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DSade's Story Time Preview

dsade

dsade

NutraPlanet Fanatic
I'm going to be posting rough drafts of some of the other stories I have. Some are more polished than others, and I am specifically looking for which of them offers the most interest for you and your kids. These are hefty to contract and publish, so we are looking to do these in order of interest.

RULES: PLEASE do not quote the story in your reply. In addition to making the threads VERY long, I will not leave the stories up indefinitely (due to copyright issues and theft), but will eave each up for a few days then rotate in a new one.

For critiques, please just mention the title, whatever comments/suggestions, and a positive (yes, I liked and would purchase) or negative. We're shooting for eventually having all of these around $5 retail.

Thanks for your continued support of RPN.
 
Story one: "Fort Friendship"




Irwin lived in Chatterwill Forest with his mother and dad. They had a cave over by Havendrell Mountain, by the Drippendare River, where they kept to themselves. Irwin was a happy little guy, as far as dragons go, and loved to play in the forest. He had frog-colored scales, purple wings, and a long green tail and he especially liked to breathe his fire and toast marshmallows.Irwin always tried to have fun. Irwin was a bit lonely, though, as none of the other kids wanted much to do with a dragon. They had read all the terrible stories, even though dragons had long since learned to behave.
Early one Saturday morning, Irwin set off to play in the forest. He spent the morning gathering sticks to build a fort. He lined them all up, and began to stack them, one by one. He pictured the marvelous fort in his head, with stilts and walls and a little window that he would be able to look out. He piled them, stacking them together, and the fort began to take shape. The more the pile of sticks began to look like a fort, the more excited he got. Irwin flapped his wings when he got excited, and as he built faster and faster, he flapped his wings faster and faster. The fort began to tremble and suddenly it blew over.
"Awwww, my fort", cried Irwin, "I accidentally blew it down with my wings."
Irwin shrugged and began stacking the sticks back together again. Again, he saw the fort in his mind, and thought about all the fun he would have. Higher and higher the walls rose. And Irwin got more and more excited, and flapped his wings again.
CRRAASSSHHHH, the walls fell again.
Irwin was not dismayed. He closed his eyes, took a deep breath, and told himself to relax. But everytime he tried to build, and everytime the fort started getting close to being done, Irwin's imagination would start to run wild, and sure enough his wings would flap with excitement and blow down all his hard work.
Irwin had been working all morning and had gotten nowhere. If he could just hold still until he could tie the roof on, then the fort would be stable enough to stand by itself. He could flap his wings and jump inside all he wanted and it would not fall.
"Ok, Irwin", he said to himself "this is it. You need to relax and stop getting so excited before it is time."
And so Irwin began again, and again, and again. Each time he told himself to relax, and each time he could not stand it anymore and flapped his wings, knocking his fort down.
Finally, Irwin got frustrated, closed his eyes and let out a yell.
"Grrrrrrrrrrrrrr", he screamed as the fort was falling once again. And there was no sound.
He was surprised that he didn't hear the sticks crashing to the ground. He opened his eyes and saw charred ashes all over the ground.
"Oh, no", cried Irwin, "I got so angry that I burned up all my sticks. Now how will I ever build my fort?"
Irwin sat down and started to cry.
"What's the matter?' said a voice behind him.
Irwin, startled that someone was talking to him, and not running away from him, turned to see a little skunk standing there.
"Hi", said the skunk "My name is Skippy"
"I'm Irwin" said the little dragon, wiping away his tears.
"How come you are crying?" asked Skippy.
"Well, I have been trying and trying to build this fort all day" said Irwin, " but everytime I almost got done I would get excited and flap my wings and knock it down. Finally I got mad and accidentally breathed fire and burned up all my sticks."
" Well, will you let me play with you and help build the fort?" asked Skippy "For some reason nobody ever wants to play with me."
"Me either", Irwin said, flapping his wings and blowing Skippy over.
"I'm sorry, Skippy" said Irwin quickly, afraid that his new friend would leave.
"It's ok...hey, I have an idea" Skippy said happily.
Skippy and Irwin went through the Forest together gathering armfulls and armfulls of perfect sticks. They stacked the sticks together, one by one, and a fort started taking shape. As they built more and more and higher and higher they both got very excited thinking about all the fun they would have together. They thought about Irwin's wings flapping, and they worried about the fort...but it stood perfectly still. And as they tied the final knot that held the roof onto the fort, they both cried in unison "Yippee!!!" and hugged each other.
"Your idea worked perfectly, Skippy" said Irwin, taking the clothespin off of his wings. The pin had held his wings tightly together, and kept him from knocking down the fort "Wherever did you get this clothespin?"Irwin asked.
"Well," Skippy said, embarrassed, " I carry it around with me, hoping that if someone puts it on their nose then they will play with me. I have carried it around for a long time with no luck...until today"
Then they both looked at each other, Skippy the Skunk and Irwin the Dragon of Chatterwill Forest, then they looked up at the best fort anywhere this side of Havendrell Mountain, near the Drippendare River.
Then they both climbed inside to play - together.

Copyright 2008 Matt Pearson All Rights Reserved
 
bump?
 
would likely purchase if i had kids. good moral to the story, I especially like the part with the clothespin.
 
unfortunately, my kids loose interest with no pictures. they're too young for just words :( . good story though. reminds me of dragon tales for some reason.
 
suncloud said:
unfortunately, my kids loose interest with no pictures. they're too young for just words :( . good story though. reminds me of dragon tales for some reason.
Click to expand...
These WILL be illustrated (same guy that illustrated Russel the Mussel), but since I have so many stories to choose from, and they are quite expensive to publish, I'm looking for feedback on WHICH story I should do next.
 
Story Option 2 - Zane's Space FLight:



Zane felt the rush of liftoff approaching. He always felt the most wonderful feeling deep in his belly when it was time for take-off. Zane braced himself, knowing that he would be scared at first, but that it would soon pass and he would feel incredible. Zane, you see, was an astronaut.
Zane was the youngest astronaut in history. He lived to fly to the stars. He studied and worked very hard to earn his place on board the spaceship. He exercised and got himself in tip-top shape, for space travel was hard on the body. N.A.S.A. had tested him and analyzed him and found him fit for duty. Zane was still just a boy, but he had earned his place alongside the other astronauts.
The crew had a special mission this time. They had to fly out to the new Space Station and install another solar panel. A meteor had knocked the old one off and the crew was stranded. The life-support batteries were running low and there was not much time. Everyone was counting on them to save the Station. And so there they sat: Zane, Captain Mark, and Lieutenant Julie, ready for take-off.
A low rumble began building louder and louder. They braced themselves in their seats as the countdown began. “T minus ten and counting...nine...eight...” said the control tower. Zane took a deep breath and steadied himself. “...two...one...blast-off!!!” Zane barely had time to exhale before the rocket started moving. Slowly at first, then faster and faster, pushing him back into his seat. Zane felt like he weighted 1000 pounds as the force of Gravity fought back against rumbling rocket ships ascent.
There was a small porthole-sized window next to Zane, and he glanced toward it. He caught his reflection looking back at him, a huge smile on his face. Then he saw outside. He could see the whole town of Stantonville dropping away below him, and he felt another thrill. He thought he could make out his house below, growing smaller, with his mom and dad standing there watching and waving. Zane could only laugh excitedly. “Whoopeeeeee” he cried out, unable to restrain himself any longer. The rocket flew higher and higher and he loved everything about it.
Soon, the window grew dark and stars began to appear. He knew that they were in Space. The rocket slowed as they fired the retro-rockets over and over. They came to rest right alongside the Station; another perfect dock.
Captain Mark had done the drill many times in practice. As soon as the rocket ship stopped, he would be in his spacesuit and out the hatch. He pulled on his seat belt and nothing happened. It was stuck. He pulled harder and harder, but it was no use. The seat belt would not budge.
Lieutenant Julie had to keep the rocket ship aligned with the Space Station and could not leave her seat. It was up to Zane. Quick as a flash, he was out of his seat. He put on his little spacesuit and grabbed the solar panel. There was no time to think, only to do. Zane was not afraid. The crew in the Space Station didn't have time for Zane to be afraid. He slipped out the hatch, pulled the wrecked panel away, and bolted on the new one. With only minutes before their oxygen ran out, he plugged in the wires and heard the life support systems hum to life.”Whew” he said, “that was close.”
After the crew had thanked him, he found himself back in his seat. Lieutenant Julie started the rocket back up and they pointed back at Earth.
Zane enjoyed the return flight almost as much as taking off. He felt that excited feeling in his tummy and braced himself again. He looked out the window as Stantonville grew larger. He was smiling again, looking down at his mother and father down below. The rocket fell faster and faster toward the ground until the parachute opened. Then the ship drifted safely to a stop, right at the same spot where they had left.
“Oh Dad” said Zane, grabbing the chains of his swing tightly, “that was the highest ever. Can you push me just one more time before I go and do my homework.”
“Sure, son” said Zane's father, pulling back the swing to launch position.
“Someday, Dad” said Zane, before his father sent him swinging high up in the sky, “someday I will really go into space. I will work hard and study, and fly there for real. Someday”
“I know you will, Zane” said his father, feeling very proud,” Now get ready. T minus ten....nine...eight”
 
Ok, slightly off topic, but..
I bought RTM for my son already. The illustrations were great, the story also, and the wording was good enough. However, I really was disappointed in the overall quality of the book itself. It was more of flyer or brochure handout quality than of book. Infact, I thought at first it was a NP catalogue or advert for some supps when I saw it in the box.

I don't mean to offend with this, I order a lot of RPN stuff, but the book quality wasn't what I expected. Either my son will destroy it or it will get creased and torn from repeated reading. The back page also had what look like print marks when it came off the press, and there was some slight smearing of some of the ink. I hope this is seen as constructive criticism.

Also, I liked the idea of of health theme for RTM and I would buy more books with health/nutrition/fitness related themes.

Sorry for the o/t..
 
slowprogress said:
Ok, slightly off topic, but..
I bought RTM for my son already. The illustrations were great, the story also, and the wording was good enough. However, I really was disappointed in the overall quality of the book itself. It was more of flyer or brochure handout quality than of book. Infact, I thought at first it was a NP catalogue or advert for some supps when I saw it in the box.

I don't mean to offend with this, I order a lot of RPN stuff, but the book quality wasn't what I expected. Either my son will destroy it or it will get creased and torn from repeated reading. The back page also had what look like print marks when it came off the press, and there was some slight smearing of some of the ink. I hope this is seen as constructive criticism.

Also, I liked the idea of of health theme for RTM and I would buy more books with health/nutrition/fitness related themes.

Sorry for the o/t..
Click to expand...
Wow...I'm sorry you were displeased. They actually upgraded the paper to the nice thick glossy, to make sure sticky hands didn't ruin the pages.

Any suggestions, other than harccover, that we could do to improve?

I do have more fitness and diet related stories, but they still need quite a bit of polishing. I like to think that the lessons I try to teach are wide-ranging, and indirectly applicable to an overall better life...I still remember some of the better stories from when I was a kid as well, and they have become almost internalized instant reminders of how to behave and see the world more positively.
 
Really just the actual paper and way the book is made. Even just a card cover would improve it. The pages could be thicker too, but I think a better cover might be all that is needed. That would at least prtect the book from creasing, and the majority of pages if a drink is spilled or something. Everything else I liked.
I know this might make the cost go up though, and I can see the difficulty in selling a childrens book to people who buy supps if it cost too much. It's more of one of those 'gum at the cash register' type of purchases so I am sure price is a big deal when you are designing this. I only spotted it when I was looking through the RPN products list on NP. On the other hand, if a good quality book is produced, you would get more repeat business perhaps.

The books are a really good idea though and I hope you don't mind me letting you know what I thought.

Also, I only say that I am more interested in the health/diet themed books because it is a bit more unique. There are lots of kids books out there but not so many which teach these (healthy eating, importance of fitness) kinds of lessons in a story type way. Again, I hope you don't mind me sharing my thoughts, I like that RPN have more to offer than just creatine and no2 products!
 
The first story would be my choice. I like the friendship and never give up theme. I would add some more colorful descriptions of the fort and surrounding forest maybe? I read to mine all of the time and the more I described soemthing the more they would get into it.

The second story seemed a bit advanced for the age group I was thinking these were aimed for. My opinion for the second story would be to increase the length and turn it into a choose-your-own-adventure type. It really seemed to fit that type of story telling and possibly for a little older age bracket than the first.


Hope that's helpful.
 
Looks like so far votes are for the Dragon story...here's one more choice - sort of abstract, but hopefully teaching the kids that you have one life, it won't go on forever, and the only important thing is staying true to who you want to be.

Ricky the Raincloud

Ricky was a little raincloud. He lived over the ocean with the other little
rainclouds, excited for the day that he would have his chance to rain. Ricky
was the smallest raincloud, but he had a great big heart. “I can't wait to
do a good job” he said to himself.
One day his chance came. All the rainclouds had a meeting and said “The time
has come, the time has come. Let's do our thing” Ricky was excited. He
couldn't wait to be the best raincloud of them all, though he wasn't quite
sure what that meant.
“Let's go Ricky” said all the other rainclouds, and they all flew off
toward the coast. They puffed themselves up huge and black, causing the wind
to howl and the sun to hide away in fear. The people pointed and gawked at
the huge storm coming and ran for shelter. They had ugly looks on their
faces, and were angry at the storm.
The first rainclouds thundered and spit lightning onto the ground, then
they let loose upon the people. A torrent of rain began pounding all the
people and houses, soaking them. It was a magnificent show, but nobody
seemed to want them there. They grumbled and went inside.
“Why don't they want us here?” Ricky asked one of the older clouds.
“Don't ask questions, Ricky...just drop your rain.” he replied.
Ricky tried to get excited, but he couldn't help but feel that there must
be more to being a raincloud than this, so on he flew. “Come on Ricky, do as
we do” they shouted as he flew past, but Ricky kept flying.
As he got to the next town, he was greeted with the same thing. The people
looked up at him and grumbled, then they went inside and shut the doors. “I
don't understand” said Ricky to himself, “if nobody even cares then what is
the point?” And Ricky flew on. Ricky grew lonelier and lonelier the farther
he flew. The other clouds used up all their rain and disappeared. Soon Ricky
was the only one left.
At the next town and the next town, Ricky always found the same grumpy
people with the same grumbling at the sight of him. Ricky was getting tired.
The farther he flew, the harder it got to keep his rain inside. But Ricky
would not give up.
As Ricky passed over one last town, he looked down hopefully. He saw a
little girl and boy come outside and look up at him. He puffed himself up
big and looked down. All at once they both frowned, kicked the dirt, then
went inside. Ricky was so sad. Here he was so excited about being the best
raincloud he could be, and now nobody wanted him around. He passed over the
town, and looked around. There were no towns around for miles and miles-
nothing but a small, dry little farm full of dying crops. Ricky started
crying.
As his tears hit the ground he saw the farmer come out of his little
farmhouse and look up at him. Ricky knew what would come next. The farmer
would curse, or grumble and go inside. But the farmer did not grumble. The
farmer looked up at Ricky and got a big smile on his face.
“What is this?” Ricky asked, feeling more excited than he had ever felt
before. The more Ricky got excited, the more he puffed himself up larger.
The larger he puffed himself up, the bigger the farmer's smile got. Ricky's
tears of sadness soon turned to tears of joy. The farmer let out an excited
“Whoopee!!” as he felt Ricky's tears on his face.
Then Ricky knew why he was there...what his purpose was. He let out a
thunderclap of joy and let loose with all the rain he had been saving.
As the farmer cried with happiness, the farmer's family came out of the
house to see what the noise was. They all looked up at Ricky with that same
look of wonder and excitement. Ricky felt like the most important raincloud
in the world. As he soaked the family, the fields, and all the farmer's
crops, Ricky saw the most amazing sight. He saw the farmer and his family
join hands and dance in the rain, laughing gaily.
Ricky rained with everything he had. He watched the ground turn from a dry,
light-brown crust, to a dark, wet wonderful thing full of life. The worms
popped their heads out of the ground and peeked up at him, smiling. The
birds flew all around him, singing with joy. The lizards lifted their heads
up to drink. Ricky was so delighted.
Finally Ricky's rain was almost gone. He knew that he had saved the
farmer's crops, and he was proud of his patience. As Ricky used his last bit
of rain he thought to himself, “All of my patience, all of my searching,
and all of my hope was worth it...I made someone happy.” And then Ricky the
Raincloud was gone.
The farmer and his family looked at the sky, joined hands, and gave thanks
to the rain for saving them this time.
Out over the ocean, a small cloud was born and began to gather drops of water together.
”I can't wait to do a good job” the new little cloud thought to himself,
excited.

~Matt Pearson
 
The silence is deafening.

I guess the lack of interest explains RTM sales.
 
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