joke of the day

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  1. The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment...Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

    The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

    Ashley said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess."

    "What's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher.

    "Don't put all your eggs in one basket!"

    "Very good," said the teacher.

    Next, little Sarah raised her hand and said, "Our family are farmers too.But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks. The moral to this story is, "Don't count your chickens before they're hatched."

    "That was a fine story, Sarah. Michael?...Do you have a story to share?"

    "Yes, my daddy told me this story about my Aunt Karen. Aunt Karen was a flight engineer in the Gulf War and her plane was hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whisky, a machine gun and a machete. She drank the whisky on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of a hundred enemy troops.

    "She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke. Then she killed the last ten with her bare hands."

    "Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "what kind of moral is in that horrible story?"

    "Stay the f#ck away from Aunt Karen when she's been drinking!"

  2. Quote Originally Posted by delta314
    >>>> >FEMALE INTERVIEWER: But you're equipping them to
    >>>> become violent
    >>>> >killers.
    >>>> >
    >>>> >GENERAL REINWALD: Well, Ma'am, you're equipped to be
    >>>> a prostitute,
    >>>> >but
    >>>> >you're not one, are you?
    >>>> >
    >>>> >The radio went silent and the interview ended.
    >>>> >
    >>>> >You gotta love the
    >>>> Marines!
    I love it.
  3. children dont read

    A man and his wife are driving to the top of a tall, winding mountain. The man, who is driving is extremely cautious and slow. His wife is getting impatient, so she makes a deal with him. "For every mile you go faster, I will take off a piece of clothing!" Agreeing to the offer, he begins to put the petal to the metal. In a minute, she is completely naked. The husband is too busy looking at his wife to stay concentrated on the road, so they drive off the edge of the mountain. The woman is thrown from the car virtually unharmed, while her husband is crushed under the car with only his leg sticking out. The woman decides to place her husband's shoe over her ***** to cover herself while she flags down a car. As she approaches the edge of the road, a trucker sees her and stops. The frantic woman yells, "Help me! Help me! My husband is stuck!" The trucker then looks at the woman's shoe and replies, "Well... if he's in that far, I don't think I can help."

  4. > Subject: Cowboys & Indians
    > Three strangers strike up a conversation in the airport passenger lounge
    > in Bozeman, Montana, awaiting their flights.
    > One is an American Indian passing through from Lame Deer. Another is a
    > Cowboy on his way to Billings for a livestock show and the third
    > passenger is a fundamentalist Arab student, newly arrived at Montana
    > State University from the Middle East.
    > Their discussion drifts to their diverse cultures. Soon, the two
    > Westerners learn that the Arab is a devout, radical Muslim and the
    > conversation falls into an uneasy lull.
    > The cowboy leans back in his chair, crosses his boots on a magazine table
    > and tips his big sweat-stained hat forward over his face. The wind
    > outside is blowing tumbleweeds around, and the old windsock is flapping;
    > but still no plane comes.
    > Finally, the American Indian clears his throat and softly he speaks, At
    > one time here, my people were many, but sadly, now we are few."
    > The Muslim student raises an eyebrow and leans forward, "Once my people
    > were few," he sneers, "and now we are many. Why do you suppose that is?"
    > The Montana cowboy shifts his toothpick to one side of his mouth and from
    > the darkness beneath his Stetson says in a drawl, "That's 'cause we
    > ain't played Cowboys and Muslims yet, but I do believe it's a-comin'."

    There is no way in hell I'm going to let any part of your body touch any part of mine, again.
    ... without you in it.
    We haven't had a fight in a while.
    ... you cheap slob!
    I just don't want you as a boyfriend now.
    I can't believe you have nothing planned.
    My puppy does this, too.
    I LIKE YOU, BUT...
    I don't like you.
    ... just not in that way.
    You never listen.
    I'm not going to sleep with you until I find out if this guy at the gym has a girlfriend.
    I'm ready, but I'm going to make you wait because I know you will.
    I'm just being nice; there's no way I'm going dutch.
    Well, near there; I just want to get this over with.
    We're gonna get sloppy and make fun of you and your friends.
    I'm hungry.
    I'm sleepy.
    I'M TIRED.
    I'm tired.
    Get out of the way.
    Get out of the way and stay away until it clears.
    I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
    I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
    I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
    I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
    I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
    I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
    Nice cleavage!
    I want to fondle you!
    I don't see why you're making such a big deal out of this.
    What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now?
    I guess sex tonight is out of the question.
    I'M BORED.
    Do you want to have sex?
    Can we have sex now?
    OK, I said it. We'd better have sex now!
    That was great sex. Let's have more!
    That was great sex. Let's have more!
    I liked it better before.
    $50 and it doesn't look that much different!
    For $50 they should have GIVEN YOU hair!
    I'm trying to impress you by showing you that I am a deep person, and maybe then you'd like to have sex with me.
    I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys.
    I might as well get tax benefits for going through these talks.
    Why do you ask when you aren't going to listen anyway?
    Pick any freakin' dress and let's go home!
    Pick any freakin' dress and let's go home!
    Pick any freakin' dress and let's go home!
    ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ . . . . . . . .
    Pick any freakin' dress and let's go home!
    I'm gay
    I'm really stupid!

  6. An Amish Man and his son were standing in a fancy department store for the first time.

    They see these big shiny doors open and an ugly old women got in and they shut.

    After 2 minutes the doors opened and a beutifull young woman got out...

    The dad said to his son...

    "Quick, go get your mom!"

  7. An Irishman had been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender
    finally said that the bar is closing. So the Irishman stood up to
    leave and fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one more time; same

    He figured he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that
    will sober him up.

    Once outside he stood up and fell flat on his face. So he decided to
    crawl the 4 blocks to his home. When he arrived at the door he stood
    up and again fell flat on his face. He crawled through the door and
    into his bedroom.

    When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up. This time
    he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right into bed
    and is sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow. He was
    awakened the next morning to his wife standing over him, shouting,
    "So, you've been out drinking again!!"

    "What makes you say that?" he asked, putting on an innocent look.

    "The pub called -- you left your wheelchair there again."


    An American is having breakfast one morning (coffee, croissants, bread, butter and jam) when a Frenchman, chewing bubble-gum, sits down next to him. The American ignores the Frenchman who, nevertheless, starts a conversation.

    Frenchman: "You American folk eat the whole bread??"

    American (in a bad mood): "Of course."

    Frenchman: (after blowing a huge bubble) "We don't. In France, we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle it, transform them into croissants and sell them to the states." The Frenchman has a smirk on his face.

    The American listens in silence.

    The Frenchman persists: "Do you eat jelly with the bread??"

    American: "Of Course."

    Frenchman: (cracking his bubble-gum between his teeth and chuckling).

    "We don't. In France we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam and sell the jam to the states."

    After a moment of silence, The American then asks: "Do you have sex in France?"

    Frenchman: "Why of course we do", he says with a big smirk.

    American: "And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?"

    Frenchman: "We throw them away, of course."

    American: "We don't. In America, we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into bubble-gum and sell them to France."

  9. A city slicker friend of mine wanted to come hunt with me this deer season,
    so I told him to come on. I had some private land a rancher let me hunt on,
    but I had to let him know anytime I went there. As we drove up the long path
    to the rancher's homestead, I told my friend to wait in the truck while I
    went in and ask the man if if we could hunt. The rancher told me it was ok
    to hunt, but he ask me if I would do something for him before we went
    hunting, he had an old donkey that was on its last leg and and if I would
    put it down for him. I said no problem. When I got back to the truck I
    thought I would have a little fun with my friend. I acted real mad and I
    told him the rancher would not let us hunt. Then I pulled out my rifle and I
    said "you see that donkey over there?", watch this. "POW" The donkey hit the
    ground.... I had to turn my head to keep form laughing. Then, all the
    sudden, I heard 2 more shots ring out and my friend yell "I got 2 of his
    cows! Quick lets get out of here!"
  10. Things People Say........

    You will feel smarter after you read these responses.
    > >
    > > Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
    > > Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever,
    > > because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever,
    > > but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever,"
    > > --Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.
    > >
    > > "Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the
    > > I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not
    > > all those flies and death and stuff,"
    > > -- Mariah Carey
    > >
    > > "Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of
    > > your life,"
    > > -- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for a
    > > federal anti-smoking campaign.
    > >
    > > "I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body,"
    > > -- Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.
    > >
    > > "Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates
    > > the country,"
    > > -- Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC.
    > >
    > > "We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees,"
    > > -- Jason Kidd, upon his drafting to the Dallas Mavericks.
    > >
    > > "I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are
    > > the president,"
    > > -- Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents.
    > >
    > > "That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and
    > > I'm just the one to do it,"
    > > -- A congressional candidate in Texas.
    > >
    > > "Half this game is ninety percent mental."
    > > -- Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark
    > >
    > > "It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities
    > > our air and water that are doing it."
    > > -- Al Gore, Vice President
    > >
    > > "If you let that sort of thing go on, your bread and butter will be cut
    > > right out from under your feet,"
    > > -- Former British foreign minister, Ernest Bevin.
    > >
    > > "I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix."
    > > -- Dan Quayle
    > >
    > > "We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?"
    > > -- Lee Iacocca
    > >
    > > "I was provided with additional input that was radically different from
    > > the truth. I assisted in furthering that version,"
    > > -- Colonel Oliver North, from his Iran-Contra testimony.
    > >
    > > "The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like
    > > Norman Einstein,"
    > > -- Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.
    > >
    > > "We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of
    > > people.
    > > -- Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.
    > >
    > > "If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."
    > > -- Bill Clinton, President
    > >
    > > "We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur."
    > > -- Al Gore, VP
    > >
    > > "Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas."
    > > - Keppel Enderbery
    > >
    > > "The loss of life will be irreplaceable."
    > > -- Dan Quayle
    > >
    > > "I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the only regret I have
    > > that I didn't study my Latin harder in school so I could converse with
    > > those people."
    > > -- Dan Quayle, VP
    > >
    > > "It is wonderful to be here in the great state of Chicago!"
    > > -- Dan Quayle, VP
    > >
    > > "Hawaii is a unique state. It is a small state. It is a state that is
    > > itself. It is different from the other 49 states. Well, all states are
    > > different, but it's got a particularly unique situation."
    > > -- Dan Quayle, VP
    > >
    > > "Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we
    > > notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if
    > > is a change in your circumstances."
    > > -- Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina
    > >
    > > "We apologize for the error in last week's paper in which we stated that
    > > Mr. Arnold Dogbody was a defective in the police force. We meant, of
    > > course, that Mr. Dogbody is a detective in the police farce."
    > > -- Correction Notice in the Ely Standard, a British newspaper
    > >
    > > "If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as
    > > go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the
    > > next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record."
    > > -- Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman

  11. An Arizona couple, both well into their 80s, go to a sex therapist's office.
    The doctor asks, "What can I do for you?"
    The man says, "Will you watch us make love?" The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees. When the couple finishes, the doctor says, "There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you make love." He thanks them for coming, wishes them good luck, charges them $50 and says good-bye.
    The next week, however, the couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees.
    This happens several weeks in a row. The couple makes an appointment, makes love with no problems, pays the doctor, then leaves.

    Finally, after seven or eight weeks of this, the doctor says, "I'm sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?"
    The old man says, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $98. The Hilton charges $139. We do it here for $50, and I get $43 back from Medicare!"

  12. A rich old man was well known for paying large sums of money to individuals that could do something beyond a normal persons abilities. He would gather them and host tournaments between the best of the best. On one occasion he ran an ad through papers all around the world searching for men that could stay awake for long periods of time. Many people came forth claiming their advanced abilities to go without sleep. These men were then narrowed down to three. The three that remained were then told the rules of the game. They would each be sent to different deserted islands and forced to stay there one month. Whoever could remain awake for that time would be the winner and inherit the old man's fortunes. They were each given one wish of what they wanted on the island to help them stay awake. The first man wished for a dozen women to pass the time. The second asked for a case of Vivarin to help him through the month. The last man asked for 30 cartons of cigarettes due to his strong addiction. After they had all received their supplies they were sent to their respective islands to begin the competition. After the month had finished the old man, in his private helicopter, went to each island to see who was able to remain awake. The first man that had requested the 12 women was sound asleep when the old man arrived, however he did have a big smile on his face while sleeping. The second man that had requested the Vivarin was found dead. Apparently he had died quite recently of a overdose. When the old man arrived at the last island the man that had requested the thirty cartons of cigarettes was wide awake and running back and forth across the island. The old man landed and congratulated the man for winning the competition. All that the man could say was, "dddddooeessss annyyyboddddddyyyyyy havvvvvvveeee aaaaaaaaa liiiiiiggggghhhttttttttt!!!!!! !!?????????"

  13. not for the easily disgusted...

    So 2 guys, billy and ed, were sitting in ed's house. Ed says "theres this girl up the street that can give head while singing opera."

    So they go up the street...

    The girl, jane, says she can, but the lights have to be off when she does it. Ed decides to go first. He goes in her room, she turns the light off, and she starts giving him head while singing opera.

    Billy, pissed off, decides ed is taking too long. He breaks into the room, turns on the light. Just as that happens, jane pops in her glass eye.
  14. Women was created

    First the Lord made man in the Garden of Eden.
    Then he said to himself, "There's something he's needing' ". After casting about for a suitable pearl, He kept messing around and created a girl.

    Two beautiful legs, so long and so slender,
    Round, slim, and firm, and ever so tender.
    Two lovely hips to increase his desire,
    And rounded and firm to bring out the fire.
    Two lovely breasts, so full and so proud,
    Commanding his eyes, as he whispers aloud.
    Two lovely arms, just aching to bless you,
    And two loving hands, to soothe and caress you.
    Soft, cascading hair hung down over her shoulder,
    And two dreamy eyes, just to make him grow bolder.
    'Twas made for a man, just to make his heart sing.
    Then he added a mouth.

    Ruined the whole ****ing thing

    > For a couple years I've been blaming it on iron deficient

    blood, lack of
    > vitamins, dieting and a dozen other maladies. But now I

    > the real reason. I'm tired because I'm overworked.
    > The population of this country is 237 million. 104 million

    > retired.
    > That leaves 133 million to do the work.
    > There are 85 million in school, which leaves 48 million to

    do the work.
    > Of this, there are 29 million employed by the federal

    government. This
    > leaves 19 million to do the work. 4 million are in the

    Armed Forces,
    > which leaves 15 million to do the work.
    Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work
    > for State and City Government, and that leaves 200,000 to do

    the work.
    > There are 188,000 ill and in hospitals, so that leaves

    > to do the work. Now, there are 11,998 people in
    > prisons. That leaves just two
    > people to do the work...
    > You and me.
    > And you're sitting there screwing around
    > reading jokes...
  16. Beer Troubleshooting

    SYMPTOM: Beer is crystal-clear.
    FAULT: It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up.
    ACTION: Punch him..

    SYMPTOM: Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in.
    FAULT: You've wandered into the wrong party.
    ACTION: See if they have free beer.

    SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
    FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
    ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.

    SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
    FAULT: Improper bladder control.
    ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training

    SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
    FAULT: Glass empty.
    ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

    SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
    FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
    ACTION: Have yourself chained to bar.

    SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
    FAULT: You have fallen forward.
    ACTION: See above.....

    SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
    FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
    ACTION: Retire to bog, practice in mirror..

    SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
    FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
    ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

    SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
    FAULT: You are being carried out.
    ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar..

    SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
    FAULT: Bar has closed.
    ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender, take taxi home.

    SYMPTOM: Bar suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures.
    FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
    ACTION: Cover mouth....

    SYMPTOM: Everyone looks up to you and smiles.
    FAULT: You are dancing on the table.
    ACTION: Fall on somebody cushy-looking.....

    SYMPTOM: Hands hurts, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.
    FAULT: You have been in a fight.
    ACTION: Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them.

    SYMPTOM: Your singing sounds distorted.
    FAULT: The beer is too weak.
    ACTION: Have more beer until your voice improves....

    SYMPTOM: Don't remember the words to the song.
    FAULT: Beer is just right.
    ACTION: Play air guitar......

    You all know about the Darwin Awards - It's an annual honor given to the person who did the gene pool the biggest service by killing him/herself in the most extraordinarily stupid way.
    It is once again time to vote for the Darwin Award nominees for 1997.
    You may recall last year's Darwin Award winner: The man who found out moments before making a 300 MPH dent in an Arizona cliff that the JATO (jet assist take off) unit he'd strapped to his car could not be turned off once it was turned on.
    1994's winner was the fellow who was killed by a Coke machine which toppled on top of him as he was attempting to tip a free soda out of it.
    The 1997 nominees are:
    NOMINEE #1 [San Jose Mercury News]
    An unidentified man, using a shotgun like a club to break a former girlfriend's windshield, accidentally shot himself to death when the gun discharged, blowing a hole in his gut.
    NOMINEE #2 [Kalamazoo Gazette, 4-1-95]
    James Burns, 34, of Alamo, Mich., was killed in March as he was trying to repair what police described as a "farm-type truck." Burns got a friend to drive the truck on a highway while Burns hung underneath so that he could ascertain the source of a troubling noise. Burns' clothes caught on something, however, and the other man found Burns "wrapped in the drive shaft."
    NOMINEE #3 [Reuters, Mississauga, Ontario]
    A man cleaning a bird feeder on the balcony of his condominium apartment in this Toronto suburb, slipped and fell 23 floors to his death while he was standing on chair on wheels. "It appears the chair moved and he went over the balcony. It's one of those freak accidents. No foul play is suspected."
    NOMINEE #4 [Hickory Daily Record 12/21/92]
    Ken Charles Barger, 47, accidentally shot himself to death in December in Newton, N.C., when, awakening to the sound of a ringing telephone beside his bed, he reached for the phone but grabbed instead a Smith & Wesson 38 Special, which discharged when he drew it to his ear.
    NOMINEE #5 [UPI, Toronto]
    Police said a lawyer demonstrating the safety of windows in a downtown Toronto skyscraper crashed through a pane with his shoulder and plunged 24 floors to his death. A police spokesman said Garry Hoy, 39, fell into the courtyard of the Toronto Dominion Bank Tower early Friday evening as he was explaining the strength of the building's windows to visiting law students. Hoy previously had conducted demonstrations of window strength according to police reports. Peter Lauwers, managing partner of the firm Holden Day Wilson, told the Toronto Sun newspaper that Hoy was "one of the best and brightest" members of the 200-man association.(editors note: This doesn't say much for the Assn.)
    NOMINEE #6 [AP, Cairo, Egypt, 31 Aug 1995 CAIRO, Egypt (AP)]
    Six people drowned Monday while trying to rescue a chicken that had fallen into a well in southern Egypt. An 18-year-old farmer was the first to descend into the 60-foot well. He drowned, apparently after an undercurrent in the water pulled him down, police said. His sister and two brothers, none of whom could swim well, went in one by one to help him, but also drowned. Two elderly farmers then came to help, but they apparently were pulled by the same undercurrent. The bodies of the six were later pulled out of the well in the village of Nazlat Imara, 240 miles south of Cairo. The chicken was also pulled out. It survived.
    NOMINEE #7 [Bloomburg News Service, 25 March]
    A terrible diet and a room with no ventilation are being blamed for the death of a man who was killed by his own gas. There was no mark on his body but autopsy showed large amounts of methane gas in his system. His diet had consisted primarily of beans and cabbage (and a couple of other things). It was just the right combination of foods. It appears that the man died in his sleep from breathing from the poisonous cloud that was hanging over his bed. Had he been outside or had his windows been opened, it wouldn't have been fatal. But the man was shut up in his near airtight bedroom. He was".. a big man with a huge capacity for creating [this deadly gas]." Three of the rescuers got sick and one was hospitalized.
    NOMINEE #9 [18 May 93, San Jose Mercury News]
    A 24-year-old salesman from Hialeah, Fla., was killed near Lantana, Fla., in March when his car smashed into a pole in the median strip of Interstate 95 in the middle of the afternoon. Police said that the man was traveling at 80 MPH and, judging by the sales manual that was found open and clutched to his chest, had been busy reading.
    NOMINEE #13 [Reuters, Warsaw, Poland, 5 May 1995]
    A poacher electrocuting fish in a lake in central Poland fell into the water and suffered the same fate as his quarry, police said Thursday. The 24-year-old man was one of four who went fishing with a cable, one end of which they attached to a net and the other to a high-voltage electricity supply line, the PAP news agency quoted a police official in Wloclawek as saying. "For a while everything went according to the poachers' plan and they had fish in their bags. But at a certain moment the man holding the net tripped and fell into the water," the agency said. The other poachers tried in vain to revive him, it said.
    NOMINEE #14 [AP, St. Louis]
    Robert Puelo, 32, was apparently being disorderly in a St. Louis market. When the clerk threatened to call police, Puelo grabbed a hot dog, shoved it in his mouth, and walked out without paying for it. Police found him unconscious in front of the store: paramedics removed the six inch wiener from his throat, where it had choked him to death.
    NOMINEE #15 [Unknown]
    The poacher Marino Malerba, who shot a stag standing above him on a overhanging rock and was killed instantly when it fell on him.
    NOMINEE 16 [Associated Press, Kincaid, W. VA]
    A man at a party popped a blasting cap into his mouth and bit down,triggering an explosion that blew off his lips, teeth and tongue, state police said Wednesday. Jerry Stromyer, 24,of Kincaid, bit the blasting cap as a prank during a party late Tuesday night, said Cpl. M.D.Payne. "Another man had it in an aquarium, hooked to a battery, and was trying to explode it," Payne said. "It wouldn't go off and this guy said, I'll show you how to set it off. "I just can't imagine anyone doing something like that," Payne said.
    NOMINEE #17 [Fort Worth Star-Telegram, 1-1-93]
    In December near Mineral Wells, Tex., three men who were attempting to steal copper wire off live electrical lines for resale were electrocuted. Copper wiring is a valuable scrap metal in Texas but is usually stolen from electric cables that are not being used.
    * Here are some people that may be future nominees/winners, but still haven't made it to the "Big Leagues"
    * [UPI, Portland, OR]
    Doctors at Portland's University Hospital said Wednesday an Oregon man shot through the skull by a hunting arrow is lucky to be alive, and will be released soon from the hospital. Tony Roberts, 25, lost his right eye last weekend during an initiation into a men's rafting club Mountain Men Anonymous, in Grants Pass, Ore. A friend tried to shoot a beer can off his head, but the arrow entered Roberts' right eye. Doctors said had the arrow gone 1 millimeter to the left, a major blood vessel would have been cut and Roberts would have died instantly. Neurosurgeon Dr. Johnny Delashaw at the University Hospital in Portland said the arrow went through 8 to 10 inches of brain, with the tip protruding at the rear of his skill, yet somehow managed to miss all major blood vessels. Delashaw also said had Robert tried to pull the arrow out on his own he surely would have killed himself. Roberts admitted afterwards he and his friends had been drinking that afternoon. Said Roberts, "I feel so dumb about this." No charges have been filed but the Josephine County district attorney's office said the initiation stunt is under investigation.
    * From The Calgary Sun Saturday, December 28,
    1996: Low Blow for Gunman VANCOUVER (CP)
    A man arguing over a love triangle accidentally shot himself in the groin, taking off his testicles and part of his penis. Police said the man was waving a .357 Magnum revolver around during the shouting match early yesterday. But when he stuffed it back in his pants the gun went off. Police were called to the hospital after the man in his 20's was brought in by friends. Charges are pending against the victim, who is expected to survive.
    * Arkansas Democrat Gazette, July 25, 1996:Two Local Men Injured in Freak Truck Accident, Cotton Patch, Ark.
    Two local men were seriously injured when their pickup truck left the road and struck a tree near Cotton Patch on State Highway 38 early Monday morning. Woodruff County deputy Dovey Snyder reported the accident shortly after midnight Monday. Thurston Poole, 33, of Des Arc and Billy RayWallis, 38, of Little Rock are listed in serious condition at Baptist Medical Center. The accident occurred as the two men were returning to Des Arc after a frog gigging trip. On an overcast Sunday night, Poole's pickup truck headlights malfunctioned. The two men concluded that the headlight fuse on the older model truck had burned out. As a replacement fuse was not available, Wallis noticed that the .22 caliber bullet from his pistol fit perfectly into the fuse box next to the steering wheel column. Upon inserting the bullet, the headlights again began to operate properly and the two men proceeded on eastbound toward the White River bridge. After traveling approximately twenty miles and just before crossing the river, the bullet apparently overheated, discharged and struck Poole in the right testicle. The vehicle swerved sharply to the right exiting the pavement and striking a tree. Poole suffered only minor cuts and abrasions from the accident, but will require surgery to repair the other wound. Wallis sustained a broken clavicle and was treated and released. "Thank God we weren't on that bridge when Thurston shot his nuts off or we might both be dead" stated Wallis.

  18. Hope this isn't a repeat....

    Why did the homo put a nicotine patch on his pecker?
    He was trying to quit doing butts!
  19. This just about sums up the difference between men and women.


    Saturday night I thought he was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friend all day, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment.
    Conversation wasn't flowing so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk.
    He agreed, but he kept quiet and absent. I asked him what was wrong he said nothing.
    I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said it had nothing to do with me and not to worry. On the way home I told him that I loved him, he simply smiled and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior. I don't know why he didn't say "I love you too." When we got home I felt as if I had lost him, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there and watched TV. He seemed distant and absent. Finally I decided to go to bed, about 10 minutes later he came to bed and to my surprise he responded to my caress and we made love, but I still felt that he was distracted and his thoughts were somewhere else. I decided that I could not take it anymore, so I decided to confront him with the situation but he had fallen asleep. I started crying and cried until I too fell asleep.

    I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else.

    My life is a disaster.


    I missed an enormous 10-point buck this morning.

    I can't shoot worth a damn anymore; maybe my eyesight is getting bad?

    Got laid though!

  20. A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye.....It reads:
    10 MILES

    He thinks it was a figment of his imagination and drives on without a second thought.....

    Soon he sees another sign, which says:
    5 MILES

    Suddenly, he begins to realize that these signs are for real.... Then he drives past a third sign saying:

    His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive....
    On the side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the door reading:

    He climbs the steps and rings the bell.... The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, "What may we do for you, my son?"

    He answers, "I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly doing business.".....

    "Very well my son. Please follow me."

    He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented....

    The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, "Please knock on this door".............

    He does as he is told and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the door.....This nun instructs, "Please place $100 in the cup then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway".......

    He gets $100 out of his wallet and places it in the second nun's cup.... He trots eagerly down the hall and slips through the door, pulling it shut behind him........

    As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign:...

  21. LOL Good one

    When Bill and Hillary first got married, Bill said, "I am putting a box under our bed. You must promise never to look in it." In all their 30 years of marriage, Hillary never looked. However, on the afternoon of their 30th anniversary, curiosity got the better of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside. In the box there were 3 empty beer cans and $1,874.25 in cash.
    After dinner, Hillary could no longer contain her guilt and she confessed, saying, "I am so sorry. For all these years kept my promise and never looked in the box under our bed. However, today the temptation was too much and I gave in. But now I need to know why do you keep the empty cans in the box?"

    Bill thought for a while and said, "I guess that after all these years you deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful to you, I put an empty beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again."

    Hillary was shocked, but said, "I am very disappointed and saddened, but I guess after all those years away from home on the road, temptation does happen and I guess that 3 times is not that bad considering the number of years we've been together."

    They hugged and made their peace. A little while later, Hillary asked Bill, "So why do you have all that money in the box?"

    Bill answered, "Well, whenever the box filled up with empty cans, I took them to the recycling center and redeemed them for cash."

    * Horn broken. Watch for finger.
    * Your kid may be an honors student, but you're still an idiot.
    * All generalizations are false.
    * Cover me. I'm changing lanes.
    * I brake for no apparent reason.
    * Learn from your parents' mistakes - use birth control.
    * I'm not as think as you drunk I am.
    * Forget about World Peace...Visualize using your turn signal.
    * We have enough youth, how about a fountain of Smart?
    * He who laughs last thinks slowest.
    * Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
    * It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
    * Auntie Em, Hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog. Dorothy.
    * Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.
    * I love cats...they taste just like chicken.
    * Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
    * Forget the Jones’s, I keep us up with the Simpsons’.
    * Born free...Taxed to death.
    * Rehab is for quitters.
    * I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.
    * All men are idiots, and I married their King.
    * Jack Kevorkian for White House Physician.
    * Work is for people who don't know how to fish.
    * I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
    * Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.
    * Sorry, I don't date outside my species.
    * No radio - Already stolen.
    * Real women don't have hot flashes, they have power surges.
    * I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
    * Some people are only alive because it is illegal to kill.
    * A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
    * Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.
    * Make it idiot-proof and someone will make a better idiot.
    * Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.

  24. Cat Lies

    A taxi arrived and a couple opened the front door to leave their house. The cat they had thrown into the yard scoots back into the house. They don't want the cat shut in the house because"he" always tries to eat the bird.. The wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, the man in hot pursuit. The wife doesn't want the driver to know the house will be empty. She explains to the taxi driver that her husband will be out soon. "He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother."
    A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab. "Sorry I took so long," he says. "Stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. Had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked. I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her into the backyard!!"

  25. A lady from California purchased a piece of timber land in Oregon. There
    a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted to get a
    good view of her land so she started to climb the big tree. As she neared
    the top, she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her.
    In her haste to escape, the lady slid down the tree to the ground and got
    many splinters in her private parts. In considerable pain, she hurried to
    the nearest doctor. He listened to her story then told her to go into the
    examining room and he would see if he could help her.
    She sat and waited for three hours before the doctor reappeared. The angry
    lady demanded, "What took you so long?"
    He replied, "Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection
    Agency, Forest Service, Bureau of Land Management and then allow for public
    before I could remove old-growth timber from a recreational area."

  26. Damnit someone tell a joke!
    For answers to board issues, read the Suggestion and News forum at the bottom of the main page.
  27. Males Number One Rule:

    We always hear "the rules"
    from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules!
    Please note... these are all numbered "1"

    1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

    1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

    1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

    1. Crying is blackmail.

    1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work!
    Just say it!

    1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

    1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

    1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

    1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

    1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

    1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
    Don't ask us.

    1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

    1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

    1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

    1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.

    1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

    1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

    1. If we ask what is wrong and you say nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

    1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

    1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine...Really.

    1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.

    1. You have enough clothes.

    1. You have too many shoes.

    1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.

    1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; but did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.
    My The 1 LOG:

  28. Q. What do you call it when someone farts in a gay bar?
    A. A love call.

    Q. How do you give a blind queer a thrill?
    A. Leave the plunger in the toilet.

    Q. How do lesbians handle their liquor?
    A. By the ears.

    Q. What do tight pants and a cheap motel have in common?
    A. No ball room

    Q. What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
    A. The position of the dirt bag.

    Q. What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
    A. Doughnuts.

    Q. What do you get when you put 50 lesbians and 50 politicians in a room together?
    A. 100 people who don't do dick.

    Q. What do attorneys use for birth control?
    A. Their personalities.

    Q. What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
    A. 45 lbs.

    Q. Why does a dog lick its penis?
    A. Because it can't make a fist.

    Q. What do you call two lesbians with their period?
    A. Finger painting.

    Q. How do you teach a blond math?
    A. Subtract her clothes, divide her legs, and square root her.

    Q. What did the pedophile say when he got out of jail?
    A. I feel like a kid again!

    Q. What's the last thing Tickle Me Elmo receives before he leaves the factory?
    A. Two test tickles

    Q. Why did God create alcohol?
    A. So ugly people would have a chance to have sex.

    Q. What is it when a man talks dirty to a woman?
    A. Sexual harassment.

    Q. What is it when a woman talks dirty to a man?
    A. $3.99 a minute.

    Q. What's the speed limit of sex?
    A. 68 because at 69 you have to turn around.

    Q. What's the ultimate rejection?
    A. When you're masturbating and your hand falls asleep.

    Q. Did you hear about the gay truckers?
    A. They exchanged loads.

    Q. What do you call a gay bar with no bar stools?
    A. A fruit stand!
  29. Wink

    A police officer pulls over a car with a young blonde driver in it....

    Cop : "Miss, this is a 65 MPH highway, why are you going so slowly?"

    Blonde : "Officer, I saw a lot of signs saying 22, not 65."

    Cop : "Oh miss, that's not the speed limit, that's the name of the highway you're on!"

    Blonde : "Oh! Stupid me! Thanks for letting me know, Ill be more careful from now on."

    At this point the cop looks into the back seat of the car, where the passengers are shaking and white as ghosts.

    Cop : "Excuse me miss, what's wrong with your friends back there? They're shaking something awful."

    Blonde : "Oh... We just got off of highway 119".


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