Something Funny

  1. Something Funny

    I got this in an e-mail. I know it's corny but it is funny.

    Lizard Birthing Story
    > If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet
    > syndrome including toilet-flush burials for dead goldfish, the story
    > below will have you laughing out LOUD!
    > Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet.
    > Here's what happened:
    > Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there
    > was "something wrong" with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner
    > in his room.
    > "He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm serious,
    > Dad. Can you help?"
    > I put my best lizard-healer statement on my face and followed
    > him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on
    > his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.
    > "Honey," I called, "come look at the lizard!"
    > "Oh my gosh," my wife diagnosed after a minute. "She's having
    > babies."
    > "What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie,
    > Mom!"
    > I was equally outraged.
    > "Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to
    > reproduce," I accused my wife.
    > "Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?"
    > she inquired. (I actually think she said this sarcastically!)
    > "No, but ! you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her,
    > (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth
    > together).
    > "Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.
    > "Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know,"
    > she informed me. (again with the sarcasm, you think?)
    > By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was
    > going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it. "Kids, this is
    > going to be a wondrous experience, I announced. "We're about
    > to witness the miracle of birth."
    > "Oh, gross!" they shrieked.
    > "Well, isn't THAT just great! What are we going to do with a
    > litter of tiny little lizard babies?" my wife wanted to know. (I really
    > do think she was being snotty here, too. Don't you?)
    > We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked
    > like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.
    > "We don't! appear to be making much progress," I noted.
    > "It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified.
    > "Do something, Dad!" my son urged..
    > "Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot
    > when it next appeared, giving it a gingerly tug.. It disappeared. I
    > tried several more times with the same results.
    > "Should I call 911," my eldest daughter wanted to know. "Maybe
    > they could talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with
    > the females in my house?)
    > "Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly.
    > We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap.
    > "Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged.
    > "I don't think lizards do Lamaze," his mother noted to him.
    > (Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me
    > is one thing, but this boy is of her womb, for God's sake.)
    > The Vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the
    > little animal ! through a magnifying glass..
    > "What do you think, Doc, a C-section?" I suggested
    > scientifically.
    > "Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may
    > I speak to you privately for a moment?" I gulped, nodding for my
    > son to step outside.
    > "Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.
    > "Oh, perfectly," the Vet assured us. "This lizard is not in
    > labor.
    > In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen.... Ernie is a boy.
    > You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into
    > maturity, like most male species, they Just the
    > way he did, lying
    > on his back." He blushed, glancing at my wife. "Well, you know
    > what I'm saying, Mr. Cameron."
    > We were silent, absorbing this.
    > "So Ernie's just...just... excited," my wife offered.
    > "Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood.
    > More silence. Then my viscous, cruel wife started to giggle.
    > And giggle!
    > And then even laugh loudly.
    > "What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing that
    > the woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless
    > manliness.
    > Tears were now running down her face. "It's just...that... I'm
    > picturing you pulling on its... its...teeny little..." she gasped for
    > more air to bellow in laughter once more.
    > "That's enough," I warned. We thanked the Vet and hurriedly
    > bundled the lizards and our son back into the car.. He was glad
    > everything was going to be okay.
    > "I know Ernie's really thankful for what you've done, Dad," he
    > told me.
    > "Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, collapsing with
    > laughter.
    > > >> > 2 - Lizards - $140...
    > > >> > 1 - Cage - $50...
    > > >> > Trip to the Vet - $30...
    > > >> > Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's
    > wacker.....Priceless


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