joke of the day

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    Talking Joke of the day


    I've got a huge joke file and post this on several boards, so you guys might enjoy it too...
    -------------------------------------

    1. Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants

    2. Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

    3. I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it. So I said, "Implants?" She hit me.

    4. I don't do drugs. I get the same effect just standing up fast.

    5. Sign in a Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea..."

    6. I live in my own little world. But it's OK. They know me here.

    7. I got a sweater for Christmas. I really wanted a screamer or a moaner.

    8. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

    9. I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of them get elected.

    10. There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and ****head's.

    11. I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

    12. I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore, I am perfect.

    13. Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.

    14. How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?

    15. Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?

    16. Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?

    17. Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.

    18. Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: "Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been!"

    19. A good friend will come and bail you out of jail...but, a true friend will be sitting next to you saying, "Damn...that was fun!"

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    19. A good friend will come and bail you out of jail...but, a true friend will be sitting next to you saying, "Damn...that was fun!"
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    Some of those are old Steven Wright jokes..good stuff.
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    Quote Originally Posted by ctgblue

    18. Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: "Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been!"
    LMAO, mom knows best after all.
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    fish walks into a long-john-silver's
    he got battered
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    That was so bad....but it was great.

    For some reason I have a feeling this thread won't die easily....
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    Oh, I've got a 135 page word doc of jokes
    this thread is stickied at several boards
    I've just got to remember to updatye it every or every other day
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    I posted this once, but it deserves a second go round;

    TWO FAMILES MOVED FROM AFGHANISTAN TO AMERICA.WHEN THEY ARRIVED,THE TWO FATHERS MADE A BET---IN A YEAR'S TIME WHICHEVER FAMILY HAD BECOME MORE AMERICANIZED WOULD WIN THE BET. A YEAR LATER THEY MET. THE FIRST MAN SAID, "MY SON IS PLAYING BASEBALL, I HAD MCDONALD'S FOR BREAKFAST AND I'M ON MY WAY TO PICK UP A CASE OF BUD,HOW ABOUT YOU?" THE SECOND MAN REPLIED, "F"?*K YOU TOWEL HEAD.
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    A small Arkansas Wild Animal Park acquired a very rare species of
    gorilla. Within a few weeks, the gorilla, who was a female became very
    difficult to handle. Upon examination, the park veterinarian determined
    the problem. The gorilla was in season. To make matters worse, there
    was no male gorilla available.

    Reflecting on their problem, the park administrator thought of Ted
    Standen, a redneck part-time worker, who was responsible for cleaning
    the animal's cages.

    Ted, like most rednecks, had little sense, but possessed ample ability
    to satisfy a female of any species. The administrator thought they
    might have a solution. Ted was approached with a proposition. Would he
    be willing to mate with the gorilla for $500.00?

    Ted showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter
    over carefully. The following day, Ted announced that he would accept
    their offer, but only under the following four conditions.

    1. "First,", Ted said, "I don't want to have to kiss her on the lips."
    The park administrator quickly agreed to this condition.

    2. "Second", Ted said, "you must never tell anyone about this" The
    park administrator again readily agreed to this condition.

    3. "Third," Ted said, "I want all the offspring to be raised Southern
    Baptist." Once again the administrator agreed.

    4. And last of all Ted stated "You've got to give me another week to
    come up with the $500.00."
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    two peanuts walk into a bar.
    one was a salted. (assaulted)
  11. SJA
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    How do you circumcise a hillbilly?


    Kick his Sister in the chin
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    A guy goes in to see a psychiatrist. He says, "Doc, I can't seem to make any friends. Can you help me, you fat slob?"
  13. I am faster than 80% of all snakes
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    Jesus...I need this thread now.
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    battery cables walk into a bar.

    the bouncer says "don't you start anything".
  15. SJA
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    Guess I'll keep it clean....I forgot this was the GC forum...appologies

    Two fish swim in to a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says “Dam”.
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    Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other, “Does this taste funny to you ?”

    Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love and get married. The ceremony wasn’t much but the reception was brilliant.


    Warning....nerd humor ahead...........

    Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, “I’ve lost my electron”.
    The other says, “Are you sure?” The first replies, “Yes, I’m positive”.

    I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any.
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    A blonde was driving home after a game and got caught in a really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to a repair shop The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun.
    He told her just to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out.
    So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started blowing into her tailpipe. Nothing happened. So she blew a little harder, and still nothing happened.
    Her roommate, another blonde, came home and said, "What are you doing?"
    The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tail pipe in order to get all the dents to pop out.
    The roommate rolled her eyes and said, "Duh, like hello! You need to roll up the windows first."
  18. SJA
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    What do you call a fish with no eyes ? A fsh!


    I’ll tell you what I love doing more than anything else, trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.
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    Quote Originally Posted by SJA

    Two fish swim in to a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says “Dam”.

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    Do you know why 6 is scared of 7? Because 7...8...9!!!

    I need a babysitter very soon
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    HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

    She is not a BABE or a CHICK - She is a BREASTED AMERICAN.
    She is not a SCREAMER or MOANER - She is VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE.
    She is not EASY - She is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.
    She does not TEASE or FLIRT - She engages in ARTIFICIAL STIMULATION.
    She is not DUMB - She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.
    She has not BEEN AROUND - She is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION.
    She does not GET YOU EXCITED - She causes TEMPORARY BLOOD DISPLACEMENT.
    She is not KINKY - She is a CREATIVE CARETAKER.
    She does not have a KILLER BODY - She is TERMINALLY ATTRACTIVE.
    She is not an AIRHEAD - She is REALITY IMPAIRED.
    She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY - She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED.
    She is not HORNY - She is SEXUALLY FOCUSED.
    She does not have BREAST IMPLANTS - She is MEDICALLY ENHANCED.
    She does not NAG YOU - She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE.
    She is not a SLUT - She is SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED.
    She does not have MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS - She is PECTORALLY SUPERIOR.
    She is not a TWO-BIT WHORE - She is a LOW COST PROVIDER.
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    A LITTLE REFLECTION ON LIFE AS A MALE *not my actual life*


    When I was 14, all I wanted was a girl with large breasts. When I was 16, I dated a girl with large breasts, but there was no passion. So I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life. In college, I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with some stability. When I was 25, I found a very stable girl, but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided I needed a girl with some excitement. At 28, I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad, impetuous things and flirted with everyone she met. She made me miserable as often as she made me happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some ambition. When I turned 31, I found a smart, ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground and married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned. Now I am 42, and all I want is a girl with big tits.

    I collect jokes for fun, I'll be adding to this thread about every day for a while.
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    Pace yourself, between the all of us, we can keep this going for years.
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    The Queen and the Pope are on the same stage. Huge crowd. The Queen and His Holiness however, have seen it all before, so to make it a little more interesting, Her Majesty says to his Holiness, "Pope, did you know, that with just one little wave of my hand I can make every English person in this crowd go wild?"
    He doubts it, so she shows him, and sure enough the little royal gloved wave elicits rapture and cheering from every pommie in the crowd. Gradually it subsides.
    His Holiness, not wishing to be outdone by a woman, who incidentally is wearing a worse frock and hat than he is, thinks to himself, what am I to do. Then it dawns on him. "Your Majesty, that was impressive, but did you know that with one nod of my head I can make every Irish person in the crowd go crazy with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display like that of your subjects, but this joy will go deep to their hearts, and they will talk of it and rejoice for months."
    The Queen seriously doubts this ... "One little nod of your head, and all the Irish are joyous for months? Show me."
    So the Pope headbutts her.
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    crazy house hires a new doctor.
    the first day he is making his rounds and comes upon someone swinging an imaginary golf club.
    doctor says "do you ever think they will let you leave here?"
    patient replies "as soon as i sink this hole in one they will let me leave."
    next room the doctor sees someone swinging an imaginary bat.
    he says "do you think you will ever leave here?"
    patient says "as soon as i hit this next home run they will let me leave."
    next room he sees a man sitting naked on the floor, with a peanut on the end of his dick. so once again, he asks "do you ever think you will be allowed to leave?"
    the man replies "HELL NO. i'm f*****g nuts"
  26. SJA
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    A couple of sperm are swimming around and one says to the other "how much further to the ovaries?" The other sperm says "Relax...we haven't even made it past the tonsils yet."
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    Something for the Guys


    WHY IT IS GREAT TO BE A GUY!

    Your ass is never a factor in a job interview.
    Your orgasms are real. Always.
    Your last name stays put.
    The garage is all yours.
    Nobody secretly wonders if you swallow.
    Wedding plans take care of themselves.
    You don't have to curl up next to a hairy ass every night.
    Chocolate is just another snack.
    You can be president.
    You can wear a white shirt to a water park.
    Foreplay is optional.
    You never feel compelled to stop a friend from getting laid.
    Car mechanics tell you the truth.
    You don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your new haircut.
    The world is your urinal.
    Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.
    You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too icky.
    Same work... more pay.
    Wrinkles add character.
    You don't have to leave the room to make emergency crotch adjustments.
    Wedding Dress $2000, Tux rental $100.
    Princess Di's death was just another obituary.
    The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
    Porn movies are designed with you in mind.
    Not liking a person does not preclude having great sex with them.
    One mood, all the time - horny
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    Me, beez and natedogg are driving down main street in philly when we get pulled over for speeding. A hot as blonde cop comes to the door and gets us all out, hands on hood, legs spread and says if you 3 can come up with 20 inches between you, I will let you go. I get my junk out and bust out my 7 inches of white lightning. Next, nate starts laughing at me and pulls 10 inches. Well beez is left and we only need 3 inches. He whips it out and then she says, oohhh, you just made it. We get back in the car and Beez says "good thing I had a boner"!!!


    (sorry beez and nate but you two are the most known non-mods on here, gotta pay the price to be popular!)
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    hit list-

    1) revodrew
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    Quote Originally Posted by Beelzebub
    hit list-

    1) revodrew

    Time to sleep with one eye open!!
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    My Favorite:

    LUCKY FROG
    A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, "Ribbit. 9 Iron" The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. "Ribbit. 9 Iron."
    He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts his other club away, and grabs a 9 iron. Boom! he hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked. He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh?" The frog reply's "Ribbit. Lucky frog."
    The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole. "What do you think frog " the man asks. "Ribbit. 3 wood." The guy takes out a 3 wood and Boom! Hole in one. The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, "OK where to next?" The frog reply, "Ribbit. Las Vegas."
    They go to "Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?" The frog says, "Ribbit Roulette." Upon approaching the roulette table, the man asks," What do you think I should bet?" The frog replies, "Ribbit. $3000, black 6." Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game, the man figures what the heck. Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table.
    The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful."
    The frog replies, "Ribbit, Kiss Me."
    He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him he deserves it.
    With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 16-year-old girl.
    "And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room."
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    Quote Originally Posted by revodrew
    (sorry beez and nate but you two are the most known non-mods on here, gotta pay the price to be popular!)
    No need to be sorry, you just made me feel good about myself. Reps to you.
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    i'll neg rep you both into the negative 200's.
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    Something for the older people


    Nursing Home Driver
    ------------------------------------
    An old lady in a nursing home is wheeling up and down the halls in her
    wheelchair, making sounds like she's driving a car. As she's going down the
    hall an old man jumps out of a room and says, "Excuse me ma'am, but you were
    speeding, can I see your driver's license?" She digs around in her purse a
    little, pulls out a candy wrapper and hands it to him. He looks it over,
    gives her a warning and sends her on her way. Up and down the hall again
    she goes, making sounds like she's driving a car.
    Again, the same old man jumps out of a room and says, "Excuse me ma'am, but
    I saw you cross over the center line back there. Can I see your registration
    please?" She digs around in her purse and pulls out a store receipt and
    hands it to him. He looks it over, gives her another warning and sends her
    on her way. She zooms off again, up and down the halls weaving all over. As
    she comes to the old man's room again, he jumps out.
    He is stark naked and has an erection! The old lady in the wheel chair
    looks up at the man and say's, "Oh no. Not the Breathalyzer again!"
  36. Registered User
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    Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," says Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.
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    "Well you see, Norm, it's like this. A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.

    In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Now, as we know, excessive intake of alcohol kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.

    And that, Norm, is why you always feel smarter after a few beers."
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    ^ Classic!
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    For the Students


    20 THINGS TO DO ON AN EXAM WHEN YOU KNOW THAT YOU ARE GOING TO FAIL IT ANYWAYS!


    1.Get a copy of the exam, run out screaming "Andre, Andre, I've got the secret documents!!"
    2.Talk the entire way through the exam. Read questions aloud, debate your answers with yourself out loud. If asked to stop, yell out, "I'm SOOO sure that you can hear me thinking." Then start talking about what a jerk the instructor is.
    3.On the answer sheet find a new, interesting way to refuse to answer every question. For example: I refuse to answer this question on the grounds that it conflicts with my religious beliefs. Be creative.
    4.15 min. into the exam, stand up, rip up all the papers into very small pieces, throw them into the air and yell out "Merry Christmas." If you're really daring, ask for another copy of the exam. Say you lost the first one. Repeat this process every 15 min.
    5.Come into the exam wearing slippers, a bathrobe, a towel on your head, and nothing else.
    6.Come down with a BAD case of Tourette's Syndrome during the exam. Be as vulgar as possible.
    7.Bring things to throw at the instructor when she's not looking. Blame it on the person nearest to you.
    8.As soon as the instructor hands you the exam, eat it.
    9.Show up completely drunk (completely drunk means at some point during the exam, you should start crying for mommy).
    10.Comment on how good the instructor is looking that day.
    11.If the exam is math/sciences related, make up the longest proofs you could possible think of. Get pi and imaginary numbers into most equations. If it is a written exam, relate everything to your own life story.
    12.Try to get people in the room to do a wave.
    13.Bring some large, cumbersome, ugly idol. Put it right next to you. Pray to it often. Consider a small sacrifice.
    14.During the exam, take apart everything around you. Desks, chairs, anything you can reach.
    15.Walk in, get the exam, sit down. About 5 min into it, loudly say to the instructor, "I don't understand ANY of this. I've been to every lecture all semester long! What's the deal? And who the hell are you? Where's the regular guy?"
    16.Do the entire exam in another language. If you don't know one, make one up!
    17.Bring a black marker. Return the exam with all questions and answers completely blacked out.
    18.Every now and then, clap twice rapidly. If the instructor asks why, tell him/her in a very derogatory tone, "the light bulb that goes on above my head when I get an idea is hooked up to a clapper. DUH!"
    19.Cross dress.
    20.Make origami animals out of your test.
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    A body builder picks up a blonde at a bar and takes her home with him.
    He takes off his shirt and the blonde says, "What a great chest you have."
    The body builder tells her, "That's 100 lbs. of dynamite, baby."
    He takes off his pants and the blonde says, "What massive calves you have."
    The body builder tells her, "That's 100 lbs. of dynamite, baby."
    He then removes his underwear and the blonde goes running out of the apartment screaming in fear.
    The body builder puts his clothes back on and chases after her. He catches up to her and asks why she ran out of the apartment like that.
    The blonde replies, "I was afraid to be around all that dynamite after I saw how short the fuse was."
  

  
 

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