Wife admitted to affair
- 08-16-2009, 06:50 PM
Wife admitted to affair
My wife and I have been separated for some time now. If any of you are familiar with some of my previous posts, or have gone thru this, you will know what an ugly mess it is. She is dealing with the consequences of the accident she caused and the subsequent DUI conviction. Friday night she was popped for driving on a suspended license and had the vehicle I'm paying for impounded.
On top of all this, she admitted to me that she had an affair with someone I know. While I had suspected she was cheating, I did not expect this guy to be involved. Needless to say, this s**t storm just got worse. The topper is, this guy is my sons best friends dad(he's divorced). I know this sounds like a cheesy soap opera and I guess it is.
This is foreign territory for me and I don't know what to do. The kids are living with me and I want to be honest with them, but where do you draw the line? They are 15 and 11 and are doing well. Also, I am going to see this guy at school functions throughout the year. What then?
Sorry for the rant. I needed to vent a bit. Any advice or opinions would be appreciated. Thanks
- 08-16-2009, 07:07 PM
- 08-16-2009, 07:13 PM
From just reading this I can see you are stronger than I would have been already.. Im vengeful bro, and i would have already paid him a visit..
I'd probably have one of my boys help me keep tabs on him then catch him out when I could, and beat his A S S to the point where he would not be making any phone calls to the poe poe
Then I would just deny deny deny when questioned by anyone..
Definitely not the best choice when you have kids man, and I know that my above post would be considered the wrong way to handle business.. Just sayin is all bro..
I have 3 kids myself and one on the way, so I truly dont know what I would do in the situation until faced with it..
Would you happen to have any Biker friends or Thug friends lol lol?? I should probably quit posting on this before I give you an idea you run with..
I dont know what your beliefs are my man, but prayer would be a good place to start in my opinion.. Best of luck to you bro
08-16-2009, 07:22 PM
Reps to lennoxchi for remembering about the car in the middle of all that! Definitely get the car out of the impound cause those fees are expensive. As far as the rest of it..... I remember being about 11 or 12 when my parents started their very messy divorce and they tried to keep my sister and I rather sheltered to the details. However, the entirety of the situation (and it was equally as "soap opera"-esque) eventually did come to light and I resented them both for not being honest with me from the beginning. First off, kids are more resilient then given credit for. Second, if they are going to be mad at one or both of you for awhile then they have that right. You still owe them the truth in my opinion, at least the 15 year old - he can handle it, he'll be in college in 36 months! Good luck bro.
08-16-2009, 07:26 PM
08-16-2009, 07:27 PM
Dang nightshift that's a horrible series of events for anyone to have to deal with. I thought you were just rocking out in my old Diablo account. But seriously, it's good to see that you're keeping a level head through this.
You may want to talk to some counselors or professionals who can advise you on the best action to take for the well-being of your children. As much as I'd like to say 'drop her' about your wife, her being in your childrens' life may be valuable for their development. You don't have to like her but you need to stay civil around her, and you should try to do your best to avoid sharing your anger with your kids. I'm not speaking as any sort of professional, just commenting as an outsider who's witnessed something similar to this with a friend back in high school.
Keep your head on man, let me know if you need anything.
"I am legally blind and if I can Squat,deadlift and over all get myself to the gym then anyone can get their a$$ in gear and get strong!!" - malleus25
08-16-2009, 07:35 PM
I tried from that point until Spetember 2007 to forgive, re-establish trust etc. But she did nothing, while we (the kids and me) ate a 10 year long crap sandwich.
What happened in September 2007? She did it again. THIS TIME while she was the Director of Contemporary Praise Music at our Church in So. Cal, and her Affair partner was the CHIOR DIRECTOR.
We are now - thankfully - divorced.
My advice is this: Unless you are willing to go through hell (you will anyway, you know that - right?), and can learn to trust a cheater (one a cheater, always a cheater?) bite the bullet now and leave. If you stay, start pulling money outside of your joint savings account and build a nest egg - it just might fund your divorce.
08-16-2009, 07:36 PM
Cut ties and run while you can man. Im sure you loved her but the person you probably loved and the person she is are probably two different people. Ive dealt with a serious girlfriend who was cheating. I can only imagine the pain from your wife cheating. Good luck or kill the bitch.
08-16-2009, 07:36 PM
08-16-2009, 07:38 PM
08-16-2009, 08:49 PM
As far as vigilante justice goes-
Be a man........Unless he raped her, he doesn't deserve a beating......She does.
Lets get real, I just dont see the point of hurting or killing someone else when a spouse cheats............The spouse is the one cheating........
WTF? Just redneck ignorance gone mad if you ask me.
Document it and anything else you can.......it will serve you well in the divorce if you so choose......
Dont get sucked in and remember to think with the right head.
Prayers your way and
08-16-2009, 08:57 PM
She just came out of nowhere and told you about the affair for no reason? Definitely wouldn't tell the kids.
08-16-2009, 09:37 PM
1. Don't tell the kids.
2. Go get the car.
3. Change the locks.
4. Lawyer up.
5. As for the other guy... f#ck him. Your wife's infidelity does not reflect on your character. However, his actions reflect on his lack thereof. He's the one who should feel weak and ashamed. Continue to be the bigger person, continue to focus on your kids' well-being, and move on with your life.
08-16-2009, 09:43 PM
08-16-2009, 09:44 PM
Nightshift, I remember your old threads, I was thinking of you recently for some reason and wondering where you went, even said a prayer.
I am sorry things are going so rough. You are a strong man, I hope you can last through this bro.
This is not an area capable of me to advise in, but there are others who already have, or will give you their best.
Best wishes mate.
08-16-2009, 10:22 PM
08-16-2009, 10:24 PM
08-16-2009, 10:43 PM
I say tell them no more than is necessary. If they have questions, answer them honestly. Just temper what you say carefully.
I know this won't be easy, but don't let bitterness take root. Regardless of the circumstances, bitterness is like sipping antifreeze daily. It's horrible for you and accomplishes nothing positive. It is impossible to hide from the kids b/c it eats at you so. My mom screwed around on my dad (who was a wonderful guy) til she left in search of greener pastures when I was 5 and my lil sibs in diapers. My dad never spoke ill of her, though he had every reason to. He helped us deal with it in as healthy a way as possible. He knew it was in OUR best interest to think well of her. He was right. If he'd not handled it so well, Id be a different person today. I was bent toward bitterness but Dad was wise in helping me get past it.
08-17-2009, 01:18 AM
08-17-2009, 01:26 AM
08-17-2009, 01:36 AM
Thanks for all of the input. This has been the worst few days of my life and I'm trying to make sense of it all. Maybe there is no sense to it and I need to concentrate on what lies ahead. You can't look forward if you're always looking back, and that is what I have been doing. My 15yo daughter and I had a good talk tonight. She understands what is going on and the drug/alcohol problems her mom has. With my 11yo son I have been more vague about the issues, but he too is aware of the basic issues.
I am thankful for the patience and disposition I got from my mom and I am thankful for the opportunity this board allows me. Having an extended community to talk with is very helpful.
My faith and the vows I shared with my wife 19 years ago still hold true for me. It saddens me to think of them and realize they have been broken.
Thanks for all of your support, I will keep you posted.
08-17-2009, 02:02 AM
This is as dark, sad stretch of road for you and your kids, but pray for guidance and wisdom. This, too shall pass.
08-17-2009, 11:23 AM
I can tell you, from experience, that this is a tough situation. It looks like she needs alot of help. Even though she has done a lot of bad things, don't totally rule out helping her and trying to make things work. It would take alot of work and patience, but it could happen. You have to think about what you really want and what is best for you and the kids.
Props for being the wonderful father you are. Good luck in all your future experiences.
08-17-2009, 01:28 PM
1. Whether or not you tell your kids, they will find out. There is no way to keep it from them. Your wife's actions will impact everyone; the kids included. We were advised, by someone with a huge amount of professional experience in this area, to have my now ex-wife tell the kids after the first affair. We did it as a familiy. They listened. And then the two older kids, then 13 and 11, admitted that they already knew. The secret was out, and it could be dealt with. There is power in that. And your kids don't need to incur the weight of keeping a secret of something they know (protending to you that they don't know). But, I woudl tell them as little as I could, while still being honest.
2. You NEED TO look at what has happened, not look past it to the future. Looking ahead, without dealing with the hurt, just delays the healing process. One of the most important things in my healing was attanding a Divorce Recovery Workshop. Why? I saw many people still being impacted by their divorce, many ears after the fact. That scared the crap out of me. The same can be true with dealing with adultery. Deal wit it ASAP, and at some point in the future - you can deal with the future. Think of it this way, you probably wouln't advise someone to plan their vacation (a future event) while they were sitting in the emergency room bleeding profusely. They shoud deal with the injury first, right? Right. Don't be in a hurry to look past your hurt.
3. With 19 years of marriage behind you (I had 19 the first time she cheated, 27 the 2nd time she cheated), you have kept YOUR vows for a long time. You have a right to be upset that she failed to do the same, and you may have to grieve that loss; as well as the loss of the image of your wife as being credible and honest - and finding out that she isn't the person you thought she was. I'll suggest that you may have to grieve the loss of your once-sacred )now forever-gone) fidelity. I did; boy did I. Worse yet, is having the knowledge that your vows weren't just broken - she intentionally chose to destroy them. To me, that hurt worst than anything.
Obviously I am not trying to cheer you up, but neither am I trying to bum you out. I am trying to help you - this is a crappy process. It takes time. She gave away soemthing that wasn't her's alone to give away.
The one thing thing I will advise you is this: Despite what most guys will tell you, what you need IS NOT to go out and get laid. The injury you feel is heart, not genital, based. Don't lower yourself to the level she chose.
And make God proud, regardless of whatever you do.
08-17-2009, 02:15 PM
I echo the response of ZeroV as I remember your situation, and it was brought up if you felt she was cheating on you..
I went through the exact same thing (3 years ago) except I did not have any children, but now (2009) have a 10 week old son with a new love of my life. It is important for you to let your children know, they are your only family, and DO NOT GIVE IN TO THAT ADULTRESS! I will tell you right now that you are more of a man than the punk a$$ who is with your wife.
Your kids see this, and they will always have that to fall back on and will seek you in their rough patches in life.
You said you were separated keep it that way and get a divorce. In fact you may even be able to expedited the proceedings faster since she admitted to it.
WHat the others said about your assets i.e. impounded car, money locks.. Handle that ASAP, and have no communication with the guy who is seeing your wife. Talk to a lawyer immediately and put this horse to sleep my friend and move on with your life.
Your family is you and your children. A queen awaits you in due time I guarantee it
I too had to see the guy my wife was screwing on a daily basis as I had contract work to do at the company he worked for, the beauty is he got fired as his performance was lagging. So when you see him, just smile, smile knowing that you are not so depraved and weak as he is. See women all want a strong man, and there is strength in peace, in self-control their is power never forget that.
Your wife is dealing with the reprocussions of her actions i.e. dui, accident etc (ahh poor baby boo hoo).. Shes a gong show right now, and personally I would not do anything to help her at all call it tough love, or "Intervention" if you will.. She made the choice, maybe she can ask her main squeeze for help.
Who got me through was Jesus Christ, I prayed with such intensity, not eloquent long prayers, but prayers filled with tears, and prayers filled with verses I remembered.
Be courageous and strong, God will never leave your side.
We are here for you.. Been there done that, got the t-shirt.
Last edited by MK9; 08-17-2009 at 02:15 PM. Reason: typo
08-17-2009, 05:34 PM
Yes, this is a very important time for you and your kids. Show them how a responsible, decent person handles adversity. Teach them, by example, courage and grace in the face of all of this hurt and anger. Err on the side of prudence and be the bigger person. Even if you don't feel it, let the kids know that she is still their mother and that while she is going through a tough time, she still deserves their respect and love. She is clearly out of control and needs an intervention at this point. Let the kids tell her what she is doing to them and how they want her to clean her act up. You loved her enough to remain faithful to her and have kids with her. She needs you now. I'm not saying to get back with her, I'm suggesting that if she wants it, help her. Your marriage seems to be over but she'll always be the mother of your kids. That should count for something. I wish the best for you and yours. Stay strong and you'll be fine.
08-17-2009, 09:10 PM
08-17-2009, 09:50 PM
Temper yourself - calm, collected, cool, restrained and pleasant.
Meekness = Power under restraint.
You can never, ever go wrong by under reacting.
The damage is done and the perpetrators are clearly defined. Remain an honorable and moral man of integrity, character and strength, now more than ever.
We live in a time where our planet suffers from two epidemics simultaneously - starvation and obesity.
Look at all these little kids taking care of the music biz, don't their business take good care of me.
I have the fire, I have the force, I have the power to make my evil take it's course.
08-17-2009, 09:53 PM
08-17-2009, 09:56 PM
What bionic said is good advice to a point but I def. would side with caution on how much info about what there mother has done. I come from a broken family as well and my mother NEVER spoke bad about my sperm donor. She let me find out what kind of man or lack there of all on my own. I'm not saying to lie about the facts, but I would def. keep some details from the 11 yr old.
As far as helping her, I would def. be very carefully about that one. My ex-wife has tried very hard and did try very hard to drain every last cent from my pockets and then some. His point about her being there mother is so true and not to be interfered with.
i wish you the best of luck and please continue to vent here and hopefully it helps you reading advice from others here and venting.
08-17-2009, 10:50 PM
Pump Iron. Keep your mind focused on the positive. Your a good guy. I love you.
P.s: Her decisions had nothing to do with you. She is insecure and does not feel comfortable in her own skin. Have compassion for her, but protect yourself and stay safe bro.
08-18-2009, 01:02 AM
I found out today that she has a court date next Monday for the arrest last weekend. Seeing as how only a month has gone by since she spent 24hrs in the hole for her DUI, I am not sure how a judge is going to look at this. My guess would be not kindly. If I understand the law correctly out here, she could be looking at up to 4 months. Part of me wants her to get that much and hopefully have the extent of her actions sink in. Another part of me is sorry for her. Watching someone self destruct is an ugly thing.
As many of you have mentioned, vengeance is out of the question. That would solve nothing and I would not be able to face my self or my kids if I were to lower myself to that level.
Again, thanks for all of your input. I will keep you posted as best as possible.
08-18-2009, 01:55 PM
People cheat cause they are very insecure and think something or someone will make them feel better when they are only chasing a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. It leads to no where and they are left even more empty then they were before. Once she gets to that point the consequences of her actions will be very painful. Keep the kids out of it as much as you can. You need to be strong for them. Like you said.. vengence is out of the question. Divorce, take care of your kids and things will work out for you.
"It ain't about how hard you hit, It's about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward, how much you can take and keep moving forward, that's how winning is done"- rocky balboa
“Lord, whom shall we go away to? You have sayings of everlasting life"- John 6:68
WHAT has science offered?
08-18-2009, 02:11 PM
I feel pretty confident in speaking for those of us who have already dealt with infidelity when I suggest that we are all willing to contribute meaningfully, and offer the best advice we can. Infidelity is a brutal thing to deal with, yet returning the favor or seeking vengeance is – as you’ve already stated – not an option.
Pleae realize that you will never be sorry for taking the high moral ground.
Trust me; I am happy I didn't yield to many impulses and suggestions.
08-18-2009, 02:12 PM
Watching someone you love self-destruct is very painful, you and your family are in my prayers including the ex.
Another reason people cheat is not having their needs met, this is why communication is such an important element in a relationship because it builds trust. I am not sure about the details to what has caused this, but be aware that it is a 50/50 thing. No one wakes up and says "I want to sleep with someone else" its a constant chipping away at the foundation with the "little" things not seeming too important anymore like a good conversation about nothing in particular (idea is to spend time with eachother), taking the other person for granted, not including yourself in the persons activities\interests.
Eventually you drift apart and its a tragedy. Now this is not to say it cannot be reconciled, but to rebuild trust after an affair is going to be a challenge to say the least.
The carnal heart wishes vengeance which is natural cause a person is upset when their life is attacked and destroyed, but it leads to nothing and the legal repricussions will result in serious loss emotionally, and financially..
Never forget to tell yourself everyday that you are a great person, and you have a lot to offer. I know its hard, and difficult, but persevere, this storm will pass.
Its a new life my friend that awaits you, clean up any loose ends, and move ahead. You and your children deserve it. Do stuff you wouldn't have thought of doing like going to SeaWorld or something.. I dunno, i know its a delicate situation and just want you to know there are some cool things that await you, all in due time.
08-18-2009, 02:14 PM
08-18-2009, 03:02 PM
Terrible situation bro, sorry to hear this.
Only thing I suggest, tell your son. It's better if he hears it from you than his friend or some one else at school.
08-19-2009, 03:08 PM
08-19-2009, 03:16 PM
Once trust has been dessimated, it needs to be rebuilt - or the relationship wiill (eventually) die.
The betrayed must be willing to forgive; that much is certain. Either way - or the un-forgiveness will destroy the betrayed.
But forgiveness is not the same as reconciling and living happily ever after.
For that to occur the betrayer must show the betrayed (in reasonable terms determined by the betrayed) that true remore and repentenace exist, and they are willing to make restitution. Yes, those things are possible, but it all depends on the character of the betrayer.
But unless the betrayer is willing to work to help heal the damage they inflicted (and most ARE NOT), it is far better to divorce.
08-19-2009, 03:25 PM
Sometimes the injury is just too deep to fully heal no matter how much you want it to. A subconscious wall goes up limiting emotional access. It's just wise to know when to call it off. Years down the road after all has been "worked out" and you realize that you are not able to acknowledge the mistake in putting it back together without a lot of casualties, it will eat at you. Going through the motions for the rest of your life hurts more than this upheaval, which will pass in time.
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