How Do Morals Play Into Your Relationship?

[Mulletsoldier]

Kind of what the title says. I'll give an example though.

If you were were a staunch atheist and pro-choice, and a girl was very religious and 'pro-life' [I hate the term pro-life by the way, it implies people who want women to choose are 'anti-life'..lol] would you end a relationship on that basis?

Or conversely, do you seek out people with similar morality?

 

[EasyEJL]

Well, morality and religion although somewhat overlapping are not necessarily correlated It is always more sensible to seek out people with similar moral codes, as it will create lower conflict levels over time

 

[PumpingIron]

Currently I'm currently seeing a girl who is ultra conservative. And with myself being moderate to left, we clash on just about everything.

I see it as being fun. If you have a good stream of communication, and neither of you get too worked up over the subjects, it could work out to be some very good banter.

Take your example, for example , I am pro-choice, she's pro-life. We've been back and forth on the issue and I seemingly am not going to be able to sway her view and she won't be able to change mine, but that's okay. The thing about my views on that subject though is that I have no right to tell you what to do with your body, but I would personally never have my child aborted, no matter what...

...maybe that was a bad example.

But, i guess to answer your question, I don't do either. I've been in relationships with both (similar and opposite) and they were all sucessful on that level.

 

[Jayhawkk]

I've beenin this situation and to me it was doable...to a point. Introduce children into the equation and you start to have real issues. I really think that most people's beliefs are very malleable and in that case a relationship can work. If you're polar opposites and neither yield to the other's beliefs; you won't make it.

 

[dsade]

Currently I'm currently seeing a girl who is ultra conservative. And with myself being moderate to left, we clash on just about everything.

I see it as being fun. If you have a good stream of communication, and neither of you get too worked up over the subjects, it could work out to be some very good banter.

Take your example, for example , I am pro-choice, she's pro-life. We've been back and forth on the issue and I seemingly am not going to be able to sway her view and she won't be able to change mine, but that's okay. The thing about my views on that subject though is that I have no right to tell you what to do with your body, but I would personally never have my child aborted, no matter what...

...maybe that was a bad example.

But, i guess to answer your question, I don't do either. I've been in relationships with both (similar and opposite) and they were all sucessful on that level.

It seems fun until you actually get serious about a person, then those differences can destroy the whole thing.

What do you do if she get's pregnant (accidents happen) and aborts the child? When moral codes are tested, those that do not live up to ours are hated.

I assume that YOU feel that you came to hold your own moral code through a rigorous method of reasoning, and that it seems the only acceptable way to act (abortion, for example...you have no problem at all with someone willing and able to abort a fetus?)...therefore, those that come to hold very differing views (who also probably feel the same way about their process of reasoning) must have something messed up in their reasoning ability, no? Where does communication go from there?

 

[PumpingIron]

It seems fun until you actually get serious about a person, then those differences can destroy the whole thing.

What do you do if she get's pregnant (accidents happen) and aborts the child? When moral codes are tested, those that do not live up to ours are hated.

I assume that YOU feel that you came to hold your own moral code through a rigorous method of reasoning, and that it seems the only acceptable way to act (abortion, for example...you have no problem at all with someone willing and able to abort a fetus?)...therefore, those that come to hold very differing views (who also probably feel the same way about their process of reasoning) must have something messed up in their reasoning ability, no? Where does communication go from there?

If she was to abort my child, you'd end up with a nationally televised court case.

It's not that I don't have a problem with others aborting a fetus, it's that I feel I should have no say over what anyone else does with their body.

 

[Rodja]

It seems fun until you actually get serious about a person, then those differences can destroy the whole thing.

This is what happened to me. I thought that, despite our differences, everything was fine. However, beneath the surface, there was more than I anticipated and the differences where the cause of the relationship. It was the first time that I had ever seriously dated someone with a completely different theology and I can see how it can work and also how it cannot work. We are still really good friends, but, at this moment, things just don't seem like they will work out.

 

[PumpingIron]

seems as though my thought on the idea that having different moral/ethical/political/religious ideals, can work is the minority, huh?

 

[EasyEJL]

If she was to abort my child, you'd end up with a nationally televised court case.

It's not that I don't have a problem with others aborting a fetus, it's that I feel I should have no say over what anyone else does with their body.

Except if 1 sperm cell of the billions you've spread all over the place happened to hit an egg in that particular girls body?

the visual of billions of sperm is horrifying really

 

[PumpingIron]

Except if 1 sperm cell of the billions you've spread all over the place happened to hit an egg in that particular girls body?

the visual of billions of sperm is horrifying really

huh? :blink:

 

[EasyEJL]

seems as though my thought on the idea that having different moral/ethical/political/religious ideals, can work is the minority, huh?

it can work, but its sort of like purposefully starting off with a handicap. Its much easier to follow the path together if you both are looking in the same direction...

 

[Jayhawkk]

It usually will not work, no. There's a big difference between having different music tastes and different religious standpoints. etc.

 

[Rodja]

seems as though my thought on the idea that having different moral/ethical/political/religious ideals, can work is the minority, huh?

I believe it can work, but it depends how their beliefs play into their lives. For example, if you have a different theology from your GF/Wife, but it is not a major part of your life, then it can easily work.

 

[EasyEJL]

huh? :blink:

well, you said "it's that I feel I should have no say over what anyone else does with their body." and also said "If she was to abort my child, you'd end up with a nationally televised court case."

if you should have no say over what someone else does with their body, why would there be a court case over her having an abortion on her body?

 

[Dr Packenwood]

Kind of what the title says. I'll give an example though.

If you were were a staunch atheist and pro-choice, and a girl was very religious and 'pro-life' [I hate the term pro-life by the way, it implies people who want women to choose are 'anti-life'..lol] would you end a relationship on that basis?

Or conversely, do you seek out people with similar morality?

I wouldn't end the relationship based on that...because there wouldn't be one to begin with.

First and foremost for me are similarities in thinking. Looks bring us together, the mind keeps us there.

If she's smokin hot but has such radically different points of view(s) on things (drugs, fidelity, religion, etc) I won't negotiate on I will NOT ask her to change her point of view, and I will NOT change mine. I'd simply move on.

 

[Irish Cannon]

I've beenin this situation and to me it was doable...to a point. Introduce children into the equation and you start to have real issues. I really think that most people's beliefs are very malleable and in that case a relationship can work. If you're polar opposites and neither yield to the other's beliefs; you won't make it.

This is such the truth. How can you raise children with such a strong moral difference in your relationship? When she spends time with the kids, they will get one viewpoint, and when they spend time with you, they will get another. You MUST see eye to eye on important issues.

I think when people say "opposites attract" they don't mean on issues like this, but moreso stuff involving personality traits; such as, you may be quiet, but she may be very social.

And to Mullet, why would the term pro-life be wrong? That's exactly what it is. They are protecting the sanctity of life.

 

[EasyEJL]

I think when people say "opposites attract" they don't mean on issues like this, but moreso stuff involving personality traits; such as, you may be quiet, but she may be very social.

I think it applies even here. A heightened excitement is higher passion. Its just like the old saying "Bad press is as good as good press, its just getting in the paper thats important". Higher excitement is higher excitement

 

[Jayhawkk]

I don't think so. It may sound good on a fortune cookie but in reality it leads to a lot of anger, fighting and splits.

 

[EasyEJL]

I didn't say it was good just higher excitement. A movie theater on fire is full of excitement too.

 

[Mulletsoldier]

A guy leaves and his thread blows up.

I think it can work, depending on two variables:

a) The saliency of the issues within the relationship
b) How the morals guide her conduct toward you.

I am currently in this position, and share PI's view on things. I share this view because I just got out of a two and a half year relationship in which our moral imperatives were very similar, and realized this does not a good relationship make.

My GF is very religious, but, and this is the key, she is very personally religious. She knows I hate the institution of religion [not necessarily Jesus or people whom follow Christianity, just the social institution] and has never once said she wishes I was different, asked me to goto church [she doesn't even attend], imposed her values on me, or told me my values are wrong. Neither are wrong, or right in our relationship; rather, we both accept that we are different.

Another important note, is that her religion and the entirety of her moral imperatives are not in an intrinsic relationship [as Easy stated]. She often despises viewpoints commonly held in religion, but still has a very strong faith in her god.

She treats me amazing, and is utterly accepting of who I am. And the key here, I believe, is that I do impose my morals on her and nor hers on mine. They may be our ideologies, but they do not comprise our 'selves' entirely.

 

[Mulletsoldier]

To Irish, I despise the term because it attempts to confer a universal value upon those whom are 'pro-choice' of being 'anti-life' [as if those who support a very situational choice are somehow anti-life in every situation].

Though I do not wish to engage in this discussion in this thread, as it is irrelevant.

 

[Jayhawkk]

Which can work until children are involved and those differences are harder to leave when you're wanting to raise the children the way you believe. Big difference when it's just the two of you.

 

[Mulletsoldier]

Which can work until children are involved and those differences are harder to leave when you're wanting to raise the children the way you believe. Big difference when it's just the two of you.

That's what I am saying though. Our differing morals interplay as it pertains to our conduct with other people, not just each other.

We have actually discussed the very issue you are raising, because I am done fvcking around with women. I voiced the exact same concern you are, and found that the way in which we would wish to raise our child are very similar [if it were to occur].

Interestingly enough, when I said I wouldn't want to forcibly impart religious values on the child, she said neither would she. Equal opportunity exposure, and if it really bothered me she'd concede that and he'd/she'd be given a secular choice until he/she was more well informed.

 

[PumpingIron]

well, you said "it's that I feel I should have no say over what anyone else does with their body." and also said "If she was to abort my child, you'd end up with a nationally televised court case."

if you should have no say over what someone else does with their body, why would there be a court case over her having an abortion on her body?

I understand. I guess in this case, I believe that what is happening with her body is partly mine.

 

[Jayhawkk]

You know where our differences came out? When my daughter became a teenager. Things like when to date, wear make-up, get piercings. Punishments were also a big thing. Spank, ground-how long do you ground? When you take things away is there a point to not give them back?

There's a 100 situations that have showed its ugly head in my 11 year marriage (which ended) and believe it or not; the straw that broke the camel's back was over her insecurites of previous relationships that she just couldn't get over.

 

[Mulletsoldier]

I would add to my above choice discussing having children and having children are very, very different animals. I know this.

I also realize I am yet very young, and do not pretend to be a relationship guru. However, with that being said, I am not going to self-defeat my own opinions solely based on my age.

 

[Jayhawkk]

Went off topic but my point is how sometimes, even the things you talk and agree about now may change down the road and not always in a good way. This is especially the case for relationships formed when they are young. However, I believe staying open and honest with yourself first is key to making these things last (which I didn't do)

 

[Mulletsoldier]

You know where our differences came out? When my daughter became a teenager. Things like when to date, wear make-up, get piercings. Punishments were also a big thing. Spank, ground-how long do you ground? When you take things away is there a point to not give them back?

There's a 100 situations that have showed its ugly head in my 11 year marriage (which ended) and believe it or not; the straw that broke the camel's back was over her insecurites of previous relationships that she just couldn't get over.

I believe you in your assessment. Well, obviously, it is your life.

However, it seems like your differences simply revealed as opposed to invoking a divide in your relationship. Maybe your marriage was doomed already, and the moral differences were just means to an end?

 

[Mulletsoldier]

Went off topic but my point is how sometimes, even the things you talk and agree about now may change down the road and not always in a good way. This is especially the case for relationships formed when they are young. However, I believe staying open and honest with yourself first is key to making these things last (which I didn't do)

I would add to my above choice discussing having children and having children are very, very different animals. I know this.

I also realize I am yet very young, and do not pretend to be a relationship guru. However, with that being said, I am not going to self-defeat my own opinions solely based on my age.

I know.

 

[Jayhawkk]

Shut up!