Love is a B**TCH

[DAdams91982]

Okay, so here is my sob story, that some of you more seasoned vets in the area of love can help me out with.

So I have a fiance' been with her 2.5 years... love her to death. Have done everything for her, short of NOTHING!!! I have always been little sappy with her, and supported her in everything she has done. Well she got out of the military, and went back home to cali in august, and was coming back over here in feb. right after we got married. Well for new years, I learned a little rumor. That in July before she left, she had a 3some with another girl, and a guy. Drunk as ****... at first I just passed this off as a rumor. But love being blind, I wanted to make sure I wasnt kidding myself. So I approached the guy, man to man, and asked him strait up. He told me strait up that it was true, and even had a few details. We I approached her with this, she denied denied denied. Even had me start to think it wasnt true. Well so I took it one step further, and asked the other girl (Mind you, this person doesnt like me at all)... She gave me this answer... "being the fact that neither ****** or ****** are in my life anymore it is not my place to bring up the past. I'm sorry i can't help you on this. Its not my place. "

So that is where I am right now. I love this woman deeply, but dont know what to do right now... Im lost, and confused. And BTW, we did take a break for about a month in the middle of it (Her Idea), and she had something going on with someone else... which even extended a bit into our relationship after getting back together (Not the sex, but being close to each other). So again... I do deeply love her, and want to live a life with her.... but this **** is HURTING bad. Hopefully some of you have some insight, and can disect some of this human psyche for me.

Adams

 

[CDB]

Can't gather from your post if the threesome happened while you were together or not. If not, leave it be. I don't think there's anyone who doesn't have something in their past, sexual or otherwise, that they'd want shared, even with the person they love the most. I'd be more concerned about the relationship she had while she was with you/not with you. And, if the threesome happened while you were together, get out. You could confront her again and say you know it's true etc. But, in the end you really don't know, and she'll likely deny it anyway regardless of the truth of it. What matters is your doubts and the effect they're going to have on you and the relationship. If you can't put them to rest, there's probably a reason and you need to get out before you get seriously hurt.

I have a tendency to be sappy too. When you become not sappy you basically get two responses: either it's holy ****, I didn't know he had a spine; or go **** yourself, how dare you grow a spine now after all this time? The results of the former can go either way. The latter are always disastrous. I can't count the girlfriends I've lost because me being me, I generally don't give a **** or stress about much. Go out with you friends? Have fun. Have friends who are guys? Cool deal. Need some support? Got it, etc. Then when the time comes to put my foot down about something it's a surprise to her. That ended my last relationship and that wasn't easy at all.

But, back to you, you need to shut this down now, either way. The best advice is don't let it linger, those doubts will eat at you and if you find out in some way that they are true after you're married, it's going to hurt worse. But, like I said also if the threesome happened before your relationship, suck it up and deal with it, or be prepared to have anything in your own history you might be ashamed of laid bare in front of her.

 

[DAdams91982]

But, back to you, you need to shut this down now, either way. The best advice is don't let it linger, those doubts will eat at you and if you find out in some way that they are true after you're married, it's going to hurt worse. But, like I said also if the threesome happened before your relationship, suck it up and deal with it, or be prepared to have anything in your own history you might be ashamed of laid bare in front of her.

Sorry my mind was going fast while typing up the first post... yes the 3some supposedly happened when were together... doing the greatest we had infact. I just dont want to lose something that is wonderful, if it is not true... and she is to pround to fess up if it is... so now I got all this swirling around my mind, and it hard to just let go... but I think that is what I really need to do.

Adams

 

[BingeAndPurge]

My experience has led me to believe that oh, 75% of military relationships involve cheating. I also think that you should ask yourself if the 3some rumor is true, how does it change things? If you will leave then leave anyway because you will always believe it to be true. If not, who cares. No sense beating yourself over a no-win situation. If you ask, which you have, and she denies it, which she did, you won't believe her and she'll be mad at you for asking if she's a slut. If you ask and she says yes, then you're mad at her for telling the truth and for cheating on you. It hurts either way. Amores Peros.

 

[DAdams91982]

My experience has led me to believe that oh, 75% of military relationships involve cheating. I also think that you should ask yourself if the 3some rumor is true, how does it change things? If you will leave then leave anyway because you will always believe it to be true. If not, who cares. No sense beating yourself over a no-win situation. If you ask, which you have, and she denies it, which she did, you won't believe her and she'll be mad at you for asking if she's a slut. If you ask and she says yes, then you're mad at her for telling the truth and for cheating on you. It hurts either way. Amores Peros.

Yes I do believe it is true. If she told me yes... this would be so much easier though. But the problem is that it lies in the fact that I dont know how to live without her... I have become accustomed to being with her... was planned for the rest of my life. I had lost contact with almost all my friends, cause I was focusing everything I had into our relationship... see what I could do to make things better. And you are completely correct... it is going to hurt either way.

Adams

 

[SJA]

Yes I do believe it is true. If she told me yes... this would be so much easier though. But the problem is that it lies in the fact that I dont know how to live without her... I have become accustomed to being with her... was planned for the rest of my life. I had lost contact with almost all my friends, cause I was focusing everything I had into our relationship... see what I could do to make things better. And you are completely correct... it is going to hurt either way.

Adams

You ALWAYS can live without someone. I've lived through two divorces and many deaths. It hurts....but you heal and eventually you will be stronger from it (kind of like leg day....only longer). What is really bothering you? The fact that she cheated or the fact that you can't trust her? Answer that and you will find your path. I agree that you need to face this now and choose a path or it will eat you alive.

 

[natedogg]

Your situation pisses me off just reading about it. What makes you think she wouldn't do this bullshit again? Then she wanted to "take a break" and ends up getting involved with someone else. She had probably hooked up with this guy before your so called break. Who knows. The question is, can she be trusted. From man to man, I would end it, but only you can make the final decision. I feel for ya bro. Good luck.

 

[CDB]

From man to man, I would end it, but only you can make the final decision. I feel for ya bro. Good luck.

I'm with you and BV. You can always live without someone, it's just hard to see the option sometimes. Trust is the issue in the end. Someone can do something you disapprove of and, depending on the severity/seriousness of it, you can still trust them as long as they're honest. Some people maintain open relationships and screw whoever they want even though they're 'committed' to one person. That would never work for me but it's an option. And it's a good and valid point that usually people don't do something like this just once.

I'll tell you I ended my last relationship pretty suddenly, and for a while I felt like mega **** without her in my life. She was someone I'd known and been close with for a long time before we ever started getting intimate. But, the pain passes and in the end I'm better for getting out of it.

 

[revodrew]

First off, I am sorry to read this. Now, alot of people here were in the military and know that 80% or so end before EAS. If I were in your shoes, tell the girl that you have spoken to the guy and he told you details. My question is, the other girl would have most likely told you nothing happened it it didnt, right?! She sounded like she just didnt want to get involved because she considered it a mistake or just doesnt want to start any more ****. Tell your girl that if she tells you the truth you can move on. Dont tell her it may be without her though. You will never get the truth if she knws your headed down the yellow bric road. When she moves to where you are, are you going to be going on any more deployments? If so, can you trust her for say 12 months without you around. The last thing you need on your mind while in a combat zone is " is sally cheating on me"! Your head needs to be straight while over there to say the least. You seem like a good guy(only know you from here), women do appreciate guys like us, you just have to find them. Girls in the military or military towns get used to bieng Queen Bitch who can do whatever they want. Take a stand and deal with the cards you are dealt. This it your time to end it for the reason of the 3some, if you wait a couple of months and ecide that you cant deal with it, then you become the dick and she escapes the wrath of bieng the whore. A divorce will screw up credit plus some, a break up will only put you back on the prowl. Do what you feel in your big head, not with your little one. There are very nice women out there who appreciate the simple things in life. Good Luck

 

[tribal 1]

Adams, about 5 mon. ago I found these disturbing e-mails between my wife of 5 years and one of her coworkers,details of the emails were a relationship forming(more than friendly)I confronted my wife about it and she said I was reading to far into it. However,the truth has never surfaced and I deal with it every day. One of these days as always the truth will prevale and and then I will react accordingly. I guess my point is if your love for this girl is as stronge as you say then give the situation time to mature and when the truth comes then it will give the strength to make a accurate desicion on the rest of your life with or without her.

The best of luck in your time of uncertaindy.......

 

[Pfunk47]

If the guy fessed up with detials and the girl "didnt' want to be involved" then it happened plain and simple. Once a cheater always a cheater - Alcohol is always the excuse - I was drunk blah blah blah - she had a relationship in your off time that continued when you guys got back together, that should say enough right there and the 3some just seals the deal for me. IMO her love for you is obviously not as strong as yours. of course no one here knows exact details but from the evidence presented above but you cant' marry a women who cheats on you plain and simple. Having your heart broken is one of the worst feelings but you didnt' do this - she did, IMO cut your losses and move on - why would you want someone who would even think about doing that to you - you know the truth - you just have to accept it - sorry bro these situations are one of the hardest things do deal with. good luck

 

[RipdnTxs2]

It sound to me like there is only one person in this relationship that is really in love, when that is the case that person ends up loosing friends, and taking way more **** than they should from the other person, love is a very dangerous emotion, with the exception of loving your kids, would u have done these things to her, probably not because u REALLY love her, as hard as it is look at your situation with your head and not your heart and u will find your answer. good luck.........

 

[refrieddreams]

Bro, ask the dude who claims to have been with her some details only he would know. A tattoo...pubic hair color...ummm you know her I don't but I am sure you understand what I am saying.

That sucks man, you need to find out, and untill then don't be so "sappy" around her. This is your future life, and if she is playing you that sucks and it will always haunt you.

Besides if she does something VERY wrong while drunk, perhaps she should stop partaking of adult beverages...what is going to happen next?

 

[toughchick401]

Matters of the heart suck, plain and simple....

I let someone go that I loved because I had no trust for him, things in the past that were done to me, crappy things, and I had to open my eyes, also having my health issues could not support someone and needed to find someone who would support me emotionally, and I have that now..thank god...

Do i regret hurting the ex, yes, but if you dont have trust you have nothing at all. So you may love her, but do you trust her?

Good luck, and i hope your heart heals fast...

 

[DAdams91982]

Thanks all, and great to have a female perspective in this all. All I am going to do now is lay off for a good long time. I'm backing off everything, and going to get my life strait... do things that make me happy for the time being. Maybe down the road if she can grow up a bit, maybe then. But for now, Im Training hard, Eating right, burying myself in work, and do some traveling while Im here in germany.

Each and everyone of you has given me great insight to both sides of the coin. Do I love her? Yes.... Do I trust her? Well I did, but not so much anymore. Its probably going to come down to what is the best and worst thing that can happen if I do or do not get back with her.

Until then, I'm making myself happy (And yes some should leave the room for this one :icon_lol: ).

Adams

 

[meowmeow]

No my friend it is over. Your mind knows it is over but your heart refuses to stop loving the girl you use to know.

 

[DAdams91982]

No my friend it is over. Your mind knows it is over but your heart refuses to stop loving the girl you use to know.

And I do know that... I was trying to imply many years down the road. But Im sure by then... I'll have me a great new woman. And your WHOLE statement is completely true.

Adams

 

[meowmeow]

And I do know that... I was trying to imply many years down the road. But Im sure by then... I'll have me a great new woman. And your WHOLE statement is completely true.

Adams

When I was about your age I had something similar happen to me only we had been together for 4 years. The mind knows very quickly that it is over but the heart is stronger at first and it doesn't want to let go. You need to kill what the heart still feels and the best way to do that is to start dating other women. They don't need to be perfect they just need to be female. Just go out and enjoy some female company and stay away from your old girlfriend. You'll soon be a better man for it.

 

[refrieddreams]

Hang in there man, be strong. Go do something for you.

 

[toughchick401]

Hang in there man, be strong. Go do something for you.

good advice,do something for you and enjoy!

 

[DAdams91982]

Thanks everyone. Kept my mind off things pretty well lately. Going to the gym, and hanging out with friends (Something I havent done in a while). Thanks for everyones advice, and good wishes. Believe it or not, **** really helps.

Adams