joke of the day

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  1. Quote Originally Posted by Beelzebub
    hit list-

    1) revodrew
    LMAO thats a joke in itself!!
    E-Pharm Rep... PM me with any questions or concerns


  2. I offered my honor, she honored my offer. So all night long i was "honor and offer"
    E-Pharm Rep... PM me with any questions or concerns
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  3. Jbalze that IM was classic!

    I told my shrink about my dreams...One day I dream I am a Teepee, then another day I dream I am a wigwam...

    She said dont worry your just two tents...

  4. Things to do at Wal-Mart while your spouse/partner is taking their sweet
    time:
    1. Get 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in peoples carts when they
    aren't looking.

    2. Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

    3. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms.

    4. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone, 'Code 3' in
    housewares ..... and see what happens.

    5. Go to the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M's on layaway.

    6. Move a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

    7. Set up a tent in the camping department and tell other shoppers you'll
    invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding department.

    8. When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask 'Why can't
    you people just leave me alone?'

    9. Look right into the security camera; use it as a mirror, and pick your
    nose.

    10. While handling guns in the hunting department, ask the clerk if he knows
    where the anti- depressants are.

    11. Dart around the store suspiciously, loudly humming the
    "Mission Impossible" theme.

    12. In the auto department, practice your "Madonna look" using different
    size funnels.

    13. Hide in a clothing rack and when people browse through, say "PICK ME!"

    14. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker, assume the fetal
    position and scream "NO! NO! It's those voices again!!!!"

    (And; last, but not least!)

    15. Go into a fitting room and shut the door and wait a while; and, then,
    yell, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!"
  5. A short one


    A father and son went hunting together for the first time. The father said “Stay here and be VERY QUIET. I'll be across the field." A few minutes later the father heard a blood curdling scream and ran back to his son asking "What's wrong? I told you to be quiet." The son answered, "Look, I was quiet when the snake slithered across my feet. I was quiet when the bear breathed down my neck. But when the two chipmunks crawled up my pant legs and said 'Should we eat them here or take them with us?' I panicked!"
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  6. R/X rated, those under 13 dont look...



    Whats the difference between a priest and a pimple?

    A pimple waits untill you are 13 to come all over your face

  7. Why Dogs Are Better Than Women
    1. Dogs love it when your friends come over.
    2. Dogs don't care if you use their shampoo.
    3. Dogs think you sing great.
    4. A dog's time in the bathroom is confined to a quick drink.
    5. The later you are, the more excited dogs are to see you.
    6. Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs.
    7. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.
    8. Dogs understand that farts are funny.
    9. Dogs love red meat.
    10. Dogs can appreciate excessive body hair.
    11. Dogs like it when you leave lots of things on the floor.
    12. Dogs never need to examine the relationship.
    13. A dog's parents never visit.
    14. Dogs love long car trips.
    15. Dogs understand that instincts are better than asking for directions.
    16. Dogs understand that all animals smaller than dogs were made to be hunted.
    17. Dogs like beer.
    18. No dog ever bought a Kenny G, Cher or Barbara Streisand album.
    19. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.
    20. Dogs don't worry about germs.
    21. Dogs don't want to know about every other dog you ever had.
    22. You never have to wait for a dog.
    23. They're ready to go 24 hours a day.
    24. Dogs don't borrow your shirts.
    25. Dogs enjoy heavy petting in public.
    26. Dogs never want foot-rubs.
    27. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.

  8. One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he remembers that
    it's his daughter's birthday. He pulls over to a toy store and asks the
    salesperson, "How much is the Barbie on the display window?"

    The salesperson answers, " Which one? We have:

    - Work out Barbie for $19.95

    - Shopping Barbie for $19.95

    - Beach Barbie for $19.95

    - Disco Barbie for $19.95

    - Divorced Barbie for $265.95

    The amazed father asks: "What? Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and
    the others only $19.95?"

    The salesperson annoyingly answers :

    "Sir..., "Divorced Barbie comes with:

    Ken's Car,

    Ken's House,

    Ken's Boat,

    Ken's Furniture,

    Ken's Computer and...

    One of Ken's Friends

  9. Not exactly a joke, but funny anyway

    >>>> Marines vs Liberal Talkshow host
    >>>> >
    >>>> >THE BEST COMEBACK LINE
    >>>> EVER!
    >>>> >
    >>>> >Marine Corp's General Reinwald was interviewed on
    >>>> the radio the
    >>>> >other day
    >>>> >and you have to read his reply to the lady who
    >>>> interviewed him
    >>>> >concerning
    >>>> >guns and children. Regardless of how you feel about
    >>>> gun laws you
    >>>> >gotta love
    >>>> >this!!!!
    >>>> >
    >>>> >This is one of the best comeback lines of all time.
    >>>> It is a portion
    >>>> >of
    >>>> >National Public Radio (NPR) interview between a
    >>>> female broadcaster
    >>>> >and US
    >>>> >Marine Corps General Reinwald who was about to
    >>>> sponsor a Boy Scout
    >>>> >Troop
    >>>> >visiting his military installation.
    >>>> >
    >>>> >FEMALE INTERVIEWER: So, General Reinwald, what
    >>>> things are you going
    >>>> >to teach
    >>>> >these young boys when they visit your base?
    >>>> >
    >>>> >GENERAL REINWALD: We're going to teach them
    >>>> climbing, canoeing,
    >>>> >archery,
    >>>> and
    >>>> >shooting.
    >>>> >
    >>>> >FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Shooting! That's a bit
    >>>> irresponsible, isn't it?
    >>>> >
    >>>> >GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see why, they'll be
    >>>> properly supervised on
    >>>> >the
    >>>> >rifle range.
    >>>> >
    >>>> >FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Don't you admit that this is a
    >>>> terribly
    >>>> >dangerous
    >>>> >activity to be teaching children?
    >>>> >
    >>>> >GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see how. We will be
    >>>> teaching them proper
    >>>> >rifle
    >>>> >discipline before they even touch a firearm.
    >>>> >
    >>>> >FEMALE INTERVIEWER: But you're equipping them to
    >>>> become violent
    >>>> >killers.
    >>>> >
    >>>> >GENERAL REINWALD: Well, Ma'am, you're equipped to be
    >>>> a prostitute,
    >>>> >but
    >>>> >you're not one, are you?
    >>>> >
    >>>> >The radio went silent and the interview ended.
    >>>> >
    >>>> >You gotta love the
    >>>> Marines!
  10. Ancient Chinese Proverbs


    ·Virginity like bubble, one prick, all gone.
    ·Man who run in front of car get tired.
    ·Man who run behind car get exhausted.
    ·Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.
    ·Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.
    ·Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.
    ·Man with one chopstick go hungry.
    ·Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.
    ·Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
    ·Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.
    ·Panties not best thing on earth but next to best thing on earth.
    ·War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.
    ·Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.
    ·Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
    ·It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.
    ·Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.
    ·Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
    ·Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
    ·Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.
    ·Man who fart in church sit in own pew.
    ·Crowded elevator smell different to midget

  11. The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment...Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

    The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

    Ashley said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess."

    "What's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher.

    "Don't put all your eggs in one basket!"

    "Very good," said the teacher.

    Next, little Sarah raised her hand and said, "Our family are farmers too.But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks. The moral to this story is, "Don't count your chickens before they're hatched."

    "That was a fine story, Sarah. Michael?...Do you have a story to share?"

    "Yes, my daddy told me this story about my Aunt Karen. Aunt Karen was a flight engineer in the Gulf War and her plane was hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whisky, a machine gun and a machete. She drank the whisky on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of a hundred enemy troops.

    "She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke. Then she killed the last ten with her bare hands."

    "Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "what kind of moral is in that horrible story?"

    "Stay the f#ck away from Aunt Karen when she's been drinking!"

  12. Quote Originally Posted by delta314
    >>>> >FEMALE INTERVIEWER: But you're equipping them to
    >>>> become violent
    >>>> >killers.
    >>>> >
    >>>> >GENERAL REINWALD: Well, Ma'am, you're equipped to be
    >>>> a prostitute,
    >>>> >but
    >>>> >you're not one, are you?
    >>>> >
    >>>> >The radio went silent and the interview ended.
    >>>> >
    >>>> >You gotta love the
    >>>> Marines!
    I love it.
  13. children dont read


    A man and his wife are driving to the top of a tall, winding mountain. The man, who is driving is extremely cautious and slow. His wife is getting impatient, so she makes a deal with him. "For every mile you go faster, I will take off a piece of clothing!" Agreeing to the offer, he begins to put the petal to the metal. In a minute, she is completely naked. The husband is too busy looking at his wife to stay concentrated on the road, so they drive off the edge of the mountain. The woman is thrown from the car virtually unharmed, while her husband is crushed under the car with only his leg sticking out. The woman decides to place her husband's shoe over her ***** to cover herself while she flags down a car. As she approaches the edge of the road, a trucker sees her and stops. The frantic woman yells, "Help me! Help me! My husband is stuck!" The trucker then looks at the woman's shoe and replies, "Well... if he's in that far, I don't think I can help."

  14. > Subject: Cowboys & Indians
    >
    >
    > Three strangers strike up a conversation in the airport passenger lounge
    > in Bozeman, Montana, awaiting their flights.
    > One is an American Indian passing through from Lame Deer. Another is a
    > Cowboy on his way to Billings for a livestock show and the third
    > passenger is a fundamentalist Arab student, newly arrived at Montana
    > State University from the Middle East.
    > Their discussion drifts to their diverse cultures. Soon, the two
    > Westerners learn that the Arab is a devout, radical Muslim and the
    > conversation falls into an uneasy lull.
    > The cowboy leans back in his chair, crosses his boots on a magazine table
    > and tips his big sweat-stained hat forward over his face. The wind
    > outside is blowing tumbleweeds around, and the old windsock is flapping;
    > but still no plane comes.
    > Finally, the American Indian clears his throat and softly he speaks, At
    > one time here, my people were many, but sadly, now we are few."
    > The Muslim student raises an eyebrow and leans forward, "Once my people
    > were few," he sneers, "and now we are many. Why do you suppose that is?"
    > The Montana cowboy shifts his toothpick to one side of his mouth and from
    > the darkness beneath his Stetson says in a drawl, "That's 'cause we
    > ain't played Cowboys and Muslims yet, but I do believe it's a-comin'."

  15. WHAT WOMEN SAY & REALLY MEAN:
    CAN'T WE JUST BE FRIENDS?
    There is no way in hell I'm going to let any part of your body touch any part of mine, again.
    I JUST NEED SOME SPACE.
    ... without you in it.
    DO I LOOK FAT IN THIS DRESS?
    We haven't had a fight in a while.
    NO, PIZZA'S FINE.
    ... you cheap slob!
    I JUST DON'T WANT A BOYFRIEND NOW.
    I just don't want you as a boyfriend now.
    I DON'T KNOW, WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO?
    I can't believe you have nothing planned.
    COME HERE.
    My puppy does this, too.
    I LIKE YOU, BUT...
    I don't like you.
    OF COURSE I LOVE YOU.
    ... just not in that way.
    YOU NEVER LISTEN.
    You never listen.
    WE'RE MOVING TOO QUICKLY.
    I'm not going to sleep with you until I find out if this guy at the gym has a girlfriend.
    I'LL BE READY IN A MINUTE.
    I'm ready, but I'm going to make you wait because I know you will.
    OH, NO, I'LL PAY FOR MYSELF.
    I'm just being nice; there's no way I'm going dutch.
    OH YES!!! RIGHT THERE!!
    Well, near there; I just want to get this over with.
    I'M JUST GOING OUT WITH THE GIRLS.
    We're gonna get sloppy and make fun of you and your friends.
    A WOMAN'S GUIDE TO WHAT A MAN IS REALLY SAYING:
    I'M HUNGRY.
    I'm hungry.
    I'M SLEEPY.
    I'm sleepy.
    I'M TIRED.
    I'm tired.
    I'VE GOTTA PEE.
    Get out of the way.
    I'VE GOTTA GO.
    Get out of the way and stay away until it clears.
    CAN I CALL YOU SOMETIME?
    I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
    DO YOU WANT TO GO TO A MOVIE?
    I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
    CAN I TAKE YOU OUT TO DINNER?
    I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
    CAN I GET YOUR COAT?
    I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
    LET ME GET YOUR DOOR.
    I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
    MAY I HAVE THIS DANCE?
    I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
    NICE DRESS!
    Nice cleavage!
    YOU LOOK TENSE, LET ME GIVE YOU A MASSAGE.
    I want to fondle you!
    WHAT'S WRONG?
    I don't see why you're making such a big deal out of this.
    WHAT'S WRONG?
    What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now?
    WHAT'S WRONG?
    I guess sex tonight is out of the question.
    I'M BORED.
    Do you want to have sex?
    I LOVE YOU.
    Can we have sex now?
    I LOVE YOU, TOO.
    OK, I said it. We'd better have sex now!
    GOOD MORNING.
    That was great sex. Let's have more!
    SEE YOU LATER.
    That was great sex. Let's have more!
    YES, I LIKE THE WAY YOU CUT YOUR HAIR.
    I liked it better before.
    YES, I LIKE THE WAY YOU CUT YOUR HAIR.
    $50 and it doesn't look that much different!
    YES, I LIKE THE WAY YOU CUT YOUR HAIR.
    For $50 they should have GIVEN YOU hair!
    LET'S TALK, HONEY.
    I'm trying to impress you by showing you that I am a deep person, and maybe then you'd like to have sex with me.
    WILL YOU MARRY ME?
    I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys.
    WILL YOU MARRY ME?
    I might as well get tax benefits for going through these talks.
    A WOMAN'S GUIDE TO WHAT A MAN IS REALLY SAYING WHILE SHOPPING:
    YES, THAT ONE'S NICE.
    Why do you ask when you aren't going to listen anyway?
    THAT ONE LOOKS GREAT ON YOU.
    Pick any freakin' dress and let's go home!
    I LIKE THAT ONE BETTER.
    Pick any freakin' dress and let's go home!
    UH-HUH.
    Pick any freakin' dress and let's go home!
    ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ . . . . . . . .
    Pick any freakin' dress and let's go home!
    I DON'T THINK THAT BLOUSE AND THAT SKIRT GO WELL TOGETHER.
    I'm gay
    IT MAKES YOU LOOK FAT.
    I'm really stupid!

  16. An Amish Man and his son were standing in a fancy department store for the first time.

    They see these big shiny doors open and an ugly old women got in and they shut.

    After 2 minutes the doors opened and a beutifull young woman got out...

    The dad said to his son...

    "Quick, go get your mom!"

  17. An Irishman had been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender
    finally said that the bar is closing. So the Irishman stood up to
    leave and fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one more time; same
    result.

    He figured he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that
    will sober him up.

    Once outside he stood up and fell flat on his face. So he decided to
    crawl the 4 blocks to his home. When he arrived at the door he stood
    up and again fell flat on his face. He crawled through the door and
    into his bedroom.

    When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up. This time
    he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right into bed
    and is sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow. He was
    awakened the next morning to his wife standing over him, shouting,
    "So, you've been out drinking again!!"

    "What makes you say that?" he asked, putting on an innocent look.

    "The pub called -- you left your wheelchair there again."

  18. BREAKFAST IN FRANCE



    An American is having breakfast one morning (coffee, croissants, bread, butter and jam) when a Frenchman, chewing bubble-gum, sits down next to him. The American ignores the Frenchman who, nevertheless, starts a conversation.



    Frenchman: "You American folk eat the whole bread??"



    American (in a bad mood): "Of course."



    Frenchman: (after blowing a huge bubble) "We don't. In France, we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle it, transform them into croissants and sell them to the states." The Frenchman has a smirk on his face.



    The American listens in silence.



    The Frenchman persists: "Do you eat jelly with the bread??"



    American: "Of Course."



    Frenchman: (cracking his bubble-gum between his teeth and chuckling).

    "We don't. In France we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam and sell the jam to the states."



    After a moment of silence, The American then asks: "Do you have sex in France?"



    Frenchman: "Why of course we do", he says with a big smirk.



    American: "And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?"



    Frenchman: "We throw them away, of course."



    American: "We don't. In America, we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into bubble-gum and sell them to France."

  19. A city slicker friend of mine wanted to come hunt with me this deer season,
    so I told him to come on. I had some private land a rancher let me hunt on,
    but I had to let him know anytime I went there. As we drove up the long path
    to the rancher's homestead, I told my friend to wait in the truck while I
    went in and ask the man if if we could hunt. The rancher told me it was ok
    to hunt, but he ask me if I would do something for him before we went
    hunting, he had an old donkey that was on its last leg and and if I would
    put it down for him. I said no problem. When I got back to the truck I
    thought I would have a little fun with my friend. I acted real mad and I
    told him the rancher would not let us hunt. Then I pulled out my rifle and I
    said "you see that donkey over there?", watch this. "POW" The donkey hit the
    ground.... I had to turn my head to keep form laughing. Then, all the
    sudden, I heard 2 more shots ring out and my friend yell "I got 2 of his
    cows! Quick lets get out of here!"
  20. Things People Say........


    You will feel smarter after you read these responses.
    > >
    > > Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
    > > Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever,
    > > because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever,
    > > but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever,"
    > > --Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.
    > >
    > > "Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the
    world,
    > > I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not
    with
    > > all those flies and death and stuff,"
    > > -- Mariah Carey
    > >
    > > "Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of
    > > your life,"
    > > -- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for a
    > > federal anti-smoking campaign.
    > >
    > > "I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body,"
    > > -- Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.
    > >
    > > "Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates
    in
    > > the country,"
    > > -- Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC.
    > >
    > > "We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees,"
    > > -- Jason Kidd, upon his drafting to the Dallas Mavericks.
    > >
    > > "I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are
    > > the president,"
    > > -- Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents.
    > >
    > > "That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and
    > > I'm just the one to do it,"
    > > -- A congressional candidate in Texas.
    > >
    > > "Half this game is ninety percent mental."
    > > -- Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark
    > >
    > > "It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities
    in
    > > our air and water that are doing it."
    > > -- Al Gore, Vice President
    > >
    > > "If you let that sort of thing go on, your bread and butter will be cut
    > > right out from under your feet,"
    > > -- Former British foreign minister, Ernest Bevin.
    > >
    > > "I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix."
    > > -- Dan Quayle
    > >
    > > "We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?"
    > > -- Lee Iacocca
    > >
    > > "I was provided with additional input that was radically different from
    > > the truth. I assisted in furthering that version,"
    > > -- Colonel Oliver North, from his Iran-Contra testimony.
    > >
    > > "The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like
    > > Norman Einstein,"
    > > -- Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.
    > >
    > > "We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of
    > > people.
    > > -- Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.
    > >
    > > "If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."
    > > -- Bill Clinton, President
    > >
    > > "We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur."
    > > -- Al Gore, VP
    > >
    > > "Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas."
    > > - Keppel Enderbery
    > >
    > > "The loss of life will be irreplaceable."
    > > -- Dan Quayle
    > >
    > > "I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the only regret I have
    is
    > > that I didn't study my Latin harder in school so I could converse with
    > > those people."
    > > -- Dan Quayle, VP
    > >
    > > "It is wonderful to be here in the great state of Chicago!"
    > > -- Dan Quayle, VP
    > >
    > > "Hawaii is a unique state. It is a small state. It is a state that is
    by
    > > itself. It is different from the other 49 states. Well, all states are
    > > different, but it's got a particularly unique situation."
    > > -- Dan Quayle, VP
    > >
    > > "Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we
    received
    > > notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if
    there
    > > is a change in your circumstances."
    > > -- Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina
    > >
    > > "We apologize for the error in last week's paper in which we stated that
    > > Mr. Arnold Dogbody was a defective in the police force. We meant, of
    > > course, that Mr. Dogbody is a detective in the police farce."
    > > -- Correction Notice in the Ely Standard, a British newspaper
    > >
    > > "If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as
    they
    > > go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the
    > > next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record."
    > > -- Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman

  21. An Arizona couple, both well into their 80s, go to a sex therapist's office.
    The doctor asks, "What can I do for you?"
    The man says, "Will you watch us make love?" The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees. When the couple finishes, the doctor says, "There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you make love." He thanks them for coming, wishes them good luck, charges them $50 and says good-bye.
    The next week, however, the couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees.
    This happens several weeks in a row. The couple makes an appointment, makes love with no problems, pays the doctor, then leaves.

    Finally, after seven or eight weeks of this, the doctor says, "I'm sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?"
    The old man says, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $98. The Hilton charges $139. We do it here for $50, and I get $43 back from Medicare!"

  22. A rich old man was well known for paying large sums of money to individuals that could do something beyond a normal persons abilities. He would gather them and host tournaments between the best of the best. On one occasion he ran an ad through papers all around the world searching for men that could stay awake for long periods of time. Many people came forth claiming their advanced abilities to go without sleep. These men were then narrowed down to three. The three that remained were then told the rules of the game. They would each be sent to different deserted islands and forced to stay there one month. Whoever could remain awake for that time would be the winner and inherit the old man's fortunes. They were each given one wish of what they wanted on the island to help them stay awake. The first man wished for a dozen women to pass the time. The second asked for a case of Vivarin to help him through the month. The last man asked for 30 cartons of cigarettes due to his strong addiction. After they had all received their supplies they were sent to their respective islands to begin the competition. After the month had finished the old man, in his private helicopter, went to each island to see who was able to remain awake. The first man that had requested the 12 women was sound asleep when the old man arrived, however he did have a big smile on his face while sleeping. The second man that had requested the Vivarin was found dead. Apparently he had died quite recently of a overdose. When the old man arrived at the last island the man that had requested the thirty cartons of cigarettes was wide awake and running back and forth across the island. The old man landed and congratulated the man for winning the competition. All that the man could say was, "dddddooeessss annyyyboddddddyyyyyy havvvvvvveeee aaaaaaaaa liiiiiiggggghhhttttttttt!!!!!! !!?????????"

  23. not for the easily disgusted...

    So 2 guys, billy and ed, were sitting in ed's house. Ed says "theres this girl up the street that can give head while singing opera."

    So they go up the street...

    The girl, jane, says she can, but the lights have to be off when she does it. Ed decides to go first. He goes in her room, she turns the light off, and she starts giving him head while singing opera.


    Billy, pissed off, decides ed is taking too long. He breaks into the room, turns on the light. Just as that happens, jane pops in her glass eye.
  24. Women was created


    First the Lord made man in the Garden of Eden.
    Then he said to himself, "There's something he's needing' ". After casting about for a suitable pearl, He kept messing around and created a girl.

    Two beautiful legs, so long and so slender,
    Round, slim, and firm, and ever so tender.
    Two lovely hips to increase his desire,
    And rounded and firm to bring out the fire.
    Two lovely breasts, so full and so proud,
    Commanding his eyes, as he whispers aloud.
    Two lovely arms, just aching to bless you,
    And two loving hands, to soothe and caress you.
    Soft, cascading hair hung down over her shoulder,
    And two dreamy eyes, just to make him grow bolder.
    'Twas made for a man, just to make his heart sing.
    Then he added a mouth.

    Ruined the whole ****ing thing
  •   

      
     

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