joke of the day
- 01-17-2006, 01:47 PM
Two good ol' boys, Bubba and Junior get promoted from Privates to Sergeants.
Not long after, they're out for a walk and Bubba says, "Hey, Junior - there's the NCO Club. Let's you and me stop in and have us a drank."
"But we's privates," protests Junior.
"NO, we's sergeants now," says Bubba, pulling him inside
"Now, Junior, I'm gonna sit down and have me a drank."
"But, we's privates," says Junior.
"You blind, boy!" says Bubba, pointing at his stripes. "We's Sergeants now!"
So they order their drinks and pretty soon a hooker comes up to Bubba.
"You're cute," she says, "and I'd like to take you someplace and make you feel good -- but I've got a bad case of gonorrhea."
Bubba pulls his friend to the side and whispers, "Junior, go look in the dictionary and see what that gonorrhea means. If it's good, give me the okay sign."
Junior goes to look it up, comes back, and gives Bubba the big okay sign.
Three weeks later Bubba is laid up in the infirmary with a terrible case of gonorrhea.
"Junior," he says, "What you give me the okay for?!"
"Well Bubba, in the dictionary, it says gonorrhea only affects the privates."
Then he pointed to his stripes and says, "But we's Sergeants now!
- 01-27-2006, 04:20 PM
The Three Little Pigs - Italian Style
Once upon a time there were three little pigs. The straw pig, the stick pig and the brick pig.
One day this nasty old wolf came up to the straw pig's house and said, "I'm gonna huff and puff and blow your house down." And he did !!!
So the straw pig went running over to the stick pig's house and said, "Please let me in, the wolf just blew down my house." So the stick Pig let the straw pig in.
Just then the wolf showed up and said, "I'm gonna huff and puff and blow your house down." And he did !!!
So the straw pig and the stick pig went running over to the brick pig's house and said, "Let us in, let us in, the big bad wolf just blew our houses down!"
So the brick pig let them in just as the wolf showed up. The wolf said, "I'm gonna huff and puff and blow your house down" The straw pig and the stick pig were so scared! But the brick pig picked up the phone and made a call.
A few minutes passed and a big, black Caddy pulls up.
Out step two massive pigs in pin striped suits and fedora hats. These pigs come over to the wolf, grab him by the neck and beat the living crap out of him, then one of them pulled out a gun, stuck it in his mouth and fired, killing the wolf, then they got back into their Caddy and drove off
The straw pig and stick pig were amazed!!! "Who the hell were those guys?" they asked.
"Those were my cousins... the Guinea Pigs"All my life I've never stopped to worry 'bout a thing,
Open up and shout it out, an' never try to sing,
Wondering if I've done it wrong,
Will this depression last for long, wont you tell me,
Where have all the good times gone.
01-27-2006, 05:19 PM
A Jewish man is drinking in a New York bar when he gets a call on his cell phone. He hangs up,
grinning from ear to ear, and orders a round of drinks for everybody in the bar announcing
his wife had produced a typical Jewish baby boy weighing 25 pounds.
Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the Jewish guy just shrugs,
"That's about average back home, folks......like I said, my boy's a typical Jewish Baby.
Congratulations showered him from all around, and many exclamations of "WOW"....one woman
actually fainted due to sympathy pains.
Two weeks later he returns to the bar. The bartender says, "Say you're the father of that typical
Jewish baby that weighted 25 pounds at birth. Everybody's been making bets about how big he'd
be in two weeks. So how much does he weigh now? The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds."
The bartender is puzzled, concerned, and a little suspicious. "What happened? He already weighed
25 pounds the day he was born!" The Jewish father takes a long swig of Sambuca, wipes his lips on
his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says.....
"We had him circumcised".........
01-28-2006, 08:54 PM
A train hits a bus load of nuns and they all perish. They are all in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates past St.Peter. He asks the first nun, "Sister Karen have you ever had any contact with a penis???"
The nun giggles and replies, "Well, once I touched the head of one with the tip of my finger."
St Peter says OK, dip the tip of your finger in the holy water and pass through the gate.
St Peter asks the next nun the same question. "Sister Elizabeth have you ever had any contact with a penis.."
The nun is a little reluctant but reply's
"Well I once fondled and stroked one..
St Peter says, "OK dip your hand in the holy water and pass through the gate..."
All of a sudden there is a lot of commotion in the
line of nuns. One nun is pushing her way to the front of the line. When she reaches the front of the line St Peter says "Sister, what seems to be the rush???"
The nun replys "If I'm going to have to gargle that holy water, I want to go before Sister Mary sticks her ass in it!!!"
01-29-2006, 08:08 AM
A driver is stuck in a traffic jam on the highway.
Nothing is moving.
Suddenly a man knocks on the window.
The driver rolls down his window and asks, "What
Terrorists have kidnapped Hillary Clinton, Ted
Kennedy, Jesse Jackson, and Al Sharpton. They are
asking for a $10 million ransom. Otherwise they are
going to douse them with gasoline and set them on
fire. We are going from car to car, taking up a
The driver asks, "How much is everyone giving, on
"About a gallon."
01-31-2006, 07:02 PM
A young, student nurse appears to give a man a partial sponge bath.
"Nurse," he mumbles, from behind the oxygen mask.
"Are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir, I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."
He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles
Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry
about testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and
sheepishly pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around. Then, she takes a close look and says,
"There's nothing wrong with them, Sir."
The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was
wonderful, but, listen very, very closely......
"A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k
02-01-2006, 12:48 AM
Redneck Special Forces
>The Pentagon announced today the formation of a new 500-man elite
>fighting unit called the United States Redneck Special Forces. These
>Alabama, Arkansas, Georgia, Kentucky, Mississippi, Missouri, Oklahoma,
>Tennessee and Texas boys will be dropped into Iraq and have been given
>only the following facts about terrorists:
>1. The season opened today.
>2. There is no limit.
>3. They don't like beer, pickups, country music or Jesus.
>4. They are DIRECTLY RESPONSIBLE for the death of Dale Earnhardt.
>We expect the problem in Iraq to be over by Friday.
02-01-2006, 01:33 AM
DO YOU PROMISE TO TELL THE TRUTH? (Part 1)
These are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place:
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?
Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
Q: And where was the location of the accident?
A: Approximately milepost 499.
Q: And where is milepost 499?
A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.
Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?
A: After the accident?
Q: Before the accident.
A: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.
Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?
Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: What did she say?
A: What disco am I at?
Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
02-01-2006, 01:02 PM
One day a fourth-grade teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came up -- fireman, mechanic, businessman, salesman, doctor, lawyer, and so forth.
But little Justin was being uncharacteristically quiet, so when the teacher prodded him about his father, he replied, "My father's an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his clothes in front of other men and they put money in his underwear. Sometimes, if the offer is
really good, he will go home with some guy and make love with him for money."
The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some exercises and then took little Justin aside to ask him, "Is that really true about your father?"
"No," the boy said, "He works for the Democratic National Committee and is helping to secure the nomination of Hilary Clinton, but I was too embarrassed to say that in front of the other kids."
02-01-2006, 02:59 PM
02-02-2006, 08:13 AM
A man, while playing on the front nine of a complicated golf course, became confused as to where he was on the course.
Looking around, he saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her, explained his confusion and asked her if she knew that hole he was playing. She replied, "I'm on the 7th hole, and you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole." He thanked her and went back to his golf.
On the back nine the same thing happened; and he approached her again with the same request. She said, "I'm on the 14th hole, you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th hole." Once again he thanked her and returned to his play.
He finished his round and went to the clubhouse where he saw the same lady sitting at the end of the bar. He asked the bartender if he knew the lady. The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the course often.
He approached her and said, "Let me buy you a drink in appreciation for your help. I understand that you are in the sales profession. I'm in sales, also. What do you sell?"
She replied, "If I tell you,you'll laugh."
"No, I won't", he responded.
Well, if you must know," she answered, "I work for Tampax."
With that, he laughed so hard he almost lost his breath.
She said, "See I knew you would laugh."
"That's not what I'm laughing at," he replied. "I'm a salesman for Preparation H, so I'm still a hole behind you."
02-02-2006, 08:48 AM
02-02-2006, 10:28 AM
DO YOU PROMISE TO TELL THE TRUTH? (Part 2)
Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August eighth?
Q: And what were you doing at that time?
Q: She had three children, right?
Q: How many were boys?
Q: Were there any girls?
Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?
Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
Q: Did you check for breathing?
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere
02-02-2006, 03:36 PM
joke of the day
A man had 50 yard line tickets for the Super Bowl. As
he sits down, a man comes down and asks if anyone is
sitting in the seat next to him.
"No," he says, "The seat is empty."
"This is incredible," said the man. "Who in their
right mind would have a seat like this for the Super
Bowl, the biggest sporting event in the world, and not
He says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I
was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed
away. This is the first Super Bowl we haven't been to
together since we got married in 1987."
"Oh...I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But
couldn't you find someone else, a friend or relative,
or even a neighbor to take the seat?".
The man shakes his head. "No they're all at the
02-02-2006, 03:42 PM
02-02-2006, 03:43 PM
A young boy asked his Dad, "What is politics?" The father
> responded, "Well son, let me explain it this way: I'm the
> breadwinner so let's call me Capitalism. Your mother is the
> administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're
> here to take care of your needs so we'll call you the People. The
> Nanny we'll call the Working Class. Let's call your baby brother
> the Future. Now think about that and see if it makes sense."
> So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad said.
> Later that night the boys hears his baby brother crying so he gets
> up to check on him and finds that the baby has severely soiled his
> The boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother sound
> asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the Nanny's room.
> Finding the door locked he peeks through the keyhole and finds his
> father in bed with the Nanny. He then gives up and goes back to bed.
> The next morning the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I
> understand politics now".
> The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you
> think politics is all about?"
> The boy replies, "While Capitalism is screwing the Working Class,
> the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored, and
> the Future is in deep ****."
02-02-2006, 03:58 PM
02-02-2006, 04:22 PM
02-02-2006, 04:30 PM
02-02-2006, 04:36 PM
A young man is getting married and is a virgin, so he goes to his father for advice about he wedding night. Well son let me put into term you understand, you take what you used to play with when you were a teenager and put it where your wife pees, simple enough. So on the honey moon when things start getting hot she tells him shes ready, he gets up and throws his baseball glove into the toilet.
02-02-2006, 04:41 PM
A woman and man who are 60 years old are going to have sex for the first time. Brought up in a strick home no fooling around was allowed but when the womans mother dies she decides to have sex with her secret lover. As they fondle each other the woman becomes nervous as she recently found she had heart problems and doesnt want to die. He slipps the strap of her bra off and her boobie falls down to her belly button, she gets a litle red in the face and thinks how do i tell him about my heart, The second boobie rolls out as she getts even redder, ok i need to tell him. The woman says " I have acute angina" the man responds "good cause you tits are f&^Kin ugly"
02-02-2006, 04:55 PM
A buisnessman wakes up on his birthday and wonders will this day be as bad as the last. HE rolls out of bed and goes down to breakfast, noone says hi or makes conversation let alone wishing him a happy birhtday, his wife complains "are you going to fix the fence like you said you were?" "Yeah sure he" responds and heads out to work. Feeling a little dispondent and negative he then thinks well i should try to be happy it is my bday. At work it the usual none remembers but his secretary who gleefully says "hey birthday boy what do you say we leave early and go get lunch just me and you its your bday"
"well sure im having a bad day that is exactly what i could use." They head out have a wonderful lunch at a reserved table and share a few martinins she says "its such a beautiful day we dont have to go back to the office", "why not, what did you have in mind" he replies."well lets stop by my place" she says. Once inside she tell him "im going in to step into my bedroom for a moment ill be right back" And after a few minutes she came out of the room carrying a huge birthday cake followed by his friends, relatives and coworkers......
And he just sat there...
02-02-2006, 05:02 PM
02-02-2006, 11:08 PM
Default Joke - After 70
An old couple are having dinner at a restaurant and the husband leans
over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex
together over fifty years ago? We went behind this very tavern where
you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."
"Yes, she says, "I remember it well."
"Ok," he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we
can do it for old time's sake?"
"Oh Charlie, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but very good
There's a police officer sitting in the next booth listening to all
this, and having a chuckle to himself. He thinks, "I've got to see
these two old timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye
on them so there's no trouble." So he follows them.
They walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for support, aided by
walking sticks. Finally they get to the back of the tavern and make
their way to the fence.
The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As
she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.
Suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the watching
policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes. Finally,
they both collapse panting on the ground.
The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life
that he didn't know.
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old
couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on.
The Policeman, still watching thinks, this was truly amazing. I've got
to ask them what their secret is. As the couple passes, he says to
them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a
fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"
The old man says, "Well, fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence.
02-02-2006, 11:39 PM
Damn Beelz, there was a thread already 6 pages long with the same title. You NEWB!
For answers to board issues, read the Suggestion and News forum at the bottom of the main page.
02-03-2006, 01:32 AM
02-08-2006, 04:32 PM
subject: Al-Gebra terrorist cell discovered
At New York's Kennedy airport today, an individual later discovered to be a public school teacher was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a setsquare, a slide rule, and a calculator. At a morning press conference, Attorney General Alberto Gonzalez said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement.
He is being charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.
Al-gebra is a fearsome cult," Gonzales said. "They desire average solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a search of absolute value. They use secret code names like 'x' and 'y' and refer to themselves as unknowns ', but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, 'there are 3 sides to every triangle'."
When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes".
02-08-2006, 04:35 PM
02-13-2006, 06:22 PM
Due to the climate of political correctness now prevailing in America:
Carolinians, Georgians, Kentuckians, Tennesseans and West Virginians will no longer be referred to as "HILLBILLIES." You must now refer to them as APPALACHIAN-AMERICANS.
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
1. She is not a "BABE"or a "CHICK" - She is a "BREASTED AMERICAN."
2. She is not a "SCREAMER" or a "MOANER" - She is "VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE."
3. She is not "EASY" - She is "HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE."
4. She is not a "DUMB BLONDE" - She is a "LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY."
5. She has not "BEEN AROUND" -She is a "PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION."
6. She is not an "AIRHEAD" - She is "REALITY IMPAIRED."
7. She does not get "DRUNK" or "TIPSY" - She gets "CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED."
8. She does not have "BREAST IMPLANTS" - She is "MEDICALLY ENHANCED."
9. She does not "NAG" you - She becomes "VERBALLY REPETITIVE."
10. She is not a "TRAMP" - She is "SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED."
11. She does not have "MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS" - She is "PECTORALLY SUPERIOR."
12. She is not a "TWO-BIT HOOKER" - She is a "LOW COST PROVIDER."
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
1. He does not have a "BEER GUT" - He has developed a "LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY."
2. He is not a "BAD DANCER" - He is "OVERLY CAUCASIAN."
3. He does not "GET LOST ALL THE TIME" - He "INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS."
4. He is not "BALDING" - He is in "FOLLICLE REGRESSION."
5. He is not a "CRADLE ROBBER" - He prefers "GENERATIONAL DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS."
02-23-2006, 01:36 PM
> Good, Better, Best...
> In Richardson, Texas a state trooper was running radar. He had a perfect
> spot to watch for speeders, but wasn't getting any.
> Then he discovered the problem. A 12 year old boy was standing up the
> with a hand painted sign which read "RADAR TRAP AHEAD!"
> The officer later found a young accomplice down the road with a sign
> reading, "TIPS" and a bucket full of money. (And we used to just sell
> A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an automated
> radar post in Plano, Texas. A $140 speeding ticket was included.
> Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of $140.
> The police responded with another mailed photo of handcuffs.
> A young woman was pulled over in Austin, Texas for speeding.
> As the TX State Trooper walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket
> book, she said, "I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the Texas
> Police Ball."
> He replied, "Texas State Troopers don't have balls."
> There was a moment of silence while she smiled and he realized what he'd
> just said.
> He then closed his book, got back in his patrol car and left. She was
> laughing too hard to start her car.
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