need advice in a bad way...
- 02-06-2006, 07:21 PM
need advice in a bad way...
Ok I'll cut to the chase...
Last night I'm at my friends girlfriends house for the super bowl. At about halftime or so, one of her ex-boyfriends calls her cell. I'm not sure if he left a message or talked to her directly, but he offered to pay her for sex. Today in school, she told me that she is petrafied(sp?) of him.
Now do I think this kid is and evil son of a bitch as most people do? No. I think he is massivly misunderstood. My mottow is "hate cant remove hate, only love can do that." I dont plan on changing it.
To understand this kid you have to go back to 7th grade. His father died of, I want to say, cancer. He has never been the same since. He doesn't know how to direct his anger and sadness, other then to take it out on others (myself included on occation). Do I hold this against him? No.
Flash forward to last year. They went out for a few months or so. I have absolutley no way of knowing if this is true, but some people say he beat her every once in a while. This relates to the above paragraph. After they broke up (according to her) they had a conversation where she said "its over for good" and he started to cry. This shows he really does still love her. I understand his pain, which is why I cant hold anything agains him in relation to her.
My friend wants me to beat his ass. I have never, and will never, raise a fist, especally not against this kid.
Though I hold none of this against him, there is no denying that he is a pretty violent kid. It keeps crossing my mind... what if he rapes her.... what if he kills her?
I think I'm going to do the following.
1) talk to him in school tomorow, I have a way of defusing a lot of bad situations
2) if that goes no where, I might just tell the police.
If you think I'm being a ***** and a coward by not backing up my friend more, just say so. All advice is appreciated.
- 02-06-2006, 07:24 PM
- 02-06-2006, 07:28 PM
Tell him that you already did go to the police and you filed a report or whatever... So tell him that if anything happens to her the cops will knock on his door first.
(you could also really do what i said... but he has no way of knowing whether you really filed a report or not)
02-06-2006, 07:31 PM
Why can't your friend fight his own battles???
Anyway - I wouldn't advocate kicking the kid's ass. I'm quite sure you'd end up getting in alot of trouble with the police - folks like to press charges these days.
02-06-2006, 07:35 PM
That is a lot of your friend to ask of you... and besides that, tell your friend to grow up.Originally Posted by spatch
I think you are right on.... as alwaysOriginally Posted by spatch
02-06-2006, 07:39 PM
Originally Posted by jmh80
Physically- this kid would beat my friends ass, bad.
Mentally- I dont know.
02-06-2006, 07:40 PM
This is good advice, but why the hell doesn't your friend do that himself ! I mean he should be protecting his girlfreind, not you! But I understand that you may be braver than your friend, and that he might look up to you in situations like this. So.......Originally Posted by Whiskey Steve
02-06-2006, 07:45 PM
I often have to take my friends problems into my own hands.... but i dont use my size to inflict pain. I use it to intimidate and make people listenOriginally Posted by spatch
I usually offer to do this for my skinny friends just because i dont want them getting hurt..... but it really pisses me off when they expect it out of me (like your friend)
02-06-2006, 08:15 PM
I think in life you are a man and would like to be treated like one you should act like a man. So i a fight I would adress it accordingly and assume the smashing when all parties are in agreance. In this case of a man hitting a girl the rules dont apply, tell you little bud to smash him in the head with something kick him in the balls or just the plain ole punch him in the face without saying a word. No respect to a woman beater, as he has none, hey ive lost people close to me doesnt warrant me to beat on my GF. I personally think people who beat women are a special breed you either have it in you or you dont. Ive punched a girl twice my size when i was 11 then ran away when she stopped beating me, this was self defence and man i was scared. But as a man playing with big boy rules I would never under any circumstance hit my girlfriend. Anyways smash him he like to prey upon the weak then make him feel weak, If your buddy does it not only will it sting more but he'll gain a little more confidence.
i watched my mom get hit as a kid, now i smash anyone no matter how big, for beating on a woman.
Where does he live.
02-06-2006, 08:15 PM
its not your problem don't get involved. i would mind your own buisness and be careful beceause if this kid is as messed up as you say he is he might get pissed at you and do something to you. stay out of it man.
02-06-2006, 08:17 PM
i dont think you are being a coward by NOT fighting your friends' fight, your friend is being quite the "*****". WHO the FREAK asks their friends to protect their girlfriends for them????? i can see why you are worried, but it shouldnt be your responsibility.
why is that nut still calling her??? gez people can be insane.....
for the most part, crazy guys are alot of talk, i've met my fair share, had stalkers, etc...and its usually ok.
02-06-2006, 08:21 PM
You sound like a smart kid. Fighting will not solve anything, may make you feel a little better but then his anger will transfer over to you. Now you have to watch your back everywhere you go. Not sure where you live, or how society is there but I have been in that situation and it really sucks. Talk to the kid, if he still wants to get stupid, go to a teacher who is cool as hell but will take it serious enough to talk to the dude. It will all hash out fine.
02-06-2006, 08:42 PM
Personally, I think you sound a little too empathetic to this wacko's misfortunes.
Just because he had a rough childhood, lost his dad, does not excuse or justify his behavoir. I know you aren't necessarily saying his actions are excusable, but I get the feeling you are softening their severity by imagining "... if I was in his shoes...". Don't do that. Yes it sucks he lost his dad, but a lot of people have lost family members in one way or another at a young age, and not all of them become physically abussive to women and those around them. Talk to him, and when you do keep that empathy OUT of your mind. You said you are worried that potentially he is capable or really hurting / raping this girl. Although you probably shouldn't have to be the one doing something about this, it is apparent your friend is unable to and thus it falls to you. If you want to feel sorry for someone, feel sorry for your friend who cannot defend his own girl's honor, not the wacko that is disrespecting you all.
By the way... you will probably say I am generalizing, but I've known people like this, who really started to exhibit this type of behavoir in middle school or high school. Unfortunately, most of the time these people just end up getting worse. Most of the people I know like that are now in jail or off on probation. The best recovery case I can think of was a fellow named James. He was suspended several times for sexual harassment in high school. Eventually he was expelled. It seemed as though the only place he was going to graduate to was prison, but thank god his father made him go to a military academy style school, where upon graduation he joined the Marines. Two years later he is a changed man, for the better.
02-06-2006, 08:59 PM
It's your friend's drama to deal with. Give him advice and be honest. Stay as uninvolved as the situation allows. If you think the situation calls for intervention from an outside source, push him to do it until you think it's an absolute must that you have to do it yourself. You'll make the right call.
02-06-2006, 09:00 PM
Because he still loves her.Originally Posted by Mrs. Gimpy!
I wanted to be a criminal defence lawyer, because nothing makes me feel better then forgiving. However, I didnt do well enought in school to get into any law programsOriginally Posted by revodrew
I have had to do this on a few occations. I hate it... HATE IT.Originally Posted by Whiskey Steve
02-06-2006, 09:14 PM
Only those that are directly involved can really solve the situation. Other can only address the symptoms.
The kid sounds like he has had a tough time of it; still, with that understood, what he has been through only goes "so far".
Imagine this: If he were to slap you Mom or Sister, you would take care of the situation without regard to the tough times he has been through. His problems are his baggage, but he has no right to throw it on others by abusing them.
Someone should counsel the girl; and by counsel I don't mean psycho babble. I mean, find out how seriuosly this bothers her, and talk her through some options. If that is her boyfriend - OK; if it is someone else - OK too.
How is this for an idea? A group of peers accompany the girl when she tells him she will file a restraining order against him if he harasses her again.
Lastly, before you do anything, know the facts, and make sure you are doing what is best for the girl. I don't know her age, but is she is a minor - where the heck are her parents?
02-06-2006, 09:44 PM
Spatch - I had a bad childhood. My pops loved to make me his punching bag (or kickboxing bag) when he was drunk.
You don't see my going around hitting women or raping them.
That's a ****ing cop-out if I've ever heard one.
02-07-2006, 02:34 AM
He wasn't excusing it... he was understanding it.Originally Posted by BigCasino
Spatch is not refraining from violence with this kid because of his situation. He if refraining because he is a extremely classy guy and doesn't believe in violence.
And I believe without any doubt or reservation in my mind that everyone does things for a reason. I believe there has been reasoning (though wrong) behind every gross act of violence(ect) in history. People like this kid just get caught up in things and let their obsesions rule them.... and of course it becomes scary to everyone around them. But to that kid i am sure his actions make sense in his mind.
If I was in your situation and it wasn't too inconvenient I would try to be this kids friend.
02-07-2006, 02:34 AM
This is clearly the best answer. Be upfront with him. Tell him to stop his ****, that it isn't going down anymore.Originally Posted by spatch
A real man doesn't need to fight every problem out. He speaks and people listen.
02-07-2006, 02:41 AM
dont give up.... get a degree w/ great grades from some four year college and im sure you will have some optionsOriginally Posted by spatch
I kindof like playing dad for them... but when they throw a drink at a car and expect me to fight the pissed victim I say forget it.Originally Posted by spatch
02-07-2006, 03:21 AM
Hey man if he is really truly your friend you will do what he asks of you. If my best friend asked me to do this for him I would do it in a second. It may not be the most mature way of handling this situation but a good ass kicking my set this kid straight.
02-07-2006, 03:30 AM
I like your dedication to your friendsOriginally Posted by anabolicgiraffe
We should always look for the mature way of solving things.Originally Posted by anabolicgiraffe
Lets keep in mind:
1. He has not touched this girl.
2. Why would you beat up a kid who is ready to "snap"?... I think that is a good way to get that girl in more danger.
(and as said earlier: "Where are her parents?")
02-07-2006, 03:45 AM
My friend Hannibal says you should eat his liver along with some fava beans and a nice Chianti. Me, I would just poke him in the eye with a sharp stick.
02-07-2006, 03:49 AM
02-07-2006, 03:56 AM
That's a quaint little New Zealand saying my father you to use on his kids
Me - "Dad, Whiskey Steve threw a dog turd at me"
My Dad - " Well, it beats a poke in the eye with a sharp stick, does'nt it?"
ah, thanks, dad.
02-07-2006, 04:02 AM
02-07-2006, 04:00 PM
02-07-2006, 05:28 PM
when someone beats on a woman how can you stay out of it.
I guess i see the world differently, BTW did she validate this supposed occurence, women cause alot of trouble for men.
02-07-2006, 05:50 PM
Today she sat next to me in chemistry. She said she hasnt heard from him since, which is good I guess.
I asked her if she wanted me to talk to him and/or the police. She BEGGED me not to. Last time something happened like this with him, she said he said it would "be the end of her" or something.
02-08-2006, 06:05 PM
There is ZERO excuse for that. I do not feel for some P.O.S. that needs to do something stupid and blame anyone else. This is just wrong if he touched her, it is wrong and does not matter what he went through in his past.Originally Posted by spatch
My brother just died, I will now go be a terrible person, start using drugs, and beating women...come on! I hate this form of thinking, be responsible for your own actions.
She also should of gotten away and called the cops. Do not touch him man, you never know the truth...
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