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  1. i was in bed with my current girlfriend bumpin uglies when i let out a loud and long shart. i decided it was the perfect opportunity to give her her first "dutch oven" (holding her under the sheets to bake in the filth air). any way... she's screaming and i'm laughing and then i feel wetness all over the place..... the ***** threw up all in my bed because of the shart.

  2. This story is from last week.

    I am taking a couple hundred grams of protein a day so my gas is horrendous. My buddy and I were on the way back to post after he had just gotten his windows tinted on his car. They told him he wasn't allowed to roll his windows down for three days lest he wanted to waste his $150. We had just gotten back onto post and I let one go that had been brewing for a while. It took a few seconds to escape my shorts but once it did my friend was pissed when he realized he couldn't get rid of the biological agents I realeased into the air. He decided to open the door and made me do the same. Coming toward us was an MP that took notice of the opened doors. As we passed he did a U-turn and pulled us over. My buddy got lucky that this guy was cool. We just returned from Iraq so he didn't have a valid insurance card either. We told the MP the whole story and he let him off with a warning and a suggestion to get another insurance card.

    My second story: also from last week

    I made my wife give herself dutch oven. You can do this too! I works awesome but, you can only do it once. We were laying in bed getting ready to go sleep when I let one out that burned my butthole. I then asked my wife if she thought I could hock a loogey while laying in bed and spit it out so hard that it stuck to the ceiling. She thought this was gross. I told he that I knew I could and was determined to try it out. I obnoxiously began trying to gather a big wad of phlegm. She dove under the covers out of fear of being covered in slime. She sure as hell wasn't under there very long! She rolled out of bed coughing and hollaring. I strongly urge everyone to try this!

  3. This reminds me of my experience with a significant other in bed...and protein farts. I ripped one. It was one of those that you know is going to stink before it even gets out. It was so rancid that it woke her up. She just looked around and was like, "Oh my god, what is that smell?" She knew what it was right away because I couldn't stop laughing.

  4. I was at a gym some years ago and there was this hideous looking woman occupying a significant portion of the scarce floor space for herself and her dance routine gear including cheesy boom box. You know the type I mean, they go to the gym and think that being there causes fat loss. Anyhow, she's doing some crazy dance numbers like Brittany Spears stuff and its so distrubing that as soon as my eyes wander anywhere near her I have to speed them up to pass her and look at something else. Come to think of it, I think she was blaring some Spears stuff from her boombox too. I don't even have the words to describe this experience. Surreal if anything. Definately not sexy. So I'm doing some bicep curls and suddenly she starts trying to pick me up. I don't think I've ever played so dumb in my life. Anyhow, after some time, she realizes nothing is happening and storms out of the gym with her junk. I don't recall per say, but I might have showered twice after I finished.

  5. I was at basketball camp a few summers back when i first got into lifting and protein shakes. Well i woke up late that morning so i downed a double dose of protein and headed out the door b/c being late meant laps for an hour.

    I get there in the nick of time and my stomach... killing. We are running suicides and on about the 3rd set i couldnt handle it anymore and let a fart rip... or so i thought. It was one of those really hot... wet farts... liquid **** ran down my leg and when i finished my set i ran straight to the bathroom, tried to clean up... so for the rest of the day I played basketball in **** crusted gym shorts... needless to say nobody would D up on me, so i looked pretty damn good


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