallett with a montage of Clausen eating Cheerios
* Lemming’s third quarter sacrifice of seven goats to Moloch, the bull headed pagan diety of the Levant and one of the fallen angels under Lucifer, chief adversary of the Judeo-Christian God
* a twelve minute long half time piece on Clausen’s struggle with hair gel addiction
* digital manipulation of mid-game verbal commitments, allowing Notre Dame a record thirty-seven recruits for the 2007 season
* sixteen consecutive minutes of close up footage of Clausen’s right arm
* subliminal messages found to contain slides stating: “We lost only because we’re academically better than you.”
NBC sports chairman D*ck Ebersol apologized for the often graphic smoking of Notre Dame’s pole, though he attempted to mollify officials by noting that, ironically, Notre Dame is French for “Our Lady”.
“So, heh, it’s like NBC was smoking Our Lady’s pole. Which is funny, right?” Ebersol said, gingerly pulling at his collar.
“I am so, so sorry,” Ebersol added.
This is the heaviest fine for on-air cocksmanship since ESPN was slapped with a $45,000 penalty for its saliva drenched coverage of the 2005 USC Trojans.