How to deal with libido/ED issues with SO's?

[steve999]

I'm wondering how others have dealt with testosterone related libido and ED issues when it comes to girlfriends and wives, or maybe boyfriends and domestic-partners for those who swing the other way?

My girlfriend of about a year dumped me a few weeks ago because she didn't feel "connected" to me. I don't think she would want to admit it to herself, but I think the root cause was my testosterone problem with resulting ED/libido issues. I was really open in communicating with what I was doing for treatment, drug options (including Viagra, Cialis, etc.) but she was clearly very frustrated at the state of things, and I think somewhat freaked out that I need take drugs at age 40 to maintain a normal lifestyle.

I think I'm better off flying solo right now so I can focus on getting healthy and minimize stress factors outside of work, but I'm wondering how and when I should bring up the "I'm not a diabetic or heroin addict, but those syringes are in the bathroom for a reason" discussion in future relationships? I started treatment while dating my last girlfriend, so that was a different situation than I'll have to deal with in the future.

 

[RenegadeRows]

I'm sorry to hear about your breakup.

I would say explain to any potential new girlfriend's your situation, in an honest and open fashion. If they're not understanding of your situation, that is someone that I personally would not want around me anyway.

On a side note, low dose cialis can be very beneficial in the bedroom, and may help your situation.

 

[steve999]

I would say explain to any potential new girlfriend's your situation, in an honest and open fashion. If they're not understanding of your situation, that is someone that I personally would not want around me anyway.

Yeah, given the lack of understanding by my last girlfriend, the breakup wasn't particularly difficult for me.

 

[nycjimi]

I guess I'm blessed. I was open from the start and no worries from the significant other. I'm mid 40's and it's been a problem I've worked on for 7 years. Been to the best doc's and they are all stumped. Learn what she likes in bed other than your **** and make sure she leaves with a smile. As Ron Jeremy said "I've gotten a hell of a lot more girls off with my tongue than my ****."

 

[engival]

I think somewhat freaked out that I need take drugs at age 40 to maintain a normal lifestyle

haaa and im only 25

 

[DrtyDiverDave]

It's very, very difficult.

I have a built-in excuse with my wife - I had a Brain Tumor. What is she going to do, get pissed at me? She's just happy that she still has a husband and our kids have a dad.

But the hardest thing (that's not intended as a pun, but I already used the word "difficult") is what I call the "anticipation of failure" that both partners can have.

When I didn't have any Libido, I didn't worry about that much because...well...I just didn't give a s**t. I was happy as a clam working on my computer in the evening, or watching t.v.

THAT needed to get fixed, as my wife pointed out, which led to the brain tumor diagnosis (see my post on it in this forum). Once the brain tumor was gone, I had to get myself hormonally squared away.

First thing to come back for me with Testosterone therapy was the Libido. Man-o-man did it come back...

But "wood" was another story. It's like nobody told the Crane Operator that it was time to go to work, but the whole crew was raring to go.

At first, my wife was o.k. with this - after all, I'm still recovering, etc... But after a couple three months of this, I could see disappointment in her eyes when it happened. So, I went back to the Blue Pill, which does it's job most of the time.

The problem, as I see it, is we all remember what it was like to have one of those "marathon boners" that we used to abuse our girlfriends with when we were young. Every man likes to think he can spring into action at a moments notice, especially when he has an enthusiastic partner. The "anticipation of failure" robs us of that confidence, and in itself can become the root cause of the failure, leaving us to feel weak and stupid.

I've had times in the last few months where it's ripping my pants to get out, only once I bring "him" into service, the second I wonder if I'm going to be able to keep it up - poof - it goes away.

Other times, I'm feeling just fine, and all is well down below, but I see my wife looking up with that "are you going to be able to finish me off with this" look and - poof - it goes away. A self-fulfilling prophesy...


Have I learned anything from this? No. Not really. I like to think that I'll figure this out, and it'll all get better by itself, but if I've learned anything from reading posts on this excellent site (AM), it's that you need to work at getting yourself better. That is why I'm listening to others and trying some of their suggestions. I'm working with a doctor who seems to be willing to listen to me - but the moment I suspect that that is changing, I'll get another doctor.

Work on getting your libido back, then hopefully your ED will go away too - if not, then start working on that like I am.

Good luck, man.

Dave.

 

[crader]

I have to say Daves post contained some good advice and insight.

The mental part of not feeling attractive to your partner is the hard part. So you need to just sit the next one down when the time is right and be totally honest with her. If she is right for you there should be no issues.

 

[steve999]

Despite the fact that I was very open/honest about my medical problems with my last girlfriend, she required constant re-assurance that I thought she was attractive/sexy/desirable when problems occurred. She's an intelligent person and has been working in the medical device industry for a number of years, but in many ways she just didn't get it - - - and I don't think she really listened when I described what was going on, nor did she bother educating herself about the issues. My guess is she has some deep rooted self-esteem / image issues, and my medical problems made her feel worse about herself. I don't know why she would have self-esteem issues though as she was an attractive girl.

 

[EasyEJL]

I don't know why she would have self-esteem issues though as she was an attractive girl.

but even tho she was an attractive girl, probably in her high school / college / etc she wasn't ever the prettiEST girl, so thats where the self esteem issues come from.

Its kind of funny for me, i've only ever used cialis/viagra/aspire36 recreationally. Even with effectively a 0 testosterone level I still had enough desire to want some, and was always able to (I guess thru mind over matter) make it work. Probably it was the long bout of alchoholism and the issues that plays with erections that got me to where I learned the mental tricks to make it work.

 

[K1212]

girls dont like guys with ED problems, it is the male equivalent of a girl who is fat and disgusting

It is just a sad reality of life we have to face, I am unable to accept it as I kind of groomed my personality to be a dominant male and I knew I could have got pretty much any girl on the planet, now I am pretty much at the bottom of the charts and would have to settle for some fat disgusting girl because that is what I am

It is just a sad reality of life, maybe you are in denial, if your girlfriend was in a car accident and was severly burned and lost her looks or she gained 150 pounds would you still like her? That is the equivalent of what we are to girls

And girls like guys who are REAL, any girl will tell you this, any guy who has to take a supplement to get their thing going isnt real, again I dont say this to be a prick, I am just saying this as reality, we are now the fat disgusting girls and there is nothing we can do

 

[steve999]

When I didn't have any Libido, I didn't worry about that much because...well...I just didn't give a s**t. I was happy as a clam working on my computer in the evening, or watching t.v.

There's one silver lining to libido issues for a single guy - - - choice in partners can be driven more by the brain than the trouser snake.

The "anticipation of failure" robs us of that confidence, and in itself can become the root cause of the failure, leaving us to feel weak and stupid.

Other times, I'm feeling just fine, and all is well down below, but I see my wife looking up with that "are you going to be able to finish me off with this" look and - poof - it goes away. A self-fulfilling prophesy...

I don't think I've ever felt weak and stupid. More frustrated and annoyed that my body isn't working like it should. Exhibited frustration/annoyance by a partner definitely adds unecessary pressure to the situation.

 

[steve999]

girls dont like guys with ED problems, it is the male equivalent of a girl who is fat and disgusting . . . if your girlfriend was in a car accident and was severly burned and lost her looks or she gained 150 pounds would you still like her?

Have you considered talking to a therapist? And I don't mean that in a bad way.

Each person in a relationship is responsible for their own happiness. All prospective partners have pros and cons. Everyone has to decide, on balance, what they're willing to deal with. I would think that most women would rather have a partner with ED problems than a partner who was prone to cheating, physical/mental abuse, etc.

 

[K1212]

Have you considered talking to a therapist? And I don't mean that in a bad way.

Each person in a relationship is responsible for their own happiness. All prospective partners have pros and cons. Everyone has to decide, on balance, what they're willing to deal with. I would think that most women would rather have a partner with ED problems than a partner who was prone to cheating, physical/mental abuse, etc.

truthfully I dont think so, I think a girl who was with a guy who was abusive might be with them in the hope that they change while a guy who has a medical problem where their thing doesnt work basically defeats the purpose of being a man


as I said this really is the male equivalent of being an ugly girl, would you rather have a fat disgusting girl who was nice or a pretty girl who was a bitch, that is the equivalent of what we are to women, just something we gotta accept or hope gets better somehow, and drugs dont really do much as far as the women liking you, infact I think women like you less if you need drugs or a outside source to get your thing going

women and men think differently, when women say they would like a nice guy over a mean guy that is true, now throw in that nice guy who has ed problems they will take the mean one

 

[crader]

truthfully I dont think so, I think a girl who was with a guy who was abusive might be with them in the hope that they change while a guy who has a medical problem where their thing doesnt work basically defeats the purpose of being a man


as I said this really is the male equivalent of being an ugly girl, would you rather have a fat disgusting girl who was nice or a pretty girl who was a bitch, that is the equivalent of what we are to women, just something we gotta accept or hope gets better somehow, and drugs dont really do much as far as the women liking you, infact I think women like you less if you need drugs or a outside source to get your thing going

women and men think differently, when women say they would like a nice guy over a mean guy that is true, now throw in that nice guy who has ed problems they will take the mean one

Wow you are so wrong on that one!

For one the ED is not something that can never be fixed, for 2 believe it or not your **** is not the only device you have in the bedroom. As long as you are not throwing a tantrum because you cant stay hard, it really is something that can be worked on.

And no we don't see men that actually do something to fix their problems as less than a man. Many people have medical issues that need treatment, this is just a small aspect of the human body that can get thrown out of whack. It can put a strain on things after awhile but it can be worked out and gasp..even change for the better down the road.

 

[EasyEJL]

truthfully I dont think so, I think a girl who was with a guy who was abusive might be with them in the hope that they change while a guy who has a medical problem where their thing doesnt work basically defeats the purpose of being a man


as I said this really is the male equivalent of being an ugly girl, would you rather have a fat disgusting girl who was nice or a pretty girl who was a bitch, that is the equivalent of what we are to women, just something we gotta accept or hope gets better somehow, and drugs dont really do much as far as the women liking you, infact I think women like you less if you need drugs or a outside source to get your thing going

women and men think differently, when women say they would like a nice guy over a mean guy that is true, now throw in that nice guy who has ed problems they will take the mean one

All I can say is I feel sorry for you if this is the way you think it is, as you obviously have only ever interacted with some horrible shallow women.

 

[engival]

as long as you go down on a girl or use a toy on them i donk think they would care if u really had ED

theres alot of whores out there, its hard find a good girl these days.

most of the women i know are brain washed by tv into being whores and are convinced of living a lifestlye based on looks and materialistic possessions.

 

[DrtyDiverDave]

Despite the fact that I was very open/honest about my medical problems with my last girlfriend, she required constant re-assurance that I thought she was attractive/sexy/desirable when problems occurred. She's an intelligent person and has been working in the medical device industry for a number of years, but in many ways she just didn't get it - - - and I don't think she really listened when I described what was going on, nor did she bother educating herself about the issues. My guess is she has some deep rooted self-esteem / image issues, and my medical problems made her feel worse about herself. I don't know why she would have self-esteem issues though as she was an attractive girl.

Steve,

Before we found out that my Libido issues were due to a huge brain tumor, my wife went through Hell. She started talking to me about wanting to get a boob job and a tummy tuck, etc, which was fine with me if it made her feel better... But the real problem was that she thought that I had lost interest in her because she didn't look like she did when she was 20 (and she was only 32 when she was feeling this way!).

I thought she looked just fine (she still does!) but it was my lack of attention which made her start to feel worthless. She didn't get the plastic surgery (though she says still reserves the right to...).

This is another point that I think is missed - hormonal issues, like mine, wind up leaving both partners damaged. For me, the damage was mostly physical - you DO NOT want to have brain surgery, trust me. Vomiting gallons of blood, thinking you're going to have a stroke any second, being afraid before you go to sleep that you may die, but feeling so crummy that you almost wish you would, etc. But my wife was damaged emotionally from the whole experience.

My tumor went undiagnosed for YEARS thanks to a lousy G.P. who missed every signal that something wasn't right with me, so my wife had to endure a very long period where her self-esteem was slowly eroded. Then, she got to worry that her husband was going to die and leave her with two small children, followed by a husband who was healed with surgery, but still having performance issues.

Of course, now she has to contend with a 51 year old who acts like a 17 year old, so the traumatization continues... :laugh:

We had to learn to TALK much more intimately than we had in the past about sex. We used to just let it happen, and it happened so often and happened so well that there wasn't much to talk about. I had to explain to her how men "work" that just seeing a naked lady doesn't necessarily mean instant performance, and (more importantly) that I actually did need to be intimate - not just banging away - that it felt good to be close.


I'm no expert when it comes to human relations, all I can do is be brutally honest and tell you what we've been trying to do, but I think that most women, if they are genuine, would be understanding of what you are going through.

And if a woman only wants a guy for sex, then she should join the "Cougar Club" and go get herself a 19 year old... :laugh:

Later,

Dave.

 

[mattmuscle]

As someone who does "swing the other way", my partner did not understand my ED issues at all. I don't think he really ever experienced erection problems in his entire life.
My floppy wang was just as much a problem for him as it would have been for any girl NEW to the problem. It just took time and education for him to realise it is an issue we cant control and not an indication of how we feel about them.

So its unfair to give women a bad rep on this matter. Guys can be just as bad at understanding the problem in a relationship.

It just comes down to how understanding the "person" is and if they are ultimately the right partner for you.

 

[The Matrix]

I guess I'm blessed. I was open from the start and no worries from the significant other. I'm mid 40's and it's been a problem I've worked on for 7 years. Been to the best doc's and they are all stumped. Learn what she likes in bed other than your **** and make sure she leaves with a smile. As Ron Jeremy said "I've gotten a hell of a lot more girls off with my tongue than my ****."

Jimi, I know some one always looking for a challenge. One guy that has had depression for several years issues where resolved simple by taking the time to examing his diet to find out that he was poisoning himself with toxins. Once where removed his depression began to clear and felt like his old self again. This is a slow and tedious process takes alot of commitment on part of the client.