Dealing with Anxiety and Seperation.
- 05-19-2006, 12:13 PM
Dealing with Anxiety and Seperation.
Needless to say it has not been a good month for me emotionally. 3 weeks ago my wife told me it was over (I'm stuck in Texas, she's back in South Carolina). Ever since I've been on a god damn roller coaster of emotions ranging from depression to anxiety. It wouldn't be so bad, but we have 2 children together and it just seemed so...sudden. I can't stop thinking about it and everytime I do I get a sudden rush of anxiety (i.e. my heart rate begins to increase, I get jittery and on edge, my mind races, etc). I guess I'm just asking for a little guidance from someone who knows what I am going through (or not). The feelings I feel suck ass and I'm stuck here for one more month before I can go back to California and start over. The gym helps, writing has helped a little, talking to friends helps, but I guess only time can heal the pain. I'm open to all suggestions/advice and I know you all are good for it. Thanks everyone and I'll be around a lot more once I get back to Cali. Nate.
- 05-19-2006, 12:27 PM
I feel your pain NateDogg It is going to be hard the next few months ..The thing to remember between both of you , is how scared the kids are going to be.. Their whole world is going to be turned upside down, and it will take both of you to help them through it.. Just try and keep as busy as possible, go out with your friends even for a little while , you won't feel like it but you need to . Go to the gym , do something different ..volunteer in your area to help coach youth teams. In the end time is the only healing power. Make sure you have family and friends available to talk to if your having a rough time.. Take a long weekend and do something by yourself you have always wanted to try and do.Just make sure you both devote extra attention and love to the kids and try not to talk hateful or resentful around them.
- 05-19-2006, 12:30 PM
When I read your location.... I thought it was because of work or something other than this. Damn Nate... sorry to hear bro.
I won't even to pretend to rationalize the feelings I would have if that happened to me. Especially out of no where like that. Just know that in time, things will work themselves into a new era and you WILL be okay.
Stay around friends and family and def don't quit the gym, not because you will lose size or anything like that... because it's something that you love and relate to and makes you feel like you.
Posting up the email addy... so email me...
From one fromer Marine to the next you know you got a "family" here... so use us.
Last edited by JonesersRX7; 05-23-2006 at 10:15 AM.
05-19-2006, 12:30 PM
Only through sacrifice and loss can greater knowledge and power be attained....
Very sorry to hear of your hardships....I had one really bad break-up in my past, there were no children involved...that must be hard....
This might sound silly, but maybe try finding a hobby...when my relationship ended, I learned to play the piano...It was a great emotional outlet plus it took my mind off of the emotional torrent in my body....And I still play to this day...An unfair trade, I know.....My one true love for the ability to play the piano...But it has helped over the years. Have you ever been interested in learning a second language? or maybe a musical instrument?
Also, on a different note...There was an article posted here not too long ago that stated the possibility that cortisol causes stress not vice versa as originally thought...So maybe try some cortisol blockers?
Keep your head high, bro
And if worse comes to worse....you can always go out and screw everything with a pulse
05-19-2006, 12:45 PM
You mentioned three weeks ago that she told you it was over. As those three weeks passed was there any change, or hint of change, in her mind? At this point do you feel there is any hope at all of things being repaired and working out between you two, for the childrens' sake?
I think myfathersboy's suggestion of taking up a new hobby is an idea worth looking into.
Above all else I am really sorry man, and am pulling for you and your family to come out of this alright.
05-19-2006, 12:46 PM
Damn bro. Been there done that. Without knowing more details all I can say is hang in there and put your kids frist.
Where in So cal are you going to be?
05-19-2006, 12:51 PM
What gym r u working out at, r u at the base here in Wichita???
05-19-2006, 12:52 PM
Nate, I have not lost my wife yet, but we have come close to it. Truth is, you have to deal with it, and understand that you always love her, as she has had your 2 children, but also know that you will and can find someone else. Hobbys are great and you will vent alot of negative issues through your hobby. Talking is great also as you can address issues with yourself, and things to look for in yourself and your relationship. We are here for you, and use us.
05-19-2006, 12:59 PM
First off, I'm really sorry to hear of your break-up. The only advice I can offer is to focus on whatever positive memories you can drum up about your guys' relationship. That probably sound stupid right now, but if you cannot stop thinking about it/her you may as well remember every good thing you ever thought about her as opposed to the bad, that way you can focus on a positive reference point to help you move on.
05-19-2006, 01:16 PM
Hey Nate. Although this situation I cannot relate to I wish you the best and hope things get straightened out quickly. Things will get better soon. Meantime be strong for your children. They will need you.
05-19-2006, 02:25 PM
I don't know directly what you are going through. You may want to see if your wife would be willing to go to counseling prior to throwing in the towel. You have a relationship, a family and have taken vows (to, with and under God, I assume). That is a lot to give up; and she should be willing to do so only after doing the hard work of "making sure that is the only conclusion".
Running away from problems (as it appears she has) only dumps on others, and without a lot of hard work - the problems remain. I would hope she would agree to do everything she can to make it work; if for no other reason than to set an example for the kids that commitment isn't fleeting.
I would suggest doing what you can to get into counseling together; and if not together, then you may want to consider it alone. People look at emotional issues as if we should have all the answers, and we just don't. When people have serious medical issues they normally seek professional help; the same should be true for dealing with an emotional trama. Having someone dismiss you is indeed an emotional trama.
I'm honestly sorry for the situation you've been placed in. If you have a relationship with God, you might look to him.
05-19-2006, 02:48 PM
Hey Nate. Sorry you're in so much pain, bro. Although we never had any kids, I went through the same thing with a woman I was w/for 8 years so I know, almost exactly, what you're going through. All I can tell you is that the pain will fade, somewhat with time. I don't think you ever get over it but eventually you do get on with it. The pain is unbearable at times and you may find yourself wanting to self-medicate w/alcohol and other things. Trust me...BAD IDEA! My break-up was almost like 10 years ago and while I've moved on and am in love with someone BETTER, every now and again the pain resurfaces. Like I'll have a dream about her or whatnot. I'm just able to deal with it better and nip that sh*t in the bud. You're going to go through periods where you try to make sense of it all and blame yourself which will then turn into blaming her. Then there's the anger (which helped me ALOT!) and then there's acceptance. I don't think there is really anything that will take your pain away but just know that you will survive and be a better man for it. You may not understand this now or for many years but you will. Good luck and stay strong, brother.
05-19-2006, 02:53 PM
Been there, done that and she kept the T-shirt. Hell, i;mgoing through the stress part of it all over again now but it's work related. People will tell you to let it go or to keep busy or to make friends but honestly man, you're not going to be able to until some time passes because this is a major event in your life.
Panic/anxiety attacks are rough and the depression associated to it can lead to behaviors you're not usually accustomed to. You can force yourself to fight them off on the outside but the feels are still swelling up inside and it'll rip you apart unless you find someone to just spill your guts to.
Keep yourself healthy through this as you learn to cope because you have children that depend on you and family/friends that love you. Stay away from anything that you may normally consume in moderation like alcohol, drugs etc. You'll have a tendancy to lose that control. eat healthy and stay away from areas/place/events that will remind you of your life with your wife. Don't sleep through everything because that world isn't real and won't last. Get up and get out and stay focused on so much meaningless garbage that you have very little time to zoom in on those thoughts and return the bouts of depression and anxiety.
If you have the money get a temp therapist and if you don't get a friend who will just listen while you rant.
God bless and you'll pull through this because you're a good father and fathers are always there for their children no matter what.
05-21-2006, 04:20 PM
Im gone for a couple of months and this is what I come back to?! Sorry to hear/read what is going on. My parents seperated when I was 5 so I kind of remember alot of what it was like from a childs standpoint. Hit me up when you get this.
05-21-2006, 04:38 PM
I'm sorry to hear that Nate.
Good luck with everything. Just remember to think of the kids. (I went through my parents ugly divorce at age 12.)
05-21-2006, 08:31 PM
Damn, Nate, this is sucks. All I can tell you is try to meditate. Look up with your eyes closed and imagine a bright light coming down to the top of your head, it should help you to calm down and get rid of some negativity. I'll pray for you, man, stay strong.
05-23-2006, 11:58 AM
Thanks bro. Haven't been around much so I was unable to get your address, but your thoughts are appreciated. Trust me, I'm going as strong as ever in the gym. I'll definately be throwing up some pics when I get back to cali for motivational purposes.Originally Posted by JonesersRX7
05-23-2006, 12:02 PM
Heh, sounds bad, but I've already had a couple of ladies in the past 3 weeks and have a nice little side trip to Vegas all planned out for my drive back to cali. Nothing like some meaningless sex to heal emotional anguish.Originally Posted by myfathersboy
05-23-2006, 12:05 PM
Thanks. I have tried and tried but she has made up her mind. I've cried way too much to cry anymore. I think it's time for me to move on with my life. I do plan on taking up surfing and snowboarding once I get back. I've always wanted to do those things, but never really got a chance to.Originally Posted by BigCasino
05-23-2006, 12:07 PM
I'll be in Fresno for a while. Once I get my RN I'll probably move to SoCal near the San Diego area. Not really sure yet. And I will always put my children first. I fuking miss the $hit out of them already.Originally Posted by refrieddreams
05-23-2006, 12:08 PM
Yep, Sheppard AFB.Originally Posted by RipdnTxs
05-23-2006, 12:11 PM
Thanks and thank you to everyone else. I tried talking her into counseling, but she said it was too late. I believe her mind is made up and her and I were just not meant to be. $hit sucks, but in the end I believe it will make me a better person.Originally Posted by Beau
05-23-2006, 12:13 PM
Meaningless sex is cool, but all in all its just that. Just know you are worth love and Hapiness, and someday A woman will except all of you and your faults and vice versa. God Bless my Brother.
05-23-2006, 12:16 PM
I'll post it up real quick...
Def hit me up as you never know when you'll be through AZ and it's good to have friends all over.
05-23-2006, 12:17 PM
I hear you. It's more of a temporary fix, but I need whatever relief I can get at this point. I look forward to the day I can be with someone who makes me feel like the luckiest man on earth. I think my wife was right when she said we make better friends than lovers. You live, you learn.Originally Posted by Apowerz6
05-23-2006, 12:18 PM
Got it. Thanks man.Originally Posted by JonesersRX7
Got yours too Drew.
05-23-2006, 12:37 PM
Originally Posted by natedogg
Once you get to San Diego let me know, I can hook you up with board and a wetsuit.
We can paddle out a few times.
05-23-2006, 02:34 PM
Bro, I had my run at meaningless sex after my breakup. I was on a freaking tear for a while. (9 in 2 months), now avoiding phone calls and "pop ins" on crazy chick is paying it's toll.Originally Posted by natedogg
It is fun for a while but does have it's toll. I got a call from an X saying that one girl I was seeing was known for being Psyco with guys, and the 14 phone calls I got yesterday are starting to show she is right.
05-30-2006, 12:37 PM
Hell yeah. I'm gonna hit up the beach when I get back and hopefully find someone that can show me a few things.Originally Posted by refrieddreams
05-30-2006, 12:42 PM
Damn. Sorry to hear that. That's the last thing I want. It would be easy for me to pull off, but probably not worth it for several reasons in the long run. I just want to start having fun again. I have a lot of shiat planned over the next couple of years and I'm sure some other stuff will come up during that time. Just trying to stay positive brother. In fact, once I start getting on here regularly lets exchange emails and maybe I can head down there for a few days. I miss SoCal.Originally Posted by refrieddreams
10-21-2007, 08:20 AM
Amazing how much can happen in just a year. I haven't been here much at all (I last logged on in February) and that sucks. I remember when I used to post several times a day. Probably to the point where I annoyed most people, especially my little ho, Beelzebub. lol. It's weird, but even though most of us have never met, you kind of form a bond with people. We all share a common interest and for the most part are able to communicate in a fairly humorous and intelligent manner. I know I'd be hella cool with most of those whom I communicated with on here in the past. Not only that, but a lot of you had some really kind words to say when my wife called it quits last year. I still struggle with that sometimes. But I feel, especially lately, that my life is really starting to take off again. I haven't felt as good as I do now in a long, long time. In fact, as soon as I get back from Kuwait in January, I begin nursing school at Fresno State. That alone has changed my outlook. Not only that, but my children are doing better than ever. If anything, Ally and Ace have been my saving grace. Without them I think I might have lost it. Iím not going to bore you with details, because there is so much to talk about, but I just wanted to stop in, say hi, and hopefully hear from some of my old pals and hopefully some new ones too. Much love, Nate.
Note: As old as this thread is, I just realized I spelled separation incorrectly. haha.
10-21-2007, 10:26 AM
good to hear from you. I was MIA from AM for a year plus with personal stuff, and I just started bumping around here again a couple months ago. The truth is that as life continues to happen, we just have to roll with it. We do share a number of common interests here, which makes it a really unique experience. I find more in common with some of you in the forums than I do with many people in day to day life, and yet because of our varied locations, we only meet and talk in cyberspace. Nonetheless, there is a lot of love, care, and concern here. I feel honored to share time with the people who show up here.
10-21-2007, 03:28 PM
Never been married but hey we have all had are hearts broken, I am sorry, it is always harder when kids are involved!!!
But your right, no more crying, I recently started having panic attacks, I think with work, school (RN) and just life, it all adds up only thing is when it's almost done I puke.....Great huh??LOL
Well I am wishing you well, start to focus on you, what you want, reach for the unreachable and remember things always get better.....
Wishing you well,
RIP Ryan, :(
10-22-2007, 12:31 AM
Thanks. Milwood, well put, as usual. Even though you're old enough to be my father you're still a cool ass dude. toughchick, I remember a lot of the problems you had mentioned in the past and I was always was amazed at how you were able to stay so positive. Awesome attitude. Hopefully I'll see some more of you old timers pop up. I plan on frequenting the board more often now. Take care. Nate.
10-22-2007, 01:20 AM
There's been a few of us right where you are now. I was there more than once with my ex wife...and its absolute hell. I'd wake up cursing the morning mostly because I lived through the night. Waking up with physical pain that felt like a blender let loose on the inside of my body was unbearable at times. I lived, and I dealt with the best I knew how, just one ****ing day at a time.
You are dead on that time will heal it, and thats about it. Rather than go on about this or that it might be easier to give some small advice that really helped me out, and was more like a PRT (post relationship therapy) than being cut loose from my moorings and left to drift aimlessly at sea until I happened to find my bearings.....
1. Have some friends you can just be around. You don't need to talk about it exactly. You're already thinking about it. Just have some people you can be around. Watch a movie, bs about something else just to give yourself and possibly your mind a break for a minute.
2. Don't go out and get hammered. Save the drinking for when you're on your feet and in a good mood. All that will do right now is amplify your feelings. You do'nt need that right now really. You need to see things for what they are, not what alcohol will make you see them for.
3. Don't go out and hook up with a bunch of bar sluts. It sounds like an awesome idea...but right now isn't the time.
Allow yourself to hurt, allow yourself to think. Don't blame you and don't blame her. It is what it is. Deal with what is NOW not what was then. Don't set a time limit on when you are going to 'start over'. It will happen when it happens. If you force it, you'll be right back here in record time, except you'll be recovering from 2 instead of 1.
Remain civil for the children. You'll be in your ex's life forever. You don't have to like her, but she is related to your children. Kids perceive alot more than anyone ever realizes.
Long story short:
If you have a set of gears, that have unmatching tooth pitches, the gears won't mesh. Which gear is to blame? Neither. It just aint gonna work that way.
Find a new gear.
10-22-2007, 04:17 AM
Oh man, I could have used some of that insight last year. I totally lost control after we broke up. I went out…a lot, got drunk…a lot, slept around even more and said things to her that I shouldn’t have. The funny thing is now, we get along great. In fact, there is actually a possibility of us getting back together. She still has a hard time with some of the things I did after our split, but at the same time, she totally understands. She even regrets giving up on the marriage and thinks that we could have been fine if we had just gotten back together and worked out our issues. Will it happen? That has yet to be determined. I’m still in love with her though and honestly, I told her I would wait until she had come to a decision before I moved on. Could it end up hurting me in the end? I don’t think so. I’m prepared for it and I’m really not counting on it. Besides, I’m in no rush to get myself into another relationship. I just want her to know that she’s the only person I want to be with. If it takes a little self discipline on my part, (and trust me, it’s really hard) then so be it. It has taken over a year for me to feel normal again. But now that I’m over that hump, I feel excellent. Life is much too short to dwell on the past and I have much too much to live for. Right now I’m focusing on me and what I need to accomplish and my children whom I love more than life itself. Thanks for the advice. Nate.
10-23-2007, 08:07 PM
Sounds like your going to be ok, yeah I have had my more than fair share, but that's life right??? LOL I truely wish you all the best, and hope it comes out to be what you want in the end......Sometimes talking helps, and it always helps to know your not alone.............
PS....nursing program huh??!!! Good for you, I am currently going throught it and my god, it's going to be hard but in the end worth it...........just keep looking towards the light at the end of the LONG road...........
RIP Ryan, :(
10-24-2007, 12:42 AM
10-24-2007, 07:37 AM
I feel for you, I'm divorced with three kids and it does make it hard. Although I have no desire to be back with my ex so that makes it easier.
Nursing huh, I wish I had the stomach for it, but I don't
10-24-2007, 01:55 PM
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