- 03-16-2005, 09:22 PM
I got this in an e-mail. I know it's corny but it is funny.
Lizard Birthing Story
> If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet
> syndrome including toilet-flush burials for dead goldfish, the story
> below will have you laughing out LOUD!
> Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet.
> Here's what happened:
> Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there
> was "something wrong" with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner
> in his room.
> "He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm serious,
> Dad. Can you help?"
> I put my best lizard-healer statement on my face and followed
> him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on
> his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.
> "Honey," I called, "come look at the lizard!"
> "Oh my gosh," my wife diagnosed after a minute. "She's having
> "What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie,
> I was equally outraged.
> "Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to
> reproduce," I accused my wife.
> "Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?"
> she inquired. (I actually think she said this sarcastically!)
> "No, but ! you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her,
> (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth
> "Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.
> "Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know,"
> she informed me. (again with the sarcasm, you think?)
> By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was
> going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it. "Kids, this is
> going to be a wondrous experience, I announced. "We're about
> to witness the miracle of birth."
> "Oh, gross!" they shrieked.
> "Well, isn't THAT just great! What are we going to do with a
> litter of tiny little lizard babies?" my wife wanted to know. (I really
> do think she was being snotty here, too. Don't you?)
> We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked
> like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.
> "We don't! appear to be making much progress," I noted.
> "It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified.
> "Do something, Dad!" my son urged..
> "Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot
> when it next appeared, giving it a gingerly tug.. It disappeared. I
> tried several more times with the same results.
> "Should I call 911," my eldest daughter wanted to know. "Maybe
> they could talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with
> the females in my house?)
> "Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly.
> We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap.
> "Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged.
> "I don't think lizards do Lamaze," his mother noted to him.
> (Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me
> is one thing, but this boy is of her womb, for God's sake.)
> The Vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the
> little animal ! through a magnifying glass..
> "What do you think, Doc, a C-section?" I suggested
> "Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may
> I speak to you privately for a moment?" I gulped, nodding for my
> son to step outside.
> "Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.
> "Oh, perfectly," the Vet assured us. "This lizard is not in
> In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen.... Ernie is a boy.
> You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into
> maturity, like most male species, they um....um....masturbate. Just the
> way he did, lying
> on his back." He blushed, glancing at my wife. "Well, you know
> what I'm saying, Mr. Cameron."
> We were silent, absorbing this.
> "So Ernie's just...just... excited," my wife offered.
> "Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood.
> More silence. Then my viscous, cruel wife started to giggle.
> And giggle!
> And then even laugh loudly.
> "What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing that
> the woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless
> Tears were now running down her face. "It's just...that... I'm
> picturing you pulling on its... its...teeny little..." she gasped for
> more air to bellow in laughter once more.
> "That's enough," I warned. We thanked the Vet and hurriedly
> bundled the lizards and our son back into the car.. He was glad
> everything was going to be okay.
> "I know Ernie's really thankful for what you've done, Dad," he
> told me.
> "Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, collapsing with
> > >> > 2 - Lizards - $140...
> > >> > 1 - Cage - $50...
> > >> > Trip to the Vet - $30...
> > >> > Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's
- 03-17-2005, 12:45 AM
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