Chuck Norris on Cold Pizza
- 01-11-2006, 11:33 AM
Chuck Norris on Cold Pizza
Just wanted to let everyone know, Cold Pizza had Chuck on this morning. They air a repeat episode directly after the live airing (12PM to 2PM EST on ESPN2). He talks about his new novel, his new fighting league and dispells some of the "myths" about himself.
Here was one. "When filming on the set of Dodgeball the movie, he challenged everyone there to a game of dodgeball...and won."
- 01-11-2006, 11:34 AM
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01-11-2006, 12:09 PM
Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
01-11-2006, 02:42 PM
Originally Posted by Pioneer
I am not the funniest person in the world, (see last post), but that was not very funny, actually funny at all. sorry, try again!!
01-11-2006, 02:57 PM
relax man, damn, it was just something from 30 random facts about chuck norris. sheeshOriginally Posted by revodrew
30 Facts about Chuck Norris
1. Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
2. A blind man once stepped on Chuck Norris' shoe. Chuck replied, "Don't you know who I am? I'm Chuck Norris!" The mere mention of his name cured this man blindness. Sadly the first, last, and only thing this man ever saw, was a fatal roundhouse delivered by Chuck Norris.
3. Chuck Norris does not teabag the ladies. He potato-sacks them.
4. Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparallelled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
5. Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
6. Chuck Norris can piss into gale force winds.
7. Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
8. Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't @#%$ with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.
9. Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.
10. Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris found a stillborn baby lamb and brought it back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the lamb sprang back to life a crowd of the crew members gathered. Chuck Norris then roundhouse kicked the lamb's head off its neck, just to remind the crew once more that Chuck giveth, and huck
11. Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.
12. The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
13. To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and acquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.
14. If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.
15. Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favouritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.
16. Chuck Norris can eat not just six Saltine crackers in a minute, but six sleeves of them. Remarkably, this ability has nothing to do with roundhouse kicks; he just loves eating crackers.
17. Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
18. Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.
19. Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris
20. Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying "booya".
21. There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.
22. When Chuck Norris's wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck said, "Don't worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, "Never question Chuck Norris."
23. One of the greatest cover-ups of the last century was the fact that Hitler did not commit suicide in his bunker, but was in fact tea-bagged to death by Chuck Norris.
24. Chuck Norris once tried to sue Burger King after they refused to put razor wire in his Whopper Jr., insisting that that actually is "his" way.
25. One time in an airport a guy accidently called Chuck Norris "Chick Norris". He explained it was an honest mistake and apologized profusely. Chuck accepted his apology and politley signed an autograph. Nine months later, the guy's wife gave birth to a bearded baby. The guy knew exactly what had happened, and blames nobody but himself.
26. On June 7th 1994, Chuck Norris entered the same restaurant supermodel Cindy Crawford was eating at. Instinctively, Cindy swept everything off the table, threw herself on it in a fit of lust, and begged Chuck to ravish her. After Chuck finished his beer, he obliged her. When Chuck's magnificent lead sperm cannoned into Cindy's womb it went straight to one of her ovaries and roared, "Which one of you servile wenches thinks you can handle getting split open by the Chuck!?" All of the eggs cowered in the corner. The same thing happened at the other ovary. "I didn't @#%$ think so!" shouted the lead sperm which then lead the rest of the troops back into Chuck's balls. Chuck pulled out, roundhouse kicked Cindy in the face and told her, "Don't ever waste my time again."
27. Chuck Norris once bet NASA he could survive re-entry without a spacesuit. On July 19th, 1999, a naked Chuck Norris re-entered the earth's atmosphere, streaking over 14 states and reaching a temperature of 3000 degrees. An embarrassed NASA publically claimed it was a meteor, and still owes him a beer.
28. Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a @#%$ Indian.
29. Those aren't credits that roll after Walker Texas Ranger, it is actually a list of people that Chuck Norris round house kicked in the face that day.
30. After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. His reasoning? It was more "humane".
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01-11-2006, 05:16 PM
Why don't you go find Chuck and tell him one of your jokes, then he'll kill you for you......Originally Posted by revodrew
01-11-2006, 05:30 PM
Thanks brutha! Hope I can live up to my new rep of "being just really nice" (no body that knows me will believe it...)Originally Posted by Beelzebub
01-11-2006, 05:35 PM
01-12-2006, 02:05 AM
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01-12-2006, 02:15 PM
best one yet!!Originally Posted by mywetnightmares
Chuck Norris once ordered a Big Mac at Burger King..
and got it!
01-13-2006, 11:21 AM
I once saw Chuck Norris eat a midget whole. Chuck Norris proceeded to crap the midget out. (Intact, might I add.) When the midget had cleaned himself off a bit, he ran to Chuck Norris yelling, "Thank you, thank you, thank you!" Chuck roundhouse kicked him.
01-13-2006, 11:26 AM
01-13-2006, 11:29 AM
Wilt Chamberlain claims to have slept with more than 20,000 women in his lifetime. Chuck Norris calls this "a slow Tuesday."
Chuck Norris does not go hunting because "hunting" implies a chance of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.
Outer space exists because it's afraid to be on the same planet with Chuck Norris.
There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of creatures Chuck Norris has allowed to live.
01-13-2006, 12:44 PM
01-13-2006, 07:12 PM
When I don't know questions on tests I write stories, this one was on my calc final.
Chuck Norris once took Math 165, needless to say, he got an A. How did he do it one might ask? He simply wrote Chuck Norris for every answer and included a picture of himself crouched and ready to attack. Too bad I'm not Chuck Norris.
01-13-2006, 07:27 PM
01-14-2006, 10:25 AM
more (if you can take it...)
Chuck Norris created the hole in the ozone layer, "to get a better look at the sun."
On 9/11 Chuck Norris didn't say anything. Instead he hopped into the Norriscoptor, flew to Afghanistan, captured Osama bin Laden and keeps him locked in his basement. He has promised president Bush he'll turn him over once he's done beating the **** out of him.
Chuck Norris can hear testosterone.
Chuck Norris killed for your sins.
The dinosaurs were not killed by a comet. Chuck Norris destroyed it before impact. He then yelled "sike!" and proceeded to kill every dinosaur his bare hands.
Macgyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck Norris can kill him and take it.
Chuck Norris knows Steven Segall personally. He is made up of the corn in Chuck Norris' fecal matter.
Guns don't kill people.
Chuck Norris kills people.
In order to survive a nuclear attack, you must remember to stop, drop, and be Chuck Norris.
Every Chuck Norris film ever made was a documentary film about Chuck Norris.
All the Delta Force movies are in fact Chuck Norris' real life home videos.
Chuck Norris uses wasabi as lip balm.
Whenever Chuck Norris needs a new pair of boots he just goes out and kicks through a cow.
01-14-2006, 10:29 AM
01-14-2006, 01:27 PM
Chuck Norris did so well on his LSATs that it broke the machine that grades them. When a senator showed up to present him with a licesne to practice law, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked him and said "I make my own justice."
01-15-2006, 09:17 AM
A waiter asked Chuck Norris what he would be eating that night. Chuck Norris replied "Do you serve souls?" The waiter merely chuckled, then every patron and employee in the restaurant simultaneously hung themselves.
Ask not what Chuck Norris will do for a Klondike bar, ask what the Klondike bar will do for Chuck Norris.
The symbol for Chuck Norris in sign language is a middle finger on fire.
Chuck Norris was sent to the principal's office in fourth grade for roundhouse kicking his teacher to death... while bench pressing 5,000 lbs. and making fun of the foreign kid.
Chuck Norris's sperm are as big as eels
Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost
Chuck Norris is not a vegetarian. He knows that extended periods of vegetarianism only lead to a multitude of small vaginas growing on your skin until you eventually become a giant *****.
01-15-2006, 09:25 AM
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