Bestfriend/Exgirlfriend committed suicide last night


I haven't cried so much in years. I can't even describe what I'm feeling right now and I also the fact I may have had the chance to stop her.

I don't blame myself - but I could have done more and that is going to be hard to live with.

She was a beautiful girl (DKNY model in fact) whom an outsider might say, "was sitting on the top of the world."

That was far from the fact.

I feel very strange right now, I don't know how to describe it.

Knowing that one of my best friends took her own life and shared secrets with me that nobody will ever know. And Now she is gone.

I'm approching PCT, and I'm frankly very worried about myself emotionally.

im not whinning or bitching or whatever, it has been a rough night.

I just pray someone gives me something to work with here - it's 8:40am and I haven't been to sleep. The gym is the furthest thing from my mind and I worry about going to into a full depression in a the PCT period.

I'm the most up and down person you'll ever meet. The highs are great, tremendous - the lows are horrible. I fear that I'm headed for low that could be long and awful.... unlike anything I've gone through.

im not the type of person who is going to run to the gym and somehow use my girl's death as positive energy. I'm sorry - I can't do it...

please say whatever you think, give me some persceptive, whatever you want - just give me something...


Board Supporter
All I'll say is learn from her mistakes and seek help. You may think your feelings and emotions will blow over but go see someone now.

Dealing with the suicide of a friend is not easy. I found my best friend who had shot himself only an hour before I found him. Go get help to talk through your issues and get them sorted in your head. Do it now before it DOES become an absolutely problem.

Not religious by any means here but prayers to you and her family at this time.

Stay strong but don't be afaird to be human and get help either.



suicide is a hard thing to wrap your head around...i had a buddy this year hang himself after going into a long schizophrenic phase that came out of no where...i still find it hard to grasp....just keep your head up and be there for her friends and family...


Board Supporter
I think I myself may be at the end of an emotional low as well. I posted here a few weeks ago that I too lost a very good (female) friend to a drug overdose..same situation as you.

It sounds like we have a lot in common. Its tough man...really is. Just try to keep your head up and hope that tomorrow will be better. It has worked for me.

I'm here for you brother.

P.S. I had never lost anybody before in my life, so going to a funeral was new for me. I wish I wouldn't have went. As harsh as it is to say, I'm glad I paid my respects, but it made the whole situation SOOO much worse for me. Something you may want to consider.


Board Supporter
I had a friend of mine kill himself as well, I felt I could have saved him if only I had been in the right place at the right time, I was not. I now feel when a person commits suicide that if they r determined to do it, it is not very likely anyone could stop them,(damn just typing this brings back alot of pain), if u think u r falling into a deep depression GO get some help, the pain u feel right now needs some help, it was not your fault.........


Registered User
Wow, CED! Hang in there. The suggestion to seek help is a good one. You need to be able to talk about how you feel (as you have here, and thank you for that BTW). Maybe talking with others who knew her as well. Suicide is about as puzzling and complex as it gets. Keep the faith, and share with us here as much as you need to.


Registered User
i wish i could could give you some helpful advice, but i can't ... i have a pretty unique perhaps inhuman outlook on things that doesn't work for the vast majority of people .. people i know have said its incredibly cold, but i just think its realistic .. anyway its probably nothing you want to hear at this point

all i can say is i'm terribly sorry for your loss man .. we're all here for you brother


I am so very sorry

That is terrible. I have lost friends from accidents at a young age, I also recently lost my mother who died from an undiagnosed heart attack. My family and I thought she had the flu but she was actually recovering from the heart attack in bed (and had the flu on top of it) when the second heart attack killed her immediately.

We missed the signs, thought something was wrong and pointed it out to the family. They took her to the doctor a few times and the doctor also missed it.

I understand your feeling of "could have done something". The reality is you are a human being. No-one has the power to change time. No-one can be so intelligent they never miss anything.
And no-one has responsibility really for another intelligent adult, no matter how much we love them and want to help them.

You might say "yeah, yeah I know all that" but it takes time for your heart to really understand it too. It's not your fault, and you waste your time going over what's happened, where you could have done something. We all want to change what's bad -- so you'll catch yourself looking over and over for where you can do something because your subconcious won't accept that nothing can be done. You want it too badly. But it's a mental trap that just spins your wheels and causes you more anxiety.

You can't do anything now for her, but you can do what she can't and would want to do if she could: Help her family however you can. Your feelings will be amplified many times in them -- feelings they "should have done something" and loss. That is something REAL you CAN do.

And if she cared that much for you, know that she would not want you to lose the chance at joy in your own life. Grieving is natural and it hurts terribly.

But there must be (eventually) an end to grieving, days when you notice the sun shining and find things that make you smile and laugh. It is not wrong or a sin when that happens, even today and now.

Life is a chance for us all to share joy and love.

Hang tight brother.


Board Supporter
I lost a family member to suicide when I was 19. It was the worst time of my life, but I made it through. I don't have anything profound to say, but with time it will get easier to cope, and eventually life will get back to normal.

Hang in there, man.


Active member
First off, I'm sorry for your loss, and I hope you stay strong.

I have absolutely no personal experience with this type of situation, so I admit that I cannot even begin to fathom what you are going through, nor what you are about to go through.

What I do understand is the high highs, and low lows. While I can't say that I fully take my own advice, I would say that talking to a professional about this would be a good idea.

I feel that talking to people in general can help steer you away from depression. Talking to someone specifically trained in dealing with these kinds of circumstances will allow you to feel more comfortable in getting things out. Having people listen to you, and UNDERSTAND what you are going through helps.

Although most of us on this board may feel that we don't need a "personal trainer", when the pressure is on for an upcoming contest, I'm willing to bet a large number of people would welcome the idea of a personal trainer to help them in that specific timeframe. I think most of us can most likely handle everyday emotions by ourselves, but in extreme situations like this, I think it's best to get some outside help.

Try to talk lots, and avoid being alone as much as possible.


Well-known member
Hold in there bro, and truly, having someone to talk to who knows how to listen is very important. As someone who has been to see such professional help, I can say it really does work.



Board Supporter
One of my very best friends, has tried to kill himself more times then I can count at this point... He calls me from time to time, and begs me for help, crying and sometimes screaming, sometimes threating the life of others in a blood curdling snarl... All I could ever do is tell him, I loved him... and that he'd better wise the **** up, and stop blaiming all his problems on others. He's spilled his own guts, slitting his belly with a knife in front of his parents at the age of 14 or so... he's tried to hang himself, but the pipe broke... he's tried overdoses, and almost succeeded (he's now has hep c, probably hiv, and developed diabetes that he does not look after at all)... he's spent numerious stays in Hospital wards and under mental evaluation. Now he mostly spends time living on the street, giving head for crack or herion or whatever is his current favorite drug... and when he's not thier he spends his time In jail.. currently in Calgary Jail for I don't even know what. Last word I got from him, was on my birthday... he had his mom call me, and tell me how thankful He was that I've always been his friend. And I always will be.

But one thing I can say about him.. is he never really listened to my good advice, and he never truly understood he was his own worst enemy... If there was ever a person who didn't learn a damn thing, it was him. And should the day come he finally dies, I won't feel guilty for it... as bad as this sounds, I'll feel relieved that he's finally succeeded in what he was tring to do for over 16 years now, and his family can finally get on with thier lives. And I'll shed a tear.. probably more then a few as I wish things could of turned out differently.

I realize the situation between my friend and yours is probably competely different.. my friend coming from a background of abuse, and slipping into a life of alchohol and drug addiction, and doing all the wrong things. So please take what works and leave the rest... basically.

When somebody takes thier own life.. it was thier choice. Celebrate the good things you knew them to be. Above all it's not your fault.

No shame in seeking help either... That's something my friend could never admit he needed... Those that can ask for professional help, are more capable of changing thier lives... those that can't worry me. (I checked myself into emergency one morning... and asked for help, that was the beginning of my new life).


Alpha Dog

Obese Member
I was fortunate. I went through three suicide attempts with my ex-girlfried. We are still very close to this day. I have not experienced the loss, but I did have to learn how to cope with not knowing when I would loose her or if I did how I would go on. The days sitting in the hospital waiting for her to recover were horrible. Even worse were the mandatory stays at the psychiatric hospital after each attempt and trying to convince her that she was a far to loved to leave us all behind.

CE, if you yourself are an emotional person, talk and don’t isolate yourself. I found myself basically living with my best friend while she was hospitalized just so that I would have the constant company and people who would listen. Being alone is horrible when you are in pain. If you don’t have people that are close, available and that are good listeners, get help. Stay strong.


Registered User
Damn, bro, I don't know what to say other than I am sorry. Houseman was right from the start. You really should seek counselling. While the psych field is often derided, sometimes with good reason, there are many great therapists out there who specialize in helping people throught the type of tragedy you are currently enduring.

As Bow's sig says above this message, "The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing." Please do something. The problem you could face is the way the human brain tends to work. We get addicted to our emotions, and these emotions are reinforced by the associative manner in which the mind works. X reminds you of Y, which reminds you of Z, which reminds you of X. REPEAT.

I subjected myself to years of misery that on many occassions led me to the brink of where your ex is now. You must deal with the loss, but then find a constructive way to honor her memory.

Other members have already learned that this is a great place to vent your feelings and find support.

We're here for you


Well-known member
Dude, I am truly sorry for your loss. I don't have a whole lot of wisdom here, but this is what I can say. Death so close is very difficult to deal with. Try to remember the good times with her and what made her a special person. I'm sure she would want to be remembered that way.

D...if you need to talk, shoot me a PM and we can hook up a call, dude. Or, just keep this thread going with how you're feeling and handling this crisis. I know it helped me a great deal. Talk to people like others have suggested. One suggestion I could give, which may not be the best, but start your PCT now, and take 1-2 weeks off from the gym. Once your emotions have gone through the normal stages, then hit it back up again.

Anytime dude...just hit me up.


The Chosen One
Really sorry to hear of your loss bro, it's never easy. Just don't beat yourself up. You can amke it through this even though it is NEVER easy. My prayers are with you bro.


On my grind
Tons of good advice here. Malek you put my words on the board man great post. CED i hope things get bette for you bro and talkin about it can only make things better for you. Dont lose sight of what you wanted because you know she would want you to go thru with what made you happy. Weve talked many a times before on aim bro , my old name here was gymrat , got a new comp and couldnt recover the name, but if need be bro just hit me up on aim if you need someone to talk too.

People are here for you man and people are willing to help. Dont let urself get into depressiong because its hard to dig urself out. Get help bro and dont be ashamed or affraid to either. Like many people here have said its changed and helped there life for the better. Good luck bro and my prayers are with you and the family.


Well-known member
I have been through a lot of this in the Marines, buddies of mine who were suicidal, and the losses during war. It is something only time can heal, but you have to seek help to get through it, or it will just fester. My prayers our with you and her family.


Sorry to hear that, man. In some countries, including north america a decade or so ago, one would prescribe unlimited use of GHB for these events. People found that it let them expel the negative. Of course it is now illegal, although still used in Italy AFAIK as a CURE for depression and alcoholism.

My work as a therapist has led me to realize that chemicals, other than GHB which IS produced naturally in the body and thus is not exactly a "chemical" but more of a neutraceutical, do NOT help in any way. Find a way to make it so that the right way to honor her memory is by making your own life beautiful. And remember that no matter how dark your mood might be at a given moment, it WILL get better. OTOH, if your mood darkens you might also get angry at the mental darkness, reacting to it as if it were a foreign body in your psyche. This works exceptionnally well for many people and is a very constructive way to channel anger. Doing that in the gym is good.

Also : avoid negative / sad music. Those alternative bands seem cool on the surface but they can be devastating to someone who is vulnerable to dark moods, reinforcing them, and as someone put it so well above, going from X to Y to Z and back to X in a downward spiral. That is to be avoided at all cost. Getting angry at thoughts that bring you into such spirals is GREAT.
((((HUGZ)))) i am so sorry for your pain, again something you may not want to hear but you wont ever forget but it will get less painful in time....One day at a time, reach out for to someone, and remember that whatever your feeling, mad, sad, whatever is ok..its your grief.......

My sister was murdered when i was 14, so although i dont know how your feeling, i can relate to your pain.......I dont have PM's.....but i am in chat sometimes, if you might want to talk......

Your in my thoughts


Registered User

CED... so sorry bro...

You'll be in my prayers. Keep your head up.

Surviving After Suicide

You Are Not Alone

If you have lost someone to suicide, the first thing you should know is that you are not alone. Each year over 30,000 people in the United States die by suicide — the devastated family and friends they leave behind are known as “survivors.� There are millions of survivors who, like you, are trying to cope with this heartbreaking loss.

Survivors often experience a wide range of grief reactions, including some or all of the following:

  • Shock is a common immediate reaction. You may feel numb or disoriented, and may have trouble concentrating.
  • Symptoms of depression, including disturbed sleep, loss of appetite, intense sadness, and lack of energy.
  • Anger towards the deceased, another family member, a therapist, or yourself.
  • Relief, particularly if the suicide followed a long and difficult mental illness.
  • Guilt, including thinking, “If only I had….â€?
These feelings usually diminish over time, as you develop your ability to cope and begin to heal.

Why Did This Happen?
Many survivors struggle to understand the reasons for the suicide, asking themselves over and over again: “Why?� Many replay their loved ones' last days, searching for clues, particularly if they didn't see any signs that suicide was imminent.

Because suicide is often poorly understood, some survivors feel unfairly victimized by stigma. They may feel the suicide is somehow shameful, or that they or their family are somehow to blame them for this tragedy.

Butyou should know that 90 percent of all people who die by suicide have a diagnosable psychiatric disorder at the time of their death (most often depression or bipolar disorder). Just as people can die of heart disease or cancer, people can die as a consequence of mental illness. Try to bear in mind that suicide is almost always complicated, resulting from a combination of painful suffering, desperate hopelessness and underlying psychiatric illness.

Coping With Suicide Loss

  • Some survivors struggle with what to tell other people. Although you should make whatever decision feels right to you, most survivors have found it best to simply acknowledge that their loved one died by suicide.
  • You may find that it helps to reach out to family and friends. Because some people may not know what to say, you may need to take the initiative to talk about the suicide, share your feelings, and ask for their help.
  • Even though it may seem difficult, maintaining contact with other people is especially important during the stress-filled months after a loved one's suicide.
  • Keep in mind that each person grieves in his or her own way. Some people visit the cemetery weekly; others find it too painful to go at all.
  • Each person also grieves at his or her own pace; there is no set rhythm or timeline for healing.
  • Anniversaries, birthdays, and holidays may be especially difficult, so you might want to think about whether to continue old traditions or create some new ones. You may also experience unexpected waves of sadness; these are a normal part of the grieving process.
  • Children experience many of the feelings of adult grief, and are particularly vulnerable to feeling abandoned and guilty. Reassure them that the death was not their fault. Listen to their questions, and try to offer honest, straightforward, age-appropriate answers.
  • Some survivors find comfort in community, religious, or spiritual activities, including talking to a trusted member of the clergy.
  • Be kind to yourself. When you feel ready, begin to go on with your life. Eventually starting to enjoy life again is not a betrayal of your loved one, but rather a sign that you've begun to heal.


Registered User
I sat in a Psychs office went to counselers and all that when I got sober and it does help... however Group Therapy is what worked wonders for me....there is some kind of magic when folks get together that have been through the same thing... rather hard to explain unless you`ve been there... check and see if there are any Suicide support groups in your local area

P.S. If you seek help don`t let anyone medicate unless it is absolutely neccesary... the meds are sometimes worse than the problem


Several years ago, one of my cousin's sons was going through a bad divorce and chose to end his life instead. I never understood why until I went through something similar. Although my divorce was not so bad, it was when an ex-girlfriend of mine was getting married when I began feeling extremely depressed. The fact is that we still care alot for each other. And all I can do is regret all of the wrongs that I've put her through. Ironically, she cried when I was getting married and I did the same when she got married. The strange thing is that I was in LE at the time and it took alot out of me not to use my own police revolver on myself. All I did is sit in the patrol car all day alone because I didn't want to be around anyone or talk to anyone at the time.

The problem with suicide is that you can talk to the person until the sky turns white. You'll never understand what they're going through and you can NEVER talk them out of it. Sure, you might convince them that very minute. But who's to say that they won't contemplate suicide during the next hour, day, week, or month?


Board Supporter
"Strength does not come struggles develop your strengths. When you go through hardships and decide not to surrender, that is strength."

"If you're going through hell, keep going."

"Impossible is just a big word thrown around by small men who find it easier to live in the world they've been given than to explore the power they have to change it. Impossible is not a fact. It's an opinion. Impossible is not a declaration. It's a dare. Impossible is potential. Impossible is temporary. Impossible is nothing."

Take care CED.


Hey bro my condolences. If you were to do a search under my name I had an uncle die on Memorial Day Weekend. He also commited suicide....please feel free to contact me for anything man as it is hard. I just started living normally and coming back to the forum like normal 3 weeks ago so it is a process that takes a while. I hope you don't do anything crazy yourself bro, surround yourself with people who care and try to do things normally, like school, work, the gym. Honor her life, don't mourn her death. My contact info is [email protected] or [email protected].


wow guys, thanks a lot, just woke up (yeah...7pm) I haven't read these responses yet - but I'm going to start. I stepped on the scale and im 231, down from 238. Hopefully I can get some food down.

And again, I appriciate this - I'm going to read each response - I have all the time in the world right now.


Well-known member
I'll post just to cheet you up with my avatar!

Hang in their bro. My thoughts are with her family and you.


Board Supporter
Damn, sorry to hear this. You're not alone, looks like most of us in this thread have, unfortunately, experienced great loss. I know it seems like nothing else matters now, but it will get better. Spend some time with your friends and family - even if you don't feel like it - it will help you.


Well-known member
Why not try work out or go for a long run. For me, exercise is the ultimate stress reliever. Doing nothing at all will definitely not help. Stay active and if necessary seek some professional help or help from a loved one. Be well.


i still can't eat. My brother died after a long battle with cancer, I guess we had prepared for it as a family. This is complete shock, I just hope I can find enough positive hours in the day function enough to maintain (psychologically, school, weight, whatever).

off topic but not off topic entirely, I begin PCT wednesday (prop until then)... If I can't keep calories high, I'm going to continue the prop another week. I can't let everything go to ****.


haha, cutting is for scissors. :)
so true.
thanks man, first ive smiled all day, but ive been sleeping mostly


we are going to try the liquid protein now - seeing as solid food is too impossible right now. I'll dump Olive Oil in it.

Iron Warrior

Registered User
Sorry about your loss CED :( I don't have much useful advice but try to keep your mind distracted off negative things and get help.

Nate Dawg

Active member
Sorry about your loss CED, the others have gave good advice, it was not your fault, if someone has it set in their mind there is no stopping them. I am sure it will be hard to stay motivated to continue with your daily activities, but you have to keep trucking, better days will come.

Now for my opinion on your cycle, some may disagree with me, but this is what I feel would be best. Dont come off now, for one you have no appetite and will have a hard time keeping your weight up, and we all now how easy it is to get depressed over nothing when you come off cycle. Well you just had a very serious event occur so the depression would be just that much worst. So I think it would be best for your mental health and to save your gains from this cycle to just continue with your cycle at a low dose to hold on to gains and keep everything stable until you feel you are better prepared to deal with the situation. Many may disagree, but I truly think that is the best decision at this point in time.


SOWarrior said:
Some good music always has helped me out during bad times. Try the band O.A.R.
there went to my rival HS. Very familiar with them.
I suppose that would beat Phil Collins and this other depressing crap im listening to.


Nate Dawg said:
Now for my opinion on your cycle, some may disagree with me, but this is what I feel would be best. Dont come off now, for one you have no appetite and will have a hard time keeping your weight up, and we all now how easy it is to get depressed over nothing when you come off cycle. Well you just had a very serious event occur so the depression would be just that much worst. So I think it would be best for your mental health and to save your gains from this cycle to just continue with your cycle at a low dose to hold on to gains and keep everything stable until you feel you are better prepared to deal with the situation. Many may disagree, but I truly think that is the best decision at this point in time.

thanks for your opinion, this is a serious issue for me now.


Board Supporter
CEDeoudes59 said:
i still can't eat. My brother died after a long battle with cancer, I guess we had prepared for it as a family. This is complete shock, I just hope I can find enough positive hours in the day function enough to maintain (psychologically, school, weight, whatever).

off topic but not off topic entirely, I begin PCT wednesday (prop until then)... If I can't keep calories high, I'm going to continue the prop another week. I can't let everything go to ****.
Actually, the prop might not be a bad idea for a few more weeks to help keep you emotionally stable.


Board Supporter
houseman said:
Actually, the prop might not be a bad idea for a few more weeks to help keep you emotionally stable.
I agree. Very sorry for your loss CED. Things will get better bro just keep that in mind. Sorry I don't have any other tips for you. But pm if you need to talk. Maybe spend some time in the chat room to get some of the stuff in your mind out. Best wishes for you and her family bro.


She thinks my traps'rrrr sexy!
SOWarrior said:
Some good music always has helped me out during bad times. Try the band O.A.R.
City on Down...Delicate Few from 34th and 8th! :dance:

I'm going to see them for the 3rd time on Oct. 23rd in Phoenix! :djparty:

Hang in there bro. Music is big, it's hard to listen to the happy stuff like O.A.R. and such when all you're feeling like is some Dashboard or The Get Up Kids or something down like that. A CD I like to listen to when I'm down is Futures by Jimmy Eat World...


Jimmy Eat World is a good idea...
Thank SS.

need to ditch the Phil Collins and Nickelback.. the lyrics are really sad when you actually start listening.


Well-known member

Hey Bud,
I am so sorry. Words cannot begin to nail down what you and her family/friends are feeling. Life being torn/ and taken from you. Such a sad, cheated feeling.

Patience and embracing peace are at the top of my head. While waiting on time sucks, it will bring you the tools necessary to recover. Your PCT will be tougher, just remember- while you are human you will try to perservere. Be the positive. Try to encourage others to find peace and hope. It will ultimatly help you find your own path to recovery. I find in times of grief helping others helps me-- not to sound greedy in the least. Being someones light in the darkness will help you pull through. Time will help you realize while you were weak you helped pull others through, and you will find satisfaction in being loving to those in need.

My thoughts and prayers apon you and her friends and family. Peace be with you.


thanks man, it's so very true.

I appriciate your kind words and blessing.

her death was unexpected - but perhaps not completely 100% unexpected. But unexpected for a 23 year old trouble beautiful girl.

I lost a brother to cancer long ago and that was one of the hardest experiences of my life. My whole family shared in the suffering and in many ways that made it easier.

thank you again.


Guys I am exhausted, I can't stay up for more than 3-4hours - even after sleeping for 8+.

I'm over 20 weeks in... how in the hell do people stay on test for years? obviously they taper their doses but I am so tired (among other things)...

is there anything I can do.... this is awful

plan is prop until monday, PCT starts Wednesday morning.. ugh