joke of the day

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  1. A couple of sperm are swimming around and one says to the other "how much further to the ovaries?" The other sperm says "Relax...we haven't even made it past the tonsils yet."

  2. Something for the Guys


    Your ass is never a factor in a job interview.
    Your orgasms are real. Always.
    Your last name stays put.
    The garage is all yours.
    Nobody secretly wonders if you swallow.
    Wedding plans take care of themselves.
    You don't have to curl up next to a hairy ass every night.
    Chocolate is just another snack.
    You can be president.
    You can wear a white shirt to a water park.
    Foreplay is optional.
    You never feel compelled to stop a friend from getting laid.
    Car mechanics tell you the truth.
    You don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your new haircut.
    The world is your urinal.
    Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.
    You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too icky.
    Same work... more pay.
    Wrinkles add character.
    You don't have to leave the room to make emergency crotch adjustments.
    Wedding Dress $2000, Tux rental $100.
    Princess Di's death was just another obituary.
    The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
    Porn movies are designed with you in mind.
    Not liking a person does not preclude having great sex with them.
    One mood, all the time - horny

  3. Me, beez and natedogg are driving down main street in philly when we get pulled over for speeding. A hot as blonde cop comes to the door and gets us all out, hands on hood, legs spread and says if you 3 can come up with 20 inches between you, I will let you go. I get my junk out and bust out my 7 inches of white lightning. Next, nate starts laughing at me and pulls 10 inches. Well beez is left and we only need 3 inches. He whips it out and then she says, oohhh, you just made it. We get back in the car and Beez says "good thing I had a boner"!!!

    (sorry beez and nate but you two are the most known non-mods on here, gotta pay the price to be popular!)

  4. hit list-

    1) revodrew

  5. Quote Originally Posted by Beelzebub
    hit list-

    1) revodrew

    Time to sleep with one eye open!!

  6. My Favorite:

    A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, "Ribbit. 9 Iron" The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. "Ribbit. 9 Iron."
    He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts his other club away, and grabs a 9 iron. Boom! he hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked. He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh?" The frog reply's "Ribbit. Lucky frog."
    The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole. "What do you think frog " the man asks. "Ribbit. 3 wood." The guy takes out a 3 wood and Boom! Hole in one. The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, "OK where to next?" The frog reply, "Ribbit. Las Vegas."
    They go to "Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?" The frog says, "Ribbit Roulette." Upon approaching the roulette table, the man asks," What do you think I should bet?" The frog replies, "Ribbit. $3000, black 6." Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game, the man figures what the heck. Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table.
    The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful."
    The frog replies, "Ribbit, Kiss Me."
    He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him he deserves it.
    With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 16-year-old girl.
    "And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room."

  7. Quote Originally Posted by revodrew
    (sorry beez and nate but you two are the most known non-mods on here, gotta pay the price to be popular!)
    No need to be sorry, you just made me feel good about myself. Reps to you.

  8. i'll neg rep you both into the negative 200's.
  9. Something for the older people

    Nursing Home Driver
    An old lady in a nursing home is wheeling up and down the halls in her
    wheelchair, making sounds like she's driving a car. As she's going down the
    hall an old man jumps out of a room and says, "Excuse me ma'am, but you were
    speeding, can I see your driver's license?" She digs around in her purse a
    little, pulls out a candy wrapper and hands it to him. He looks it over,
    gives her a warning and sends her on her way. Up and down the hall again
    she goes, making sounds like she's driving a car.
    Again, the same old man jumps out of a room and says, "Excuse me ma'am, but
    I saw you cross over the center line back there. Can I see your registration
    please?" She digs around in her purse and pulls out a store receipt and
    hands it to him. He looks it over, gives her another warning and sends her
    on her way. She zooms off again, up and down the halls weaving all over. As
    she comes to the old man's room again, he jumps out.
    He is stark naked and has an erection! The old lady in the wheel chair
    looks up at the man and say's, "Oh no. Not the Breathalyzer again!"

  10. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," says Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.

  11. "Well you see, Norm, it's like this. A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.

    In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Now, as we know, excessive intake of alcohol kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.

    And that, Norm, is why you always feel smarter after a few beers."

  12. ^ Classic!
  13. For the Students


    1.Get a copy of the exam, run out screaming "Andre, Andre, I've got the secret documents!!"
    2.Talk the entire way through the exam. Read questions aloud, debate your answers with yourself out loud. If asked to stop, yell out, "I'm SOOO sure that you can hear me thinking." Then start talking about what a jerk the instructor is.
    3.On the answer sheet find a new, interesting way to refuse to answer every question. For example: I refuse to answer this question on the grounds that it conflicts with my religious beliefs. Be creative.
    4.15 min. into the exam, stand up, rip up all the papers into very small pieces, throw them into the air and yell out "Merry Christmas." If you're really daring, ask for another copy of the exam. Say you lost the first one. Repeat this process every 15 min.
    5.Come into the exam wearing slippers, a bathrobe, a towel on your head, and nothing else.
    6.Come down with a BAD case of Tourette's Syndrome during the exam. Be as vulgar as possible.
    7.Bring things to throw at the instructor when she's not looking. Blame it on the person nearest to you.
    8.As soon as the instructor hands you the exam, eat it.
    9.Show up completely drunk (completely drunk means at some point during the exam, you should start crying for mommy).
    10.Comment on how good the instructor is looking that day.
    11.If the exam is math/sciences related, make up the longest proofs you could possible think of. Get pi and imaginary numbers into most equations. If it is a written exam, relate everything to your own life story.
    12.Try to get people in the room to do a wave.
    13.Bring some large, cumbersome, ugly idol. Put it right next to you. Pray to it often. Consider a small sacrifice.
    14.During the exam, take apart everything around you. Desks, chairs, anything you can reach.
    15.Walk in, get the exam, sit down. About 5 min into it, loudly say to the instructor, "I don't understand ANY of this. I've been to every lecture all semester long! What's the deal? And who the hell are you? Where's the regular guy?"
    16.Do the entire exam in another language. If you don't know one, make one up!
    17.Bring a black marker. Return the exam with all questions and answers completely blacked out.
    18.Every now and then, clap twice rapidly. If the instructor asks why, tell him/her in a very derogatory tone, "the light bulb that goes on above my head when I get an idea is hooked up to a clapper. DUH!"
    19.Cross dress.
    20.Make origami animals out of your test.

  14. A body builder picks up a blonde at a bar and takes her home with him.
    He takes off his shirt and the blonde says, "What a great chest you have."
    The body builder tells her, "That's 100 lbs. of dynamite, baby."
    He takes off his pants and the blonde says, "What massive calves you have."
    The body builder tells her, "That's 100 lbs. of dynamite, baby."
    He then removes his underwear and the blonde goes running out of the apartment screaming in fear.
    The body builder puts his clothes back on and chases after her. He catches up to her and asks why she ran out of the apartment like that.
    The blonde replies, "I was afraid to be around all that dynamite after I saw how short the fuse was."
  15. For the drunk Drivers

    The Canadian Transportation Safety Board recently divulged they had covertly funded a project with the Canadian auto maker Ford for the past five years, whereby the auto makers were installing black boxes in four-wheel drive pick-up trucks in an effort to determine, in fatal accidents, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash. They were surprised to find in almost all provinces the last words of drivers in 61.2 percent of fatal crashes were, "Oh, ****!" Only the province of Alberta was different, where 89.3 percent of the final words were: "Hold my beer and watch this!"
  16. Bad Idea for the Horny

    Jeff walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar. He
    walks over and asks Paul what's wrong. "Well," replies Paul, "You know
    that beautiful girl at work that I wanted to ask out, but I got an
    erection every time I saw her?"

    "Yes," replies Jeff with a laugh. "Well," says Paul, straightening up,
    "I finally worked up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed."

    "That's great!" says Jeff, "When are you going out?"
    "I went to meet her this evening," continues Paul, "but I was worried
    I'd get an erection again. So I got some duct tape and taped "it" to my
    leg, so if I did, it wouldn't show".

    "Sensible" says Jeff. "So I get to her door," says Paul, "and I rang
    her doorbell. She answered it in the sheerest, sexiest, dress you ever saw."

    "And what happened then?"

    "I kicked her in the face."

  17. A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is leaning against
    headboard smoking a cigarette, with a satisfied smile on its face.

    The egg, looking a bit pissed off, grabs the sheet, rolls over, and
    "Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question

  18. hmm ok ive got a bunch of stuff, including an AIM convo of someone who tried to cyber with me


    Dear Mr. Abby:

    Q: My husband wants a threesome with my best friend and me.

    A: Obviously your husband cannot get enough of you! Knowing that there is only one of you he can only settle for the next best thing -- your bestfriend. Far from being an issue, this can bring you closer together. Why not get some of your old college roommates involved too? If you are still apprehensive, maybe you should let him be with your friends without you. If your still not sure then just perform oral sex on him and cook him a nice meal while you think about it.

    Dear Mr. Abby:

    Q: My husband continually asks me to perform oral sex on him.

    A: Do it. Semen can help you loose weight and gives a great glow to your skin. Interestingly, men know this. His offer to allow you to perform oral sex on him is totally selfless. This shows he loves you. The best thing to do is to thank him by performing it twice a day; then cook him a nice meal.

    Dear Mr. Abby:

    Q: My husband has too many nights out with the boys.

    A: This is perfectly natural behavior and it should be encouraged. The Man is a hunter and he needs to prove his prowess with other men. A night out chasing young single girls is a great stress relief and can foster a more peaceful and relaxing home. Remember, nothing can rekindle your relationship better than the man being away for a day or two (it's a great time to clean the house too)! Just look at how emotional and happy he is when he returns to his stable home. The best thing to do when he gets home is for you and your best friend to perform oral sex on him. Then cook him a nice meal.

    Dear Mr. Abby:

    Q: My husband doesn't know where my clitoris is.

    A: Your clitoris is of no concern to your husband. If you must mess with it, do it in your own time or ask your best friend to help. You may wish to videotape yourself while doing this, and present it to your husband as a birthday gift. To ease your selfish guilt, perform oral sex on him and cook him a delicious meal.

    Dear Mr. Abby:

    Q: My husband is uninterested in foreplay.

    A: You are a bad person for bringing it up and should seek sensitivity training. Foreplay to a man is very stressful and time consuming. Sex should be available to your husband on demand with no pesky requests for foreplay. What this means is that you do not love your man as much as you should; He should never have to work to get you in the mood. Stop being so selfish! Perhaps you can make it up to him by performing oral sex on him and cooking him a nice meal.

    Dear Mr. Abby:

    Q: My husband always has an orgasm then rolls over and goes to sleep without giving me one.

    A: I'm not sure I understand the problem. Perhaps you've forgotten to cook him a nice meal

  19. Key Female Words

    1. "Fine"

    This is the word women use at the end of any argument when they feel they are right but can't stand to hear you argue any longer. It means that you should shut up. (NEVER use "fine" to describe how she looks. This will cause you to have one of those arguments.)

    2. "Five minutes"

    This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so women feel that it's an even trade.

    3. "Nothing"

    "Nothing" means something and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "five minutes" and end with the word "fine".

    4. "Go Ahead"(with raised eyebrows)

    This is NOT permission; it's a dare! If you mistake it for permission, the result will be the woman will get upset over "nothing" and you'll have a "five minute" discussion that will end with the word "fine".

    5. "Go Ahead"(with normal eyebrows)

    This is NOT permission either. It means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care". You will get a raised eyebrow "go ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "nothing" and "fine" and she will talk to you in about "five minutes" when she cools off.

    6. "Loud Sigh"

    This is not actually a word, but is still often a verbal statement. Very frequently misunderstood by men. A "loud sigh" means she thinks you are a complete idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "nothing!".

    7. "Soft Sigh"

    Again, not a word, but a verbal statement. "Soft sighs" are one of the few things that some men actually understand. It means she is momentarily content. Your best bet is not to move or breathe in the hope that the moment will last a bit longer.

    8. "Oh"

    This word--followed by any statement--is trouble. Example: "Oh, let me get that". Or, "Oh, I talked to him about what you were doing last night." If she says "Oh" before a statement, run, do not walk, to the nearest exit. She will tell you that she is "fine" when she is done tossing your clothes out the window, but do not expect her to talk to you for at least two days. "Oh" as the lead to a sentence usually signifies that you are caught in a lie. Do not try to lie more to get out of it, or you will get a raise eyebrow "go ahead", sometimes followed by acts so unspeakable that I can't bring myself to write about them.

    9. "That's Okay"

    This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can say to a man. "That's okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding what the penalty will be for whatever you have done. "That's okay" is often used with the word "fine" and in conjunction with a raised eyebrow "go ahead". Once she has had time to plan it out, you are in for some mighty big trouble.

    10. "Please Do"

    This is not a statement, it is an offer. The woman is giving you the chance to come up with an excuse for what you have done. In other words, a chance to get yourself into even more trouble. If you handle this correctly, you shouldn't get a "that's okay".

    11. "Thanks"

    The woman is thanking you. Don't faint and don't look for hidden meaning. Just say "you're welcome".

    12. "Thanks A Lot"

    "Thanks a lot" is dramatically different from "thanks". A woman will say "thanks a lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It is usually followed by the "loud sigh". This signifies that you have hurt her in some callous way. Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "loud sigh", as she will only tell you "nothing".

    Other words and actions to keep in mind. No explanation necessary.

    13. Later

    14. The IM SO MAD Walk-away

    15. Silent Treatment

    16. "I'll do it myself"

    17. "We'll Talk"

    18. "Whatever"

    19. "Forget About It"

    20. "Nice"

    21. "If that's what you want"

  20. SallyAnn4454: hi 24 female you
    mpov22: 22/m/CT
    SallyAnn4454: do you have a pic
    mpov22: nopers
    SallyAnn4454: size
    mpov22: of?
    SallyAnn4454: do u likd head
    mpov22: sure, what guy doesn't like getting head
    SallyAnn4454: i love to give give give give
    mpov22: thats great, really
    SallyAnn4454: and i swallow
    mpov22: thats nice
    mpov22: where you from again?
    SallyAnn4454: michigan you
    mpov22: CT
    SallyAnn4454: size
    mpov22: of what?
    SallyAnn4454: below your belt
    mpov22: i don't know how long my legs are exactly, I'd say about 32 inches
    SallyAnn4454: no in the middle
    SallyAnn4454: hidden from view
    mpov22: my ass?
    mpov22: I have never measured it
    SallyAnn4454: other side
    mpov22: my taint?
    SallyAnn4454: yes
    mpov22: really? I didn't know taints were even involved in getting head
    SallyAnn4454: not if you move them
    mpov22: wait, you are gonna have to spell out what you want I am not sure you get what a taint is
    SallyAnn4454: what is it
    mpov22: the piece of skin between your balls and ass
    SallyAnn4454: o
    SallyAnn4454: size of dick
    SallyAnn4454: hello
    mpov22: hi
    SallyAnn4454: dpo you know
    mpov22: well dick is about 6'2 or 6'3, he lives in my basement
    SallyAnn4454: how old is he
    mpov22: 65, he is a retired milkman
    mpov22: he is an odd duck, i had to take him to get his knee drained last sunday, man was it ripe
    SallyAnn4454: oic
    mpov22: i'd let you talk to him, but he doesn't know how to type, and he thinks computers are manufactured by the devil himself
    SallyAnn4454: i only want to chat with you
    mpov22: really, thats nice.
    mpov22: hey, do you like guys named mark?
    SallyAnn4454: is that your name
    mpov22: no, just asking
    SallyAnn4454: y
    SallyAnn4454: ok i guess
    mpov22: because, its a noble name
    mpov22: like phil, or sammy davis jr.
    mpov22: so are oyu in college?
    SallyAnn4454: no
    mpov22: do you know what a donkey punch is?
    SallyAnn4454: no tell me
    mpov22: can't be described... must be shown. Do you have a frozen banana 3 rubber gloves, and broom stick and a bread machine?
    SallyAnn4454: no
    mpov22: well then I guess you'll never find out
    SallyAnn4454: i got to go
    mpov22: where?
    mpov22: I wanna go to
    SallyAnn4454: bye
    mpov22: take me with you
    mpov22: we can go to the red lobster
    SallyAnn4454: and
    mpov22: and, make clay statues of the smurfs
    mpov22: what do you say?
    mpov22: Hello? Sally Ann?
    SallyAnn4454: hi
    mpov22: can I bring Dick?
    mpov22: he loves popcorn shrimp
    SallyAnn4454: only yours
    mpov22: can I bring my neighbor Ira, he is a wandering Jew from Istanbul
    SallyAnn4454: goodbye
    mpov22: what? I will pay the bill
    mpov22: we can get some dinner, see a movie, go back to my place, and I can cane you like a turkish prisoner
    SallyAnn4454: and than what
    mpov22: and then you can dress me like a mailman and push me down the stairs
    SallyAnn4454: why would i do that
    SallyAnn4454: i would be on my knees
    mpov22: like in church?
    mpov22: praying to JC?
    mpov22: thats Jesus Christ baby, but he lets me call him JC, we are tight
    SallyAnn4454: no to you
    mpov22: well, i guess we would need a third person then, so you could table top me
    SallyAnn4454: why
    mpov22: so I can fall down the stairs
    SallyAnn4454: i got to go
    mpov22: where?
    mpov22: I have one of those giant fingers from a football game, can you poke me in the eye with it and call me a filthy woman?
    mpov22: hey, do you want to wear the pants in this family?
    mpov22: I always prefered a kilt
    mpov22: hello, please its 12 1/2 inches long
    mpov22: please we can have some fun with it, its huge
    mpov22: my football finger is HUGE

  21. What do you call two guys hanging from a window?

    Kurt 'n Rod.

  22. "Boy you sure do talk a lot! You must have been vaccinated with a phonograph needle."

    -Groucho Marx
  23. F U C K Telemarketers

    One thing that has always bugged me, and I'm sure it does most of you, is to sit down at the dinner table only to be interrupted by a phone call from a telemarketer. I decided, on one such occasion, to try to be as irritating to them as they were to me. This particular call happened to be from AT&T and it went something like this:

    Me: Hello
    AT&T: Hello, this is AT&T...
    Me: Is this AT&T?
    AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T...
    Me: This is AT&T?
    AT&T: Yes This is AT&T...
    Me: Is this AT&T?
    AT&T: YES! This is AT&T, may I speak to Mr. Byron please?
    Me: May I ask who is calling?
    AT&T: This is AT&T.
    Me: OK, hold on.
    At this point I put the phone down for a solid 5 minutes thinking that, surely, this person would have hung up the phone. I ate my salad. Much to my
    surprise, when I picked up the receiver, they were still waiting.
    Me: Hello?
    AT&T: Is this Mr. Byron?
    Me: May I ask who is calling please?
    AT&T: Yes this is AT&T...
    Me: Is this AT&T?
    AT&T: Yes this is AT&T...
    Me: The phone company?
    AT&T: Yes sir.
    Me: I thought you said this was AT&T.
    AT&T: Yes sir, we are a phone company.
    Me: I already have a phone.
    AT&T: We aren't selling phones today Mr. Byron. We would like to offer you 10 cents a minute, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year.
    Me: Now, that's 10 cents a minute 24 hours a day?
    AT&T: (getting a little excited at this point by my interest) Yes, Sir, that's right! 24 hours a day!
    Me: Now, that's 10 cents a minute 24 hours a day?
    AT&T: That's right.
    Me: 365 days a year?
    AT&T: Yes sir.
    Me: I am definitely interested in that! Wow!!! That's amazing!
    AT&T: We think so!
    Me: That's quite a sum of money!
    AT&T: Yes sir, it's amazing how it adds up.
    Me: OK, so will you send me checks weekly, monthly or just one big one at the end of the year for the full $52,560, and if you send an annual check, can I get a cash advance?
    AT&T: Excuse me?
    Me: You know, the 10 cents a minute.
    AT&T: What are you talking about?
    Me: You said you'd give me 10 cents a minute, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year. That comes to $144 per day, $1,008 per week and $52,560 per year. I'm just interested in knowing how you will be making payment.
    AT&T: Oh no, sir, I didn't mean we'd be paying you. You pay US 10 cents a minute.
    Me: Wait a minute, how do you figure that by saying that you'll give me 10 cents a minute, that I'll give YOU 10 cents a minute? Is this some kind of subliminal telemarketing scheme? I've read about things like this in the Enquirer, you know.
    AT&T: No, Sir, we are offering 10 cents a minute for...
    Me: THERE YOU GO AGAIN! Can I speak to a supervisor please!
    AT&T: Sir, I don't think that is necessary.
    Me: I insist on speaking to a supervisor!
    AT&T: Yes, Mr. Byron. Please hold.
    At this point I begin trying to finish my dinner.
    Supervisor: Mr. Byron?
    Me: Yeth?
    Supervisor: I understand you are not quite understanding our 10 cents a minute program.
    Me: Is thist a Teeth & Teeth?
    Supervisor: Yes, Sir, it sure is.
    I had to swallow before I choked on my food. It was all I could do to suppress my laughter and I had to be careful not to produce a snort.
    Me: No, actually, I was just waiting for someone to get back to me so that I could sign up for the plan.
    Supervisor: OK, no problem, I'll transfer you back to the person who was helping you.
    Me: Thank you.
    I was on hold once again and managed a few more mouthfuls. I needed to end this conversation. Suddenly, there was an aggravated but polite voice at the other end of the phone.
    AT&T: Hello Mr. Byron, I understand that you are interested in signing up for our plan?
    Me: No, but I was wondering -- do you have that "friends and family" thing? Because you can never have enough friends and I'm an only child and I'd really like to have a little brother...

    AT & T: Click

  24. billy- "man, my barbers tits are soo huge, i just want to reach out and gram them!"

    Jon-"yeah i know, your mom cuts my hair too"

    Why did the spanish girl get pregnant.. her teacher told her to do an "essay"


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