Being harsh with a friend? (Weight)
- 04-17-2018, 04:17 AM
Being harsh with a friend? (Weight)
Has anyone been in this situation? I keep very friendly with a girl who was part of my old job. I left that place but remained very close with her (Shes partnered btw) but i got on very well with her. Good personality and an all round good person.
The problem is... Shes 5ft8 and around the 19 stone marker.(Morbidly Obese in BMI terms) She tried to diet around 1.5 year ago and shifted about 2.5 stone and seemed to be in the driving seat with the diet. But.... She just says one day im gonna take a small break. Well that break turned into a marathon binge it was almost like she was making up for any losses. Sweets galore. She piled 3 stone+ back on in such a small time frame. I was actually quite angry with her.. I says 3 months of a diet and you f*ck it up ?
Fast forward to now and shes put even more on.. Shes well into the 19 stone marker.. Last week i was out and noticed on her these red blotches all around her neck (She was trying to hide them with clothes but i still made them out) i says.. Whats that? Shes like oh its nothing. I says.. Nothing? Thats not nothing.. your blood pressure an issue? She eventually admitted it and her blood pressure was so bad she had doubled up on a high dose of blood pressure meds. I thought to myself dont be too harsh but explain to this lassie the realitys. I says.. You really need to drop some weight and start stabilising your body. I would hate to see anything happening to you... Your gonna end up diabetic and in a whole host of problems. I says you have a young son who really needs you. You can't rely on medicines to just keep yourself ticking everyday and not have a care about your health. If your skin is appearing red patches with blood pressure then its very serious. Do you think it was harsh? She did accept it all though.
I have written a plan for her to start a diet.. I have kept the calories high enough so she doesn't get constant hunger problems. Just an flexible based diet. nothing overly strict. Told her to incorporate some steady exercise... Just even a walk each day. Then i says to send me her weekly weigh in's and i can tweak things from thier.
If you had a friend in this situation would you say the same? I felt a bit rotten but if i dont say anything or help shes gonna have some serious issues... Food is an addiction and i have been *Obese* before so i know the feeling... I dieted down and lost 4 stone and started on the fitness path... Best choice of my life.
Just wanted to see if anyone has friends/partners/relatives who they have ever mentioned it to? Its a very touchy subject that can hurt some people.. No one ever wants to hear thier *Fat* i wouldnt ever say it like that to someone though..
- 04-17-2018, 09:27 AM
My first drug was food when I was a young child in a family that did not want me. That led to other drugs etc.. and me being obese and losing and gaining weight. I was 400lbs at 26 years of age. I lost 230lbs by the age of 30, but never dealt with the reasons I needed to harm myself (with food, with whatever). I am now 50 and dealing with those issues and have no problem keeping my body fat in check.
Your friend needs support and needs to deal with the underlying issues or she will NEVER lose the weight. Her yo yo dieting has caused her to lose valuable muscle mass - thus why she is getting fatter and fatter after each weight loss attempt. She sounds depressed and like she has underlying issues that need to be addressed. Address those issues and this person will start to be able to practice self care and not self destruction. Your right - food is an addiction. Addicts left untreated will continue to harm themselves. Thanks for sharing your concern for your friend and i understand yoru frustration. I hope my message helps...
04-17-2018, 10:02 AM
04-17-2018, 12:12 PM
I've tried being harsh with friends before and it just strained the friendship. People are going to do what they are going to do. If you workout with them, Just give them the information they need, and what they choose to do with the information is up to them. That's the best way I find to help but still save the friendship. No one likes being nagged. Even if it is in their best interest.
04-17-2018, 12:30 PM
Sometimes people will do things to please others and not because they truly want it. This is a possibility with your friends attempted diet the first time?
04-17-2018, 03:06 PM
With me being so involved in fitness i know the impact she is having on her body. Her blood pressure is crazy bad. If your skins turning into red blotches then it really is bad. Shes even had an episode where she passed out. I can forsee Diabetes if she doesnt get a grip also.
I feel harsh but i cant just keep looking at her getting worse and worse.. We went a walk a few weeks back and a place we walked i could hear her breathing very laboured and like it was almost painful. It was slightly hill'y but nothing major.
Her partner also is about 5ft9 and hes just under the 16 stone marker. So hes not doing to well in that weight department also. He wants to lose it but like alot of people doesn't want to put any effort in and get himself into a decent condition. Doesnt have to be lean. Just has to be at a normal weight for his height. He works outdoors and you can see he struggles and becomes sluggish. So a loss for him would be such a benefit in terms of health and also for his employment. I have done some work alongside him and his diet is beyond bad. He refuses to drink water and he will only drink juice/fizz hat contains sugar and its always energy cans (Monster)
She has started a diet today again. I have set her calories very reasonable because she thinks the classic minimal calories is the way to go ie crash diet.. Our bodys aint stupid so if they fear a *famine* then they will force you to eat no matter what... So i will see how it goes. I have told her. Your gonna feel hungry its just part of it all but instead of just sitting around just thinking about food constant. Go a walk.. Do some tidying up.. Keep busy and that hunger will dampen slightly. It wont go away fully but it will be more manageable.
Fingers crossed she can do it. Shes honestly looking at a year long diet to get all this weight off.. What i explained is i know a year sounds a long time but that 1 year is only 1 of the rest of your life. Shes young and her confidence will skyrocket if she can do it
Thanks guys.. Sorry for ranting on lol
04-17-2018, 09:58 PM
You have to be supportive in the beginning. Once they start losing weight, they should be motivated to continue. Maybe then you can get a little tougher with them. Remember, food is just another drug for some people. Beating them up over it may not be the best approach.
Twenty-Two Until None
I Am My Brothers Keeper
04-18-2018, 01:28 AM
Using 1 year to get in shape can add 10 years to the end, so it seems like fair trade to me. Good luck with the diet
04-18-2018, 04:17 AM
Millennium Sport Technologies Representative
50% off the entire month of January! AMJAN50
04-18-2018, 09:31 AM
Some really good points above.
I’ve been there, both myself and with friends since I dropped my weight.
Honestly, I don’t think getting angry works in most cases (everyone is different and I don’t think it’s a one size fits all but my views are what I think will work for most).
The person has to want to change and they have to want to do it for a reason that will sustain their motivation. For example, the thought of looking good on the beach once a year isn’t normally enough to sustain a long term effort. Fear of dying young and not seeing kids grow up often is.
My approach these days is to be factual, I.e in a non emotional way just outline the statistics around being overweight and the heath issues it brings, about how it will probably shorten their life and then make sure that when they are ready and want to change you are there for them.
Making sure she knows she can come to you repeatedly when she is ready to try really is important, if she thinks your pissed off at her failed attempts she won’t come to you and you are probably the best support she could hope to have so you need her to feel she can. I turned to several people like this when kicking cocaine first, then alcohol and then food addiction....id let them down before but they were still there when I truly hit rock bottom.
I wish her (and you) all the best with it bro, aside from fathering two amazing kids and marrying a wonderful women sorting my heath out is the best thing I’ve ever done by a distance!
04-18-2018, 09:34 AM
04-18-2018, 05:23 PM
You truly are a friend. Gently keep on her for six weeks and if she is not doing her best then you have to walk away...
Muscle Research Code AM10 www.mrsupps.comNutrex Nutrition Rep
04-18-2018, 05:32 PM
You’re better than me. I stopped offering advice a long time ago.
If I live every moment believing, then the chaos in my heart will be a beautiful thing.-
I am in love, but not in love with someone or something, I am in love with my life. And for the first time, in a long time, everything is inspiring.-
04-19-2018, 03:26 AM
Shes onto day 3 of the diet.. I see her probably once a week. So the plan is for her to weigh in on Tuesdays (Only once a week. She doesn't have home scales so she uses ones at a local place and it does the full works. Weight. Bodyfat percent. Blood pressure and so on) so on Tuesdays i make plans to meet up and bring her note with all the details and we will look at it and see how progress is moving. Im trying my best to keep at it. When i seen how bad her blood pressure is affecting her skin i was like we need to do something here or shes really gonna have serious issues. I don't like to say to anyone about weight issues its not really my place and it can really hurt people if you do mention anything.
I don't get angry with her.. She has a bubbly personality and we get on very well. I just feel let down when i put in so much effort alongside her and i get every excuse going as to why she binge'd.. Ie Stress ' Anxiety and so on. I use to sympathise but now i tll her the truth. If she says i have stress i will say. Well get up and get out a walk for 30 mins and i bet you feel a little better. Dont just run to your cupboards and binge on food because that 15 minutes of eating will destroy your full weeks worth of work.
This time round i have explained just what the future holds if she does continue on her path.. I can't keep being too overly nice and saying *Your fine* When she txted me the other day she says oh im 19stone 8 thats not as bad as i thought as i have been at 20 stone? I was like thats a very minimal margin and 19 stone has just as bad health problems as 20 stone. Her blood pressure is honestly gonna kill her alone. People don't realise how bad a killer high BP is... In the UK we get the NHS system so free medicines etc (Well we pay tax for it all but its a tiny amount for the service) Shes on blood pressure meds and her last check up the doctor had to double up the usual high dose as it was that bad. What annoys me is the doctor isn't forcing her to lose weight? Just keeps increasing dosages and sends her on her way. When i went to the doctor years ago he was like.. Your issues will subside if you were too lose some weight. I was ignorant and thought imagine saying that to someone? I lost the weight and... Every problem subsided so i can't thank his advice enough.
Im rambling on here lol
Anyhow shes on day 3 and its very early days... If she cracks this time and falls back to her old habits im not gonna get involved with it again. I feel a let down when i structure everything and try the best tactics i can... We will always be friends though.. She will just need to deal with things as they come along. Thiers only so much input i can give and the rest is from her. Its not as an easy task i can be assured of that but for me personally. The most important thing in life is your health. Without it you will struggle.
Will report back each week and see how it goes
04-20-2018, 09:51 AM
I have s similar experience with a friend of mine. He is also obese and says he will diet down. i am concerned because he is a good friend of mine. It is frustrating when he does well and then he takes two steps back, similar to your friend. I would let t stress me out, but you cannot do that. It is her life, not yours. She has to want to make the change.
This is true with anyone that is addicted to anything, they need to want to change. Sometimes, it takes a person to hit rock bottom before they change. In her instance, she might need a medical scare to get in on the right path. My mom was addicted to pain killers and used them recreational purposes when I was in high school. It took a major car accident, when she was driving while medicated, for her to get off them. This might be true with your friend.
One thing I would suggest for someone who is either addicted to food or has a bad relationship is for them to make a complete 180 with their food choices. I know you said you are going to make a diet plan for her, which is great, but keep in mind that it is going be hard. I have seen my friends who want to change their habits go from eating nothing but "bad" and "dirty" foods, to nothing but "clean" and "bro" foods. I would say do NOT make her diet plan everything but clean foods, at least, not initially. Remember, to lose weight, all she needs to do is eat less. Sprinkle in some good foods in there, but I have personally seen people fall of their diets right away and take two steps back because they try to completely eliminate foods versus weening off them. Cold turkey is hard for most people.
Use Anthony25 on https://performaxlabs.com/ to save 25% on all products
04-21-2018, 04:11 AM
04-22-2018, 08:17 AM
You can't force a alcoholic to get sober. Anymore than a foodaholic to eat well. And get in shape. If you allow yourself to get to emotionally involved in there addiction. Then you are now being affected by there lifestyle. Be a friend, offer help when there ready and ask for it. And don't get to involved with there addiction.
04-22-2018, 03:17 PM
I dunno. I don't judge other people and if they have a weight problem and if it doesn't bother them, then who am I do tell them otherwise.
Nowadays, things and people are not the same as back in our days (I'm a 43 yr old btw). Most people get offensive at the smallest of things from my own experience so if one of my own friends or relatives want to have a bottle of henny every night, so be it. That being said, I will visit them daily at the hospital and provide moral support when they are undergoing a liver transplant.
04-24-2018, 12:33 AM
Sounds like you care mate, that wasn't harsh at all, maybe you tweaked it a bit for the forums but hearing some words is damningly better than sitting in a nursing home later on with lifelong **** that you didn't take care of when you were younger. She's going to definitely need support and care on her journey, it's a massive mountain to climb and weight loss is no snowball.
You did the right thing mate, good on ya
04-24-2018, 09:09 AM
06-07-2018, 07:43 AM
Update.. She started dieting about 5-6 weeks ago.. Lasted just over 3 weeks.. Lost about 8 pounds (First week classic water weight drop in thier).. She went quiet about it all and now i says.. Whats going on with the diet.. Your being quiet about it? She never gave me her weigh in two weeks in a row (I only get her to weigh once per week) .. I says be honest as she kept saying im too scared to weigh its that time of the month... I says what twice in one month? Then a says you have fell off again haven't you? I says i have exhausted every avenue with you.. Every trick thier is so its unfortunate but shes never gonna get this weight off (5ft8 and 19 stone 7 pounds) blood pressure is unreal tbh.. Red blotches on the skin bad and she also passed out about 3 month back.. Denies it was blood pressure but he bf told me. It makes me sad and angry at the same time... I care for this lassie but im just fed up of putting all this effort to be kicked down 5 times now I know its an addiction but man come on? Health over 10 mins of pleasure from food? I was over for a couple hours the other day and i even packed food as all she cooks for her and her BF is complete garbage.. Pretty much a deep fried breakfast.. I went with some sandwiches and. Chicken.. Im happy to eat healthily to keep my body in good form.. I was offered this meal but i was like sorry but i genuinely cant take that.. A one off keeps me sane but putting that into my body everyday would be a killer. She goes on holiday in October and has spent £300 on new clothes for her hitting a target weight.. Like an incentive. Thats bot gonna happen at this rate.. Anything else i could say or do or just sit to the side? Shes gonna get health problems which she currently is.. I dont want anything major to happen to her But the lies are unreal when she falls off the diet.. A just refrain from asking now... Any ideas folks?
06-07-2018, 08:20 AM
I ask as for me that was the turning point, I failed when it was purely for me, failed when it was for my wife, failed when it was to look good naked, succeeded in the extreme when it was for my kids (obviously not the only factor but those first three months I needed something that powerful to get on the right path).
Now I do it for all the above but now I find it easy, it’s simply preferable to my old life.
06-07-2018, 07:19 PM
Edit: forget everything I wrote if anyone saw it. I jumped the gun to make a point and didn't read enough. Good job. Play on.
06-07-2018, 07:32 PM
06-07-2018, 07:36 PM
And it is depressing in itself.
And there is so much conflict - you eat to much and we will tell you you are unhealthy and will die and call you fat, if you eat too little you are being crazy and unhealthy and have a bad relationship with food. Do this but not that. Everything you think is right is wrong and what you learned was wrong yesterday is right today.
It's a tough game and it isn't all just will power. There are a lot of forces outside of our control making us fat. Not saying you cannot overcome - but you don't have to try to be fat, it will just happen because of those forces we don't control.
Be ready for her to fail...but don't treat it as failure. Pick her up, dust her off and say, **** you failed...games not over. If your teammate drops the ball, do you quit playing....especially if they put in hard work?
Be harsh but kind and show her there is no quitting.
Similar Forum Threads
- By Wand316 in forum Training ForumReplies: 3Last Post: 01-22-2008, 11:32 PM
- By slydeflex in forum SupplementsReplies: 2Last Post: 09-09-2004, 04:58 PM
- By Flash in forum AnabolicsReplies: 11Last Post: 06-24-2004, 04:56 PM
- By Rock Lee in forum AnabolicsReplies: 8Last Post: 03-30-2004, 01:16 AM
- By starterfx in forum AnabolicsReplies: 8Last Post: 12-31-2003, 09:39 AM