off of College Humor.com
I'll Be That Guy At The Gym:
Well kids, Spring is here and we all know that the changing of the seasons can only mean one thing: I only have three months to get in shape for summer. Thatís right, because if I want to be that guy at the summer barbecue who has his shirt off for no apparent reason, Iím going to have to drop a few pounds to get in peak physical condition. Yes, Spring Break was Spring Training for an entire Summer Season of inexplicable shirtlessness. So, Iím going to have to put in a few extra hours at the gym, here are some simple ways to find me. By the way, can I get a spot?
1) I always forget what I look like.
Yeah, thatís why Iím always looking in every single mirror, like eight ****ing times in between each one of my eighteen sets of bicep curls. What did you think, that I was just some vain ******* who has a Narcissistic complex and simply cannot get enough of looking at myself? Wow, you were way off, I have Self-Image Amnesia, it is a mental condition that inhibits my ability to remember what I look like, itís even harder to remember what I look like when I flex. Ask your doctor, I swear itís real.
2) I do abs for, like, an entire ****ing hour.
Yeah, well no ****, abs are the cornerstone to any perfect body, and if there is one thing that I have learned it is that rock-hard abs are rock-hard to obtain. And besides, if I think that I am ever going to get that girl in the green pants that for some reason have ďPINKĒ written in blue letters across her ass to want me, I am going to need my secret weapon: Abdominal Definition. No girl can resist it, even if she likes other girls. If I am not doing abs, you might be able to find me in front of a mirror wiping my face with my shirt, actually just checking out my own abs. Damn you, Self-Image Amnesia!!!
3) I wear nice clothes to the gym.
Hey, just because I am at the gym doesnít mean that I have to wear old clothes. Sure, this ďwork-outfitĒ cost me nearly $100 total, but what do you expect? I got it from Abercrombie and it totally sets me apart from all the slobs wearing their high school basketball shorts and sweatshirts. I mean donít they know how stupid they look, their shirts arenít even tucked in. And yes, I am wearing hair gel. Why are you laughing?
4) I make unnecessarily loud grunts whenever I do anything.
Well, itís not just me who should see how much weight Iím lifting, everyone should be forced to turn and investigate whether an anal rape is taking place or I just beat my own personal bench record when they hear the guttural sounds that come from my mouth. Sure, I act like Iím doing it for myself, and I donít even realize that anyone else is thereÖbut who am I kidding? I wasnít hugged enough as a child and now I need attention, watch me!
5) I spend half my time in the gym ****ing with my iPod.
Hey, itís hard to have that perfect lift if you donít have the right music. And I have so many badass songs on my iPod to choose from, I mean sometimes I can just put on some Limp Bizkit and listen to it the whole time. But most of the time itís hard for me to decide whether or not I am in a Godsmack mood or more of a Puddle of Mudd mood. And when all else fails, you canít go wrong with a little Nickelback, I just wish they got more airplay on the radio.
6) I let everyone else know how I do things.
Hey, Iím not trying to hide the secret to the perfect body all to myself, so I am not too good to give tips to people who arenít working out the same way that I do, or as I call it: the wrong way. Hey, doing sit-ups in the corner of the REC by yourself? I bet you do want to hear my ab routine! Are you on the bench press? Well then, let me let you in on the secret that gave me the perfect chest. Oh, you donít want a huge chest because it is pointless in todayís society to be ridiculously strong? Well, uh, **** you, Iím huge! You donít deserve a body like mine! Are you even listening?!? No, YOU go away. **** it, whereís a mirror?
So there you have it kids, the summer will be coming up before you know it and if you want to be ripped and shirtless this summer you better hit the gym. Now, how about that spot?