- 06-13-2006, 02:00 PM
1. Fantasizing about her friends, her cousin, her mom, and all of the other women whose hotness is multiplied exponentially by their unavailability.
2. Sitting in the boss's chair when he's gone.
3. Angry Phil Collins: "In the Air Tonight." "I Don't Care Anymore." "Mama." And when you're alone, air drums.
4. Those cheerleading competitions on ESPN2. Go ahead and watch. They want you to. It's . . . Oh! Kay!
5. Binoculars. Neighbors. You do the math.
6. Deep, emotional conversations with your closest buddy. The best part: Once you have one, neither of you will ever mention it again.
7. The "Confessions" page of Cosmopolitan magazine. Your girlfriend's copy, of course.
8. Karaoke. You do it because it makes the girls giggle. But deep down, you know you're better than Mick.
9. Every friggin' word that comes out of Jessica Simpson's pouty li'l mouth.
10. Cotton sheets with a thread count higher than Ted Williams's career batting average. A little knowledge of fabric is nothing to be ashamed of at bedtime.
11. You probably call it something like "scuttlebutt" or "intel." Why not call it what it is: gossip.
12. Warm Krispy Kremes. I mean, good God.
13. Pottery Barn. Restoration Hardware. Pier 1 Imports. You "tolerate" browsing there to mollify your lady--and to trade off a trip to the sports bar afterward--but for weeks you've been eyeing that Persian/Taiwanese rug and the monogrammed barbecue-utensil set. And wouldn't that Amish-made bookcase just kill in your den?
14. Flexing your fingers on the steering wheel. Waiting. Revving. Then blowing the poor sap next to you off the line.
16. A cheeky chardonnay.
17. Picking scabs, popping zits, and giving that mosquito bite one good scratch before vowing never to touch it again.
18. Movies like Old School that make you think, If only . . .
19. Saturday-morning reruns. Saved by the Bell (TBS) leading into a couple of 90210s (FX) fills your Tiffani Thiessen quota and is good hangover therapy.
20. Even better hangover therapy: the Kevin Costner triptych of Waterworld, Wyatt Earp, and Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves.
21. Googling yourself.
22. Kelly Ripa. It ain't her talk-show chops. Maybe it's how she and Faith Ford smeared chocolate over each other. Maybe it's her domineering hotness. But it's definitely something.
23. Your filthiest, most psychotic erotic fantasy--the one that's either too dark, too dirty, or too illegal to mention. Don't worry. Every guy has one
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