The real story of Jesus by Jakellpet

  1. The real story of Jesus by Jakellpet

    I wrote this many years ago in an alcohol-fueled stuper. It's probably the ultimate in blasphemy, but good for shits and giggles nonetheless. One day I will get paid for my talents...

    Well, I've considered sifting through the pages of history to find out what the whole story is, but rather than do any constructive research I just made up some bullshit that I doubt even the most gullible among you would even swallow.

    The story of the three wise men is a sham. Apparently they were originally 2nd-hand camel dealers from Bethlehem, and the only time they ever came close to 'wisdom' was when Hank, the midget of the trio suggested bashing out the camel's teeth to form, and I quote, "a better vacuum".

    Trade was good for a while, but due to a crippling strain of camel syphalis the lads had to close up shop. Fortunately Gary, the midget of the trio, had contacts with the resident dealer, and arranged to score a half-weight of murr to take across the desert and sell to those big-nosed fucking Romans.

    So, the boys were halfway across the desert when Terry, the midget of the trio, suggested they did a bit of a taste-test to see what the go was with this 'murr'. This was their first mistake, and certainly points out the absurdity of the title 'wise', as within the space of 15 minutes had pretty much polished off the lot.

    A week later they were still wandering around in the desert in a dementia fuelled by syphilis, murr and heat exhaustion. Luckily Joseph spotted them when he popped out for a smoke while Mary was calfing. He was pretty pissed off about the whole affair so far, and was far from convinced her pregnancy was the result of her "wanking him off in the bath, and not cleaning up the mess properly". He had his suspicions with Jonno, the local goat blower but of course had no solid proof. What made it worse was there were also rumorss of pornographic etchings circulating of Mary getting double-ended up the dung-tunnel by a pair baboons while being leered at by a contingent of of gallery slaves...

    Anyway, back the main story. Joseph called the boys over as he needed a bit of male support. Mary was still screaming her tits off, and even the fine Moroccan brown had hardly calmed his nerves any, and besides he was more than a little curious to what they were doing. Unfortunately Jo couldn't make head or ****ing tale WHAT these three fuckwits were babbling on about. He managed to catch "stars", and "angles" and "good camel", but sod-all else.

    "What the hell have you blokes been doing?" Jo asked, at which point Hank, the midget of the trio, pulls out the remainder of the murr. Jo recognised immediately the highly potent narcotic, and after a bit of wheeling and dealing managed to convince the lads that his donkey was in fact a rare chinese breed of syphilis-resistant camel that could operate an abacus and whistle bawdy sea-shanties. In return Jo got the rest of the murrr, and few gold coins, a couple of sticks of incense and a knotted rope.

    Meanwhile Mary had had the pup, and when Jo got back inside, he was eager to see who the little punk resembled. Unfortunately upon doing so inadvertently spilt the murr all over the kid, who managed to ingest most of it before it could be cleaned up.

    Funnily enough the effect was similar to what happened about 50 years earlier to a French kid called Obelix who fell into a cauldron of magic potion when he was a baby. Yes, the soon-to-be-called Jesus spent the rest of his live off his biblical-fucking-trolley. The rest is history as you know it, but if you add in this interesting little piece of information it can all shed new light.

  2. can't wait to see what Zero has to say about it

  3. Quote Originally Posted by b unit View Post
    can't wait to see what Zero has to say about it
    I will convert Zero to the dark side if it's the last thing I ever do!

  4. Quote Originally Posted by jakellpet View Post
    I will convert Zero to the dark side if it's the last thing I ever do!
    send him some of your donkey porn, that should do it

  5. Quote Originally Posted by b unit View Post
    send him some of your donkey porn, that should do it
    ...and maybe a little Murr to get the party started



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