Steven Wright Quotes

DmitryWI

DmitryWI

I know nothing...
99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.

I intend to live forever - so far, so good.

Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.

Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

Borrow money from pessimists-they don't expect it back.


A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
 
I got some spot remover, now my dogs gone.

I got some instant water, but I don't know what to add.
 
On the other hand, you have different fingers. -- Steven Wright

I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet.
So I said, "Got any shoes you're not using?" -- Steven Wright

My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted. -- Steven Wright

Someone sent me a postcard picture of the earth.
On the back it said, "Wish you were here."
-- Steven Wright

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
-- Steven Wright

If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
-- Steven Wright

"Did you sleep well?" "No, I made a couple of mistakes." -- Steven Wright

My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo
cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of
the afternoon's appointments. -- Steven Wright

My socks DO match. They're the same thickness. -- Steven Wright

Officer, I know I was going faster than 55MPH, but I wasn't going to be on the
road an hour. -- Steven Wright


I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards.
I got a full house and four people died.
-- Steven Wright

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory.
You couldn't park anywhere near the place.
-- Steven Wright

I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint. It was in the shape
of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't included.
-- Steven Wright

I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues
that are in all the other museums. -- Steven Wright


Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.
-- Steven Wright

When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot,
then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving.
-- Steven Wright

When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms
with me. I said, "Well, what do you need?" -- Steven Wright

You can't have everything. Where would you put it? -- Steven Wright
 
My aunt gave me a walkie-talkie for my birthday. She says if I'm good, she'll
give me the other one next year. -- Steven Wright

I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, "What for?"
I said, "I'm going to buy some sugar." -- Steven Wright

I eat swiss cheese from the inside out. -- Steven Wright

I had amnesia once or twice. -- Steven Wright

I bought a million lottery tickets. I won a dollar. -- Steven Wright

I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to
everybody on the list. -- Steven Wright

I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be. I called someone. They
went "Aaaaahhhh..." -- Steven Wright

The sun never sets on the British Empire. But it rises every morning. The sky
must get awfully crowded. -- Steven Wright

You know how it is when you decide to lie and say the check is in the mail, and
then you remember it really is? I'm like that all the time.
-- Steven Wright

How many people does it take to change a searchlight bulb?
-- Steven Wright

I was in the grocery store. I saw a sign that said "pet supplies". So I did.
Then I went outside and saw a sign that said "compact cars".
-- Steven Wright

The sky already fell. Now what? -- Steven Wright

When I was in boy scouts, I slipped on the ice and hurt my ankle. A little old
lady had to help me across the street. -- Steven Wright

You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling asleep, you're
reading, reading...and all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed? I'm
like that all the time. -- Steven Wright

My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment
somewhere. -- Steven Wright

Smoking cures weight problems...eventually... -- Steven Wright

I had fried octopus last night. You have to be really quiet when you eat it.
Otherwise, it emits a cloud of black smoke and falls on the floor.
-- Steven Wright

Yesterday I told a chicken to cross the road. It said, "what for?"
-- Steven Wright

I xeroxed my watch. Now I have time to spare. -- Steven Wright

I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes.
-- Steven Wright
 
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