joke of the day

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  1. Talking Joke of the day


    I've got a huge joke file and post this on several boards, so you guys might enjoy it too...
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    1. Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants

    2. Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

    3. I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it. So I said, "Implants?" She hit me.

    4. I don't do drugs. I get the same effect just standing up fast.

    5. Sign in a Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea..."

    6. I live in my own little world. But it's OK. They know me here.

    7. I got a sweater for Christmas. I really wanted a screamer or a moaner.

    8. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

    9. I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of them get elected.

    10. There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and ****head's.

    11. I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

    12. I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore, I am perfect.

    13. Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.

    14. How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?

    15. Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?

    16. Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?

    17. Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.

    18. Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: "Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been!"

    19. A good friend will come and bail you out of jail...but, a true friend will be sitting next to you saying, "Damn...that was fun!"


  2. 19. A good friend will come and bail you out of jail...but, a true friend will be sitting next to you saying, "Damn...that was fun!"
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  3. Some of those are old Steven Wright jokes..good stuff.

  4. Quote Originally Posted by ctgblue

    18. Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: "Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been!"
    LMAO, mom knows best after all.

  5. fish walks into a long-john-silver's
    he got battered
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  6. That was so bad....but it was great.

    For some reason I have a feeling this thread won't die easily....
    For answers to board issues, read the Suggestion and News forum at the bottom of the main page.

  7. Oh, I've got a 135 page word doc of jokes
    this thread is stickied at several boards
    I've just got to remember to updatye it every or every other day

  8. I posted this once, but it deserves a second go round;

    TWO FAMILES MOVED FROM AFGHANISTAN TO AMERICA.WHEN THEY ARRIVED,THE TWO FATHERS MADE A BET---IN A YEAR'S TIME WHICHEVER FAMILY HAD BECOME MORE AMERICANIZED WOULD WIN THE BET. A YEAR LATER THEY MET. THE FIRST MAN SAID, "MY SON IS PLAYING BASEBALL, I HAD MCDONALD'S FOR BREAKFAST AND I'M ON MY WAY TO PICK UP A CASE OF BUD,HOW ABOUT YOU?" THE SECOND MAN REPLIED, "F"?*K YOU TOWEL HEAD.

  9. A small Arkansas Wild Animal Park acquired a very rare species of
    gorilla. Within a few weeks, the gorilla, who was a female became very
    difficult to handle. Upon examination, the park veterinarian determined
    the problem. The gorilla was in season. To make matters worse, there
    was no male gorilla available.

    Reflecting on their problem, the park administrator thought of Ted
    Standen, a redneck part-time worker, who was responsible for cleaning
    the animal's cages.

    Ted, like most rednecks, had little sense, but possessed ample ability
    to satisfy a female of any species. The administrator thought they
    might have a solution. Ted was approached with a proposition. Would he
    be willing to mate with the gorilla for $500.00?

    Ted showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter
    over carefully. The following day, Ted announced that he would accept
    their offer, but only under the following four conditions.

    1. "First,", Ted said, "I don't want to have to kiss her on the lips."
    The park administrator quickly agreed to this condition.

    2. "Second", Ted said, "you must never tell anyone about this" The
    park administrator again readily agreed to this condition.

    3. "Third," Ted said, "I want all the offspring to be raised Southern
    Baptist." Once again the administrator agreed.

    4. And last of all Ted stated "You've got to give me another week to
    come up with the $500.00."

  10. two peanuts walk into a bar.
    one was a salted. (assaulted)

  11. How do you circumcise a hillbilly?


    Kick his Sister in the chin

  12. A guy goes in to see a psychiatrist. He says, "Doc, I can't seem to make any friends. Can you help me, you fat slob?"

  13. Jesus...I need this thread now.
    For answers to board issues, read the Suggestion and News forum at the bottom of the main page.

  14. battery cables walk into a bar.

    the bouncer says "don't you start anything".

  15. Guess I'll keep it clean....I forgot this was the GC forum...appologies

    Two fish swim in to a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says “Dam”.

  16. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other, “Does this taste funny to you ?”

    Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love and get married. The ceremony wasn’t much but the reception was brilliant.


    Warning....nerd humor ahead...........

    Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, “I’ve lost my electron”.
    The other says, “Are you sure?” The first replies, “Yes, I’m positive”.

    I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any.

  17. A blonde was driving home after a game and got caught in a really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to a repair shop The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun.
    He told her just to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out.
    So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started blowing into her tailpipe. Nothing happened. So she blew a little harder, and still nothing happened.
    Her roommate, another blonde, came home and said, "What are you doing?"
    The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tail pipe in order to get all the dents to pop out.
    The roommate rolled her eyes and said, "Duh, like hello! You need to roll up the windows first."

  18. What do you call a fish with no eyes ? A fsh!


    I’ll tell you what I love doing more than anything else, trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.

  19. Quote Originally Posted by SJA

    Two fish swim in to a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says “Dam”.

    For answers to board issues, read the Suggestion and News forum at the bottom of the main page.

  20. Do you know why 6 is scared of 7? Because 7...8...9!!!

    I need a babysitter very soon
    I have no enemies. My friends intensely despise me.

  21. HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

    She is not a BABE or a CHICK - She is a BREASTED AMERICAN.
    She is not a SCREAMER or MOANER - She is VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE.
    She is not EASY - She is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.
    She does not TEASE or FLIRT - She engages in ARTIFICIAL STIMULATION.
    She is not DUMB - She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.
    She has not BEEN AROUND - She is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION.
    She does not GET YOU EXCITED - She causes TEMPORARY BLOOD DISPLACEMENT.
    She is not KINKY - She is a CREATIVE CARETAKER.
    She does not have a KILLER BODY - She is TERMINALLY ATTRACTIVE.
    She is not an AIRHEAD - She is REALITY IMPAIRED.
    She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY - She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED.
    She is not HORNY - She is SEXUALLY FOCUSED.
    She does not have BREAST IMPLANTS - She is MEDICALLY ENHANCED.
    She does not NAG YOU - She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE.
    She is not a SLUT - She is SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED.
    She does not have MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS - She is PECTORALLY SUPERIOR.
    She is not a TWO-BIT WHORE - She is a LOW COST PROVIDER.

  22. A LITTLE REFLECTION ON LIFE AS A MALE *not my actual life*


    When I was 14, all I wanted was a girl with large breasts. When I was 16, I dated a girl with large breasts, but there was no passion. So I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life. In college, I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with some stability. When I was 25, I found a very stable girl, but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided I needed a girl with some excitement. At 28, I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad, impetuous things and flirted with everyone she met. She made me miserable as often as she made me happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some ambition. When I turned 31, I found a smart, ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground and married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned. Now I am 42, and all I want is a girl with big tits.

    I collect jokes for fun, I'll be adding to this thread about every day for a while.

  23. Pace yourself, between the all of us, we can keep this going for years.

  24. The Queen and the Pope are on the same stage. Huge crowd. The Queen and His Holiness however, have seen it all before, so to make it a little more interesting, Her Majesty says to his Holiness, "Pope, did you know, that with just one little wave of my hand I can make every English person in this crowd go wild?"
    He doubts it, so she shows him, and sure enough the little royal gloved wave elicits rapture and cheering from every pommie in the crowd. Gradually it subsides.
    His Holiness, not wishing to be outdone by a woman, who incidentally is wearing a worse frock and hat than he is, thinks to himself, what am I to do. Then it dawns on him. "Your Majesty, that was impressive, but did you know that with one nod of my head I can make every Irish person in the crowd go crazy with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display like that of your subjects, but this joy will go deep to their hearts, and they will talk of it and rejoice for months."
    The Queen seriously doubts this ... "One little nod of your head, and all the Irish are joyous for months? Show me."
    So the Pope headbutts her.

  25. crazy house hires a new doctor.
    the first day he is making his rounds and comes upon someone swinging an imaginary golf club.
    doctor says "do you ever think they will let you leave here?"
    patient replies "as soon as i sink this hole in one they will let me leave."
    next room the doctor sees someone swinging an imaginary bat.
    he says "do you think you will ever leave here?"
    patient says "as soon as i hit this next home run they will let me leave."
    next room he sees a man sitting naked on the floor, with a peanut on the end of his dick. so once again, he asks "do you ever think you will be allowed to leave?"
    the man replies "HELL NO. i'm f*****g nuts"
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