Thanks for your reply man.
The bad experience was after a very harsh run first cycle advised to me by someone who made out to know it all. Lesson learned. I did 100mg the first day then 50mg for the rest, possibly 25mg a few weeks into it. Sorry to be a bit innacurate there im posting with a time limit.
My level of shut down was probably what was made it so horrible but I cant stand the thought of being depressed out my mind, unable to look people in the eye like a scared puppy and all the other good post cycle fun.
I am really hoping I can find a way to cycle and not permanently mess myself up.
Dermacrine/osta sounds perfect for me. Steady gains, psychological benefits, mildly suppressive. I just want to be able to come off these cycles and not crash.