How do I get her back?

-MVP-

-MVP-

Member
I apologize if this is long and thorough but I want to make it detailed, so I’ve been in a relationship with this girl for the last 18-19 months. She has been by far the best girl that’s ever walked in my life. One problem I admit we’ve encountered is she has bipolar disorder. She also was married to a very abusive man in the past so she’s terrified of communication. Couple these two things together and she holds in problems until she breaks and when she breaks it always leads to her kicking me out and breaking things off. It’s happened 3-4 times since we met but we have always gotten back together.

One issue we have encountered is her parents do not like me. Her mom is a huge control freak and she is aware of this. Heck, her moms issues is the reason she married the guy in the first place and she even warned me prior to us dating. Her mom never wanted us together and knowing this, I never went around her family much. She lives next door to them and whenever her and I were together, she would also avoid her parents because of how her mom is. Every time we’d break up though, she’d always use their house as a getaway and spend a bunch of time with them to distract herself. This led to her mom accusing me of not letting her come around them which isn’t true. I avoided them because I knew they didn’t like me and she avoided them because well, her mom got on her nerves and she didn’t want to be away from me I guess.

Fast forward and a few weeks ago her and I had an argument because I lost my job and my CDL got suspended temporarily over high blood pressure, it led to her prematurely telling me to leave again and I left. My vehicle is broke down so I had my parents come get me which she got mad about because she thought I had them come get me thinking her parents would make trouble for me but that’s not it - I had them come get me because I had no other way to leave.

She told my aunt after I left that she didn’t mean it when she told me to go but she was just upset. She also told her she missed me and messaged he’d asking if she had heard from me a few times. I kind of shut everyone out so I hadn’t spoken to my aunt but here recently I did and she told me.

Well a few days ago, I got missing her really bad and I felt bad over some things that led to the breakup so I wrote her a letter and debated on giving it to her. I was sitting down watching tv and my mom told me that the girls dad mom had told her that the girls dad fell over dead the other day and she (my ex) was the one that saved him. She did cpr on him until the ambulance came and saved him.

When I heard about this I immediately reached out but it was like she was so angry with me. She accused me of hearing about her dad through my ex who works at the hospital as a RT, which isn’t true. I heard through my mom. I drove up to her house (with her permission) gave her the letter, texted, called. I even called her mom and told her mom I was sorry to hear what happened and asked if there was anything I can do to help. Her mom basically told me on the phone to stay away from her daughter because I’m the reason for a bunch of this and that I kept her daughter from them and her daughter is the only reason her husband was alive right now. She then proceeded to tell me they are behind on bills and don’t know how they will make it with her husband unable to provide right now. I told her to not worry about bills because I would take care of it all. She said “I’ll think about it”.

My girlfriend/ex told me her mom told her the day I left I was in her yard with my mom lying on her and calling her psycho, crazy, and talking about how much better off I am without her. This is NOT true. She told me her mom told her I was saying she harassed me and forced me to date her and I was glad to get away. None of it was true and she seemed very hurt by it. She said her son agreed with her mom even though her son was on the other side of the yard playing (he’s just a kid) and he’s pretty much agreeing with his grandma for brownie points. It was actually her mom that was doing all the talking badly of her that day. Not me or my mom. My mom doesn’t believe her mom told her that though and says she doesn’t want anything to do with her so she refuses to confirm that nothing bad was said by us.

The other day after I left her house to give her the letter and hug her I texted checking on her and told her I’d come up to the hospital with her to see him and she agreed, but she went to her moms (who told me not to come see her) and suddenly the next morning she told me not to come to the hospital. She said “you never liked my dad anyway. You hated him. This has nothing to do with you. We aren’t together so just leave me alone”. She says stuff she doesn’t mean when she’s angry and I told her “this has nothing to do with being your boyfriend and everything to do with the fact that I love you and I want to be here for you right now”.

Her mom told me on the phone that my ex/girlfriend is working two jobs trying to help them with their bills while paying her own and her mom and dad are about to lose a lot of things. I texted and offered to help with bills when i start getting paid (I just started a new job and they hold you back a week) and she told me they didn’t need my money and friendship was all she could offer and no more getting back together. She said she was only worried about her dad right now.

I think her telling my aunt she didn’t really want me to leave, asking about me to her, telling her she missed me, and then even calling her to tell her what happened to her dad were all signs she wanted me to reach out the whole time. I was giving her space and didn’t reach out until I heard what happened to her dad.

She told me that she’d update me about her dad and that was it. Well, she didn’t update me. I stopped texting her and was going to just let it go. I mean I did all I could do. I offered, texted, called, showed up, offered to help with bills. I got nowhere, then suddenly she texts me the other day with updates. I didn’t respond asking about our relationship but told her I was thinking of and praying for them and I’d help anyway I could. She said “Ty” and continued to tell me about him and I asked how he was feeling and told her I was there for her and she never responded.


I love this girl and I want to be here for her. Her mom does not want her to be with anyone. She wants her there 24/7 being her slave and doesn’t want to share her daughter with anyone. Despite this I still love and want to be with her. Im going to send money soon as I start getting paid for bills to help her and her parents I just don’t know what to do from this point. I have been worried sick about the man. Even though we didn’t really see eye to eye it’s still her dad and for that reason I care but her mom has her convinced I don’t care, which is weird for me because why would you even update me if you didn’t think I cared?

Should I just reach out once a week or so asking about him, help with bills, and then when he gets back on his feet just kind of walk away until she decides she wants to talk? Last she told me he’s getting pacemaker and it was his heart that gave out. This girl treated me and my kids so well. She was faithful, loving, she was the best. My aunt said she told her that if her and I weren’t fixing things she should move on and she shut her down quick and told her she didn’t want anyone else. But she’s telling me she doesn’t want me either. Now, I’ll admit, she says that every time we break up but then when we get back together she say she doesn’t mean it.

I just don’t know what to do right now and I’d love your input. Thanks.
 
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You have an addiction to toxicity obviously. Don't be a mark and send her or her family money. Just ridiculous... You are being worked like a dude in a titty bar. If you value yourself as a man run from that girl as fast as you can. Distance yourself from her and her family's drama before you get sucked down into that negativity. You got lucky and are out. Stay out. She was right you didn't like her Dad, and his death has nothing to do with you unless you force your way into being used by them some more offering them money. Cut all contact and find someone who is not already a cancerous growth that will consume you.
 
Sounds like you dodged. A bullet to me. Lol I'd never take that. It's your life though. Just a guess but I'd think ignoring her or acting like you don't care would probably work. Im not a therapist but I dated a few girls that were crazy way back. I always cut it off quick and it seemed like they tried even harder ti get back with me. Well way harder than a normal person. Lol or maybe it was just that they were crazy. Ha
 
bipolar chicks are forbidden fruit. There is something about them that you can't walk away from. Every time I've seen this, the mom was equally bipolar or worse. by your second paragraph everything I was reading felt CRAZY relatable!

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My ex's family is a big part of why we're not together anymore and I don't miss it. A partner/spouse should make your their 100% priority and it sounds to me like this girl will never put you above her toxic family. They'll mistreat her and she'll run back to them and you'll be left out in the cold. I remember thinking or saying something along the lines "your parents will be dead in like 20 years, who's going to wipe your ass when you're in a walker, take care of you, be your spouse? cause it won't be them".

My wife doesn't have parents, she's orphaned but when she went through cancer treatment last year I can say stepping up and being her one and only was an amazing feeling to me. being able to serve her, and walk the talk. She treated me so well, and has been so grateful for our bond.

I feel for you... i get the yoyo you're on. But I think Kleen is right about the toxic family and unfortunately I don't think you can possibly out rank them and they're just going to continue to abuse her and keep her under their control.

(My ex is remarried to a guy just like her, their apron strings are so tight I'm surprised they can breathe and anytime I encounter it I'm grateful to be OUT of it)
 
Just to echo all the other advice here, your out stay out. That sounds like a miserable life ahead full of drama.
 
What is sad to me is this girl has such a huge heart and she treated me so well but it was like the happier we were the more miserable her parents were because life wasn’t all about them anymore. They looked for any and every reason to hate me and she was in huge denial over that.

The funny thing is guys that cut ties with her in the past she has spent her free time chasing their attention and would never ignore them like she does me when they’d reach out. I’m actually good for her and I even tell her the truth about her family but because her dad is sick right now it means her family can do no wrong. He and I didn’t see eye to eye and that’s true, but I did care about the guy. I just never understood why he didn’t accept me. Being her father alone was enough reason for me to want to be there.

It’s hard to let go because when I think of her I don’t think of the toxic miserable family that I didn’t deal with all that often. I think of how she was an Angel to me for the better part of two years and she showed me more love than any female ever has.

I wrote her a text today telling her I loved her and was thinking of her family and I told her I’d send some money to help with bills, gas, whatever I could because I know she’s doing everything in her power right now to keep them afloat on her own. She did not reply at all to any of it. Not even a “don’t send anything” reply.

I did some asshole things at the end of our relationship that made it look like I didn’t care but the truth is I was struggling with inner demons that were getting the better of me and it made me do some things I wouldn’t normally do.
 
-MVP- said:
What is sad to me is this girl has such a huge heart and she treated me so well but it was like the happier we were the more miserable her parents were because life wasn’t all about them anymore. They looked for any and every reason to hate me and she was in huge denial over that.

The funny thing is guys that cut ties with her in the past she has spent her free time chasing their attention and would never ignore them like she does me when they’d reach out. I’m actually good for her and I even tell her the truth about her family but because her dad is sick right now it means her family can do no wrong. He and I didn’t see eye to eye and that’s true, but I did care about the guy. I just never understood why he didn’t accept me. Being her father alone was enough reason for me to want to be there.

It’s hard to let go because when I think of her I don’t think of the toxic miserable family that I didn’t deal with all that often. I think of how she was an Angel to me for the better part of two years and she showed me more love than any female ever has.

I wrote her a text today telling her I loved her and was thinking of her family and I told her I’d send some money to help with bills, gas, whatever I could because I know she’s doing everything in her power right now to keep them afloat on her own. She did not reply at all to any of it. Not even a “don’t send anything” reply.

I did some asshole things at the end of our relationship that made it look like I didn’t care but the truth is I was struggling with inner demons that were getting the better of me and it made me do some things I wouldn’t normally do.
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Man, if I were her I would string you along and pick the meat off your bones if you kept offering money. She obviously doesn't want anything to do with you if you are offering money and she still doesn't want to have anything to do with you. You need to wake up Brother. There is nothing here good for you, and even if there were she doesn't want you and has made it abundantly clear. The relationship is over. Walk away.
 
MrKleen73 said:
Man, if I were her I would string you along and pick the meat off your bones if you kept offering money. She obviously doesn't want anything to do with you if you are offering money and she still doesn't want to have anything to do with you. You need to wake up Brother. There is nothing here good for you, and even if there were she doesn't want you and has made it abundantly clear. The relationship is over. Walk away.
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It’s difficult to take her seriously because up until that happened to her dad she was telling my aunt she missed me and was asking about me. She even admitted she never wanted to break up really and was just mad. She’s also bad to say things she doesn’t mean. Everything she’s saying right now I’ve heard it all before and when we got back together she told me she never meant it.

It’s crushing knowing she’s trying to take care of her bills and her parents bills all alone and I can help. I just don’t understand a lot of things here.
 
-MVP- said:
It’s difficult to take her seriously because up until that happened to her dad she was telling my aunt she missed me and was asking about me. She even admitted she never wanted to break up really and was just mad. She’s also bad to say things she doesn’t mean. Everything she’s saying right now I’ve heard it all before and when we got back together she told me she never meant it.

It’s crushing knowing she’s trying to take care of her bills and her parents bills all alone and I can help. I just don’t understand a lot of things here.
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The bolded, has been said by every stalker in training. When someone tells you it is over and you refuse to accept it and continue to pursue them that is stalking bro. You are on a slippery slope of unhealthy behavior. We know she is but she is bipolar, and if not correctly medicated and in therapy she isn't trying to get better and those things will continue. That is normal behavior for someone who is bipolar. However, she is telling you point blank she is done, and not even responding to your stalking attempts even when money is offered. The signs couldn't be any clearer.

Bottom line man, you want to save the girl or save yourself? You can't save the girl. she has to do that on her own. So you need to do what is best for your emotional health. Chasing someone who doesn't want you is not that. Cut your losses, block her and try not to think about her or her situation again. She doesn't want or need your help and has made that obvious. There is no way you get to be the Prince Charming and save her. She has made it clear and you need to accept it and move on with your life.
 
Just say no. You cannot fix what is broken in her.

Permanently leave this relationship and consider yourself fortunate.
 
Run as fast as you can in the opposite direction of this girl and her family. You will regret it if you don’t. She’s toxic.
 
-MVP- said:
What is sad to me is this girl has such a huge heart and she treated me so well but it was like the happier we were the more miserable her parents were because life wasn’t all about them anymore. They looked for any and every reason to hate me and she was in huge denial over that.
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You can't sever the apron strings unfortunately. I truly don't think that it's necessarily a bipolar girl that's the issue here, it's the ties to her controlling parents. if it was just you and her in neutral terroritory with no familia involvement you'd probably be able to work through the issues and learn to enjoy being hit by her lol

-MVP- said:
The funny thing is guys that cut ties with her in the past she has spent her free time chasing their attention and would never ignore them like she does me when they’d reach out.
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I've known women like this, watch for gas lighting. I've seen this person accuse people of "playing games" when in actuality this is a giant gas lighting game being played on you. she can ignore you because you're wrapped around her finger.

Look at what happened here, her parents treat her the exact same way. It's learned behavior. she is treating you exactly how her parents treat her. the problem is, she thinks it's acceptable and you're teaching her it is.
 
I gotta admit though this thread definitely gives me a hankerin' for those crazy girls. good times 😅:oops:
 
-MVP- said:
What is sad to me is this girl has such a huge heart and she treated me so well ...

The funny thing is guys that cut ties with her in the past she has spent her free time chasing their attention and would never ignore them like she does me ...

I think of how she was an Angel to me for the better part of two years ...
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Observations:

  • She does not have a huge heart and has not treated you well. People with a huge heart don't do those things.
  • Chasing people who cut her off is, more than likely, a sign she has dependency issues and, possibly, a narcissist.
  • She was not an Angel. Angels don't do those things.
  • Regardless of the cause (or excuse), she is 100% responsible for her behavior, and you are 100% responsible for your behavior.
Run as fast as you can away from her.
 
MrKleen73 said:
The bolded, has been said by every stalker in training. When someone tells you it is over and you refuse to accept it and continue to pursue them that is stalking bro. You are on a slippery slope of unhealthy behavior. We know she is but she is bipolar, and if not correctly medicated and in therapy she isn't trying to get better and those things will continue. That is normal behavior for someone who is bipolar. However, she is telling you point blank she is done, and not even responding to your stalking attempts even when money is offered. The signs couldn't be any clearer.

Bottom line man, you want to save the girl or save yourself? You can't save the girl. she has to do that on her own. So you need to do what is best for your emotional health. Chasing someone who doesn't want you is not that. Cut your losses, block her and try not to think about her or her situation again. She doesn't want or need your help and has made that obvious. There is no way you get to be the Prince Charming and save her. She has made it clear and you need to accept it and move on with your life.
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Well an update… she responded and said she was busy earlier and she’s been texting me quite a bit this evening. Talking all about her dad and the situation and stuff. She told my aunt she doesn’t want to bother me with it because she knows I have 3 kids and she’s under so much stress so she doesn’t want to stress me out with what she’s dealing with. Idk. I’ve tried doing everything I can. I guess I’ll let her decide the tempo of conversations. She’s talking a lot right now, but she’s going through a whole lot. I guess I better just back off. I offered help, if she wants it, she can reach out to me.
 
You've received some very good and unanimous advice from several of the forum members.
 
Well we talked on the phone tonight. She has severe trauma and PTSD from doing cpr on her dad. He’s on a life vest and on a few occasions over the last 2 days it’s had to shock him back to life or whatever.

She is pushing me away and it’s got me questioning if I ever meant anything to her. I get she’s traumatized and I get that she’s scared. She’s holding her whole family up by herself right now but why not let be there for her? She pushes me away. When tragedy hits more often than not you want the people that mean the most to you surrounding you. I guess I didn’t make the list. I guess I didn’t mean what I thought I did to her.

I don’t want to walk away right now with her dealing with this but I’ve TRIED to be there. I’ve tried to talk to her, I’ve tried to support her, she just pushes me away or ignores me. She talks to me like I’m just some random guy. Not someone that’s important to her.

It kills me to do it especially considering the circumstances but I’ve decided to walk away. I’ve done everything a man can do. I’ve texted, called, wrote letters, offered to help, offered to help with bills, I’ve told her so many times how important she is to me and told her I want to be there for her. All I get it “thanks for being nice”. Being nice? I’m right here dealing with all this with you. I’m right here by your side trying every way I know how to be there for you and you just push me away.

I’ve came to the conclusion that I did not matter as much as I thought. I always felt her family came before me and this just confirms it. She wants them by her side and I understand that, but she does not want me by her side. There is room for us both. She wants me gone out of her life. Like she said the other day, I’m nothing to her now. Just gotta let it go and hope that in my mid 30s I can find a woman that I’m actually into that will love me like I deserve.

Sorry to bother you guys with this stuff but I appreciate you responding. I guess it’s safe to say that everyone agrees I did all I could do.
 
-MVP- said:
Well an update… she responded and said she was busy earlier and she’s been texting me quite a bit this evening. Talking all about her dad and the situation and stuff. She told my aunt she doesn’t want to bother me with it because she knows I have 3 kids and she’s under so much stress so she doesn’t want to stress me out with what she’s dealing with. Idk. I’ve tried doing everything I can. I guess I’ll let her decide the tempo of conversations. She’s talking a lot right now, but she’s going through a whole lot. I guess I better just back off. I offered help, if she wants it, she can reach out to me.
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I was thinking about your situation last night, especially the fact that you asked "how do I get her back" and everyone ignored that and told you to walk away. Sorta makes us bad homies in a way. serving you the medicine and ignoring the heart break. I think everyone in this thread understands what it feels like to be head over heals, but unfortunately in a toxic situation. so I definitely feel for you.

To reiterate what I said beffore, there are massive boundary issues. It's a cliche term that's been used ad nauseum the past couple decades but it still stands. You can see from your first post her parents do not respect her boundaries, she doesn't respect yours, and unfortunately it seems like there have been times when you have tried, but haven't really respected hers. a shrink might suggest that your family dynamics have similar issues even if they don't seem as negative since you and her in different ways sorta do the same things.

From my own personal experience, I don't think you can win as long as her family is in the picture.
People don't usually change. they CAN change. People 100% can change. But they typically do not, and the odds get even worse when they don't change their environment.... good luck homie.
 
OK bro how old are you hold old is she. Truth how are your looks her looks.

NOw smack, smack, smack, and smack to see why check out strong successful male on youtube very good idea about female nature and dating and how you can think you have a good girl and find out 10 years later a drunk one night stand is the reaosn you have a kid that is not yours.

From what you said i cant say she is a bad person but likely not for you or many guys. BI poloar is very serious women accuse men aof things we do not go in general and with that they could think we do it. My advice cut and run too many other women after one time booting you out should be enough.

Old saying "dont stick your d*ck in crazy" not being harsh man but as someone who wasted 19 years wtih the wrong woman. no accountablity and mental issues i hate to see anyone go through it.
 
^ exactly! …I’ve refrained from saying it, but anyone could EASILY ‘catch a case’ from a situation like this !
 
It’s difficult because it’s like I’m dealing with two people. And I have severe trauma from the girl I dated before her and the coincidence in it all is both of them were in a serious relationship with the same guy before me… and many many people tell me the guy and I look very similar. He ended up marrying a girl that looks like my ex wife. It’s strange.

Anyway, she’s the best thing in the world to me one minute and the next minute she’s toxic. She treats me like I’m the worst thing in the world for a month or two and then like I’m the best thing in the world for a month or two. She’s always back and forth between me and her family and it’s like she can’t make more than one person at a time important to her. It’s always you’re important for a while, then someone else, etc. not saying MEN I’m just saying family and then me for the most part.

I’ve done everything I can. Maybe it’s just time to let go. I’ll never be enough in her eyes. I’m 34 and time is running out. I have 3 kids.

To the person who asked what we both look like, message me.
 
-MVP- said:
And I have severe trauma from the girl I dated before her and the coincidence in it all is both of them were in a serious relationship with the same guy before me… and many many people tell me the guy and I look very similar.
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I hope this does not come across as harshly as it probably will, but:
1. If you are traumatized by one or more of your past (and current) relationships, it is a likely sign that you are picking people who are not healthy for you.
2. Perhaps your expectation(s) on what a relationship of this type "should be" is flawed. You have to be "the right person" to be with "the right person". Many people either enter a relationship looking to rescue someone else or looking for someone else to make them feel better about something (frequently, a lack of personal esteem). Neither are healthy.
3. I'd suggest very carefully looking for the attributes and characteristics (including this like honesty and integrity) that are your must haves, prior to entering another relationship.

Re "Maybe it’s just time to let go.", I wish you could read this thread from the perspective of most of those who have responded. You would eliminate the work "Maybe" and replace the words "just time to let go." with "time for me to look for someone who is emotionally healthy and with whom I can be in a long term, mutually beneficial relationship in which we treat one another with equally mutual respect".

I'll assume that I am not going to receive a Christmas card this year .....
 
Beau said:
I hope this does not come across as harshly as it probably will, but:
1. If you are traumatized by one or more of your past (and current) relationships, it is a likely sign that you are picking people who are not healthy for you.
2. Perhaps your expectation(s) on what a relationship of this type "should be" is flawed. You have to be "the right person" to be with "the right person". Many people either enter a relationship looking to rescue someone else or looking for someone else to make them feel better about something (frequently, a lack of personal esteem). Neither are healthy.
3. I'd suggest very carefully looking for the attributes and characteristics (including this like honesty and integrity) that are your must haves, prior to entering another relationship.

Re "Maybe it’s just time to let go.", I wish you could read this thread from the perspective of most of those who have responded. You would eliminate the work "Maybe" and replace the words "just time to let go." with "time for me to look for someone who is emotionally healthy and with whom I can be in a long term, mutually beneficial relationship in which we treat one another with equally mutual respect".

I'll assume that I am not going to receive a Christmas card this year .....
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First off, there is absolutely nothing wrong with what you just said and I do not disagree at all.

Sometimes, the best thing you can do for someone is tell them the truth even if it isn’t exactly what makes them feel better at that current timeframe.

Secondly, I am very much traumatized by two different relationships from the past - one of which being my previous marriage.

Lastly, as invalid as it may sound, I’ve lost all hope that there is a perfect person for me out there. I just feel like I’m a damaged, middle aged man with baggage and no woman worth anything is going to want someone like that in their life.

This girl won me over by accepting things about me that no one else would. She fought hard to let me know I matter when I felt like I didn’t. The problem is, her parents did not approve of me and because one of them is sick she’s letting them pick whether she’s with me or not. This makes me feel like I never mattered at all.

Breaking up with me is easy for her. Before she always at least came across as sad and missing me but with her father being sick right now she comes off as the minute he got sick her feelings for me completely vanished. She’s not even coming across as angry at me anymore.

I know it’s best for me to let her go. I don’t understand how her feelings for me can go away that quickly, but they did. I’m unimportant to her and that is the most obvious thing I can say.

I can say… I have done EVERYTHING a man can do to be there for her. I have tried every way possible to love her through a hard time (together or not) and I am somehow still the enemy and unworthy of her feelings.

It’s time to walk away.
 
-MVP- said:
First off, there is absolutely nothing wrong with what you just said and I do not disagree at all.

Sometimes, the best thing you can do for someone is tell them the truth even if it isn’t exactly what makes them feel better at that current timeframe.

Secondly, I am very much traumatized by two different relationships from the past - one of which being my previous marriage.

Lastly, as invalid as it may sound, I’ve lost all hope that there is a perfect person for me out there. I just feel like I’m a damaged, middle aged man with baggage and no woman worth anything is going to want someone like that in their life.

This girl won me over by accepting things about me that no one else would. She fought hard to let me know I matter when I felt like I didn’t. The problem is, her parents did not approve of me and because one of them is sick she’s letting them pick whether she’s with me or not. This makes me feel like I never mattered at all.

Breaking up with me is easy for her. Before she always at least came across as sad and missing me but with her father being sick right now she comes off as the minute he got sick her feelings for me completely vanished. She’s not even coming across as angry at me anymore.

I know it’s best for me to let her go. I don’t understand how her feelings for me can go away that quickly, but they did. I’m unimportant to her and that is the most obvious thing I can say.

I can say… I have done EVERYTHING a man can do to be there for her. I have tried every way possible to love her through a hard time (together or not) and I am somehow still the enemy and unworthy of her feelings.

It’s time to walk away.
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I’d say you are making the right choice. Also update you did not mention you had kids in the first post. You especially don’t want them to have to deal with any kind of crazy drama she could bring.
All the best man, sooner or later you will find the right one and it will all make sense when it does.
 
-MVP- said:
First off, there is absolutely nothing wrong with what you just said and I do not disagree at all.

Sometimes, the best thing you can do for someone is tell them the truth even if it isn’t exactly what makes them feel better at that current timeframe.

Secondly, I am very much traumatized by two different relationships from the past - one of which being my previous marriage.

Lastly, as invalid as it may sound, I’ve lost all hope that there is a perfect person for me out there. I just feel like I’m a damaged, middle aged man with baggage and no woman worth anything is going to want someone like that in their life.

This girl won me over by accepting things about me that no one else would. She fought hard to let me know I matter when I felt like I didn’t. The problem is, her parents did not approve of me and because one of them is sick she’s letting them pick whether she’s with me or not. This makes me feel like I never mattered at all.

Breaking up with me is easy for her. Before she always at least came across as sad and missing me but with her father being sick right now she comes off as the minute he got sick her feelings for me completely vanished. She’s not even coming across as angry at me anymore.

I know it’s best for me to let her go. I don’t understand how her feelings for me can go away that quickly, but they did. I’m unimportant to her and that is the most obvious thing I can say.

I can say… I have done EVERYTHING a man can do to be there for her. I have tried every way possible to love her through a hard time (together or not) and I am somehow still the enemy and unworthy of her feelings.

It’s time to walk away.
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DM sent
 
akboom87 said:
I’d say you are making the right choice. Also update you did not mention you had kids in the first post. You especially don’t want them to have to deal with any kind of crazy drama she could bring.
All the best man, sooner or later you will find the right one and it will all make sense when it does.
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I have 3 kids and she has 2. My two boys and her two boys were extremely close for the longest time. I mean they did everything together. You couldn’t tell they were not actually all brothers.

Next thing ya know they start staying with her mom all the time and then they didn’t want me around. They didn’t even want to see my kids.

I figured her kids would at least miss us by now but I was dead wrong. They prefer us not in their lives too.

I’m quietly observing how easy it is for her to not care about me at all and quite honestly, I’m doubting if I ever meant anything to her in the first place.
 
You sound like your thinking very clearly now👍. Unfortunately, many ppl are just shitty people. Not everyone deserves what your willing to give, not everyone cares as much as you care. So value yourself by making sure someone deserves your time, and dont waste it on someone who dosent deserve you. Teach your boys that you can be a gentleman and still be respected and appreciated. Good luck moving forward sir🤘👏👏👏
 
Dustin07 said:
I was thinking about your situation last night, especially the fact that you asked "how do I get her back" and everyone ignored that and told you to walk away. Sorta makes us bad homies in a way. serving you the medicine and ignoring the heart break. I think everyone in this thread understands what it feels like to be head over heals, but unfortunately in a toxic situation. so I definitely feel for you.
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We may not be the best homies, but we made pretty good life coaches in this scenario. ;)
-MVP- said:
It’s difficult because it’s like I’m dealing with two people. And I have severe trauma from the girl I dated before her and the coincidence in it all is both of them were in a serious relationship with the same guy before me… and many many people tell me the guy and I look very similar. He ended up marrying a girl that looks like my ex wife. It’s strange.

Anyway, she’s the best thing in the world to me one minute and the next minute she’s toxic. She treats me like I’m the worst thing in the world for a month or two and then like I’m the best thing in the world for a month or two. She’s always back and forth between me and her family and it’s like she can’t make more than one person at a time important to her. It’s always you’re important for a while, then someone else, etc. not saying MEN I’m just saying family and then me for the most part.
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First things first Brother you need to learn to value yourself. You have some self esteem and abandonment issues you should definitely speak to a professional about. Also noting a level of despair for someone in his 30's calling himself mid-life and panicking about not being in a relationship yet. Sounds like you need to get yourself to a point ypu are okay with being by yourself before you try to find a relationship to be in. The fact you stuck around while she treated you horribly for a month or two and put up with that for multiple cycles in a newish relationship says you don't value yourself enough to set boundaries and that needs to change. You won't be able to have a solid healthy relationships if you haven't figured out what your boundaries are, and learned to enforce them. Especially with someone with Bipolar disorder. it takes a strong and somewhat healthy mind to be the voice of reason and source of stability in a relationship with someone with Bipolar disorder. The biggest part is that it takes the person with Bipolar disorder actively pursuing treatment, and making sure to get meds adjusted as things change. Even medicated someone else has to keep an eye and be like "Hey, I think your meds might need adjusted." Which can lead to a big argument. So you really have to be in a decent healthy headspace to have a healthy relationship with anyone but especially someone with Bipolar disorder. Either way, sounds like you have a type from your posts, and I wouldn't be surprised if your type is someone who acts a lot like your mother. Not saying I am right but it is pretty common, we find someone similar to our mother to try to get the love from them we felt we couldn't when growing up. I know it was the same for me. I just got lucky and found someone who was willing to work as hard as me at our relationship and building a better life in spite of our challenges.
-MVP- said:
Breaking up with me is easy for her. Before she always at least came across as sad and missing me but with her father being sick right now she comes off as the minute he got sick her feelings for me completely vanished. She’s not even coming across as angry at me anymore.

It’s time to walk away.
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When anger turns to apathy the end has been reached. You are right to close the book on this one. I hope you choose to get into therapy brother. You seem to be looking for an external source of happiness, but that is something you have to find within yourself. You can find happy distractions out in the world but your happiness will be found from exploring within yourself. Figure out who you are, what is important to you in a relationship and then don't settle. Look for red flags if someone's behavior is often erratic and swings all over the spectrum pay attention, are you compelled towards that type? Sounds like it from your posts so far. I know it was my type, my Mom is what I would call an undiagnosed bipolar, she refuses to get checked because in her mind that is one of the bad ones. Still has that old stigma attached. However she is on anti-depressants, and mood stabilizers. I have to say looking back that most of my women have been emotionally... well... unstable for a lack of a better word. I just happened to find one who wanted to fix herself as badly as I wanted to fix myself and we made it work and work well.
 
MrKleen73 said:
We may not be the best homies, but we made pretty good life coaches in this scenario. ;)
First things first Brother you need to learn to value yourself. You have some self esteem and abandonment issues you should definitely speak to a professional about. Also noting a level of despair for someone in his 30's calling himself mid-life and panicking about not being in a relationship yet. Sounds like you need to get yourself to a point ypu are okay with being by yourself before you try to find a relationship to be in. The fact you stuck around while she treated you horribly for a month or two and put up with that for multiple cycles in a newish relationship says you don't value yourself enough to set boundaries and that needs to change. You won't be able to have a solid healthy relationships if you haven't figured out what your boundaries are, and learned to enforce them. Especially with someone with Bipolar disorder. it takes a strong and somewhat healthy mind to be the voice of reason and source of stability in a relationship with someone with Bipolar disorder. The biggest part is that it takes the person with Bipolar disorder actively pursuing treatment, and making sure to get meds adjusted as things change. Even medicated someone else has to keep an eye and be like "Hey, I think your meds might need adjusted." Which can lead to a big argument. So you really have to be in a decent healthy headspace to have a healthy relationship with anyone but especially someone with Bipolar disorder. Either way, sounds like you have a type from your posts, and I wouldn't be surprised if your type is someone who acts a lot like your mother. Not saying I am right but it is pretty common, we find someone similar to our mother to try to get the love from them we felt we couldn't when growing up. I know it was the same for me. I just got lucky and found someone who was willing to work as hard as me at our relationship and building a better life in spite of our challenges.
When anger turns to apathy the end has been reached. You are right to close the book on this one. I hope you choose to get into therapy brother. You seem to be looking for an external source of happiness, but that is something you have to find within yourself. You can find happy distractions out in the world but your happiness will be found from exploring within yourself. Figure out who you are, what is important to you in a relationship and then don't settle. Look for red flags if someone's behavior is often erratic and swings all over the spectrum pay attention, are you compelled towards that type? Sounds like it from your posts so far. I know it was my type, my Mom is what I would call an undiagnosed bipolar, she refuses to get checked because in her mind that is one of the bad ones. Still has that old stigma attached. However she is on anti-depressants, and mood stabilizers. I have to say looking back that most of my women have been emotionally... well... unstable for a lack of a better word. I just happened to find one who wanted to fix herself as badly as I wanted to fix myself and we made it work and work well.
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You don't. Sorry to say in this whole scenario she is not chasing you, no disrespect meant but unless she is chasing you let her go. I'm sorry I know it sucks but in the end you will find someone better.
 
jtbull said:
SMACK

watch strong successful male on youtube. Even you married guys. You will thank me trust me
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Nah, I will be okay, I have been a man for years. I am actually pretty good at it already, I don't need a youtuber with a faked lifestyle to tell me how to do it. I have been happily married for over 20 years. Funny i don't know of any of the big Alpha dogs that can say that.
 
MrKleen73 said:
Nah, I will be okay, I have been a man for years. I am actually pretty good at it already, I don't need a youtuber with a faked lifestyle to tell me how to do it. I have been happily married for over 20 years. Funny i don't know of any of the big Alpha dogs that can say that.
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I can tell you many guys have been helped. I am very happy for you bro but lots of women today are playing so many games now yours is liely different. Lots of cool things i learned i never thought of but much is common sense you just need to realize

1 know here friends. They are single and partiers girls nighst can be trouble
2 many women settle when they want to get married and none of us should be settled for
3if you aint getting it someone is often
4 she asked for an open marriage she is cheating or has someone lined up time to eject
 
jtbull said:
I can tell you many guys have been helped. I am very happy for you bro but lots of women today are playing so many games now yours is liely different. Lots of cool things i learned i never thought of but much is common sense you just need to realize

1 know here friends. They are single and partiers girls nighst can be trouble
2 many women settle when they want to get married and none of us should be settled for
3if you aint getting it someone is often
4 she asked for an open marriage she is cheating or has someone lined up time to eject
Click to expand...

The interesting thing is….these are real dudes stories and the host just reads them in his car and comments. Crazy I remember this channel just starting and this guy has blown up $$

*oh I forgot to mention, there’s so damnn many that he can sustain a channel!
 
jtbull said:
I can tell you many guys have been helped. I am very happy for you bro but lots of women today are playing so many games now yours is liely different. Lots of cool things i learned i never thought of but much is common sense you just need to realize

1 know here friends. They are single and partiers girls nighst can be trouble
2 many women settle when they want to get married and none of us should be settled for
3if you aint getting it someone is often
4 she asked for an open marriage she is cheating or has someone lined up time to eject
Click to expand...
1 - Agreed partying with the girls can be troublesome just like guys nights out.
2 - Almost everyone settles in some way in the end. Have you ever had a run at your fantasy woman, your idea of a perfect 10? More importantly, have they all been that? If not you have settled for everyone you have dated thus far. Not many people get their ideal that is fantasy land. An actual Alpha isn't likely getting settled for. If you need a class or youtuber to tell you how to act alpha then you are just learning to act like one not be one. Being a true alpha comes from within based off of earned self confidence and a belief in oneself.
3 - Pretty commonly accurate regardless of sex
4 - Anyone asks for an open marriage they at a minimum aren't satisfied with you alone which is a sign they aren't the one regardless of if they have cheated yet or not the fact they want to be with others is an issue.

All of those things go both ways and are not specific to women. I do agree that the modern feminist female has some ideas that are pretty crazy, but their are plenty of more old fashioned women out there and that group is starting to grow again. As you can see many women are starting to be like why the hell did we want to work when we were spoiled before. Sign me up for the stay at home wife position please.

Honestly, and I haven't been to this guys site but there are just way too many guys who push this stuff with a toxic agenda. Some of the stupidity regurgitated by some of these people is ridiculous. Many of them are just using manipulation tactics which are meant to make a person subservient to you. That is not love, nor is it a healthy relationship.

I do agree men need to have more of a backbone and stand up for what they stand for. Not allow themselves to be run over in a relationship. However, I don't think manipulation, negging and fear of loss tactics lead to a healthy relationship. They may lead to an enjoyable game for the man but a solid good long lasting relationship. Unlikely.

I see many jaded men who have been hurt turning to this as an answer, and while it will feel good for a while it isn't going to lead you to a healthy relationship. Some may get lucky and attract a naturally subservient person and live a wonderful life but that won't be the standard.

My other question is, how many of these red pill people are happily married, and have been for a long time? Most I know of are trying to live that playboy lifestyle. As a younger person I see how that is attractive to people for sure.

In the end most of these people are just taking advantage of insecure and jaded men or boys who have a victim mentality and want to feel stronger while using victimhood as their shield.

All of this really is just the natural result of feminism going too far and being weaponized, so now masculinity, security, and fear of loss is being weaponized back at them. The red pill guys are pretty much just the mirror image if the 3rd wave of feminism and don't even realize it.

That being said, I do see a lot of positive things from them that I agree with as a strong man who leads his home. However, there is also a lot that is manipulation based and that simply has no place in a healthy relationship. When I see men talk about women as if they are the enemy it makes me sad because I know that person is just hurt and trying to figure out a way to not have it happen again. Of course pain and rejection is often a catalyst for radicalization, and make no mistake the red pill movement is a radical one same as the 3rd wave of feminism.

Men should be men, and be strong for their family and loved ones. A man should be a leader, but a leader is not a dictator, or someone who has to manipulate people to get them to follow him. They will want to follow him out of respect.

Anyway, not attacking you or anyone who follows these things, I totally understand how it goes down, and how easy it is to get wrapped up in things. Youtube has an amazing way of feeding you the things that will work you up, if all you want to see if women getting put in their place by men then it will get surved up like crazy until you think every woman thinks the way the thots on those shows behave.

All of this is being said by someone who watched all of this stuff and enjoyed a lot of it. It was awesome watching these dumb chicks get smacked with logic and put in their places. However a lot of the other behavior and things I saw were manipulative and toxic as well. In the end the toxicity of a lot of them became more of an issue to me than the enjoyment of seeing the women put in their place. Also like I mentioned watching that stuff nonstop just makes you think there are more women out there that believe these things than don't. However these guys have to interview a huge amount f people and pass on most of them because they have normal views and standards. Normal views and standards don't get likes or hits on social media. So you start to think all women are like that and not the minority.

Anyway, I hope you are able to decipher the positive things in their message, because their is plenty, and make use of that while recognizing what is actually negative and manipulative and not adopting those strategies.
 
MrKleen73 said:
We may not be the best homies, but we made pretty good life coaches in this scenario. ;)
First things first Brother you need to learn to value yourself. You have some self esteem and abandonment issues you should definitely speak to a professional about. Also noting a level of despair for someone in his 30's calling himself mid-life and panicking about not being in a relationship yet. Sounds like you need to get yourself to a point ypu are okay with being by yourself before you try to find a relationship to be in. The fact you stuck around while she treated you horribly for a month or two and put up with that for multiple cycles in a newish relationship says you don't value yourself enough to set boundaries and that needs to change. You won't be able to have a solid healthy relationships if you haven't figured out what your boundaries are, and learned to enforce them. Especially with someone with Bipolar disorder. it takes a strong and somewhat healthy mind to be the voice of reason and source of stability in a relationship with someone with Bipolar disorder. The biggest part is that it takes the person with Bipolar disorder actively pursuing treatment, and making sure to get meds adjusted as things change. Even medicated someone else has to keep an eye and be like "Hey, I think your meds might need adjusted." Which can lead to a big argument. So you really have to be in a decent healthy headspace to have a healthy relationship with anyone but especially someone with Bipolar disorder. Either way, sounds like you have a type from your posts, and I wouldn't be surprised if your type is someone who acts a lot like your mother. Not saying I am right but it is pretty common, we find someone similar to our mother to try to get the love from them we felt we couldn't when growing up. I know it was the same for me. I just got lucky and found someone who was willing to work as hard as me at our relationship and building a better life in spite of our challenges.
When anger turns to apathy the end has been reached. You are right to close the book on this one. I hope you choose to get into therapy brother. You seem to be looking for an external source of happiness, but that is something you have to find within yourself. You can find happy distractions out in the world but your happiness will be found from exploring within yourself. Figure out who you are, what is important to you in a relationship and then don't settle. Look for red flags if someone's behavior is often erratic and swings all over the spectrum pay attention, are you compelled towards that type? Sounds like it from your posts so far. I know it was my type, my Mom is what I would call an undiagnosed bipolar, she refuses to get checked because in her mind that is one of the bad ones. Still has that old stigma attached. However she is on anti-depressants, and mood stabilizers. I have to say looking back that most of my women have been emotionally... well... unstable for a lack of a better word. I just happened to find one who wanted to fix herself as badly as I wanted to fix myself and we made it work and work well.
Click to expand...

I couldn’t agree more with your post. It’s true I do not value myself. Admittedly my family always saw me as the one that would never make it and they instilled this “he’s never going to do anything” mindset in me. My biggest accomplishment was the woman I married who cheated on me and left me for another man. The woman after her used me for money. This was the first woman that I felt ever really loved me and she’s done a complete 360 in recent times. It’s hard to accept that even that was a lie too.

My mom never saw me as my own person but rather an expansion of herself. She constantly showered me with gifts as a child just to brag about it to everyone around her. I guess you could say she didn’t have anything growing up so she wanted me to have everything under the sun when half of it didn’t matter. One area she neglected however was emotional support. I never had anyone to turn to as a child so when I grew up I instilled that in a relationship. I guess now if I’m not with someone, I feel all alone and have no emotional support. Perhaps therapy would be a good idea for that.

I know working on myself is the correct answer here as is walking away from this girl. Taking the first step is a huge difficult decision. Perhaps I can transform myself into someone I want to be and will be content with being alone and raising kids as a single father and then my positive energy will be matched by someone else with positive energy that actually cares for me.

I appreciate you guys. Being able to vent and hear from guys like yourselves that do have self value and hearing what YOU would do in this situation speaks volumes. I respect your opinions.

I guess in a way I felt like maybe I would be abandoning her at a terrible time because of her dad, but I made my intentions clear - if she wanted me there, I would be.
 
@MrKleen73 is right. I'm in there middle of ending a 5 year relationship/marriage with a woman I thought was everything. Beautiful and outgoing, but unfortunately someone with Histrionic Personality Disorder and borderline Narcissistic. I was convinced that it was my fault that she habitually lied and cheated several times. Sometimes you just have to realize that it really isn't you, it's her. Stay strong, learn your worth and move on.
 
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