Things we must do...
- 02-02-2006, 09:55 AM
Things we must do...
When I was 4 months old my Great Grandmother adopted me. Since then this women has been my mother. On Fri. night she went into ICU. She is 93
and the Doctor says most of her systems are failing.
Now they need a decision on futher life saving procedures. As of now this has fallen to me. It is with great distress that I must make this. Me, the eternal optimist sees
improvement as if she knows we are there now. The Docs say otherwise she is hanging between here and now and gone.
The need to put this here is in hopes that someone not e-motionaly involved will say something enlightening. Because at this point this is not something I want to carry.
- 02-02-2006, 11:57 AM
What a tough moment in your life EE. The decision you make must be one you can live with forever. In your heart, what would she want you to do? She will love you always, but what would she want? I know she wouldn't want to cause you pain or sorrow. I feel the hardest thing on you is you must be the one to say goodbye. Of course you want her to live, but is it her time? What can you live with?
My support and best of luck with this. Hang in there, I know she'd want you to.My The 1 LOG: http://anabolicminds.com/forum/steroids/254164-my-one-log.html
02-02-2006, 12:16 PM
02-02-2006, 12:28 PM
02-02-2006, 12:40 PM
EE pray, sit still and think this over, I dont know how religious you are but if you are its something I would suggest. If you are not religious, I would say think of all the good times you have had with her, and the times others fell Ill how did she react, did she want them to suffer, or did she want them to live and fight if they had a chance? Any decision you make will be tough, but in the end know you made the right one.
02-02-2006, 12:51 PM
Thanks again to all.
The decision may be made for me. She does have a living will which I will get a copy of when her Docs office opens at 5:00. The lawyer or no one else has this but my wife remembers giving the Doc a copy.
Apowerz6 I have been praying about this for days!
02-02-2006, 12:54 PM
i am so sorry. i cant even imagine losing my mom. look up though, even though it may seem impossible to do. shes lived a long life and from what you say, sounds like shes given and recieved alot of love....which means that shes a fortunate woman she knows that you LOVE her and are there with her no matter what (more than i can say about my dads mother...). think of what she would like during this hard time. she'll understand.
on another note---my own grandpa got admitted into the ICU yesterday. he signed a DNR (do not resus.), so in that aspect my family doesnt have to distress about that issue. the doctors are going to pull the plug on him if he doesnt come out in three weeks. the doctors say that if he doesnt come out in three days, he probably wont. today is day two. the SADDER note than even his illness, his wife (my biological grandmother), she owns her own hair salon and said to my family that she caant stay with him during these "could be" last days due to the fact that she needs to go to work... im embarrassed to be related to that heartless woman. she also told us dont bother to ccome and see my grandpa bc hes not really awake anyways....shes disgusting....
sorry about my tangent...moral, im glad that your grandmother has someone who is there for her and loves her so much
02-02-2006, 01:35 PM
i dont know if she is being heartless, selfish yes, but for some their coping mechanisms will not allow them to be seen in a vulnerable state. I ahve seen wives in particular not cry at husbands funeral, and people not got to people's funeral because they could not deall with them seeing them like that. I mean i hated seeing my pops in the hospital when he had his stroke, and dreaded going to see him like that, and he hated me seeing him laid up, but he made it. Sorry for the tangent but people deal with grief in different ways.
EE i am here praying for you and family bro...
02-02-2006, 02:55 PM
As you love her, so let her go.
That was sent to me and I will. Don`t worry about the TANGENTS. Its good to see that it`s not just my pain but we all suffer from the same things.
02-02-2006, 02:58 PM
God bless your heart. If it's her time to go then let her go. I'll pray to God to take her to a better place.
02-02-2006, 03:16 PM
Sorry that you are going through such a difficult time. I will be sure to keep you and your family in my prayers.
02-02-2006, 03:22 PM
What a tough situation all I can say is follow your heart because im sure your head is confused right now.Whatever you decide just tried to avoid the what if's or maybe if I did this, that stuff will haunt you. Try to follow your heart and respect her wishes no matter how tough they may be..
02-02-2006, 03:25 PM
I am not going to be one to sit here and say you should do this or that, but me and my dad have talked about this as I am the one most like him in the family. He wants me to be the one to make the decision and stand up whenever his time shall come. He has told me that he doesnt want to be in state where he cant take care of himself. I sit and think, will I really be able to make that call. Yes, I will, because that is my dad, I love him, and will do whatever he wants. It will cause me pain, but also happiness knowing that I was courageous enought to carry out what he wanted. In a time like this you have to think about what she would want, rather then what you would. I know that your heart is hurting but in time you will be with her agian, except this time, forever with man up stairs. Ill be thinking about ya!
02-02-2006, 03:29 PM
You're in my prayers. I went through this with my Grandmother, who also raised me, a few yesrs ago. I was with her in the hospital for over a week. The last few days she couldn't even open her eyes. The last night, about three am, I was standing next to her bed holding her hand and she opened her eyes and smiled at me and then she passed. Be strong. I'm saying that with tears in my eyes.
02-02-2006, 06:41 PM
On to acceptance... man it`s hard knowing you won`t see someone ever again. Been down this road before but it never gets easier. This one hurts more it seems. Seeing her everyday for the last 15 years she has lived with us now never again in this life.
She chose death in her will... and as much as I would like to hide this fact
I know I can`t. Even left the choice up to someone that is not part of the family. I would suppose so none would feel guilty.
Thanks everyone... may God bless us all.
02-02-2006, 06:57 PM
02-02-2006, 11:16 PM
being there and knowing you did everything in your power to make her comfortable - that is what she would be proud of...
i just lost my grandfather last wednesday...we drove 8 hours the weekend before to see him and my belief is that he waited for my dad and I to visit him and see him one last time.
he was not expected to go this fast - but him knowing we cared enough to see him over and over again is what is highly appreciated by them. its tough and in the long run, for them to suffer is not wanted...
good luck and prayin to the big guy up stairs...
02-03-2006, 11:36 AM
Delivered the papers and released any hold I may have had. Now it is up to a power greater than myself _/\_
02-03-2006, 01:52 PM
its unfortunate, but you did the right thing...Last thing you want is for her to suffer any longer than needs be.
02-03-2006, 01:57 PM
02-03-2006, 03:37 PM
my thoughts with you EE. it is a hard decision to make, but as man faithful to Him, He will guide you.
"A Native American elder once described his own inner struggles in this manner: Inside of me there are two dogs. One of the dogs is mean and evil. The other dog is good. The mean dog fights the good dog all the time. When asked which dog wins, he reflected for a moment and replied, The one I feed the most." -George Bernard Shaw
02-03-2006, 05:45 PM
Originally Posted by EEmain
It is hard to know that you wont ever see someone again, if i might over some advice, say what you have to say to her, you will feel so much better...I lost my sister when I was 14, she was killed, never got to say goodbye, and the rest is in knowing that the suffering is going to end....
(((((HUGZ))))) your in my thoughts...
RIP Ryan, :(
02-03-2006, 05:59 PM
Thanks, I did. That is what I meant by release any hold I had one her.Originally Posted by toughchick401
02-08-2006, 02:12 PM
"Life is what happens when we plan something else."
Twisted is all I can say. 3 days of living hell! After saying goodbye when delivering the will I expected to come home and my wife say"Hone the hospital called..." Well that didn`t happen. God never gives me answers that clear instead I always have to work for them. Man he pisses me off but that is a different story for a different time.
The lessons have come from the Buddhist side of my beliefs. " Birth-Old age-Sickness-Death" the best we can hope for is to skip sickness once we are born. The outcome is already set(death). Attachment to things impermanant. Mother is not her body but a construct of heart and mind. If she were her body why is it left behind when the life force exits?
Those are just things of the mind it is the lesson of the heart or soul if you perfer that are more important.
After the Hospital invalidated the will the choice to disconnect the ventilator fell back to me. Even though everything the 6 Doctors said was logical, sound and true. The will to do this wasn`t there. Giving up one of the most important people in your life twice in a week!
Anyhow people that hardly ever talk came together to decide that to allow her to pass would be best. Wonder how long this familial gathering lasts.
After 15 hours the Hospital decided she could be moved to a different room. My daughter and I went to get lunch from the cafeteria and when we returned she had passed.
Other things took place that showed me some kind of direction was at work here but they are private moments. Now a peace exits just below the sadness. Maybe one day I will understand why. But for now it`s enough to know that she never lived
more truely than in our hearts and minds.
02-08-2006, 02:21 PM
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