Cuffs' Road To Recovery...Let The Healing Begin!

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    Quote Originally Posted by Cuffs
    I'm really at the point now that I don't want her back, and am looking forward to moving on with my life.
    The final step is acceptance... sounds as if you are well on your way!


    Denial->Anger->Bargaining->Guilt->Depression = Acceptance.... not always in that order and not always neccesary to move through each phase!

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    Quote Originally Posted by EEmain
    The final step is acceptance... sounds as if you are well on your way!


    Denial->Anger->Bargaining->Guilt->Depression = Acceptance.... not always in that order and not always neccesary to move through each phase!
    Yep, I've been experiencing each of those stages. Anger not so much, but there is some. Actually, a little more-and-more each time I think about what she is doing I still feel a little flustered, but am accepting things much better now.
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    (((HUGZ)))) sounds like your going to be ok......keep strong..and good things come to those who wait..
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    Cuffs, I know you are busy dude these days, but check your damn PM's when you get a chance.
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    Quote Originally Posted by Cuffs
    Yep, I've been experiencing each of those stages. Anger not so much, but there is some. Actually, a little more-and-more each time I think about what she is doing I still feel a little flustered, but am accepting things much better now.
    Next step: stop reacting and take the lead on filing for divorce. If you are in a "no fault" state, it may not matter (too much) because joint assets will be spilt right down the middle (although the devil will be in the details). However, if you are in a state other than a "no fault," you need to file first thing Monday morning, regardless of whether she does or not, and take the initiative to set the agenda. If children are involved and she is currently the custodial parent, this makes it doubly important. Otherwise, you are going to continue to smolder because you've fallen into a passive role based on an unwillingness to accept a certain reality: when a wife or girlfriend leaves, takes off the ring, says "it's over," swears it's not because of anyone else but you eventually discover there is someone else, then it's time to take the legal initiative because you are already playing catch-up with everything else!

    This is especially urgent when you eventually discover that most-probably the soon-to-be ex has been involved in fairly long term planning, effort, and deceit to break away from you so she can be with the next "love of HER life." All the details may never come out, but understand this - by the time she verbally revealed her so-called unhappiness with you all's life as a couple, she was at least two steps ahead of you with regard to what she was planning to do, who she was planning to do it with, and with regard to having already gotten outside, and possibly professional, legal and personal advice that would keep you in the dark. This is the real reason she never wanted to attend counseling - she was afraid that a good counselor would have either gotten her to admit these things before she was ready to do so or at the very least, the counselor's bull**** detector would have been blinking and blaring, and the counselor would have shared her concerns and impressions with you! Just remember the text message to someone else you inadvertently intercepted, and act accordingly.
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    Thanks Cardinal. Yeah, I'm in a no-fault state so assets get split down the middle. She's freaking over money made on the sale of a house she had, that we lived in, and later while we were married, that we sold. We put some of the money made from that sale as a down on our new home. She wants 100% of the money we used as the down payment, and I told her it needs to be split 50/50. She's all freaked and pissed, saying I have no rights to that money. Well, I already spoke to a couple of attorneys I know, and they told me she can pound sand all she wants, that it's a 50/50 split in this state without a contract.

    I am soooo lucky there is not a child involved. Just my son from my previous marriage, who I have custody of. He's taking thi swell, and his mother is supposed to be moving back to the area to take a mo positive role inhis life. That will help me out a great deal.
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    Quote Originally Posted by DmitryWI
    Cuffs, I know you are busy dude these days, but check your damn PM's when you get a chance.
    LOL...will do, dude. And...GO VIKINGS!
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    Okay...I need to do something here I think. I'm having a blast with this girl I've been seeing for the past week or so. We are so compatible and comfortable with each other, it's not funny. We spent last night at a house she is watching for a friend. After we finished up with some great sex, we were laying there kissing and feeling each other's bodies. She looked straight into my eyes and said "it could be so easy to fall in love with you." Although that made me feel good, it also brought up the radar warning. I absolutely do not want to hurt this girl. We set ground rules before we started this, but I know how emotions can change. I don't want to just cut this girl off, but I don't want there to be any mixed emotions or problems between us down the road. I guess I'll have to sit down and talk to her tonight and just be straight with her, which I have been all along.
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    Quote Originally Posted by Cuffs
    Okay...I need to do something here I think. I'm having a blast with this girl I've been seeing for the past week or so. We are so compatible and comfortable with each other, it's not funny. We spent last night at a house she is watching for a friend. After we finished up with some great sex, we were laying there kissing and feeling each other's bodies. She looked straight into my eyes and said "it could be so easy to fall in love with you." Although that made me feel good, it also brought up the radar warning. I absolutely do not want to hurt this girl. We set ground rules before we started this, but I know how emotions can change. I don't want to just cut this girl off, but I don't want there to be any mixed emotions or problems between us down the road. I guess I'll have to sit down and talk to her tonight and just be straight with her, which I have been all along.
    Although we say we wont get attached.....sex is different for most girls, (unless your lose)we tend to develope emotions for the guy...it happens..and before i offend anyone..yes it happens to guys to ( feelings)...good your going to talk to her....

    (((HUGZ))))
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    Well, things are very cool with the girl I'm seeing. She is just too amazing of a find. I know I don't really "know" her yet, but what I do know of her, is very good.

    Now, my soon-2b-ex keeps calling me. 5-10 times a day. I have told her repeatedly to stop calling, but do so if there is an emergency or something very important. She calls me the other day because she found the economy size box of condoms I planted for her to find. She freaked out and asked who I was ****ing. I told her and she wanted to know all the details, if she was better than her, if we talked dirty, the positions, etc. I asked her why she wanted to know all this and she said it was turing her on. She said she was starting to masterbate and wanted to hear it. I'm sorry but... She then changed her tune and said I was dirty now because my dick has been in another girl. I just told her I'm sure she and her new boyfriend were doing their thing and I wasn't questioning, nor did I care.

    She then tells me she was having second thoughts and didn't know if she wanted to stay away or come back, that she has been making comparisons between me and the other. Guess she's seeing the grass isn't greener on the other side. I told her she needs to make up her mind so we could both take a step back and see if it even worth working out. I told her at this point, I'm not sure if I want to try, but I would talk about it. Later the next day she tells me she doesn't want it to work between us, and she is going through with the divorce. I told her that was fine.

    Well, later that day she calls me 10 more times. I would not answer. Then she text messages me while I'm at the house with the girl I'm seeing. It said to call her because it was important. So, I call and she basically tells me it was for the break down of the assets. Telling me we will be getting around $43,000 each after the sale of the house and paying everything off. She then asked where I was and why I didn't end up going home. I told her I was with some friends and needed to end this conversation because I was needing to have some fun, and to stop calling with things like this. She then began trying to pry asking if my "girlfriend" was there. So, I told her she was. She then made the comment "well, I hope you and your **** buddy have fun" and other ones. I then hung up.

    It's obvious that my not answering her calls, me having fun and not coming home, and seeing someone is really bothering her. At least now she is open to spliting everything 50/50. Guess the attorney she talked to set her straight.
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    Quote Originally Posted by Cuffs
    Well, things are very cool with the girl I'm seeing. She is just too amazing of a find. I know I don't really "know" her yet, but what I do know of her, is very good.
    It's kinda neat when you set aside preconceptions, go with the flow, and someone surprises you in ways you never woulda guessed, huh? Anyhoo, continue to enjoy life on your own terms, and I think you'll be fine. I said earlier that I thought you seemed like a decent guy, and IMHO, you continue to reinforce this by the way that you're dealing with the soon-to-be-ex. Best thing you can do for her at this point is to wish her well, just nod while not believing anything that she says, and to tell her "I don't know what you're looking for, but I've decided I don't want to be there when you find it." [Approximate quote from a character in a James Lee Burke novel].
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    Quote Originally Posted by the Cardinal
    "I don't know what you're looking for, but I've decided I don't want to be there when you find it." [Approximate quote from a character in a James Lee Burke novel].
    that's pimp
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    Quote Originally Posted by Cuffs
    Well, things are very cool with the girl I'm seeing. She is just too amazing of a find. I know I don't really "know" her yet, but what I do know of her, is very good....
    This is good to heard

    And...dude...that soon-to-be-ex-wife of yours is whacko
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    Quote Originally Posted by kwyckemynd00
    This is good to heard
    Brand 'em and get bells around their necks and their yours for keeps...
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    Quote Originally Posted by kwyckemynd00
    This is good to heard

    And...dude...that soon-to-be-ex-wife of yours is whacko
    yeah, this is good to 'heard'. WTF cali-boy? can't spell on the west coast?
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    [QUOTE=B5150][QUOTE=kwyckemynd00]This is good to heard
    Brand 'em and get bells around their necks and their yours for keeps
    damn, you beat me to it. now, mine just isn't as cool.
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    Quote Originally Posted by Cuffs
    Well, things are very cool with the girl I'm seeing. She is just too amazing of a find. I know I don't really "know" her yet, but what I do know of her, is very good.

    Now, my soon-2b-ex keeps calling me. 5-10 times a day. I have told her repeatedly to stop calling, but do so if there is an emergency or something very important. She calls me the other day because she found the economy size box of condoms I planted for her to find. She freaked out and asked who I was ****ing. I told her and she wanted to know all the details, if she was better than her, if we talked dirty, the positions, etc. I asked her why she wanted to know all this and she said it was turing her on. She said she was starting to masterbate and wanted to hear it. I'm sorry but...
    ........
    The planted condoms is childishl but somewhat justified since from what you said earlier, she is trying to be difficult with the splitting up the assets. It definitely irritated your ex but at this juncture its kindof pointless.
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    Hey bro, so far things are panning out as you'd mostly expect.

    Be ready for a phone call in the middle of the night. It will be her with tearful pleading to get back together, etc. etc. Probably will happen in another 4 weeks from now as your ex's emotions oscillate more strongly.

    Good to see you aren't answering calls, seems to me that your life is on track. The sooner you get everything squared away the sooner you can initiate "no contact" or "contact only by email" and truly get on with things.

    Cheers,
    M.
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    Quote Originally Posted by Beelzebub
    yeah, this is good to 'heard'. WTF cali-boy? can't spell on the west coast?
    Nah...ainthca heared this thyngs?

    Are ejucashun sistim iz fayling in Cariafornia....
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    Well...the house sold to the first people who looked at it. They made a full price offer and now I have 30 days to find a place for my son and I to live. Dude, I thought I would have at least a couple of months to get everything going.

    My soon-2B-ex and I had it out about the money split. I told her I wasn't budging and if she wanted to fight it out with attorney's, then so-be-it. She cussed me out a few times and got all crazy. She later called and told me she decided to do the 50/50 split. I'll believe it when I see it.

    Going to the coast here in a couple of hours. Spent a crap load on a kick ass inn that has a fireplace and a spa on the private balcony. Time for some fun! I told the chick I'm taking that we could go to the restaurant on the pier, which is very nice. She told me all she wanted to do is stay in the room, use the spa, and "****" (<----her words) all night.
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    I don't see why splitting 50/50 is even an issue? W-T-F!?! It should be like 75/25 considering you were the bread winner, IMHO.

    Have fun at your "inn"
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    Glad to see you are doing better Cuffs.
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    The ex is really becoming psycho now. She is relentless in knowing who the chick is that I'm seeing. She thinks I've been taking her to the house and that I hide her when she shows up unexpectedly. She began calling her a rebound, which she does meet that category, but refuses to believe her own new relationship is a rebound. She has a different theory that the one who leaves a relationship for another, that is not considered a rebound. It's only for the person who is left and finds someone. Although her new dude is going through a divorce at the same time as well.

    Anyways, I'm really seeing the light with how she is, and I remember all the things that really pissed me off about her. I have no desire of working things out with her, as I have seen the light. Don't get me wrong, the good times we had were great, and I will always feel a form of love and care for her, but just not how I thought I did.
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    LOL...man...its comical how she acts just like a high school girl

    Glad you see the light...
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    Quote Originally Posted by kwyckemynd00
    LOL...man...its comical how she acts just like a high school girl

    Glad you see the light...
    Thanks kwyck...you dudes need to follow the thread in the Adult section. I'll post up the weekend probably tomorrow if I have time.
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    Quote Originally Posted by wranglergirl
    Although we say we wont get attached.....sex is different for most girls, (unless your lose)we tend to develope emotions for the guy...it happens..and before i offend anyone..yes it happens to guys to ( feelings)...good your going to talk to her....
    (((HUGZ))))
    Sadly, I'd vouch for it happening to guys, or at least me. I'm too much of a softy when it comes to "feelings" and such for my liking.

    Damnit! I swear my brain is hardwired like a female....er, a lesbian that is. Honestly, I don't know how you girls stay sane...
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    Quote Originally Posted by Sunder
    Sadly, I'd vouch for it happening to guys, or at least me. I'm too much of a softy when it comes to "feelings" and such for my liking.

    Damnit! I swear my brain is hardwired like a female....er, a lesbian that is. Honestly, I don't know how you girls stay sane...
    Ditto, it's called being in touch with your feminine side...LOL.
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    Quote Originally Posted by Cuffs
    Thanks kwyck...you dudes need to follow the thread in the Adult section. I'll post up the weekend probably tomorrow if I have time.

    With pics???
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    Quote Originally Posted by dito
    With pics???
    No...the ex took my digital camera and said she was keeping it.

    Get this, my ex called me last week and said she took a few photos and left them on my digital for me to see. They were of her tits. We talked a bit and she got pissed about something. She then said she was taking the pics and camera back. LOL...I just laughed.
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    Awe shucks! She needs some needs some anti depressants.
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    Quote Originally Posted by Cuffs
    No...the ex took my digital camera and said she was keeping it.

    Get this, my ex called me last week and said she took a few photos and left them on my digital for me to see. They were of her tits. We talked a bit and she got pissed about something. She then said she was taking the pics and camera back. LOL...I just laughed.
    Rock on, my friend. I hope that you continue to withhold the details of your personal life (for both selfish and practical reasons -the ex is a witch, and you shouldn't expose innocents to her venom). Not only will it drive her bat**** crazy, but it may prevent her from trying to sabotage your personal life by spreading lies. And once her "new" relationship goes kaput, she's bound to come back begging and pleading ( AND IT WILL Go "KAPUT" - her so-called new guy is most probably using her just to get his rocks off until his divorce is final - that's why she was capitulating back and forth for the few weeks before she finally left you - her instincts, rightfully so, were telling her she was making a mistake in thinking this other guy is gonna want her after his divorce, but I'm sure he said all the right things to reassure her and duh! - she fell for it.). When she does ask to get back together, RUN, do not walk to the nearest exit. Once betrayal of the magnitude she's pulled off has occurred, there is no way in hell you can ever trust her again. And once she's miserable, she will do her best to make you miserable.

    As for the nonsense about "rebound" relationship, why should it matter to her (and what a lame-ass thing to bring up!)? Rather than wishing you well, methinks she prefers to see you miserable and broken as opposed to happy and content without her in your life, so my advice is don't even engage her in debate anymore (which will make her act even crazier!). Just say "you're absolutely right, dear" over and over again to any comments she makes about your personal life, and I guarantee she'll be declared certifiably insane in less than a month. I believe you have earned the right to subtley rub her face in your new-found happiness - being "decent" shouldn't prevent you from occassionally tweaking her - especially when she persisently inquires about personal matters of which she is no longer entitled to know!

    BTW, if she equates "rebound" with being used, then in the words of that great philosopher Bill Withers: "Iiii wanna spread the news, that if it feels this good being used, you just keep on using me - until you use me up!"

    "Living well is the best revenge." - George Herbert
    Excelsior!
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    still here reading your updates cuffs, my heart goes out to you

    you may want to check out the book MAXIUM ACHIEVEMENT - Brian Tracy. It's about how to find out what you want in life and how to be happy doing it/getting there and how to think/handle relationships. I just read it and it's very helpful.

    Your ex-wife is having a very difficult time with this, don't let her words/actions fool you. I see sooooooooo many wholes in her story/logic it's ridiculous. I could slice and dice her verbally by just stating facts/points; but, DON'T. DO NOT think negative thoughts about her or yourself. Your thoughts become your words and your words become your actions and your actions become your life.

    Keep seeing the counselor, they know what they are doing.

    My advice would be to let it go. How to do this? realise it may take time to fully get over it but how fast you get over it is entirely up to you. You seem to have a really postive/good outlook on the whole situation and your life ahead so I have NO DOUBT that you will become an even better man through this process. I would also ask to sit her down and to talk. I would tell her I'm sorry for anything I've ever done to hurt her feelings and that I wished her the best, and to not worry about the things she's done (that is, if she does not willingly apologised for behaving so poorly) and that you are over it (even if its not true... if you keep telling yourslef you are over it and look to the future, eventually it will be true.. Law of Attention/Concentration). This is entirely SELFISH. This helps give you piece of mind knowing that you can put this all behind you and look to the future.

    I would cut off all contact with her except for things you are required to do (money/belongings etc) after this. She is a VERY NEGATIVE person/influence on you and you need to cut out 100% of the negativeity in your life.
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    Very true Bulk. Thanks for the advice. I have done most of what you said. I am over her. Of course, there's a part of me that cares for her. However, I am not thinking along the lines of getting back together at all. I have cut off all contact by me. She is the one who calls. I haven't directly called her for probably over 3 weeks. She continues to call almost daily, sometimes several times. I have just ignored a lot of the calls. Last night she called just to call. She did tell me she was filing the divorce papers today, then she just hung on the phone and there was no conversation. I have kept my conversations with her short and to the point, but nicely. When there is a short silence, like last night, I ask if there's anything else. If not, then I end the call.

    She is freaked that I am seeing someone. She was wanting me to stay on the backburner and wait to see if she was making a mistake or not. Well, I can't do that and have her do the same thing to me another few years down the road. I have really seen who she can be, and I don't like it. It took almost 8 years. I had seen the signs before, but just chose to ignore them.
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    Dont even look back at your soon to be ex...she is sadly a woman with some issues..and just to bad you had to fnd that out.....I truely hope that your new girlfriend will bring you much happiness, as you def deserve it....

    (((HUGZ))))
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    Thanks WG, your support really means a lot to me. This new girl really brings out the good in me. However, most relationships are this way in the beginning. That is why we decided to slow it down a bit. I still have a long road ahead, and she's very busy with work and the academy. She lives about 50 miles from me, but it's where I work. If all goes well, and my son's mother moves back to the area, I'll be able to get a place over there.
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    Quote Originally Posted by Cuffs
    She is freaked that I am seeing someone. She was wanting me to stay on the backburner and wait to see if she was making a mistake or not.
    I've watched my brother go through that **** for 5 years, and that idiot still hasn't picked up the hint. That **** drives me nutz.

    had seen the signs before, but just chose to ignore them.
    Amazing how clear things are in hind sight, right
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    Jun 2004
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    Maybe there is a good explaination right there! One thing is for sure, however, there sure are some loose screws....
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