just stumbled across this from when i was in, thought you guys may appreciate it.
Department Of the Army
Office of the Chief of Staff
MEMORANDUM FOR : All Personnel
SUBJECT: Revised Retirement Policy
1. As a result of the Gramm-Rudman Act, we are forced to reduce our budget and must reduce the number of soldiers on active duty.
2. Under the new plan, older soldiers (age 38 and older) will go on early retirement, thus permitting the retention of younger troops who represent our future plans for a more modern and youthful Army.
3. Therefore, a program to phase out older soldiers by the end of this Fiscal year, via retirement will be placed into effect immediately. The program will be known as Retire Aged Personnel Early (RAPE).
4. Soldiers who are RAPE'd will be given the opportunity to work other jobs within the Department of the Army. Once a soldier has been RAPE'd, he or she can request a review of their employment records before actual retirement takes place. This phase is called Survey of Capabilities of Retired Early Workers (SCREW).
5. Soldiers that have been RAPE'd or SCREW'd may apply for a senior management "policy review". This will be called Study by Higher Authority Following Termination (SHAFT). Personnel policies dictate that soldiers may be RAPE'd once and SCREW'd twice, but may get the SHAFT as often as the Department of the Army deems appropriate.
6. If a soldier is affected by the policy changes, they will be entitled to get Half Earning of Retired Persons Employment Services (HERPES). HERPES should be considered a bonus plan because once a soldier gets HERPES, he or she can no longer be RAPE'd or SCREW'd by the Department of the Army.
7. It is now and has always been the policy of the Department of the Army to ensure that soldiers are well trained with Special High Intensity Training (SHIT). We have given our soldiers more SHIT than any other branch of the Armed Forces throughout the world. If a soldier feels that they do not receive enough SHIT on the job, see your immediate supervisor. Our management is especially trained to ensure that you get all the SHIT that you can handle.
FOR THE CHIEF OF STAFF :
U. R. Olde
Asst CofS - Retirement