Striving for perfection

Gainaddict

Gainaddict

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I'm going to do this for me as motivation. If you saw my last log and recent posts you'll know I had some weird stuff going on in me but it's settled down and there are only a few uncomfortable things going on now so hopefully it's getting better.
About 16 months ago I was in great shape but had an unexpected trip to the hospital and then was very sick and bed ridden for about three months, dropped down to 128lbs. But I got back on the horse as soon as I could and ever since then I've been doing my best. I started out in the gym cause I got tired of being picked up and tossed into lockers but now I do it cause it's all I really know how to do to relieve stress. I love the gym and have many friends there now.
I go in and out of minor episodes of depression, motivation is never there but I like to think dedication will prevail and when the day comes where I'm motivated and happy again I'll be ready to perform my best and compete. Till then I keep telling myself suck it up, you've got it good.

Stats: 5ft 8in
Age: 20
Bench max: 245lbs 1rep, 225 3rep
Squat: 235lbs 3 rep
Deadlift: 415lbs all time best, currently I do 315lbs for 6 reps
Weight: 160lbs, waist 29in
Occupation: surveyor (non licensed) and foreman
Goal: compete in a men's physique competition or be happy with my body


Tonight I traveled 4hrs north to my home town to see old friends and get a workout in. Did chest.

Bench press: 135lbs x 12, 155lbs x 10, 175 x 8, 205 x 6, 225x 3, 245 x1, 225 x 2, 195lbs x 6, 175 x 5, 135 x 5

Incline DB: 55lb x 12, 55lb x 10, 60lb x 8, 55lb x 8, 45lb x 14

Extensions super settled with rope pull downs, we did 5 sets of 12 reps each And only rested after the 4th set.

Pec fly machine: 40lb x 26, 60lb x 12, 70lb x 8

I was all gassed out after that so I made a protein shake with a banana in it and also had a bag of rice (84g carbs in the rice, 44g protein in the shake plus carbs from banana)

I would like to hit chest again on Friday. Tomorrow will be back and arms. Thursday will be legs. Saturday I may do arms again also. I had a 3 week deload if that is what you want to call it, in reality I was rather depressed and only got to the gym one or two times a week but last week I went 3 times and this week I want to hit it hard again.
 
puccah8808

puccah8808

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In on this one! You look great!
 
Gainaddict

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Didn't have much time tonight but it felt good.

Lat pull downs: 70lb x 14, 90lb x 10, 110lb x 5, 80lb x 10

Shoulder press: 60lb x 16, 80x 12, 90x 8

DB Alternating curls: 35lb x 7 , 40lb x 5, 30lb x 6

Db Concentration curl: 30lb x 12, 35lb 8, 35lb x 7

T-bar rows, front plate loaded: 70lb x 12, 90lb x 10, 115lb x 4, 115lb x 4

Hammer machine ISO pull down machine (not sure even how to describe this thing lol): 70lb x 12, 90lb x 8, 90lb x 6

Had to slam a shake real quick and run across the street to the movie theater from there to meet up with some friends.
Gave in to some burgers at a local burger joint after the movie. 3/4lb burger with BBQ sauce and German slaw on it with fries and a chocolate shake (God knows how many calories that was)
 
Gainaddict

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Breakfast: 2 big left over chicken breast (not sure on weight) with 3 servings of peas not sure of total macros

Lunch: 8.4oz of baked coconut shrimp and 3tbsp of pineapple mango chutney. Roughy 25g protein and 45g carbs, 25g fat.

Should be hungry in like an hour and eat a bunch more.
 
Gainaddict

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Well the four hour drive home turned into 6 because of a chemical spill and road construction....yay me.
So all hopes of a productive day went down the pooper. With it came a poor decision to eat a chicken sandwich, burger, 2 crispedoos, an XL kit cat bar, a 44oz cherry Pepsi and chips. I haven't eaten junk food like this in ages and my body rejected this "food" like the poison. I don't have a gall bladder so let's just say 3/4 a bottle of pepto later I'm doing good. Tomorrow's workout needs to undo this crappy binge on crap food.
Good news is I'm back home with my loving (hormonal) girlfriend who's due in 9 weeks so hopefully she keeps me motivated like she has been doing these last few weeks. Another positive aspect is I can't eat the tasty junk food in my apartment because she eats it all before I get a chance to. She calls it "cravings" but I call BS lol, girl weighed 103lbs when she was only a month along and she eats all day and sleeps all day and night and she doesn't gain any fat. Pregnancy is crazy.
 
Gainaddict

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Started off the day better today
Breakfast was 9oz chicken breast and 2 servings long grain rice
Lunch was 12oz chicken breast and 2 servings of white cheddar pasta
Pre workout was 2 cups of milk, half pound of turkey breast, two slices of cheese and a couple pieces of pineapple.
Workout today was simply stair mill and lunges, GF wore my legs out last night lol.
Post workout was 2 scoops of Select protein (snicker doodle) and a banana.
Heating up the rest of the pasta as I type this.
I've also started today with Slin Sane, I'm taking 2 capsules 10-15min before every meal today since everything is so carb heavy today. I'd like to carb load and get my muscles full again and then drop carbs very gradually.
Goal here is to lean bulk
 
Gainaddict

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Made chicken salad with 8oz of chicken breast, barely any mayo and a bunch of peppers. Also had a nature valley protein bar.
I feel as though all I did today was eat yet I'm still hungry. I've always been able to eat non stop but have never really been very hungry (if that makes any sense at all lol). I've been super hungry the last two/three weeks so maybe this is a sign my body wants to grow a bit and fill out. Been laid off for two weeks now so the whole zero cash coming in thing makes me not want to blow money on excessive amounts of food. Especially since my GF is pregnant I want to make sure she's always eating and feeling good. Here lately she's been craving these dang smoothies from a local place here in town, makes her happy and that little ninja in her stop kicking for awhile so that makes me happy even if it cost $20 a week lol.

If anyone reading this has any good smoothies they like making let me know. I have the place add whey protein in her shake too so I don't see why I couldn't just make these myself and add in some whey protein also.
 
puccah8808

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Made chicken salad with 8oz of chicken breast, barely any mayo and a bunch of peppers. Also had a nature valley protein bar. I feel as though all I did today was eat yet I'm still hungry. I've always been able to eat non stop but have never really been very hungry (if that makes any sense at all lol). I've been super hungry the last two/three weeks so maybe this is a sign my body wants to grow a bit and fill out. Been laid off for two weeks now so the whole zero cash coming in thing makes me not want to blow money on excessive amounts of food. Especially since my GF is pregnant I want to make sure she's always eating and feeling good. Here lately she's been craving these dang smoothies from a local place here in town, makes her happy and that little ninja in her stop kicking for awhile so that makes me happy even if it cost $20 a week lol. If anyone reading this has any good smoothies they like making let me know. I have the place add whey protein in her shake too so I don't see why I couldn't just make these myself and add in some whey protein also.
Sooooo yum! I use avocado as a substitute for mayo.
 
puccah8808

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avocado maybe the most repulsive thing on this planet that is a food to me...well besides celery
Lol, I didn't like it until a few years ago. Cooked celery makes me barf and I don't know why people like asparagus or artichokes. Blah...
 
Gainaddict

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So yesterday I hit my macros decently, 190 protein, 400 carbs and 50 fat. I'd like to get those carbs up though. Today so far I've hit 120g protein, 50 carbs and 30g fat. Good start for me, I'm usually not likely to get that much protein before 8pm and then I'll eat my more protein dense foods like chicken.
 
Gainaddict

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Thawed out 6lbs of lean ground deer meat for this week. Got some garden veggies that where canned and lots of potatoes. I plan to make this week great as far as my diet and training go and just strive to keep improving. I was busy today and outside shooting clay and pattering a shotgun but I still packed three small snacks of rice, potatoes, ground beef and veggies/peppers. So all in all I'm doing better. I think that last spell of depression has left for gold and I'm very happy now and full of energy. My peers say they can tell I've got some type of spark back in my life. So here's to a good next few months of prep work so I look awesome this summer!
 
Gainaddict

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Been struggling with emotions, ready for this roller coaster of emotion to end. Can't help but stare at the food and meals i have pre made but I'm too depressed to get up and get it but I'm crazy hungry. And cause I'm that pathetic it makes me more depressed I can't just get up and do something for myself. Maybe my dream of competing is just some crap I made up to convince myself I'm good enough.
Decreasing bank account size and increasingly pregnant gf.
 
puccah8808

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Been struggling with emotions, ready for this roller coaster of emotion to end. Can't help but stare at the food and meals i have pre made but I'm too depressed to get up and get it but I'm crazy hungry. And cause I'm that pathetic it makes me more depressed I can't just get up and do something for myself. Maybe my dream of competing is just some crap I made up to convince myself I'm good enough. Decreasing bank account size and increasingly pregnant gf.
I'm sorry to hear that. Just hold on tight. Everything will get better. :)
 
Matthew1237

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For sure bud. Don't worry. Watch some Zyzz. You could be an unaesthetic loser. Eat your meals. Hardwork. Dedication. Rinse - lather in protein - repeat. Best thing to do to stop depression is corrective thinking. Think happy - of course you can't always - but when you notice negative thoughts - throw in a good one. It's good for you.

Also avocados make me think "you are natures butter" every time I eat them.
 

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Good stuff man. I have been through some stuff myself and I can relate to your situation. Was always in good shape, played sports my whole life and trained. I went away to college and was fine for a year then depression and anxiety started getting really bad. I got real sick and dropped down to about 130 pounds. Got the helped I needed and started hitting the weights again about two years ago and am up to 195 lbs now. Comforting to know there are other people experiencing similar things. Just keep fighting, take a day at a time and do what makes you happy. Train as hard as you can and try your best that is all you can do. One day at a time! You look good.
 
Gainaddict

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Sorry for the late reply guys, I got a new phone and had to figure out how to get AM to work on it lol
 
Gainaddict

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All has been well, been a lot of drama this week but it will turn out for the better.
Motivation is so-so but my determination is high. I forced down most every meal this week and ended up eating about 2lbs of deer meat I harvested from last year and I mixed it with brown rice and some homemade salsa. Workouts I am sad to say haven't happened yet but hopefully today I'll get a good lift in. Been busy with my gf, she started seeing a new therapist and some more doctors so I've been busy looking after her. It's been a tough year but in a few weeks I fear it will get harder when she gives birth and the baby goes to its adoptive family (baby is from an assult).
 
puccah8808

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Omg, I can't imagine what you two are going through. *prayers*
 
Gainaddict

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It's been hard at times. Honestly dealing with it isn't that bad because of how much the therapy has helped and how crazy strong she is but what triggers a lot is when we try to watch a TV show or movie and if there's a scene with a mother and her child or someone talking about child birth or something about rape then all the emotions come flooding back. We both love game of thrones but it seems like 1 in 5 episodes causes painful flashbacks, ptsd is no joke.
She's strong though and we are getting through this one day at a time. She's 21 and I am 20
 
puccah8808

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I'm so sorry. You're an amazing bf!!!
 
Gainaddict

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Well she's had her smoothie and is resting now so I'm going to try to get a quick lift in since the gym is just down the road. Hopefully it doesn't suck, I haven't lifted all week and barely got over my maintenence calories.
 
Gainaddict

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on my way out I saw she left a note. Idk if it's for her or me but got me all choked up. Alright time to clear the throat and go lift heavy things
 
puccah8808

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Awww, so beautiful!
 
kenpoengineer

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Best of luck.
 
Gainaddict

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Lift was not bad, It improved my mood though. Hit chest with tons of volume but not a whole lot of weight.
Hit 6 sets of flat bench for 12-14 reps
Incline bench aimed very high, 5 sets of 8 and a 6th set of 6 reps with a few partial reps.
I did a superset of rope pull downs with pushup just back and forth very fash with no breaks. Reps somewhere between 8-15
DB curls 30lb x 12, 35lb x 7, 35lb x 6, 40lb x 4
Machine overhead press 5 sets, slow reps focusing on shoulder activation, 5 reps of 18-22
Lat pull down 3 sets of 8 focusing on my back getting fully contracted. Only used 70lbs but the contractions felt awesome.

Nothing crazy but feels good to get a lift in.
 
Gainaddict

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Today went good. Diet was good and on point and I woke up happy and so did my girl. Turned out bad for awhile though because we where fooling around and she grabbed the new bottle of lube and it turns out she can't use that kind because it burns the absolute hell out of her lady parts. So that fun sexy activity was ruined lol.
 
Gainaddict

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Worked out last night and did basically the same workout I did last time except I hit leg extensions, leg curls and calf raises.
Food has been up yesterday and today so far I've been eating 3/4lb turkey sliced breast on oat nut bread as often as I can shove it down. I'm going to begin packing rice and deer meat again so I can slowly build back up to a lean bulk. Lean bulk has always been my goal but I've strayed away from my macros and healthy meals so I know I keep saying to others and on here that this week is the week but I'm truly trying to stay in the gym as many days as possible with as much intensity and get as much protein and healthy grains as possible. When my carbs jump up and stay good for a week or two my muscles really fill up and I start looking so much better. So hopefully the combo of slin-sane and the carbs will be the ticket to filling my muscles back up.

Was at the doc yesterday and he gave me some med to take twice a day for strrss. Seems all the weird stuff going on in my body has been from the stress going on, this past week I had crazy bad migraines so hopefully this stuff works. I've always HATED meds but I'm giving it a try and will see the doc again in 4 weeks.
 
Gainaddict

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Cooked some freshly ground deer meat up, also 3 cups (dry) of brown rice. Ended up being a crap ton of rice but I dumped more than I intended to into the pot lol. The meals I put into Tupperware containers and threw in the fridge. Protein is roughly 60g and carbs are 70g. I have two that size and then I made out the rest to be half of that. My goals with this is to eat them as often as I can between my main meals. There's 22g protein in 3oz lean deer meat so there's a crap ton of potential gains here. I cooked 1.5lbs of deer meat just now so hopefully this and some intensity will get me to blow up.
Worked started again today and rather than sit back in my truck doing paperwork and math I jumped down in the ditch and helped the crew. Shoveling and smashing for 6hrs will get you sore lol. After that I chilled in my truck till my day ended a few hours later.
 
Gainaddict

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Energy and mood is back where it should be. I think shoving this protein and carbs back in my system helped a lot. Anxiety is down and I'm sleeping easy. I think the doc actually came through and helped me out with this new prescription. Imma get cleaned up and get my food and then hit the gym and let ya'll know how I do. I need a good back day and some time on the stair mill
 
Gainaddict

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Not sure what it was but today my mind-muscle connection was really on. I can honestly say every rep counted today. Lat pull downs felt especially good, I ended up doing 7 sets because the contraction was insane. Went from the gym strait to my favorite place to grab lunch from and got a killer Flatbread with fresh cut peppers, lettuce 8oz grilled chicken, homemade light ranch, and some onion and I also got a yogurt shake from them with 20g whey protein in it. That's my kind of post workout meal right there. Best part is I'll be hungry in another hour and can keep on downing food and priming myself for the next workout.
 
Gainaddict

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Downloaded all my stuff off of icloud to my new Note 4 and saw this old progress pic of myself, back then I weighed 140 if I was stuffed with food. This week's doctors appointment I weighed in at 161 but I had my boots and work stuff on so that's probably 5lbs.

 
Gainaddict

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Did some fasted cardio this morning, just had some nuts when I woke up. Followed it up with a PES Select shake and a nature valley protein bar (not for the protein but for the sugars and it's delicious). Now for some real food
 
Gainaddict

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Feel like in the last couple weeks I've put on quite a bit of pudgyness on my stomach. Not liking it at all. I suppose laying around depressed and eating nothing but fast food can quickly add on extra fat. Oh well, this week was a good week and if I keep this up and add in the cardio and workouts I'll see some real progress real quick.
 
Gainaddict

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Well this week has been busy so far. Want to hit the gym but legit don't have time so far. I worked from 6am till 8pm last night and Monday worked from 6am till 5:30 and had to help my gf out with some stuff. Hopefully tonight I'll have free time or something. Who knows.
 
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Busy week, did an insane amount of hiking at work when I was out surveying. Today I was moving heavy crap for my dad and stepmonster into their new home so I for sure got my back workout in todsy. Never hit the gym but I've traveled back to Missouri for Easter and I'll get to hit the gym tomorrow with my old buddies. Hopefully it's a great lift.
Weighed in at 161 today. Diet has somehow managed to stay up and good.
 
Gainaddict

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Tons of food this weekend. Non stop meat fest basically. Just got back from the gym, did some arms and cardio.
Preacher curls, concentration curls and standing DB curls for bicep and rope pull down, over hand and under hand bar push downs, dips and pushup for tri's. Stair mill for 20min afterwords. The cardio is was killed me. I've never been this short of breath and I guess one might say out of shape in my entire life. Weird being out of breath in the gym. But the mind to muscle thing was on again and I got great pumps and great reps in so I'll hit it again Tuesday with chest.
 
Gainaddict

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Week was busy, spring times means jobs sites are very active and there's much to survey. Been put in charge of running a crew from now on and I'm moving into a bigger apartment next week. Things are looking up. Diet stayed great this week. Did 20-30min of stair mill after each day of work this week and followed it up with high rep sets of the core lifts. Like Tuesday I hit back and did deads, BB rows, and lat pull downs and then yesterday hit chest and did flat and incline bench followed by some arm stuff and today did leg machines and very light squats. My feet have been rather painful, being laid off for so long has gotten my feet back to nornal. Now that I'm wearing steel toed boots 5 days a week for 10-13 hours a day my feet have to get re-use to it. I fear I won't be able to keep doing stair mill or deads/squats next week if my feet don't get any better.
Gf is doing great btw, extremely swollen up but great, may 11 is the due date.
 
Gainaddict

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Next week I'd like to go back to my regular long full workouts I've found to do me the most good but this week I've only been able to swing quick lifts. Weight dropped a bit from last week to this week, I think I sweat out and worked off some water or something because I'm much more vascular like I usually am. Stomach still feels pudgy though.
 
Gainaddict

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No lifts this weekend. I'm so drained. Worked from 6am till 9pm today. Honestly didn't eat like I should have because I didn't pack enough food. Ate breakfast and lunch and a snack with a protein shake. It's 10pm right now and I'm eating some pork, liver, and rice, drinking half a glass of my favorite wine and passing out.
If you're into wine look for Ghost Pines brand, I don't believe they make anything other than reds but I may be wrong. Anyhow it's hands down my favorite and I've drank about a bottle every 2 weeks for the past year and a half.
 
Gainaddict

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Well haven't lifted at all. Zero. I've eaten like absolute junk. When I do eat it's crap.
Work has been stressful with the number of hours I've been working which is 50 minimum now. My hours get shaved off and I get screwed out of pay. My girlfriend is 3 weeks out and legit her whole body is soooo swole is insane I'm scared she's going to pop. Stress stuff with my family too going on and medical stuff.

What's depressing is I'm a guy who grew up proud that I could just pick myself up and others and carry on and come out on top. I'm not sure what the heck happened this last year but it depressed me when I realize nearly everything I say anymore is something negative going on in my life. I've seemed to loose all motivation both in my personal life and at work. Haven't gone to church lately eaither. Doc gave me meds 4 weeks ago or so for stress and they worked for about a week but then it made me anxious and I've never had anxiety before so that was horrible. Got blood drawn today to check my thyroid, kidney, and testosterone. Not sure if I want the doc to say "yea you're great " because then I'll feel I've done all this to myself and I'd feel like I could be stage ready and a year more ahead than I am now or do I wish to hear doc say "man your levels suck". If they suck then what do I do? Trt at 20? I may as well just give up physique dreams and try to stay in shape.
I just did some pushups....emphasis on some....and my wrist hurt like absolute hell and I could catch my breath. I have a bad feeling this whole "striving for perfection" is quickly becoming "striving to feel normal again".

I'll post my levels for ya'll when I get the chance. Doubt anyone reads this depressing log lol but if so keep my beautiful girlfriend in prayers as she is due anytime now.
 
Gainaddict

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Well looks like my testosterone levels are 304. Doc says it's not that bad and not to sweat it. I'm 20 years old and crazy active but apparently 304 is a good test level for me.
 

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