Women and the Cold Shoulder: What does it mean to YOU?

Irish Cannon

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Obviously there are multiple reasons a guy could be getting the cold shoulder from a female, but I'd like to focus on the case in which the reason is unknown. - I'm currently stuck in the middle of this and have no idea what is going on. I've never been put in this situation before; I've definitely been given the silent treatment on other occasions, but I've always known why.

Here's a brief history:

Dated her for the last couple of months. We never really defined our relationship, and I ended things because I got sick of a few things: (1) She acts far too young. The girl is 26, but is constantly out drinking in excess with her girlfriends and their military boyfriends/husbands. I don't mind a little drinking, but she was out, on average, 3x/wk getting intoxicated. That's far too much. (2) She lacks the ability to open up in discussion. She's very shut off, something I'm not. I always like to resolve conflicts openly, discuss feelings; really get things out in the open between each other. She fails miserably at this, and I think it has something to do with one of her past relationships. Go figure; I get the baggage.

Keep in mind I broke this off tactfully. There were no harsh words between us, and I left her with a kiss. That was that.

She sent me an email and said how she wanted to remain friends. First, I explained to her my philosophy between men and women being friends (I believe it's near impossible for a male to be just friends with a female; not impossible the other way around). So, in that effect, I explained to her I was no shmuck, nor was I a doormat. She understood, and things were cool.

I waited about two weeks (this last Monday) and called her up. I asked her if she wanted to grab a nice dinner on Wednesday, and she said she would.

We both got real dressed up and went to a nice place. We had a great time chatting over dinner. We were very playful with one another. We split the tab.

We went back to my place and she had some homework she needed to work on, so I just kind of hung out with her in the living room and did some of my own.

Now, this is where it gets interesting. Occasionally I burn, and she knows this. She's told me she occasionally does as well, so I asked her this night if she wanted to after she was done with her homework and she said no, so I went out and did myself.

I came back inside and we watched a few episodes of The Office. We were together on the couch, and still rather clingy. After a few episodes, I walked her outside to her car, both of us still talking, smiling, giggling, etc. I opened her door for her, she looked up at me and said goodbye, I nodded and shut the door.

I thought, cool, I've got another female that seems to understand how I handle a non-restictive friendship with a woman; go out, enjoy each others company, acknowledge that there is a connection, and let the night play out, and when the nights over, so is the relationship until you pick it up again another night.

So, I didn't talk to her for 3 days, and then sent her a text on Saturday simply saying, "Are you working late tonight?" - I was going to offer to cook a dinner; I received no response...Later that day I saw her on Facebook chat and made a joke about something that happened Wednesday; no response.

Today, in class, I sat next to another woman friend as I always did in there and this girl gave me absolutely no eye contact nor said a word. As I was leaving class during the break I stared her down the entire way I walked towards the door and she kept her head down like a submissive little f*cking dog.

What the hell is going on here? I really don't get it. I did absolutely nothing to warrant this, and she left Wednesday with a smile on her face. :dunno:

All I can think of is she's started seeing someone else. She's one of those chicks that seems to need a guy in her life to make her feel special. Kind of pathetic, actually. - But even if this was the case, why couldn't she just say so and not make me feel like garbage?
 
n8te

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Obviously there are multiple reasons a guy could be getting the cold shoulder from a female, but I'd like to focus on the case in which the reason is unknown. - I'm currently stuck in the middle of this and have no idea what is going on. I've never been put in this situation before; I've definitely been given the silent treatment on other occasions, but I've always known why.

Here's a brief history:

Dated her for the last couple of months. We never really defined our relationship, and I ended things because I got sick of a few things: (1) She acts far too young. The girl is 26, but is constantly out drinking in excess with her girlfriends and their military boyfriends/husbands. I don't mind a little drinking, but she was out, on average, 3x/wk getting intoxicated. That's far too much. (2) She lacks the ability to open up in discussion. She's very shut off, something I'm not. I always like to resolve conflicts openly, discuss feelings; really get things out in the open between each other. She fails miserably at this, and I think it has something to do with one of her past relationships. Go figure; I get the baggage.

Keep in mind I broke this off tactfully. There were no harsh words between us, and I left her with a kiss. That was that.

She sent me an email and said how she wanted to remain friends. First, I explained to her my philosophy between men and women being friends (I believe it's near impossible for a male to be just friends with a female; not impossible the other way around). So, in that effect, I explained to her I was no shmuck, nor was I a doormat. She understood, and things were cool.

I waited about two weeks (this last Monday) and called her up. I asked her if she wanted to grab a nice dinner on Wednesday, and she said she would.

We both got real dressed up and went to a nice place. We had a great time chatting over dinner. We were very playful with one another. We split the tab.

We went back to my place and she had some homework she needed to work on, so I just kind of hung out with her in the living room and did some of my own.

Now, this is where it gets interesting. Occasionally I burn, and she knows this. She's told me she occasionally does as well, so I asked her this night if she wanted to after she was done with her homework and she said no, so I went out and did myself.

I came back inside and we watched a few episodes of The Office. We were together on the couch, and still rather clingy. After a few episodes, I walked her outside to her car, both of us still talking, smiling, giggling, etc. I opened her door for her, she looked up at me and said goodbye, I nodded and shut the door.

I thought, cool, I've got another female that seems to understand how I handle a non-restictive friendship with a woman; go out, enjoy each others company, acknowledge that there is a connection, and let the night play out, and when the nights over, so is the relationship until you pick it up again another night.

So, I didn't talk to her for 3 days, and then sent her a text on Saturday simply saying, "Are you working late tonight?" - I was going to offer to cook a dinner; I received no response...Later that day I saw her on Facebook chat and made a joke about something that happened Wednesday; no response.

Today, in class, I sat next to another woman friend as I always did in there and this girl gave me absolutely no eye contact nor said a word. As I was leaving class during the break I stared her down the entire way I walked towards the door and she kept her head down like a submissive little f*cking dog.

What the hell is going on here? I really don't get it. I did absolutely nothing to warrant this, and she left Wednesday with a smile on her face. :dunno:

All I can think of is she's started seeing someone else. She's one of those chicks that seems to need a guy in her life to make her feel special. Kind of pathetic, actually. - But even if this was the case, why couldn't she just say so and not make me feel like garbage?
1. Maybe she started seeing someone else or shes pissed at you for not wanting more. Who knows man. Women are hard to figure out

2. What did this classroom girl have to do with the story? Maybe you shouldn't stare at her? Quite honestly, you describing a woman as a submissive ****ing Dog pissed me off pretty good. Maybe she didn't have anything to say to you that day.
 

Irish Cannon

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2. What did this classroom girl have to do with the story? Maybe you shouldn't stare at her? Quite honestly, you describing a woman as a submissive ****ing Dog pissed me off pretty good. Maybe she didn't have anything to say to you that day.
The classroom girl is the same one. That's how I met her. I should clarify further - I sit next to a chick I've known for a while from back in the day; the girl I went out with Wednesday is the one that I was talking about staring down.

And I described her that way because that's exactly how she acted. It was an observation, not a chauvinist description.
 
Resolve

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If a woman gives you the cold shoulder, you have two options:

Take the situation head on and confront her face-to-face, or forget her and move on.

That was always a real pet peeve when I dated. Communication is key - if you won't communicate, you aren't the girl for me and I won't waste any more time on you.
 
Lacradocious

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It seems that she has shut down from you. Maybe she felt there was a connection and expected a call sooner , and now her feelings are hurt? I wouldn't worry about it so much if she gets drunk so often, and the fact that she is unable to open up. I am not one to judge her situation, but it sounds like she has emotional problems. Those are best left to therapists to deal with. Goes for both men and women.

People who shut down are people who cannot communicate how they feel and drinking makes it worse. You could put a lot of time and energy into a relationship with someone like that but it would be draining, and not worth it if the person didn't change - and no one can really make anyone change but themselves.

It's not your fault she can't tell you straight up how she feels so don't feel bad. I would feel sorry for her for living that way. Count yourself lucky that you aren't with someone who is mentally and emotionally disconnected/unavailable.
 
brk_nemesis

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eh,.. just walk away from it.

She more than likely felt since you A) ended it with here B) waited two weeks to contact here, and C) didnt call her for 3 days after the date/get together, that you were probably just using her for company,or w/e. Or maybe she couldn't take the fact you wont leave the friend zone.

W/e the case, the fact that she doesn't open up would be the kicker for me. I got to have a chic that is as open and as easy to talk to as I am. If we cant laugh and joke about relatively stupid sh!t and there are plenty of "silent moments", then it aint worth my time. Some people are just compatible, and others aint.
 
jakellpet

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You sound so uncompatible. Cut the comms and move on.

A little neovar and LHJO may help alleviate any associated anxiety issues that may arise . .

. . and GICH! :thumbsup:
 
Whitesnake

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A little neovar and LHJO may help alleviate any associated anxiety issues that may arise . .

. . and GICH! :thumbsup:

"Yeah, Neovar should do the trick..........Yeah........Neovar"



 
n8te

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The classroom girl is the same one. That's how I met her. I should clarify further - I sit next to a chick I've known for a while from back in the day; the girl I went out with Wednesday is the one that I was talking about staring down.

And I described her that way because that's exactly how she acted. It was an observation, not a chauvinist description.
Ok. I got it now. Sorry about getting pissed but having a few friends that have been beaten by their bf's and then being told "yea I beat that bitch" by the guy. I get a little irritated to say the least when I see something like that. My bad.

Either way, she does sound like their are possibly some emotional issues which are never good. If she can't act like a grown up and at least be friends then forget it and move on to the next.
 

Irish Cannon

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That's my exact problem is the friendship. While I know a relationship with her at this point isn't possible, I do enjoy spending time with her. That's what really bums me out is the fact that I may have lost that with her as well, and for a reason that's completely unknown to me.
 
b9cist

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Your correct that men and women aren't meant to be friends, what starts out innocent enough most likely will lead to somebody getting their feelings hurt. Sounds to me like she was hoping for something more and when that didn't pan out, she felt rejected. If the situation is bothering you (which it sounds like it is), just walk up to her and politely ask her if there is a problem. Whether you get the answer you want or not, you'll have an answer that allows you to move forward and get this out of your head.
 
Jayhawkk

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I think men and women can be friends as long as that is the intent by both party's and not just used by one to get inside in hopes of something else going on. That is where there's an issue. The other issue I see here is that you chose to cut her off because she was incompatible with what you desired and yet you were also the one that initiated contact to have her go out with you. This may have put pressure on her to continue through the 'friendship' thing but felt as if perhaps you were still wanting to have something more and when she realized this decided it was best to stop seeing each other.

Quite honestly man, I put all the blame in your court on this one based solely off of what you posted.
 
jakellpet

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Your correct that men and women aren't meant to be friends, what starts out innocent enough most likely will lead to somebody getting their feelings hurt. Sounds to me like she was hoping for something more and when that didn't pan out, she felt rejected. If the situation is bothering you (which it sounds like it is), just walk up to her and politely ask her if there is a problem. Whether you get the answer you want or not, you'll have an answer that allows you to move forward and get this out of your head.
I think this is bullshit. If you can be friends with your female relatives, then you can be friends with other females.

Friends of my parents for whatever reason had most female children, I grew up with them as my friends - I treat them like my sisters and vice-versa.

Although this probably doesnt relate to IC's issue . . . I do have some female friends where an intimate relationship didnt work out, and now we're are plutonic friends. You've just got to stop looking at them like fuck objects, it's not that hard.
 

Irish Cannon

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Quite honestly man, I put all the blame in your court on this one based solely off of what you posted.
She's the one that sent the email saying she wanted to remain friends. I could have just as easily broken it off completely...but now that I initiated that friendly contact, and she's retracted it, I'm baffled and a little hurt.

I think this is bullshit. If you can be friends with your female relatives, then you can be friends with other females.

Friends of my parents for whatever reason had most female children, I grew up with them as my friends - I treat them like my sisters and vice-versa.

Although this probably doesnt relate to IC's issue . . . I do have some female friends where an intimate relationship didnt work out, and now we're are plutonic friends. You've just got to stop looking at them like fuck objects, it's not that hard.
I don't have that chemical makeup, perhaps. If I find a woman attractive then there is no way I could treat them as I would my male confidants. As I said before, I don't believe men and women were made to be JUST friends. You have to ask yourself, would you hang out one-on-one with another woman when you're married? Most likely not, and for good reason.

JKP, I don't know how you could compare a female family member to a woman you met out and about. They're not in the same boat, let alone the same ocean.
 
roids1

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She sounds like a worthless drunken slut. Just ditch her and move on. There are plenty out there who'll give you less headache. A chick like that will be totally in love with you one wednesday, then drunk and f*cking some guy she just met at a club the following saturday. She may be a great lay, but she's not worth the heartache and stress.

GICH!
 
Jayhawkk

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I have a female best friend that I hang out with on a regular basis... However, there isn't any ulterior motive for either of us.
 
roids1

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If that's your wife or gf in your profile pic, I'm sure she's thrilled about your best friend. :thumbsup:
 
Jayhawkk

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Touche! Actually, my girlfriend moved in with my best friend for several months prior to both of us moving in together. As long as the lines aren't blurred between anyone involved then there won't be an issue. If you know that you can't handle it then that has to be put up front as well.
 
roids1

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I hear ya. Just messin' bro. As long as everyone's cool with it, now worries.
 
Dwight Schrute

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Negs for the toothpick....
 
Jayhawkk

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I still can't even rmember how the hell that happened... I know that picture was taken on a day our shift ate at a seafood place but I deserve the neg for it lol
 

Irish Cannon

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So what then will happen if you end up marrying your girlfriend? Who then will be considered your best friend? - I just can't see how that type of relationship works out. It just seems odd to me. Your wife should be your best friend, lover, and everything else in between. Why cloud that by having another female in the picture?

I just feel like that's such an unnatural situation to put yourself in. I certainly couldn't do that.

...oh, and another thing, why the heck would you want to be on a woman's "just friends" list? Regardless of whether I want something more or not, I don't ever want to be on that list. I hate that list.
 

Irish Cannon

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Irish, if I had to guess, I would say that after the cuddling on the couch she interpreted that as you wanting to be romantically involved again. She probably spent the next 3 days checking her email and Facebook and answering machine hoping for contact from you. From her perspective, you totally blew her off, even though that wasn't your perspective or intention at all.

I don't think it's possible for a man to have a platonic friendship with a woman where you dated in the past and where you're going to be able cuddle on the couch watching movies. That is a recipe for hurt feelings unfortunately.
It's possible, but I just don't know. After our first date, she called me the following day, so why wouldn't it work the same way again?...and even if she was upset this time, I don't see why she wouldn't at least respond to a text within some time frame. I haven't heard a word from her since she left last Wednesday, and I say again, she seemed very happy when she was with me.

None of it makes any sense to me. I thought I understood women pretty well, and I still believe I do, but this girl is an exception. I think that's what pisses me off more than anything else is she has me confused, and I'm rarely ever confused about a woman's actions or motives.
 
Jayhawkk

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I have more than one 'best friend' and it isn't like I hang out with them without my girlfriend coming along for the most part. I do plan on marrying her and if at any point she decided she wasn't comfortable with the way things were then I would adjust since she's my priority. However, I don't put her in a situation where she doesn't get the attention, time and affection she deserves.
 

Irish Cannon

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I have more than one 'best friend' and it isn't like I hang out with them without my girlfriend coming along for the most part. I do plan on marrying her and if at any point she decided she wasn't comfortable with the way things were then I would adjust since she's my priority. However, I don't put her in a situation where she doesn't get the attention, time and affection she deserves.
Okay, that makes a little more sense to me. I would argue, however, that if your girlfriend is your priority, she's really number one, and the term "best friend" is just being loosely thrown around.
 
bigmoe65

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Its plain as day IC, you didnt lay pipe and she thinks youre a loser now. Can I have her number?
 
Jayhawkk

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Yeah I use the term best friend as a generic meaning for someone who I trust. There are only about 3 of those who fall into that category though :)
 

Irish Cannon

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Yeah I use the term best friend as a generic meaning for someone who I trust. There are only about 3 of those who fall into that category though :)
Yep. With the exception of my brother, I may have one or two good buddies that I feel I can trust. True friends are not easy to come by.

So I shot this chick a text today during one of my classes. I told her I was going to pick her up at 4:30 for a gym session, and that maybe I could "work out" her cold shoulder that she was giving me. She sounded almost offended (which is somehwat what I was aiming for) and said that she has just been busy, which may be true, but how long does it take to text someone? - Anyways, after she sent that, it seemed like she was trying to patch things up. Texting me and trying to make me laugh. I never really responded. She said she was eating dinner with a friend and wasn't able to workout. Whatever. At least I got a little of that off my chest.
 
VolcomX311

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I think the unanticipated cold shoulder means she still has feelings for you, so a). She wants you to take notice that somethings really wrong aka, she's hurt(ing) or b). The only way for her to move on is to turn on the Soviet Winter, because anything short of that, like a maintained friendship, will only keep her feelings simmering and keep her longing from a distance.
 
VolcomX311

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Yep. With the exception of my brother, I may have one or two good buddies that I feel I can trust. True friends are not easy to come by.

So I shot this chick a text today during one of my classes. I told her I was going to pick her up at 4:30 for a gym session, and that maybe I could "work out" her cold shoulder that she was giving me. She sounded almost offended (which is somehwat what I was aiming for) and said that she has just been busy, which may be true, but how long does it take to text someone? - Anyways, after she sent that, it seemed like she was trying to patch things up. Texting me and trying to make me laugh. I never really responded. She said she was eating dinner with a friend and wasn't able to workout. Whatever. At least I got a little of that off my chest.
I maintain the position of my previous post. People go warm and cold, sporadically when their own feelings are in a tussle. I won't be surprised if in a short time, she turns the Soviet Winter back on. Like after your next hang out and her feelings get simmering at a higher heat again. Who's feel'n my cooking references?
 
Jayhawkk

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Using my own experiences as a reference I would suggest moving on regardless of her intentions unless you're just looking for a **** buddy(which I also don't suggest). Talking yourself into ignoring those things that initially caused the break is a recipe for future disaster... Don't settle for those things that are important for you.
 
GuyverX

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Just the wacky operation of human relations.
All I can see are signals getting misinterpreted.
You did state she had a problem with opening up and communication so
the way she reacted fits that aspect.

I can be casual acquaintances with most women. But the regular hangout thing can only happen if neither of us is interested in each other as more than a friend.
I do have to give you kudos man, you are a pretty rational cat.
 
CROWLER

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Run run fast and far away.

Like Jay said just not worth the hassle. All this time and mental/emotional energy you are wasting on her provides zero pay off.

Move on.
 

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