FORMER AN Board Rep back...
- 05-20-2010, 06:35 PM
FORMER AN Board Rep back...
Well, first off, let me just tell anyone that reads this that AN is one heck of a class-act and thats with every person in the company. I've managed to keep in touch a little bit over the past year or so, but due to some serious personal issues, I was no longer able to be a rep and I havent posted on this board in such a long time, Ive forgotten what its like. I've have been reading on AM regularly and trying to keep up as I used to do.
Well, I got married and as a result of our relocation, I took a big pay cut and left every person I knew behind. I was literally living in North Augusta, SC one saturday morning and living in Charlotte, NC late that night. Now, I will tell you that leaving behind my training partner of 12 years and possibly my best friend was very difficult. He was and will always be like a father to me. I've trained exlusively with him my entire life up until I left for Charlotte. We trained in his little garage we call "the steel dungeon" or "house of pain". Missing those workouts and all the rest of my friends and family left me in a deep depression. Well, my prayers and hopes were that when my pregnant wife had my first child, a little boy, things would change. Well, they did, but not all positively. I did finally realize what it means be a father and what a fathers love feels like. I loved holding him and seeing myself in him and watching him grow. It was amazing, but it did not help the situation with my wife and I. Eventually, the stress of bills, our new responsiblities, and my depression over missing the rest of my family took over and we split up. I got my son on the weekends when I could, and luckily got a job back in my home town pretty quickly.
TRAGEDY AT ITS WORST
Well, I wont go into crazy detail and tell all the events of what, when, and where, but I just want people to know its much worse than what Im about to write. On Jan 24, 2010, my six month old son, perfectly healthy and happy, was murdered by my by ex's boyfriend. He shook my son to death and before anyone thinks he may be innocent, he's already admitted to killing my child on purpose. When I got to Charlotte, my son was almost gone and had 3 inches of brain swelling with 7 tubes going through his body including one from in his brain from the emergency surgery. He passed away at around 5 that day and I was informed of how it happened about 30 minutes before that. Right now, I weigh 261 pounds and I've either powerlifting or bodybuilding for 12 years and training MMA for about 5 now. The murderer is about 5'5 and weighs 130lbs and is an illegal immigrant. I believe in God and, as much as I wanted to find some way to get him while he's in jail, I didnt try. Id be lying if I said I didnt think about ripping him apart and making him suffer much much more than my little boy did. However, my mother would then lose a son and it wouldnt bring back my little boy.
Well, the murderer is in jail and he wont be out anytime soon. However, the case will take quite a while to actually happen, so while I try to forget how my son died, its hard until all of this over. For about 6 weeks, I just didnt want to live. I had fits of rage, crying violently, and no desire to workout or anything. I couldnt go in grocery stores, bcuz I might see an infant. I watched the videos and the funerals over and over. It ate me up inside and I began to do any and everything that would help me escape from reality. About 2 months ago though, I decided that I would end up dying from this if I kept going as I was, so I asked myself "Do you want to live or die?". Not for me, but for my family, I decided to live. I've been to church every Sunday since. I've been going to counseling every wednesday for one hour since. Although Id managed a few workouts, I back to my routine now. I can say that I might be a tiny bit better at this time. Im a little more active and I've started talking and being myslef a little more. However, I did manage to lose my job, lose my car (2002 SS CAMARO, which I loved), get very deep in debt, and lose my insurance which is very important since Im on several med's for my anxiety and depression.
With tears pouring down my eyes and it being the first time Ive cried in public, I tell all of you what I told everyone at the funeral when I made my speech. The next time your child cries, gets in trouble, or does something thats just totally unforgiveable, be patient and forgive them. Dont take one single moment for granted. I know how fast life goes by and I know how stressful it is to work, pay the bills, take care of the family, and try to find a little time for a lifestyle or hobby like bodybuilding. But see, there's all kinds of wakeup calls. For me, Ill never fully recover. I hope that just one of the few that read this will take my words very seriously. I'd die for one more hour with my baby boy, or one giggle, or even a diaper change. If this were me 3 years ago, I would disregard this whole thread, but Im hoping a few of you wont. Spend every moment like its your last. Love with everything you've got. And last but not least, if you're lucky enough to have children, remember that God gave you a gift, not a problem or a stress or anything negative. Its a GIFT, PERIOD.
Well guys, Im getting back on track and Im gonna be on here posting again, so thanks for reading it and if anybody needs anything, please just ask me or pm me. Im really happy to be back. Take care everybody
- 05-20-2010, 06:42 PM
I honestly have started at this for a good 5 minutes trying to put together a response that would have some how made you feel alittle better or help alleviate the depression. But no matter how I feel for you, I cant fathom what you have gone through. I am very sorry to hear of your loss, and welcome you back to the boards.
Good luck with everything man.
05-21-2010, 01:13 AM
You sir are a strong man, I would have killed that dude, that is just too much for me, may God bless you for your mercy over that man's life. I always remember that verse in the bible that talks about how it is better to be in the hands of God than the hands of man, because God is merciful and man is not.
doing my own thang!
05-22-2010, 05:02 PM
Thanks to both of you and to all that sent me pms. Im very happy to be back on the board posting and interacting again. Ive always been a fighter and this just so happens to be my biggest, toughest fight. I believe I can make it, but Ive stopped being so hardheaded and independent, and finally realized that I need help with this thing. Also, getting back to my normal gym, eating, supplementation (etc...) routines and anything that will keep me busy and productive really seems to help. I've a new perspective on life now and Im definately back to stay. Thanks again and Ill be talking with you soon.
05-23-2010, 04:44 PM
You are an extremely strong person, god is with you. I can't imagine the pain you've been through and how you have dealt with it. Good to see you back.
PM me with any order questions and concerns
05-24-2010, 02:35 PM
Wow....in all my years on being on this forum, no one has ever worn there heart on there sleeve like you do my new friend and to me that's a sign of someone with character and a good heart, you truly are an inspiration to all and I will keep my thoughts in prayers for your health and longevity....And also it's great to have you back with Applied, they are a great group of people and I'm sure you know that
05-24-2010, 02:38 PM
05-24-2010, 08:54 PM
05-24-2010, 09:35 PM
The closest i've come to anything like this was a miscarriage at 19 weeks pregnant, and I know its nothing close. You are doing the right thing now, get back involved in the things that do have meaning for you. It won't likely ever go away but it doesn't always have to be a weight on your shoulders either.
this pic is of my whole family
The dog is mine, theres a tiny urn inside him with the ashes of the baby from the miscarriage. I take him on vacations and sometimes other trips with us.
06-01-2010, 05:02 PM
06-02-2010, 01:20 PM
Again, thanks to everybody that replied. Just getting it out there and talking about it has helped a ton. The fact so many people are willing to take time to read a thread about a "nonbodybuilding" issue and comment with positive posts is very helpful. I'd guess that all of you would be shocked if you knew just how much one kind post can take my mood from 0 to happy. Thank you so much and just so you know, Im starting my 12 week summer cut and I'll do one of my nice, tidy logs if anybody wants to see the progress, just check out the main forum. Im feeling more motivated this year than I have in a long time. It just feels like a good way to focus all this pain and anger and sadness into something positive.
Also, to EasyEJL, you've got a beautiful family and Im sorry for your loss as well. I actually have my sons ashes and I was thinking of putting a small amount into a necklace thats waterproof, and that is made especially for that. The funeral home has offered to place the ashes, so I just need to buy the necklace I want. However, now that you've mentioned the idea of putting them into a small urn and placing them in a stuffed animal, I may go that route. I hadnt thought of that, but I like the idea for sure. My little boy will be deep within my soul and close to my heart and mind forever, but it's nice to have little keepsakes, so, like you said, he can come with you at times. I never thought I'd be typing on AnabolicMinds and crying and definately not admitting it, but I am. For all my lifting, eating, supplementation, MMA training, I still had no way to protect him. When I first held him at birth, he just stopped crying, and looked dead in my eyes. I cried like a like a little girl. I whispered to him that now I knew what "real love" and "its a different type of love" truly meant. I also said "Lil buddy, I cant promise that ill be perfect, but I promise Ill always give it my all to be the daddy you deserve and I swear I wont ever let anyone or anything hurt you". Well, as he life ended and I held him in that hospital room with so many people around, crying and praying, I just said "London, Im so sorry for letting you down. I should've been there. I should've saved you somehow, someway." After the room cleared and all that remained was me and my deceased son, I just asked him to forgive me and I told him that I'd see him again one day. I really didnt even know why I was typing all that until just now, after I finished. I really think that the main reason I've held on and not honestly tried to kill the murderer is because I know that my main goal is to see my baby again. As time has went by, and I've started to talk about things and go to church and meet with my counseler, (who lost a daughter at birth 30 days before my tragedy), I've began to understand that it's probably not my fault. All logic points to the fact that he had time with me and he had time with his mother 3 hours away, so there's no way I couldve stopped him from being left with such a careless person. The guy had no record at all and had babysit several times before for my ex. As much as all that logic helps, man, its really hard to not blame myself. I guess its like my pastor told me, "You're so emotional, so hurt, so mad, so devastated, that you need a reason, an answer. The truth is though, there's no explaining something like this and no reason for 'what if?'s. You will literally kill yourself searching and asking, so if you want to make it, you've got to just move forward. I know it seems impossible and Id never say to try to forget, but you must put your life in Gods hands and do everything possible to be positive and truthful with your feelings." Well, with his comments and help, and with all of you guys, Im starting to believe again, so thank you. Ill post some pics on here soon of my baby boy and also of the "shrine" I've made for him in my gym (which is a garage with tons of free weights and benches). Well, to everybody that reads all that and all that have posted, thank you from the bottom of my heart.
06-02-2010, 07:46 PM
No problem man, it takes a real man to come on here and write about the stuff you have.
PM me with any order questions and concerns
06-02-2010, 08:01 PM
woah... thats quite the story.
I dont have much to say or cant even relate, sorry to hear about it all man.
if something like that happened to me Id have a hard time keeping faith, thats for sure.
Serious Nutrition Solutions
06-07-2010, 07:21 PM
06-07-2010, 09:01 PM
My prayers are with you friend. Feel most welcome I'd you need to talk to contact me. I am deeply sorry for your loss.
07-27-2010, 06:15 AM
I am at a loss for words. This took more strength than I could ever muster. You truly have a will of iron my friend and I wish that only the best things in life come your way form this point on. If something like this were to happen to my daughter I know I would not be able to pull myself out like you. The fact that you were able to pull together and get your life on track again makes you one of my heros and should be an inspiration to all.
09-10-2010, 10:49 PM
i never commented on this because i just have no words, holy **** brosef
u are one strong willed person, i have a 6 month old daughter and I would kill the person that harmed her then i would kill that persons family and friends lol
seriously bro shoot us all an email
toes-on-the-nose.blogspot.com Deployed blogging
09-11-2010, 02:10 AM
09-11-2010, 04:27 AM
09-13-2010, 07:13 PM
Much luv brother, i know about depression, been battling it for years. Its not fun. Im sorry to hear about your loss as I have 5 children. I pray for your strength and your well being.
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