Beelzebub
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For you Marines who will PCS this coming summer and think you might avoid OIF-II, just in case start preparing.
<p>1. Sleep on a cot in the garage.
<p>2. Replace the garage door with a curtain.
<p>3. Six hours after you go to sleep, have your wife or
girlfriend whip
open the curtain, shine a flashlight in your eyes and
mumble, "Sorry,
wrong cot."
<p>4. Renovate your bathroom. Hang a green plastic sheet
down from the
middle of your bathtub and move the showerhead down to chest
level. Keep
four
inches of soapy cold water on the floor. Stop cleaning the
toilet and pee
everywhere but in the toilet itself. Leave two to three
sheets of toilet
paper. Or for best effect, remove it
altogether. For a more realistic deployed bathroom
experience, stop using
your bathroom and use a neighbor's. Choose a neighbor who
lives at least a
quarter mile away.
<p>5. When you take showers, wear flip-flops and keep the
lights off.
<p>6. Every time there is a thunderstorm, go sit in a wobbly
rocking chair
and dump dirt on your head.
<p>7. Put lube oil in your humidifier instead of water and
set it on
"HIGH" for that tactical generator smell.
<p>8. Don't watch TV except for movies in the middle of the
night. Have
your family vote on which movie to watch and then show a
different one.
<p>9. Leave a lawnmower running in your living room 24 hours
a day for
proper noise level.
<p>10. Have the paperboy give you a haircut.
<p>11. Once a week, blow compressed air up through your
chimney making
sure the wind carries the soot across and on to your
neighbor's house.
Laugh at him when he curses you.
<p>12. Buy a trash compactor and only use it once a week.
Store up garbage
in the other side of your bathtub.
<p>13. Wake up every night at midnight and have a peanut
butter and jelly
sandwich on a saltine cracker.
<p>14. Make up your family menu a week ahead of time without
looking in
your food cabinets or refrigerator. Then serve some kind of
meat in an
unidentifiable sauce poured over noodles. Do this for every
meal.
<p>15. Set your alarm clock to go off at random times during
the night.
When it goes off, jump out of bed and get to the shower as
fast as you
can. Simulate there is no hot water by running out into your
yard and
breaking out the garden hose.
<p>16. Once a month, take every major appliance completely
apart and put
it back together again.
<p>17. Use 18 scoops of coffee per pot and allow it to sit
for five or six
hours before drinking.
<p>18. Invite at least 185 people you don't really like
because of their
strange hygiene habits to come and visit for a couple of
months. Exchange
clothes with them.
<p>19. Have a fluorescent lamp installed on the bottom of
your coffee
table and lie under it to read books.
<p>20. Raise the thresholds and lower the top sills of your
front and back
doors so that you either trip over the threshold or hit your
head on the
sill every time you pass through one of them.
<p>21. Keep a roll of toilet paper on your night stand and
bring it to the
bathroom with you. And bring your gun and a flashlight.
<p>22. Go to the bathroom when you just have to pass gas,
"just in case."
Every time.
<p>23. Announce to your family that they have mail, have
them report to
you as you stand outside your open garage door after supper
and then say,
"Sorry, it's for the other Smith."
<p>24. Wash only 15 items of laundry per week. Roll up the
semi-wet clean
clothes in a ball. Place them in a cloth sack in the corner
of the garage
where the cat pees. After a week, unroll them and without
ironing or
removing the mildew, proudly wear them to professional
meetings and family
gatherings. Pretend you don't know what you look or smell
like.
Enthusiastically repeat the process for another week.
<p>25. Go to the worst crime-infested place you can find, go
heavily
armed, wearing a flak jacket and a Kevlar helmet. Set up
shop in a tent in
a vacant lot. Announce to the residents that you are there
to help them.
<p>26. Eat a single M&M every Sunday and convince yourself
it's for
Malaria.
<p>27. Demand each family member be limited to 10 minutes
per week for a
morale phone call. Enforce this with your teenage daughter.
<p>28. Shoot a few bullet holes in the walls of your home
for proper
ambiance.
<p>29. Sandbag the floor of your car to protect from mine
blasts and
fragmentation.
<p>30. While traveling down roads in your car, stop at each
overpass and
culvert and inspect them for remotely detonated explosives
before
proceeding.
<p>31. Fire off 50 cherry bombs simultaneously in your
driveway at 3:00
a.m. When startled neighbors appear, tell them all is well,
you are just
registering mortars. Tell them plastic will make an
acceptable substitute
for their shattered windows.
<p>32. Drink your milk and sodas warm.
<p>33. Spread gravel throughout your house and yard.
<p>34. Make your children clear their Super Soakers in a
clearing barrel
you placed outside the front door before they come in.
<p>35. Make your family dig a survivability position with
overhead cover
in the backyard. Complain that the 4x4s are not 8 inches on
center and
make them rebuild it.
<p>36. Continuously ask your spouse to allow you to go buy
an M-Gator.
<p>37. When your 5-year-old asks for a stick of gum, have
him find the
exact stick and flavor he wants on the Internet and print
out the web
page. Type up a Form 9 and staple the web page to the back.
Submit the
paperwork to your spouse for processing. After two weeks,
give your son
the gum.
<p>38. Announce to your family that the dog is a vector for
disease and
shoot it. Throw the dog in a burn pit you dug in your
neighbor's back
yard.
<p>39. Wait for the coldest/ hottest day of the year and
announce to your
family that there will be no heat/air conditioning that day
so you can
perform much needed maintenance on the heater/ air
conditioner. Tell them
you are doing this so they won't get cold/ hot.
<p>40. Just when you think you're ready to resume a normal
life, order
yourself to repeat this process for another six months to
simulate the
next deployment you've been ordered to support.
<p>1. Sleep on a cot in the garage.
<p>2. Replace the garage door with a curtain.
<p>3. Six hours after you go to sleep, have your wife or
girlfriend whip
open the curtain, shine a flashlight in your eyes and
mumble, "Sorry,
wrong cot."
<p>4. Renovate your bathroom. Hang a green plastic sheet
down from the
middle of your bathtub and move the showerhead down to chest
level. Keep
four
inches of soapy cold water on the floor. Stop cleaning the
toilet and pee
everywhere but in the toilet itself. Leave two to three
sheets of toilet
paper. Or for best effect, remove it
altogether. For a more realistic deployed bathroom
experience, stop using
your bathroom and use a neighbor's. Choose a neighbor who
lives at least a
quarter mile away.
<p>5. When you take showers, wear flip-flops and keep the
lights off.
<p>6. Every time there is a thunderstorm, go sit in a wobbly
rocking chair
and dump dirt on your head.
<p>7. Put lube oil in your humidifier instead of water and
set it on
"HIGH" for that tactical generator smell.
<p>8. Don't watch TV except for movies in the middle of the
night. Have
your family vote on which movie to watch and then show a
different one.
<p>9. Leave a lawnmower running in your living room 24 hours
a day for
proper noise level.
<p>10. Have the paperboy give you a haircut.
<p>11. Once a week, blow compressed air up through your
chimney making
sure the wind carries the soot across and on to your
neighbor's house.
Laugh at him when he curses you.
<p>12. Buy a trash compactor and only use it once a week.
Store up garbage
in the other side of your bathtub.
<p>13. Wake up every night at midnight and have a peanut
butter and jelly
sandwich on a saltine cracker.
<p>14. Make up your family menu a week ahead of time without
looking in
your food cabinets or refrigerator. Then serve some kind of
meat in an
unidentifiable sauce poured over noodles. Do this for every
meal.
<p>15. Set your alarm clock to go off at random times during
the night.
When it goes off, jump out of bed and get to the shower as
fast as you
can. Simulate there is no hot water by running out into your
yard and
breaking out the garden hose.
<p>16. Once a month, take every major appliance completely
apart and put
it back together again.
<p>17. Use 18 scoops of coffee per pot and allow it to sit
for five or six
hours before drinking.
<p>18. Invite at least 185 people you don't really like
because of their
strange hygiene habits to come and visit for a couple of
months. Exchange
clothes with them.
<p>19. Have a fluorescent lamp installed on the bottom of
your coffee
table and lie under it to read books.
<p>20. Raise the thresholds and lower the top sills of your
front and back
doors so that you either trip over the threshold or hit your
head on the
sill every time you pass through one of them.
<p>21. Keep a roll of toilet paper on your night stand and
bring it to the
bathroom with you. And bring your gun and a flashlight.
<p>22. Go to the bathroom when you just have to pass gas,
"just in case."
Every time.
<p>23. Announce to your family that they have mail, have
them report to
you as you stand outside your open garage door after supper
and then say,
"Sorry, it's for the other Smith."
<p>24. Wash only 15 items of laundry per week. Roll up the
semi-wet clean
clothes in a ball. Place them in a cloth sack in the corner
of the garage
where the cat pees. After a week, unroll them and without
ironing or
removing the mildew, proudly wear them to professional
meetings and family
gatherings. Pretend you don't know what you look or smell
like.
Enthusiastically repeat the process for another week.
<p>25. Go to the worst crime-infested place you can find, go
heavily
armed, wearing a flak jacket and a Kevlar helmet. Set up
shop in a tent in
a vacant lot. Announce to the residents that you are there
to help them.
<p>26. Eat a single M&M every Sunday and convince yourself
it's for
Malaria.
<p>27. Demand each family member be limited to 10 minutes
per week for a
morale phone call. Enforce this with your teenage daughter.
<p>28. Shoot a few bullet holes in the walls of your home
for proper
ambiance.
<p>29. Sandbag the floor of your car to protect from mine
blasts and
fragmentation.
<p>30. While traveling down roads in your car, stop at each
overpass and
culvert and inspect them for remotely detonated explosives
before
proceeding.
<p>31. Fire off 50 cherry bombs simultaneously in your
driveway at 3:00
a.m. When startled neighbors appear, tell them all is well,
you are just
registering mortars. Tell them plastic will make an
acceptable substitute
for their shattered windows.
<p>32. Drink your milk and sodas warm.
<p>33. Spread gravel throughout your house and yard.
<p>34. Make your children clear their Super Soakers in a
clearing barrel
you placed outside the front door before they come in.
<p>35. Make your family dig a survivability position with
overhead cover
in the backyard. Complain that the 4x4s are not 8 inches on
center and
make them rebuild it.
<p>36. Continuously ask your spouse to allow you to go buy
an M-Gator.
<p>37. When your 5-year-old asks for a stick of gum, have
him find the
exact stick and flavor he wants on the Internet and print
out the web
page. Type up a Form 9 and staple the web page to the back.
Submit the
paperwork to your spouse for processing. After two weeks,
give your son
the gum.
<p>38. Announce to your family that the dog is a vector for
disease and
shoot it. Throw the dog in a burn pit you dug in your
neighbor's back
yard.
<p>39. Wait for the coldest/ hottest day of the year and
announce to your
family that there will be no heat/air conditioning that day
so you can
perform much needed maintenance on the heater/ air
conditioner. Tell them
you are doing this so they won't get cold/ hot.
<p>40. Just when you think you're ready to resume a normal
life, order
yourself to repeat this process for another six months to
simulate the
next deployment you've been ordered to support.
cooking is such a safer career
