Destroyed: My recent breakup
- 03-05-2006, 09:29 AM
Destroyed: My recent breakup
Well here I am 5 months later in heartbreak. 2 weeks ago from now, my girlfriend decided to call it quits on me. I had felt her slipping away and even had a dream about her having the talk with me.
It was a Saturday night after I had taken her out on a pretty expensive date. We were sitting on the couch and she kept on staring at me and asked me what I was thinking about. Then she asked me what I thought about us, I said that I was happy. She said she was too. But I sensed deceit. She then began to go on and say how she had a lotta things on her plate between her lease expiring, having to find a new place, not knowing if she was moving away or not, and trying to find a real job. I asked her if it was breakup talk. She said no. We went to bed and I brought it up again next morning. She then started to cry and I asked her if all the aforementioned meant that we shouldn't be together and she said until she figures things out. I asked her many questions trying to determine what was going on and most of her answers were "I don't know." I asked if I should take my sleeping shorts with me and she said no. I asked her if she wasn't facing these problems if we would still be having this talk. She said yes, because she also wants to figure out where we're going. I asked her if she felt like something was missing between us she said "herself". Also the fact that we didn't really have any serious talks. She also stated how she felt bad for acting *****y towards me as of lately. I noticed that she was having more mood swings than usual but ignored that. I was also feeling taken for granted at times in the past few weeks and I did feel her pushing me away at times. I kind of ignored those things as she would go back to her sweet self. She said that she cared about me so much and didn't want to treat mistreat me after I was so good to her. I asked her if she loves me. She said that she never told anyone that before I told her to email me and hoping that she would be able to explain better. She said she would and that she would call me also. I felt so sad and wondered why someone would kill something that was so beautiful. Those feelings turned to anger days later. I felt frustrated and confused.
I didn't hear from her until Wed. She told me she missed me and that we would get together and talk over the weekend. She sent me text messages afterwards and all seemed to be on the up and up. She called me back on Friday and asked me if it was okay to talk when she gets off of work that night. I also received her email. It was just a few pictures that she took of me and one of me and her together. All seemed good. She called me about 1:30am, I went over there and we hugged for about 5 minutes. I then tried to sat her on the couch and asked her if she was ready to talk. She tried to avoid it and kept cuddling on me. It was obvious that she didn't want to talk then. So we had sex. The next morning she finally brought us up again in the same fashion and stated how she hasn't been too happy lately, and that she didn't know why. She said that sometimes she felt that she wanted to move forward with us and other times she didn't know. Said how she was going to ask me if I wanted to move in but doesn't know anymore. I asked her if she was afraid of being hurt and if she was hurt in the past and she said "a little". She said that she still didn't know about us and I left it at that and went home. Normally I would have seen her that night and went home and slept with her after she got off work. But I decided to leave her alone.
I didn't hear from her at all. No text no call no emails. I did a lot of thinking during that time and realized a few things:
1. That our communication was kind of weak. I never asked her those burning questions that couples should ask each other b/c I was afraid of the answers.
2. That it was not all her fault. And took some of the blame for this. I knew it was my fault for letting too much slide (i.e. her ridiculous flirting when we were out), in order to avoid conflict.
3. Maybe it was my turn to take control of the situation and do my part to help repair and salvage this thing of ours.
With those three things in mind I decided that the game was over that it was time to lay my cards down and show them. Thinking that if I did my part that she would come around...
Thursday morning I paid her an unexpected visit and awakened her with a kiss. She embraced me, and I felt the loving vibes. I then told her that I came by b/c I cared about her and didn't want things to get worse. I also told her that I wanted to talk more this weekend. She said that she had the weekend off and told me to call her.
I called her Friday evening and she told me that she had plans to go out with her friends. I told her to call me later when she was out.
I went out at a club with my friends that night and was having a blast and then she showed up out of nowhere and the night took a very emotional turn. We hugged and small talked a bit. She said she was going to the bathroom. Then her friend and her boyfriend stated that the 2 of them were leaving. I assumed that she was going with them and thought that she had left w/o saying bye. I talked with some acquaintances about it and they offered me a sympathy shot. Then there she was again at the bar. I felt relieved and we began to play the boyfriend/girlfriend role again but there was a very emotional tension in the air. She pointed out that I was drinking again and asked why. I told her that she knows why. Finally I looked in her eyes and asked her "What happened?" That's when she began to whimper and said "don't do this in front of all these people" and then she started crying and ran off. I went around the club looking for her. Then I left and went to another place looking. I couldn't find her and she wouldn't answer her phone. Then finally she did answer. We went back to her place and that's when it happened. Both of us in tears. I asked her "what happened" and she said "I don't know". I asked "why?". Finally she told me that she felt like she really didn't know me since she didn't know about my past relationships. She also stated that she felt like I was hiding her since she had never met my parents, and she said that she didn't ever want to bring that up because she didn't think it was something she should have to ask. After telling her my thoughts about us and everything that I was afraid to tell her, I thought that was it and figured I would now be able to salvage our relationship, and asked her how she felt about it. She said the she felt like so much of herself has been wasted. That's when I finally got her to tell me that she is attracted to and now has feelings for a 38 year old man who frequents the restaurant that she works at. She's 22 She told me that she kissed him Monday night. I began to ask for specific details but that only made it worse. I still couldn't believe it. This is one of the worst things that has ever happened to me before. I told her that that this man didn't really effect how I felt about her, and that I wanted her back in my life. I told her that I loved her for the 1st time before we fell asleep. I didn't expect her to say it back, but after talking to her about why she's never said to anyone, she basically explained how she feels the same way but just doesn't want to say it.
The next morning we spoke on out communication issues and they seemed to be much better. I asked her if she was scared to talk to me about or ask me anything now. She said she wasn't. So that seemed like a step towards repair. After we got everything off of our chests I asked her if she felt that it was too late. She said that she hopes not. I spent the day talking to her and being close to her. Before I left I told her that I wanted to stay with her again. She replied "we'll see". I asked her if she'd call me later. She replied if I want her too. And then she said she would. I looked her in the eyes and told her I love her again for about the 5th time, and left.
She never called. But last night was basically a less touching version of the previous night. We bumped heads at the same place in the same manner. I asked her why she never called and she said that she didn't know. She told me that she was going to after hours, and that it wasn't a good idea to stay with her until she figures out what she wants to do. Meanwhile she has plans with her "new friend" on Monday night after work. I told her I wanted to see her that night. She told me that was her time with her new friend and said that she didn't know what they were going to do. I told her that I didn't want them seeing each other. I tried to talk to her but she was telling me not to start a scene. She told me she would call me. I asked her when, she repeated herself. She left the club and I left behind her. She was a few yards in front of me with one of her girlfriends. I stopped her and asked her if how she would feel if I was doing the same thing. She said not that good. Then she mentioned that she can't get seriously involved with him because of something (I didn't exactly hear her). I asked her to repeat what she said and she wouldn't. She went back to her "Don't do this now, don't start a scene" and then walked away from me. That was it.
Here I am torn apart and sleep deprived. Once again waiting on her call that might never come. Knowing tomorrow night that she will be spending time with someone else. I feel like going up there and and finding them and stepping in but would just make the situation worse. I really want to know who this guy is. He must be well off if he eats at this restaurant by the way.
I've done all that I could do within reason and now the ball is in her court. I feel her slipping away little by little now, and I feel helpless and empty.
I probably left some details out. But that's most of the important stuff. This is real pain. I hope this doesn't get any worse.
And now I'm spilling my heart out in front of the world.
- 03-05-2006, 10:27 AM
Having been so deeply in love with someone myself I understand we do things that we might not do normally....I am guilty as we all are....
But let me tell you one day you will wake up, the sun will rise, and life will go on...I woke up one day and realized that I was no longer in love with a crush i once had, we dated..I infact dispised him for being so mean,unemotional to me...which made me in the end pity him and not trust him......you cant make someone love u,
That day will come, move forward, she is young, and well not ready for what you are looking for...walk away now....don't call, don't email, ignore all communication.....trust me....
((((HUGZ)))))) it will get better, your heart will healRIP Ryan, :(
- 03-05-2006, 02:10 PM
[quote=handzilla] Once again waiting on her call that might never come [/quote]
This is the worst feeling in the world. Good luck man, hope things turn out ok.
03-05-2006, 08:17 PM
I know exactly how you feel. Sorry to hear that. Everyone is going to tell you "it'll get better and you'll get over her", including me, but I know how painfull it is. Waiting... And what makes it worse is she's leaving you for somebody else, not just leaving you because you don't have feelings for each other. You have broken heart and she might be sleeping with someone else and don't even feel guilty about it. Just remember one day she'll get hurt as much, you might never find out about it, but "what goes around, comes around"
03-05-2006, 09:36 PM
Thanks, tc. This whole situation just plagues my mind. Many of the people I talk to about this say that she has me right where she wants me.Originally Posted by toughchick401
03-05-2006, 09:38 PM
[quote=spatch]Thanks for the hope, spatch. I need it like no other.Originally Posted by handzilla
03-05-2006, 09:39 PM
It wouldn't be so bad if it didn't have an effect on m eating ans sleeping. I miss the me before this girl came along and inflicted me.Originally Posted by DmitryWI
03-05-2006, 10:08 PM
Hang in there bud!
My The 1 LOG: http://anabolicminds.com/forum/steroids/254164-my-one-log.html
03-05-2006, 10:26 PM
handzilla, you're 24... you have a lot of life ahead of you and a lot of potential relationships. Take some time to focus on you and your goals. There's some lessons for you in that relationship and it sounds like you've figured a couple of them out. Sorry to dis on her but she hasn't been straight with you and doesn't sound very mature. Time to move on. Good luck
03-05-2006, 10:41 PM
Yes it is going to suck for a while.
Yes you are going to feel like crap.
Yes you are going to wonder if you had done anything differently it woud have worked out.
Sorry, but you just have to keep your chin up and try and get through it.
Make sure ou keep yourself busy, wallowing is not going to help you.
You are still so young that you will look back on this and put it down to a life experience.
If posting helps, then keep doing it, sometimes just getting stuff off your chest makes you feel much better.
Hope this bad time passes quickly for you.
03-06-2006, 01:28 AM
I am sorry to hear about the unfortunate turn of events that transpired. With everyday that passes it will get better and better man. I guess the best thing to do now would be to sample the buffet. I wish you all the best and I know that soon things will take a turn for the better.
03-06-2006, 06:25 AM
Thanks, man I'm trying. Hopefully not by the neck.Originally Posted by motiv8er
03-06-2006, 06:28 AM
You are very right about this. I just find it hard to believe that she seemed so wonderful and grateful for the 1st few months. Then she changed. I never did anything to mistreat her or hurt her.Originally Posted by bitwise
03-06-2006, 06:31 AM
Yeah it's hard to keep on going sometimes. What really sucks is that she won't even call me; and the only answers I hear out of her are "I don't know." Then she's talking to some guy she barely knows, texting back and forth, and going on dates with him. This is fyucked up.Originally Posted by karategirl
03-06-2006, 06:33 AM
Thanks, 'man. I look forward to the day I do feel better. Unfortunately it will take what seems to be forever.Originally Posted by maosman
03-06-2006, 07:20 AM
Sorry man, but I get pissed just reading about your situation. Sounds like she's already moving on. My guess is with the way she was acting before, she was just trying to soften the blow and not be a complete b!tch about it. What I would do is find her and ask her straight up, "Is it over between us?" What you need now are some solid answers and hopefully some closure. Don't call her, ask her in person, face to face. Once you have some sort of idea of what she is thinking you may find that you feel at least a little better.
Oh and this thing with the 38 year old guy isn't going to last.
03-06-2006, 07:43 AM
Originally Posted by natedogg
Thanks for the support, nate. I tried to get straight answers but all I get is "I don't know" or "I hope not" or "we'll see."
And about this new guy, I have the same feeling about it not lasting. But why do you say it won't? I have a feeling she's doing it for money, or using him as a tool to piss me off even more. I'm wondering if I ever would have even known if I didn't ask.
03-06-2006, 08:03 AM
You need a real answer. Tell her you're done if she doesn't answer up. Even if it's a bluff you need a solid answer out of her.Originally Posted by handzilla
Who knows really. Maybe it's a little of all of those. Regardless of what it may be, relationships like that never last. Let her have her fun. There's nothing you can do to stop her. Eventually she will realize what she was missing (hopefully) and attempt to come crawling back. If not, there are plenty of fish in the sea.
03-06-2006, 08:33 AM
Well, man. I'd love to see her crawling back. Meanwhile I guess I have to do what I can to close this off.Originally Posted by natedogg
03-06-2006, 09:05 AM
Uh, she's seeing someone else - what more does Handzilla really, really NEED to know?Originally Posted by natedogg
Simply because she hasn't articulated her reasons in a way that is supposedly satisfactory to him doesn't mean she hasn't articulated the fact that SHE IS NO LONGER INTERESTED! I think it's B.S. when people complain about the ex not giving them the kind of explanation they CLAIM they want when what they really want is for the ex to say "I've made a mistake, please, please take me back."
Would any guy really feel better if the ex responded "I left you because he's a better lover, he has a much bigger d_ _k, or you know longer do it for me, etc...?" Not saying that's the case, but imagine that it might be - or imagine some other ego-bustin' response, then tell me how the hell would an answer like that leave someone feeling better?
People are imperfect, and like it or not, we feel what we feel for who we feel, and all the 'planining in the world won't change that. A person is only fooling himself or herself if he or she believes additional information and explanations will make his or her hurt go away. If anything, the more one presses for additional reasons, the more annoyed the person being pressed will become, and the additional reasons are gauaranteed to be stated in a manner much less kinder than the original one.
It's trite, and it's a cliche, BUT Handzilla really does need to grieve for a while with whomever is sympathetic towards him, learn to accept what he can't change, demonstrate his own maturity by not making a scene - cuz that would be downright pathetic, and finally move the heck on!
And if this post makes anyone angry, then great - because it means you've pulled your head outta your behind and you've recognized some of the truths herein!!!
03-06-2006, 09:39 AM
Good posting, but I still think closure is something he needs to seek. The girl obviously still has feelings for him or else she would have told him to **** off already. It's easy to say move on and all kinds of other BS, but until you're in that situation how would you know how he feels. Just me though. I'm sure you'll handle it the right way handzilla. I support you in any decision you make. Good luck.
03-06-2006, 10:23 AM
I went through a similar situation when I was 22, I would not give up even though I think she had, so like a dumbass I asked her to marry me and she did, after three years of a bad marriage and alot of misery, she left one day, then we got back again and finally after another brief split up I ran into her a a club with another guy, which I found out later there had been a few others before him, this was on a Saturday night, on Monday I filed for a divorce and now am married with two beautiful children and a great life, I guess the point here is dont force a relationship, it wont work, just keep going on with your life and stay positive and happiness will come, good luck...........
03-06-2006, 11:33 AM
Dude, I hate to hear about anyone going through this sort of situation. But, you will get through this. How you handle it will dictate the type of person you are, and can/will become. Losing someone you love makes for a desperate, confusing, emotional time. It will suck for a while, but in the end you will be just fine. Count your lucky stars you were'nt married, had kids, along with all the material possessions that would need to be split, and the time it takes for the divorce to be legally finalized. That all just adds to the pain.
I had just been through this crap as of last Summer, and it wasn't a picnic. However, I found a kick ass chick, am having a kick ass time, and now know it was all for the best.
I can say that this community helped me get through one of the toughest times in my life. I started a couple of threads, such as you have, and listened to the advice and support of the peeps here. It's nice when you can here from those who have "been there, done that" and how they came out of it.
Best of luck with your situation. And one dude from here told me something, and it has stuck with me since, (it went something like this)..."God will never give you more than what you can handle." Just take it one day at a time. My thoughts are with you.
03-06-2006, 11:53 AM
Upsetting but most likely true. I am starting to think that this girl is just all out evil leech. Can't help but to think back and analyze all the questionable sh!t that went down in the past few months. Those answers however would let me know that she is foul for sure and is not just really emotionally challenged like she's trying to make herself out to be.Originally Posted by the Cardinal
03-06-2006, 11:55 AM
Well there you go. You just answered your own question. Move the hell on. She has.
03-06-2006, 11:55 AM
Thanks. I'm trying to stay positive, set and reach goals. Your situation makes my problem seem so minute but the pain is still there.Originally Posted by RipdnTxs
03-06-2006, 12:00 PM
Originally Posted by Cuffs
Thanks, Cuffs. I remember reading your thread and imagining how terrible something like that would be. Didn't know it was only a matter of time, man. Hell hath no fury...
03-06-2006, 12:15 PM
To add on, It just sounds like she moved on months ago and this was her way of telling you. Time heals all wounds and recovery begins today.
03-06-2006, 12:28 PM
im so sorry. matters of the heart are the most painful things that anyone can experience. but honestly, there WILL be someone for you, most likely someone more fitted for you. i was severely hurt before and found my now fiance , and its better than anything i could have ever dreamed. keep your head up. good things happen to good people, and everything EVERYTHING significant, happens for a reason . keep your head up.
also....it boils down to respect....it says alot about a person to not consider another persons feelings when it comes to ending relationships. to have the decency to really have a conversation with that individual instead of simply avoiding shows alot about their character. you will find someone else....someone better.
03-06-2006, 12:46 PM
Whoa! Kind of extreme. Everything seemed all good about 30 days ago when she spent all day cooking me a really good dinner. Not saying there couldn't have been an ulterior motive, but I can't say that things were too bad then.Originally Posted by natedogg
03-06-2006, 12:50 PM
Yeah I agree. She couldn't just come right out and tell me. She did a lotta beating around the bush, and I had to ask loads of questions to get more info as to why from her. This has been an extremely long process for a fyuckin break-up. It seems like there is a new or additional reason everytime I talk to her.Originally Posted by Mrs. Gimpy!
03-06-2006, 12:55 PM
03-06-2006, 01:09 PM
Not really. Maybe it's because my "frame of reference" is different from yours, but in my experience, your situation - including the "beating around the bush," the inability and/or unwillingness to explain, one party being caught completely off guard (at least, kind of), etc... - is pretty much a typical, albeit unfortunate, break-up situation that I could have diagramed with my eyes closed.Originally Posted by handzilla
In no way am I making light of you situation - you are definitely entitled to your feelings, as well as entitled to vent a little about the ex. I simply hope that you will recognize sooner, as opposed to later, that you are much better off without someone in your life that has caused you so much pain, that you will use this experience as an educational tool, and that you will ultimately focus your energies into being the best "you" you can be, which undoubtedly will lead to new and better experiences with other women.
You don't see it now, but one day in the not-too-distant future, you'll want to kick your own ass for the amount of time and energy you spent agonizing over this person.
03-06-2006, 01:28 PM
Good post, 'Card. I already wanna kick my own ass for breaking down in front of this b!tch, and telling her I love her thinking I'd be able to get her back after how she treated me. I'm so pissed off that I let this con transform me into the whining little b!tch I was Friday night.
03-06-2006, 01:47 PM
Handzilla I was at the Arnie I was hoping to run into you bro, so we could converse, and have a good time and you could see all the beautiful fit tail at the ARNIE !!! but i see you are going thru something and love can make us hurt... so keep your head up bro !!! As for your situation just know she has chosen someone over you, and once you have crossed tyhat line in a relatiuonship, you dont need the aggervation and time wasted. Trust me even in my times of distress with my wife, and our communication issues I never had to worry about her and indescretion, and we are married trust is something that takes time to build and once destoyed you have a choice to rebuild or leave it crumbled... lEave this crumbled now before it hurts you even more...
03-06-2006, 02:23 PM
U know what u need to do or ur boys need to do is have a solid weeek of clubbing and drinking....hit up vegas if u have the coin available...u need to get away from the situation and cut the cord...delete her cell, email, etc and just move on...meaniningless sex will do the job...no point in wollowing in ur own misery when she's out, F$@# her and have fun...there is my miseberable breakup remidy...keep ya head up!!
03-06-2006, 02:40 PM
Dude, this is going to sound very harsh. I'm not trying to be a jerk I'm trying to help.
You're 24 years old, why on earth would you want to be tied down at that age?
Go out have fun, raise a little hell, and nail every available female you can.
I did that for years, until I got tired of it and wanted an actual relationship.
Now I'm married with kids and totally happy with the situation.
I have no desire to relive the wild years.
I've never cheated on my wife.
I don't go to bars.
I got it out of my system.
Before I decided to settle down I had never dated a girl more than 4 months.
I've got friends that married young and most of them are divorced or have ****ty marriages because they never really lived.
My wife cringed when I told her my checkered past, threeways, strippers, 3 different women each night of one weekend(more than one weekend!).
But she knows it's out of my system.
I had a great time and I have no regrets.
My wife was also kind of wild and we got lucky when we met.(funny story, I had previously slept with one of her friends. I met them out together one night.) She actually made me wait about 2 months before sleeping with me.
Bottom line is quit being a baby, get over it. The sooner you brush it off the sooner your life will resume again.
P.S. I once got my heart ripped out and stomped on. A friend of mine who was about ten years older than me. He was married with kids.
Came over, sat me down, and talked to me.
And as soon as I started to whine, the bastard slapped the bejesus out of me and told me to stop acting like a *****. Everything came into perspective real fast after that, I was 20 years old and I had a life get on with, she got on with hers and I was in a "suspended animation".
Do what you want to do, but get on with your life.
Good luck, and please have some fun.
Desperation and depression will scare off any potential girlfriends.
03-06-2006, 02:45 PM
Originally Posted by gixxman
Read my mind.
03-06-2006, 02:46 PM
Yeah I made it to the Classic yesterday an hour before they closed. I was in terrible shape. Sleep deprived, scorned, haven't eaten enough. Still managed to get 25 pullups at the Marine booth.Originally Posted by Apowerz6
I just can't comprehend why she would go and do this though after saying how she cares about me more than she has ever cared about anyone else, and after how well I treated her. She kept saying she doesn't know what she wants, and she might not want anyone right now. She might be hanging out with this guy over me because she feels that she can come back to me at any given time.
This rebuilding process is so slow, man. I'm so thirsty for some type of revenge.
03-06-2006, 02:47 PM
That's what I was doing Friday night, when she showed up, man. I was out with my boys having a blast. Then the night took an ugly emotional turn as soon as she popped up.Originally Posted by gixxman
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