Anabolic Steroids Invade the World of Professional Chess

  1. Smile Anabolic Steroids Invade the World of Professional Chess

    Anabolic Steroids Invade the World of Professional Chess
    Thirteen Year Old Chess Prodigy is Disqualified for Banned Substances

    By Allen R. Smith

    Canton, Ohio – The professional chess world was rocked today when 13 year old chess prodigy, Bobby Baines was disqualified for testing positive for steroids.

    Clayton Groman, Director of the United States Chess Federation announced during a press conference from his offices in Crossville, Tennessee that Baines was one of 17 professional chess players ranging in ages from 8 to 97 years old, that are under suspicion for blood doping and taking drugs on the USCF list of banned substances.

    “We’ve had Mr. Baines in our crosshairs for quite some time,” said Groman. “We first became suspicious when we noticed that he was becoming much more violent during matches and began exhibiting impaired judgment stemming from feelings of invincibility.” During one recent chess match, Baines became upset over his opponent’s delay in play and leaped over the table hoisting him up into an Airplane Spin.

    “He’s just a boy,” pleaded Bobby’s mother and manager, Agatha Baines. “Like all boys his age, he’s bound to make mistakes.” When asked if she noticed any other recent changes in Bobby, Agatha confessed that she had noticed some small, yet noticeable physical changes in her son over the past six months. “For one thing, he started to grow more hair; a lot of hair.” she said. “I’m well aware that boys entering puberty are likely to experience changes in their bodies, but I saw Bobby in the shower one afternoon and his back was just covered with hair. He’d looked just like my brother, Leo and he’s 67 years old. But what really alarmed me was when I saw Bobby trimming the hair in his ears. He’s only 13 for God’s sake…” She also confessed to witnessing some rather rapid weight gain in Bobby. “He gained over 35 pounds of muscle in one week,” she said. “We had to stop buying his clothes at Oshkosh B’Gosh and start shopping at Eagleson’s Big and Tall Shop for Men.”

    Drug abuse and doping is nothing new in the world of professional chess. In 1973, Grand Master Valery Solov was suspended for 14 games after blood tests confirmed a hematocrit of over 67%. After months of deliberation, Solov finally confessed to blood doping as part of a plea deal that resulted in the restoration of his tournament privileges. “I was scheduled to play a particularly brutal tournament in Denver, Colorado,” said Solov. “They call Denver ‘the Mile High City’ and I needed to do whatever I could to be at my best at that altitude. I admit I was wrong. But everybody’s doing it.”

    “Part of Bobby’s problem is the lousy role models that teens have these days,” said Jessie Stagg, Bobby’s third period physical education teacher. “They see professional athletes like Barry Bonds and Jose Canseco doing steroids to pump up their batting averages and ask themselves, ‘Why shouldn’t I?”

    And it’s not only athletics that are being impacted by performance enhancing substances. “Steroids have absolutely destroyed our boys’ voices,” complained Lois Prum, Director of the St. Anthony’s Boys' Choir at Our Lady of Hubert High School. “They used to sound so angelic. But their voices were cracking left and right at last year’s Christmas Pageant. They absolutely annihilated ‘Good King Wenceslas.”

    The next step in the investigation is to request a Sample B of Bobby’s blood from the Olympic Analytical Laboratory at the University of California, Los Angeles. “The problem with analyzing Bobby’s Sample B, is the fact that a 13 year old boy’s hormones are all over the place,” said Donald H. Catlin, Director of the lab. “If he’s been within ten miles of a copy of Penthouse, his testosterone readings will be way, way off. It’s just impossible to get an accurate measurement.”

    Fortunately for Bobby, a chess competitor’s career is much longer than, say a professional gymnast. “With the proper guidance, even if he’s suspended from tournament play for a year, it shouldn’t really make much of an impact in Bobby’s career,” said Stagg. “He could get disqualified five or six times and still remain competitive. After all, Garry Kasparov was 47 when he retired and he didn’t even know about steroids.”

    Anabolic Steroids Invade the World of Professional Chess - Associated Content

  2. Is this a joke? lol Weirdest f'in thing I've ever heard. And 13? Where the hell did this kid pull juice from?

  3. Is this originally from The Onion? 35lbs in one week???? Back and ears covered in hair????? Steroids for chess???? The choir being ruined This can't be real.

  4. It is indeed a joke A really good one too

  5. 35lbs in one week? I have to stop working out and start playing chess then.

  6. Yes, it is a joke.

  7. LoL, I'm glad that's a joke - I think I was flabbergasted.

    It wasn't the juice for chess, nor his age, nor the 35lbs weight gain in 1 week that bothered me. The thing that upset me the most was the mother talking about watching her 13 year old son in the shower. Poor kid has bigger problems if she's doing that...

  8. We all know it was only a matter of time for something like this!

    Too funny!

  9. Quote Originally Posted by Beowulf
    Is this originally from The Onion? 35lbs in one week???? Back and ears covered in hair????? Steroids for chess???? The choir being ruined This can't be real.
    The Onion f'ing ROCKS!

    Especially Herbert K. Kornfeld

  10. Just wait for the movie, In Search of Bobby Dealer.

  11. Juice helps him focus..sometimes its all about the focus. Channel that rage...chess is a mind game. "CHECKMATE! MUTHER F'ER!!!!" *proceeds to out his fist through the table*

    I heard the United States Curling Association is now testing all their athletes for juice....

  12. Quote Originally Posted by CDB
    Just wait for the movie, In Search of Bobby Dealer.


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