Farting: The Science Behind it + Childish Humor (Poems, Jokes, etc...)
- 01-27-2003, 01:54 PM
Farting: The Science Behind it + Childish Humor (Poems, Jokes, etc...)
All of the FAQ is true. I thought some of you might enjoy reading this...
FACTS ON FARTS
Where does fart gas come from?
The gas in our intestines comes from several sources: air we swallow, gas seeping into our intestines from our blood, gas produced by chemical reactions in our guts, and gas produced by bacteria living in our guts.
What is fart gas made of?
The composition of fart gas is highly variable. Most of the air we swallow, especially the oxygen component, is absorbed by the body before the gas gets into the intestines. By the time the air reaches the large intestine, most of what is left is nitrogen. Chemical reactions between stomach acid and intestinal fluids may produce carbon dioxide, which is also a component of air and a product of bacterial action. Bacteria also produce hydrogen and methane. But the relative proportions of these gases that emerge from our anal opening depend on several factors: what we ate, how much air we swallowed, what kinds of bacteria we have in our intestines, and how long we hold in the fart. The longer a fart is held in, the larger the proportion of boring, inert nitrogen it contains, because the other gases tend to be absorbed into the bloodstream through the walls of the intestine.
A nervous person who swallows a lot of air and who moves stuff through his digestive system rapidly may have a lot of oxygen in his farts, because his body didn't have time to absorb the oxygen. Encyclopedia Britannica offers the intriguing statement that some people's farts contain no methane. The reason for this is apparently unknown. Some researchers suspect a genetic influence, whereas others think the anomaly is due to environmental factors. However, all methane in any farts comes from bacterial action and not from human cells.
What makes farts stink?
The odor of farts comes from small amounts of hydrogen sulfide gas and skatole in the mixture. These compounds contain sulfur. The more sulfur-rich your diet, the more sulfides and skatole will be produced by the bacteria in your guts, and the more your farts will stink. Foods such as cauliflower, eggs and meat are notorious for producing smelly farts, whereas beans produce large amounts of not particularly stinky farts.
Why do farts make noise?
The sounds are produced by vibrations of the anal opening. Sounds depend on the velocity of expulsion of the gas and the tightness of the sphincter muscles of the anus.
How much gas does a normal person pass per day?
On average, a person produces about half a liter of fart gas per day, distributed over an average of about fourteen daily farts. Whereas it may be difficult for you to determine your daily flatus volume, you can certainly keep track of your daily numerical fart count. You might try this as a science fair project: Keep a journal of everything you eat and a count of your farts. You might make a note of the potency of their odor as well. See if you can discover a relationship between what you eat, how much you fart, and how much they smell.
How does a fart travel to the anus?
One may wonder why fart gas travels downward toward the anus when gas has a lower density than liquids and solids, and should therefore travel upwards. The intestine squeezes its contents toward the anus in a series of contractions, a process called peristalsis. The process is stimulated by eating, which is why we often need to poop and fart right after a meal. Peristalsis creates a zone of high pressure, forcing all intestinal contents, gas included, to move towards a region of lower pressure, which is toward the anus. Gas is more mobile than other components, and small bubbles coalesce to from larger bubbles en route to the exit. When peristalsis is not active, gas bubbles may begin to percolate upwards again, but they won't get very far due to the complicated and convoluted shape of the intestine. Furthermore, the anus is neither up nor down when a person is lying down.
How long does it take fart gas to travel to someone else's nose?
Fart travel time depends on atmospheric conditions such as humidity and wind speed, as well as the distance between the fart transmitter and the fart receiver. Farts also disperse (spread out) as they leave the source, and their potency diminishes with dilution. Generally, if the fart is not detected within a few seconds, it will be too dilute for perception and will be lost into the atmosphere forever. Exceptional conditions exist when the fart is released into a small enclosed area such as an elevator, a small room, or a car. These conditions limit the amount of dilution possible, and the fart may remain in a smell able concentration for a long period of time, until it condenses on the walls.
Is it true that some people never fart?
No, not if they're alive. People even fart shortly after death.
Do even movie stars fart?
Yes, of course. So do grandmothers, priests, kings, presidents, opera singers, beauty queens, and nuns. Even Yoda farts.
Do men fart more than women?
No, women fart just as much as men. It's just that most men take more pride in it than most women. There is a large variation among individuals in the amount of fart gas produced per day, but the variation does not correlate with gender. I have read that men fart more often than women. If this is true, then women must be saving it up and expelling more gas per fart than men do.
At what time of day is a gentleman most likely to fart?
A gentleman is mostly likely to fart first thing in the morning, while in the bathroom. This is known as "morning thunder," and if the gentleman gets good resonance, it can be heard throughout the household.
Why are beans so notorious for making people fart?
Beans contain sugars that we humans cannot digest. When these sugars reach our intestines, the bacteria go wild, have a big feast, and make lots of gas! Other notorious fart-producing foods include corn, bell peppers, cabbage, milk, and raisins. A friend of mine had a dog who was exceptionally fond of apples and turnips. The dog would eat these things and then get prodigious gas. A dog's digestive system is not equipped to handle such vegetable matter, so the dog's bacteria worked overtime to produce remarkable flatulence.
What things other than diet can make a person fart more than usual?
People who swallow a lot of air fart more than people who don't. This can be cured somewhat by chewing with your mouth closed. Nervous people with fast moving bowels will fart more because less air is absorbed out of the intestines. Some disease conditions can cause excess flatulence. And going up in an airplane or other low-pressure environment can cause the gas inside you to expand and emerge as flatulence.
Is a fart really just a burp that comes out the wrong end?
No, a burp emerges from the stomach and has a different
chemical composition from a fart. Farts have less atmospheric gas content and more bacterial gas content than burps.
Is it harmful to hold in farts?
There are differences in opinion on this one. Certainly, people have believed for centuries that retaining flatulence is bad for the health. Emperor Claudius even passed a law legalizing farting at banquets out of concern for peoples' health. There was a widespread belief that a person could be poisoned or catch a disease by retaining farts. Doctors I have spoken to recently have told me that there is no particular harm in holding in farts. Farts will not poison you; they are a natural component of your intestinal contents. The worst thing that can happen is that you may get a stomach ache from the gas pressure. But one doctor suggested that pathological distention of the bowel could result if a person holds in farts too much.
How long would it be possible to not fart?
As I understand it, a captive fart can escape as soon as the person relaxes. This means that a lot of people who assiduously refrain from farting during the day do so at great length as soon as they fall asleep. Having been on a great many overnight field trips, long bus trips, and trans-Pacific flights, I can personally vouch for the fact that lots of people do fart voluminously as they doze off. So the answer to the question would be, you can refrain from farting as long as you can stay awake!
Where do farts go when you hold them in?
How often have you held in a fart, intending to release it at the first appropriate opportunity, only to find that the fart has disappeared when you are ready for it? I asked several doctors where the fart goes. Does it leak out slowly without the person knowing it? Is it absorbed into the bloodstream? What happens to it?
The doctors agree that the fart is neither released nor absorbed. It simply migrates back upward into the intestine and comes out later. It is reassuring to know that such farts aren't really lost, just delayed.
Is it really possible to ignite farts?
The answer to that is yes! However, you should be aware that people get injured igniting flatulence. Not only can the flame back up into your colon, but your clothing or other surroundings may catch on fire. A survey done by Fartcloud (the site, alas! is not more) indicates that about a quarter of the people who ignited their farts got burned doing it. Ignition of flatulence is a hazardous practice.
There have also been cases in which intestinal gases with a higher than normal oxygen content have exploded during surgery when electric cautery was used by the surgeon.
Why is possible to burn farts?
Farts burn because they contain methane (usually) and hydrogen, both of which are flammable gases. (Hydrogen was the same gas that was used in the ill fated Hindenburg dirigible.)
Farts tend to burn with a blue or yellow flame.
Is it possible to light a match with a fart?
(Question submitted by Brocolli)
No, even strike-anywhere matches have their limits, unless the fart has the consistency of sandpaper! Any fart that rough I would hesitate to call a fart. Also, farts have the same temperature as the body from which they emerge, and aren't hot enough to initiate combustion.
Are there any books about farting?
There are several! My favorite is the new book, Who Cut the Cheese: A Cultural History of the Fart by Jim Dawson. This book provides an entertaining and thought-provoking history of the fart in literature, language and society. It is very informative and very funny! Ben Franklin's classic Fart Proudly is still in print.
There is a collection of suggestive photographs called Who Farted Now? by St. Martin's Press. Most of the photos come from old movies and political shots. For children, we have the famous The Gas We Pass : The Story of Farts by Shinta Cho, and Amanda Mayer Stinchecum (Translator), and the Canadian picture book, Good Families Don't, by Alan Daniel and Robert N. Munsch, about a highly visible fart infesting a proper middle class family.
Is it possible for a talented person to earn a living through flatulence?
Few people earn their living directly via flatulence. But a friend of mine says that he saw a carnival act in which the performer whistled tunes with his farts, blew out candles on the opposite side of the stage, and sent flames all the way across the stage. A famous performer who earned his living this way was Le Petomane, who performed in France at the beginning of the 20th Century. However, my friend isn't old enough to have seen Le Petomane, so maybe he had a chance to see Mr. Methane. Mr. Methane lays claim to the distinction of being the world's only performing flatulist. However, people may also earn a living through the prevention of flatulence (as do the manufacturers and sellers of Beano and other products), through the practice of medicine specializing in the treatment of flatulence and other gastrointestinal problems, by writing books about flatulence (see the question before this one), and through the production and sales of various fart gags such as whoopee cushions and farts in a can. Fartypants sells a fart filter and a number of other fart-related products.
Maybe, if you're lucky, you'll be able to find a copy of Le Petomane's biography by searching at alibris by clicking on the link below. Last time I checked, they had two copies available!
Why do dog and cat farts smell so bad?
A carnivore's protein-rich diet produces relatively small amounts of intensely stinky gas because proteins contain lots of sulfur. A dog's or cat's farts are rarely audible, but the odor is overwhelming. I have asked biologists why dogs and cats generally fart silently, and their theories include: (1) the amount of gas produced is small, but potent, (2) the horizontal orientation of their gastrointestinal system puts less pressure on the anal opening, so the gas is expelled more slowly, (3) their anal sphincters don't close as tightly as humans' because it takes less force to hold in the contents of the colon -- again because of the horizontal orientation of the gastrointestinal system -- and a loose anus makes less sound, and, my favorite (4) dogs and cats don't feel embarrassed about farting, so their sphincters are more relaxed, leading to less noisy flatulence. Mike F. points out that many dog foods are soy-based, so on top of all the above factors, add beans and stand back! Large herbivorous animals such as cows, horses and elephants, on the other hand, produce vast quantities of relatively non-stinky fart gas. The farts of these animals are noisy and can go on for astoundingly long periods of time. Cows in particular are productive, in part because they swallow huge amounts of air. They need oxygen in their guts for the various protozoa employed there as digestive aids.
Do fish fart?
According to our ichthyologist at the University of Guam, fish flatulence per se has not been studied, although people have investigated fish digestion. They find that although most fish have alkaline intestinal environments like our own, coral-eating fish have acidic intestinal contents. The acid serves to dissolve coral skeletal material. Coral has the same composition as Tums (calcium carbonate). One product of the reaction between acid and calcium carbonate is carbon dioxide gas. Therefore, it is logical to assume that coral-eating fish fart a lot.
The other fish probably fart also, for the same reasons that we do. However, Mike Pulte, a great fish enthusiast, said that he has never seen a fish do it. I asked our ichthyologist if it were possible that fish gas would go into the swim bladder instead of out the anal opening. He said that modern fish have an air bladder that is independent of the gastrointestinal tract. The gas comes from enzymatic activity and not from the intestine. Older models of fish have their swim bladder connected to the gastrointestinal tract, but it is attached high up, closer to the mouth than to the other end, and these fish come to the surface and gulp air to fill the bladder. Therefore, we can assume that intestinal gas leaves the fish through the anal opening. We also pondered the possibility of fish making noise via flatulence, but apparently most fish noises are made through belching rather than farting. Lisa P., an aquarium enthusiast, reports that she has seen her fish fart: "I have four aquariums and many fish, and I have personally witnessed fish farting! My goldfish used to do it all the time! You'd see a little bubble come out of his anus and stay there, trapped in the mucus of a long string of poop. (Ugh!) And my opaline gourami does it too. Neither of these are coral-eating fish. I have only owned two coral-eating fish so far, but I have never seen either of them fart. It seems most likely to me that much of this gas comes from air swallowed during eating. Also, goldfish have a very simple digestive system and their food is absorbed inefficiently, so possibly the bacteria have more to feed on?"
Do turtles fart?
Yes, turtles do fart, and their farts smell incredibly bad, as do the farts of snakes. In fact, it is my opinion, based on personal experience with reptiles and not on any formal research, that many reptiles use farts as a weapon.
Reptile farts smell so bad that sometimes you can tell that one is nearby in the woods, even on a windy day, before you can see the animal. One day I was hiking through the woods in Arkansas with a friend and I told my friend, "I smell a snake fart." A second later, the snake crawled across the path. Astounding but true!
What kind of animal has the highest worldwide output of flatulence?
Believe it or not, the animal that wins this honor is the humble termite. Because of their diet and digestive processes (with more than the usual microbial assistance), they produce as much methane as human industry. Termite farts are believed to be a major contributor towards global warming.
Is there any kind of animal that doesn't fart?
If we define a fart to be an anal escape of intestinal gas, then it follows that animals that lack intestines or an anus cannot fart. Most animals possess intestines and an anus, but there are some that don't. These include:
Sponges: These organisms lack true tissues and organs. They have just a few types of cells organized into a bag with holes in it. Water flows into some holes and out other holes. Sponges are so different from other animals that some biologists think we shouldn't even call them animals. Cnidaria: This phylum includes the jellyfish, corals, sea anemones and hydra. Their tissues are organized into a bag with a mouth surrounded by stinging tentacles. Food enters the mouth and is digested inside the bag, after which the leftovers are expelled via the same opening. In effect, the same hole serves as both a mouth and an anus. Any gas expelled by a cnidarian would be more appropriately termed a belch rather than a fart, since the animal lacks intestines and separate anus. Pogonophoran worms: These remarkable animals, who dwell on the sea floor near active volcanic regions associated with mid-ocean ridges, possess no mouth, no stomach, no intestines, and no anus. Apparently they retain their svelte, worm-shaped figures by giving up on eating completely! They survive by means of a mutualistic relationship with chemosynthetic bacteria that live in their flesh. Anyway, these animals cannot possibly fart. A second category of animals that probably don't fart are animals that live very deep underwater. At high pressures, gas remains in solution rather than forming bubbles. So there is a good chance that all those clams, echinoderms, fish and other animals living near the sealer don't fart because their farts stay in solution and never emerge as bubbles, even though the animals possess perfectly good intestines and anuses.
Is it possible to leave a brown spot on your pants because of a fart, and if so, what causes it?
Judging from what I see when I do the laundry, I'd say that the answer to the first question is definitely yes.
As for the causes, we must remember that what we call "fart" and what we call "poop" are just end-members of a continuum. That is, we can have a pure fart, or a pure poop, or anything in-between, depending upon the admixture of the two. If a sample consists mostly of poop with only a small fart component, you get such things as jet-propelled bowel movements and spongy, floating fecal masses (you know, the ones that refuse to be flushed down the toilet -- they keep popping back up). If the sample consists mostly of fart with only a small poop component, you get what is known as "skid marks" or "fart art." These can also result from inadequate wiping, but the shape of the stain is different in the two cases. Inadequate wiping leads to elongate marks parallel to one's crack, usually with well-defined edges, whereas fart art is generally more circular and has an air-brushed look.
Fart art is most likely to occur if (1) a person is suffering from diarrhea, (2) the person is trying too hard to fart, and (3) the person mistakenly perceives the pressure against his sphincter to be gas pressure rather than liquid pressure. Again, that last situation is most likely to occur if the person is afflicted with diarrhea.
How can we tell when it's only gas needing to come out, rather than something more serious?
Our ability to distinguish between the need to fart and the need to poop is something that we learn gradually in the process of toilet training and early childhood. With the tactile nerve endings in the rectal area, we can actually feel different sensations depending upon what is waiting by the exit. Of course, sometimes we are fooled, especially if the substance at hand is extremely fluid in nature, and that is when we have the unfortunate accident of venting a squirt of diarrhea rather than an innocent fart.
Why do chicks always deny farting?
I suppose I should start by saying that only some chicks deny farting. The rest of us acknowledge our gaseous accomplishments with pride. However, a great many sisters do deny farting. The reason is that they have been misled into thinking that farts are not ladylike. It is a great mistake to say that farting is not ladylike. The reason is that all people fart, including ladies. Anything that ladies do is by definition ladylike, and that includes the emission of anal gases.
Is is possible that, by inhaling other people's farts all day long, my own farts will smell more?
No, inhaled farts would go into the lungs rather than into the digestive system, and would simply be exhaled again, although it might be possible that some of the fart components might be absorbed into the blood. If you wanted to benefit from other people's farts in the way you describe, you would have to swallow them somehow.
Is it possible to get stoned after inhaling two or three farts in a row?
I am not aware of any intoxicating agents in flatulence. However, most farts contain very little oxygen, and you may experience dizziness if you are inhaling overly concentrated fart essence, simply from lack of oxygen. On the other hand, if you are inhaling farts in the open air and are breathing rapidly in order to inhale as much fart as possible, you may be hyperventilating, which also induces dizziness. Then there is the intrinsic hilarity factor: farts are so funny in both sound and odor that you might feel high just from the basic entertainment value of farts.
Is it possible for a fart to kill you?
A great many of you have asked if farts can be fatal, or if you can die from smelling a particularly bad fart. My initial response to this question was "no," but I thought I'd better ask a doctor. So now it is official, the medical opinion I received is no, a fart can't kill you. However, if you really work hard at it, you can manage to kill yourself with just about anything. I recently read of a man who hooked up his nose to his anus with a system involving a gas mask, rubber tubing and a hollow wooden post. He died of suffocation. This story comes from the Darwin Awards, and I personally cannot attest to the overall veracity of their stories. The story of the bed-bound obese man who died from inhaling his own flatulence (and whose farts almost killed the paramedics) is an urban legend that has been in circulation for some time.
Can excessive farting cause impotence?
That depends on the tolerance level of the person with whom one is trying to be potent!
Fortunately for humans, farting doesn't cause tissue damage. Other animals aren't so lucky. Soldier termites can actually turn themselves into bombs by detonating themselves via the explosive release of gas and feces, a process called "autothysis."
Is it possible to inhale (suck in air) via one's anal opening?
Yes, but it's a rare talent. The great early 20th Century French flatulist, Le Petomane, was able to do this, and in fact was able to suck up an entire bowlful of water (just the water, not the bowl) into his colon and expel it again with considerable force. By sucking in large quantities of air, he was able to perform lengthy shows on stage, and could imitate musical instruments, farm animals, and bird songs, whistle melodies, and play the ocarina. His productions were said to be virtually odorless, which is to be expected from air obtained directly from the outside. Here is a message I received recently (November, 1999) regarding the skill of inhaling via the anus:
"I would just like you to know that I am part of a trio, who can suck in air in our anal openings. we are somewhat air-bandits. we can let the longest farts you have ever heard. our record holder, Chad, stands at 24 sec. the record for most farts in a row is Derek, at 492. and I, Robert, have earned such nicknames as: Mad Crapper, gurglemeister, and old wetful. We have followed Le Petomane example, and have mastered the art of farting."
What causes the burning sensation that sometimes accompanies a fart?
This is generally caused by a recent meal of hot peppers or related spices. The oils associated with these foods remain intact and active all the way through one's gastrointestinal system.
If you fart in the bathtub, is the water polluted and should you refill the tub?
As long as what comes out is only fart and no poop, your bath water should not be significantly polluted. Most of the gas just bubbles up and contaminates the air rather than the water.
Is it true that a woman can fart out of her, shall we say, frontal opening, and if so, where does the gas come from?
Yes, it is true! The gas that emerges is simply trapped air, for there is no gas production in the genitalia of a woman. The air can enter because the system is open to the outside. This highly specialized kind of fart is sometimes called a queef.
Can a man fart out of his genital opening?
I have asked various men this question and they all deny it
Is it possible to capture a fart in a jar and save it for later use?
It should be theoretically possible to do this, but there would be lots of logistical problems. I would suggest using a plastic bag instead of a jar. You might try the following as a science fair experiment:
Fart into several plastic bags and seal them carefully. Then fill several other plastic bags with ordinary air. Wait 24 hours. Then get volunteers to smell the contents of the bags to see if they can correctly identify which ones contain the farts. This should tell you if it is possible to store a fart in any useful way. Malachi and Megaera have come up with a way to capture a fart in a jar. They say to do it in the bathtub while bathing. Fill the jar with bath water and then hold it with the open end downward. Lean back in the bathtub so that your fart bubbles will emerge in front of you rather than behind you where you can't see them. Catch the bubbles in the jar, and put the lid on the jar while it's still underwater. This way, you capture a fairly pure fart uncontaminated by atmospheric air. To enjoy your captured fart to the fullest extent, make sure that your jar does not already smell like whatever was it it before, like pickles or peanut butter.
Is it weird to enjoy farting?
It is not unusual to enjoy farting. I believe that enjoyment of farting is a healthy attitude, since everyone has to fart. If a person is farting to the extent that it creates problems and unhappiness, then a visit to a doctor is in order.
What color is a fart?
Farts are, alas, colorless. All of the gases that make up farts have no inherent color. But just think of how interesting it would be if farts were bright orange like nitrogen dioxide gas! It would certainly take the mystery out of who farted. Never-the-less, a high-personality gas like fart gas suggests color to people. Some people envision farts as brown, others as green or yellow. I have always thought of farts as brown, presumably because poop is brown. When someone farts in our car, that person might say, "You better not breathe through your mouth for awhile, or your teeth will turn brown." I knew a toddler who used to draw pictures of farts as yellow rectangles full of holes, like a slice of Swiss cheese. She thought of farts as yellow, and said that she knew they were rectangular because she could feel the sharp corners scraping against her on the way out!
Do other people smell a fart better than the farter?
The fart should smell just as much for the person who created it as it does for other people. However, the farter is somewhat protected by having the fart propelled away from his body in a direction opposite to his nose. Farting upwind nullifies this advantage.
Why is it that when you scratch your ass through two layers of clothing (your underwear and your jeans) your fingers still stink?
As pointed out by Barb F., who contributed the term listed below, a fart can be regarded as "aerosolized poop," which means that microscopic fragments and droplets of poop are actually distributed throughout the gaseous matrix of the fart. When delivered from the anus with some force, the components of the fart can penetrate one's clothing and these tiny particles can be trapped in the fibers of the cloth. The particles are transferred to your fingers and then your nose when you scratch and sniff.
Where does the word "fart" come from?
According to Eric Partridge in his excellent book of word origins (Origins: A Short Etymological Dictionary of Modern English), our word fart comes from the Old English word feortan, presumably of echoic origin, meaning that the word was chosen to sound like the object named.
When it is cold outside and you fart, can you see it like you can see your breath?
Now, that's an interesting idea! My guess would be yes, since farts are nice and moist like our breath, but this is one question that I'm not in a position to answer. I live in the tropics, and it never gets cold here. So all of you who live in cold places, try it out and let me know. I'd guess that there are really two questions here: can you see the fart with no pants on, and can you see the fart even with pants on...
What are some other words for fart?
The word "fart" is both a noun (referring to the substance and the sound), and a verb (referring to the act of farting). Other words for flatus: the nouns: the gas, the product itself, the sound, the types. aerosolized stool, after dinner mint, air attack, air biscuit, air monkey, air poop, anal acoustics, anal escape of wind, anal emissions, anal oxide, anal retreat, anus evacuation, Arkansas barking spiders, airs music, airs blast, ass dropping, back blast the "back blast area" is where the fart can be detected; upon dissipation of the odor, one can announce "Back blast area all clear!") backdoor trumpet, back draft, back end blow out, barking rats, barking spiders, bean bombers, bean fumes, beaver leaver, beer fart, belching clown, big spit-up, blare-ass blow-by (a fart that smells especially awful because it blew by a turd.) blow fish, blue angel, (ignited fart) blue bomber, blue darts, (ignited fart) bologna sandwich essence, bork (the sound made by a fart when you press down in the bathtub) bottom burp, booty burp, booty cough, bram, brewer's fart, (grains and all!) brown-body radiation, brown haze, brown mist, brown speckled mallard, (a misty fart) brownster, brun canard, bubblers, buck snort, (a particularly loud fart) bull snort, bum and flutter, Bunsen burners, burners, burp that went astray, burp that comes out the wrong end, butt burps, butt cheek squeak, butt moose, butt mutt, can o' cheddar, carpet creeper, case of swamp ass, cheeser, cheese toasty, chou pi (Chinese for "stinking fart") chunder church house creepers, corn hole tremor, crunchy frog, cushion creepers, davebrok (a stop-and-go kind of fart) deer snort, desert varnish, (a wet fart) doofu (Oromo of Ethiopia) dozer, doozy double flutter blast, drifters, drig, (Armenian), drive by, Dutch oven, (farting in bed and pulling the covers over one's head to smell it) eggy whiffo, (a particularly sulfurous emission) essence of Emeril, excreted gas, explosion between the cheeks, extreme fumagatory, essence fang pae, (Chinese) fang pi, (Chinese) fanny bubble, fanny halitosis, fartrogen dioxide, (1940s era term) fat lady delight, fecal clouds, fickle, fuzz, fing, (Hungarian - pronounced "feeng") fingi, fire in the hole, (an ignited fart) fizz, fizz-fuzz, fizzy fuzz, flabbergasted, flame throwers, flatulence, flatulencia (Spanish) flatus, flooper, fluff, flurpies, fly breaking the sound barrier, foo-foo, frump (an underwater fart) Furz, (German) fuss, (Lebanese) the fuzz, the fuzz=fizz, gas, gasser, gastronomical repercussion, General Colon Bowel barking commands, gooz, (Persian) gross wind, grosse humours, guano-talk, gou pi, (Chinese for "dog fart") grunghee, gurglers hanger, ("the killer that emerges the morning after two days of drinking and permeates everything, making whatever room you were in unusable for at least half an hour") he, (Japanese - pronounced "hay") hissers, hole in the wall gang, (multiple farts) honksa, (Choctaw - pronounced "honk-sa") hot wind, Hun Futza, (German for "dog fart") hurricane, hydrogen bombs ignimbrite, (ignited fart) Jersey torch, (ignited fart, from the movie "IQ") jet wash, (from Top Gun) kabooms, (farts that hurt) kanala (Danish) leather cheerio bark, lingers, lort, (Danish) love puff, (England) low flying geese, low flying jets, massive vapor of butt gas, message from the interior, methane misdirected burp, Missouri mud ducks, moon beam, morning thunder, mouse, mousie squeak, mudslapper, mush, musical butt, the nether belch nuée ardent, (a hot fart that rolls down the leg burning off all the hairs in its path) one-cheek sneaks, paad, (Hindi) pants geese, passed flatus, passed gas, peaches, pedo, (Spanish) peido, (Portuguese) peo, (Spanish, used in Dominican Republic, Puerto Rico and other Latin American regions) pet, (French) petard, phewie, pip, pluts, poelse, (Danish) poodles, poof, poofume, poo gas, pooh, pooh noise, poop fumes, poop without the mess, poopy tunes, poot, pooty pants, popcorn fart, (a dry fart) pop tarts, power poof, preets, prison break, proot-proots, (French ) prootsie, prut, (Danish) pudd, (Punjabi) puffer, puh, puk, (Russian - pronounced "pook") pulpmiller, pum, (Portuguese) purple clouds, (as in "I can't smell nothin' but them purple clouds is sho stingin my eyes!") putt-putts, queve, (a frontal emission from a woman) rames, (Palau an specifically a high-pitched, long, drawn-out fart) rare arse, (quiet, undulating gentle sound) rattler, rectal turbulence, report ringo, ringtailed roarer, rip ass, rip ship, the rip ****, rip skin, ripsnorter, roevgas, (Danish) rup rap, (diarrhea propelled by flatus) the scented scream, scheet, (Dutch) seam squirrels, **** fumes, **** propellant, **** vapor, **** without the mess, silent but deadly, silent but violent, silent depth charge, silent spadily, sitter air, skag, skid, sliders, smelly jelly, (a wet fart) smell-o-rama, smelts, smoofer, snak, (in the bathtub) some ******* behind you talking ****, sound spadily, sphincter whistle, sphincturbulence, spitters, squeakers, squib, stainer, stale wind, stench of death, stink, stinker, surprise (a fart with a lump in it) svaerd, (Danish) talking pants, tear arse, (loud, disturbing sound) tear ass, terminal flatulence, terminal velocity flatulence, three tone fart, thunder below, thunder in the buns, tonage, toop, tooters, toot-toots, triple flutter blaster, triple thunder flutter, trouser cough, trouser, trumpet, trump, (England) turtle, tushie belches, underpants lion, veirnt, ventifact, vind, (Danish) voice of the toothless one, wet fart, wet one, whallop, whootzie, wind, wind breakage, windy pops, wizard, zephyr.
Other words for flatulating: the verbs: the process, the act.
backfire, bake, breeze, biscuits, bake brownies, bark, bend a valve, blow dirt, blow dust blow a fart, blow a gasket, blow kisses, blow mud, blow smoke, blow the sparkplugs, blurt, boff, (England) boom-boom, break the seam, (to pass gas with high velocity or large volume) break wind, buang angin, (Indonesian) bust ass, butt yodeling, chemold, (Palauan) clear one's throat, cleft a boofer, colon bowling, cook eggs, couper le fromage, (French) crack ass, crepitate, crop dusting, (refers to dropping one while walking past people) cut a gasser, cut a melon, cut chedder, cut muffins, cut one, cut the cheese, cut the provolone, deal one, degas, dot'dot, (Chamoru) draw mud from the bottom of the pond, (for wet farts) drop ass, drop a cookie, drop a fart, drop a ringo, drop a rose, drop one, drop one's guts, (England) effluviate, (rural Pennsylvania) emit a fart, erupt one, fardullah, fart, fart like a popcorn machine, fessa, (Egyptian Arabic) flatulate, float an air biscuit, frump furzen, (German) fuss, (Lebonese) get expelled from stool, grunt, guff, heiny burp, he o koita, (Japanese for "rip a fart" - pronounced "hay o' koyita") here comes Freddie Jag fis, (Swedish for "I farted" - pronounced "yaw fees") kentut (Indonesian)
kill the canary, launch a wifter, lay a fart, lay a jellybean, let a windy, let fly a fart, let Freddie out of jail, let one make a stink, make cheese, make methane, make some underleg noise, ot'ot (Tagalog) pass gas, peidar, (Portuguese) peter, (French) piffle, pollute the atmosphere, poopski, poot, pop corn, pop off, pritz, puf, pukat, (Russian - pronounced "pookat") queimar a bota, (Portuguese) refine **** particles, release intestinal gases, ringo,
rip one, rip the canvas, roar from the rear, **** the bed, shoot bunnies, sink my battleship, sneeze in one's pants, spider's barking, spill one's guts, (Australian) split the seam, (to pass a small but signficant amount of gas) start a Harley, start the engine, step on a duck, step on a frog, step on a fart snake, stink out loud, stomp on the barking spider, strike mud, strip a gear, supply it taint ripper, (your taint in that little piece of skin between your ass and your whatsit? It taint ass and it taint what is it) toot vent, winden laten. (Dutch)
Fart rhymes from the schoolyard: a treasury of childhood fartlore
Beans, beans, the musical fruit
The more you eat, the more you toot!
The more you toot, the better you feel,
So let's have beans for every meal!
I ate my beans and they were loaded,
Went to bed and they exploded!
Beans, beans, are good for your heart!
The more you eat, the more you fart!
The more you fart, the better you feel,
So let's have beans for every meal!
Beans, beans, good for you heart
The more you eat the more you fart
The more you fart the more you eat
The more you sit on the toilet seat!
Beans, beans, the musical fruit,
The more you eat, the more you toot,
The more you toot, the better you feel,
So lift up your leg and let one squeal!
Peaches, peaches, I smell peaches,
Yonder goes a boy with a hole in his breeches!
Going Down the Highway
Going down the highway,
Johnny cut a gasser
And it blew me out the door!
The engine, it exploded,
The chassis fell apart,
All because of Johnny's
Going down the highway
Highway number 4,
Johnny let a fart
And blew me out the door;
The wheels started shaking,
The engine fell apart,
All because of Johnny's
Driving down the highway,
Johnny let a big one,
Blew me out the door!
Earth couldn't take it,
Space fell apart,
All because of Johnny's
Riding down the highway,
Johnny made a big one
And blew us out the door!
The engine couldn't take it,
The caboose fell apart,
All because of Johnny's
A Little Gush of Wind
A little gush of wind
Straight from the heart;
It tickled down my backbone
And it's also called a fart.
A fart can be useful;
It gives the body ease,
It warms the bed in winter
And suffocates the fleas.
Skinny and Fatty
Skinny and Fatty lying in bed,
Skinny lets a fart, Fatty's dead,
Skinny calls the doctor, doctor says,
One more fart, we'll all be dead
Gene, Gene, Made a Machine
Gene, Gene made a machine.
Joe, Joe made it go.
Art, Art let a fart
And blew the whole machine apart.
(alternate last line, submitted by Louie)
And blew the whole damn thing apart.
(alternate last line submitted by Mark R.)
And blew it all apart.
Had a party,
All the gang was there.
Let a whopper,
All went out for air!
Had a party,
All the Farts were there;
Let a beauty,
And they all went out for air.
Wherever You May Be
Wherever you may be
Let your wind pass free.
There Once Was a Man from Rangoon
There once was a man from Rangoon
Whose farts could be heard on the moon;
When you'd least expect 'em
They'd burst from his rectum
With the force of a raging typhoon!!
There Was a Young Girl of la Plata
There was a young girl of la Plata
Who was widely renowned as a farter.
Her deafening reports
At the Argentine sports
Made her much in demand as a starter.
What is motherless, fatherless,
Born without skin,
Spoke one word
And never spoke again?
Answer: A fart, of course!
What is born into this world
Without hide, hair, or skin;
Cries once and never cries again?
What goes through your pants without making a hole?
What is the difference between a Klingon fart and a sandstorm?
Answer: A sandstorm does not glow in the dark!
What is the definition of a surprise?
Answer: A fart with a lump in it!
Do farts have lumps?
Answer: No? Then I just **** my pants!
A Farting Horse
A farting horse will never tire,
A farting man's the man to hire.
A farting man will never tire,
A farting horse is the one to sire.
The Fart is a Wondrous Thing
The fart it is a wondrous thing that's made inside your belly,
It comes out of your bottom and is often very smelly.
Now, everybody does them, from beggars through to queens
And you can do some beauties when you've been eating beans!
So don't worry about those rumblings,
Be proud of all your trumps!
But remember, if you strain too hard
Your farts come out as lumps!
Here I Sit
Here I sit, broken-hearted,
Paid a dime but only farted.
Yesterday I took a chance,
Saved a dime but **** my pants.
Here I sit, broken-hearted,
Tried to **** but only farted
Here I sit all broken hearted,
Tried to **** but only farted!
Here I sit in a trance,
Tried to fart, but **** my pants!
Here I sit all broken hearted;
Paid a nickel to **** and only farted.
If that nickel broke your heart,
I hope you **** every time you fart.
Here I sit, broken hearted,
Tried to **** but only farted;
Then one day I took a chance,
Tried to fart but **** my pants!
Here I sit, cheeks a-flexin',
Giving birth to another Texan.
Why fart and waste it,
When you can burp and taste it?
When I Get Up
When I get up to wipe my ass,
I like to pass a little gas;
It clears my hole
And dries the bowl
And shows I got a lotta class.
When You're Hot
When you're hot you're hot,
And when you're not you're not;
But when you're on the pot,
Give it all you've got.
Better to Fart
Better to fart and bear the shame,
Than hold the fart and bear the pain!
It's better to fart and feel the shame,
Than hold it in and feel the pain.
F is For Fart
F is for fart that stirs up a breeze,
And smells even worse then Limberger cheese.
Some Come Here
Some come here to sit and think,
But I come here to **** and stink!
Origin of the Adam's Family
The Adams family started
When Uncle Fester farted;
Their children are retarded,
The Adams family!
Marty Barty Farted
Marty Barty farted,
The smell made him retarded,
The ozone was outsmarted
By the awful smell!
The Farter From Sparta
There was a young fellow from Sparta.
A really magnificent farter.
On the strength of one bean
He'd fart "God Save the Queen,"
And Beethoven's Moonlight Sonata.
He could vary, with proper persuasion,
His fart to suit any occasion.
He could fart like a flute,
Like a lark, like a lute,
This highly fartistic Caucasian.
This sparkling young farter from Sparta,
His fart for no money would barter.
He could roar from his rear
Any scene from Shakespeare,
Or Gilbert and Sullivan's Mikado.
Nobody could play the classics finer,
As he showed me one day in the diner.
I had a bagel with lox
While he played from his buttocks:
Chopin's Etude #12 in C-minor.
He'd fart a gavotte for a starter,
And fizzle a fine serenata.
He could play on his anus
Oof, boom,er-tum,tootle, yum tah-dah!
He was great in the Christmas Cantata,
He could double-stop fart the Toccata,
He'd boom from his ass
Bach's B-Minor Mass,
And in counterpoint, La Traviata.
Spurred on by a very high wager
With an envious German named Bager,
He'd proceeded to fart
The complete oboe part
Of a Haydn Octet in B-major.
His reportoire ranged from classics to jazz,
He achieved new effects with bubbles of gas.
With a good dose of salts
He could whistle a waltz
Or swing it in razzamatazz.
His basso profundo with timbre so rare
He rendered quite often, with power to spare.
But his great work of art,
His fortissimo fart,
He saved for the Marche Militaire.
One day he was dared to perform
The William Tell Overture Storm,
But naught could dishearten
Our spirited Spartan,
For his fart was in wonderful form.
It went off in capital style,
And he farted it through with a smile,
Then, feeling quite jolly,
He tried the finale,
Blowing double-stopped farts all the while.
The selection was tough, I admit,
But it did not dismay him one bit,
Then, with his ass thrown aloft
He suddenly coughed...
And collapsed in a shower of ****.
His bunghole was blown back to Sparta,
Where they buried the rest of our farter,
With a gravestone of turds
Inscribed with the words:
"To the Fine Art of Farting, A Martyr."
It comes out like a dart!
I wish my farts
Could come out like a singing lark...
Excuse Me for My Ignorance
Excuse me for my ignorance,
It wasn't very smart,
But if it came out the other end
It would've been a fart!
A Fart is a Chemical Substance
A fart is a chemical substance,
It comes from a place called bum;
It penetrates through the trousers,
And lands with a musical hum.
To fart, to fart, 'tis no disgrace;
It warms the blankets on cold winter nights,
And suffocates all the fleas.
A Belch is But a Gentle Wind
A belch is but a gentle wind
That cometh from the heart,
But when it takes a downward turn
It then becomes a fart.
Answers to that famous question:
Who Did It?
He who smelt it
Whoever smelt it,
He who denied it
You said the rhyme -
You did the crime!
(or the variant submitted by Brutus)
Whoever said the rhyme
Did the crime.
You said it,
You let it!
He who detected it
Whoever snooped it
"The dog always digs up the bone."
"The skunk smells his own hole first."
"The fox smells his own hole first."
Who farted? Me mammy,
Dae it again son,
God bless your wee bum.
The one with a gaseous demeanor
Is the one with the smell that is meaner!!
I can only attest
To a smell that is best!
Schoolyard Fart Tricks
You can trick someone into mentioning farts without them realizing it by getting them to read the following out loud, preferably in front of an audience: HOOF HEARTED ICE MELTED.
Get your friends to say this fast: One smart man, he felt smart; two smart men, they felt smart; three smart men, they all felt smart!
One smart fellow, he felt smart; two smart fellows, they both felt smart.
Wise Fart Sayings
A fart is just a turd beeping for the right of way!
A fart is nothing but the lonely cry of an imprisoned turd.
A fart's a **** without the mess.
If two people are in an elevator and one person farts, everyone knows who did it.
He who farts last is the last one farting.
He who farts in church sits in his own pew.
Fart three times and get a wish.
If someone farts in the car, all persons should take three deep breaths and it will all be gone.
Vulcan saying: Only a Klingon would fart in an airlock.
Farting is your ass's way of saying "hi" when you forget it's there.
It gives two people something NOT to talk about!
Things to Say After Farting
"Howdy!"-to assure one's colleagues that one's intentions are peaceful.
"Speak to me, oh, toothless one!"
"Speak to me, ol' toothless wonder!"
"Oh, toothless one! Your voice has changed but your breath is still the same!"
"It's that ******* talking behind my back again!"
"Oops! A sudden loss in cabin pressure!"
"Once, when Dorothy Parker was at a dinner, a man burped quite loudly she is reported to have looked at him and said, 'why didn't you use the other end and save your teeth?'"
"Soytka,"- to let their friends know they might be smelling something. The word refers to a kind of little bird.
"Speak up, ******* - Don't take that ****!"
"There's a kiss for you!"
"The ducks are calling."
"Oh, stop your bragging!"
"More tea, Vicar?"
"Don't worry - plenty for all!"
"When farts are transported past another while still engulfed in one's pants, one
should ask the perpetrator, 'Are you draggin' skags??'"
"Hey, did somebody step on a duck?" in Caddyshack.
"Reza por tu alma porque tu cuerpo ya esta podrido." This means, "Pray for your soul because your body is already rotten."
Types of farters
Bugle bum: Australian term for someone who farts a lot.
Fart blossom: a producer of particularly redolent farts.
Fartmeister: an expert and accomplished farter.
Methane makers: people who fart a lot.
Organ arse: Australian term for someone who farts a lot.
Snorkeldorfer: a person who farts underwater and then sticks his nose in the bubble.
Original Fart Compositions!
The Vapors Why is Fart a word we can't say? Despite the fact we Fart countless times each day. "Expel gas"; "have flatus" The terms O.K. to use But to avoid the word Fart doesn't serve to diffuse The smell and the noise
when one slips out Whether silent but deadly or odorless and loud. Is it all in the word or is it always pestiferous?
Is flatus benign while a Fart is odoriferous? A Fart is indeed gas better out than in Noxious and noisy but certainly no sin. It's socially frowned upon to rectally groan So it's best to enjoy Farting while sitting alone. But if one sneaks out during a meeting or parting Simply play dumb and say, "Who the heck's Farting?" If there are two so it's obviously you Say, "Don't be embarrassed, I do that too." To talk about Farting or flatus or gas The words are synonymous as long as not passed. If you Fart quite a lot you need not despair It means you're quite wealthy: a self-made million-air!
Here Comes the Bride
Here comes the bride all dressed in brown,
It used to be white but she crapped on her gown.
Her comes the bride; she looks pretty smart,
She stopped in the aisle and let out a fart.
There runs the groom because he heard the boom,
He's heading towards the door,
He never smelt that brand before!
- 01-27-2003, 02:07 PM
Originally posted by Sheesh
Snorkeldorfer: a person who farts underwater and then sticks his nose in the bubble.
Re: Re: Farting: The Science Behind it + Childish Humor (Poems, Jokes, etc...)
Originally posted by ex_banana-eater
If you haven't done this, you haven't lived
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