joke of the day

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  1. A man, while playing on the front nine of a complicated golf course, became confused as to where he was on the course.

    Looking around, he saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her, explained his confusion and asked her if she knew that hole he was playing. She replied, "I'm on the 7th hole, and you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole." He thanked her and went back to his golf.

    On the back nine the same thing happened; and he approached her again with the same request. She said, "I'm on the 14th hole, you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th hole." Once again he thanked her and returned to his play.

    He finished his round and went to the clubhouse where he saw the same lady sitting at the end of the bar. He asked the bartender if he knew the lady. The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the course often.

    He approached her and said, "Let me buy you a drink in appreciation for your help. I understand that you are in the sales profession. I'm in sales, also. What do you sell?"

    She replied, "If I tell you,you'll laugh."
    "No, I won't", he responded.
    Well, if you must know," she answered, "I work for Tampax."

    With that, he laughed so hard he almost lost his breath.
    She said, "See I knew you would laugh."

    "That's not what I'm laughing at," he replied. "I'm a salesman for Preparation H, so I'm still a hole behind you."


  2. that's so horrible it was funny
    •   
       


  3. DO YOU PROMISE TO TELL THE TRUTH? (Part 2)

    Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August eighth?
    A: Yes.
    Q: And what were you doing at that time?
    ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ ++++++++++++++++++++++++

    Q: She had three children, right?

    A: Yes.
    Q: How many were boys?
    A: None.
    Q: Were there any girls?
    ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ ++++++++++++++++++++++

    Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
    A: Yes.
    Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?
    ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ ++++++++++++++++++++++++

    Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
    A: By death.
    Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
    ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ ++++++++++++++++++++++++

    Q: Can you describe the individual?
    A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
    Q: Was this a male, or a female?
    ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ ++++++++++++++++++++++++

    Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
    A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
    ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ ++++++++++++++++++++++++

    Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
    A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
    ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ +++++++++++++++++++++++

    Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
    A: Oral.
    ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ ++++++++++++++++++++++++

    Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
    A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
    Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
    A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
    Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
    A: No.
    Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
    A: No.
    Q: Did you check for breathing?
    A: No.
    Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
    A: No.
    Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
    A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
    Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless
    A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere
  4. Talking joke of the day


    A man had 50 yard line tickets for the Super Bowl. As
    he sits down, a man comes down and asks if anyone is
    sitting in the seat next to him.

    "No," he says, "The seat is empty."

    "This is incredible," said the man. "Who in their
    right mind would have a seat like this for the Super
    Bowl, the biggest sporting event in the world, and not
    use it?"

    He says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I
    was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed
    away. This is the first Super Bowl we haven't been to
    together since we got married in 1987."

    "Oh...I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But
    couldn't you find someone else, a friend or relative,
    or even a neighbor to take the seat?".

    The man shakes his head. "No they're all at the
    funeral."

  5. nice, Beelz! As always...
    •   
       


  6. A young boy asked his Dad, "What is politics?" The father
    > responded, "Well son, let me explain it this way: I'm the
    > breadwinner so let's call me Capitalism. Your mother is the
    > administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're
    > here to take care of your needs so we'll call you the People. The
    > Nanny we'll call the Working Class. Let's call your baby brother
    > the Future. Now think about that and see if it makes sense."
    > So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad said.
    > Later that night the boys hears his baby brother crying so he gets
    > up to check on him and finds that the baby has severely soiled his
    > diaper.
    > The boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother sound
    > asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the Nanny's room.
    > Finding the door locked he peeks through the keyhole and finds his
    > father in bed with the Nanny. He then gives up and goes back to bed.
    > The next morning the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I
    > understand politics now".
    > The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you
    > think politics is all about?"
    > The boy replies, "While Capitalism is screwing the Working Class,
    > the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored, and
    > the Future is in deep ****."

    jecko

  7. If a chick with big tities works at Hooters.
    Shouldn't a bitch with one leg work at Ihop?

  8. A young man is getting married and is a virgin, so he goes to his father for advice about he wedding night. Well son let me put into term you understand, you take what you used to play with when you were a teenager and put it where your wife pees, simple enough. So on the honey moon when things start getting hot she tells him shes ready, he gets up and throws his baseball glove into the toilet.

  9. A woman and man who are 60 years old are going to have sex for the first time. Brought up in a strick home no fooling around was allowed but when the womans mother dies she decides to have sex with her secret lover. As they fondle each other the woman becomes nervous as she recently found she had heart problems and doesnt want to die. He slipps the strap of her bra off and her boobie falls down to her belly button, she gets a litle red in the face and thinks how do i tell him about my heart, The second boobie rolls out as she getts even redder, ok i need to tell him. The woman says " I have acute angina" the man responds "good cause you tits are f&^Kin ugly"

  10. A buisnessman wakes up on his birthday and wonders will this day be as bad as the last. HE rolls out of bed and goes down to breakfast, noone says hi or makes conversation let alone wishing him a happy birhtday, his wife complains "are you going to fix the fence like you said you were?" "Yeah sure he" responds and heads out to work. Feeling a little dispondent and negative he then thinks well i should try to be happy it is my bday. At work it the usual none remembers but his secretary who gleefully says "hey birthday boy what do you say we leave early and go get lunch just me and you its your bday"
    "well sure im having a bad day that is exactly what i could use." They head out have a wonderful lunch at a reserved table and share a few martinins she says "its such a beautiful day we dont have to go back to the office", "why not, what did you have in mind" he replies."well lets stop by my place" she says. Once inside she tell him "im going in to step into my bedroom for a moment ill be right back" And after a few minutes she came out of the room carrying a huge birthday cake followed by his friends, relatives and coworkers......

    And he just sat there...



    naked.

  11. Quote Originally Posted by somewhatgifted
    A buisnessman wakes up on his birthday and wonders will this day be as bad as the last. HE rolls out of bed and goes down to breakfast, noone says hi or makes conversation let alone wishing him a happy birhtday, his wife complains "are you going to fix the fence like you said you were?" "Yeah sure he" responds and heads out to work. Feeling a little dispondent and negative he then thinks well i should try to be happy it is my bday. At work it the usual none remembers but his secretary who gleefully says "hey birthday boy what do you say we leave early and go get lunch just me and you its your bday"
    "well sure im having a bad day that is exactly what i could use." They head out have a wonderful lunch at a reserved table and share a few martinins she says "its such a beautiful day we dont have to go back to the office", "why not, what did you have in mind" he replies."well lets stop by my place" she says. Once inside she tell him "im going in to step into my bedroom for a moment ill be right back" And after a few minutes she came out of the room carrying a huge birthday cake followed by his friends, relatives and coworkers......

    And he just sat there...



    naked.
    lmfao!

  12. Default Joke - After 70
    An old couple are having dinner at a restaurant and the husband leans
    over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex
    together over fifty years ago? We went behind this very tavern where
    you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."

    "Yes, she says, "I remember it well."

    "Ok," he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we
    can do it for old time's sake?"

    "Oh Charlie, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but very good
    idea!"

    There's a police officer sitting in the next booth listening to all
    this, and having a chuckle to himself. He thinks, "I've got to see
    these two old timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye
    on them so there's no trouble." So he follows them.

    They walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for support, aided by
    walking sticks. Finally they get to the back of the tavern and make
    their way to the fence.

    The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As
    she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.

    Suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the watching
    policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes. Finally,
    they both collapse panting on the ground.

    The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life
    that he didn't know.

    After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old
    couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on.

    The Policeman, still watching thinks, this was truly amazing. I've got
    to ask them what their secret is. As the couple passes, he says to
    them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a
    fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"

    The old man says, "Well, fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence.

  13. Damn Beelz, there was a thread already 6 pages long with the same title. You NEWB!
    For answers to board issues, read the Suggestion and News forum at the bottom of the main page.

  14. Quote Originally Posted by Beelzebub
    A man had 50 yard line tickets for the Super Bowl. As
    he sits down, a man comes down and asks if anyone is
    sitting in the seat next to him.

    "No," he says, "The seat is empty."

    "This is incredible," said the man. "Who in their
    right mind would have a seat like this for the Super
    Bowl, the biggest sporting event in the world, and not
    use it?"

    He says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I
    was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed
    away. This is the first Super Bowl we haven't been to
    together since we got married in 1987."

    "Oh...I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But
    couldn't you find someone else, a friend or relative,
    or even a neighbor to take the seat?".

    The man shakes his head. "No they're all at the
    funeral."
    that is a real football fan

  15. subject: Al-Gebra terrorist cell discovered


    At New York's Kennedy airport today, an individual later discovered to be a public school teacher was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a setsquare, a slide rule, and a calculator. At a morning press conference, Attorney General Alberto Gonzalez said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement.

    He is being charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.

    Al-gebra is a fearsome cult," Gonzales said. "They desire average solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a search of absolute value. They use secret code names like 'x' and 'y' and refer to themselves as unknowns ', but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, 'there are 3 sides to every triangle'."


    When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes".

  16. [QUOTE=RedwolfWV]subject: Al-Gebra terrorist cell discovered


    QUOTE]
  17. Sensitivity Training


    Due to the climate of political correctness now prevailing in America:
    Carolinians, Georgians, Kentuckians, Tennesseans and West Virginians will no longer be referred to as "HILLBILLIES." You must now refer to them as APPALACHIAN-AMERICANS.

    And furthermore....


    HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

    1. She is not a "BABE"or a "CHICK" - She is a "BREASTED AMERICAN."

    2. She is not a "SCREAMER" or a "MOANER" - She is "VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE."

    3. She is not "EASY" - She is "HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE."

    4. She is not a "DUMB BLONDE" - She is a "LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY."

    5. She has not "BEEN AROUND" -She is a "PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION."

    6. She is not an "AIRHEAD" - She is "REALITY IMPAIRED."

    7. She does not get "DRUNK" or "TIPSY" - She gets "CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED."

    8. She does not have "BREAST IMPLANTS" - She is "MEDICALLY ENHANCED."

    9. She does not "NAG" you - She becomes "VERBALLY REPETITIVE."

    10. She is not a "TRAMP" - She is "SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED."

    11. She does not have "MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS" - She is "PECTORALLY SUPERIOR."

    12. She is not a "TWO-BIT HOOKER" - She is a "LOW COST PROVIDER."

    HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

    1. He does not have a "BEER GUT" - He has developed a "LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY."

    2. He is not a "BAD DANCER" - He is "OVERLY CAUCASIAN."

    3. He does not "GET LOST ALL THE TIME" - He "INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS."

    4. He is not "BALDING" - He is in "FOLLICLE REGRESSION."

    5. He is not a "CRADLE ROBBER" - He prefers "GENERATIONAL DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS."

  18. > Good, Better, Best...
    >
    > GOOD
    > In Richardson, Texas a state trooper was running radar. He had a perfect
    > spot to watch for speeders, but wasn't getting any.
    >
    > Then he discovered the problem. A 12 year old boy was standing up the
    > road
    > with a hand painted sign which read "RADAR TRAP AHEAD!"
    >
    > The officer later found a young accomplice down the road with a sign
    > reading, "TIPS" and a bucket full of money. (And we used to just sell
    > lemonade!)
    >
    > BETTER
    > A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an automated
    > radar post in Plano, Texas. A $140 speeding ticket was included.
    >
    > Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of $140.
    >
    > The police responded with another mailed photo of handcuffs.
    >
    > BEST
    > A young woman was pulled over in Austin, Texas for speeding.
    >
    > As the TX State Trooper walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket
    > book, she said, "I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the Texas
    > State
    > Police Ball."
    >
    > He replied, "Texas State Troopers don't have balls."
    >
    > There was a moment of silence while she smiled and he realized what he'd
    > just said.
    >
    > He then closed his book, got back in his patrol car and left. She was
    > laughing too hard to start her car.

  19. A guy is driving around and he sees a sign in front of a house:

    "Talking Dog For Sale."

    He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard.

    The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador retriever sitting
    there.

    "You talk?" he asks.

    "Yep," the Lab replies.

    "So, what's your story?"

    The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I
    was
    pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about
    my
    gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to
    country,
    sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a
    dog
    would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for
    eight
    years running."

    "But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't
    getting
    any
    younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the
    airport

    to
    do some undercover security wandering near suspicious characters and
    listening in."

    "I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of
    medals.
    I
    got married, had a mess of puppies and now I'm just retired."
    The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for
    the
    dog.

    "Ten dollars," the guy says.

    "Ten dollars!?! This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him
    so
    cheap?"

    "Because he's a liar. He never did any of that ****."

  20. I guy is sitting on a plane and has a black eye. He sees the guy next to him has a black eye also.

    He says "Hey how did you get your black eye?"

    "It's the funniest thing, I was at the ticket counter and the chick helping me had realy big boobs, So instead of saying I need two tickets to Pistsburg, I accidentially said 'I need two pickets to Titsburg, so she hit me"

    The first guy responded:

    "The same thing happened to me, instead saying to my wife 'Can you please pass the salt', I said 'I hate your guts you ugly bitch I wish I never met ya!'"

  21. Hospital regulations require a wheelchair for patients being discharged.

    However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman--
    already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase
    at his feet who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.

    After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.
    On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him. "I don't know, " he said.

    "She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown

  22. An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives
    left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and one said,
    "Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great.
    I would recommend it very highly.

    The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?"

    The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name of that flower
    you give to someone you love?
    You know... the one that's red and has thorns."

    "Do you mean a rose?"

    "Yes, that's the one," replied the man.

    He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled,

    "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?

  23. This thread is funny as hell. Now I need to go find some jokes to post.
  •   

      
     

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