what to do about this

[Cold]

I feel stupid posting this, but I don't know what else to do. I've been with my girlfriend now for over seven months. I love her, and she loves me. But there's a big problem. Her mother is very mean to her. From what I was told, her mother had a very unhappy, and abusive childhood. Now, it's almost as if she lets it out on her. Every little thing that goes wrong, or anything that her mother doesnt approve of, she lets it out on her. One time she got so pissed off at my girlfriend, that she told her to get the hell out of the house. Then while she was packing her stuff, her mother beat her within an inch of her life. I wish I can say that I'm exaggerating when I say that, but I'm not. My girlfriend has two other younger sisters. Neither one of them is treated the way she is treated. She is like the maid of that house. Her family will leave dishes in the sink for days, then chew her out for not cleaning them. Even though she works almost thirty hours a week, goes to school full time, runs in cross country, and is in band, she is left to do all the bullshit at home. Her sisters don't do jack **** in that house. There had been times when she had to stay up all night to get all her homework and stuff done because of the **** she had to do around the house. Her mom once said to her that if she ever turned her in for child abuse, then she would really beat the hell out of her. She even once said that she was an accident. She wont let me go and tell the cops, because she's afraid she'll be taken away. So I dont know what to do. I thought about approaching her mom and telling her to stop, but that will only make things worse. So, I really don't know what to do.

 

[ItriedtoripoffBobosonowIamgonehaveaniceday]

Sucks man...sometimes there are things you can't do.....telling the cops won't really make a difference unless you can get the mother on tape or better yet on video abusing your girl....If you talk to the mother she will just tell you to go **** yourself and then beat your girl for telling you. I hope you can get the old rag on video but whatever you do I wish you luck....sorry if I couldn't help.

 

[Cold]

I don't know if I can do that. My girlfriend doesnt wan't to turn her mom in. Why not I have no idea. I hope she can get through this until the day she can move out. Thanks for the input maniak. I appreciate it.

 

[ManBeast]

All you can do at this point is be there for her, and offer her a safe place to stay if she needs one.

ManBeast

 

[Cold]

That's what I've been doing ManBeast. In fact, it's been interefering with my workouts and my diet. But it doesnt seem like its enough. I hate to see her cry, then me not being able to do anything about it.

 

[Beelzebub]

bump for cuffs input.

 

[cable626]

dude let her move in with you, her parents don't want her, and she's YOUR girl, you don't want her to feel fucked up, EVER. **** like that will scar her for the rest of her life. u need to get her out of that house.

I don't know about your situation, but if my g/f's mother hit my g/f i would kick the **** out of her. YES she's a woman, but now she'll know what it's like to get an ass whoopin. same goes for her father.
don't just try to be there for her, take control of the situation.
sorry if i'm blunt, it's just how i am.

 

[BryanFury]

Ive been in a situation almost the same as that. Its very hard to approach from any direction. You can't go to the mother because she will deny it and things will just get worse. You cant force your girlfriend to make a decision (even if it is clearly for her benefit and well being) because she is probably scared to death and knows that her mother could make it worse.

Keep telling her you are there for her, and try to help her out of it. But, physical abuse is physical abuse. If she is in danger, get her out by all means. I second the idea on waiting for cuffs idea on the situation.

Best of luck to you.

 

[Cuffs]

These can be touchy situations. A childs love for their parents, and not wanting to see the "family" split up are large concerns for them. Law enforcement needs to get involved somehow. No, you don't need something on tape or video. Most states have a child protective service. Their job is to make sure the child is in a safe environment. Safe from abuse, have food, shelter, education. One can surly place an anonymous call the the child protective service, which would generate a mandatory follow-up to be conducted. Usually services such as these try to keep the families together, and work out their problems through counselling first. Unless there is an immediate danger present.

It sounds as if your girlfriend is of a juvenile age, being under the age of 18. This is where you need to be careful, with you being an adult. Laws are different from state-to-state though. If you get involved and are having a sexual relationship with her, then the mother may go after you. If your not, then she may forbid any contact with her, which she can do. If she's 18 or over, then she has nothing to go on.

What I would do is this:

1) Be there for her.

2) Look into, and have her attend some sort of counseling. After suffering this abuse, she is going to need this in the long run to be successful in her future relationships (husband/children/etc).

3) Document when the abuse takes place, why it occured (although there is never a valid "reason"), take photos of any injuries.

4) You be the anonymous caller.

5) If she or you belong to a church, go to the pastor (or whoever) and speak with them.

Look at it this way. What if a month from now her mother begins to beat her and your girlfriend dies as a result. You already said she beat her within an inch or her life the last time. You would have to live with the guilt of not going forward to try and put a stop to the abuse. You'll be on the witness stand testifying to the past abuse, and be asked over-and-over, why you didn't come forward to save her life. If your girlfriend leaves you for "interferring", then it wasn't meant to be, and you did what you did for her. Later in life she will understand and appreciate what you had done for her.

Just some food for thought. Best of luck with your situation.

 

[houseman]

Oh my god.

Everytime I read such stories I am reminded of why I could never, ever be a cop. I would fucking kill the motherfuckers who did these horrible horrible things to kids/children.

It's a tough, tough call. If it were my situtation... I'd do everything in my power to get her the hell out of there. EVERYTHING I could do. Love or not, I'd do whatever it took. No one should have to go through life like this.

"The right choice isn't always the popular one".

Follow your head and heart bro. Do that and you can't go wrong.

Good luck.

 

[Cold]

Cable-I would, but her mother wont let her move out. She's tried before, thats why she was beaten half to death. As for hitting her mother, I'd do it if she ever did it while I was around. But I don't get to see her(my gf) much. Usually I get to see her 2-3 times a week. Most of the time I see her(my gf) at work.

Bryan- Exactly. That is the exact situation I am in.

Cuffs- I appreciate the advice bro. They've already been through counseling, both her and her mother. She said that it's helped, but I dont know. I'm not sure if this is too serious, but the phsycologist said that my girlfriend may have a bipolar disorder. Her mom is on antidepressants, which she said also helped(not sure how much though).So far, it's been awhile since she's been severly beaten, but if it happens again....I'm taking your advice and turning her in. Thanks again bro, I really appreciate it. Anyways, I thought I'd throw in that neither of us had a very happy childhood. Mine was more socially than abusive. So we have made the decision not to have children.

Houseman- I'm trying man. We are both saving up, so we can both move into an apartment. But she's stuck in that house for one more year.

Thanks again guys for all the advice. This board is great!

 

[Cuffs]

Well, the possible bipolar with your g/f, and her mother being on anitdepressants sounds like situations I run into a lot. I was going to ask about these areas earlier, but didn't want to get to offend anyone. It's a fine line at times. However, sometimes phsycs are quick to label a person with a disorder. Push the continuance of therapy, and maybe even get a second opinion for her.

Best of luck with you and your g/f.

 

[Cold]

Well, the possible bipolar with your g/f, and her mother being on anitdepressants sounds like situations I run into a lot. I was going to ask about these areas earlier, but didn't want to get to offend anyone. It's a fine line at times. However, sometimes phsycs are quick to label a person with a disorder. Push the continuance of therapy, and maybe even get a second opinion for her.

Best of luck with you and your g/f.

Thanks bro, I appreciate it.

 

[AlexParty]

Get your girlfriend to move in with you. Once she does you go over and give the mom some philosophy/psychology talk about making her daughters lives miserable. Tell her they live one life and as a role model, someone who she brought into this world, she's abusing them? Is that what they get for coming into this world? Where's a mothers love? Tell her when thier kids get older they wont want anything to do with her. I'm getting upset even typing about this. Wish it were a guy, I'd personally come down there and give him a round house to the face BANG and leave the rest to your imagination.

Although talking to her MIGHT not help, still give it a try. Maybe she needs to hear this from someone else. But back to what maiack said. Get the bitch on video and send it to the cops. A shitty thing to do but it's either that or constant abuse to her innocent children. ~ALEX OUT~

 

[Neuromancer]

This may sound bad, but has she ever tried standing up to her. Fighting back is sometimes the best thing she could do. My wife had similar problems when she was young, once she got old enough (somewhere in the teens) she stood up for herself and damn near knocked her mom out. Her mom still continued to be an asshole, as she still is...but she never touched my wife again...

 

[CDB]

Cuffs, Cable and Neuromancer have th ebest options. For the honest route, and probably the best, I'd go with Cuffs. The route I'd be inclined to take is Cable's. Some people do not give a **** about anything except themselves. Sometimes the only way to get someone to stop hurting someone else is to hurt them worse, and let them know more is coming.

Personally I've had to deal with similar situations a couple of times. Calling the cops was, in the end, the best option. Like Cuffs said, arm yourself with some kind of proof, like photos of your girl after a beating. Take her right to the hospital and get her to report an assault if you have to.

I'd be lying though if I said there was no satisfaction in hurting someone like your girl's mom. I'd also be lying if I said the results of handling it that way didn't turn up the same or better as calling the cops. Cops usually can't stop a crime, they only show up afterward and collect the evidence and try to catch who did it and pass them on so they're punished. That's not the fault of the cops, they can't be psychically aware of every crime that's going to be commited. It is their major limitation though. Personally, I believe in preemptive strikes on all levels if they're called for. A baseball bat and a bad attitude solve a lot of problems.

 

[wranglergirl]

I like cuffs advice.....take pics of the abuse and call the cops....I have been throught this recently and i have had to call the cops, and i have also thought to take pics of the mom who was being abused........

(((((HUGZ)))))))) best of luck and keep us up to date

 

[Cold]

Alex-Her mom wont let her move out. The last time she tried to she got beat up. Anyways, I'd love nothing more than to give her a piece of my mind, and a piece of my fist. But my girl won't let me. I talked to her about this last night. Oh, get this bullshit. Yesterday, for no apparent reason, her mom started poking her. I guess because it amused her. So my girl said to stop. Then she got bitched out for 45 minutes straight. Her mom said to grow up, and said that she acted like she was too good for that family, and said that she wasn't "untouchable". Then she said that she would ground her from seeing me for a month if that happened again. Fucking bitch.

Neuro- Her mom is over 250lbs, and my girl is barely 120. Also her mom works in a factory, throwing around heavy ****. There's no way she can take her. She's beaten up her dad before.

CDB- Yeah, I'm gonna try and stick with Cuffs advice. She wont turn her mom in, but if she beats her up again, I will. If you don't mind me asking, how has that situation worked out for you?

wrangler- Sorry to hear that. I will keep you guys and girls updated.

 

[AlexParty]

Thank god I aint on no cycle or this **** would get me pumped up with anger. Well Cold if you want to take pictures and report her that's up to you, I personally find it's kind of hard to do because that requires spying(I don't know what the laws are in the states or if your allowed to spy?) but that means you have to be there without her knowing because she wont do the serious **** around you. If it were me I would assess the situation right away. I know it would be akward but I'd have a serious talk with the mom. WHere's the dad in all of this? I assume thier divorced but sure the father wouldm intervine. I agree though with neuromancer, maybe it's best if your girlfriend fights back and actually gets into a brawl with her mom. It's simple psychology. Ex. If I am a bully at school and I constantly pick on the geek because he wont fight back, isn't strong or whatever I will continue to do so. But if the geek fights back, shows he wont be pushed anymore than I will stop. He would have won the respect. Same in your girls situation. As dumb as this sounds get her to fight back. Who's bigger? I'm not asking her to kick the crap out of her mom but more to defend herself. I really think that will changed the outcome of all this. It will show the mom she can't abuse her kids anymore.

ps: Where do you live?

 

[Cuffs]

AlexParty, it doesn't require "spying" to take photos of injuries. It's smart documentation. Also, having her "fight" her mother will not fix this situation, but will make it worse. If she were to get the better of her mother, and her mother calls the police and lies to them, showing injuries she received, they may end up placing the girlfriend in a juvenile facility, or even foster care. If this were to happen, then Cold would have no legal right to visit or contact her.

It's easy to say have her move out and in with Cold, but remember, she is a JUVENILE. She can not legally make that decision, nor can Cold, or he could wind up in jail.

Reporting, documentation, and counseling are the best tools of choice at this time.

 

[Matthew D]

I agree with Cuffs on this and I see this type of **** almost daily...

 

[Cold]

Alex- Thanks for the input bro. I'd also like to thank everyone else who has contributed. At first I really didn't want to post this, but you guys haven't shown any immaturity, or any nonsense. So you're all in my cool book. Well, I talked with my girl tonight. She said that her mom was acting better. I don't think it'll last though. I also mentioned about talking with her mom. But she told me not to again. She said it will make it worse. As for her dad, well believe it or not, he does live with them. But he doesn't get involved. Her mom has beaten the crap out of him before too. Also, her dad is the biggest alcoholic and chain smoker I have ever seen. Don't get me wrong, I think he's a nice guy, but what kind of person goes and sits out in a shed for hours, doing nothing but drinking a 24pack of beer and smoking a carton of ciggarettes??? I don't understand him. As for her fight back against her mom. Well....she's over a hundred pounds heavier than her, and her mom does factory work. So she's not weak at all. Her fighting back may leave her with a worse beating. Also, no offence dude, but I don't give out that info. I guess I'm just a little paranoid this being the net and all.

Cuffs -What can I say...your a great asset to this board bro. Thanks for all the help.

 

[Cuffs]

Cuffs -What can I say...your a great asset to this board bro. Thanks for all the help.

Anytime dude. I know how it is when you need advice and don't know where to turn. I've been there plenty of times myself.

 

[CDB]

CDB- Yeah, I'm gonna try and stick with Cuffs advice. She wont turn her mom in, but if she beats her up again, I will. If you don't mind me asking, how has that situation worked out for you?

Happened a long time ago with an exgirlfriend. Wasn't her mother though, was her boyfriend. I haven't talked to her in a long time, but last I knew she was fine and her ex hadn't bothered her since I spoke with him.