joke of the day

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  1. For the drunk Drivers

    The Canadian Transportation Safety Board recently divulged they had covertly funded a project with the Canadian auto maker Ford for the past five years, whereby the auto makers were installing black boxes in four-wheel drive pick-up trucks in an effort to determine, in fatal accidents, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash. They were surprised to find in almost all provinces the last words of drivers in 61.2 percent of fatal crashes were, "Oh, ****!" Only the province of Alberta was different, where 89.3 percent of the final words were: "Hold my beer and watch this!"

  2. Bad Idea for the Horny

    Jeff walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar. He
    walks over and asks Paul what's wrong. "Well," replies Paul, "You know
    that beautiful girl at work that I wanted to ask out, but I got an
    erection every time I saw her?"

    "Yes," replies Jeff with a laugh. "Well," says Paul, straightening up,
    "I finally worked up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed."

    "That's great!" says Jeff, "When are you going out?"
    "I went to meet her this evening," continues Paul, "but I was worried
    I'd get an erection again. So I got some duct tape and taped "it" to my
    leg, so if I did, it wouldn't show".

    "Sensible" says Jeff. "So I get to her door," says Paul, "and I rang
    her doorbell. She answered it in the sheerest, sexiest, dress you ever saw."

    "And what happened then?"

    "I kicked her in the face."

  3. A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is leaning against
    headboard smoking a cigarette, with a satisfied smile on its face.

    The egg, looking a bit pissed off, grabs the sheet, rolls over, and
    "Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question

  4. hmm ok ive got a bunch of stuff, including an AIM convo of someone who tried to cyber with me


    Dear Mr. Abby:

    Q: My husband wants a threesome with my best friend and me.

    A: Obviously your husband cannot get enough of you! Knowing that there is only one of you he can only settle for the next best thing -- your bestfriend. Far from being an issue, this can bring you closer together. Why not get some of your old college roommates involved too? If you are still apprehensive, maybe you should let him be with your friends without you. If your still not sure then just perform oral sex on him and cook him a nice meal while you think about it.

    Dear Mr. Abby:

    Q: My husband continually asks me to perform oral sex on him.

    A: Do it. Semen can help you loose weight and gives a great glow to your skin. Interestingly, men know this. His offer to allow you to perform oral sex on him is totally selfless. This shows he loves you. The best thing to do is to thank him by performing it twice a day; then cook him a nice meal.

    Dear Mr. Abby:

    Q: My husband has too many nights out with the boys.

    A: This is perfectly natural behavior and it should be encouraged. The Man is a hunter and he needs to prove his prowess with other men. A night out chasing young single girls is a great stress relief and can foster a more peaceful and relaxing home. Remember, nothing can rekindle your relationship better than the man being away for a day or two (it's a great time to clean the house too)! Just look at how emotional and happy he is when he returns to his stable home. The best thing to do when he gets home is for you and your best friend to perform oral sex on him. Then cook him a nice meal.

    Dear Mr. Abby:

    Q: My husband doesn't know where my clitoris is.

    A: Your clitoris is of no concern to your husband. If you must mess with it, do it in your own time or ask your best friend to help. You may wish to videotape yourself while doing this, and present it to your husband as a birthday gift. To ease your selfish guilt, perform oral sex on him and cook him a delicious meal.

    Dear Mr. Abby:

    Q: My husband is uninterested in foreplay.

    A: You are a bad person for bringing it up and should seek sensitivity training. Foreplay to a man is very stressful and time consuming. Sex should be available to your husband on demand with no pesky requests for foreplay. What this means is that you do not love your man as much as you should; He should never have to work to get you in the mood. Stop being so selfish! Perhaps you can make it up to him by performing oral sex on him and cooking him a nice meal.

    Dear Mr. Abby:

    Q: My husband always has an orgasm then rolls over and goes to sleep without giving me one.

    A: I'm not sure I understand the problem. Perhaps you've forgotten to cook him a nice meal

  5. Key Female Words

    1. "Fine"

    This is the word women use at the end of any argument when they feel they are right but can't stand to hear you argue any longer. It means that you should shut up. (NEVER use "fine" to describe how she looks. This will cause you to have one of those arguments.)

    2. "Five minutes"

    This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so women feel that it's an even trade.

    3. "Nothing"

    "Nothing" means something and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "five minutes" and end with the word "fine".

    4. "Go Ahead"(with raised eyebrows)

    This is NOT permission; it's a dare! If you mistake it for permission, the result will be the woman will get upset over "nothing" and you'll have a "five minute" discussion that will end with the word "fine".

    5. "Go Ahead"(with normal eyebrows)

    This is NOT permission either. It means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care". You will get a raised eyebrow "go ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "nothing" and "fine" and she will talk to you in about "five minutes" when she cools off.

    6. "Loud Sigh"

    This is not actually a word, but is still often a verbal statement. Very frequently misunderstood by men. A "loud sigh" means she thinks you are a complete idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "nothing!".

    7. "Soft Sigh"

    Again, not a word, but a verbal statement. "Soft sighs" are one of the few things that some men actually understand. It means she is momentarily content. Your best bet is not to move or breathe in the hope that the moment will last a bit longer.

    8. "Oh"

    This word--followed by any statement--is trouble. Example: "Oh, let me get that". Or, "Oh, I talked to him about what you were doing last night." If she says "Oh" before a statement, run, do not walk, to the nearest exit. She will tell you that she is "fine" when she is done tossing your clothes out the window, but do not expect her to talk to you for at least two days. "Oh" as the lead to a sentence usually signifies that you are caught in a lie. Do not try to lie more to get out of it, or you will get a raise eyebrow "go ahead", sometimes followed by acts so unspeakable that I can't bring myself to write about them.

    9. "That's Okay"

    This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can say to a man. "That's okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding what the penalty will be for whatever you have done. "That's okay" is often used with the word "fine" and in conjunction with a raised eyebrow "go ahead". Once she has had time to plan it out, you are in for some mighty big trouble.

    10. "Please Do"

    This is not a statement, it is an offer. The woman is giving you the chance to come up with an excuse for what you have done. In other words, a chance to get yourself into even more trouble. If you handle this correctly, you shouldn't get a "that's okay".

    11. "Thanks"

    The woman is thanking you. Don't faint and don't look for hidden meaning. Just say "you're welcome".

    12. "Thanks A Lot"

    "Thanks a lot" is dramatically different from "thanks". A woman will say "thanks a lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It is usually followed by the "loud sigh". This signifies that you have hurt her in some callous way. Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "loud sigh", as she will only tell you "nothing".

    Other words and actions to keep in mind. No explanation necessary.

    13. Later

    14. The IM SO MAD Walk-away

    15. Silent Treatment

    16. "I'll do it myself"

    17. "We'll Talk"

    18. "Whatever"

    19. "Forget About It"

    20. "Nice"

    21. "If that's what you want"

  6. SallyAnn4454: hi 24 female you
    mpov22: 22/m/CT
    SallyAnn4454: do you have a pic
    mpov22: nopers
    SallyAnn4454: size
    mpov22: of?
    SallyAnn4454: do u likd head
    mpov22: sure, what guy doesn't like getting head
    SallyAnn4454: i love to give give give give
    mpov22: thats great, really
    SallyAnn4454: and i swallow
    mpov22: thats nice
    mpov22: where you from again?
    SallyAnn4454: michigan you
    mpov22: CT
    SallyAnn4454: size
    mpov22: of what?
    SallyAnn4454: below your belt
    mpov22: i don't know how long my legs are exactly, I'd say about 32 inches
    SallyAnn4454: no in the middle
    SallyAnn4454: hidden from view
    mpov22: my ass?
    mpov22: I have never measured it
    SallyAnn4454: other side
    mpov22: my taint?
    SallyAnn4454: yes
    mpov22: really? I didn't know taints were even involved in getting head
    SallyAnn4454: not if you move them
    mpov22: wait, you are gonna have to spell out what you want I am not sure you get what a taint is
    SallyAnn4454: what is it
    mpov22: the piece of skin between your balls and ass
    SallyAnn4454: o
    SallyAnn4454: size of dick
    SallyAnn4454: hello
    mpov22: hi
    SallyAnn4454: dpo you know
    mpov22: well dick is about 6'2 or 6'3, he lives in my basement
    SallyAnn4454: how old is he
    mpov22: 65, he is a retired milkman
    mpov22: he is an odd duck, i had to take him to get his knee drained last sunday, man was it ripe
    SallyAnn4454: oic
    mpov22: i'd let you talk to him, but he doesn't know how to type, and he thinks computers are manufactured by the devil himself
    SallyAnn4454: i only want to chat with you
    mpov22: really, thats nice.
    mpov22: hey, do you like guys named mark?
    SallyAnn4454: is that your name
    mpov22: no, just asking
    SallyAnn4454: y
    SallyAnn4454: ok i guess
    mpov22: because, its a noble name
    mpov22: like phil, or sammy davis jr.
    mpov22: so are oyu in college?
    SallyAnn4454: no
    mpov22: do you know what a donkey punch is?
    SallyAnn4454: no tell me
    mpov22: can't be described... must be shown. Do you have a frozen banana 3 rubber gloves, and broom stick and a bread machine?
    SallyAnn4454: no
    mpov22: well then I guess you'll never find out
    SallyAnn4454: i got to go
    mpov22: where?
    mpov22: I wanna go to
    SallyAnn4454: bye
    mpov22: take me with you
    mpov22: we can go to the red lobster
    SallyAnn4454: and
    mpov22: and, make clay statues of the smurfs
    mpov22: what do you say?
    mpov22: Hello? Sally Ann?
    SallyAnn4454: hi
    mpov22: can I bring Dick?
    mpov22: he loves popcorn shrimp
    SallyAnn4454: only yours
    mpov22: can I bring my neighbor Ira, he is a wandering Jew from Istanbul
    SallyAnn4454: goodbye
    mpov22: what? I will pay the bill
    mpov22: we can get some dinner, see a movie, go back to my place, and I can cane you like a turkish prisoner
    SallyAnn4454: and than what
    mpov22: and then you can dress me like a mailman and push me down the stairs
    SallyAnn4454: why would i do that
    SallyAnn4454: i would be on my knees
    mpov22: like in church?
    mpov22: praying to JC?
    mpov22: thats Jesus Christ baby, but he lets me call him JC, we are tight
    SallyAnn4454: no to you
    mpov22: well, i guess we would need a third person then, so you could table top me
    SallyAnn4454: why
    mpov22: so I can fall down the stairs
    SallyAnn4454: i got to go
    mpov22: where?
    mpov22: I have one of those giant fingers from a football game, can you poke me in the eye with it and call me a filthy woman?
    mpov22: hey, do you want to wear the pants in this family?
    mpov22: I always prefered a kilt
    mpov22: hello, please its 12 1/2 inches long
    mpov22: please we can have some fun with it, its huge
    mpov22: my football finger is HUGE

  7. What do you call two guys hanging from a window?

    Kurt 'n Rod.

  8. "Boy you sure do talk a lot! You must have been vaccinated with a phonograph needle."

    -Groucho Marx
  9. F U C K Telemarketers

    One thing that has always bugged me, and I'm sure it does most of you, is to sit down at the dinner table only to be interrupted by a phone call from a telemarketer. I decided, on one such occasion, to try to be as irritating to them as they were to me. This particular call happened to be from AT&T and it went something like this:

    Me: Hello
    AT&T: Hello, this is AT&T...
    Me: Is this AT&T?
    AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T...
    Me: This is AT&T?
    AT&T: Yes This is AT&T...
    Me: Is this AT&T?
    AT&T: YES! This is AT&T, may I speak to Mr. Byron please?
    Me: May I ask who is calling?
    AT&T: This is AT&T.
    Me: OK, hold on.
    At this point I put the phone down for a solid 5 minutes thinking that, surely, this person would have hung up the phone. I ate my salad. Much to my
    surprise, when I picked up the receiver, they were still waiting.
    Me: Hello?
    AT&T: Is this Mr. Byron?
    Me: May I ask who is calling please?
    AT&T: Yes this is AT&T...
    Me: Is this AT&T?
    AT&T: Yes this is AT&T...
    Me: The phone company?
    AT&T: Yes sir.
    Me: I thought you said this was AT&T.
    AT&T: Yes sir, we are a phone company.
    Me: I already have a phone.
    AT&T: We aren't selling phones today Mr. Byron. We would like to offer you 10 cents a minute, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year.
    Me: Now, that's 10 cents a minute 24 hours a day?
    AT&T: (getting a little excited at this point by my interest) Yes, Sir, that's right! 24 hours a day!
    Me: Now, that's 10 cents a minute 24 hours a day?
    AT&T: That's right.
    Me: 365 days a year?
    AT&T: Yes sir.
    Me: I am definitely interested in that! Wow!!! That's amazing!
    AT&T: We think so!
    Me: That's quite a sum of money!
    AT&T: Yes sir, it's amazing how it adds up.
    Me: OK, so will you send me checks weekly, monthly or just one big one at the end of the year for the full $52,560, and if you send an annual check, can I get a cash advance?
    AT&T: Excuse me?
    Me: You know, the 10 cents a minute.
    AT&T: What are you talking about?
    Me: You said you'd give me 10 cents a minute, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year. That comes to $144 per day, $1,008 per week and $52,560 per year. I'm just interested in knowing how you will be making payment.
    AT&T: Oh no, sir, I didn't mean we'd be paying you. You pay US 10 cents a minute.
    Me: Wait a minute, how do you figure that by saying that you'll give me 10 cents a minute, that I'll give YOU 10 cents a minute? Is this some kind of subliminal telemarketing scheme? I've read about things like this in the Enquirer, you know.
    AT&T: No, Sir, we are offering 10 cents a minute for...
    Me: THERE YOU GO AGAIN! Can I speak to a supervisor please!
    AT&T: Sir, I don't think that is necessary.
    Me: I insist on speaking to a supervisor!
    AT&T: Yes, Mr. Byron. Please hold.
    At this point I begin trying to finish my dinner.
    Supervisor: Mr. Byron?
    Me: Yeth?
    Supervisor: I understand you are not quite understanding our 10 cents a minute program.
    Me: Is thist a Teeth & Teeth?
    Supervisor: Yes, Sir, it sure is.
    I had to swallow before I choked on my food. It was all I could do to suppress my laughter and I had to be careful not to produce a snort.
    Me: No, actually, I was just waiting for someone to get back to me so that I could sign up for the plan.
    Supervisor: OK, no problem, I'll transfer you back to the person who was helping you.
    Me: Thank you.
    I was on hold once again and managed a few more mouthfuls. I needed to end this conversation. Suddenly, there was an aggravated but polite voice at the other end of the phone.
    AT&T: Hello Mr. Byron, I understand that you are interested in signing up for our plan?
    Me: No, but I was wondering -- do you have that "friends and family" thing? Because you can never have enough friends and I'm an only child and I'd really like to have a little brother...

    AT & T: Click

  10. billy- "man, my barbers tits are soo huge, i just want to reach out and gram them!"

    Jon-"yeah i know, your mom cuts my hair too"

    Why did the spanish girl get pregnant.. her teacher told her to do an "essay"

  11. Quote Originally Posted by Beelzebub
    hit list-

    1) revodrew
    LMAO thats a joke in itself!!
    E-Pharm Rep... PM me with any questions or concerns

  12. I offered my honor, she honored my offer. So all night long i was "honor and offer"
    E-Pharm Rep... PM me with any questions or concerns

  13. Jbalze that IM was classic!

    I told my shrink about my dreams...One day I dream I am a Teepee, then another day I dream I am a wigwam...

    She said dont worry your just two tents...

  14. Things to do at Wal-Mart while your spouse/partner is taking their sweet
    1. Get 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in peoples carts when they
    aren't looking.

    2. Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

    3. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms.

    4. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone, 'Code 3' in
    housewares ..... and see what happens.

    5. Go to the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M's on layaway.

    6. Move a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

    7. Set up a tent in the camping department and tell other shoppers you'll
    invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding department.

    8. When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask 'Why can't
    you people just leave me alone?'

    9. Look right into the security camera; use it as a mirror, and pick your

    10. While handling guns in the hunting department, ask the clerk if he knows
    where the anti- depressants are.

    11. Dart around the store suspiciously, loudly humming the
    "Mission Impossible" theme.

    12. In the auto department, practice your "Madonna look" using different
    size funnels.

    13. Hide in a clothing rack and when people browse through, say "PICK ME!"

    14. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker, assume the fetal
    position and scream "NO! NO! It's those voices again!!!!"

    (And; last, but not least!)

    15. Go into a fitting room and shut the door and wait a while; and, then,
    yell, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!"
  15. A short one

    A father and son went hunting together for the first time. The father said “Stay here and be VERY QUIET. I'll be across the field." A few minutes later the father heard a blood curdling scream and ran back to his son asking "What's wrong? I told you to be quiet." The son answered, "Look, I was quiet when the snake slithered across my feet. I was quiet when the bear breathed down my neck. But when the two chipmunks crawled up my pant legs and said 'Should we eat them here or take them with us?' I panicked!"

  16. R/X rated, those under 13 dont look...

    Whats the difference between a priest and a pimple?

    A pimple waits untill you are 13 to come all over your face

  17. Why Dogs Are Better Than Women
    1. Dogs love it when your friends come over.
    2. Dogs don't care if you use their shampoo.
    3. Dogs think you sing great.
    4. A dog's time in the bathroom is confined to a quick drink.
    5. The later you are, the more excited dogs are to see you.
    6. Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs.
    7. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.
    8. Dogs understand that farts are funny.
    9. Dogs love red meat.
    10. Dogs can appreciate excessive body hair.
    11. Dogs like it when you leave lots of things on the floor.
    12. Dogs never need to examine the relationship.
    13. A dog's parents never visit.
    14. Dogs love long car trips.
    15. Dogs understand that instincts are better than asking for directions.
    16. Dogs understand that all animals smaller than dogs were made to be hunted.
    17. Dogs like beer.
    18. No dog ever bought a Kenny G, Cher or Barbara Streisand album.
    19. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.
    20. Dogs don't worry about germs.
    21. Dogs don't want to know about every other dog you ever had.
    22. You never have to wait for a dog.
    23. They're ready to go 24 hours a day.
    24. Dogs don't borrow your shirts.
    25. Dogs enjoy heavy petting in public.
    26. Dogs never want foot-rubs.
    27. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.

  18. One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he remembers that
    it's his daughter's birthday. He pulls over to a toy store and asks the
    salesperson, "How much is the Barbie on the display window?"

    The salesperson answers, " Which one? We have:

    - Work out Barbie for $19.95

    - Shopping Barbie for $19.95

    - Beach Barbie for $19.95

    - Disco Barbie for $19.95

    - Divorced Barbie for $265.95

    The amazed father asks: "What? Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and
    the others only $19.95?"

    The salesperson annoyingly answers :

    "Sir..., "Divorced Barbie comes with:

    Ken's Car,

    Ken's House,

    Ken's Boat,

    Ken's Furniture,

    Ken's Computer and...

    One of Ken's Friends

  19. Not exactly a joke, but funny anyway

    >>>> Marines vs Liberal Talkshow host
    >>>> >
    >>>> EVER!
    >>>> >
    >>>> >Marine Corp's General Reinwald was interviewed on
    >>>> the radio the
    >>>> >other day
    >>>> >and you have to read his reply to the lady who
    >>>> interviewed him
    >>>> >concerning
    >>>> >guns and children. Regardless of how you feel about
    >>>> gun laws you
    >>>> >gotta love
    >>>> >this!!!!
    >>>> >
    >>>> >This is one of the best comeback lines of all time.
    >>>> It is a portion
    >>>> >of
    >>>> >National Public Radio (NPR) interview between a
    >>>> female broadcaster
    >>>> >and US
    >>>> >Marine Corps General Reinwald who was about to
    >>>> sponsor a Boy Scout
    >>>> >Troop
    >>>> >visiting his military installation.
    >>>> >
    >>>> >FEMALE INTERVIEWER: So, General Reinwald, what
    >>>> things are you going
    >>>> >to teach
    >>>> >these young boys when they visit your base?
    >>>> >
    >>>> >GENERAL REINWALD: We're going to teach them
    >>>> climbing, canoeing,
    >>>> >archery,
    >>>> and
    >>>> >shooting.
    >>>> >
    >>>> >FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Shooting! That's a bit
    >>>> irresponsible, isn't it?
    >>>> >
    >>>> >GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see why, they'll be
    >>>> properly supervised on
    >>>> >the
    >>>> >rifle range.
    >>>> >
    >>>> >FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Don't you admit that this is a
    >>>> terribly
    >>>> >dangerous
    >>>> >activity to be teaching children?
    >>>> >
    >>>> >GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see how. We will be
    >>>> teaching them proper
    >>>> >rifle
    >>>> >discipline before they even touch a firearm.
    >>>> >
    >>>> >FEMALE INTERVIEWER: But you're equipping them to
    >>>> become violent
    >>>> >killers.
    >>>> >
    >>>> >GENERAL REINWALD: Well, Ma'am, you're equipped to be
    >>>> a prostitute,
    >>>> >but
    >>>> >you're not one, are you?
    >>>> >
    >>>> >The radio went silent and the interview ended.
    >>>> >
    >>>> >You gotta love the
    >>>> Marines!
  20. Ancient Chinese Proverbs

    ·Virginity like bubble, one prick, all gone.
    ·Man who run in front of car get tired.
    ·Man who run behind car get exhausted.
    ·Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.
    ·Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.
    ·Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.
    ·Man with one chopstick go hungry.
    ·Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.
    ·Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
    ·Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.
    ·Panties not best thing on earth but next to best thing on earth.
    ·War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.
    ·Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.
    ·Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
    ·It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.
    ·Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.
    ·Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
    ·Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
    ·Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.
    ·Man who fart in church sit in own pew.
    ·Crowded elevator smell different to midget

  21. The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment...Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

    The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

    Ashley said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess."

    "What's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher.

    "Don't put all your eggs in one basket!"

    "Very good," said the teacher.

    Next, little Sarah raised her hand and said, "Our family are farmers too.But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks. The moral to this story is, "Don't count your chickens before they're hatched."

    "That was a fine story, Sarah. Michael?...Do you have a story to share?"

    "Yes, my daddy told me this story about my Aunt Karen. Aunt Karen was a flight engineer in the Gulf War and her plane was hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whisky, a machine gun and a machete. She drank the whisky on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of a hundred enemy troops.

    "She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke. Then she killed the last ten with her bare hands."

    "Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "what kind of moral is in that horrible story?"

    "Stay the f#ck away from Aunt Karen when she's been drinking!"

  22. Quote Originally Posted by delta314
    >>>> >FEMALE INTERVIEWER: But you're equipping them to
    >>>> become violent
    >>>> >killers.
    >>>> >
    >>>> >GENERAL REINWALD: Well, Ma'am, you're equipped to be
    >>>> a prostitute,
    >>>> >but
    >>>> >you're not one, are you?
    >>>> >
    >>>> >The radio went silent and the interview ended.
    >>>> >
    >>>> >You gotta love the
    >>>> Marines!
    I love it.
  23. children dont read

    A man and his wife are driving to the top of a tall, winding mountain. The man, who is driving is extremely cautious and slow. His wife is getting impatient, so she makes a deal with him. "For every mile you go faster, I will take off a piece of clothing!" Agreeing to the offer, he begins to put the petal to the metal. In a minute, she is completely naked. The husband is too busy looking at his wife to stay concentrated on the road, so they drive off the edge of the mountain. The woman is thrown from the car virtually unharmed, while her husband is crushed under the car with only his leg sticking out. The woman decides to place her husband's shoe over her ***** to cover herself while she flags down a car. As she approaches the edge of the road, a trucker sees her and stops. The frantic woman yells, "Help me! Help me! My husband is stuck!" The trucker then looks at the woman's shoe and replies, "Well... if he's in that far, I don't think I can help."

  24. > Subject: Cowboys & Indians
    > Three strangers strike up a conversation in the airport passenger lounge
    > in Bozeman, Montana, awaiting their flights.
    > One is an American Indian passing through from Lame Deer. Another is a
    > Cowboy on his way to Billings for a livestock show and the third
    > passenger is a fundamentalist Arab student, newly arrived at Montana
    > State University from the Middle East.
    > Their discussion drifts to their diverse cultures. Soon, the two
    > Westerners learn that the Arab is a devout, radical Muslim and the
    > conversation falls into an uneasy lull.
    > The cowboy leans back in his chair, crosses his boots on a magazine table
    > and tips his big sweat-stained hat forward over his face. The wind
    > outside is blowing tumbleweeds around, and the old windsock is flapping;
    > but still no plane comes.
    > Finally, the American Indian clears his throat and softly he speaks, At
    > one time here, my people were many, but sadly, now we are few."
    > The Muslim student raises an eyebrow and leans forward, "Once my people
    > were few," he sneers, "and now we are many. Why do you suppose that is?"
    > The Montana cowboy shifts his toothpick to one side of his mouth and from
    > the darkness beneath his Stetson says in a drawl, "That's 'cause we
    > ain't played Cowboys and Muslims yet, but I do believe it's a-comin'."

    There is no way in hell I'm going to let any part of your body touch any part of mine, again.
    ... without you in it.
    We haven't had a fight in a while.
    ... you cheap slob!
    I just don't want you as a boyfriend now.
    I can't believe you have nothing planned.
    My puppy does this, too.
    I LIKE YOU, BUT...
    I don't like you.
    ... just not in that way.
    You never listen.
    I'm not going to sleep with you until I find out if this guy at the gym has a girlfriend.
    I'm ready, but I'm going to make you wait because I know you will.
    I'm just being nice; there's no way I'm going dutch.
    Well, near there; I just want to get this over with.
    We're gonna get sloppy and make fun of you and your friends.
    I'm hungry.
    I'm sleepy.
    I'M TIRED.
    I'm tired.
    Get out of the way.
    Get out of the way and stay away until it clears.
    I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
    I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
    I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
    I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
    I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
    I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
    Nice cleavage!
    I want to fondle you!
    I don't see why you're making such a big deal out of this.
    What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now?
    I guess sex tonight is out of the question.
    I'M BORED.
    Do you want to have sex?
    Can we have sex now?
    OK, I said it. We'd better have sex now!
    That was great sex. Let's have more!
    That was great sex. Let's have more!
    I liked it better before.
    $50 and it doesn't look that much different!
    For $50 they should have GIVEN YOU hair!
    I'm trying to impress you by showing you that I am a deep person, and maybe then you'd like to have sex with me.
    I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys.
    I might as well get tax benefits for going through these talks.
    Why do you ask when you aren't going to listen anyway?
    Pick any freakin' dress and let's go home!
    Pick any freakin' dress and let's go home!
    Pick any freakin' dress and let's go home!
    ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ . . . . . . . .
    Pick any freakin' dress and let's go home!
    I'm gay
    I'm really stupid!

  26. An Amish Man and his son were standing in a fancy department store for the first time.

    They see these big shiny doors open and an ugly old women got in and they shut.

    After 2 minutes the doors opened and a beutifull young woman got out...

    The dad said to his son...

    "Quick, go get your mom!"

  27. An Irishman had been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender
    finally said that the bar is closing. So the Irishman stood up to
    leave and fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one more time; same

    He figured he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that
    will sober him up.

    Once outside he stood up and fell flat on his face. So he decided to
    crawl the 4 blocks to his home. When he arrived at the door he stood
    up and again fell flat on his face. He crawled through the door and
    into his bedroom.

    When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up. This time
    he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right into bed
    and is sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow. He was
    awakened the next morning to his wife standing over him, shouting,
    "So, you've been out drinking again!!"

    "What makes you say that?" he asked, putting on an innocent look.

    "The pub called -- you left your wheelchair there again."


    An American is having breakfast one morning (coffee, croissants, bread, butter and jam) when a Frenchman, chewing bubble-gum, sits down next to him. The American ignores the Frenchman who, nevertheless, starts a conversation.

    Frenchman: "You American folk eat the whole bread??"

    American (in a bad mood): "Of course."

    Frenchman: (after blowing a huge bubble) "We don't. In France, we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle it, transform them into croissants and sell them to the states." The Frenchman has a smirk on his face.

    The American listens in silence.

    The Frenchman persists: "Do you eat jelly with the bread??"

    American: "Of Course."

    Frenchman: (cracking his bubble-gum between his teeth and chuckling).

    "We don't. In France we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam and sell the jam to the states."

    After a moment of silence, The American then asks: "Do you have sex in France?"

    Frenchman: "Why of course we do", he says with a big smirk.

    American: "And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?"

    Frenchman: "We throw them away, of course."

    American: "We don't. In America, we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into bubble-gum and sell them to France."

  29. A city slicker friend of mine wanted to come hunt with me this deer season,
    so I told him to come on. I had some private land a rancher let me hunt on,
    but I had to let him know anytime I went there. As we drove up the long path
    to the rancher's homestead, I told my friend to wait in the truck while I
    went in and ask the man if if we could hunt. The rancher told me it was ok
    to hunt, but he ask me if I would do something for him before we went
    hunting, he had an old donkey that was on its last leg and and if I would
    put it down for him. I said no problem. When I got back to the truck I
    thought I would have a little fun with my friend. I acted real mad and I
    told him the rancher would not let us hunt. Then I pulled out my rifle and I
    said "you see that donkey over there?", watch this. "POW" The donkey hit the
    ground.... I had to turn my head to keep form laughing. Then, all the
    sudden, I heard 2 more shots ring out and my friend yell "I got 2 of his
    cows! Quick lets get out of here!"
  30. Things People Say........

    You will feel smarter after you read these responses.
    > >
    > > Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
    > > Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever,
    > > because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever,
    > > but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever,"
    > > --Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.
    > >
    > > "Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the
    > > I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not
    > > all those flies and death and stuff,"
    > > -- Mariah Carey
    > >
    > > "Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of
    > > your life,"
    > > -- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for a
    > > federal anti-smoking campaign.
    > >
    > > "I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body,"
    > > -- Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.
    > >
    > > "Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates
    > > the country,"
    > > -- Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC.
    > >
    > > "We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees,"
    > > -- Jason Kidd, upon his drafting to the Dallas Mavericks.
    > >
    > > "I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are
    > > the president,"
    > > -- Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents.
    > >
    > > "That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and
    > > I'm just the one to do it,"
    > > -- A congressional candidate in Texas.
    > >
    > > "Half this game is ninety percent mental."
    > > -- Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark
    > >
    > > "It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities
    > > our air and water that are doing it."
    > > -- Al Gore, Vice President
    > >
    > > "If you let that sort of thing go on, your bread and butter will be cut
    > > right out from under your feet,"
    > > -- Former British foreign minister, Ernest Bevin.
    > >
    > > "I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix."
    > > -- Dan Quayle
    > >
    > > "We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?"
    > > -- Lee Iacocca
    > >
    > > "I was provided with additional input that was radically different from
    > > the truth. I assisted in furthering that version,"
    > > -- Colonel Oliver North, from his Iran-Contra testimony.
    > >
    > > "The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like
    > > Norman Einstein,"
    > > -- Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.
    > >
    > > "We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of
    > > people.
    > > -- Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.
    > >
    > > "If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."
    > > -- Bill Clinton, President
    > >
    > > "We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur."
    > > -- Al Gore, VP
    > >
    > > "Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas."
    > > - Keppel Enderbery
    > >
    > > "The loss of life will be irreplaceable."
    > > -- Dan Quayle
    > >
    > > "I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the only regret I have
    > > that I didn't study my Latin harder in school so I could converse with
    > > those people."
    > > -- Dan Quayle, VP
    > >
    > > "It is wonderful to be here in the great state of Chicago!"
    > > -- Dan Quayle, VP
    > >
    > > "Hawaii is a unique state. It is a small state. It is a state that is
    > > itself. It is different from the other 49 states. Well, all states are
    > > different, but it's got a particularly unique situation."
    > > -- Dan Quayle, VP
    > >
    > > "Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we
    > > notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if
    > > is a change in your circumstances."
    > > -- Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina
    > >
    > > "We apologize for the error in last week's paper in which we stated that
    > > Mr. Arnold Dogbody was a defective in the police force. We meant, of
    > > course, that Mr. Dogbody is a detective in the police farce."
    > > -- Correction Notice in the Ely Standard, a British newspaper
    > >
    > > "If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as
    > > go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the
    > > next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record."
    > > -- Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman

  31. An Arizona couple, both well into their 80s, go to a sex therapist's office.
    The doctor asks, "What can I do for you?"
    The man says, "Will you watch us make love?" The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees. When the couple finishes, the doctor says, "There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you make love." He thanks them for coming, wishes them good luck, charges them $50 and says good-bye.
    The next week, however, the couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees.
    This happens several weeks in a row. The couple makes an appointment, makes love with no problems, pays the doctor, then leaves.

    Finally, after seven or eight weeks of this, the doctor says, "I'm sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?"
    The old man says, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $98. The Hilton charges $139. We do it here for $50, and I get $43 back from Medicare!"

  32. A rich old man was well known for paying large sums of money to individuals that could do something beyond a normal persons abilities. He would gather them and host tournaments between the best of the best. On one occasion he ran an ad through papers all around the world searching for men that could stay awake for long periods of time. Many people came forth claiming their advanced abilities to go without sleep. These men were then narrowed down to three. The three that remained were then told the rules of the game. They would each be sent to different deserted islands and forced to stay there one month. Whoever could remain awake for that time would be the winner and inherit the old man's fortunes. They were each given one wish of what they wanted on the island to help them stay awake. The first man wished for a dozen women to pass the time. The second asked for a case of Vivarin to help him through the month. The last man asked for 30 cartons of cigarettes due to his strong addiction. After they had all received their supplies they were sent to their respective islands to begin the competition. After the month had finished the old man, in his private helicopter, went to each island to see who was able to remain awake. The first man that had requested the 12 women was sound asleep when the old man arrived, however he did have a big smile on his face while sleeping. The second man that had requested the Vivarin was found dead. Apparently he had died quite recently of a overdose. When the old man arrived at the last island the man that had requested the thirty cartons of cigarettes was wide awake and running back and forth across the island. The old man landed and congratulated the man for winning the competition. All that the man could say was, "dddddooeessss annyyyboddddddyyyyyy havvvvvvveeee aaaaaaaaa liiiiiiggggghhhttttttttt!!!!!! !!?????????"

  33. not for the easily disgusted...

    So 2 guys, billy and ed, were sitting in ed's house. Ed says "theres this girl up the street that can give head while singing opera."

    So they go up the street...

    The girl, jane, says she can, but the lights have to be off when she does it. Ed decides to go first. He goes in her room, she turns the light off, and she starts giving him head while singing opera.

    Billy, pissed off, decides ed is taking too long. He breaks into the room, turns on the light. Just as that happens, jane pops in her glass eye.
  34. Women was created

    First the Lord made man in the Garden of Eden.
    Then he said to himself, "There's something he's needing' ". After casting about for a suitable pearl, He kept messing around and created a girl.

    Two beautiful legs, so long and so slender,
    Round, slim, and firm, and ever so tender.
    Two lovely hips to increase his desire,
    And rounded and firm to bring out the fire.
    Two lovely breasts, so full and so proud,
    Commanding his eyes, as he whispers aloud.
    Two lovely arms, just aching to bless you,
    And two loving hands, to soothe and caress you.
    Soft, cascading hair hung down over her shoulder,
    And two dreamy eyes, just to make him grow bolder.
    'Twas made for a man, just to make his heart sing.
    Then he added a mouth.

    Ruined the whole ****ing thing

    > For a couple years I've been blaming it on iron deficient

    blood, lack of
    > vitamins, dieting and a dozen other maladies. But now I

    > the real reason. I'm tired because I'm overworked.
    > The population of this country is 237 million. 104 million

    > retired.
    > That leaves 133 million to do the work.
    > There are 85 million in school, which leaves 48 million to

    do the work.
    > Of this, there are 29 million employed by the federal

    government. This
    > leaves 19 million to do the work. 4 million are in the

    Armed Forces,
    > which leaves 15 million to do the work.
    Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work
    > for State and City Government, and that leaves 200,000 to do

    the work.
    > There are 188,000 ill and in hospitals, so that leaves

    > to do the work. Now, there are 11,998 people in
    > prisons. That leaves just two
    > people to do the work...
    > You and me.
    > And you're sitting there screwing around
    > reading jokes...
  36. Beer Troubleshooting

    SYMPTOM: Beer is crystal-clear.
    FAULT: It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up.
    ACTION: Punch him..

    SYMPTOM: Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in.
    FAULT: You've wandered into the wrong party.
    ACTION: See if they have free beer.

    SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
    FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
    ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.

    SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
    FAULT: Improper bladder control.
    ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training

    SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
    FAULT: Glass empty.
    ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

    SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
    FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
    ACTION: Have yourself chained to bar.

    SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
    FAULT: You have fallen forward.
    ACTION: See above.....

    SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
    FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
    ACTION: Retire to bog, practice in mirror..

    SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
    FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
    ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

    SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
    FAULT: You are being carried out.
    ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar..

    SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
    FAULT: Bar has closed.
    ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender, take taxi home.

    SYMPTOM: Bar suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures.
    FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
    ACTION: Cover mouth....

    SYMPTOM: Everyone looks up to you and smiles.
    FAULT: You are dancing on the table.
    ACTION: Fall on somebody cushy-looking.....

    SYMPTOM: Hands hurts, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.
    FAULT: You have been in a fight.
    ACTION: Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them.

    SYMPTOM: Your singing sounds distorted.
    FAULT: The beer is too weak.
    ACTION: Have more beer until your voice improves....

    SYMPTOM: Don't remember the words to the song.
    FAULT: Beer is just right.
    ACTION: Play air guitar......

    You all know about the Darwin Awards - It's an annual honor given to the person who did the gene pool the biggest service by killing him/herself in the most extraordinarily stupid way.
    It is once again time to vote for the Darwin Award nominees for 1997.
    You may recall last year's Darwin Award winner: The man who found out moments before making a 300 MPH dent in an Arizona cliff that the JATO (jet assist take off) unit he'd strapped to his car could not be turned off once it was turned on.
    1994's winner was the fellow who was killed by a Coke machine which toppled on top of him as he was attempting to tip a free soda out of it.
    The 1997 nominees are:
    NOMINEE #1 [San Jose Mercury News]
    An unidentified man, using a shotgun like a club to break a former girlfriend's windshield, accidentally shot himself to death when the gun discharged, blowing a hole in his gut.
    NOMINEE #2 [Kalamazoo Gazette, 4-1-95]
    James Burns, 34, of Alamo, Mich., was killed in March as he was trying to repair what police described as a "farm-type truck." Burns got a friend to drive the truck on a highway while Burns hung underneath so that he could ascertain the source of a troubling noise. Burns' clothes caught on something, however, and the other man found Burns "wrapped in the drive shaft."
    NOMINEE #3 [Reuters, Mississauga, Ontario]
    A man cleaning a bird feeder on the balcony of his condominium apartment in this Toronto suburb, slipped and fell 23 floors to his death while he was standing on chair on wheels. "It appears the chair moved and he went over the balcony. It's one of those freak accidents. No foul play is suspected."
    NOMINEE #4 [Hickory Daily Record 12/21/92]
    Ken Charles Barger, 47, accidentally shot himself to death in December in Newton, N.C., when, awakening to the sound of a ringing telephone beside his bed, he reached for the phone but grabbed instead a Smith & Wesson 38 Special, which discharged when he drew it to his ear.
    NOMINEE #5 [UPI, Toronto]
    Police said a lawyer demonstrating the safety of windows in a downtown Toronto skyscraper crashed through a pane with his shoulder and plunged 24 floors to his death. A police spokesman said Garry Hoy, 39, fell into the courtyard of the Toronto Dominion Bank Tower early Friday evening as he was explaining the strength of the building's windows to visiting law students. Hoy previously had conducted demonstrations of window strength according to police reports. Peter Lauwers, managing partner of the firm Holden Day Wilson, told the Toronto Sun newspaper that Hoy was "one of the best and brightest" members of the 200-man association.(editors note: This doesn't say much for the Assn.)
    NOMINEE #6 [AP, Cairo, Egypt, 31 Aug 1995 CAIRO, Egypt (AP)]
    Six people drowned Monday while trying to rescue a chicken that had fallen into a well in southern Egypt. An 18-year-old farmer was the first to descend into the 60-foot well. He drowned, apparently after an undercurrent in the water pulled him down, police said. His sister and two brothers, none of whom could swim well, went in one by one to help him, but also drowned. Two elderly farmers then came to help, but they apparently were pulled by the same undercurrent. The bodies of the six were later pulled out of the well in the village of Nazlat Imara, 240 miles south of Cairo. The chicken was also pulled out. It survived.
    NOMINEE #7 [Bloomburg News Service, 25 March]
    A terrible diet and a room with no ventilation are being blamed for the death of a man who was killed by his own gas. There was no mark on his body but autopsy showed large amounts of methane gas in his system. His diet had consisted primarily of beans and cabbage (and a couple of other things). It was just the right combination of foods. It appears that the man died in his sleep from breathing from the poisonous cloud that was hanging over his bed. Had he been outside or had his windows been opened, it wouldn't have been fatal. But the man was shut up in his near airtight bedroom. He was".. a big man with a huge capacity for creating [this deadly gas]." Three of the rescuers got sick and one was hospitalized.
    NOMINEE #9 [18 May 93, San Jose Mercury News]
    A 24-year-old salesman from Hialeah, Fla., was killed near Lantana, Fla., in March when his car smashed into a pole in the median strip of Interstate 95 in the middle of the afternoon. Police said that the man was traveling at 80 MPH and, judging by the sales manual that was found open and clutched to his chest, had been busy reading.
    NOMINEE #13 [Reuters, Warsaw, Poland, 5 May 1995]
    A poacher electrocuting fish in a lake in central Poland fell into the water and suffered the same fate as his quarry, police said Thursday. The 24-year-old man was one of four who went fishing with a cable, one end of which they attached to a net and the other to a high-voltage electricity supply line, the PAP news agency quoted a police official in Wloclawek as saying. "For a while everything went according to the poachers' plan and they had fish in their bags. But at a certain moment the man holding the net tripped and fell into the water," the agency said. The other poachers tried in vain to revive him, it said.
    NOMINEE #14 [AP, St. Louis]
    Robert Puelo, 32, was apparently being disorderly in a St. Louis market. When the clerk threatened to call police, Puelo grabbed a hot dog, shoved it in his mouth, and walked out without paying for it. Police found him unconscious in front of the store: paramedics removed the six inch wiener from his throat, where it had choked him to death.
    NOMINEE #15 [Unknown]
    The poacher Marino Malerba, who shot a stag standing above him on a overhanging rock and was killed instantly when it fell on him.
    NOMINEE 16 [Associated Press, Kincaid, W. VA]
    A man at a party popped a blasting cap into his mouth and bit down,triggering an explosion that blew off his lips, teeth and tongue, state police said Wednesday. Jerry Stromyer, 24,of Kincaid, bit the blasting cap as a prank during a party late Tuesday night, said Cpl. M.D.Payne. "Another man had it in an aquarium, hooked to a battery, and was trying to explode it," Payne said. "It wouldn't go off and this guy said, I'll show you how to set it off. "I just can't imagine anyone doing something like that," Payne said.
    NOMINEE #17 [Fort Worth Star-Telegram, 1-1-93]
    In December near Mineral Wells, Tex., three men who were attempting to steal copper wire off live electrical lines for resale were electrocuted. Copper wiring is a valuable scrap metal in Texas but is usually stolen from electric cables that are not being used.
    * Here are some people that may be future nominees/winners, but still haven't made it to the "Big Leagues"
    * [UPI, Portland, OR]
    Doctors at Portland's University Hospital said Wednesday an Oregon man shot through the skull by a hunting arrow is lucky to be alive, and will be released soon from the hospital. Tony Roberts, 25, lost his right eye last weekend during an initiation into a men's rafting club Mountain Men Anonymous, in Grants Pass, Ore. A friend tried to shoot a beer can off his head, but the arrow entered Roberts' right eye. Doctors said had the arrow gone 1 millimeter to the left, a major blood vessel would have been cut and Roberts would have died instantly. Neurosurgeon Dr. Johnny Delashaw at the University Hospital in Portland said the arrow went through 8 to 10 inches of brain, with the tip protruding at the rear of his skill, yet somehow managed to miss all major blood vessels. Delashaw also said had Robert tried to pull the arrow out on his own he surely would have killed himself. Roberts admitted afterwards he and his friends had been drinking that afternoon. Said Roberts, "I feel so dumb about this." No charges have been filed but the Josephine County district attorney's office said the initiation stunt is under investigation.
    * From The Calgary Sun Saturday, December 28,
    1996: Low Blow for Gunman VANCOUVER (CP)
    A man arguing over a love triangle accidentally shot himself in the groin, taking off his testicles and part of his penis. Police said the man was waving a .357 Magnum revolver around during the shouting match early yesterday. But when he stuffed it back in his pants the gun went off. Police were called to the hospital after the man in his 20's was brought in by friends. Charges are pending against the victim, who is expected to survive.
    * Arkansas Democrat Gazette, July 25, 1996:Two Local Men Injured in Freak Truck Accident, Cotton Patch, Ark.
    Two local men were seriously injured when their pickup truck left the road and struck a tree near Cotton Patch on State Highway 38 early Monday morning. Woodruff County deputy Dovey Snyder reported the accident shortly after midnight Monday. Thurston Poole, 33, of Des Arc and Billy RayWallis, 38, of Little Rock are listed in serious condition at Baptist Medical Center. The accident occurred as the two men were returning to Des Arc after a frog gigging trip. On an overcast Sunday night, Poole's pickup truck headlights malfunctioned. The two men concluded that the headlight fuse on the older model truck had burned out. As a replacement fuse was not available, Wallis noticed that the .22 caliber bullet from his pistol fit perfectly into the fuse box next to the steering wheel column. Upon inserting the bullet, the headlights again began to operate properly and the two men proceeded on eastbound toward the White River bridge. After traveling approximately twenty miles and just before crossing the river, the bullet apparently overheated, discharged and struck Poole in the right testicle. The vehicle swerved sharply to the right exiting the pavement and striking a tree. Poole suffered only minor cuts and abrasions from the accident, but will require surgery to repair the other wound. Wallis sustained a broken clavicle and was treated and released. "Thank God we weren't on that bridge when Thurston shot his nuts off or we might both be dead" stated Wallis.

  38. Hope this isn't a repeat....

    Why did the homo put a nicotine patch on his pecker?
    He was trying to quit doing butts!
  39. This just about sums up the difference between men and women.


    Saturday night I thought he was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friend all day, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment.
    Conversation wasn't flowing so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk.
    He agreed, but he kept quiet and absent. I asked him what was wrong he said nothing.
    I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said it had nothing to do with me and not to worry. On the way home I told him that I loved him, he simply smiled and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior. I don't know why he didn't say "I love you too." When we got home I felt as if I had lost him, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there and watched TV. He seemed distant and absent. Finally I decided to go to bed, about 10 minutes later he came to bed and to my surprise he responded to my caress and we made love, but I still felt that he was distracted and his thoughts were somewhere else. I decided that I could not take it anymore, so I decided to confront him with the situation but he had fallen asleep. I started crying and cried until I too fell asleep.

    I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else.

    My life is a disaster.


    I missed an enormous 10-point buck this morning.

    I can't shoot worth a damn anymore; maybe my eyesight is getting bad?

    Got laid though!


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