Need some serious advice

[KingMeso]

I don't know what the fcuk is going on with me lately. Here a short story.

Currently with girl for a little less than 3 months. Things are really good (usually are at first cause everything is new).

Then there's an ex-g/f whom I dated for almost 2 years. I love/d her. Things were up and down. Before things got tough, we had talked about marriage. She has been trying to call me for the past 4 months, but I refused to answer (I kicked her out b/c things were rocky and I felt she didn't love me anymore) because I thought I wanted to move on.

Well, I'm out last week for a friend's b-day. We were at a bar and then they were going to the movie's (gay b-day if you ask me). I didn't want to go so I stayed. Next thing I know, I get a tap on the shoulder. It's the ex-g/f. We said "Hi", "How are you", etc. I won't lie, it was really nice to see her.

So I talked to her for a little while (a couple times she started to cry and got up and went to the bathroom). She talked about how she realized how uncommunicable she was and difficult at times (basically admitting her faults, which she never did). She tells me how she misses me, always loved me, couldn't be with, let alone marry, someone else. Says she always thought we would be together and have children. The whole 9 yards. She wants to be together and says she always did.

I've always had feeling for her, but pushed them deep down after I broke up with her. Now, it's scaring the sh!t outta me. My feelings are resurfacing bad and I don't know why or better, what the hell to do!

I've talked to her on the phone a couple times since then, and I'll admit, I've enjoyed it and looked forward to it everytime. I've grown as a person since then and she says/sounds like she has too.

On the other hand, the current g/f, I don't know about either. Things seem great, but I don't know if it's just cause it's new. I mean the ex knows so much about me. FCUK!!!! I hate this sh!t man.

Sorry for the long thread. I finally got tired of typing. Just looking for some input and advice. Thanks.

 

[Rodja]

It's all about chemistry, bro. Only you know which one you seem to mesh with best. SO, whomever that is, I say to go with that one.

 

[Jayhawkk]

Be honest with your feelings and figure out who you can be "you" with. Just because you two broke up doesn't mean it has to stay that way. The fact you're confused and in a new relationship, i'd be willing to bet it's worth giving that older relationship a second chance. It's better to stop this one before it gets too deep and you end up breaking up late on down the road because you felt as if you didn't give yourself what you wanted.


My opinion is to talk more with your ex and specifically bring up the issues you two had (even the unspoken ones you personally had problems with). See where things go from there.

 

[KingMeso]

Be honest with your feelings and figure out who you can be "you" with. Just because you two broke up doesn't mean it has to stay that way. The fact you're confused and in a new relationship, i'd be willing to bet it's worth giving that older relationship a second chance. It's better to stop this one before it gets too deep and you end up breaking up late on down the road because you felt as if you didn't give yourself what you wanted.


My opinion is to talk more with your ex and specifically bring up the issues you two had (even the unspoken ones you personally had problems with). See where things go from there.

:goodpost:

I agree and would like that. I think I'm always worried I'm going to make the wrong decision and regret it. But wouldn't you say it's better to regret things you have done instead of things you haven't?

Not to mention I was glad to see someone voted for the ex. That should be my answer right there.

 

[KingMeso]

It's all about chemistry, bro. Only you know which one you seem to mesh with best. SO, whomever that is, I say to go with that one.

You're absolutely right. Thanks for the insight Rodja.

 

[freqfly]

It seems to me the reason for breaking up in the first place wasn't because of the lack of feelings or love, but because of exterior/surface issues. If she has, infact, got over those issues/grown up a bit, then the feelings are still there and there still could be a chance of things working out. The downside, and I've alwasy felt this way, you broke up before, whats to say it won't happen again? I know you shouldn't focus on the negative or "what if" scenarios, but you basically need to evaluate if in fact the issue that ended it before could come up again. If you both are truly past it, and still love each other, then don't throw that away. I walked away from a few relationships because I thought I wanted something else, ignoring my true feelings. Not worth it.

 

[xjsynx]

It seems to me the reason for breaking up in the first place wasn't because of the lack of feelings or love, but because of exterior/surface issues. If she has, infact, got over those issues/grown up a bit, then the feelings are still there and there still could be a chance of things working out. The downside, and I've alwasy felt this way, you broke up before, whats to say it won't happen again? I know you shouldn't focus on the negative or "what if" scenarios, but you basically need to evaluate if in fact the issue that ended it before could come up again. If you both are truly past it, and still love each other, then don't throw that away. I walked away from a few relationships because I thought I wanted something else, ignoring my true feelings. Not worth it.

Everybody made valid points and I agree even more so with freq.

The other thing you need to take in consideration that things can go back the same. Sometime the always do, and then ex could also have another grudge, because of the break up.

The bottom line is, you moved on, and started a new relationship. Are you going to ask the same question if this current GF calls you up, and you can't find no real reason for breaking it off? And maybe it was destiny that you and your ex broke up, and this is just a test????

 

[crader]

Well I'll say this much it isn't fair to your current GF that you are talking to another woman. You should end it with her first if you aren't happy, or the fact that you even question it.

 

[Dr Packenwood]

Well I'll say this much it isn't fair to your current GF that you are talking to another woman. You should end it with her first if you aren't happy, or the fact that you even question it.

I agree. Be fair to both of them, and to yourself foremost.

Seems you have the recipie for a couple of 'bookends' though....

 

[BIGG DOGG]

in my experiences an ex always pops up when you are completely happy..and the screw your head up all over again. that is how it always happens with me. would you have even questioned things with your current g/f if you had never seen your ex? the problems were obviously big enough for you to break it off after two years. think hard about the times she made you mad or the flaws she had? were they just situational can they really be fixed or were the charcter traits that you couldnt deal with? dont jump the gun you might have something good going for you now and just cant see it becuase the past fogged things up.

Future reference when asking us to decide which girl you should pic please include pictures. preferably ones in lingere.
that would make the decision making process so much easier.
:icon_lol:

 

[xjsynx]

Well I'll say this much it isn't fair to your current GF that you are talking to another woman. You should end it with her first if you aren't happy, or the fact that you even question it.

I hope I articulated that....I meant to.

:clap2:

 

[xjsynx]

in my experiences an ex always pops up when you are completely happy..and the screw your head up all over again. that is how it always happens with me. would you have even questioned things with your current g/f if you had never seen your ex? the problems were obviously big enough for you to break it off after two years. think hard about the times she made you mad or the flaws she had? were they just situational can they really be fixed or were the charcter traits that you couldnt deal with? dont jump the gun you might have something good going for you now and just cant see it becuase the past fogged things up.

Future reference when asking us to decide which girl you should pic please include pictures. preferably ones in lingere.
that would make the decision making process so much easier.
:icon_lol:

Great advice, all around.

 

[EasyEJL]

I'm guessing that since you said the old one has been calling for 4 months that the breakup wasn't all that much before that. You haven't changed that much in 6 months and neither has she. If you had talked about marriage with her, but still found enough reasons to separate from her most of those reasons are still valid just 6 months later. You had 25.5 years to learn those habits + patterns, .5 years wont change them hugely. I would be nice to her, be friends with her if you like, but not date her.

You can never cross the same bridge twice. Even if you started to date again, it would be different and not likely in a good way. that adds even more tension as you continue to try and compare with "when things were good". She knows you've dated at least one someone else, and you'll find out about what shes done. That will likely leave spots where either of you doesn't fully trust the other...

Now one caveat to this, is if the breakup was caused by one of the major events in life affecting you as well. Marriage, divorce, birth of a child, purchase of a house, death of an immediate/close family member, declaring bankruptcy. I'm guessing the first 3 didnt but the others are possible. Add in if you like an immediate family member being diagnosed with a fatal disease, possibly also loosing your job. If any of those are true, then it could have been the addition of stress that lead you to it, not entirely the situation directly with her. That means it may be worth talking to her, and seeing if you can resume things.

Either way, you do need to be honest with the current gf.

 

[toughchick401]

I agree be fair to both and to yourself, find out what you want, sounds like that's not going so well for you now... It's not a easy call but remember sometimes going back isen't easy nor can it be done, some people always want what they can't have?

Good luck

TC

 

[Beau]

I agree w/ EJL - I wouldn't expect too much has changed in such a short time. You may want to ask yourself a few questions:

1. What were all of the red flags you had before with her?
2. Would you go back if they ALL came back?
3. Are you "seeing change" because "you want to see it"; meaning, it would make her that much more attractive, or is it "real"?
4. Why would she have changed?
5. What makes you think she changed?
6. What is the likelihood she just misses you and is lonely?
7. Does it scare the living (human waste product) out of you that she is "talking babies" when you aren't even back together?
8. Has she EVER deceived you?
9. How much did you change and how - specifically?
10. If you don't get back together, do you have any nude photos of her? (sorry, I could only be serious for so long).

 

[Iron Warrior]

Be careful bro, some women will tell you what you want to hear to get you back. For her to say that makes me think she is depending on you for her happiness and that's troubling.

I got back with an ex once and I gotta admit I only did it for sex but it was not worth the headaches and drama. Everything went smoother than the smoothest Test Enan. injection but she eventually became the person I knew and that was the beginning of the end.

 

[Lacradocious]

I vote for your current girlfriend. You already made up your mind when you broke up with the other girl that she wasn't good for you. People are who they are. I bet she really is the same person she was before. You have just had a long break from it. But that is just my opinion.

If your current girlfriend is a good person and she makes you happy, then I think you should give yourselves a chance to let your relationship develop. What if the roles were reversed and she was in your position and you in hers?

Good luck

 

[neoborn]

Be honest with your feelings and figure out who you can be "you" with. Just because you two broke up doesn't mean it has to stay that way. The fact you're confused and in a new relationship, i'd be willing to bet it's worth giving that older relationship a second chance. It's better to stop this one before it gets too deep and you end up breaking up late on down the road because you felt as if you didn't give yourself what you wanted.


My opinion is to talk more with your ex and specifically bring up the issues you two had (even the unspoken ones you personally had problems with). See where things go from there.

x2

Couldn't have said it better myself. Take your time to think about how you feel, what caused the end last time and is it going to be different now? Has anything changed?

Love is a beautiful thing...it's a hard thing when lost...

Much love,

Neoborn

 

[psychospic]

If you are unsure, then you shouldn;t be in a relationship at all right now. You should take some time to think about what you want without the presuures of the two women. If you decide to stay with the new girl then you owe to both of you to stop communicating with the ex and put 100% effort into this new relationship. If you decide to go back (which sounds like something you want) I recommend couples therapy as it will give you two a neutral place to talk without having to fight about old issues. Good Luck

 

[neoborn]

<Insert obligatory generic "have sex with them both and dump them and go drinking with your buddies" type comment / post here>

Much love

Neoborn

 

[EasyEJL]

Actually i'm wondering when kingmeso will chime in again here

 

[KingMeso]

Thanks for all the replies and insight. I really appreciate it.

Just got back from vacation (which sucks b/c I picked up a cold and now have to delay my log). As far as this, nothing has really changed. Still confused. Still scared. I really appreciate what everyone has to say.

 

[KingMeso]

The only thing I fear is Alcohol...and this scares the living sh!t out of me. I don't know...

 

[KingMeso]

Well, I pretty much f'ed up, like always. I have literally been making myself sick and it's all my fault. How come I can never make the right decision in life?

 

[EasyEJL]

Well, I pretty much f'ed up, like always. I have literally been making myself sick and it's all my fault. How come I can never make the right decision in life?

Its not just you . Basically its all of us, life and decisions are so muddy that you can never be sure till afterwards. Really lots of the choices we have to decide between would leave us feeling exactly that way no matter which way we chose, as afterwards looking back the other way would still look attractive, and you wouldnt see the possible negatives of having made that choice. Geez that was a long sentence.

What decision did you make?

 

[BULLDOG]

You shouldn't be in a relationship right now with either, emotionally you don't seem to be able to deal with a real relationship. Take a break grow up a little

 

[KingMeso]

BULLDOG is probably right. I shouldn't be with anyone right now, let alone either of them.

I was blinded by my own stupidity and immaturity. Deep inside, I thought I wanted to be with my ex, but I was scared of the same things repeating. I thought I have such a history with her, that she was the one. Things were good with my g/f, but it is still a new, young relationship. It's around the time that the little "issues" start showing up and things aren't as "bubbly" anymore.

Dealing with things like an immature POS, I went out drinking, saw her, and slept with the ex.

Upon waking the next day, not only did I feel absolutely horrible about what I had done, I realized that I didn't really love my ex in that way at all. It was like a HUGE slap in the face, wake-up call. One time in my life that I actually knew something for sure. It was completely physical.

I ended things with my g/f (obviously). I totally regret not giving my g/f a chance. It's making me anxious, depressed, sick, etc. I wish I wasn't so blind and ignorant. You don't know what you got, until it's gone.

It makes me wonder if I'll ever have a meaningful relationship or if subconsciously I won't let that happen.

I hate myself.

 

[KingMeso]

Its not just you . Basically its all of us, life and decisions are so muddy that you can never be sure till afterwards. Really lots of the choices we have to decide between would leave us feeling exactly that way no matter which way we chose, as afterwards looking back the other way would still look attractive, and you wouldnt see the possible negatives of having made that choice. Geez that was a long sentence.

Very true. Thanks for your input man.

 

[EasyEJL]

Really the only thing there i'd say you did that was wrong was ending it with the current GF. You should have told her what happened, and how it left you feeling, but let her decide what happened at that point.

What did you tell her?

The sleeping with the ex wasn't the best choice ever, but had you not done that you would have always had that wonder in the back of your year (re-read my long sentence above) and thought that it would be all rosy if you were with her. At least now you know...

 

[KingMeso]

I was afraid to tell the ex. I felt like I had hurt her so much already. I wish I could just tell her what happened and how I really feel. And for her to be able to get inside my head and see it's the truth. But at the same time, I don't know how I would feel if the tables were turned. I couldn't blame her for however she would react.

I hate to have found out the way I did, but now I know for sure how I really feel.

I know things are already set in motion and it's my fault. But I feel like things are just hanging out there, incomplete. I have never felt this way before. I feel so empty and wish there was something I could do.

 

[EasyEJL]

Tell both of the girls the truth. It might seem like the hardest thing to do, but in the long run its the easiest. that way neither of them has some unresolved questions/issues either. It might hurt more for a moment, but hurts less in the long run.

 

[neoborn]

I agree completely with Easy, if you are honest with your feelings and with how you have hurt them / yourself, you will be able to at least if nothing else look back from the future and know "I told the truth and was honest about how I feel".

Doesn't sound like much now but those things can be a saving grace for your conscience.

Live a life of honesty and be true to yourself

Love Much!

Neoborn