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joke of the day

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  1. Registered User
    delta314's Avatar
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    A guy is driving around and he sees a sign in front of a house:

    "Talking Dog For Sale."

    He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard.

    The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador retriever sitting
    there.

    "You talk?" he asks.

    "Yep," the Lab replies.

    "So, what's your story?"

    The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I
    was
    pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about
    my
    gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to
    country,
    sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a
    dog
    would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for
    eight
    years running."

    "But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't
    getting
    any
    younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the
    airport

    to
    do some undercover security wandering near suspicious characters and
    listening in."

    "I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of
    medals.
    I
    got married, had a mess of puppies and now I'm just retired."
    The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for
    the
    dog.

    "Ten dollars," the guy says.

    "Ten dollars!?! This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him
    so
    cheap?"

    "Because he's a liar. He never did any of that ****."

  2. Advanced Member
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    I guy is sitting on a plane and has a black eye. He sees the guy next to him has a black eye also.

    He says "Hey how did you get your black eye?"

    "It's the funniest thing, I was at the ticket counter and the chick helping me had realy big boobs, So instead of saying I need two tickets to Pistsburg, I accidentially said 'I need two pickets to Titsburg, so she hit me"

    The first guy responded:

    "The same thing happened to me, instead saying to my wife 'Can you please pass the salt', I said 'I hate your guts you ugly bitch I wish I never met ya!'"
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    Hospital regulations require a wheelchair for patients being discharged.

    However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman--
    already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase
    at his feet who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.

    After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.
    On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him. "I don't know, " he said.

    "She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown
    •   
       

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    An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives
    left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and one said,
    "Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great.
    I would recommend it very highly.

    The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?"

    The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name of that flower
    you give to someone you love?
    You know... the one that's red and has thorns."

    "Do you mean a rose?"

    "Yes, that's the one," replied the man.

    He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled,

    "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?
  5. Registered User
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    This thread is funny as hell. Now I need to go find some jokes to post.
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    2 blondes walk into a building. You'd think that one of them would've seen it!
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    OK, this one is equally offensive to both Jews and Gentiles. Please delete if not appropriate...
    A Priest and a Rabbi are walking past a schoolyard. The Priest says, "Look at all those young boys. Don't you just wanna screw 'em?"
    Puzzled, the Rabbi looks at the boys, then at the Priest and asks, "Outta what?!"
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    Know the difference between the Ringling Bros. Circus and the Rockettes?

    The circus is a cunning array of stunts...
  9. Senior Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by delta314
    A guy is driving around and he sees a sign in front of a house:

    "Talking Dog For Sale."

    He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard.

    The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador retriever sitting
    there.

    "You talk?" he asks.

    "Yep," the Lab replies.

    "So, what's your story?"

    The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I
    was
    pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about
    my
    gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to
    country,
    sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a
    dog
    would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for
    eight
    years running."

    "But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't
    getting
    any
    younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the
    airport

    to
    do some undercover security wandering near suspicious characters and
    listening in."

    "I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of
    medals.
    I
    got married, had a mess of puppies and now I'm just retired."
    The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for
    the
    dog.

    "Ten dollars," the guy says.

    "Ten dollars!?! This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him
    so
    cheap?"

    "Because he's a liar. He never did any of that ****."
    Reps for that one!
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    Quote Originally Posted by Bionic
    OK, this one is equally offensive to both Jews and Gentiles. Please delete if not appropriate...
    A Priest and a Rabbi are walking past a schoolyard. The Priest says, "Look at all those young boys. Don't you just wanna screw 'em?"
    Puzzled, the Rabbi looks at the boys, then at the Priest and asks, "Outta what?!"
    Classic...

    And that offends you as a Jewish man?

    No! it offends me as a comedian!
  11. Registered User
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    Oil change


    Oil Change instructions for Women:
    1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000
    miles since the
    last
    oil change.
    2) Drink a cup of coff ee.
    3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a
    properly maintained
    vehicle.

    Money spent:
    Oil Change $20.00
    Coffee $1.00
    Total $21.00
    ============================== ============================

    Oil Change instructions for Men:
    1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and
    buy a case of oil,
    filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree,
    write a check for $50.00.
    2) Stop by 7 - 11 and buy a case of beer, write a
    check for $20, drive
    home.

    3) Open a beer and drink it.
    4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
    5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
    6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
    7) Place drain pan under engine.
    8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
    9) Give up and use crescent wren ch.
    10) Unscrew drain plug.
    11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in
    process. Cuss.
    12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms.
    Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.
    13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.
    14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
    15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil
    filter and twist off
    16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter
    splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter
    among trash in
    trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.
    17) Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him.
    Decide to finish oil change tomorrow so you can go see his new
    garage door opener.
    18) Sunday: Skip church because "I gotta finish the oil change." Drag
    pan
    full of old oil out from underneath car. Cleverly dump oil in hole
    in back
    yard instead of taking it back to Kragen to recycle.
    19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.
    20) Beer? No, drank it all yesterday.
    21) Walk to 7-11; buy beer.
    22) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to
    gasket surface.
    23) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
    24) Remember drain plug from step 11.
    25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
    26) Remember that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard,
    along with drain plug.
    27) Drink beer
    28) Shovel out hole and sift oily mud for drain plug. Re-shovel oily
    dirt
    into hole. Steal sand from kids sandbox to cleverly cover oily
    patch of
    ground and avoid environmental penalties. Wash drain plug in
    lawnmower gas.
    29) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw
    kitty
    litter on oil spill.
    30) Drink beer.
    31) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with
    oily rag
    used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench
    tightening drain
    plug and bang knuckles on frame .
    32) Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step 31.
    33) Begin cussing fit.
    34) Throw stupid crescent wrench.
    35) Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit bowling trophy.
    36) Beer.
    37) Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood
    flow.
    38) Beer.
    39) Beer.
    40) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
    41) Beer.
    42) Lower car from jack stands.
    43) Accidentally crush remaining case of new motor oil.
    44) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled
    during steps 23 - 43.
    45) Beer.
    46) Test drive car.
    47) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
    48) Car gets impounded.
    49) Call loving wife, make bail.
    50) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.

    Money spent:

    Parts $50.00
    DUI $2500.00
    Impound fee $75.00
    Bail $1500.00
    Beer $40.00
    Total - - $4,165.00
  12. I know nothing...
    DmitryWI's Avatar
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    how true it is
  13. Registered User
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    Two Old Men


    > **two Old Men Decide They Are Close To Their Last Days And Decide To
    > Have A Last Night On The Town. After A Few Drinks, They End Up At The
    > Local Brothel. ***
    >
    > **the Madam Takes One Look At The Two Old Geezers And Whispers To Her
    > Manager, "go Up To The First Two Bedrooms And Put An Inflated Doll In
    > Each Bed. These Two Are So Old And Drunk, I'm Not Wasting Two Of My
    > Girls On Them They Won't Know The Difference." **
    >
    > **the Manager Does As He Is Told And The Two Old Men Go Upstairs And
    > Take Care Of Their Business. **
    >
    > **as They Are Walking Home The First Man Says, "you Know, I Think My
    > Girl Was Dead!" **
    > **"dead?"**** Says His Friend, "why Would You Say That?" ***
    >
    >
    >
    > **"well, She Never Moved Or Made A Sound All The Time I Was Loving Her."
    ***
    >
    > **his Friend Says, "i Think Mine Was A Witch." ***
    >
    >
    >
    > **"a Witch, Why The Hell Would You Say That?"**
    >
    >
    >
    > **"well, I Was Making Love To Her, Kissing Her On The Neck And I Gave
    > Her A Little Bite, Then She Farted And Flew Out The Window**
  14. Registered User
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    LIFE IN SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA

    San Diego, California... A Highway Patrolman pulled a car over and told the driver that because he had been wearing his seat belt, he had just won $5,000 in the statewide safety competition. "What are you going to do with the money?" asked the policeman. "Well, I guess I'm going to get a driver's license," he answered. "Oh, don't listen to him," yelled a woman in the passenger seat. "He's a smart aleck when he's drunk." This woke up the guy in the back seat who took one look at the cop and moaned," I knew we wouldn't get far in a stolen car." At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a voice said, in Spanish, "Are we over the border yet?"
  15. Registered User
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    rofl nice ones gents
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