How to: break off an engagement

brywal312

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I have been engaged for 11 months and it has taken this long to realize that the only thing my fionce` and I have in common is a high sex drive. We have nothing at all in common otherwise. It is hard to hold a conversation about anything other than sex and when we are going to do it again. I want to break up. THe problem is that this girl is not completely there so to speak. Think the redheaded girl off of american pie except really country and lame. She literally does not want to leave the house ever. Could have something to do with aspire36 ;) but still. I am tired of having a girlfrient than I cannot bring out in public because she acts super depressed when she doesnt get any. We were both virgins and that probably has somehting to do with her addiction too. So bottom line is, Has anyone ever broken off an engagement and how did you do it?
 
Rodja

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I have been here before my friend. It will not be easy for either of you and, if you are really serious about breaking the engagement, then you need to find a way to keep her out of your life. Relationship addiction is a very complicated thing and unless it is handled correctly, things can go very bad.

My best advice would be to tell her that you need some time to reassess things in your life and to see if that she is really the one for you. After a couple of days, you will know whether or not you miss having her around.
 
Nabisco

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There is only one way to handle this. The donkey punch...it says everything you just said, but in one simple motion that even an idiot cannot fail to realize.

:run:
 
brywal312

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My best advice would be to tell her that you need some time to reassess things in your life and to see if that she is really the one for you. After a couple of days, you will know whether or not you miss having her around.
THanks man! I did try this though and I was fine without her. I had a really good time with the guys and the only thing i missed was getting laid all the time. The real problem I am having with the situation is that i dont want to destroy her. She gets depressed pretty easy and I am terrified at the thought that me doing this could push her over the edge.
 
Rodja

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THanks man! I did try this though and I was fine without her. I had a really good time with the guys and the only thing i missed was getting laid all the time. The real problem I am having with the situation is that i dont want to destroy her. She gets depressed pretty easy and I am terrified at the thought that me doing this could push her over the edge.
Do not get sucked into the sympathy. It is only a way of manipulating your feelings and, in the long-run, will only make you resent her more.
 
Squeaks4ver

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wait a min, dont sell sex too short. some of the best relationships are based only on sex. why don't you make out a list of pro's and cons before you get your heart set on leaving this option.
 
BigCasino

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wait a min, dont sell sex too short. some of the best relationships are based only on sex. why don't you make out a list of pro's and cons before you get your heart set on leaving this option.
Squeaks with the morally responsible advice, I love it :clap2:


To the original poster, what I wanna know is how did you put up with this for 11 months if you have nothing in common, the sex must be REALLY good eh :whip:
 
B5150

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I have been engaged for 11 months and it has taken this long to realize that the only thing my fionce` and I have in common is a high sex drive. We have nothing at all in common otherwise. It is hard to hold a conversation about anything other than sex and when we are going to do it again. I want to break up. THe problem is that this girl is not completely there so to speak. Think the redheaded girl off of american pie except really country and lame. She literally does not want to leave the house ever. Could have something to do with aspire36 ;) but still. I am tired of having a girlfrient than I cannot bring out in public because she acts super depressed when she doesnt get any. We were both virgins and that probably has somehting to do with her addiction too. So bottom line is, Has anyone ever broken off an engagement and how did you do it?
The way you describe her it seems that all of a sudden now SHE is lame? It took you 11 months of engagement and how long before engagement to figure this out? Don't flatter yourself too much here on the board. She was good enough for you for more than 11 months and now SHE is lame?
Relationship addiction is a very complicated thing
I had a really good time with the guys and the only thing i missed was getting laid all the time.
This is not a realtionship, it is a sexual addiction. If it is a relationship at all it is a codependent relationship, which has addiction characteristics as well.

If you desire to end this "thing" you call an "engagement" then end it. Period. Walk away. But I gather your dependency on this lame girl will be revealed soon after you try ;)
 

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The way you describe her it seems that all of a sudden now SHE is lame? It took you 11 months of engagement and how long before engagement to figure this out? Don't flatter yourself too much here on the board. She was good enough for you for more than 11 months and now SHE is lame?This is not a realtionship, it is a sexual addiction. If it is a relationship at all it is a codependent relationship, which has addiction characteristics as well.

If you desire to end this "thing" you call an "engagement" then end it. Period. Walk away. But I gather your dependency on this lame girl will be revealed soon after you try ;)
BRUTAL HONESTY...................I Love it! :clap2: :goodpost:
 
brywal312

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Pros: Sex
COns: Country music
doesnt want to do anything
kinda fat
will not excercise
no job
bad mood swings - laughing one minute crying the next
immature even though she is 21 in that she runs off and tells her friends when we argue and has them call me and chew me out
blames arguements on me taking "that stuff"
 
brywal312

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The way you describe her it seems that all of a sudden now SHE is lame? It took you 11 months of engagement and how long before engagement to figure this out? Don't flatter yourself too much here on the board. She was good enough for you for more than 11 months and now SHE is lame?This is not a realtionship, it is a sexual addiction. If it is a relationship at all it is a codependent relationship, which has addiction characteristics as well.

If you desire to end this "thing" you call an "engagement" then end it. Period. Walk away. But I gather your dependency on this lame girl will be revealed soon after you try ;)
THanks, I appreciate you honesty:sad: You are probably right about the addiction thing...
 
B5150

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Pros: Sex
COns: Country music
doesnt want to do anything
kinda fat
will not excercise
no job
bad mood swings - laughing one minute crying the next
immature even though she is 21 in that she runs off and tells her friends when we argue
And all of a sudden you recognize this after 11 months? Sounds to me like you engaged her to secure a piece of ass.
 
B5150

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I'm just giving you an honest observation. Been there and done that. I just cannot in good conscience allow you to pass all the blame on her. She may have issues. But you need to look at you and realize that there are issues of your own when you consider you have a relationship (or whatever it is) with someone who has issues of this nature.

Be careful not to hurt her more than she already is.

Good luck.
 
brywal312

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And all of a sudden you recognize this after 11 months? Sounds to me like you engaged her to secure a piece of ass.
In all honesty yeah, pretty much, at this point I am coming to realize that is exactly what I did...
 
Squeaks4ver

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kinda fat
will not excercise
no job


DROP HER! she has no drive and will rag on you for the rest of your life for her short commings
 
Chad

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kinda fat
will not excercise
no job


DROP HER! she has no drive and will rag on you for the rest of your life for her short commings
LOL!! you are such a dude sometimes!:toofunny: :toofunny: :clap2:
 

ReaperX

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There was this saying I read that said, "How can you expect to have someone love you when you don't love yourself." I found that to be very true and applicable, esp in your situation.

The whole depression thing and wallowing in self-pity is from a poor attitude and terrible view of onesself...(which really isn't your problem). She needs to do more for herself and help herself out instead of indirectly pawing it off on you.

One thing that really bothers me is when fat people complain about being fat....its kinda "yeah, that's great so what are you going to do about it?" and most of them, NOT ALL, but most of them wallow in self-pity and feel sorry for themselves rather than getting out and changing the situation. The funny thing is everyone who has a great physique didn't get that physique by accident, but caused it to happen.

Tyra and Opera (i'm sure there are more out there) shows try to self-praise being 'big and beautiful' and being accept for who they are. Um, hello...last time I checked being a size 16 (in womens) is overweight and is not healthy. It is too bad that our society tries to play up the whole 'accept me for who I am' rather than 'Get off your ass and create a change'.

Anyways that is my rant and rave...
 
Chad

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I have been engaged for 11 months and it has taken this long to realize that the only thing my fionce` and I have in common is a high sex drive. We have nothing at all in common otherwise. It is hard to hold a conversation about anything other than sex and when we are going to do it again. I want to break up. THe problem is that this girl is not completely there so to speak. Think the redheaded girl off of american pie except really country and lame. She literally does not want to leave the house ever. Could have something to do with aspire36 ;) but still. I am tired of having a girlfrient than I cannot bring out in public because she acts super depressed when she doesnt get any. We were both virgins and that probably has somehting to do with her addiction too. So bottom line is, Has anyone ever broken off an engagement and how did you do it?
how old are you two?
 
Squeaks4ver

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I just see it all the time. Friends of mine that are married to girls that were these little miss pretties, they got married and turned into fat slobs that have a muffin top, will NOT work, and hate the fact they are fat and wont work out. they then beat up my friends because they don't make enough money, or they dont find them attractive anymore. I think, in some ways, "dudes" have a better understanding of relationships than most of us females. In this case at least he should use his maleness and move on.
 

ReaperX

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I just see it all the time. Friends of mine that are married to girls that were these little miss pretties, they got married and turned into fat slobs that have a muffin top, will NOT work, and hate the fact they are fat and wont work out. they then beat up my friends because they don't make enough money, or they dont find them attractive anymore. I think, in some ways, "dudes" have a better understanding of relationships than most of us females. In this case at least he should use his maleness and move on.
Well, the irony is that in life you are actually in control of yourself and your decisions, but for some people its easier to blame someone else.
 
Squeaks4ver

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totally. i would shoot myself the day i felt, eh, i'll just go buy a larger size skirt because i cant fit into what i have now. no guy is EVER going to put me into a mindset where I feel that they should provide everything to me. I am proud that I wear a smaller size then i did in 8th grade. I think its those little things that can help people find some worth and boost their self image. But there are some that are lost for good.. and the ones that are do not care about their figures.
 

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totally. i would shoot myself the day i felt, eh, i'll just go buy a larger size skirt because i cant fit into what i have now. no guy is EVER going to put me into a mindset where I feel that they should provide everything to me. I am proud that I wear a smaller size then i did in 8th grade. I think its those little things that can help people find some worth and boost their self image. But there are some that are lost for good.. and the ones that are do not care about their figures.
Well shyea, it is even easier for girls cuz atleast they can just starve themselves or whatever and that'll be that. For male bodybuilders we actually have to apply some science to keeping that hard-earned muscle.
 
Squeaks4ver

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i agree but no i dont lol. not eating makes us look like ET or something. There is more work in keeping a healthy, sexy yet sensual body than just doing a Lindsey Lohan diet of thinking of french fries..

now dont mind me, i have to slip into my wonder women gym outfit and run the hell out of a tredmill
 

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just from my experience, I always recommend hnesty. However, if you are honest with her, even if you stay together she will never get over it. It will always be in the back of her mind that you have had these thoughts and doubts about her. So with that in mind, it is time to take a walk. Sex is obviously great, and can be the basis for a healthy relationship, however, if youy have nothing else, then its time to go on. You guys are not for each other evidently
 
Chemist2234

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end this real quick and abruptly, just sleep with some other chick in your bed, if you share one. And plan it so she walks in while its going on. I look at it this way, this is a no lose situation with 2 outcomes.

1.) She is so sex crazy that she will then join you two and you will have a 3 some.

2.) She gets pissed and you guys break up without even the need for a discussion.
 
Chad

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end this real quick and abruptly, just sleep with some other chick in your bed, if you share one. And plan it so she walks in while its going on. I look at it this way, this is a no lose situation with 2 outcomes.

1.) She is so sex crazy that she will then join you two and you will have a 3 some.

2.) She gets pissed and you guys break up without even the need for a discussion.


yes that would be the easy way to do it. but if she is a red neck like he says then she might pull out a shotgun and smoke him ass for breaking her fat little heart. :toofunny:
 
Chemist2234

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yes that would be the easy way to do it. but if she is a red neck like he says then she might pull out a shotgun and smoke him ass for breaking her fat little heart. :toofunny:
yea that would suck, especially if she has hillbilly brothers. I wouldn't want them chasing my ass down in rusty ford F-150 guns a'blazin
 
B5150

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And all of a sudden you recognize this after 11 months? Sounds to me like you engaged her to secure a piece of ass.
In all honesty yeah, pretty much, at this point I am coming to realize that is exactly what I did...
Well it takes a bit of honesty on your part to recognize that.

But unfortunately you have presented YOUR fiance in a less than flattering light that we are supposed to believe is an accurate portrayal of her character and or flaws and you get off scott-clean?

Now we have a bunch of dip****s mocking her. They are dip****s, but that girl is someones daughter AND your fiance.
 
Chemist2234

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Well it takes a bit of honesty on your part to recognize that.

But unfortunately you have presented YOUR fiance in a less than flattering light that we are supposed to believe is an accurate portrayal of her character and or flaws and you get off scott-clean?

Now we have a bunch of dip****s mocking her. They are dip****s, but that girl is someones daughter AND your fiance.

whatever man, be a prick
 
brywal312

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We had a talk tonight and she agreed that we had nothing in common but sex drive. The odd thing is that she pretty much said...ok so whats wrong with that... So about 2 hours later covered in sweat I thought about it and said to myself... hmm, maybe this is not such a bad thing after all... I am going to make some changes though. I am not going to put up with her depression and I am not going to be her crutch. Also she and I are going to need to grow up ALOT before I even consider marriage again.
 

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If you think her mother is hot, than marry her. At least you have some assurance that she will still look good for quite some time.

I've seen women who are 30 but, once the yoga pants are off, hang like they are 50. Make sure that doesnt happen to you.
 
neoborn

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I have been engaged for 11 months and it has taken this long to realize that the only thing my fionce` and I have in common is a high sex drive.
If you're looking to get married you should treasure this one beautiful trait...because you will be remembering these days for a long time....you and the callouses on your hands :D

Much Love,

<3 Neoborn <3
 
B5150

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We had a talk tonight and she agreed that we had nothing in common but sex drive. The odd thing is that she pretty much said...ok so whats wrong with that... So about 2 hours later covered in sweat I thought about it and said to myself... hmm, maybe this is not such a bad thing after all... I am going to make some changes though. I am not going to put up with her depression and I am not going to be her crutch. Also she and I are going to need to grow up ALOT before I even consider marriage again.
That is a mature approach to the situation. Sexual compatibility is a huge part of a marriage but it is not a worthy foundation for one. There really is more important things in life and much more fulfilling things to a relationship than sexual gratification. But these are things that we learn as we mature and focus less on gratification and more on true fulfillment in life.

Now, at your age there really is nothing too terribly wrong (depending upon your moral barometer) with having a completely sexual relationship. But these can sometimes become exclusive and then comfortable and convenient and then the next thing you know you have what you have now. If you want this for now, and both agree that this is sufficient for now, then more power to you. But if you want more for yourself, your future and your long term life fulfillment you need to consider what you are investing your time in.
 
Mrs. Gimpy!

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Well it takes a bit of honesty on your part to recognize that.

But unfortunately you have presented YOUR fiance in a less than flattering light that we are supposed to believe is an accurate portrayal of her character and or flaws and you get off scott-clean?

Now we have a bunch of dip****s mocking her. They are dip****s, but that girl is someones daughter AND your fiance.
true that people are mocking the poor girl BUT that does not change that fact that she (according to brywal) has really unflattering qualities that some people will not tolerate in a relationship.

I do agree with you though that brywal possibly hasnt come completely clean about his faults either. when a person is in a dysfunctional relationship, there are usually at least two flawed people in that relationship. I know this because i was once in a dysfunctional relationship, but i was immature, unconfident, etc..... i've seen this problem with many close friends as well, but when you become a more whole, happy and individual person, things go well for you.

if it was me in this situation, i would lay out my rules.... respect yourself (eat well, excercise), get some ambition (an actual CAREER) and lose the mentalness.... but at the same time as many of you have probably seen, im am quite the overachiever.

but then again, most people aren't like me......
-alot of women:
dont work
are out of shape
base their success off their husband's success
Slightly depressed (dramatic, etc,,, whatever you want to call it)

BUT those women still make good/good enough wives for most men out there. It all depends on you as a person and what you would like in a spouse.
 
kwyckemynd00

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kinda fat
will not excercise
no job


DROP HER! she has no drive and will rag on you for the rest of your life for her short commings
I think this was the most enlightened of all of the responses so far.

She'll be miserable and for it she'll make you miserable because (of course) she can't be the cause of her own problems...its "you". *sigh*

Oh, and, of course, there are two sides to the story and maybe you should take into account her feelings and yadda yadda yadda yadda, blah.
 
brywal312

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An update for you guys: I told her sunday night that I needed a break. We agreed to stay apart and try dating other people for a month or so and see how we feel. She went to my house monday while I was at work to "get her hairbrush" and told my mom a pile of lies and tried to get my mom on her side. Her plan failed miserably because she did not know I had already explained the whole situation to my mom. Over the past few days I have been feeling guilty for not feeling guilty for breaking up with her. I feel AWESOME right now. I have been having the most successful gym days ever. Hanging out with friends is so much better without having to cater to her all the time. I am the happiest I have been in a very long time. Strangely, as I said earlier i feel guilty for not being guilty because she is really broken up about it and I am totally not...
 
Squeaks4ver

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you can always use me as the reason.. its been done before lol
 
CRUNCH

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I feel AWESOME right now. I have been having the most successful gym days ever. Hanging out with friends is so much better without having to cater to her all the time. I am the happiest I have been in a very long time.
That should tell you a lot right there!! Glad to hear you're feeling good about it.
 

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I just see it all the time. Friends of mine that are married to girls that were these little miss pretties, they got married and turned into fat slobs that have a muffin top, will NOT work, and hate the fact they are fat and wont work out. they then beat up my friends because they don't make enough money, or they dont find them attractive anymore. I think, in some ways, "dudes" have a better understanding of relationships than most of us females. In this case at least he should use his maleness and move on.
you have no idea how true this is. The girls who were very spoiled groing up and who were never taught about responsibility turn into exactly what squeaks mentions here. Everything is the man's fault, in fact the fact that they get heavy, dont wanna work, and feel like crap falls on the mans shoulder. And when they are that miserable they dont say anything till they wanna take the mans money in court. It sucks
 

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well, after 7 years of marriage and 10 years together what squeaks said earlier is 100% true. My wife, unbeknownst to me has been in contact with an attorney since May, all the while passing it off as if she wants to work it out. So as of today, I contacted an attorney myself, and now the games will begin. After everything, she still wants custody eventhough she has said to people who will testify on my behalf, that she does not want to be a mother. So I am hoping that she will do the right thing and give me custody. Our daughter has already expressed her want of staying with me, and my soon to be ex does not seem to be stable enough.

Here is some advice for you guys who are in relationships, if your spouse is too close to her father (if your spouse is female) then run the other direction. You will never be able to get out of his shadow and she will forever put you last.

This sucks
 
brywal312

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I just want you guys to know how freaking awesome I feel right now. She has not called me in 3 days. I heard through the grapevine that she is even starting to hang out with some of her friends again. Currently listening to: feelin' way to damn good by nickeback - :head:
 
B5150

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Here is some advice for you guys who are in relationships, if your spouse is too close to her father (if your spouse is female) then run the other direction. You will never be able to get out of his shadow and she will forever put you last.

This sucks
A good fathers role is to demonstrate to her daughter the love and respect that she deserves. That is not a shadow, that is a model. Consider that maybe, just maybe, you don't live up to the standards that she has come to expect. Any man that my duaghter(s) are in realtionships with know the standard and know that they better live up to it or she will send them packing.

Men far too often look everywhere but at themselves to find the reason for their failed marriages.
 

ReaperX

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A good fathers role is to demonstrate to her daughter the love and respect that she deserves. That is not a shadow, that is a model. Consider that maybe, just maybe, you don't live up to the standards that she has come to expect. Any man that my duaghter(s) are in realtionships with know the standard and know that they better live up to it or she will send them packing.

Men far too often look everywhere but at themselves to find the reason for their failed marriages.

I've seen men act in a similar fashion....in fact one of the co-workers that I work with is 30 and has some 'co-dependency' issues. He is single and refuses to leave the city because his mother is close by and he has a extremely close relationship with her which means any woman that he dates (he's a loser so I'm guess its not gonna happen), but at any rate, if he does date someone that woman will always be #2 cuz momma is always gonna be #1 woman in his life.
 
kwyckemynd00

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A good fathers role is to demonstrate to her daughter the love and respect that she deserves. That is not a shadow, that is a model. Consider that maybe, just maybe, you don't live up to the standards that she has come to expect. Any man that my duaghter(s) are in realtionships with know the standard and know that they better live up to it or she will send them packing.

Men far too often look everywhere but at themselves to find the reason for their failed marriages.
But father's aren't always right. Fathers don't always know what's best for their "grown" children. And, although a father has a right to express frustration that the husband doesn't live up their their standards, what right does he have to intervene in the marriage? What about the daughters standards?

The last part you said though, I agree 100%. Its human (unfortunately) to blame others for mistakes. But of course I'm not implying anything of reaper, just a generic statement. We have no idea what has happened in these peoples marriages, what they have and haven't done, etc.
 

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A good fathers role is to demonstrate to her daughter the love and respect that she deserves. That is not a shadow, that is a model. Consider that maybe, just maybe, you don't live up to the standards that she has come to expect. Any man that my duaghter(s) are in realtionships with know the standard and know that they better live up to it or she will send them packing.

Men far too often look everywhere but at themselves to find the reason for their failed marriages.
that is actually not the case in this instance. He has been involved in our marriage and relationship for the entire 10 years of its existence. It is in fact my fault for letting the marriage go this long considering the issue. In fact, when we were moving to PA from NY 5 years ago, he told her she was not allowed to go, all the while she was 25 years old. She went a long with his wishes till I packed and got ready to leave. Then she came with me. However, she has never forgiven that.

While I agree with your statement, in this instance it is inappropriate. I also have a duaghter, and I will teach her (most likely as a single father) what is right and wrong and what a true man is. However, what my father in law did was enable my wife to feel that a true man will
  1. never make you work
  2. will make high 6 figures
  3. will let you shop every weekend
  4. will allow for your parents to control everything
There is much more to this situtation that you are unaware of.
 

AE14

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But father's aren't always right. Fathers don't always know what's best for their "grown" children. And, although a father has a right to express frustration that the husband doesn't live up their their standards, what right does he have to intervene in the marriage? What about the daughters standards?
this is 100% right. it makes no sense for someone to take their "grown" child and make them feel like crap about the choice they made in a spouse. For goodness sakes his grown child has a 4 yer old daughter who they basically have nothing to do with.

The last part you said though, I agree 100%. Its human (unfortunately) to blame others for mistakes. But of course I'm not implying anything of reaper, just a generic statement. We have no idea what has happened in these peoples marriages, what they have and haven't done, etc.
agreed. this works both ways. men and women are often to blame for not taking their own blame. The saddest part to this is I have found out a lot about my wife and her behavior over the last several weeks, all of which I was unaware of. Which in turn totally destroys my trust for her. No she didnt "cheat", but in my mind just as bad. I also found out that she feels we need to be happy 100% of the time. WTF?
 

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