Chili Cook-Off

  1. Chili Cook-Off

    Guys, this is very funny, but read carefully!!!

    >>Chili Cook-off
    >If you can read this whole story without laughing then there's no hope
    >for you. I was crying by the end. This is an actual account as relayed
    >to paramedics at a chili cook-off in Texas.
    >Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to
    >the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better. For those
    >of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have
    >a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major
    > portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio City Park.
    >Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was
    >visiting from Springfield, IL.
    > Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected
    >as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at
    >the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for
    >directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by
    >the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all
    >that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the
    >tasting, so I accepted and became Judge 3."
    >Here are the scorecard notes from the event:
    >Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
    >Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
    >Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy ****, what the hell is this stuff? You could
    >remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the
    >flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
    >Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
    >Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
    >Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what
    >I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who
    >wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer
    >when they saw the look on my face.
    >Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
    >Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.
    >Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels
    >like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get
    >me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my
    >backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting ****-faced from all of the
    >Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
    >Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish
    >or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
    >Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable
    >to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer
    >maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb. woman is
    >starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili
    >an aphrodisiac?
    >Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground,
    >adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
    >Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must
    >admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
    >Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and
    >I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me
    >needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her
    >chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer
    >directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It
    >really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.
    >Screw them.
    >Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of
    >spices and peppers.
    >Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and
    >garlic. Superb.
    >Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,
    >sulfuric flames. I **** on myself when I farted and I'm worried it will
    >eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except
    >that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a
    >snow cone.
    >Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
    >Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
    >chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am
    >worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be a bit of distress as he is cursing
    >Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
    >wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds
    >like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili,
    >which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my
    >shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop
    >breathing it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
    >Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too
    >bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
    >Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild
    >nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted,
    >passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself.
    >Not sure if he's going to make it. poor feller, wonder how he'd have
    >reacted to really hot chili?
    >Judge # 3 - No Report
    My The 1 LOG:

  2. Man, I feel so unoriginal.

    Beelze, can you forgive me??
    My The 1 LOG:

  3. LMFAO Seen that a long time ago still hilarious.

  4. That's hilarious!

    "I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone" LMAO

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