The Military History of France

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    I found this the other day and thought it was an excellent read...hope you enjoy it as i did! al "A Conservative News Forum"
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    The Military History of France
    2/10/2003 | Unknown

    Posted on 02/10/2003 10:29 AM PST by ProudEagle

    The Military History of France

    So, after 58 years, the French have decided that they prefer Vichy after all. It's hardly surprising. When the Vichy regime was in power, one couldpretty much do what one wanted when it came to those troublesome Jews. Yes,there were shortages and lots of Germans around, but that's not much different from the present. Plus, just like today, the truly intellectual could take pride in the notion that they were part of something larger than a piddling little nation state. And really, "Liberté, égalité, fraternité!" is just so passe. Vichy knew that too, which is why they were replaced with Travail (work), Famille (family), and Patrie (fatherland).

    Not that those are any better. The modern Vichian motto might as well be ignorez, retarde, apaisez. Ignore, delay and appease describe the French character as well as anything else, excepts perhaps "Unions, Vacations and Occasional Showers!".

    You can hardly blame the French. France is example number one when comes to natural selection of a nation's character.

    Gallic Wars - Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2000 years of French history, France is conquered by of all things, an Italian.

    Hundred Years War - Mostly lost, saved at last by female schizophrenic who inadvertently creates The First Rule of French Warfare; "France's armies are victorious only when not led by a Frenchman."

    Italian Wars - Lost. France becomes the first and only country to ever lose two wars when fighting Italians.

    Wars of Religion - France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots.

    Thirty Years War - France is technically not a participant, but manages to get invaded anyway. Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the other participants started ignoring her.

    War of Devolution - Tied. Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots as chapeaux.

    The Dutch War - Tied

    War of the Augsburg League/King William's War/French and Indian War - Lost, but claimed as a tie. Three ties in a row induces deluded Frogophiles the world over to label the period as the height of French military power.

    War of the Spanish Succession - Lost. The War also gave the French their first taste of a Marlborough, which they have loved every since.

    American Revolution - In a move that will become quite familiar to future Americans, France claims a win even though the English colonists saw far more action. This is later known as "de Gaulle Syndrome", and leads to the Second Rule of French Warfare; "France only wins when America does most of the fighting."

    French Revolution - Won, primarily due the fact that the opponent was also French.

    The Napoleonic Wars - Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First Rule!) due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match for a British footwear designer.

    The Franco-Prussian War - Lost. Germany first plays the role of drunk Frat boy to France's ugly girl home alone on a Saturday night.

    World War I - Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by the United States. Thousands of French women find out what it's like to not only sleep with a winner, but one who doesn't call her "Fraulein." Sadly, widespread use of condoms by American forces forestalls any improvement in the French bloodline.

    World War II - Lost. Conquered French liberated by the United States and Britain just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song.

    War in Indochina - Lost. French forces plead sickness, take to bed with the Dien Bien Flu.

    Algerian Rebellion - Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a western army by a Non-Turkic Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces the First Rule of Muslim Warfare; "We can always beat the French." This rule is identical to the First Rules of the Italians, Russians, Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese and Esquimaux.

    War on Terrorism - France, keeping in mind its recent history, surrenders to Germans and Muslims just to be safe. Attempts to surrender to Vietnamese ambassador fail after he takes refuge in a McDonald's.

    Let's face it. When it comes to war, France gets rolled more often than a Parisian prostitute with a visible mustache. They've been beaten so many times there's no fight left in them. There's no national anthem in the world as ludicrous as France's

    To arms, to arms, ye brave! Th'avenging sword unsheathe! March on, march on, all hearts resolved On liberty or death.

    Oh liberty can man resign thee, Once having felt thy gen'rous flame? Can dungeons, bolts, and bar confine thee? Or whips thy noble spirit tame?

    Can dungeons, bolts, and bar confine thee? Or whips thy noble spirit tame?

    Yes, demonstrably. The question for any country silly enough to count on the French should not be "Can we count on the French?", but rather "How long until France collapses?"

    You should keep that in mind, Herr Schroeder.

    TOPICS: Foreign Affairs; News/Current Events; Your Opinion/Questions

    And we act surpirsed???

    1 posted on 02/10/2003 10:29 AM PST by ProudEagle
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    To: ProudEagle

    You failed to mention that France got spanked by Mexico. IF that doesn't tell ya something, nothing will!

    2 posted on 02/10/2003 10:42 AM PST by Howie66
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    To: ProudEagle

    "France only wins when America does most of the fighting."


  2. NICE!!!!

    Read This Book!!: Anabolic Steroids and the Athlete by William N. Taylor M.D.

  3. this is classic....i especially like the part about france only wins when americans do the fighting!

  4. has to be one of the funniest things I've ever read... this is a real comedic gem here, ****ing hilarious to me for some reason... real nice bro

  5. Nope. Not a damn win....Sucks for france.

  6. "English people and French people have long been enemies, culturally, militarily and commercially. In fact the two countries have almost been at war more often than at peace. (Well, not really, but it sometimes seems that way when you browse the history books.) So insults between the two nations are common. The French have described the English as a nation of shopkeepers and the English have described the French as a nation of frog-eaters. So, boil it down over the years and "frog-eaters" becomes frogs or froggies."-FreeRepublic

    "The story I heard was that this term dated from the middle ages, when the French flag had a blue background with gold fleur-de-lys on it. The ignorant English, not knowing that the fleur-de-lys was supposed to be a flower, though that it represented a gold frog. Hence "frog" became a derogatory term for the French."
    Free Republic
    N'est pas?
    "To your wife you should kiss try today"-Touey

    Brotato's bark brings shakes to the pups in the yard

  7. "The French and the Frogs
    For some reason, the French have been given the nickname Frogs...There are many different theories about how this came to be...

    The story I had always heard was that the nickname dates waaay back to sometime around the 18th century, when Paris was surrounded by many swamps...The French nobility that would visit Versailles apparently tended to refer to Parisians as frogs because of the swampy surroundings...and only later did the term get picked up to describe the French in general.

    Another story I've heard was that American soldiers adopted the nickname for the French during the World War II because they ate frog legs and hid well when camouflaged.

    I've also heard that a frog used to be on the French Flag, before the Fleurs de Lis was adopted when King Clovis took the throne....

    In fact, there are so many stories....I don't think anyone really knows for sure..."
    Free Republic

    "Not an Amphibian Fan

    Dear Not,
    Well, for a change the History Doctor gets a chance to answer a genuinely presented question! Let's not let this start a trend.

    I am happy to report that I have not one but several answers to this particular question, in spite of the fact that the inquiry is not, strictly speaking, of an historical nature. But we will let that pass, because the answer is at least potentially related to history. I must point out that I had to do some research on the net to come up with this information, and I am therefore indebted to Cecile Charron for her important contribution to human understanding. So here we go!

    For quite a long time, apparently, the French have been known as “frogs.” One would think, of course, that the appellation had something to do with the consumption thereof, and that is indeed one potential explanation for the nickname. The French fondness for frog legs was especially noted by British soldiers during World War I, who, being keen culinary observers, saw that their French counterparts customarily preferred frog legs even to good old steak and kidney pie. Hmmm, there is definitely a lesson here somewhere.

    A later version of this explanation declares that in the NEXT war, the French resistance soldiers were called “frogs” because they were able to hide so well from the Germans that the Germans began to complain they couldn't find them any easier than one could find a frog in hiding.

    But wait, there's more! One explanation involves the History Doctor's favorite (English) monarch, Elizabeth I, who really liked frogs and frequently applied the word affectionately to her close buddies. She frequently referred to at least one of her, um, very close friends as “my dear frog,” and at one point this gentleman was her representative in France. Also, for a brief time she was about-to-be-engaged to the youngest son of Henri II, whom she also referred to in froggy terms. Of course, that union came to naught since Elizabeth never did marry.

    And then of course there is the Parisian explanation. For quite a while the area of and around Paris was quite swampy and therefore full of the croakers. You may already know that what is today the Marais was, in fact, a real swamp for quite a while (“marais” = swamp). Needless to say, this area was not regarded as upscale real estate at the time. When everybody who was anybody took to living outside of Paris at Versailles, the “in” crowd began to refer to those who still lived in the swamp as “frogs.” The term became popular with foreign ambassadors, and voila! the French became frogs.

    There are other possible explanations, but you will have to investigate these for yourself. On a personal note, I must point out that the History Doctor's wonderfully informed but somewhat wacky husband insists that the term applies because on the forthcoming voyage to France all the beautiful young Frenchwoman are planning to kiss him so he will turn into a handsome prince. He hopes."
    Free Republic
    "To your wife you should kiss try today"-Touey

    Brotato's bark brings shakes to the pups in the yard

  8. This was good lulz

  9. Do you know how many Frenchmen it takes to bravely defend Paris? We have no idea because it's never been done.

  10. The French have always been there when THEY NEEDED US.


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