What would you have done?

[stxnas]

Background Info:
Just to give you an idea of where I stand with the person this is about - he's me cousin, was one of my groomsmen, and we usually hang out at least three weekends a month.

He is somewhat of an obnoxious drunk, but is pretty fun to hang out with until he hits a certain point. It's not uncommon for him to get a little touchy-feely with the ladies that he's around, but he's one of those guys that seems to just get away with it b/c "he's harmless." I'm sure you all know at least one of these guys, lol.

There's been more than one occasion in which I have had to make remarks to him along the lines of, "Hey, knock it off over there," or "Hey! That's my wife, don't make me come over there." He just does stupid **** like tickling or touching girls on the stomach or just above their asses on their lower backs. My wife has never said anything, so I've always left it at a stern comment and let it be.

Crossed the Line:
Last weekend I was with the obnoxious cousin, his brother, and my wife at a chill bar just hanging out. The bad drunk cousin is getting to that point again and keeps touching my wife's stomach for whatever reasons, but she's handling it herself and gets him to knock it off before I have to say anything. In her frustration she grabs a napkin a stuffs its in the back of his collar. He in turn grabs it and proceeds to stuff it down the front of her shirt, keeping in mind that this shirt is a v-neck cut. Before she can push his hand away he has already reached about the point between her cleavage where the the two cups of her bra meets as well as having pulled her shirt down some in the process.

Needless to say, my wife felt very uncomfortable and embarrassed. Despite her banging body, she is quite modest

My cousin walked away at this point, his brother's jaw was on the table, and my wife was visibly embarrassed/uncomfortable.

Keeping in mind what was said in the background info, what would you have done at this point?

 

[tattoopierced1]

I'd sit down and have a talk with him about his drinking. Tell him when he gets like that, he either needs to keep his hands to himself, or forgo drinking when around your wife. If he respects you at all, he will stop.

 

[Australian made]

I certainly know one or two of those guys...i think in my teenage years i was a little like that myself....just warn him. No need to be harsh about it but he certainly over stepped the mark and needs to be told to just calm down with his drinking. The thing is he probably knows it and tries to control it but once you hit that point of no return its all over even if you want to stop being a drunk jerk.

 

[stxnas]

You two are quite the gentlemen. He just stuck his hand down my wife's shirt and pulled it down past her cleavage in the middle of a bar.

I'm typically a mild mannered guy, so I understand where you guys are coming from...

 

[tattoopierced1]

LOL, you guys are a bunch of softies. He just stuck his hand down my wife's shirt and pulled it down past her cleavage in the middle of a bar.

I'm typically a mild mannered guy, so I understand where you guys are coming from...

dont get me wrong, my initial reaction would be to punch him in the face, but since he seems to have such a past with him and his family, you have to step back a minute and try and get the guy to fix it himself before becoming forceful.

 

[stxnas]

...reps to you two gentlemen for the feedback

I'll wait and see what a few others have to say before I finish the story....

 

[Australian made]

dont get me wrong, my initial reaction would be to punch him in the face, but since he seems to have such a past with him and his family, you have to step back a minute and try and get the guy to fix it himself before becoming forceful.

Exactly. I've had one or two friends do "inappropriate" things to gf's of mine. I think the morning after embarrassment gets them more then anything....actually, have you spoken to him since??

 

[stxnas]

I've had stuff like this happen with g/fs and it bother me, but nobody has ever done something like this to my wife.

I'll fill in all the blanks in a little bit, still want to hear more feedback. I will say that we spoke some that night, but not since then.

 

[manny1010]

By him walking away from the table after the incident, he obviously knew that he had crossed the line. Take him out for lunch/dinner, just the two of you and let him know once again, that he crossed the line and doesnt need to happen again. There has to a end to this bro. Drunk or not Drunk, I personally think (we) know exactly what we are doing, I mean especially with a cousins wife. Who does that? When it comes down to a family member crossing the line, I personally think that there is no excuse of being intoxicated or not. Sorry that you have to go through this bro. Wish you the best.

 

[RobInKuwait]

You two are quite the gentlemen. He just stuck his hand down my wife's shirt and pulled it down past her cleavage in the middle of a bar.

I'm typically a mild mannered guy, so I understand where you guys are coming from...

Are you bigger than him? I'd grab him by the ear and take him outside and have a heart to heart with him. Cousin or no cousin. The fact that he's your cousin makes it more disrespectful.

If you don't draw a line in the sand to him, he's going to keep crossing the line you have in your head.

 

[futurepilot]

How old are you guys?

When he's sober, and around other family members bring it back up, and make sure he knows its not acceptable behavior. That way the whole family will be on the same page, not you on your own "picking on" poor whatever your cousins name is.

Im sure you'll get the "it was just a joke dude"....it was'nt a joke because it wasnt funny.

I've had the same situation happen between me and my friends with my girlfriend, we're a close group of people and sometimes they get a little to familiar, then I just step up and they step down. i dont know how big you are compared to him, but your presence may be enough to deter another situation.

One final note you should have taken care of business right away and stood up for your wife instead of letting your creeepy cousin feel her up. I dont care if its stomach or shoulder, nobody touches my woman but me.

 

[RobInKuwait]

How old are you guys?

When he's sober, and around other family members bring it back up, and make sure he knows its not acceptable behavior. That way the whole family will be on the same page, not you on your own "picking on" poor whatever your cousins name is.

Im sure you'll get the "it was just a joke dude"....it was'nt a joke because it wasnt funny.

I've had the same situation happen between me and my friends with my girlfriend, we're a close group of people and sometimes they get a little to familiar, then I just step up and they step down. i dont know how big you are compared to him, but your presence may be enough to deter another situation.

One final note you should have taken care of business right away and stood up for your wife instead of letting your creeepy cousin feel her up. I dont care if its stomach or shoulder, nobody touches my woman but me.

:goodpost:

I agree, nip it in the butt before it get out of hand.

 

[stxnas]

We're pretty close to being the same size.

I can't remember if he's 22 or 23 and I'm 27.

I know that I didn't mention it, but I have casually brought up to him how he's "touchy feely", but I don't think I mentioned my wife in that conversation.

 

[RobInKuwait]

We're pretty close to being the same size.

I can't remember if he's 22 or 23 and I'm 27.

I know that I didn't mention it, but I have casually brought up to him how he's "touchy feely", but I don't think I mentioned my wife in that conversation.

Maybe try talking your brother or a friend and get them in on it. Plan it out ahead of time and have both of you guys forcefully talk to him the second he crosses that line.

Its not cute, its fricking BS and you need to let him know that on uncertain terms right when it happens.

 

[stxnas]

Keep in mind that I have not finished my story...

 

[manny1010]

"touchy feeling" or not. Thats not acceptable bro. First of all, there is not respect from his behalf to you. Second, he doesnt respect your your wife. Thirdly, he doest respect the marriage. Something has to be done and soon. If he realizes that he got away with this incident, Whats next?

 

[stxnas]

I'll let you guys know what happened now b/c people are starting to assume things. Give me a second and I'll start posting the rest of the night.

 

[manny1010]

Finish the story......

 

[stxnas]

When it initially happened my first reaction was to punch him in the face, but I didn't for a few obvious reasons. A little later we all decided to leave and I told my wife and my other cousin that I was going to talk to the offender when we got outside.

They walked ahead and went to the car and I confronted my cousin. I told him that what he did was not appropriate and disrespectful to my wife and me. I'm sure I was pretty harsh at this point b/c I was still very upset. He said something about how wasn't trying to get with my wife and had been talking about her sister all night.

 

[stxnas]

I've never INITIATED anything physical before, but for a split second I went black and I ****ing lost it. If it were an MMA match you could say that I judo tossed him in the grass and landed on top of him in the full guard.

 

[stxnas]

He reached up and grabbed my be the neck, so I did the same and pushed him back down so he would not be grabbing my neck anymore. In a very stern voice I told him that I was not going to hit him, but that if he ever disrespected my wife again I would beat his ass.

 

[stxnas]

At this point I snap out of it and realize that people are watching us, so I help him up and we begin to walk to the car, which is a couple of blocks away.

 

[manny1010]

I've never INITIATED anything physical before, but for a split second I went black and I ****ing lost it. If it were an MMA match you could say that I judo tossed him in the grass and landed on top of him in the full guard.

Well taken care of bro. Spouse comes before yourself and in this matter, you defened your wife the correct way regardless if family or not. :box:

 

[stxnas]

During our walk I apologize for being physical, but let him know that what he did was wrong. He just kept talking about how wasn't trying to steal my wife from me and that he had a crush on her sister.

 

[stxnas]

At this point I could see that it was useless to talk to him b/c, A) alcohol or B) he truly didn't think he did anything wrong, or C) both.

In my frustration, I walked back to the car. When he got back to the car, he realized that he didn't have his PDA phone. I went back to where we were in the grass and found his phone and we went home. He was a smart ass on the ride home and I just let him have at it. I apologized again for how I handled the situation, but also made it very clear that if it would have been anybody else, they would have eaten a fist immediately.

He never apologized and left pissed off.

 

[RobInKuwait]

During our walk I apologize for being physical, but let him know that what he did was wrong. He just kept talking about how wasn't trying to steal my wife from me and that he had a crush on her sister.

Good man!

MMA beatdown!

:bruce3:

 

[stxnas]

His brother has since called me and told me that he felt that I didn't do anything wrong and that an apology was owed to my wife and myself...and the brother has to be the nicest guy that I know.

I still feel bad that I got physical with him, but I'm also pissed that he put me in that situation and disrespected my wife the way that he did. /

 

[manny1010]

You did what had to be done. Move forward, now he (you obnoxious cousin) knows that if he crosses the line again, he has it coming.

 

[stxnas]

I'm actually left feeling very hurt by all of this. I'm sure his ego has suffered and I feel like it could have been handled differently, but at the same time I feel like I did what was necessary at the moment. Like I said, I've made non confrontational comments before, so this was not the first time I was in this situation.

It's a lose/lose situation all the way around.

 

[RobInKuwait]

I'm actually left feeling very hurt by all of this. I'm sure his ego has suffered and I feel like it could have been handled differently, but at the same time I feel like I did what was necessary at the moment. Like I said, I've made non confrontational comments before, so this was not the first time I was in this situation.

It's a lose/lose situation all the way around.

There's nothing saying you have to hang out with the guy. Maybe avoid him in social situations for awhile and let him confront you on it and deal with it from there? You were in the right. He needs to acknowledge that and agree to change his behavior in the future.

 

[B5150]

I am a recovering alcohol. The last time my brother and I had a fight he knocked me out. It breaks my heart still to this day to know that I hurt my little brother so much that he had no choice but to knock out his big brother.

My family stood by for years as my alcoholic behavior hurt me and others.

My brother and I have long since made amends yet I am still ashamed at the fact that I hurt him so bad that he would have to hurt me the way he did. I keep that memory close to my heart to keep me in check.

Your cousin is an alcoholic and your wife is not his first or last victim of various forms of alcoholic offenses. Have him seek some help for his drinking. I only wish someone would have intervened in my situation before the LE did.

 

[stxnas]

It's kind of weird. It's one of those situations where a lot people are probably thinking that I should have handled it slightly differently...but they understand :think:

EDIT: I didn't see B's post when I had made this post

 

[stxnas]

I am a recovering alcohol. The last time my brother and I had a fight he knocked me out. It breaks my heart still to this day to know that I hurt my little brother so much that he had no choice but to knock out his big brother.

My family stood by for years as my alcoholic behavior hurt me and others.

My brother and I have long since made amends yet I am still ashamed at the fact that I hurt him so bad that he would have to hurt me the way he did. I keep that memory close to my heart to keep me in check.

Your cousin is an alcoholic and your wife is not his first or last victim of various forms of alcoholic offenses. Have him seek some help for his drinking. I only wish someone would have intervened in my situation before the LE did.

I was hoping you would comment on this, but I had no idea that you were a recovering alcoholic.

Thank you for the insight and for sharing. I'm actually very timid about approaching him at this point b/c I feel like he thinks he did nothing wrong.

As stated earlier, I feel bad that I handled it that way, but at the same time I think I would do it again if put in that position.

 

[manny1010]

I'm actually left feeling very hurt by all of this. I'm sure his ego has suffered and I feel like it could have been handled differently, but at the same time I feel like I did what was necessary at the moment. Like I said, I've made non confrontational comments before, so this was not the first time I was in this situation.

It's a lose/lose situation all the way around.

Lose/Lose situation all the way around? Let step back for a sec. This is your wife he did this to. What about your wife's view? What if you had done nothing about it? How do you think your wife would of felt about her spouse? I am sorry bro but I disagree with you. I personally think its a Win/Win situation. 1st, because I am sure that in your wife's eyes, your are her shining armor. 2nd, your wife is proud of her man.

 

[stxnas]

I say it's lose/lose b/c, either way, somebody that I am close with is left feeling betrayed. Like I said, I would do it again if put in the same situation, but there are no winners walking away from this. While I respect your opinion, I humbly disagree that there is anyway to look at this as a positive situation.

I understand what you are saying b/c my wife comes first before anybody, including myself. It's almost as if we're arguing the same point, but have different perspectives of what the final outcome was.

 

[manny1010]

I understand bro. I know what you mean and how you feel. I was trying to void out of you the bad feeling. You are a very humble individual.

 

[B5150]

As stated earlier, I feel bad that I handled it that way, but at the same time I think I would do it again if put in that position.

When I came to realize that my little brother resorted to knocking my ass out I also came to realize I had a really bad problem. I know it broke his heart to do it because he loves me. I own the fact that my behavior was such that it justified his actions.

I'm just glad he loves me enough to ALSO forgive me.

Love him enough to encourage him to get help with his drinking. When he does he will then be able to see who and how he has hurt others by his behaviors. Not anytime sooner.

 

[Orangepeel]

Friends and family don't always see eye-to-eye, In my opinion i've seen a few of my friends, even them and their brother etc. either get into, or almost get into an all out brawl, but it seems like the day after when everyone sobers up, all's fine.

I think what you did probably needed to be done, sometimes you need to get physical to let the "harmless, funny, never serious" guy, know that you ARE serious, and he DID cross the line. Save the conversation for after he sobers up though, there's a good chance he doesn't even know what he saying while hes still drunk.

 

[Orangepeel]

I say it's lose/lose b/c, either way, somebody that I am close with is left feeling betrayed. Like I said, I would do it again if put in the same situation, but there are no winners walking away from this. While I respect your opinion, I humbly disagree that there is anyway to look at this as a positive situation.

I understand what you are saying b/c my wife comes first before anybody, including myself. It's almost as if we're arguing the same point, but have different perspectives of what the final outcome was.

I wouldn't feel betrayed if I were the cousin, not sure about him but I know sometimes, people, including myself can cross the line, knowingly or not, and when that point comes something needs to be done.

It's not like you sent the guy to the hospital, just got a little physical to let him know you were serious, I'm sure he will get over it.

 

[Big BAMA]

I agree with B and Stxnas. I will tell you this, I am also a recovering Alcoholic. You cousin needs help and until HE realizes it he won't get help. You know he is , Your wife does , his brother does, and the rest of your family does too.
In my case my family thought I would grow out of it. I wouldn't have if they had never come to me and told me the Azz I was. I have had to apologize too many times for things I said the alcohol did. I did those things knowing full and well they were wrong or inappropriate. The alcohol just made it easier.
He will be mad, hurt, project like he feels betrayed but he will be alive. If you love him let him know how you feel and let your family in on this. They all have a story they can tell I am sure.
Good Luck this is never an easy decision.

 

[bryan4980]

If it were me I would not hesitate to walk up behind him while his hand was in my wife's shirt crack him in the back of his head and ask him what in the f*** is wrong with him? I would them probably just leave with my wife and he is on his own. While he is figuring out how to get home he can think about what he did.

 

[Dadof2]

Here is my take on this situation.

First of all I do not blame you for what you did, it seems as though you practiced as much restraint as possible for as long as possible. The only thing I can say about your reaction is that you should have handled this sooner, because you probably wouldn't have had to get physical. Whether you realize it or not you had gotten progressively more angry over time and finally you redlined and let him have it.

That is enough for the past, now for the future.

It sounds as though you guys are close cousins. You have a lifetime of history, and this sounds like it is a relationship worth saving. Life is too short for people who care about each other to stay mad. The longer you guys don't deal with what happened, the harder it will be to get back on track.

Call him and tell him that you want to talk about what happened. Go somewhere where both of you can really vent, and let everything out there. Make sure that he understands that you didn't just kick his ass because you were in a bad mood one night. For all he knows you didn't mind his touchy feely ways with your wife, and you just took him down out of nowhere. Let him know that you were never cool with his actions, and that you tried to let them slide hoping that he would realize how inappropriate he was acting.

Tell him how his actions make you feel, how they make your wife feel, and how important it is that he stops. Let him know that you and your wife want to keep your relationship intact, and that there are no hard feelings.

 

[Manimalia]

your problem was your hesitation AND your anger overtaking your rationale. you needed to talk with him immediately, not confront him. when someone is in the wrong AND inebriated, one of two things will occur, and which one of the two depends on you and YOUR disposition. you can be angry and confront the person, which will likely get you nowhere, even with sober people ( most no one likes to admit they are wrong). or, you can simply tell the man how he's making you feel. and tell him respectfully, though you are angry. tell him "the Dale Carnegie way." the "Dale Carnegie way" is good for your whole life:

"You're my cousin. We're family. But that's besides the point. You're also my friend. And I respect you very much, as you respect me. And that means a lot to me. I know you respect me as I do you. But I gotta tell you something, something that leaves me a bit uncomfortable at times. It's not the fact that you touch her. I know my wife loves me as her husband and you as her family. But it just leaves me feeling emasculated, like I'm less of a man. I guess what I'm trying to tell you is, is that I feel it is one of my many duties as a husband to make sure no one touches my wife but me. I don't even want to get mad at you for it, though, cause I'm not about to have a barroom fight with my family. I just want you to remember that I respect you very much. And I know you respect me, too. So, in the future, make an honest effort to not do things like that. C'mon, let's go get another round."


***save the beatdowns for people you DON'T feel obligated to care about. like random people. you'll only bring confusion and further uncomfort into your own life by doing such things.

sorry to sound like a know-it-all. i just like to keep things smoooooooooooooooth in my life. i find this works best. but like i said, some random guy titgrabs your wife, yeah, you do what instinct tells you to do.

 

[Zero V]

I have had to deal with people close to me being retarded before...
I am a very kind person, and a christian. But in your situation, cousin or not, I would have at least given him a heck of a bloody nose.

Although you love him, these kinds DO NOT LEARN without repercussion. They have to stomp off pissed and defeated if they are to grow up, other wards they continue down the path they have chosen because no wall appears to alter that path. He needs to know that if he does A: disrespects your wife in a very immature and technically illegal way that he will get B: a trip in the ambulance to the hospital and a decent medical bill.

You could choose to help him out with the bill if you feel bad....

But people like that dont change, they have to be changed by others. He may be blood, but me still....He wont stop until he finds himself bloody from it.

Also teach him that if thats how he acts you will not hang out with him. Go to a different bar and dont tell him. Then all week rave about it. And do this every week for about a month, and let him know each time its because you cant trust him to show respect to you or your wife so you dont want him around.

TOUGH LOVE, you may even save his life.....he does to the wrong guys girl, he is going to end up with a .45 hole through his head.....if it were mine, the small things may pass if he was kin, but that last act you describe woulda got him at least a weeks worth of pain.

 

[Manimalia]

I agree with B and Stxnas. I will tell you this, I am also a recovering Alcoholic. You cousin needs help and until HE realizes it he won't get help. You know he is , Your wife does , his brother does, and the rest of your family does too.
In my case my family thought I would grow out of it. I wouldn't have if they had never come to me and told me the Azz I was. I have had to apologize too many times for things I said the alcohol did. I did those things knowing full and well they were wrong or inappropriate. The alcohol just made it easier.
He will be mad, hurt, project like he feels betrayed but he will be alive. If you love him let him know how you feel and let your family in on this. They all have a story they can tell I am sure.
Good Luck this is never an easy decision.

good post.

 

[raginfcktard]

i'd knock his drunk ass out...then talk to him when he's sober. if he gives you sh!t when he's sober...well then knock him out again!

 

[RoadBlocK]

I have nothing constructive to add, that hasnt already been posted by others already, and there have been a couple of really good responses, but I just want to say that you are a better man than I am, because I would have lost control long before you did, and in a much more embarrassing and detrimental way to both parties. Im alot older than both of you guys, so its not like Im a kid with an immature fly off the handle temper, but I guess I was just brought up in a different way, because I believe you dont put your hands on another mans wife like that, bottom line, family or not, drunk or not.

I do sincerely wish you the best in your attempts to salvage your relationship, since that seems like something you honestly want to do.

 

[manifesto]

I have nothing constructive to add, that hasnt already been posted by others already, and there have been a couple of really good responses, but I just want to say that you are a better man than I am, because I would have lost control long before you did, and in a much more embarrassing and detrimental way to both parties. Im alot older than both of you guys, so its not like Im a kid with an immature fly off the handle temper, but I guess I was just brought up in a different way, because I believe you dont put your hands on another mans wife like that, bottom line, family or not, drunk or not.

I do sincerely wish you the best in your attempts to salvage your relationship, since that seems like something you honestly want to do.

I agree...to be honest I think I would have completely flown off the handle...

 

[Fastone]

You obviously have strong family feelings for your cousin however, him being drunk is no excuse. I think in some respects the biggest problem may be that you allowed it to continue too long. Your cousin obviously has a problem with alcohol. You say he's harmless but unfortunately, that could quickly change depending on the situation. he also doesn't appear to realize the extent of his drinking problem. If he can't get it together maybe you shoudn't hang around him with your wife.

:bruce3:

 

[stxnas]

I don't see how I let it continue too long when I have stated that I have made comments to him before...granted, I was nice about it in the past.

...and thank you for everybody's feedback. As you can all tell, this situation has really been bothering me.