That Guy in the Gym
- 04-28-2006, 02:17 PM
That Guy in the Gym
off of College Humor.com
I'll Be That Guy At The Gym:
Well kids, Spring is here and we all know that the changing of the seasons can only mean one thing: I only have three months to get in shape for summer. Thatís right, because if I want to be that guy at the summer barbecue who has his shirt off for no apparent reason, Iím going to have to drop a few pounds to get in peak physical condition. Yes, Spring Break was Spring Training for an entire Summer Season of inexplicable shirtlessness. So, Iím going to have to put in a few extra hours at the gym, here are some simple ways to find me. By the way, can I get a spot?
1) I always forget what I look like.
Yeah, thatís why Iím always looking in every single mirror, like eight ****ing times in between each one of my eighteen sets of bicep curls. What did you think, that I was just some vain ******* who has a Narcissistic complex and simply cannot get enough of looking at myself? Wow, you were way off, I have Self-Image Amnesia, it is a mental condition that inhibits my ability to remember what I look like, itís even harder to remember what I look like when I flex. Ask your doctor, I swear itís real.
2) I do abs for, like, an entire ****ing hour.
Yeah, well no ****, abs are the cornerstone to any perfect body, and if there is one thing that I have learned it is that rock-hard abs are rock-hard to obtain. And besides, if I think that I am ever going to get that girl in the green pants that for some reason have ďPINKĒ written in blue letters across her ass to want me, I am going to need my secret weapon: Abdominal Definition. No girl can resist it, even if she likes other girls. If I am not doing abs, you might be able to find me in front of a mirror wiping my face with my shirt, actually just checking out my own abs. Damn you, Self-Image Amnesia!!!
3) I wear nice clothes to the gym.
Hey, just because I am at the gym doesnít mean that I have to wear old clothes. Sure, this ďwork-outfitĒ cost me nearly $100 total, but what do you expect? I got it from Abercrombie and it totally sets me apart from all the slobs wearing their high school basketball shorts and sweatshirts. I mean donít they know how stupid they look, their shirts arenít even tucked in. And yes, I am wearing hair gel. Why are you laughing?
4) I make unnecessarily loud grunts whenever I do anything.
Well, itís not just me who should see how much weight Iím lifting, everyone should be forced to turn and investigate whether an anal rape is taking place or I just beat my own personal bench record when they hear the guttural sounds that come from my mouth. Sure, I act like Iím doing it for myself, and I donít even realize that anyone else is thereÖbut who am I kidding? I wasnít hugged enough as a child and now I need attention, watch me!
5) I spend half my time in the gym ****ing with my iPod.
Hey, itís hard to have that perfect lift if you donít have the right music. And I have so many badass songs on my iPod to choose from, I mean sometimes I can just put on some Limp Bizkit and listen to it the whole time. But most of the time itís hard for me to decide whether or not I am in a Godsmack mood or more of a Puddle of Mudd mood. And when all else fails, you canít go wrong with a little Nickelback, I just wish they got more airplay on the radio.
6) I let everyone else know how I do things.
Hey, Iím not trying to hide the secret to the perfect body all to myself, so I am not too good to give tips to people who arenít working out the same way that I do, or as I call it: the wrong way. Hey, doing sit-ups in the corner of the REC by yourself? I bet you do want to hear my ab routine! Are you on the bench press? Well then, let me let you in on the secret that gave me the perfect chest. Oh, you donít want a huge chest because it is pointless in todayís society to be ridiculously strong? Well, uh, **** you, Iím huge! You donít deserve a body like mine! Are you even listening?!? No, YOU go away. **** it, whereís a mirror?
So there you have it kids, the summer will be coming up before you know it and if you want to be ripped and shirtless this summer you better hit the gym. Now, how about that spot?
- 04-28-2006, 02:21 PM
- 04-28-2006, 02:28 PM
LMAO. This is a great post. There's a swarm of punk ass kids flooding in my gym that fits all of those criteria. The worst is this one kid that just does abs and biceps. And then he lifts up his shirt and says "bam" and flashes his abs in the mirror. Next time he does that, im going to say "bam" and clock him in the chin.
04-28-2006, 02:34 PM
my gym isn't pretty enough to have those people. you go, you lift, you run, you leave.. sure you can tan if you want, but we have two booths, no pool, no steam room.. no butt kicker things, rubber bands etc etc.. in fact.. you have to pass an ugly test to even get the application for the gym
04-28-2006, 02:41 PM
Next time pick up a 20 pound dumbell, "Bam, right back atcha" and clock him in the head!Originally Posted by fbxdan
04-28-2006, 02:46 PM
That was awesome...I hate dirtballs like that, that's why I am glad there are two floors to my gym..The first is a cardio room, dumbells only, and hydraulic machines..The second is the dungeon, literally, equipment from the 70's and just the way I like it..It's sweet because the DB's upstairs only goto 65 so they keep the fairies at bay
04-28-2006, 02:48 PM
04-28-2006, 02:49 PM
04-28-2006, 03:29 PM
Dang, I thought those guys dressed all pretty were punks, guess it's time to get rid of my old ripped up workout clothes and head to Abercumbeeee. Does that mean I need to use the bar pad when I squat?
04-28-2006, 03:35 PM
04-28-2006, 03:41 PM
04-28-2006, 03:49 PM
04-28-2006, 04:24 PM
04-28-2006, 04:32 PM
5) I spend half my time in the gym ****ing with my iPod.
I have to admit that one is me. Of course, different music but I like to listen to certain songs depending on what i'm doing. I figure motivation is motivation :P
04-28-2006, 04:36 PM
04-28-2006, 08:19 PM
04-28-2006, 09:10 PM
04-28-2006, 11:20 PM
04-29-2006, 10:58 AM
04-29-2006, 11:11 AM
Definitely saw this guy yesterday. Douche bag was wearing khaki pants, with a polo shirt tucked in, with some Dr. Martins on.Originally Posted by tattoopierced1
04-29-2006, 04:57 PM
Some guy comes to my gym and DOES HIS HAIR BEFORE HE GOES INTO THE GYM!!..Man that pisses me off so much it's unbelievable
04-29-2006, 05:29 PM
04-29-2006, 06:37 PM
Haha I agree--funny stuff! But at least this guy isn't 'creepy naked guy that tries to start a conversation in the locker room'.
04-30-2006, 10:14 AM
i got that one beat. There is a guy about 4'10" in the gym that calls himself the "great dane". He's all of 110lbs and thinks he's the man. So my workout partner was changing in the locker room and he walks in, takes his clothes off and starts to show him how to squat...naked. My buddy was appalled as he should be that this guy was trying to show him how to squat while naked..that is just uncalled for.Originally Posted by VitaminT
04-30-2006, 11:12 AM
04-30-2006, 11:21 AM
04-30-2006, 01:05 PM
I can't wait for them to be out os school for the summer, not.
I'll just have to hit the gym early in the morning before they roll their asses out of bed to get my workout in and not want to pop one of them in the head for taking up space and bs ing with their friends.
04-30-2006, 01:57 PM
You beat me! Heh, I just say no really loud whenever somebody asks me if I want to see something cool in the locker room.Originally Posted by tattoopierced1
04-30-2006, 06:16 PM
Some people may find your post offensive, so it has been deleted.
Last edited by JBlaze; 04-30-2006 at 10:18 PM.
05-01-2006, 11:54 AM
05-01-2006, 02:50 PM
bro so what if i do my hair ?Originally Posted by Mulletsoldier
are you jealous of my beautuful features
05-01-2006, 02:51 PM
05-01-2006, 04:29 PM
05-01-2006, 04:34 PM
05-01-2006, 06:23 PM
i work overnights so i get to the gym after my shift at 6am, so you already know none of those kids will be there at that time. (ps, why is this guy hittin this other guy in the eye with a fish?)
05-01-2006, 07:57 PM
Its just a good ole fashion fish bop!!!! (i have no idea what the hell im talking about. )Originally Posted by NickyNoNames
05-02-2006, 02:37 AM
05-03-2006, 02:35 PM
only thing that comes to mind is the howard stern show. one of the characters 'high pitch eric' is terrified of fish, so they chase him around with a gigantic salmon from time to time.Originally Posted by NickyNoNames
05-03-2006, 02:39 PM
I've actually seen an episode with him in it. They were gonna give him an XBox if he would just touch the fish, and he wouldnt. "I hate fish!"Originally Posted by Beelzebub
08-14-2007, 08:45 PM
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