That Guy in the Gym

tattoopierced1

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off of College Humor.com

I'll Be That Guy At The Gym:

Well kids, Spring is here and we all know that the changing of the seasons can only mean one thing: I only have three months to get in shape for summer. That’s right, because if I want to be that guy at the summer barbecue who has his shirt off for no apparent reason, I’m going to have to drop a few pounds to get in peak physical condition. Yes, Spring Break was Spring Training for an entire Summer Season of inexplicable shirtlessness. So, I’m going to have to put in a few extra hours at the gym, here are some simple ways to find me. By the way, can I get a spot?

1) I always forget what I look like.
Yeah, that’s why I’m always looking in every single mirror, like eight ****ing times in between each one of my eighteen sets of bicep curls. What did you think, that I was just some vain ******* who has a Narcissistic complex and simply cannot get enough of looking at myself? Wow, you were way off, I have Self-Image Amnesia, it is a mental condition that inhibits my ability to remember what I look like, it’s even harder to remember what I look like when I flex. Ask your doctor, I swear it’s real.

2) I do abs for, like, an entire ****ing hour.
Yeah, well no ****, abs are the cornerstone to any perfect body, and if there is one thing that I have learned it is that rock-hard abs are rock-hard to obtain. And besides, if I think that I am ever going to get that girl in the green pants that for some reason have “PINK” written in blue letters across her ass to want me, I am going to need my secret weapon: Abdominal Definition. No girl can resist it, even if she likes other girls. If I am not doing abs, you might be able to find me in front of a mirror wiping my face with my shirt, actually just checking out my own abs. Damn you, Self-Image Amnesia!!!


3) I wear nice clothes to the gym.
Hey, just because I am at the gym doesn’t mean that I have to wear old clothes. Sure, this “work-outfit” cost me nearly $100 total, but what do you expect? I got it from Abercrombie and it totally sets me apart from all the slobs wearing their high school basketball shorts and sweatshirts. I mean don’t they know how stupid they look, their shirts aren’t even tucked in. And yes, I am wearing hair gel. Why are you laughing?

4) I make unnecessarily loud grunts whenever I do anything.
Well, it’s not just me who should see how much weight I’m lifting, everyone should be forced to turn and investigate whether an anal rape is taking place or I just beat my own personal bench record when they hear the guttural sounds that come from my mouth. Sure, I act like I’m doing it for myself, and I don’t even realize that anyone else is there…but who am I kidding? I wasn’t hugged enough as a child and now I need attention, watch me!

5) I spend half my time in the gym ****ing with my iPod.
Hey, it’s hard to have that perfect lift if you don’t have the right music. And I have so many badass songs on my iPod to choose from, I mean sometimes I can just put on some Limp Bizkit and listen to it the whole time. But most of the time it’s hard for me to decide whether or not I am in a Godsmack mood or more of a Puddle of Mudd mood. And when all else fails, you can’t go wrong with a little Nickelback, I just wish they got more airplay on the radio.

6) I let everyone else know how I do things.
Hey, I’m not trying to hide the secret to the perfect body all to myself, so I am not too good to give tips to people who aren’t working out the same way that I do, or as I call it: the wrong way. Hey, doing sit-ups in the corner of the REC by yourself? I bet you do want to hear my ab routine! Are you on the bench press? Well then, let me let you in on the secret that gave me the perfect chest. Oh, you don’t want a huge chest because it is pointless in today’s society to be ridiculously strong? Well, uh, **** you, I’m huge! You don’t deserve a body like mine! Are you even listening?!? No, YOU go away. **** it, where’s a mirror?

So there you have it kids, the summer will be coming up before you know it and if you want to be ripped and shirtless this summer you better hit the gym. Now, how about that spot?
 
Apowerz6

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I am sorry Tat but i take OFFENSE to no 1!!! The mirror is my best friend. :lol:
 
fbxdan

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LMAO. This is a great post. There's a swarm of punk ass kids flooding in my gym that fits all of those criteria. The worst is this one kid that just does abs and biceps. And then he lifts up his shirt and says "bam" and flashes his abs in the mirror. Next time he does that, im going to say "bam" and clock him in the chin.
 

MaynardMeek

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my gym isn't pretty enough to have those people. you go, you lift, you run, you leave.. sure you can tan if you want, but we have two booths, no pool, no steam room.. no butt kicker things, rubber bands etc etc.. in fact.. you have to pass an ugly test to even get the application for the gym
 
refrieddreams

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And then he lifts up his shirt and says "bam" and flashes his abs in the mirror. Next time he does that, im going to say "bam" and clock him in the chin.
Next time pick up a 20 pound dumbell, "Bam, right back atcha" and clock him in the head!
 
Mulletsoldier

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That was awesome...I hate dirtballs like that, that's why I am glad there are two floors to my gym..The first is a cardio room, dumbells only, and hydraulic machines..The second is the dungeon, literally, equipment from the 70's and just the way I like it..It's sweet because the DB's upstairs only goto 65 so they keep the fairies at bay
 
Mulletsoldier

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No...The DB's downstairs goto 140..The lightweights are upstairs, so the dirtbags stay up there
 
Basso

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:goodpost: Dang, I thought those guys dressed all pretty were punks, guess it's time to get rid of my old ripped up workout clothes and head to Abercumbeeee. Does that mean I need to use the bar pad when I squat?
 
refrieddreams

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Well if it isn't Basso...my my Tetris nemeses.
 

MaynardMeek

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:rofl:Well if it isn't Basso...my my Tetris nemeses.
 
Jayhawkk

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5) I spend half my time in the gym ****ing with my iPod.

I have to admit that one is me. Of course, different music but I like to listen to certain songs depending on what i'm doing. I figure motivation is motivation :p
 

theshocker21

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5) I spend half my time in the gym ****ing with my iPod.

I have to admit that one is me. Of course, different music but I like to listen to certain songs depending on what i'm doing. I figure motivation is motivation :p
That is me too :run:
 

idunk42

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3) I wear nice clothes to the gym.
Hey, just because I am at the gym doesn’t mean that I have to wear old clothes. Sure, this “work-outfit” cost me nearly $100 total, but what do you expect? I got it from Abercrombie and it totally sets me apart from all the slobs wearing their high school basketball shorts and sweatshirts. I mean don’t they know how stupid they look, their shirts aren’t even tucked in. And yes, I am wearing hair gel. Why are you laughing?
Definitely saw this guy yesterday. Douche bag was wearing khaki pants, with a polo shirt tucked in, with some Dr. Martins on. :icon_lol:
 
Mulletsoldier

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Some guy comes to my gym and DOES HIS HAIR BEFORE HE GOES INTO THE GYM!!..Man that pisses me off so much it's unbelievable
 

VitaminT

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Haha I agree--funny stuff! But at least this guy isn't 'creepy naked guy that tries to start a conversation in the locker room'.
 

tattoopierced1

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Haha I agree--funny stuff! But at least this guy isn't 'creepy naked guy that tries to start a conversation in the locker room'.
i got that one beat. There is a guy about 4'10" in the gym that calls himself the "great dane". He's all of 110lbs and thinks he's the man. So my workout partner was changing in the locker room and he walks in, takes his clothes off and starts to show him how to squat...naked. My buddy was appalled as he should be that this guy was trying to show him how to squat while naked..that is just uncalled for.
 

Zebinator

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i got that one beat. There is a guy about 4'10" in the gym that calls himself the "great dane". He's all of 110lbs and thinks he's the man. So my workout partner was changing in the locker room and he walks in, takes his clothes off and starts to show him how to squat...naked. My buddy was appalled as he should be that this guy was trying to show him how to squat while naked..that is just uncalled for.
Now that.....is very nasty. :blink:
 
Pitbull954

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Come on guys please stop making fun of me....... :icon_lol: :icon_lol:
 

ndfan

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I can't wait for them to be out os school for the summer, not.
I'll just have to hit the gym early in the morning before they roll their asses out of bed to get my workout in and not want to pop one of them in the head for taking up space and bs ing with their friends.
 

VitaminT

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i got that one beat. There is a guy about 4'10" in the gym that calls himself the "great dane". He's all of 110lbs and thinks he's the man. So my workout partner was changing in the locker room and he walks in, takes his clothes off and starts to show him how to squat...naked. My buddy was appalled as he should be that this guy was trying to show him how to squat while naked..that is just uncalled for.
You beat me! Heh, I just say no really loud whenever somebody asks me if I want to see something cool in the locker room.
 

Sooty

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Some people may find your post offensive, so it has been deleted.
-jblaze
 
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brandozzz

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Some guy comes to my gym and DOES HIS HAIR BEFORE HE GOES INTO THE GYM!!..Man that pisses me off so much it's unbelievable
bro so what if i do my hair ?
are you jealous of my beautuful features :wtf:
 
NickyNoNames

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i work overnights so i get to the gym after my shift at 6am, so you already know none of those kids will be there at that time. :trout: (ps, why is this guy hittin this other guy in the eye with a fish?)
 

idunk42

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i work overnights so i get to the gym after my shift at 6am, so you already know none of those kids will be there at that time. :trout: (ps, why is this guy hittin this other guy in the eye with a fish?)
Its just a good ole fashion fish bop!!!! (i have no idea what the hell im talking about. :blink: )
 
Beelzebub

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i work overnights so i get to the gym after my shift at 6am, so you already know none of those kids will be there at that time. :trout: (ps, why is this guy hittin this other guy in the eye with a fish?)
only thing that comes to mind is the howard stern show. one of the characters 'high pitch eric' is terrified of fish, so they chase him around with a gigantic salmon from time to time.
 

idunk42

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only thing that comes to mind is the howard stern show. one of the characters 'high pitch eric' is terrified of fish, so they chase him around with a gigantic salmon from time to time.
:rofl: I've actually seen an episode with him in it. They were gonna give him an XBox if he would just touch the fish, and he wouldnt. "I hate fish!":trout:
 
ahsbaseball08

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haha, i see this alot now that i think about it.
 
ahsbaseball08

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Where i workout, thiers this really buff mexican decent dude(no offense ONCE so ever) That wears TIGHT abercrombie&fitch shirts EVERY DAY hes in thier. I would ask him why, but he might eat me. So i leave it be... lol
 
motive

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how bout the guys that put 20 plates on everything they do. then have their 3 spotters lift it completely for them, but pretend they are lifting it
 
NickyNoNames

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my gym is more like a fashion show..and me with my cut off shirts and gym shorts... Its really funny though how people come in with designer clothes on--I saw some guy the other day decked out in armani exchange, I almost went up to him and was like "wtf???:think: :think: "
ya, i find it great when some skinny kid is walking around with a fresh new tight expensive tanktop lookin at himself and im right next to him in my old ass clothes wearin a t shirt thats 2 sizes to big for me pushin up 5 times the weight he is, and being probably 5 times the size he his.

i dont get people.. im not saying im huge, but i was at one point in my gym life a skinny kid.. i never walked around wearin **** like that, mostly because well, i knew i was skinny and i felt dumb doin that.. so i would always wear big shirts to the gym.. funny, now im at a size that people will compliment and i still wear big shirts.. i think im just so used to wearing loose shirts its what i wear, every now and then ill wear like a loose tank top just to shut put some people in there place.. (like those tight shirt wearin people) but i usually just wear loose shirts.
 
Chad

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i can be that guy at my gym b/c im the nastiest mofcuker there. no one rips it up like i do. so if i wanna fcuk with my ipod and pull up my $60 gym shorts in between doing sets of Db bench press with 145`s then ill do it. nothing wrong with looking good while you`re working out. i agree that if you`re a skinny punk ass kid with 9" arms then you should have on a shirt with sleaves. but im there for me. i dont really care what everyone else thinks.
 
swanee609

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i hate when that random person comes up to you and trys to show you something you no lol and as they are doin it they say like drab a weight and now its like they are testin you lol doin like some odd number of reps..and thats what i hate at the gym ppl bothering me lol i jsut get into a zone and do my workout.
 
b unit

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how bout the guys that put 20 plates on everything they do. then have their 3 spotters lift it completely for them, but pretend they are lifting it
dude i know what ya mean

there was a guy i knew once who was like that, there were spotters spotting spotters when he did his stuff, all the spotters would be stuffed after his set but he would be ready to go again, he never broke a sweat, used to be hilarious

this guy also had wraps for everything, knee wraps, elbow wraps, waist wraps, we called him the mummy!! lol

cheers b
 
motive

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dude i know what ya mean

there was a guy i knew once who was like that, there were spotters spotting spotters when he did his stuff, all the spotters would be stuffed after his set but he would be ready to go again, he never broke a sweat, used to be hilarious

this guy also had wraps for everything, knee wraps, elbow wraps, waist wraps, we called him the mummy!! lol

cheers b
the mummy :toofunny: :toofunny:

the best part is when the spotters look like bigger dudes than the lifter
 
motive

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got a new one as of yesterday!
this old skinny skinny guy comes in to the gym... spends about 30 minutes wrapping his knees ( over his jeans) with wraps. im expecting to see him go do some legs, but no....... he spent the entire time in the gym with the knee straps on and did a complete shoulder workout!!! wtf
 
bulls**t

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Listening to Godsmack is Abercrombie status now?

Uh oh...
 

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