joke of the day

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  1. OVERWORKED


    > For a couple years I've been blaming it on iron deficient

    blood, lack of
    > vitamins, dieting and a dozen other maladies. But now I

    know
    > the real reason. I'm tired because I'm overworked.
    > The population of this country is 237 million. 104 million

    are
    > retired.
    > That leaves 133 million to do the work.
    > There are 85 million in school, which leaves 48 million to

    do the work.
    > Of this, there are 29 million employed by the federal

    government. This
    > leaves 19 million to do the work. 4 million are in the

    Armed Forces,
    > which leaves 15 million to do the work.
    Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work
    > for State and City Government, and that leaves 200,000 to do

    the work.
    > There are 188,000 ill and in hospitals, so that leaves

    12,000
    > to do the work. Now, there are 11,998 people in
    > prisons. That leaves just two
    > people to do the work...
    >
    > You and me.
    >
    > And you're sitting there screwing around
    > reading jokes...

  2. Beer Troubleshooting


    SYMPTOM: Beer is crystal-clear.
    FAULT: It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up.
    ACTION: Punch him..

    SYMPTOM: Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in.
    FAULT: You've wandered into the wrong party.
    ACTION: See if they have free beer.

    SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
    FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
    ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.

    SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
    FAULT: Improper bladder control.
    ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training

    SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
    FAULT: Glass empty.
    ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

    SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
    FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
    ACTION: Have yourself chained to bar.

    SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
    FAULT: You have fallen forward.
    ACTION: See above.....

    SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
    FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
    ACTION: Retire to bog, practice in mirror..

    SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
    FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
    ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

    SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
    FAULT: You are being carried out.
    ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar..

    SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
    FAULT: Bar has closed.
    ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender, take taxi home.

    SYMPTOM: Bar suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures.
    FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
    ACTION: Cover mouth....

    SYMPTOM: Everyone looks up to you and smiles.
    FAULT: You are dancing on the table.
    ACTION: Fall on somebody cushy-looking.....

    SYMPTOM: Hands hurts, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.
    FAULT: You have been in a fight.
    ACTION: Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them.

    SYMPTOM: Your singing sounds distorted.
    FAULT: The beer is too weak.
    ACTION: Have more beer until your voice improves....

    SYMPTOM: Don't remember the words to the song.
    FAULT: Beer is just right.
    ACTION: Play air guitar......
    •   
       


  3. DARWIN AWARD WINNER FOR 1997 TO BE ANNOUNCED
    You all know about the Darwin Awards - It's an annual honor given to the person who did the gene pool the biggest service by killing him/herself in the most extraordinarily stupid way.
    It is once again time to vote for the Darwin Award nominees for 1997.
    You may recall last year's Darwin Award winner: The man who found out moments before making a 300 MPH dent in an Arizona cliff that the JATO (jet assist take off) unit he'd strapped to his car could not be turned off once it was turned on.
    1994's winner was the fellow who was killed by a Coke machine which toppled on top of him as he was attempting to tip a free soda out of it.
    The 1997 nominees are:
    NOMINEE #1 [San Jose Mercury News]
    An unidentified man, using a shotgun like a club to break a former girlfriend's windshield, accidentally shot himself to death when the gun discharged, blowing a hole in his gut.
    NOMINEE #2 [Kalamazoo Gazette, 4-1-95]
    James Burns, 34, of Alamo, Mich., was killed in March as he was trying to repair what police described as a "farm-type truck." Burns got a friend to drive the truck on a highway while Burns hung underneath so that he could ascertain the source of a troubling noise. Burns' clothes caught on something, however, and the other man found Burns "wrapped in the drive shaft."
    NOMINEE #3 [Reuters, Mississauga, Ontario]
    A man cleaning a bird feeder on the balcony of his condominium apartment in this Toronto suburb, slipped and fell 23 floors to his death while he was standing on chair on wheels. "It appears the chair moved and he went over the balcony. It's one of those freak accidents. No foul play is suspected."
    NOMINEE #4 [Hickory Daily Record 12/21/92]
    Ken Charles Barger, 47, accidentally shot himself to death in December in Newton, N.C., when, awakening to the sound of a ringing telephone beside his bed, he reached for the phone but grabbed instead a Smith & Wesson 38 Special, which discharged when he drew it to his ear.
    NOMINEE #5 [UPI, Toronto]
    Police said a lawyer demonstrating the safety of windows in a downtown Toronto skyscraper crashed through a pane with his shoulder and plunged 24 floors to his death. A police spokesman said Garry Hoy, 39, fell into the courtyard of the Toronto Dominion Bank Tower early Friday evening as he was explaining the strength of the building's windows to visiting law students. Hoy previously had conducted demonstrations of window strength according to police reports. Peter Lauwers, managing partner of the firm Holden Day Wilson, told the Toronto Sun newspaper that Hoy was "one of the best and brightest" members of the 200-man association.(editors note: This doesn't say much for the Assn.)
    NOMINEE #6 [AP, Cairo, Egypt, 31 Aug 1995 CAIRO, Egypt (AP)]
    Six people drowned Monday while trying to rescue a chicken that had fallen into a well in southern Egypt. An 18-year-old farmer was the first to descend into the 60-foot well. He drowned, apparently after an undercurrent in the water pulled him down, police said. His sister and two brothers, none of whom could swim well, went in one by one to help him, but also drowned. Two elderly farmers then came to help, but they apparently were pulled by the same undercurrent. The bodies of the six were later pulled out of the well in the village of Nazlat Imara, 240 miles south of Cairo. The chicken was also pulled out. It survived.
    NOMINEE #7 [Bloomburg News Service, 25 March]
    A terrible diet and a room with no ventilation are being blamed for the death of a man who was killed by his own gas. There was no mark on his body but autopsy showed large amounts of methane gas in his system. His diet had consisted primarily of beans and cabbage (and a couple of other things). It was just the right combination of foods. It appears that the man died in his sleep from breathing from the poisonous cloud that was hanging over his bed. Had he been outside or had his windows been opened, it wouldn't have been fatal. But the man was shut up in his near airtight bedroom. He was".. a big man with a huge capacity for creating [this deadly gas]." Three of the rescuers got sick and one was hospitalized.
    NOMINEE #9 [18 May 93, San Jose Mercury News]
    A 24-year-old salesman from Hialeah, Fla., was killed near Lantana, Fla., in March when his car smashed into a pole in the median strip of Interstate 95 in the middle of the afternoon. Police said that the man was traveling at 80 MPH and, judging by the sales manual that was found open and clutched to his chest, had been busy reading.
    NOMINEE #13 [Reuters, Warsaw, Poland, 5 May 1995]
    A poacher electrocuting fish in a lake in central Poland fell into the water and suffered the same fate as his quarry, police said Thursday. The 24-year-old man was one of four who went fishing with a cable, one end of which they attached to a net and the other to a high-voltage electricity supply line, the PAP news agency quoted a police official in Wloclawek as saying. "For a while everything went according to the poachers' plan and they had fish in their bags. But at a certain moment the man holding the net tripped and fell into the water," the agency said. The other poachers tried in vain to revive him, it said.
    NOMINEE #14 [AP, St. Louis]
    Robert Puelo, 32, was apparently being disorderly in a St. Louis market. When the clerk threatened to call police, Puelo grabbed a hot dog, shoved it in his mouth, and walked out without paying for it. Police found him unconscious in front of the store: paramedics removed the six inch wiener from his throat, where it had choked him to death.
    NOMINEE #15 [Unknown]
    The poacher Marino Malerba, who shot a stag standing above him on a overhanging rock and was killed instantly when it fell on him.
    NOMINEE 16 [Associated Press, Kincaid, W. VA]
    A man at a party popped a blasting cap into his mouth and bit down,triggering an explosion that blew off his lips, teeth and tongue, state police said Wednesday. Jerry Stromyer, 24,of Kincaid, bit the blasting cap as a prank during a party late Tuesday night, said Cpl. M.D.Payne. "Another man had it in an aquarium, hooked to a battery, and was trying to explode it," Payne said. "It wouldn't go off and this guy said, I'll show you how to set it off. "I just can't imagine anyone doing something like that," Payne said.
    NOMINEE #17 [Fort Worth Star-Telegram, 1-1-93]
    In December near Mineral Wells, Tex., three men who were attempting to steal copper wire off live electrical lines for resale were electrocuted. Copper wiring is a valuable scrap metal in Texas but is usually stolen from electric cables that are not being used.
    * Here are some people that may be future nominees/winners, but still haven't made it to the "Big Leagues"
    * [UPI, Portland, OR]
    Doctors at Portland's University Hospital said Wednesday an Oregon man shot through the skull by a hunting arrow is lucky to be alive, and will be released soon from the hospital. Tony Roberts, 25, lost his right eye last weekend during an initiation into a men's rafting club Mountain Men Anonymous, in Grants Pass, Ore. A friend tried to shoot a beer can off his head, but the arrow entered Roberts' right eye. Doctors said had the arrow gone 1 millimeter to the left, a major blood vessel would have been cut and Roberts would have died instantly. Neurosurgeon Dr. Johnny Delashaw at the University Hospital in Portland said the arrow went through 8 to 10 inches of brain, with the tip protruding at the rear of his skill, yet somehow managed to miss all major blood vessels. Delashaw also said had Robert tried to pull the arrow out on his own he surely would have killed himself. Roberts admitted afterwards he and his friends had been drinking that afternoon. Said Roberts, "I feel so dumb about this." No charges have been filed but the Josephine County district attorney's office said the initiation stunt is under investigation.
    * From The Calgary Sun Saturday, December 28,
    1996: Low Blow for Gunman VANCOUVER (CP)
    A man arguing over a love triangle accidentally shot himself in the groin, taking off his testicles and part of his penis. Police said the man was waving a .357 Magnum revolver around during the shouting match early yesterday. But when he stuffed it back in his pants the gun went off. Police were called to the hospital after the man in his 20's was brought in by friends. Charges are pending against the victim, who is expected to survive.
    * Arkansas Democrat Gazette, July 25, 1996:Two Local Men Injured in Freak Truck Accident, Cotton Patch, Ark.
    Two local men were seriously injured when their pickup truck left the road and struck a tree near Cotton Patch on State Highway 38 early Monday morning. Woodruff County deputy Dovey Snyder reported the accident shortly after midnight Monday. Thurston Poole, 33, of Des Arc and Billy RayWallis, 38, of Little Rock are listed in serious condition at Baptist Medical Center. The accident occurred as the two men were returning to Des Arc after a frog gigging trip. On an overcast Sunday night, Poole's pickup truck headlights malfunctioned. The two men concluded that the headlight fuse on the older model truck had burned out. As a replacement fuse was not available, Wallis noticed that the .22 caliber bullet from his pistol fit perfectly into the fuse box next to the steering wheel column. Upon inserting the bullet, the headlights again began to operate properly and the two men proceeded on eastbound toward the White River bridge. After traveling approximately twenty miles and just before crossing the river, the bullet apparently overheated, discharged and struck Poole in the right testicle. The vehicle swerved sharply to the right exiting the pavement and striking a tree. Poole suffered only minor cuts and abrasions from the accident, but will require surgery to repair the other wound. Wallis sustained a broken clavicle and was treated and released. "Thank God we weren't on that bridge when Thurston shot his nuts off or we might both be dead" stated Wallis.

  4. Hope this isn't a repeat....


    Why did the homo put a nicotine patch on his pecker?
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    He was trying to quit doing butts!
  5. This just about sums up the difference between men and women.


    HER DIARY

    Saturday night I thought he was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friend all day, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment.
    Conversation wasn't flowing so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk.
    He agreed, but he kept quiet and absent. I asked him what was wrong he said nothing.
    I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said it had nothing to do with me and not to worry. On the way home I told him that I loved him, he simply smiled and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior. I don't know why he didn't say "I love you too." When we got home I felt as if I had lost him, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there and watched TV. He seemed distant and absent. Finally I decided to go to bed, about 10 minutes later he came to bed and to my surprise he responded to my caress and we made love, but I still felt that he was distracted and his thoughts were somewhere else. I decided that I could not take it anymore, so I decided to confront him with the situation but he had fallen asleep. I started crying and cried until I too fell asleep.


    I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else.


    My life is a disaster.


    HIS DIARY



    I missed an enormous 10-point buck this morning.

    I can't shoot worth a damn anymore; maybe my eyesight is getting bad?

    Got laid though!
    •   
       


  6. A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye.....It reads:
    SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
    HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
    10 MILES

    He thinks it was a figment of his imagination and drives on without a second thought.....

    Soon he sees another sign, which says:
    SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
    HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
    5 MILES

    Suddenly, he begins to realize that these signs are for real.... Then he drives past a third sign saying:
    SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
    HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
    NEXT RIGHT

    His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive....
    On the side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the door reading:
    SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

    He climbs the steps and rings the bell.... The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, "What may we do for you, my son?"

    He answers, "I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly doing business.".....

    "Very well my son. Please follow me."

    He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented....

    The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, "Please knock on this door".............

    He does as he is told and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the door.....This nun instructs, "Please place $100 in the cup then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway".......

    He gets $100 out of his wallet and places it in the second nun's cup.... He trots eagerly down the hall and slips through the door, pulling it shut behind him........

    As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign:...
    GO IN PEACE. YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS.
    SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER

  7. LOL Good one
  8. PRESIDENTIAL SAVINGS PLAN


    When Bill and Hillary first got married, Bill said, "I am putting a box under our bed. You must promise never to look in it." In all their 30 years of marriage, Hillary never looked. However, on the afternoon of their 30th anniversary, curiosity got the better of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside. In the box there were 3 empty beer cans and $1,874.25 in cash.
    After dinner, Hillary could no longer contain her guilt and she confessed, saying, "I am so sorry. For all these years kept my promise and never looked in the box under our bed. However, today the temptation was too much and I gave in. But now I need to know why do you keep the empty cans in the box?"

    Bill thought for a while and said, "I guess that after all these years you deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful to you, I put an empty beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again."

    Hillary was shocked, but said, "I am very disappointed and saddened, but I guess after all those years away from home on the road, temptation does happen and I guess that 3 times is not that bad considering the number of years we've been together."

    They hugged and made their peace. A little while later, Hillary asked Bill, "So why do you have all that money in the box?"

    Bill answered, "Well, whenever the box filled up with empty cans, I took them to the recycling center and redeemed them for cash."

  9. (MORE) ACTUAL BUMPER STICKERS
    * Horn broken. Watch for finger.
    * Your kid may be an honors student, but you're still an idiot.
    * All generalizations are false.
    * Cover me. I'm changing lanes.
    * I brake for no apparent reason.
    * Learn from your parents' mistakes - use birth control.
    * I'm not as think as you drunk I am.
    * Forget about World Peace...Visualize using your turn signal.
    * We have enough youth, how about a fountain of Smart?
    * He who laughs last thinks slowest.
    * Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
    * It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
    * Auntie Em, Hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog. Dorothy.
    * Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.
    * I love cats...they taste just like chicken.
    * Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
    * Forget the Jones’s, I keep us up with the Simpsons’.
    * Born free...Taxed to death.
    * Rehab is for quitters.
    * I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.
    * All men are idiots, and I married their King.
    * Jack Kevorkian for White House Physician.
    * Work is for people who don't know how to fish.
    * I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
    * Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.
    * Sorry, I don't date outside my species.
    * No radio - Already stolen.
    * Real women don't have hot flashes, they have power surges.
    * I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
    * Some people are only alive because it is illegal to kill.
    * A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
    * Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.
    * Make it idiot-proof and someone will make a better idiot.
    * Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.

  10. Cat Lies

    A taxi arrived and a couple opened the front door to leave their house. The cat they had thrown into the yard scoots back into the house. They don't want the cat shut in the house because"he" always tries to eat the bird.. The wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, the man in hot pursuit. The wife doesn't want the driver to know the house will be empty. She explains to the taxi driver that her husband will be out soon. "He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother."
    A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab. "Sorry I took so long," he says. "Stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. Had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked. I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her into the backyard!!"

  11. A lady from California purchased a piece of timber land in Oregon. There
    was
    a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted to get a
    good view of her land so she started to climb the big tree. As she neared
    the top, she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her.
    In her haste to escape, the lady slid down the tree to the ground and got
    many splinters in her private parts. In considerable pain, she hurried to
    the nearest doctor. He listened to her story then told her to go into the
    examining room and he would see if he could help her.
    She sat and waited for three hours before the doctor reappeared. The angry
    lady demanded, "What took you so long?"
    He replied, "Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection
    Agency, Forest Service, Bureau of Land Management and then allow for public
    comment
    before I could remove old-growth timber from a recreational area."

  12. Damnit someone tell a joke!
    For answers to board issues, read the Suggestion and News forum at the bottom of the main page.
  13. Males Number One Rule:


    We always hear "the rules"
    from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules!
    Please note... these are all numbered "1"
    ON PURPOSE!

    1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

    1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

    1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

    1. Crying is blackmail.

    1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work!
    Just say it!

    1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

    1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

    1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

    1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

    1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

    1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
    Don't ask us.

    1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

    1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

    1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

    1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.

    1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

    1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

    1. If we ask what is wrong and you say nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

    1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

    1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine...Really.

    1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.

    1. You have enough clothes.

    1. You have too many shoes.

    1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.

    1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; but did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.
    My The 1 LOG: http://anabolicminds.com/forum/steroids/254164-my-one-log.html

  14. Q. What do you call it when someone farts in a gay bar?
    A. A love call.

    Q. How do you give a blind queer a thrill?
    A. Leave the plunger in the toilet.

    Q. How do lesbians handle their liquor?
    A. By the ears.

    Q. What do tight pants and a cheap motel have in common?
    A. No ball room

    Q. What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
    A. The position of the dirt bag.

    Q. What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
    A. Doughnuts.

    Q. What do you get when you put 50 lesbians and 50 politicians in a room together?
    A. 100 people who don't do dick.

    Q. What do attorneys use for birth control?
    A. Their personalities.

    Q. What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
    A. 45 lbs.

    Q. Why does a dog lick its penis?
    A. Because it can't make a fist.

    Q. What do you call two lesbians with their period?
    A. Finger painting.

    Q. How do you teach a blond math?
    A. Subtract her clothes, divide her legs, and square root her.

    Q. What did the pedophile say when he got out of jail?
    A. I feel like a kid again!

    Q. What's the last thing Tickle Me Elmo receives before he leaves the factory?
    A. Two test tickles

    Q. Why did God create alcohol?
    A. So ugly people would have a chance to have sex.

    Q. What is it when a man talks dirty to a woman?
    A. Sexual harassment.

    Q. What is it when a woman talks dirty to a man?
    A. $3.99 a minute.

    Q. What's the speed limit of sex?
    A. 68 because at 69 you have to turn around.

    Q. What's the ultimate rejection?
    A. When you're masturbating and your hand falls asleep.

    Q. Did you hear about the gay truckers?
    A. They exchanged loads.

    Q. What do you call a gay bar with no bar stools?
    A. A fruit stand!
  15. Wink


    A police officer pulls over a car with a young blonde driver in it....

    Cop : "Miss, this is a 65 MPH highway, why are you going so slowly?"

    Blonde : "Officer, I saw a lot of signs saying 22, not 65."

    Cop : "Oh miss, that's not the speed limit, that's the name of the highway you're on!"

    Blonde : "Oh! Stupid me! Thanks for letting me know, Ill be more careful from now on."

    At this point the cop looks into the back seat of the car, where the passengers are shaking and white as ghosts.

    Cop : "Excuse me miss, what's wrong with your friends back there? They're shaking something awful."

    Blonde : "Oh... We just got off of highway 119".

  16. Two good ol' boys, Bubba and Junior get promoted from Privates to Sergeants.
    Not long after, they're out for a walk and Bubba says, "Hey, Junior - there's the NCO Club. Let's you and me stop in and have us a drank."

    "But we's privates," protests Junior.
    "NO, we's sergeants now," says Bubba, pulling him inside
    "Now, Junior, I'm gonna sit down and have me a drank."
    "But, we's privates," says Junior.
    "You blind, boy!" says Bubba, pointing at his stripes. "We's Sergeants now!"

    So they order their drinks and pretty soon a hooker comes up to Bubba.
    "You're cute," she says, "and I'd like to take you someplace and make you feel good -- but I've got a bad case of gonorrhea."

    Bubba pulls his friend to the side and whispers, "Junior, go look in the dictionary and see what that gonorrhea means. If it's good, give me the okay sign."

    Junior goes to look it up, comes back, and gives Bubba the big okay sign.
    Three weeks later Bubba is laid up in the infirmary with a terrible case of gonorrhea.
    "Junior," he says, "What you give me the okay for?!"

    "Well Bubba, in the dictionary, it says gonorrhea only affects the privates."
    Then he pointed to his stripes and says, "But we's Sergeants now!
  17. Unbreakable
    David Dunn's Avatar

    The Three Little Pigs - Italian Style


    Once upon a time there were three little pigs. The straw pig, the stick pig and the brick pig.

    One day this nasty old wolf came up to the straw pig's house and said, "I'm gonna huff and puff and blow your house down." And he did !!!

    So the straw pig went running over to the stick pig's house and said, "Please let me in, the wolf just blew down my house." So the stick Pig let the straw pig in.

    Just then the wolf showed up and said, "I'm gonna huff and puff and blow your house down." And he did !!!

    So the straw pig and the stick pig went running over to the brick pig's house and said, "Let us in, let us in, the big bad wolf just blew our houses down!"

    So the brick pig let them in just as the wolf showed up. The wolf said, "I'm gonna huff and puff and blow your house down" The straw pig and the stick pig were so scared! But the brick pig picked up the phone and made a call.

    A few minutes passed and a big, black Caddy pulls up.
    Out step two massive pigs in pin striped suits and fedora hats. These pigs come over to the wolf, grab him by the neck and beat the living crap out of him, then one of them pulled out a gun, stuck it in his mouth and fired, killing the wolf, then they got back into their Caddy and drove off

    The straw pig and stick pig were amazed!!! "Who the hell were those guys?" they asked.

    "Those were my cousins... the Guinea Pigs"

  18. A Jewish man is drinking in a New York bar when he gets a call on his cell phone. He hangs up,
    grinning from ear to ear, and orders a round of drinks for everybody in the bar announcing
    his wife had produced a typical Jewish baby boy weighing 25 pounds.

    Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the Jewish guy just shrugs,
    "That's about average back home, folks......like I said, my boy's a typical Jewish Baby.
    Congratulations showered him from all around, and many exclamations of "WOW"....one woman
    actually fainted due to sympathy pains.

    Two weeks later he returns to the bar. The bartender says, "Say you're the father of that typical
    Jewish baby that weighted 25 pounds at birth. Everybody's been making bets about how big he'd
    be in two weeks. So how much does he weigh now? The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds."
    The bartender is puzzled, concerned, and a little suspicious. "What happened? He already weighed
    25 pounds the day he was born!" The Jewish father takes a long swig of Sambuca, wipes his lips on
    his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says.....

    "We had him circumcised".........

  19. A train hits a bus load of nuns and they all perish. They are all in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates past St.Peter. He asks the first nun, "Sister Karen have you ever had any contact with a penis???"
    The nun giggles and replies, "Well, once I touched the head of one with the tip of my finger."
    St Peter says OK, dip the tip of your finger in the holy water and pass through the gate.
    St Peter asks the next nun the same question. "Sister Elizabeth have you ever had any contact with a penis.."
    The nun is a little reluctant but reply's
    "Well I once fondled and stroked one..
    St Peter says, "OK dip your hand in the holy water and pass through the gate..."
    All of a sudden there is a lot of commotion in the
    line of nuns. One nun is pushing her way to the front of the line. When she reaches the front of the line St Peter says "Sister, what seems to be the rush???"
    The nun replys "If I'm going to have to gargle that holy water, I want to go before Sister Mary sticks her ass in it!!!"

  20. A driver is stuck in a traffic jam on the highway.
    Nothing is moving.
    Suddenly a man knocks on the window.
    The driver rolls down his window and asks, "What
    happened"?
    Terrorists have kidnapped Hillary Clinton, Ted
    Kennedy, Jesse Jackson, and Al Sharpton. They are
    asking for a $10 million ransom. Otherwise they are
    going to douse them with gasoline and set them on
    fire. We are going from car to car, taking up a
    collection."
    The driver asks, "How much is everyone giving, on
    average?"

    "About a gallon."

  21. A young, student nurse appears to give a man a partial sponge bath.
    "Nurse," he mumbles, from behind the oxygen mask.
    "Are my testicles black?"
    Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir, I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."
    He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles
    black?"
    Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry
    about testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and
    sheepishly pulls back the covers.
    She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around. Then, she takes a close look and says,
    "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir."
    The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was
    wonderful, but, listen very, very closely......







    "A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k

  22. Redneck Special Forces
    >
    >The Pentagon announced today the formation of a new 500-man elite
    >fighting unit called the United States Redneck Special Forces. These
    >Alabama, Arkansas, Georgia, Kentucky, Mississippi, Missouri, Oklahoma,
    >Tennessee and Texas boys will be dropped into Iraq and have been given
    >only the following facts about terrorists:
    >
    >1. The season opened today.
    >2. There is no limit.
    >3. They don't like beer, pickups, country music or Jesus.
    >4. They are DIRECTLY RESPONSIBLE for the death of Dale Earnhardt.
    >
    >We expect the problem in Iraq to be over by Friday.

    jecko

  23. DO YOU PROMISE TO TELL THE TRUTH? (Part 1)

    These are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place:

    Q: What is your date of birth?
    A: July fifteenth.
    Q: What year?
    A: Every year.

    ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ ++++++++++++++++++++++++

    Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
    A: Yes.
    Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
    A: I forget.
    Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?

    ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ ++++++++++++++++++++++++

    Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
    A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
    Q: How long has he lived with you?
    A: Forty-five years.

    ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ ++++++++++++++++++++++++

    Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?
    A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
    Q: And why did that upset you?
    A: My name is Susan.

    ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ ++++++++++++++++++++++++

    Q: And where was the location of the accident?
    A: Approximately milepost 499.
    Q: And where is milepost 499?
    A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.

    ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ ++++++++++++++++++++++++

    Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?
    A: After the accident?
    Q: Before the accident.
    A: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.
    ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ ++++++++++++++++++++++++

    Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?
    A: Yes.
    Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
    A: Yes, sir.
    Q: What did she say?
    A: What disco am I at?

    ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ ++++++++++++++++++++++++

    Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

    ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ ++++++++++++++++++++++++

    Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?

    ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ ++++++++++++++++++++++++

    Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?

  24. One day a fourth-grade teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came up -- fireman, mechanic, businessman, salesman, doctor, lawyer, and so forth.

    But little Justin was being uncharacteristically quiet, so when the teacher prodded him about his father, he replied, "My father's an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his clothes in front of other men and they put money in his underwear. Sometimes, if the offer is
    really good, he will go home with some guy and make love with him for money."

    The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some exercises and then took little Justin aside to ask him, "Is that really true about your father?"

    "No," the boy said, "He works for the Democratic National Committee and is helping to secure the nomination of Hilary Clinton, but I was too embarrassed to say that in front of the other kids."

  25. Quote Originally Posted by delta314
    One day a fourth-grade teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came up -- fireman, mechanic, businessman, salesman, doctor, lawyer, and so forth.

    But little Justin was being uncharacteristically quiet, so when the teacher prodded him about his father, he replied, "My father's an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his clothes in front of other men and they put money in his underwear. Sometimes, if the offer is
    really good, he will go home with some guy and make love with him for money."

    The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some exercises and then took little Justin aside to ask him, "Is that really true about your father?"

    "No," the boy said, "He works for the Democratic National Committee and is helping to secure the nomination of Hilary Clinton, but I was too embarrassed to say that in front of the other kids."


    LOL!!!!!!
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