NorseManUK
- Awards
- 0
Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
A: 45 lbs.
Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
A: 45 minutes.
Q: What is it when a man talks nasty to a woman?
A: Sexual harassment.
Q: What is it when a woman talks nasty to a man?
A: $3.99 a minute.
Q: How can you tell if your wife is dead?
A: The sex is the same but the dishes pile up.
Q: How can you tell if your husband is dead?
A: The sex is the same but you get the remote.
Q: What's the difference between Pee-wee Herman and O.J.?
A: It took 12 jerks to get O.J. off.
Q: Why did cavemen pull their women around by the hair?
A: Because if they pulled them around by their feet,they'd fill up with
mud.
Q: If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?
A: The swallow.
Q: What's a blonde's favorite nursery rhyme?
A: Humpme Dumpme.
Q: What's the difference between a paycheck and your dick?
A: You don't have to beg a woman to blow your paycheck.
Q: What's it called when a woman is paralyzed from the waist down?
A: Marriage.
Q: What are the small bumps around a woman's nipples for?
A: It's Braille for "suck here."
Q: If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag you, what have
you done wrong?
A: Made her chain too long.
Q: How many women does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, they just sit there in the dark and bitch.
Q: Why is a hurricane like marriage?
A: It starts with a great blow, but when it's over your house and car
are gone.
Q. What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
A. Through his chest with a sharp knife.
Q. Why are men and parking spaces alike?
A. Because all the good ones are gone and the only ones left are
disabled.
Q. Why are men like public toilets?
A. Because all the good ones are engaged and the only ones left are full
of crap.
Q. What have men and floor tiles got in common?
A. If you lay them properly the first time, you can walk all over them
for life.
Q. How can you tell if a man is happy?
A. Who cares?
Q. What is the difference between a man and a catfish?
A. One is a bottom-feeding scum-sucker and the other is a fish.
Q. Why do men want to marry virgins?
A. They can't stand criticism.
Q. What are two reasons why men don't mind their own business?
A. 1. No mind. 2. No business.
Q. Did you hear about the banker who's a great lover?
A. He knows firsthand the penalty for early withdrawal.
Q. Why are men like laxatives?
A. They irritate the **** out of you.
Q. Why do men name their penises?
A. Because they want to be on a first-name basis with the person who
makes all their decisions.
Q. Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring,
and good-looking?
A. Because those men already have boyfriends.
Q. Why do men like masturbation?
A. Its sex with someone they love.
Q. What's the difference between a porcupine and a BMW?
A. The porcupine has pricks on the outside.
Q. What is a man's view of safe sex?
A. A padded headboard.
Q. How do men sort their laundry?
A. "Filthy" and "Filthy but Wearable".
Q. Why did God create man?
A. Because a vibrator can't mow the lawn.
Q. Why were men given larger brains than dogs?
A. So they wouldn't hump women's legs at cocktail parties.
Q. Why do men love computers?
A. No matter what mood they're in, they can still get a floppy in.
Q. What's the difference between a woman and a computer?
A. A woman would never accept a 3 1/2 inch floppy!!..and a computer
can't turn a 3.5" floppy into a hard drive in a matter of seconds.
Doctor's visit
-------- Andy goes to the doctors and says, "Doctor, I've got this problem you see, only you've got to promise not to laugh."
The doctor replies,"Of course I won't laugh Andy, that would be thoroughly unprofessional.
In over twenty years of being a doctor, I've never laughed at a patient."
"OK then," says Andy, and he drops his trousers. The doctor is greeted by the sight of the tiniest penis he has ever seen in his life.
Unable to control himself, he falls about laughing on the floor.
Ten minutes later he is able to struggle up to his feet and wipe the tears from his eyes.
Now what seems to be the problem? "
Andy looks up at the doctor sadly and says, "It's Swollen."
Subject: Male Bashing
Q. What should you do if you see your ex-husband rolling around in pain on
the ground?
A. Shoot him again.
Q. How can you tell when a man is well-hung?
A. When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the
noose.
Q. What do you call the useless piece of skin on the end of a man's penis?
A. His body.
Q. Why do little boys whine?
A. Because they're practicing to be men.
Q. How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. One -he just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around
him.
Q. How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. Three -one to screw in the bulb, and two to listen to him brag about the
screwing part.
Q. What do you call a handcuffed man?
A. Trustworthy.
Q. What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and
calling your name?
A. You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.
Q. Why do doctors slap babies butts right after they're born?
A. To knock the penises off the smart ones.
Q. Why do men name their penises?
A. Because they don't like the idea of having a stranger make 90% of their
decisions.
Q. Why does it take 100,000,000 sperm to fertilize one egg?
A. Because not one will stop and ask directions.
Q. Why do female black widow spiders kill their males after mating?
A. To stop the snoring before it starts.
Q: What's the best way to kill a man?
A: Put a naked woman and a six-pack in front of him. Then tell him to pick
only one.
Q: What do men and pantyhose have in common?
A: They either cling, run or don't fit right in the crotch!
Q: Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet?
A: Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
Q: what is the difference between men and women...
A: A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man wants every woman
to satisfy his one need.
Q: How does a man keep his youth?
A: By giving her money, furs and diamonds.
Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder to "instruction manuals"
Okay they aren't very nice to women but they are funny
HOW MANY MALE CHAUVINISTS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHT BULB?
None. Let the bitch do the dishes in the dark.
None. Let the bitch do it after she's done the dishes.
WHAT IS LOVE?
The delusion that one woman differs from another.
WHY ARE CYCLONES AND TORNADOES USUALLY NAMED AFTER WOMEN?
Because they don't come very often but when they do come, they make a hell
of a noise and
when they go, they take half your house with them.
OR
Because what starts off as a small blow ends up taking half your house.
WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN YOUR WIFE & YOUR JOB?
After 5 years your job still sucks.
WHY DID GOD CREATE LESBIANS?
So feminists couldn't breed.
WHY DO WOMEN RUB THEIR EYES WHEN THEY GET UP IN THE MORNING?
Because: they don't have bollocks to scratch .
WHY DO WOMEN WEAR MAKE UP & PERFUME?
Because they're ugly and they smell.
WHY DO MEN FART MORE THAN WOMEN?
Because women won't shut up long enough to build up pressure.
WHAT'S THE DIFFENCE BETWEEN YOUR BONUS AND YOUR DICK?
You don't have to beg a woman to blow your bonus.
WHY IS A WOMAN LIKE A LAXATIVE?
They both irritate the shite out of you..
WHAT'S WORSE THAN A MALE CHAUVINIST PIG?
A bitch who won't do as she's told.
WHY ARE WIVES LIKE CONDOMS?
They both spend too much time in your wallet, and not enough time on the end
of your dick.
HOW CAN YOU TELL IF YOUR WIFE HAS DIED?
Sex is still the same but the dishes keep piling up in your sink.
WHAT IS IT CALLED WHEN A WOMAN IS PARALYSED FROM THE WAIST DOWN?
Marriage.
WHY DO MEN DIE BEFORE THEIR WIVES?
They want to.
WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A WOMAN WITH PMS & A ROTTWEILER?
Lipstick.
HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO FIX A VACUUM CLEANER?
Why the **** should we fix it, we don't use the damn thing.
WHY ARE WOMEN LIKE SCREEN DOORS?
Once they get banged a few times, they loosen up.
HOW ARE WOMEN LIKE PARKING SPACES?
The best ones are taken & the rest are handicapped.
WHY DO WOMEN HAVE TITS?
So men will talk to them
WHY DO WOMEN CLOSE THEIR EYES DURING SEX?
They can't stand to see a man having a good time.
WHAT'S SIX INCHES LONG, TWO INCHES WIDE & DRIVES WOMEN WILD?
A two hundred dollar note
WHY DID THE WOMAN CROSS THE ROAD?
Who cares, and what the **** was she doing out of the kitchen anyway.
WHY DID THE WOMAN CROSS THE ROAD? Because he told her too.
WHY DID THE WOMAN WITH THE BLACK EYE CROSS THE ROAD?
Because he had to tell her twice.
There is a Space Shuttle mission to the moon with 2 monkeys and a woman on board.
The headquarters in the US calls:
" Monkey number 1, Monkey number 1 to the television screen." The monkey sits down and is told to release the pressure in compartment 1, increase the e temperature of engine 4 and to release oxygen to the reactors. So the monkey does the pressure, temperature, and releases the oxygen.
A few moments later headquarters calls again:
"Monkey number 2, monkey number 2 to the television screen." This monkey sits down and he is told to add Carbon Dioxide to room 4, to stop the fuel injection to engine 3, to add nitrogen to the fuel compartment and to analyse the solar radiation. So the monkey does the carbon dioxide, the fuel injection, the nitrogen and the analysis of solar radiation.
A little later on, headquarters calls again: "Woman, please. Woman approach the screen." She sits down and just as she is about to be told what to do she says.....
"I know, I know!! Feed the monkeys, and don't f*ck!ng touch anything."
------------------------------------------
Two nuns, Sister Marilyn and Sister Helen, are traveling through Europe
in their car. They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic
light.
Suddenly, out of nowhere, a diminutive Dracula jumps onto the hood of
the car and hisses through the windshield.
"Quick, quick!" shouts Sister Marilyn. "What shall we do?"
"Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the abomination,"
says Sister Helen.
Sister Marilyn switches them on, knocking Dracula about, but he clingson
and continues hissing at the nuns. "What shall I do now?" she shouts.
"Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it up with Holy Water in the
Vatican," says Sister Helen.
Sister Marilyn turns on the windshield washer. Dracula screams as the
water burns his skin, but he clings on and continues hissing at the
nuns.
"Now what?" shouts Sister Marilyn.
"Show him your cross," says Sister Helen.
"Now you're talking," says Sister Marilyn as she opens the window and
shouts, "Get the **** off our car!"
A: 45 lbs.
Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
A: 45 minutes.
Q: What is it when a man talks nasty to a woman?
A: Sexual harassment.
Q: What is it when a woman talks nasty to a man?
A: $3.99 a minute.
Q: How can you tell if your wife is dead?
A: The sex is the same but the dishes pile up.
Q: How can you tell if your husband is dead?
A: The sex is the same but you get the remote.
Q: What's the difference between Pee-wee Herman and O.J.?
A: It took 12 jerks to get O.J. off.
Q: Why did cavemen pull their women around by the hair?
A: Because if they pulled them around by their feet,they'd fill up with
mud.
Q: If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?
A: The swallow.
Q: What's a blonde's favorite nursery rhyme?
A: Humpme Dumpme.
Q: What's the difference between a paycheck and your dick?
A: You don't have to beg a woman to blow your paycheck.
Q: What's it called when a woman is paralyzed from the waist down?
A: Marriage.
Q: What are the small bumps around a woman's nipples for?
A: It's Braille for "suck here."
Q: If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag you, what have
you done wrong?
A: Made her chain too long.
Q: How many women does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, they just sit there in the dark and bitch.
Q: Why is a hurricane like marriage?
A: It starts with a great blow, but when it's over your house and car
are gone.
Q. What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
A. Through his chest with a sharp knife.
Q. Why are men and parking spaces alike?
A. Because all the good ones are gone and the only ones left are
disabled.
Q. Why are men like public toilets?
A. Because all the good ones are engaged and the only ones left are full
of crap.
Q. What have men and floor tiles got in common?
A. If you lay them properly the first time, you can walk all over them
for life.
Q. How can you tell if a man is happy?
A. Who cares?
Q. What is the difference between a man and a catfish?
A. One is a bottom-feeding scum-sucker and the other is a fish.
Q. Why do men want to marry virgins?
A. They can't stand criticism.
Q. What are two reasons why men don't mind their own business?
A. 1. No mind. 2. No business.
Q. Did you hear about the banker who's a great lover?
A. He knows firsthand the penalty for early withdrawal.
Q. Why are men like laxatives?
A. They irritate the **** out of you.
Q. Why do men name their penises?
A. Because they want to be on a first-name basis with the person who
makes all their decisions.
Q. Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring,
and good-looking?
A. Because those men already have boyfriends.
Q. Why do men like masturbation?
A. Its sex with someone they love.
Q. What's the difference between a porcupine and a BMW?
A. The porcupine has pricks on the outside.
Q. What is a man's view of safe sex?
A. A padded headboard.
Q. How do men sort their laundry?
A. "Filthy" and "Filthy but Wearable".
Q. Why did God create man?
A. Because a vibrator can't mow the lawn.
Q. Why were men given larger brains than dogs?
A. So they wouldn't hump women's legs at cocktail parties.
Q. Why do men love computers?
A. No matter what mood they're in, they can still get a floppy in.
Q. What's the difference between a woman and a computer?
A. A woman would never accept a 3 1/2 inch floppy!!..and a computer
can't turn a 3.5" floppy into a hard drive in a matter of seconds.
Doctor's visit
-------- Andy goes to the doctors and says, "Doctor, I've got this problem you see, only you've got to promise not to laugh."
The doctor replies,"Of course I won't laugh Andy, that would be thoroughly unprofessional.
In over twenty years of being a doctor, I've never laughed at a patient."
"OK then," says Andy, and he drops his trousers. The doctor is greeted by the sight of the tiniest penis he has ever seen in his life.
Unable to control himself, he falls about laughing on the floor.
Ten minutes later he is able to struggle up to his feet and wipe the tears from his eyes.
Now what seems to be the problem? "
Andy looks up at the doctor sadly and says, "It's Swollen."
Subject: Male Bashing
Q. What should you do if you see your ex-husband rolling around in pain on
the ground?
A. Shoot him again.
Q. How can you tell when a man is well-hung?
A. When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the
noose.
Q. What do you call the useless piece of skin on the end of a man's penis?
A. His body.
Q. Why do little boys whine?
A. Because they're practicing to be men.
Q. How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. One -he just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around
him.
Q. How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. Three -one to screw in the bulb, and two to listen to him brag about the
screwing part.
Q. What do you call a handcuffed man?
A. Trustworthy.
Q. What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and
calling your name?
A. You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.
Q. Why do doctors slap babies butts right after they're born?
A. To knock the penises off the smart ones.
Q. Why do men name their penises?
A. Because they don't like the idea of having a stranger make 90% of their
decisions.
Q. Why does it take 100,000,000 sperm to fertilize one egg?
A. Because not one will stop and ask directions.
Q. Why do female black widow spiders kill their males after mating?
A. To stop the snoring before it starts.
Q: What's the best way to kill a man?
A: Put a naked woman and a six-pack in front of him. Then tell him to pick
only one.
Q: What do men and pantyhose have in common?
A: They either cling, run or don't fit right in the crotch!
Q: Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet?
A: Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
Q: what is the difference between men and women...
A: A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man wants every woman
to satisfy his one need.
Q: How does a man keep his youth?
A: By giving her money, furs and diamonds.
Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder to "instruction manuals"
Okay they aren't very nice to women but they are funny
HOW MANY MALE CHAUVINISTS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHT BULB?
None. Let the bitch do the dishes in the dark.
None. Let the bitch do it after she's done the dishes.
WHAT IS LOVE?
The delusion that one woman differs from another.
WHY ARE CYCLONES AND TORNADOES USUALLY NAMED AFTER WOMEN?
Because they don't come very often but when they do come, they make a hell
of a noise and
when they go, they take half your house with them.
OR
Because what starts off as a small blow ends up taking half your house.
WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN YOUR WIFE & YOUR JOB?
After 5 years your job still sucks.
WHY DID GOD CREATE LESBIANS?
So feminists couldn't breed.
WHY DO WOMEN RUB THEIR EYES WHEN THEY GET UP IN THE MORNING?
Because: they don't have bollocks to scratch .
WHY DO WOMEN WEAR MAKE UP & PERFUME?
Because they're ugly and they smell.
WHY DO MEN FART MORE THAN WOMEN?
Because women won't shut up long enough to build up pressure.
WHAT'S THE DIFFENCE BETWEEN YOUR BONUS AND YOUR DICK?
You don't have to beg a woman to blow your bonus.
WHY IS A WOMAN LIKE A LAXATIVE?
They both irritate the shite out of you..
WHAT'S WORSE THAN A MALE CHAUVINIST PIG?
A bitch who won't do as she's told.
WHY ARE WIVES LIKE CONDOMS?
They both spend too much time in your wallet, and not enough time on the end
of your dick.
HOW CAN YOU TELL IF YOUR WIFE HAS DIED?
Sex is still the same but the dishes keep piling up in your sink.
WHAT IS IT CALLED WHEN A WOMAN IS PARALYSED FROM THE WAIST DOWN?
Marriage.
WHY DO MEN DIE BEFORE THEIR WIVES?
They want to.
WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A WOMAN WITH PMS & A ROTTWEILER?
Lipstick.
HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO FIX A VACUUM CLEANER?
Why the **** should we fix it, we don't use the damn thing.
WHY ARE WOMEN LIKE SCREEN DOORS?
Once they get banged a few times, they loosen up.
HOW ARE WOMEN LIKE PARKING SPACES?
The best ones are taken & the rest are handicapped.
WHY DO WOMEN HAVE TITS?
So men will talk to them
WHY DO WOMEN CLOSE THEIR EYES DURING SEX?
They can't stand to see a man having a good time.
WHAT'S SIX INCHES LONG, TWO INCHES WIDE & DRIVES WOMEN WILD?
A two hundred dollar note
WHY DID THE WOMAN CROSS THE ROAD?
Who cares, and what the **** was she doing out of the kitchen anyway.
WHY DID THE WOMAN CROSS THE ROAD? Because he told her too.
WHY DID THE WOMAN WITH THE BLACK EYE CROSS THE ROAD?
Because he had to tell her twice.
There is a Space Shuttle mission to the moon with 2 monkeys and a woman on board.
The headquarters in the US calls:
" Monkey number 1, Monkey number 1 to the television screen." The monkey sits down and is told to release the pressure in compartment 1, increase the e temperature of engine 4 and to release oxygen to the reactors. So the monkey does the pressure, temperature, and releases the oxygen.
A few moments later headquarters calls again:
"Monkey number 2, monkey number 2 to the television screen." This monkey sits down and he is told to add Carbon Dioxide to room 4, to stop the fuel injection to engine 3, to add nitrogen to the fuel compartment and to analyse the solar radiation. So the monkey does the carbon dioxide, the fuel injection, the nitrogen and the analysis of solar radiation.
A little later on, headquarters calls again: "Woman, please. Woman approach the screen." She sits down and just as she is about to be told what to do she says.....
"I know, I know!! Feed the monkeys, and don't f*ck!ng touch anything."
------------------------------------------
Two nuns, Sister Marilyn and Sister Helen, are traveling through Europe
in their car. They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic
light.
Suddenly, out of nowhere, a diminutive Dracula jumps onto the hood of
the car and hisses through the windshield.
"Quick, quick!" shouts Sister Marilyn. "What shall we do?"
"Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the abomination,"
says Sister Helen.
Sister Marilyn switches them on, knocking Dracula about, but he clingson
and continues hissing at the nuns. "What shall I do now?" she shouts.
"Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it up with Holy Water in the
Vatican," says Sister Helen.
Sister Marilyn turns on the windshield washer. Dracula screams as the
water burns his skin, but he clings on and continues hissing at the
nuns.
"Now what?" shouts Sister Marilyn.
"Show him your cross," says Sister Helen.
"Now you're talking," says Sister Marilyn as she opens the window and
shouts, "Get the **** off our car!"
